May I please vent??

[cara]

Date: 7/17/2006 9:52:36 PM
Author: jas
Thank you, Cara. Those are truly wise words...I really need to give my guests some credit, eh? I do need to let go of trying to have my vision stamped all over this...it''s a joint venture, I guess.


I really appreciate what you said. Please know that I hear you and am taking you to heart. And you said everything so nicely! I really felt what you are saying.


You gave me pause with what you said about FMIL wanting to have a role in this. I guess that''s hard for me to understand (although I will work on it) because she''s planned her daughters'' wedding and I guess I''ve been viewing her RD plans through a lens of ''it''s not her wedding and she''s turning it into one.'' I still feel that way, if I am being honest, but as other posters noted, I can''t really do anything about. FMIL offered to pay only if our guests numbered over 250, which they haven''t.


Yes, we did decide to do a brunch. The original plan was for FI and I to have folks over for eggs...my mom is rather intimidated by FMIL''s money (Mom thinks they are ''society'' -- something I am blissfully unaware of...or was)...which is a separate issue which colors a lot of the decisions we''re making.


Yes, I am being prideful...you are right. I need to keep that in check.


Thank you again!

I don''t think that youre being prideful (that was your word earlier ) - just that you have chosen a more traditional approach in terms of who pays for and plans what - a choice that I''m sure has made planning the wedding much easier for you in terms of NOT dealing with your FMIL - but the consequence is letting go on the RD. If your instincts tell you that your FMIL sees it as a competition, and doesn''t have your feeling in mind in her planning, then there is probably some truth in that feeling. But your best path out is to not sink to her level and to not view it as a competition. Let her plan some big dinner and spend as much as she wants. People will have fun if you are having fun and it will set the tone for more celebration the next night. If you think she will get a cake and are worried about it looking weddingy, maybe give her a suggestion for a silly grooms cake that your FI might appreciate. And just cause she has planned her own daughter''s wedding does not mean she doesn''t want to plan yours too- it might even be worse because she has OPINIONS on how it should be done! Anyway, some combination of putting your foot down and letting things go is in order. Best of luck in this minefield called wedding planning.

 

[snow_happy]

Hi Jas!

I''m so sorry you were stressed out -- from your later posts it seems like you are doing better! My advice is to not get sucked into the drama of it all. Enjoy the food and the opportunity to meet new people! I always thought showers and the like were lame but after going to a few and being able to see the people again at the wedding made the wedding more intimate. I think if your FMIL didn''t love and support the marriage they wouldn''t throw any kind of party at all. I say she''s just excited and wants to throw the best they can afford. My advice is party it up and gorge on great food!

 

[jas]

I just wanted to thank you all again for your support during what I believe is one of the Fruit Loopiest engagments I''ve ever seen...I''m just grasping at coping strategies right now -- my favorite is just to think about FMIL''s requests being made as though she''s just sucked helium because her head is shrinking. It works for me...

Are things better? No, but as a friend of mine says, you can''t change anything but your attitude...paradigm shifts abound...

I''ve just put the RD off my radar, other than attempting to find a fabulous outfit. I''m sure I will get anxious about it again when the time comes, but for now, there''s nothing I can do about it.

The first round of parties start next week...I''m ready -- my invincible grin of steel is ready to go and I''m approaching the more "uncomfortable" situations in a sort of anthropological way -- what can I learn, who can I meet, what surprises will I encounter (good ones), etc. I''m a total academic nerd, so if I can approach the ickies as through I''m studying them, it''ll help. Of course, I am totally thrilled to be spending time with my FI, so I''ll focus on that as well. Who knows -- maybe I''ll (gasp!) have fun!

FMIL is sending along unsolicited (and wrong) advice on how to address envelopes..when I imagine the helium voice, it''s much easier to smile, thank her, and move on. And adding names to the guest list. I have asked darling FI to problem solve here...he''s been great about that.

I''m just, as so many of you have suggested, focusing on the "fun" stuff and on being in love with my FI:

Went to Kinko''s yesterday for our brunch invites...so CUTE!
Have a tasting next week which I am DYING to do
Have my first fitting next week as well...
Moving (not fun) in with FI this month (fun!)

So thank you again for your strong shoulders...I can''t promise my paradigm shift is of a tectonic nature...but it''s nice to know I can come here and vent and know that I can get it out and move on!

Jackie