Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complicated?

[Rhea]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

I love my mother and our relationship falls between the 1st and 2nd choices in your poll, perfect and good.

I think it helps that my mother has a terrible, intrusive, and insensitive mother. My mother is the next generation and a reaction to her own upbringing as am I. My mother rarely offers advice, tries to help when asked, generally lets us make our own decisions and mistakes. I don't think my mother has ever criticised my choices from the little ones likes stupid outfits through to bigger ones of work, home, car, or husband. I do think mum goes too far in the opposite direction. She works too hard to back-off, she sometimes doesn't give her opinion even when asked so as not to upset anyone or put her foot in it. Our relationship seems to be more important than anything else so I don't think she's true to herself at times. That annoys me no end when I know it's happening. My mother would probably rate our relationship lower than I did, a solid good at a a guess, while hoping and holding out for that perfect score.

 

[missy]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Good morning everyone and thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it. My mother and I have a weird relationship I think but after reading some of your replies and also knowing my friends relationships with their moms I realize it's not so weird I guess.

We had a good time last night (with one minor blip explained below) which I thought we would once I said my mind before we got there. But we repeat this pattern and it is frustrating for me that I have to go through so much emotional angst yanno? We love each other and I know my mom wants what is best for me but the problem is she can be controlling. She only means well that I am sure of but doesn't get that I have certain limitations especially now due to health reasons and cannot be carefree with things like I used to be. I have more dietary restrictions than ever and also cannot eat late and many of our issues stem from that and also from the fact that I am not available all the time. All she wants is for her family to be close and loving and to that end she will do whatever she thinks is necessary to make it happen. Though we all have our own lives and are all adults she still thinks of us as children some of the time and thinks she can dictate to us certain things. So it is about boundaries and more.

My poor dad (82 years old and really such a good person one of the best I know-he and my dh are my 2 favorite people and I sure got lucky with them both!) actually stood up for me last night which he never does as he is always on my mother's side. You know for peace and all that. The husband should stand by the wife but thankfully my dad stood up for me last night which is sort of awesome. Not going into details but something happened that delayed part of our seder last night due to my BIL when we were almost done with the reading and it was getting late and I said please let's just finish instead of stopping 5 minutes before the end to wait and my mom wanted to please my sister but my dad said no we are finishing now so Missy can stay. And we did. Thank you dad! LOVE you!


I love my family and know they love me but our relationship is not simple but complicated as I think many families and relationships are. My in laws don't talk about emotions and feelings so they never have stuff like this happen. Everyone is polite and on the outside appearances are good but really they shove feelings under the proverbial rug so not my cup of tea. Fortunately my dh is not like that at all and is good at talking about feelings etc. So perhaps on the outside their family relationships seem uncomplicated but nothing could be further from the truth. I am happy for those of you who have truly uncomplicated family relationships though. Good for you!

Specific replies to all of you who kindly took the time to share with me.

Pinto, I could not agree more. That is why I have not lived at home since I was 16. I was young when I went to college and lived on campus and then lived where I went to graduate school and did my residency and then moved to my first apartment. And got my first cat haha the beginning of my cat craze. Anyway I knew I could not live with my mother as an adult. We always had a butting heads relationship though always a loving one too if that makes sense.

liaerfbv, I am so sorry you lost your mom at a relatively young age and so sorry it was not a good relationship. There are some people we just cannot have relationships with sadly no matter how closely related we are. Biggest (((hugs))) to you.

LOL about your MIL and living together. My experience is when someone is "Waspy" it is easier to get along with them even if superficially. I am glad you got closer to her when living with her. Just goes to show that generalized rules are just that. General and don't apply to everyone or every situation.


Lady Disdain, I am glad you have a good close relationship with your mom and sorry it is more complicated with your dad. Sorry your dh had to cut ties with his mom. That had to be very difficult but sometimes cutting the toxic people out is all you can do for your sanity.

tyty, very pleased you have a great relationship with your mom. LOL re your 12 year old daughter. That is a difficult age/stage and good luck with that! Haha I see some of it in my nieces and man are they mouthy at times and they were in full swing last night at our seder. I am glad though that they feel so confident and speak their minds because soon enough life shows you how difficult and challenging it can be so long live the exuberance and confidence of the children.

Sorry abut your MIL. I don't enjoy unsolicited opinions either especially if they are not positive. I find it easy to deal with my MIL these days and she never expresses her opinions unless asked. One of the advantages of having a Waspy MIL I guess.

Alex, very happy you and your siblings have a great relationship with your mom! And so glad she is always there for you whenever you need and want her to be. I am very similar to my mom and that is why we often lock horns as you say. We are both to stubborn for our own good. But I am also a lot like my dad thankfully LOL. I am a true mixture. I know you will also enjoy a great relationship with all your children because you are warm and open, caring and loving. The best possible combination for a mother. (((Hugs))).


VRbeauty, I am glad your relationship with your mom got a bit easier in the last decade of her life. I get how you had to protect yourself when things were at their most challenging and biggest (((hugs))) to you too. I am glad you were wise and knew you had to set boundaries. I find it challenging because my mother is so strong willed (as am I) and we are so close.

I guess there are always going to be relationships we wish were different but we cannot control other people. As much as we want to at times. My dh always says deal with the reality and not what you wish it was. I remember telling him how sad I was that my relationship with his mother was not a closer one (she is not warm or loving and it was something I was not used to coming from a family that is the opposite) and that I was never going to have another MIL and how I wished we were closer and he said this is just accept this is the way things are and stop wishing for something that could never be.

moneymeister, I am sorry. Mental illness is such a challenging issue for all those involved. I am glad you have an amazing therapist to help you find peace and contentment. And I am glad you realize your mom is doing the best she can under very challenging circumstances. And I agree with you that even good mother daughter relationships are fraught with tension at times. It is the nature of the beast I think. The closer one is with someone the more stress you experience when things go awry which in any really close relationship is bound to happen. Period. (((Hugs))) to you too moneymeister. Wish I could give our real life hugs to all you girls!


Queenie, so happy you have a solid and strong and loving relationship with your DD. You are a loving and warm woman and I have no doubt you will continue a good relationship with your DD. I still call my mom every day even now all these years later. It is important to her and yes to me too (usually) to chat with her even if for a short time each day. We like that connection and I think it's wonderful your DD does too. Any good, close and real relationship usually takes work.

Jambalaya, thank you as always for your input. I am sorry your sister was so difficult and that your relationship was not what you wanted it to be. My mom does have a few autoimmune diseases that cause her pain and at times it can make her feel down so yes definitely that could be a contributing factor to her moods. I cannot think of many people who are dealing with such life altering issues that this would not affect. When one is in pain one's mood cannot always be kind and loving. So I give her a pass for that. Life is challenging and we do not operate in a vacuum that is for sure. Good reminder thank you! As for her sense of ownership it is very important to her that we all remain very close. My sister and me and my parents and the nieces and yes even the dhs. And we are even if we cannot see each other as often as we would like. Life is complicated and we all have our own families and friends and none of us live super close. I wouldn't say she thinks she owns us but she very much wants us to all be in contact and enjoy a close loving relationship. And sometimes she gets a bit militant about it.

And just to straighten the record once I became a teenager my mother and I were at each other's throats much of the time and the relationship calmed down once I became a young adult but those were some tough years. And yes I was the one who said "I hate you!!!" much of the time to my mom during those teenage years. So my childhood relationship had some challenges too. But I attribute that to hormones and changing emotions etc.


Swingirl Love your rules of engagement so to speak! Very wise! I am so glad you have a good relationship with your DD and I think you always will following those rules. HA I would love to print that out and give it to my mom...maybe I will. One thing I can do is tell her how I really feel and be myself with her so that is a plus for sure. I don't pretend.

Thanks Kenny. Good points and something to think about. You know that old saying. “A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life. ”


Callie, sweetheart, you know how sorry I am about your relationship with your mother.
Why are those who are closest to us so hurtful at times? (((HUGS))).


Lil Misfit, ugh what a mess. I am so sorry! Your poor sister and what you all had to go through. Really sucks. What a nightmare you all had to go through. Big (((HUGS))) and I am glad it is resolved now. I am glad everyone is much happier now.

AprilBaby, so sorry you lost your mom when you were just a baby. I am so happy for you that you have an amazing and close relationship with your DD.

Rainwood, that does not surprise me. You are so well balanced and perfect too! So happy you enjoyed a wonderful and close relationship with your mother. You and your sister were and are lucky to have had such a perfect relationship with your mom. So glad you have no regrets regarding your relationship. That is a wonderful gift your mom gave the both of you though you 2 had something to do with it for sure. (((Hugs))).

luv2sparkle, haha you made me laugh so hard. "The only reason she lived through it was because she was the oldest and I couldn't go to jail when I have others left at home to raise. Talk about pushing all your buttons." LOL. Glad you didn't do anything irrevocable. Yanno, at that age I think it is forgivable though I can only imagine how incredibly challenging too. So glad you guys have a wonderful relationship now that she is an adult. And congratulations on the soon to be birth of your grandchild!!! How exciting! Wishing her an easy birth and a healthy baby!!!

ckrickett, glad you enjoy a close and happy relationship with your mother. I think it's important if you are close with someone to say what's on your mind and work things through. So glad you have each other in your lives.

momhappy, you are right. Any kind of relationship could be fraught with tension for sure. Just thinking perhaps mother and daughter tends to be more volatile than other kinds but maybe not. It's strange with my relationship with my mom. We are back to being great. I rated our relationship as average though in my poll though we are so close because of how we can go from great to not so great and back in a split second. Though in general I would say we are good more than we are not when we are not it just drains the good if you kwim. Honestly with my relationship with my mom I should have created 2 polls. One that says it is great much of the time and one that says it is awful some of the time. LOL.

sonnyjane, I get that and glad it works well for you 2. It definitely helps to set important boundaries even more I think when you live far away (though a concern of mine would be when they visit where would they stay). One of the issues I have with my mom is she would freak out if we moved too far away. There's that controlling aspect again. We aren't going anywhere especially because my dad is up there in age and we don't want to be too far away but honestly my mom would be quite upset if we moved far. I agree that long distance sometimes is the best kind of relationship though.

Rhea, I am glad you have a close good relationship with your mom. I am sorry about your grandmother and that had to affect your mom quite a bit.

I can see how the other end of the spectrum i.e. offering too little input could be annoying. It's like goldilocks and the 3 bears. There are extremes on both ends and then the middle which is often just right. And then there is the saying that "perfect is the enemy of good". I keep telling myself that to soften my perfectionist tendencies. And it often works.

Gypsy, I really appreciate you sharing this with me to help me process things. I am glad you have a good working relationship with your mom now. I agree it is important to get things out and not sweep them under the rug and talk about feelings and boundaries. Boundaries are critical and it is one area I have worked on with my mom and it is improving all the time re that. She respects the fact that I cannot be at every family occasion because we have our own lives but we do what we can and try to attend many of the events.

And like you cutting her out is not an option. It would kill them both and I love her and my dad too much and could never do it and anyway I don't think in this case it is warranted. She has not done anything purposefully terrible or malicious and though it has affected me negatively at times I know she doesn't mean for that to be the case. I have to work on being better in control of how I let this make me feel. That's on me. Not to let her negative behavior affect me so negatively if that makes sense.

I agree with you also in that as long as she is open to listening to how her behavior makes me feel (and I am open to how my behavior makes her feel) and open to improving our relationship I am good with continuing to try making it better and better with less stress and trauma. You are right. As long as we both keep trying that is the key.

Thank you all for your empathy and compassion and for sharing your stories too. Wishing everyone happy, healthy and peaceful relationships going forward with those we love and who love us. (((HUGS))).

Adding 2 pics of my parents. Hope nobody minds me sharing the pics. My parents were the first close relationship I ever had. I was the first born (if you don't count our dog that is) and had no sibling for a little over 2 years. First photo from their wedding day Christmas 1963 and second from last summer. I hope they are in my life for a very long time despite the challenges I face with my mom. I love them and cannot bear to think of a time I won't have them in my life anymore.

 

[Ally T]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

What beautiful, healthy & happy looking parents you have! I'm glad you managed to work through last night & yay for your father supporting you! He of all people will know & understand the complex pattern between you & your mum. And I expect he also has words with your mum about it when they are alone. The relationship between a father & his first born daughter runs deep - I only have to watch my husband & 7 year old to see that, and it brings tears to my eyes. It's a beautiful thing.

I hope you can manage to keep communicating with her & that you can achieve a calmer relationship. Reading everybody's replies on here is very insightful - you are not alone & lots of people send you their love x

 

[monarch64]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

I was too exhausted last night to get into this thread or post a response, but today I feel rested AND I'll be seeing my parents in a few hours, so here we go.

You are not alone. I love my mom more than any person in the world, yet I can get more frustrated and hurt by her than anyone else as well. I cannot even begin to describe the struggles we had when I was growing up trying to cut the cord. She raised me to be very independent (and that was an innate part of my personality, too), so while I loved her fiercely I also wanted to get away from her and live my way! We are very different people with somewhat different world views. As you can imagine that made for some very heated disputes. My poor dad just tried to stay out of the way.

No matter how much distance has been between us physically, my mother unfailingly knows/senses when something in my life is not going well or if I am ill or hurt. It is the strangest thing. It also makes it hard for two people who really need to spend time apart not getting into it with each other when their bond is so deep it won't let them stay separate for long!

All in all, we have a good relationship. I just have to set boundaries sometimes and stand up for myself so I don't feel manipulated. And now that I have a daughter I have to be really conscious of not letting her world revolve around me--her daddy is very very involved in her life, much more so than my dad was involved in ours. I am close with my dad but in order to get to him you always had to go through my mother. We are not having that here!

ETA: Missy, you look so much like your dad! In the wedding photo of them it is really apparent!

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

((HUGS)) Missy. Glad my story was able to help, even a little.

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

You are brave missy, to even broach this subject. It's so messy for me, that I couldn't even click on this thread until I had a hard run.

My view point and understanding about my mom and our relationship have changed immensely as I've aged, and I think it will continue to do so.

I love my mom, a lot. I respect and understand, and empathize with her more and more as I grow older. However, she and I are so different in many ways that having a smooth relationship is very difficult.

As I grow older, I appreciate her character more and more, her risk-taking personality (opposite of me), her business savvy, her competence as a person, her willingness to plan and face the future, her forgiving and giving nature, her kindness and positive attitude, her being a wonderful friend and sister to so many people. In almost all these areas, I am almost the complete opposite. I grew up not understanding my mom, because so many of her decisions would have been so opposite of mine. And being the self-centered, arrogant, ultra-conservative (not politically) and judgmental person I am, this made for a difficult relationship between us. I feel most of the discord in our relationship is my fault. I'm working on it, and try hard every time we are together. I love her very much, and I don't want to hurt her or cause her pain.

I recognize how wise and giving she is, now that I am older and more mature, and have seen more of the world. In many ways, I want to be the kind of mother to my daughter that she has been to me. She will give me everything, of her finances and her time and energy. She tries to provide for my children too. She plans to the nth degree, and even though it can be a lot to handle, she makes extremely wise financial planning decisions. And for someone that has had to scrape and save her whole life, has grown up in extreme poverty, that has all the meaning in the world to me. Knowing that my mom will ALWAYS be there for me has made me feel safe my whole life. And this means more and more to me as I grow older.

My relationship with my daughter is quite different from the one between my mom and me, much less conflict. My daughter is actually a lot like me, but exhibits my personality traits but to a more extreme degree. I now can see why it was so difficult to be my mother (being who my own mother is) when I was growing up. Personality wise, I am a lot more like my dad. I am quite opposite of my mother, and can deal with my daughter better because I do understand her, and definitely know where she is coming from. So I am able to identify and address her concerns quite easily. However, my daughter is so extreme that it is just hard to take at times.

So yes, it is very complicated and confusing and for me, still constantly changing. I love my mom, yet our relationship still breaks my heart sometimes. However, I do realize that for me and my parents, I haven't fully cut ties. We are one family, even though there are pros and cons to that. I accept it and would not have it any other way.

 

[marcy]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

I was able to vote perfect but sadly my mom has been gone for almost 3 years now. She was the person I was closest to for most of my adult life and we rarely had issues or exchanged harsh words.

I am the youngest of 3 girls and my parents were always the cool parents and our house was where all our friends liked to hang out.

Both my parents were open, loving, supportive, caring and giving. My dad worked 2 jobs with one day off a week so we didn't see him a lot but my mom was a stay at home mom so she was always there for us. Growing up I was a good student, always did work and chores around the house and didn't give my parents any big problems. During college I discovered beer and a social life so my grades faltered but I just heard about the 4 year party my parents paid for; I did get a 4.0 the last 2 semesters. I actually moved home after college because I did have a good relationship with my parents.

After college is when my mom and I really became close and became friends. We spent time together shopping, doing crafts and she was who I sought out for help, advice and support.

I would say she wasn't judgmental but would keep asking questions trying to steer you to a point where you could answer your own questions. She was able to see both sides to any story something I inherited from her. She always offered to help anyone out and was everyone's friend.

When she passed away 2 of my best friends growing up both told me how much my mom helped them become the people they are today. The one girl had alcoholic parents and an awful homelife. The other one was mentally abused by her divorced and very bitter mom. Both those girls told me my mom and our home was the only place they had a normal life and felt safe. The one girl wrote such a lovely tribute to my mom the minister read it during her funeral service.

Odd thing is my sisters wouldn't vote the same way. One sister always felt my mom criticized her and that she was cheated out of things that were hers. I think she never moved in to an adult mother-daughter relationship. The other sister is very bitter, dwells on the past and was horribly mean to my mom even when she got sick. To her my mom was to blame for everything that ever went wrong in her life and she would say awful things to my mom.

Was my mom perfect? No but I always kept in mind my mom isn't always going to be here and I'm not going to have regrets about some trivial fight or hurt feelings. I do feel lucky and fortunate that I had such a wonderful mom.

 

[MarionC]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Marcy, what a great tribute to your Mom.
I am so glad you had so much love between you!

 

[missy]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Thank you Alex, Gypsy and Monnie.

LLJsmom, you are the brave one and I admire the way you make it work. Every single day. I could never live with my parents. I have said it before and I will say it again. You ROCK. In many many ways.
And your mom is awesome too.

Marcy, I am so glad you had such a special and close relationship with your mom (and with your dad too) and she is always there in your heart. Both your parents were amazing people and you can see so much of them in you. (((HUGS))).

 

[Queenie60]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

I was able to vote perfect but sadly my mom has been gone for almost 3 years now. She was the person I was closest to for most of my adult life and we rarely had issues or exchanged harsh words.

I am the youngest of 3 girls and my parents were always the cool parents and our house was where all our friends liked to hang out.

Both my parents were open, loving, supportive, caring and giving. My dad worked 2 jobs with one day off a week so we didn't see him a lot but my mom was a stay at home mom so she was always there for us. Growing up I was a good student, always did work and chores around the house and didn't give my parents any big problems. During college I discovered beer and a social life so my grades faltered but I just heard about the 4 year party my parents paid for; I did get a 4.0 the last 2 semesters. I actually moved home after college because I did have a good relationship with my parents.

After college is when my mom and I really became close and became friends. We spent time together shopping, doing crafts and she was who I sought out for help, advice and support.

I would say she wasn't judgmental but would keep asking questions trying to steer you to a point where you could answer your own questions. She was able to see both sides to any story something I inherited from her. She always offered to help anyone out and was everyone's friend.

When she passed away 2 of my best friends growing up both told me how much my mom helped them become the people they are today. The one girl had alcoholic parents and an awful homelife. The other one was mentally abused by her divorced and very bitter mom. Both those girls told me my mom and our home was the only place they had a normal life and felt safe. The one girl wrote such a lovely tribute to my mom the minister read it during her funeral service.

Odd thing is my sisters wouldn't vote the same way. One sister always felt my mom criticized her and that she was cheated out of things that were hers. I think she never moved in to an adult mother-daughter relationship. The other sister is very bitter, dwells on the past and was horribly mean to my mom even when she got sick. To her my mom was to blame for everything that ever went wrong in her life and she would say awful things to my mom.

Was my mom perfect? No but I always kept in mind my mom isn't always going to be here and I'm not going to have regrets about some trivial fight or hurt feelings. I do feel lucky and fortunate that I had such a wonderful mom.

Marcy: Wonderful tribute to your mother. I hope that one day my daughter will feel the same for me.

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Marcy, how loving and mature you are. I am so happy you had a wonderful relationship with your mom! It is something I aspire to. Thank you for sharing.

 

[mom2dolls]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

This is such a painful topic for me. My mom has been gone almost nine years now. She passed suddenly from a massive heart attack, I was 31 yrs. old. My parents divorced when I was a year old. I am the youngest of three daughters.
We often went without speaking for years at a time because I could no longer handle the manipulation and judgment from her and my sister. Everything I did was wrong. Staying home with my daughters instead of working, breastfeeding too long, standing up for my niece when my sister did drugs right in front of her. It became too much.

I chose to put my little family first. We had not spoken for over two years, she sent my girls Easter baskets in the mail. I called to say thank you. We slowly began talking again. She came over a few times for short periods of time until things were somewhat normal again. My ex and I decided to move out of state, she helped us with a garage sale and packing for the move. Once we were settled in the new state, she came out to watch my other sisters children while they were on vacation. This trip was probably the best time I had with my mom. Almost like we finally accepted each other for who we were. When she returned home, we would talk for hours on the phone at night. Just about life. It was something I never thought I would have with her.
She died two weeks later.

I have learned more through this experience than I can put into words. I raise my daughters with respect for the individuals that they are. I will also mark this page for all the wonderful advice shared.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Depends on the day. Usually a 4
Sometimes improves and leaves me hoping for a 3. Sometimes it gets so bad we don't see each other for over a year and verges on a 5.

 

[tyty333]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

I have a good relationship with my daughter. I have learned, though, that I have to be very aware of what I say. My rules are--

1. Don't offer an opinion unless asked. I listen for the, "mom, what do you think" or "what would you do if..."
2. Don't criticize, period. Either compliment or stay quiet.
3. Ask what she wants/needs. Don't assume you know. "Let me know if I can help".
4. Offer praise, encouragement, confidence and positivity. My favorite thing to tell her is that I trust she will figure it out, whatever the issue may be. I realize her decision for herself is far better than anything I could come up with---unless she asks for my opinion or feedback.

In the past I may have been too negative and too opinionated about her life, but that never works. So I learned.

I find all of this really good advice...thanks swingirl! I think I need to print this post out and stick it somewhere I'll see it everyday!

 

[wildcat03]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Ugh. My mom's and my relationship is SO complicated. And, as my career has moved me further away it's only become worse. Why? Because my mother is super critical of my housekeeping and always has something to say about how I should do things differently. I am pretty messy, but my house is CLEAN. But her attitude about it makes me not want to have her stay with me. I always make sure that the guest room is clean with freshly washed sheets and duvet cover and the hardwood floors are clean/freshly vacuumed. The bathroom is always clean for her but unfortunately a bit cluttered. The common rooms are clean but not EVERY SINGLE piece of paper is put away/there are occasional piles of things that need attention around. And she can't stop harping on it (which is HILARIOUS if you ever saw my parents house when I was growing up - it was maybe a half step above mine in how clean/picked up it was and my mother didn't work outside the home).

Last time she came to visit I picked her up at the airport and was at dinner with just her and my fiancé and she started poking fun at my housekeeping. WE HADN'T EVEN BEEN TO MY HOUSE YET! I looked at her and said, "I spent a lot of time straightening up this week. If you don't like the condition it's in, there's a very nice Marriott about 2 miles down the street. I think their room rate is $300/night, but they will make your bed and leave a mint on your pillow." It helped temporarily but then we had a big blowup about it a month later... My mother claims that her teasing about my housekeeping wouldn't bother me if I didn't have a "guilty conscience" about it. I think her teasing wouldn't bother me if it wasn't rooted in judging me. When I told her this she admitted that she did judge me for my housekeeping.

Ugh...I need to stop. I'm almost crying now. Wish I were kidding.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Wow, Wildcat, I'm so sorry. I know how upsetting talking about some of this stuff can be. My mom used to criticize something about me that deserved no criticism whatsoever and I remember the way that made me feel. It was like she saw me as an extension of herself and that part of her she didn't like she saw in something about me. Looking back on it now, it was a perpetuation of the ways in which someone had criticized HER. So I wonder if your mom's housekeeping hangup has something to do with her insecurity over her own issues with cleaning/housekeeping. Sorry to get all armchair psychologist. It just makes me sad to see someone else hurting.

 

[marcy]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Thank you Jimmianne, Missy, Queenie60 and LLJsmom. I feel very fortunate to have had such a wonderful mom and that I had such a close relationship with her. I was also very close to my dad and their love and support over the years made me the person I am today.

Queenie60, I hope you and your daughter do become that close. It will be something you both cherish.

 

[missy]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

mom2dolls, I am glad you got to resolve some issues with your mom before she died. And that it brought you peace and perspective also. Hugs to you and your family.

TooPatient, I'm sorry that you are dealing with a rocky relationship too. Hugs.

wildcat, I am so sorry and I feel your pain and am sending the biggest hugs and much love and comfort to you. The people who are closest to us can often hurt us so deeply. (((HUGS))).

 

[imitcan]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

I so value all the advice and the experiences shared. Thank you. I am the only daughter of my parents and I am raising a daughter as well. I can relate to a lot of different things I read on all your posts.

As I was reading I couldn't help coming to a conclusion about my only slightly average relationship with my widowed mom. So here it goes; please advise as I will appreciate any and all words of wisdom: I often feel that my mom is competing with me and she is a sore loser if I upstage her (always unwittingly) in any way!!!

Does anyone else feel this way? It was worse when my dad was still alive. She would put me down in front of him, to the point where one of my brothers would have to stick up for me. I was the apple of my dad's eye, mostly because I was his only daughter and because I was a very late in life "surprise" baby. And I was a good kid too. But they had a good relationship and enjoyed a long marriage with lots of happy times. But even now (my mom is in her late 80's) I can sense resentment from her and she says things like "Well I never had that, aren't you special', but not in a "I'm happy for you" sense.

She's mellowed out in old age but every now and again I can still feel it. It makes me so sad.

Thanks for listening/reading.

I.

 

[Puppmom]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Wow, I'm so sorry for those of you that have very critical parents. I have a 21 year old daughter who has 2 children and sometimes it's hard but I always try to keep my mouth shut unless I'm asked for advice. I treat her as I would any other adult in my life in that respect. It's not always easy like I said because I sometimes watch her struggle and think to myself, "i know a better way" or "oh man. i would not do that if i were you!" but I don't say anything because no one is in danger and she'll ask my opinion if she wants it. And she does want it...sometimes. And, I think you're very unlikely to solicit opinions of people who are critical of you.

My relationship with my own mother is kind of casual for lack of a better term. She's very opinionated and while, not directly critical of me, she feels very strongly about things that don't warrant a strong opinion one way or the other...to me anyway. She's also a gossip...like the woman cannot hold herself back from sharing. I don't know why. Seems she can't help it. So I don't tell her anything that I'm not okay with everyone knowing. I don't feel bad about that. It's just the way it is. I just keep the conversations light.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

I so value all the advice and the experiences shared. Thank you. I am the only daughter of my parents and I am raising a daughter as well. I can relate to a lot of different things I read on all your posts.

As I was reading I couldn't help coming to a conclusion about my only slightly average relationship with my widowed mom. So here it goes; please advise as I will appreciate any and all words of wisdom: I often feel that my mom is competing with me and she is a sore loser if I upstage her (always unwittingly) in any way!!!

Does anyone else feel this way? It was worse when my dad was still alive. She would put me down in front of him, to the point where one of my brothers would have to stick up for me. I was the apple of my dad's eye, mostly because I was his only daughter and because I was a very late in life "surprise" baby. And I was a good kid too. But they had a good relationship and enjoyed a long marriage with lots of happy times. But even now (my mom is in her late 80's) I can sense resentment from her and she says things like "Well I never had that, aren't you special', but not in a "I'm happy for you" sense.

She's mellowed out in old age but every now and again I can still feel it. It makes me so sad.

Thanks for listening/reading.

I.

It isn't you, or your fault. It's your mother's insecurities causing her to compare herself to you and feeling resentful that she herself doesn't measure up. You are, unfortunately, a reminder to her of what she never accomplished or things she never had for herself. It must be difficult for your mom to have gone through your upbringing with that mindset. None of it is your fault or your problem, but I know how much it hurts when you feel your mom isn't celebrating your success.

My mom compared herself to me physically a lot. When I was a teenager she would tell me how much bigger I was than she was at that age, and she'd make me try on clothes from that era that she'd hung on to. She talked constantly about my body, in front of me, to her friends. She made comments about my body in front of my father and brother and my brother used to make fun of my thighs, which were normal, strong, healthy ones. All kinds of little comments over the years, all of which she denies making! I was not allowed to dress "inappropriately" or older than my age, whatever that meant. So I've had some fun body image issues all my life which I am trying desperately not to pass on to my daughter. After I went through therapy for an eating disorder and gained a little weight back, she told me my father liked me better at my new, heavier weight. My self-worth and apparently my worth in my family was tied up in my appearance, because HER worth had been tied up in hers all her life. It was total projection on her part and it really messed me up.

I cried at our gender ultrasound appointment when we found out we were having a girl. My mother was with us. All I could think was how much drama and strife I went through as a 10 year old on, and I remember just being scared to death in that moment that this was real and how was I going to possibly handle raising a daughter without totally messing her up?

So far I have managed to remember every day that my daughter is not an extension of myself. She isn't MINE to mold into an image of ME. She is her own person and will have her own personality and quirks and likes and dislikes, and those will probably all be different from mine. Her body is HERS and as long as it is healthy there is no reason for me to make comments about it or intervene or ask that she dress it a certain way beyond what is appropriate for the weather. I am otherwise only responsible for providing healthy food options, guiding her through her education, and answering/discussing questions she has about anything and everything. And my hope for her is that she is happy, whatever that means for her.

*pleasedon'tletmescrewherup*

Sorry, that turned into a novel about me and my stuff. But I wrote it because I can relate to your story as well as others here. I love my mother. I respect her and admire so many things about her. But yes, we have our issues. You are not alone!

 

[imitcan]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Thank you Monarch64. I'm so sorry to hear that you had it so tough but I am so happy that you honour and value your daughter as an individual. I am trying to do the same with mine and not treat her like my mother does me. I particularly like your affirmation of loving and respecting your mom. I do too! I try to be patient and not react harshly, but it's hard. You have certainly helped by explaining that her behaviour stems from her lack of self confidence and low esteem. It helps to understand where she is coming from if I'm to be tolerant and respectful. I pray that my girl and I continue to nurture a better relationship; at least we know what not to do with our daughters.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Thank you Monarch64. I'm so sorry to hear that you had it so tough but I am so happy that you honour and value your daughter as an individual. I am trying to do the same with mine and not treat her like my mother does me. I particularly like your affirmation of loving and respecting your mom. I do too! I try to be patient and not react harshly, but it's hard. You have certainly helped by explaining that her behaviour stems from her lack of self confidence and low esteem. It helps to understand where she is coming from if I'm to be tolerant and respectful. I pray that my girl and I continue to nurture a better relationship; at least we know what not to do with our daughters.

You are so welcome, and glad I could help a little by sharing. I love my mom so much and I hate to speak negatively about her, but sometimes it helps to vent and share with others who are going through similar circumstances with their loved ones. PS has always been a therapeutic place for me over the years and I hope being part of this community is helpful to you as well. Hugs!

 

[missy]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Imitcan, I'm sorry your mom can be critical of you and glad your received some amazing advice from Monnie. Best wishes for continued improvement in your mother daughter relationship with your mom and your DD. I have no doubt you are a terrific mom.

puppmom, it sounds like you have a good handle on how to be with your DD and grandkids. It is good she turns to you to ask for advice when she needs it. I am sorry while your relationship with your mom isn't as close as you would like it to be it sounds like it has helped you in your relationship with your DD. It is challenging dealing with a close loved one who repeats things you tell her that are not meant for everyone to know. You are dealing with it the best way you can...kudos to you.

Monnie, I'm glad you are so self aware and that goes such a long way in all your important relationships. Tolerance and respect are something you are great with and I know that translates to healthy and happy close relationships in your life. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. I agree. PS is incredibly therapeutic in many ways. Bling therapy is not its only forte.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

From a biological/evolutionary/anthropological standpoint, same-sex cohorts are rivals, and can lead to tension, even if it's mother/daughter.

My mom and I have the best relationship ever now that we are 2,000 miles apart...

Ding ding ding..we have a winner folks. I can't type too much today, but let me just say this was the dynamic when I grew up. My mother saw us all as competition {and an unnecessary expense}. In addition she must have felt threatened when my two sisters and I got along because she was constantly fomenting trouble among the three of us. I could go on and on, but I like to keep that part of my life in the distant past.

 

[Arcadian]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Missy, hopefully you will continue to clear the air as you go along.

Yes they can be complicated, but also in that complication you can sometimes have a very beautiful relationship.

My mom sees me as "her baby" but she also knows that this loudmouth baby of hers will tell her to have a stadium full of seats if she's in the wrong. She's my mommy, I got her figured out

My sister's relationship with her was fire to her oil. yeah that bad. After my sister was diagnosed with Leukemia, they had a good talk. They finally understand where each other is coming from. Its sad it took that to do it, but sometimes it just does.

BTW Kenny, my mother encouraged both of her daughters to be more than she was, to not make the same mistakes she did. My sister is JUST LIKE HER, hence WWIII sometimes breaking out when they were in the same room.

 

[missy]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Amber, (((HUGS))). That sucks and is not the way life should be. I am glad you and your sisters were/are close despite your mom's behavior.

Thank you Arcadian and yes my mom is the same way with wanting her daughters to be and have so much more than she ever could. Though she has a pretty good life IMO. A wonderful, loving, supportive and adoring dh (who bought her lots of gorgeous bling too!) who has stood by her through many health issues that were and are pretty major. He has never wavered in his support and love for her nor has she for him.

I know our difficulties don't stem from jealousy or pettiness but instead occur because my mom thinks she knows best (and that includes what is best for me and not just her) and is too controlling. And yes she also (IMO) tends to put my sister's needs above mine for whatever reason. Perhaps in her mind (and my sister's too) because my sister has children their schedules matter more than my and my dh's schedules etc. IDK and truthfully I don't care. I know she is trying (at least for now) but I also realize it can just like that slip back into dysfunction and mayhem. I am forever setting boundaries that are sometimes respected and sometimes not and I will continue working towards a better relationship with her. But you know what the definition of insanity is LOL. And sometimes I feel like we are on that roller coaster but I will continue to be positive and hopeful and do the best I can.

We are seeing my family again this weekend so we shall see how it goes. We are celebrating my father's 82nd birthday and celebrating Mother's Day a week in advance. We always celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day on different days due to traffic. We don't often celebrate separate birthdays but since my dad's birthday is falling on our Mother's Day celebration we are doing both this weekend.

I will also add that my mother and I are more alike than different so perhaps it is the oil and fire scenario at least somewhat with us too...

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Missy, I just want to say how much I love the photos of your parents. I like the recent one the best. They look like a real salt-of-the-earth couple, and so happy together. Brings a tear to my eye to see older couples together like this, because my parents were devoted like that too but they never reached the age of yours, and I know how much they were hoping that they would. Oh, well. It's a wonderful photo, anyway. They're so lucky still to have each other.

 

[MarionC]

Re: Mother Daughter relationships...are they all so complica

Missy, I just want to say how much I love the photos of your parents. I like the recent one the best. They look like a real salt-of-the-earth couple, and so happy together. Brings a tear to my eye to see older couples together like this, because my parents were devoted like that too but they never reached the age of yours, and I know how much they were hoping that they would. Oh, well. It's a wonderful photo, anyway. They're so lucky still to have each other.

well said!

My adult DD & I occasionally have issues but we loved each other so much and try to meet in the middle as much as possible.
A few weeks ago she said something very painful - not mean - just her truth which included her wanting me at arm's length. I was very sad.
A week later she had a problem and needed her Mom and was very happy to have me around as much as possible LOL

My Mother and I had a totally dysfunctional relationship. She probably was not a well person. Yet we loved each other deeply and until the day she died I relied on her presence. She still gives a bit of advice when I ask LOL