Maybe I''m Selfish

[soulsis]

Yesterday was my birthday. Birthdays are a BIG thing for me and generally I plan a party where my friends and I get together for dinner and drinks or whatever! I feel horribly selfish now because I kind of had a crappy day. We made plans to have a party on Saturday, but ended up cancelling them because DF got tickets to a racing banquet. So, we went to that. Last night I kind of thought that we would go out to dinner. I came home with my own cake and made dinner for us, which I admit I was kind of ticked about. Then DF goes to the other room to get my present. I open the box and there sitting in it was a BEAUTIFUL fur trimmed housecoat. It is really beautiful, however I had (for at least two months) been leaving not very subtle hints that I had wanted this diamond dragonfly necklace. He had even seen me try it on twice and I had tried to buy it, but he said "Wait for your birthday!" Three weeks ago I had bought myself a new housecoat. He even knew I had a new one. Mind you, not as nice as the one I got yesterday. I just don''t get it. Should I go out and buy the pendant for myself for my present? WTF????

 

[jcrow]

That''s too funny! you sound JUST like me!! i know it''s silly, but sometimes i end up buying whatever it is i want and have made hints about. then he says " i''d like to get you those things." and then i feel sorta bad, but in the end, i am the researcher. by the time i figure out what it is specifically i wish to have, it''s easier for me to just get it. oh well. i think i need a better solution too.

 

[ammayernyc]

I''m all for being a little selfish.

I''ve come to realize that men do not generally take hints well. Unless you told him straight out that you wanted the necklace for your birthday, I''m sure he didn''t figure it out.

 

[Mara]

guys can be dense sometimes! i have to be really obvious about things, but even then sometimes he doesn't get it. but i can't be mad at him...he's just like that about things from time to time. i adore birthdays and like a big deal made too but not everyone is like that (and greg is totally not) so i know he does his best for me but it's not innate to him to plan a great celebration and really whoop it up with a wrapped gift (he normally doesn't wrap) etc. whereas me i am all about one or two cards and special wrapping and choosing 2-3 fun things, dinner etc. sometimes i buy my own cake too (my mom always does that unless one of us gets it for her, but she always orders it!). i think that inside our mind we have something planned and we don't realize that the men in our lives don't have a USB port on their heads to download from ours what we are thinking. so sometimes stuff gets jumbled.

happy birthday fellow scorpio!!! my birthday is on thursday....we're going out to dinner at one of my fave restaurants, a fab fondue place where i know he made the ressie already (he confirmed it to me), and i know what i am getting because i told him...but at least where there are no surprises, there is also no additional expectations so there's no potential disappointment on not living up to those expectations. women can many times really embellish in their minds.

last year he surprised me with a great catered surprise party with all my friends, and i was BLOWN AWAY because he normally does not do extravagant or surprise things...but with the help of one of my best friends they pulled it off and i was so impressed. so he gets brownie points for that one for many years to come.

 

[JC]

Well, this could work out nicely for you. I'm assuming that you were given "cash" gifts from relatives and close family members. If so, than take the money that you were given for your b-day and buy the necklace. Then you'll be able to wear your nice new fur trimmed housecoat to keep you warm while your wearing all of that ice around your neck. HAHAHA. So it may not be that bad after all...........

 

[ame]

I say buy it if you want. You clearly threw your own party, get yourself a present!

I have grown up used to having my bday crapped on. It''s on a "beer drinking" holiday (memorial day) and nearly everyone I know goes out of town and usually "ditches me". My friends actually paid attention to it the last two years, conveniently one got married the day after my birthday, so I made it a party at the reception (and apparently ONLY me) but usually everyone went out of town. My husband and my parents (though mostly only recently) usually paid attention. I just don''t acknowledge that I even have a birthday. Im an ageless wonder.

 

[soulsis]

The worst part is that he feels horrible about it all. We talked a little bit about it before I went to work (the worst time to talk). Maybe I should go and buy the necklace, some sexy merry widow and put it on under the housecoat. My feelings are that he will forget all about it....He already suggested we go to dinner tonight.

 

[IrishEyes]

Oh I totally feel for you!! I don''t think you are being selfish at all. It''s your party and you can cry if you want to!! I think you should''ve gotten what you really wanted, not to mention HE should''ve cooked for YOU!!

But like some others have said, men just usually DON''T GET IT!!!

My birthday is only 2 weeks before Christmas, so I ALWAYS get jipped. I think starting around the age of 10, I began to receive what I call the "combination gift": people say "oh I was thinking of getting you something nice for you, but do you want it as a Christmas gift or a birthday gift?" Um, hello!! They are two separate days, right?? Well, then I expect two separate gifts!!

Selfish? Maybe. But why do I get screwed because my mother went into labor around Christmastime?? Wasn''t my fault. If it were up to me I would''ve came out way earlier just to torture everyone even longer!!!

anyhoo, so last year on my birthday I really thought my husband would do something nice. We had been overseas in Iraq the two previous years before that, so he really knew that I was looking forward to a birthday back here in the states. I come home that day and NOTHING. No gift waiting for me, no dinner. Not even a card. He''s on the couch watching TV. So instead of bitching, I just wait because he is normally a very romantic guy and I thought ''maybe he''s got something up his sleeve''. So I go online for an hour, start reading a book, etc. Friends and family are calling to wish me a happy b-day and ask what DH has done for me (to which I reply, "I don''t know yet"). Finally after a few hours, I realize that he has nothing planned and get so mad!! I storm into the living room and just start ragging on him, saying how he forgot and doesn''t understand me, etc, etc. He gets this look like he''s a deer caught in the headlights and says how he was going to make me a nice dinner later and surprise me with flowers. I''m like "sure, yea right! YOU FORGOT, admit it!!! Where''s my gift?? Where are my flowers?? Why would I want to wait until the evening?? I should''ve had them first thing in the day! I''ve been doing nothing all day and you can''t get your a** off the couch to do these things??" He was really ticked. Needless to say, it ruined the day! He ended up bringing me a card and dinner later, but the moment had passed and I was really upset and angry with him. Looking back, I still think that while I WAS being a tad selfish - he should''ve done more! And I''m TOTALLY expecting him to make it up to me this year!!
so don''t feel selfish, I sympathise with you! I think that you should just treat yourself and go buy that pendant! Forget him - do it for yourself girl!!!!

 

[Mara]

HAHA OMG Irish Eyes you just crack me up girl!! My husband doesn''t know how easy he has it with me...I only flip out when I am PMS''ing...hee hee.

I say go buy the necklace SoulSis...you deserve it. It''s easy to justify these things!!

 

[IrishEyes]

Mara, that''s the funny thing - I''m usually really easy going on him as well! There are SO MANY things that most women flip out about on their men that I just brush off and tease him for instead of getting pissed. So when it comes to days like my birthday, I guess I just expect him to do something nice to say "hey, I really appreciate the kind of wife you are. I really love you. Let me show you" you know? But then again, he''s a man, so I guess that is expecting too much!!!

This year I will just have to plan it out for him!!

 

[jaysonsmom]

I think you should let him redeem himself, and buy the necklace for you, instead of buying it yourself, and rubbing it in his face.

I am the world''s most lenient, easiest wife. I want and expect nothing for my anniversaries, birthdays, etc. My husband can ge me a cup of coffee in the morning and get a ton of praise. He usually does really well in the party/gift department because I''m not picky....I stick to the belief that it''s the thought that counts. My sil is the "wife from hell" when it comes to birthdays...her husband really dreads birthdays because whatever he gives her could never be right, and whatever he does for her is never to her taste. When I tell her to just tell him what she wants, she says: "I''ve been with him for 7 years, he should KNOW me enough to get or do something that is meaningful to me.". She is so demanding that they always end up fighting for weeks after an event. It''s not like her hubby doesn''t try either, he plans and thinks about things months in advance! I feel sorry for guys with demanding gf, fiancee''s, wives. Give the guys a break. Do you go all out for him? Do you get him exactly what he wants......think about it.

 

[Mara]

I love making birthdays special for people, especially Greg with things like a cake or getting him something I know he won''t get for himself...but I know not everyone is like me...things that are important to people are different for every person. For me it''s also the little things, aka the card that Greg gets me vs the wrapping paper (or lack thereof) etc. But forgetting it? Yikes! That''d be a tough one. Then again I am on such a birthday buzz for a week ahead of the date so no one can really forget it because I exude birthday-ness and talk about it for weeks.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Men sometimes can be so dense!!! I''ve learned after 10 years of marriage that we just need to come right out and tell them what we want at times, rather than sending hints, which fly right over their heads!!

For my 30th B-day (a big one!!), DH bought me a new car stereo (mine had been stolen during a car break-in 3 weeks earlier) and was taking me to Las Vegas. He knew (or so I thought) how important cards are to me and as we were packing for Vegas, I didn''t see him hide a card in his suitcase, so I said jokingly, "You didn''t forget my birthday card, did you?" (My actual birthday feel on a day when we went to Vegas) He immediately went into another room and came back with an envelope and put it in his bag.

On the morning of my birthday, he proudly pulled out the card and gave it to me. It wasn''t even a birthday card!!! It was a general card that you''ll receive from the Salvation Army in the mail for free as a way to get donations from you!! I was crushed and angry.

Every since then, my DH hasn''t forgotten a card for my birthday and he makes sure that he doesn''t forget or minimize important dates

Go pamper yourself for your birthday...buy the pendant and have a great birthday...

 

[IrishEyes]

I guess I just look at it this way: my husband is so great to me on every other day of the year. He really is. For example, just this week I have been suffering from laryngitis. I haven''t had my voice in 5 days now and I''m getting really frustrated. The other night he ran to walmart to get something he needed. He came back with a new toothbrush for me. He said " I got you a new toothbrush because the one you are using now has your sick germs on it and will just re-infect you." I thought it was just the cutest thing! Silly, I know, but just the thought of him standing in the aisle at walmart picking out a new toothbrush for me because I am sick and he was thinking of me really makes me feel loved

. and it''s just little things like that. A few weeks ago he was sick, and yet he had a wonderful dinner waiting for me when I got home from work that evening. He''s just always thinking of me and ways to make me happy. So I guess I just feel that on my BIRTHDAY, my one special day in the year when I''m allowed to be self-absorbed and enjoy myself, that he would go even further and really knock my socks off!! That''s my train of thought at least.
Soulsis, your DH sounds like a great guy who had good intentions. I''m thinking that you just felt similar to me - that he would take it a step further and really blow you away. And he DID give you a beautiful gift. He just didn''t get the hint that you wanted something different. Next year, I say just tell him flat out - "this is what I want. Please get me this" and maybe he''ll get creative with how to present it to you!

 

[tawn]

We bought our first house about 10-11 years ago, and my birthday fell the week after we moved it. So, we''re still upacking and working hard...and I''m waiting for him to realize what day it is. I didn''t make any dinner, and I wait for him to do anything. Finally, it''s 10 o''clock at night, and he wants to know what there is to eat!

I freaked out and told him that it''s against family (my family which he is a part of now) to cook on your birthday, and how could he forget about it, blah blah blah. He told me that he didn''t forget, but just didn''t bother doing anything because we were so busy! Arggggghhhhhhh.....let''s just say it would have been better if he had forgotten it!

He''s never forgotten another one, and once went out to buy me a wooden trunk while he had the flu and could hardly stand up straight! I LOVE that trunk! Now, I pick something out, and he goes to the store and brings it home to me! But, in his defense, I am impossible to buy for! I''m too tall, big on top, small on bottom, so clothes are out...and I''m just plain fussy! And, he''s a bad shopper!

It''s still a bit of a struggle because I love to celebrate all the holidays...and he could care less!

 

[movie zombie]

i think birthdays are more special than christmas, etc. and i used to do the hint hint routine, wait and see, and then be pissed off ''cause the other half just didn''t get it...typical men. however, my new hubby and i do things a bit differently. i am very clear what i want to do for my birthday, i am very clear that i''m buying ''x'' or ''this is what you are getting me''. and i don''t necessarily need anything done special as i pretty much now just buy something at any time during the year when i see it and know its right. i then just come home and announce what he got me for what occasion. ditto for hubby: he came in the door last week with huge boxes. when i asked him what it was, he said it was my christmas present for him. i just asked him what i had gotten him: over $500 of lego.....

so, i say life is too short to get pissed off and so angry driving the blood pressure through the roof and having that deadly guilt trip hanging over the relationship. go get that dragonfly!!!! and leave nothing to chance next year. have what you want picked out, tell him its on hold and all he has to do is go get it. if he wants to do something special, he can bring you flowers and/or take you to dinner.... my ''special'' moment has been sitting in a movie theatre at a film festival packed with people waiting for my husband to join me when unexpectedly the theatre bursts out singing happy birthday as he comes down the aisle with a huge bouquet.

again, go get that dragonfly! don''t feel guilty. besides, i also believe that one should buy something special for one''s self for holidays.....


peace, movie zombie

ps i don''t think men celebrate birthdays the way women do...at least my hubby didn''t. he now enjoys them!

 

[Mara]

Greg eschews holidays and birthdays, he so doesn''t think about himself that way. I think alot of guys are like that. I make a big deal of everything, decorating the house, planning parties for friends, family, hosting holidays, hosting birthdays etc. So I''m definitely the planner and celebrater in our household. I''m lucky if my sweetie makes the ressie and gives me a card, he''s pretty good about that stuff. For the gifts I usually give him an idea or two and then he knows that it''s something I want. He appreciates the easy way to making me happy.

 

[Kaleigh]

I would go buy the dragonfly and treat yourself. Life is short, get it and enjoy it.

 

[Sundial]

Birthdays ARE a big deal and you have every right to be selfish! I can''t believe you went home on your own birthday and cooked dinner!!! What were you thinking? No wonder you are resentful. As others have stated men can be quite clueless (love your comment about the USB port Mara!) so don''t leave these things to chance. It would be great if they could read our minds and surprise us with everything we want, but they can''t. While the thought may be nice, why should money be wasted on a gift you don''t really want? I let my husband know exactly what I want for my birthday and I ask him where he plans on taking me for dinner. This system has worked very well and there is no resentment. If he does surprise me with something extra then that is just gravy. Now go out and get yourself that dragonfly necklace!

 

[leeenie]

My bf is the same way - partly because of the way he was raised and partly I think because that''s just how guys are. He just doesn''t understand my need/expectation of feeling "special" on my birthday, and he doesn''t feel that way about his own. The first year he completely overlooked it and it hurt. But he explained why he didn''t see birthdays as a big deal and I know it doesn''t mean he doesn''t value me in general. We usually just go out to dinner or something...he''s not the type who does grand gestures or makes big plans. Maybe I should be more demanding but I feel like there are bigger things to worry about. Now I just make sure he knows it''s coming up so he doesn''t completely forget the day!

 

[Dancing Fire]

soulsis
buy yourself that dragonfly necklace.

and put it on his visa.

my wife never expects any gifts from me.i pick all her jewelry since i have to pay for it.

 

[omc]

I understand how you feel, but also try to see it from his point of view!


For example, a few years ago, my boyfriend bought me 3 DVD''s for my birthday and handed them to me still in the Best Buy bag. I was so upset. I told him I was really disappointed because I felt like he had jsut picked them up by convenience since he was already at the store buying some video game that he was excited about, and he couldn''t even bother to wrap them. I felt like he had put no thought into it at all. no card, no wrapping, stupid guy gift. I wanted something sentimental. He told me that I had been buying lots of DVD''s lately but knew I didn''t have a lot of money to spend, so he thought I''d really like some more. Then he told me why he picked each of the movies... Rounders because I like Matt Damon, Gangs of New York because it''s a good movie and I like history, and Goldmember because we had seen it in the theatre together and always quoted it.


I overreacted, completely. Yes some wrapping would be nice, but he put way more thought into it than I gave him credit for. Maybe your bf saw that you had bought yourself a robe, and therefore liked that sort of thing, but also realized that you would like an even better one, but just wouldn''t buy it for yourself. Some people feel the best gift is a gift that someone would appreciate, but never actually buy for themselves. I gave my mom a cashmere blanket for Christmas last year because it was luxurious and I knew she wouldn''t buy it for herself. She ended up taking it back to use the money for new silverware, but you get the idea

 

[soulsis]

Could be worse I guess. My ex husband once bought me the Star Wars and Star Trek box sets for Xmas. I HATE both movies. The next year he bought me a mitre saw. Yep...a mitre saw.

I think I''m just upset because women use their brains differently. It''s proven! DF mentioned last Boxing Day that he loved his friend''s jacket. Two weeks later I bought it and held onto it for 4 months until his birthday. He was absolutely delighted and shocked that I had remembered. I just don''t understand why they don''t make mental notes about these things.

 

[tawn]

My husband is the most unromantic man ever to walk the earth, and never buys or plans anything for me...but he''ll get up in the middle of the night and go downstairs to get me a glass of water, or to the store at 10pm because I "need" some Salt & Vinegar chips. I''d love a little more romance, but it''s never going to happen. Nice birthday presents aren''t going to ever appear either!

But, the rule about not cooking *ever* on my birthday is now set in stone!! It made our lives much easier to just lay down the ground rules, and for me to accept that the majority of men (including my husband) have no fricken clue what women actually need!

That reminded me that my dad would give my mom a cheque from their joint acct. for her birthday/Christmas!

 

[BlingBlingMommy]

Buy the necklace. It''ll probably make both of you feel better.

My EX-husband bought me a wind-up kitchen timer (the one on my stove had broke) for my birthday one year....and nothing else. He bought it at a Coast-to-Coast store and gave it to me in the bag from the store, sealed with a bunch of duct tape. He thought it was funny. I didn''t....

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am still trying to figure out what a housecoat is? Bathrobe?

 

[Mara]

haha tacori i wondered that too. i guessed it was a bathrobe too.

 

[cinnabar]

Date: 10/26/2005 12:10:45 AM
Author: Mara
haha tacori i wondered that too. i guessed it was a bathrobe too.

Housecoats are for wearing over your jammies when you don''t want to turn the heating up in winter, or want to answer the door to the mailman. They''re quilted or satiny, and the fur collar sounds typical. Like smoking jackets, but long, and for girls.

Bathrobes are made of towelling so you can dry yourself on one after a bath. Like the ones you get in hotels.

I call a bathrobe a bathrobe, but I call a housecoat a dressing gown.

But I am furrin ... I pronounce the "t" at the end of peridot, so you can''t trust me to know what a housecoat is anyway.

 

[soulsis]

Here''s a picture of the robe xcept mine is brown. In Canada I guess a bathrobe, housecoat, mumu are all the same thing. I never really thought about it.

 

[cnspotts]

Date: 10/25/2005 1:16:23 PM
Author: soulsis
The worst part is that he feels horrible about it all. We talked a little bit about it before I went to work (the worst time to talk). Maybe I should go and buy the necklace, some sexy merry widow and put it on under the housecoat. My feelings are that he will forget all about it....He already suggested we go to dinner tonight.

Yep!!! Get the necklace, get a sexy treat for him, wear the housecoat and knock his socks off! You''ll never make it to dinner but you''ll both be happy!

Oh, --------> Happy Birthday!!!!