Moving In together- Opinons?

[zilaras]

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

This is going to become heated, it always does. There have been many posts like this, but the most recent is here: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/did-you-live-together-before-marriage.78571/



We have been living together on and off, mostly on, since we started dating over 4 years ago. I have yet to come across a single con of doing it that way and would not change a thing.
It is a lot cheaper
We don''t have to do the chores we hate ie, I hate doing dishes and he hates cleaning the bathroom so if we were seperate would would have to do the hated chores
We get to spend a lot more time together which cements the relationship
our cats live together so they don''t get lonely
I get to wake up to him every morning which makes my day better
we know how to live with each other so we don''t have to try and sort it out while moving in togehter, getting married, dealing with family, etc
it makes our realtionship more "real" to our families which is a major plus when dealing with FMIL

It does take away some of the novelty and excitement of getting married, but I am glad for that too. My FI grew up in a rural area and his friends didn''t live together before marriage, were so excited about that part that they picked bad partners and got divorces. I met my FI when I was 18, far too young for me to get married but living together took off the pressure to do so.

 

[anchor31]

I just want to start byt saying you are opening a huge can of worms. Also, there have been MANY threads about this since I got here 2.5 years ago. Usually, the general consensus was that people should do whatever they''re comfortable with. However I''ve noticed that back when I was a LIW 2.5 years ago, there were more ladies who wanted engagement/marriage before marriage than there are now (at least from what I read in the latest similar thread).

 

[anchor31]

If you''re up for some reading, this might prove interesting...

Here''s a thread from 2004: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/living-together-before-marriage.21738/

2005: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/opinions-about-living-together-before-getting-married.35421/

2006: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/living-together-before-marriage.54664/

2007: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/do-you-live-with-your-so.74169/

2008: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/living-together-before-marriage.80343/

 

[Cleopatra]

My FI and I live together right now. We've been together for nearly 8 years. At this time last year, we decided to start house/condo hunting. My FI was the one who had the down payment, so the condo that we chose is in his name, not mine. At the time we were condo hunting, we were not engaged. But soon after his offer was accepted, he proposed...We moved in together last June and have been happily living together ever since.

I don't think there is a rule of thumb to follow. You do what your heart tells you to do, but whole heartedly understanding the fact that anything can happen. I would never believe that FI and I would split up in between our move-in date and our August 2008 wedding, but I did have a backup plan JUST in case...You must be prepared for anything life throws at you. Just my humble opinion....good luck!

 

[KCCutie]

I agree that each person should do what they feel comfortable with.

For me that''s not moving in with my SO until we are engaged. personally I''ve seen way to many women move in with a guy right away and become reliant on them to the point that even when they wanted to leave they couldn''t. I never want that to happen to me. For me and for my SO marriage is forever (as I know it is for many others) we don''t really believe in divorce. Once we''ve made a firm commitment to get married then we know we will be able to work through any little hiccups that moving in together may cause. He lived with a previous gf and thought it was all around a bad decision for him and he doesn''t want to do it again. We''re in the process of looking for a house now and we both agree that before we move into that house there will need to be a ring on my finger. That''s just the way we want to do it.

However his sister moved in with her now FI before they got engaged and it has worked out perfectly for them. So really it''s up to the couple.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

be careful. i lived with my ex SO now for 2 years and now that we are broken up everything is so complicated and such a pain in the a$$. next relationship i will not be moving in unless i have a ring on my finger, no doubts about it.

 

[Dani511]

My BF and I have decided not to move in together for at least another year or more, in order to save money for both a wedding and a downpayment on a condo or a house. We are both currently rent free. At first, we weren''t going to get engaged until we lived together, but if all goes well, we''ll be engaged within 6-8 months. For us, saving money for as long as possible is the best option right now. Everyone has a different sitatution- it is about what will work best for you as a couple.

 

[gwendolyn]

Everyone's different. Do what works for you, and respect that other people will make another choice for themselves.

 

[sunnyd]

I''ve lived with a guy I would have had no business marrying. We had bought furniture together, appliances, thank god I didn''t go on the mortgage with him. I left him, and left all that stuff (lotsa money...) behind. But I did think we would get married. Young and stupid...

When current SO moved in with me, I knew that there would be no major purchases until a ring was involved. We just went on insurance together, but this time engagement isn''t just ''in the future'' as it was before. It''s happening within a few months.

 

[musey]

Opinions?

Best thing I ever did, and I personally wouldn't like to get married without having lived together first. Though in our case, we likely would have been fine--we really have had no problems, from day one. It's nice to know that before walking down the aisle, though, for my own peace of mind. I tend to be a bit of a skeptic

Everyone's different, though, obviously. Talk it through thoroughly with your significant other first, and make sure you're both on the same page. Don't ever make exceptions to your own moral code--you'll likely regret it.

I shall now retire from this thread...

 

[MoonWater]

Been with my FF for 5 years and we''ve lived together for over 4 years. I''m more like musey on this, I need to know before I get married. We had a few rough patches which I''m very glad we worked out before marriage because if it had happened after, I think I would have regretted getting married. Now we can both walk in with our eyes wide open. We know each others flaws and what we''d like to work on. I feel like there will be no surprises. Our current status: the ring has been purchased and I''m waiting on the proposal.

 

[Bliss]

I think that if you''re with the right person, the decision to move in together will be the right one.

My gut says not to move in with a man until we''re at least engaged. But I know so many couples who have lived together before engagement and are now happily married.

So I have to say - it depends on you!

Sometimes it''s the best decision ever. Sometimes it''s really traumatic when it''s the wrong one!

There isn''t really a right or wrong answer.

That having been said, it would be ideal if you''re at least on the same page about getting married. Intention can be powerful, too! So if you''re both in agreement and there is a solid base there, I don''t see why it wouldn''t work.

 

[cutiegirl84]

I agree that you should only live together if you are comfortable and feel like its the right decision. I live w/ my BF now for 1.5 years and we have been together 7 years this July. i notice we fight SOOOO much less than before we moved in. But some tips about moving in before getting engaged:

1. make sure both of your names are on the lease/mortgage. That way if something goes wrong you aren''t left with nothing to show for it (credit, equity, etc.)
2. get a joint account for joint purchases (rent, food, stuff for house, etc).
3. put bills half in your name half in his . that way if things go bad you don''t get screwed credit if he is a vindictive @$$.

But me and BF keep out our $ separate for things we DON''T share; which makes grocery store visits a little sillier but it''s totally worth it... soo many couples fight about $$ but we don''t because we keep it separate. when we get engaged or married we will combine everything.

Also, I''m neurotic and super organized and kept a color-coded spreadsheet and receipts before we moved in keeping track of everything we bought for the apartment and who paid for what, and what was a gift, and what was jointly purchased etc. so there is a paper trail just in case.

Don''t get me wrong I love my BF more than anything and I know we will be married one day, but I think its just practical if you aren''t married that you protect yourself so that you aren''t completely reliant on one another until there is a ring and marriage to protect you in case things go bad. I''ve read too many family law and divorce law horror stories so I figured I''d put that out there. Just my .02.

 

[DMBsGirl]

I didn''t want to live with my FH before we were engaged, but did so out of convenience (he bought a coop about 45 mins closer to my job than my parent''s house was.) We got engaged about 10 months after living together and I have no regrets about moving in. FH and I had been dating for almost nine years, there was no question that both parties were commited to the relationship. Living together is tough, and I am glad that we got the "adjustment" period out of the way. I would not have liked to follow the stress of the wedding with the stress of adjusting to living with someone. Obviously, this is a personal choice and you should make whatever decision is right for you. Every situation is different.

 

[brooke.lynne]

Can of worms, indeed.

Just make sure that if you''re going to do it, you are on the same page about intentions. If one of you thinks it is a test-drive of marriage material and the other thinks it is a way to save on rent, that will be a problem.

If you would like to move in together with your SO because you are considering marrying him, you should talk to him and make sure his intentions are the same.

My 2¢

 

[Miscka]

LOL this topic is like a cockroach. At the end of the world it will be all that remains-coackroaches and the living together debate.

 

[LaraOnline]

Before you move in with a guy, I reckon you should be really as honest as you possibly can with yourself, as to what you want out of it. This is just as difficult as getting him to be honest!

I think a timeline is also important, for example, I would hope my daughter would be engaged either before moving in to gether, or within, say, six months (ring and all) with a date set for , say, two years after moving in together. This should be a firm commitment!

That way, if it falls to bits, she can move on with a degree of dignity. Many, if not most, live-in relationships fall apart through lack of direction. The woman gets sick of picking up his underpants; the man wants to keep playing nintendo and avoiding marriage for as long as possible.

It gets wearing and disorienting to move in and out with various partners, as you move through single life, and I think it can affect the integrity of any final marriage, perhaps especially for girls.

That said, there are also advantages (possibly a more considered approach to eventual marriage, at times), and having moved in together, if you move smoothly on to marriage, it''s probably worked out pretty well for you!

Is your guy a switched on, marrying type? Is he responsible, considerate blah blah

As a gen-xer,. though, having living through the hey day of ''shack-ups'', I think there are definite cons that women need to be aware of! Unworthy or uncommitted partners do not become worthy by living together.

Best of luck with whatever you decide!

 

[bee*]

I didn''t want to move in until we got engaged. We''ve been together nearly 9 years, got engaged last October and are moving in together in three weeks. Cannot wait to move in now. We''ve lived with each other before when we were travelling for months, but haven''t lived together at home.

 

[baby monster]

Date: 4/26/2008 5:26:27 AM
Author: LaraOnline

The woman gets sick of picking up his underpants; the man wants to keep playing nintendo and avoiding marriage for as long as possible.

I haven''t met any wife who likes to do that either

.

I see no downsides to living together. It''s the only way to figure out if the other person is normal or insane and if insane, can you live with that particular type of insanity.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

As everybody else has said, it just depends on the couple.

I lived with DH for 7 years before we were married--when he was dragging his feet about marriage and I moved out, everybody said "I bet you don''t live with another man until you''re engaged" which sounded nutty to me. If a man proposed and we hadn''t lived together first, I''d turn him down and suggest living together for a year before getting engaged. But that''s just me.

The only time I see it as a very bad idea is when a woman has been wanting marriage for a long time and moves in thinking it''s a step in the right direction WITHOUT discussing a timeline. I often see women who are ready to be engaged chomp at the bit when the bf suggests moving in together, then get even more frustrated when 6 months or a year go by without a proposal. She thought he would propose soon after moving in together while he just considers it a "next step" and thinks it takes pressure OFF of proposing. Obviously all communication about a marriage timeline needs to happen before moving in.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 4/26/2008 4:16:38 PM
Author: baby monster

Date: 4/26/2008 5:26:27 AM

Author: LaraOnline


The woman gets sick of picking up his underpants; the man wants to keep playing nintendo and avoiding marriage for as long as possible.

I haven''t met any wife who likes to do that either

.


I see no downsides to living together. It''s the only way to figure out if the other person is normal or insane and if insane, can you live with that particular type of insanity.

i have to say that FI and i don''t live together but i know his idiosyncrasies and such just as well as i would if we were living together. i know he leaves soup cans out and takes his socks off and leaves them wherever and i know he hates it when i leave towels on the ground, but will steal my towel every time without fail if i do hang it up and that he gets cranky if he goes too long without relaxing and playing computer games (etc etc). we spend a lot of time together and the majority of the time he spends the nite, but he has a home that is separate from mine. but i still know him extremely well. so living together is definitely not the ONLY way to find out if someone is normal enough to marry.

i have nothing against living together before you''re married, but we are waiting because it''s right for us. like everyone else, it''s a decision that is totally subject to the individual couple''s situation

 

[baby monster]

Date: 4/26/2008 5:54:45 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 4/26/2008 4:16:38 PM
Author: baby monster

Date: 4/26/2008 5:26:27 AM

Author: LaraOnline


The woman gets sick of picking up his underpants; the man wants to keep playing nintendo and avoiding marriage for as long as possible.

I haven't met any wife who likes to do that either

.


I see no downsides to living together. It's the only way to figure out if the other person is normal or insane and if insane, can you live with that particular type of insanity.

i have to say that FI and i don't live together but i know his idiosyncrasies and such just as well as i would if we were living together. i know he leaves soup cans out and takes his socks off and leaves them wherever and i know he hates it when i leave towels on the ground, but will steal my towel every time without fail if i do hang it up and that he gets cranky if he goes too long without relaxing and playing computer games (etc etc). we spend a lot of time together and the majority of the time he spends the nite, but he has a home that is separate from mine. but i still know him extremely well. so living together is definitely not the ONLY way to find out if someone is normal enough to marry.

i have nothing against living together before you're married, but we are waiting because it's right for us. like everyone else, it's a decision that is totally subject to the individual couple's situation

You have a separate space where you can take a mental and physical breather from all the things you may not like about your FI. It's very hard to know if you can take the insanity 24/7 until both of you give up that extra safety net.
I remember the first serious argument after moving together into a small apt - no place to run and regroup! really showed me whether we had a future.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 4/26/2008 6:21:19 PM
Author: baby monster

Date: 4/26/2008 5:54:45 PM

Author: mimzy

Date: 4/26/2008 4:16:38 PM

Author: baby monster

Date: 4/26/2008 5:26:27 AM


Author: LaraOnline



The woman gets sick of picking up his underpants; the man wants to keep playing nintendo and avoiding marriage for as long as possible.

I haven''t met any wife who likes to do that either

.



I see no downsides to living together. It''s the only way to figure out if the other person is normal or insane and if insane, can you live with that particular type of insanity.

i have to say that FI and i don''t live together but i know his idiosyncrasies and such just as well as i would if we were living together. i know he leaves soup cans out and takes his socks off and leaves them wherever and i know he hates it when i leave towels on the ground, but will steal my towel every time without fail if i do hang it up and that he gets cranky if he goes too long without relaxing and playing computer games (etc etc). we spend a lot of time together and the majority of the time he spends the nite, but he has a home that is separate from mine. but i still know him extremely well. so living together is definitely not the ONLY way to find out if someone is normal enough to marry.


i have nothing against living together before you''re married, but we are waiting because it''s right for us. like everyone else, it''s a decision that is totally subject to the individual couple''s situation

You have a separate space where you can take a mental and physical breather from all the things you may not like about your FI. It''s very hard to know if you can take the insanity 24/7 until both of you give up that extra safety net.

I remember the first serious argument after moving together into a small apt - no place to run and regroup! really showed me whether we had a future.

i totally get what you are saying and i agree that is a big part of learning to live together. my FI and i have an agreement that if we get into a fight that he doesn''t leave until it is resolved, and while it isn''t always the most comfortable arrangement, it''s been good for us, and i can totally see how it would be a big adjustment if we didn''t have that agreement.

i''m not arguing that you''ll find out EVERYTHING about your potential husband without living with him, but enough that it would qualify you to make an informed decision, that''s all

 

[anniee19]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year and a half, with hardly any problems, and nothing that could have been made different had we lived seperate. I think the most important thing is to be absolute sure both people have the same expectations and goals for the future. After about a year of dating, we knew we wanted to get married and spend our lives together in the future and we both knew eachothers views on timelines.
Right out of highschool, I moved in with my now exboyfriend. What a mistake! There are definitly ways to go about it, and we didn''t. We never talked about getting married, what we expected to get out of it, etc. and it was a disaster from the start. I moved out after only 3 months and was stuck for another 9 in a lease for a place I didn''t live.
I guess what I''m saying is, that the most important thing for me was to already have a very clear picture for the future of our relationship, and right now things couldn''t be better! I love living with my boyfriend, coming home from work to eachother and building our household together.

 

[baby monster]

Date: 4/26/2008 8:01:15 PM
Author: mimzy


i totally get what you are saying and i agree that is a big part of learning to live together. my FI and i have an agreement that if we get into a fight that he doesn''t leave until it is resolved, and while it isn''t always the most comfortable arrangement, it''s been good for us, and i can totally see how it would be a big adjustment if we didn''t have that agreement.

i''m not arguing that you''ll find out EVERYTHING about your potential husband without living with him, but enough that it would qualify you to make an informed decision, that''s all

I''m probably beating a dead horse here since you''re not arguing with me

, being optimistic about the future is great

but I can sincerely say that I thought I knew what I was getting into (we lived together part-time before fully moving in) but I had no idea! LOL

 

[LaraOnline]

I just had an interesting thought.
In a way, no-one, no matter how long they have been living with their partner, really knows their partner inside and out. They are not like a book, there is no beginning and no end.
Even people who have been married a long time may continue to be surprised by the changing personality of their beloved.
Aging, children, all the pressures of life are also constantly changing, working their magic on each and every one of us.

There is no ''guarantee'' that any relationship will not go suddenly crazy. I know one woman whose husband suddenly started spending thousands upon thousands on a credit card, started propositioning her children''s male friends and then announced he was gay and skulked off to live in a flat! (okay, so that was a wierd one)
Everyone is so gunshy of marriage because of divorce rates, but the fact is that living together, even just being together sexually is really actually the nuts and bolts of marriage, and can feel a lot like marriage...
And breaking up hurts ... probably like the emotional side of the break up of a marriage?
Anyway, end of philosophy rave...

 

[absolut_blonde]

I always devour these threads as I''m currently mulling this over as well.

On the one hand, I''ve always wanted to be engaged before living together with someone. Always. It''s almost hard to explain, it''s just been a part of my value set for so long that I tend to think of it as a given. Although I could forsee doing so in the right circumstances, I have specifically never wanted to live with someone indefinitely -- with no commitment in sight. I''m very averse to the idea of being common-law indefinitely. This was only further reinforced by some of the experiences of people I know.

Now that I''m with SO, I find myself at a loss. His values about this are different and he wants to live together for awhile first. Being the guy, I think it''s even easier for him to be more casual about the whole thing because the proposal is in his hands. In his mind, he knows he''s going to propose and he doesn''t quite understand why that isn''t good enough. We''re also long distance so living together in general necessitates a lot of commitment.

I find myself a bit... stuck. I know he is the one I want to marry. We just don''t see eye-to-eye on this. I do not want to lose an otherwise fantastic relationship with an amazing person because of this one thing. Ideally, I''d like to work out a compromise but you walk a fine line in that case and risk ending up in a situation you aren''t truly ok with.

 

[bobbin]

My BF and I have been living together for 1.5 years and were dating for a year before that. I now feel ready to get engaged but although we have talked about marriage, we both want to get married etc, I don''t believe he will propose to me for at least another year or so. I think that the fact that we are living together and he knows that I will say yes whenever he asks me (and that I will wait for him to be ready) is delaying him. In short, by moving in with him I have given him everything that he wants from this relationship (except children) without him having to go through the scary legal commitment of marriage.

However, I would not wish to marry him before we had lived together as I am a firm believer of living together to determine compatability. So seems like I lose either way...

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/26/2008 8:01:15 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 4/26/2008 6:21:19 PM

Author: baby monster

Date: 4/26/2008 5:54:45 PM


Author: mimzy

Date: 4/26/2008 4:16:38 PM


Author: baby monster

Date: 4/26/2008 5:26:27 AM



Author: LaraOnline




The woman gets sick of picking up his underpants; the man wants to keep playing nintendo and avoiding marriage for as long as possible.

I haven''t met any wife who likes to do that either

.




I see no downsides to living together. It''s the only way to figure out if the other person is normal or insane and if insane, can you live with that particular type of insanity.

i have to say that FI and i don''t live together but i know his idiosyncrasies and such just as well as i would if we were living together. i know he leaves soup cans out and takes his socks off and leaves them wherever and i know he hates it when i leave towels on the ground, but will steal my towel every time without fail if i do hang it up and that he gets cranky if he goes too long without relaxing and playing computer games (etc etc). we spend a lot of time together and the majority of the time he spends the nite, but he has a home that is separate from mine. but i still know him extremely well. so living together is definitely not the ONLY way to find out if someone is normal enough to marry.



i have nothing against living together before you''re married, but we are waiting because it''s right for us. like everyone else, it''s a decision that is totally subject to the individual couple''s situation

You have a separate space where you can take a mental and physical breather from all the things you may not like about your FI. It''s very hard to know if you can take the insanity 24/7 until both of you give up that extra safety net.


I remember the first serious argument after moving together into a small apt - no place to run and regroup! really showed me whether we had a future.

i totally get what you are saying and i agree that is a big part of learning to live together. my FI and i have an agreement that if we get into a fight that he doesn''t leave until it is resolved, and while it isn''t always the most comfortable arrangement, it''s been good for us, and i can totally see how it would be a big adjustment if we didn''t have that agreement.


i''m not arguing that you''ll find out EVERYTHING about your potential husband without living with him, but enough that it would qualify you to make an informed decision, that''s all

I understand what you''re saying Mimzy.

Since I moved in with FI nothing''s changed. I get to see him every day as a opposed to every weekend, that''d be about it. But since I still technically live at home (I''m at college right now) I''m in some in-between stage of living with him, but not actually living with him 100% of the time. I still go home for holidays and I''ll be home for a bit of the summer. Not to mention since it''s a college student apartment community it''s 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. So that means we both clearly have our own space. However! I do think it''d be a bit of a shock if we were in a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom because of sharing the bathroom. I guess my pink hello kitty bathroom would have to go!

I do understand what you are saying though because like I said nothing changed. We haven''t had any arguments about it aside from me complaining about his bathroom being disgusting and making him wash his towels more than he would like. Oh and him picking up receipts, helllooo they need to be shredded or something. His bad habits (e.g. not picking up receipts) I knew about ahead of time just from seeing his dorm room when he was in college! What a disaster area. One of his suitemates used to clean my FI''s room because he got so annoyed with the papers everywhere and stuff. He lived like a mad scientist or something while in college. Ahh crap who am I to talk my books and essays are EVERYWHERE right now. Anyway! I think the biggest change is I just see him more. Which is great, of course.