MIL situation...

[Laila619]

Oh, Laila. Sounds like you and I have a similar dynamic with our MIL. Absolutely have your girls wear the dresses you've already chosen. Shame on her for not asking or at least giving a head's up.

I had a similar situation recently. I bought these Color Alive coloring books for my kids' easter baskets on Saturday. On Tuesday I got home from work (she watches the kids on Tuesdays) to "Look at these cool coloring books Grandmom got us!". Seems like not a big deal but IT IS CONSTANT. I gave the coloring books I bought to my friend with kids the same age and moved on. She also buys very high end clothes for my children that they won't wear. Both my boys like sweat pants and t-shirts. I can't even tell you how many unworn pairs of khakis and dress shirts we've given away. I feel bad but she gives them to us with the tags cut already. Ok, I don't feel bad.

ETA - I like LV's idea too. We have just taken pictures of the kids in the things MIL gets and send them to her...if they're willing to put them on in the first place.

Aww, I'm sorry Puppmom! I would be annoyed about the coloring books too. But sounds like she is a nice lady, like my MIL. What can you do, right?

 

[Laila619]

Too bad we can't talk to the people in our lives in a frank and open way.

You absolutely can.
Just do it.

Relationships will do one of two things.
1. Get better.
2. End because they were hopelessly based on BS ... in which case, good riddance.

Either way, everybody wins.

Normally, I'd agree. But with in-laws, I think it's tricky, Kenny. I have to try to maintain some sort of harmony for the next 30+ years since we see her all the time.

 

[kenny]

Too bad we can't talk to the people in our lives in a frank and open way.

You absolutely can.
Just do it.

Relationships will do one of two things.
1. Get better.
2. End because they were hopelessly based on BS ... in which case, good riddance.

Either way, everybody wins.

Normally, I'd agree. But with in-laws, I think it's tricky, Kenny. I have to try to maintain some sort of harmony for the next 30+ years since we see her all the time.

In that case you are getting what is MORE important to you, harmony ... so be happy.
Start threads about how happy you are, instead of about negative (but less-important) things that you've chosen to blow of in order to get what is more-important to you.

Expecting to have it both ways (appearing to blow it off to grandma, but complaining here) leads to internal conflict.
On the outside you want to appear happy, but inside you are not happy.
That's not harmony.

To me, internal harmony is priority 1.
YMMV.

 

[TooPatient]

Too bad we can't talk to the people in our lives in a frank and open way.

You absolutely can.
Just do it.

Relationships will do one of two things.
1. Get better.
2. End because they were hopelessly based on BS ... in which case, good riddance.

Either way, everybody wins.

Normally, I'd agree. But with in-laws, I think it's tricky, Kenny. I have to try to maintain some sort of harmony for the next 30+ years since we see her all the time.

In that case you are getting what is MORE important to you, harmony ... so be happy.
Start threads about how happy you are, instead of about negative (but less-important) things that you've chosen to blow of in order to get what is more-important to you.

Expecting to have it both ways (appearing to blow it off to grandma, but complaining here) leads to internal conflict.
On the outside you want to appear happy, but inside you are not happy.
That's not harmony.

To me, internal harmony is priority 1.
YMMV.

Kenny,

I think for a lot of people, starting a thread and discussing -- hearing different views from different people, all that stuff... Even talking through the emotions as we sort it out in our heads. That is what some of us need to have that "internal harmony" that you speak of.
You are lucky in that you seem to be very confident in what you want and need. Some of us waiver in our confidence and need a sanity check on occasion to make sure that our views aren't totally out of line. There is, clearly, a lot of room within reasonable for all sorts of opinions and solutions! It just helps to hear from others that we aren't losing our sanity (because it sure as heck feels like it some days!).

Sorry to go off topic!


Laila -- I hope you find a solution that works for you. Boundaries are important but so is keeping relationships in tact. It is a difficult balance to find. Good luck! (Oh, and I hope you'll share pictures if you are comfortable!)

 

[Jambalaya]

Oh, why are so many MILs overbearing and interfering in things they have no right to interfere in? Every DIL has her stories, which means that there are many, many interfering MILs out there. Why? Where on earth are their manners? You should have seen my former MIL - she was a real classic.

I think it's very nice that your MIL bought your daughter a pretty dress, but telling you that she should wear it on a particular day is not OK. I agree with the comment that the fun of dressing your children is one of the rewards for all the work you put in.

I also agree with Elizabeth about being old and having family who are gone. So if it were me, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and say how beautiful the dress is and how much you look forward to dressing your daughter in it, but simply say that you had matching outfits all picked out. Then try to have your daughter wear the MIL dress as soon as possible at an occasion after Easter.

I'm sorry your MIL put you in this position.

 

[marymm]

I'm with the posters who said please dress your daughters in the matching dresses you selected for Easter and do not allow your MIL's gift to one daughter to force you to change your holiday dress plans for them.

If you extrapolate various ways your MIL could pull a similar thing:

... you plan and buy for a celebration meal for the family but she comes over with a completely different entree a few days before expecting you'll now make her choice

... your and your daughters put together their own Halloween costumes and then MIL comes over with her own costume picks for the kids

... etc.

And, honestly, who buys a present for someone, removes the tag, cleans/presses it, and then presents it? Do people really do this? In any case, by choosing to do this, your MIL is taking away any options a recipient has and quite obviously wishes to force you into dressing your 3-year-old in the new dress. I don't think this is something a loving person would do; it is something a manipulator would do. That's why I recommend having your daughters wear the dresses you picked out, and saving the "new" dress for the 3-year old from your MIL for another occasion.

Also, FWIW, right now your 3-year-old is accepting and looking forward to wearing matching dresses with her baby sister... this not something you can necessarily count on in future years; either one of them may be against the matchy thing in the future.

 

[House Cat]

How is it "keeping the peace" or creating harmony if the only person feeling peace is MIL? You will be resentful if you have to keep up some sort of facade of friendliness while giving in to her thinly masked gestures of control. Yes, it all seems very friendly and giving, and that might very well be the case, but I think you know deep down inside what her true motives are. If you want to put an end to this kind of behavior on her part, you should set a gentle boundary. You don't have to be a jerk about it. You can preserve her feelings while setting the boundary... you can say, "gosh, I really love the dress you picked out for DD and I have really been struggling with how to tell you this, but...I had already picked out matching dresses for the girls and I really had my heart set on seeing them in those dresses. I really appreciate the gesture!! I will be sure to have her wear the dress in the very near future because it is so beautiful!!"

Something like that...

I think if you just show up with the girls wearing the matching dresses, it might be a slap in the face. If you talk to her about it and you are honest about your feelings and your struggle with what your daughter will be wearing, she might feel softer feelings toward the whole situation. She might also get a clue that it would be best to ask before buying a dress for a special occasion. You could also throw that in there when you talk to her. You could say that you feel it is so adorable to have the girls matching and you want to be able to do that while you can...

Anyway, this is my idea for real peacekeeping. I hope you are able to find a solution that truly works for you.

 

[WeeOui]

Hindsight is 20/20 and all, but I probably would have handled it by telling her right away that I had already bought the girls matching dresses and was really excited about it. Then I would tell her that her dress would be perfect for the next such-and-such occasion:

"Oh my gosh, thank you soo much; this is so adorable! I was just going to tell you how excited the girls and I are because I just bought them matching dresses for Easter, but this one is going to be perfect for birthday/Mother's Day/family event/corn harvest/etc."