Maybe the beginning of LIW-itis?

[princesss]

I don''t know if this post will really have a point, but I need to get some of these thoughts out in a place that will be receptive, and I think this board is the best place for it.

I''m very well aware that BF and I are nowhere near getting engaged. I''m happy that way, and would not want to get engaged in the next few years. I want my own space, I want to learn how things work just for me, I want to prove to myself that I can live day to day, have fun, and save up for important things. I''ve got a good job, I''m on my way to getting my masters (and not having to pay for it!), I''ve got my own apartment and my own cat. I''m becoming more and more independent, and have (on the loneliest of lonely days, the saddest of sad days) turned down BF when he offered to move here the next day. I''m getting to know myself, and I really like that.

So I''m surprised that suddenly there are little things that I''m starting to get impatient for. I''m getting impatient to go furniture shopping with him, to pick out things for *our* place. I''m getting impatient to start making big decisions together instead of me just deciding to do something and having him follow (which, to be fair, was more because I got a job first. I would have gone wherever he was if he''d gotten a job first). I''m getting impatient (just a little) to really *commit* to one another.

In part it''s just that I''m confident in our relationship. In part it''s that I''m very goal driven, and I''ve decided I want to marry him, so a little part of me says, "Okay, these are the things that I want, so how do I get it?"

I know I''m not ready. Not really. And he''s definitely not ready. But I feel myself starting to get there, and it''s exciting. It''s scary. I really thought it would be a year or two more before I started to feel this way.

I''m excited to talk to him about this, but nervous, too. I don''t want him to think I''m pressuring him to be ready, but I want to be open with him about how I''m feeling. One of my closest friends told me last night that one of the things she loves watching about BF and I is that while what we expect from each other and the boundaries we set may not be what anybody expects or understands, they work perfectly for us and we know that for our relationship to work well, somethings things have to be done in specific ways. And one of those things is always being open. So why am I nervous when I know that we need to be open about these things? Why am I nervous when he would get annoyed with me for keeping this from him?

I think it''ll get better when I talk to him. But his phone is dead and he''s out with friends for the night (I''ll admit, I''m a little jealous. I don''t really have friends here yet, so my weekends are pretty lonely) so I can''t talk to him about it.

Has anybody else gone through this? Having feelings you didn''t expect to be ready for crop up? It''s weird, and I''m not sure I like it.

 

[fieryred33143]

My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. For 5.5 years, marriage wasn''t even an issue...never thought about it. I knew I wanted to spend my life with him, he is my forever. So we fast forward our relationship. We bought a home and moved in together. I guess in my mind I figured he''s the guy I want to be with so that''s that.

As soon as the word "marriage" came into my brain, it took about a nano second before I became impatient. I didn''t even talk to him about it first...I was just impatient and anxious and annoyed.

I think its hard on women when going through all of this. We make a decision that this man is the man we want to be with forever so let''s make it happen. If there was such a thing...or I guess better said if it wasn''t such a taboo for women to purchase their own engagement ring, I would have bought my own ring the second I decided that I was ready for marriage. But it doesn''t work that way. He needed his time to get on the same page. Then once he was on the same page, he needed his time to figure out his finances (there was NO way he would accept money from me for the ring, even if it meant a bigger diamond or a better cut. Side note: I suggested that to him and he got so mad. He said it made him feel like he couldn''t provide me with the things I "deserve.")

Your comment about not being ready surprises me. The fact is that some people feel like they need to be in a perfect and very defined point in their life before they can be "ready" for marriage. The readiness of marriage really comes in when you make the decision that this is the person that you want to marry, which you already have.

Communication is key. You need to talk to him. And I hope that I can give you this piece of advice without offending you: don''t move in until you have had the marriage talk...or at least the where is this relationship heading talk.

I LOVE my boyfriend with every piece of my heart and i know he feels the same. But I regret not having these talks with him before we moved in together. It was a huge risk. Luckily, we didn''t make the wrong decisions but it could have gone drastically different. Don''t make that mistake. You owe it to yourself to not be afraid to have these talks with him. Even if it means its going to be an uncomfortable conversation. You deserve those answers. In my house the rule is: honesty even if it hurts. So I''m going to tell you to be honest with him, even if it makes him angry or hurt.

 

[princesss]

The not being ready was more that a lot of me isn''t ready to completely combine our lives, and definitely isn''t ready to give up my own space.

Personally, I need to make sure that I can do everything on my own. I mean, I need to be 100% confident that I can support myself by myself, and that I can get things done by relying only on myself.

BF and I have been together for 3.5 years, but we started dating at 18. I''m 22. I''m not (generally) in a rush for marriage, which is exactly why these feelings have completely blindsided me.

I do intend on talking to my BF about all of this, and am going to call him tomorrow morning/afternoon and let him know what''s going on in our relationship from my end. I know he won''t be mad. Intimidated, maybe. But not mad.

Your advice absolutely did not offend me. I don''t plan on living with him without a very specific understanding of what it would mean for the relationship. He will end up crashing at my place for a little bit while he gets set up, but it''s with the understanding that I expect him to be constantly working towards getting set up (job, apartment, etc.) and that as soon as he has all of that, I expect him to move in to his own apartment asap.

I appreciate the advice and the perspective (and the chance to find a way to explain what I mean, which is always helpful). Thanks!

 

[Dreamgirl]

princess- I know how you feel and can relate in a sense. I had always thought about marriage but its more recently that it is on my mind CONSTANTLY but I thought I wasn't ready and not sure Im quite there myself. Even my Mom thinks Im not ready, she thinks HE is not ready either. Yet, Ive got feelings creeping inside me about more "realistic" life dreams rather than just dreaming. My boyfriend is my one and only and I knew from the start we were meant to be together. July 2nd is our 10 year anniversary and just the other day I got this feeling inside like

I hadn't realized how quickly time passes. We have looked at rings twice in the past 2 months but I thought it was just to look. Its starting to set in me that this may happen sooner than I thought. Hence the thread I made (when was that? Last week?) about things happening for me sooner than I originally thought.

Then I started thinking to myself, when do you "Know" when you are ready? Maybe for me its when the actual proposal happens. BF knows how I feel in that I want to get married and to him, but I have a little sense of being scared and excited myself.

I posted this in another thread about after looking at rings, I told him how much fun it was..etc...etc.... but that I knew it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. He asked me "How do you know that?" Later that evening, I felt like I had heartburn. I wasn't sure if it was from my dinner, or from what he had said. I almost thought it was a nervous/excited/nervous feeling if you will. I guess because when we discussed a timeline of sorts, it wasn't anytime soon. Well, same thing happened last night. We were watching tv on the couch like always and he leans over and rests his head on me. He has done this several times before so I don't know what changed in me......he looks up and kisses me and I had those "butterfly" feelings in my chest and its like I was thinking MY GOD hes going to ask me to marry him sooner than I thought. It was the strangest thing........lol

I guess for me, I just realized VERY recently that the time I have spent with him has passed by so quickly. 10 years is a LONG time. It feels like 10 years, but then it feels like 1 year. After all this time together, we are still so lovey dovey and what not. I think that is good, I see us being the old people holding hands and kissing in the park one day. It just feels like it was meant to be, it always has felt that way.

Maybe looking at the rings did something to me. I mean, I know I've tried to show him rings in the past and he didn't care much. This time was different, it was him who was interested and I think thats when I had a revelation of sorts. I thought a proposal wouldn't happen until another 2-3 years from now, but now I don't know. After thinking A LOT about dates and such, I almost wonder if he would propose as soon as Christmas. I doubt it, but something tells me it is definitely coming sooner than I thought, maybe within a year rather than within 2-3 years. I don't see us getting married next year, but maybe by 2010 if he ends up proposing sooner than I thought. Maybe all the feelings I have are a sense of being "on my way" towards being ready. Or maybe its just a realization that this is going to happen. I always thought it would happen, but maybe it was more a dream where as now its a realization.

Wow, lol that was kind of long..........