Moving In together- Opinons?

[Bia]

HAHAHA...I love this topic. I think it is so funny how we can agree, disagree and agree to disagree...

What I know about living together is that, in my case, it is THE HARDEST thing I have ever done--and at 26, I have done some stuff. When you have to compromise in ways you never thought you might, it makes you realize just how much you're willing to put up with to be with someone you love. You just can't understand these situations outside of living together or marriage. I may be wrong but I honestly cannot think of situations likes these arising simply by spending weekends together or the weekly sleepovers.

When you live together, pretenses go out the window. On his end, socks get left everywhere, computer is always on...he is ADD so he gets up in the middle of dinner to grab his guitar...I know him and know that a real part of him can't stay put for too long but its still infuriating! And girls, this is the easy stuff...its the other things that make it difficult. And I do my share, of that I am certain b/c he has plenty of complaints when we fight.

Unless you are SUPER compatible with your SO, and you almost never fight, then moving in might not make all that much of a difference. BUT I will say this, when you are fighting and you don't have your own place to go to (the place where you say "I'M LEAVING!!!" and then slam the door in a dramatic fashion), you have to learn how to fight or at least how to not kill one another--OR THROW THINGS OUT THE WINDOW. Yes, I have stooped this low and I chalk it up to my inner Latina demon who DEFINITELY comes out when pushed too far!!!

Of course, not every relationship is like mine. Many are very calm and always agreeable. Me and BF? We are completely different and although the love, affection, friendship and much more is bountiful, it can be very rocky too.

Just my two cents. One more thing: If you are a woman that is waiting for an engagement and that is why you want to move in together, know that it shouldn't be used as a motive for hurrying things along. It won't work! Most men won't mind having a woman in their home, because a female presence can make a home feel more "homey." However, if that man is not ready, no amount of playing housewife will make him so. He has to want it, and you have to be clear that he won't get the proverbial cow for free.

 

[Erin]

Date: 4/25/2008 10:23:30 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles
be careful. i lived with my ex SO now for 2 years and now that we are broken up everything is so complicated and such a pain in the a$$. next relationship i will not be moving in unless i have a ring on my finger, no doubts about it.

Ditto

 

[sklingem]

- The ring on your finger does not make a relationship - and does not make living together easier
- If you think you can get to know your SO well enough without living together you can (a) not move in and wait for a ring if
that is important to you or (b) move in an enjoy life together - why wait??
- Some people may argue that if you have not lived together with a person (meaning with no escape) you just don''t know what
it is going to be like once you are engaged/married. I personally agree with this take on things.
- There are ALWAYS risks and if you don''t try, it is never going to work out. Should you minimize the risk? Yes. At what time?
Before you move in? Before you get engaged? Before you get married? Well, that is a personal decision. The point is that
you may get hurt - but protecting yourself too much will NOT be condicive to building a relationship.

 

[ladypirate]

I love living with Kris--I know that a proposal is coming eventually, but in the meantime, this is wonderful. I would really miss coming home to him every day if we didn''t live together.

That said, it''s certainly not for everyone. It''s a really personal thing and everyone has to decide what is right for them.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 4/28/2008 6:17:09 PM
Author: rob09
- The ring on your finger does not make a relationship - and does not make living together easier

My boyfriend thinks like this. He "just doesn''t understand."

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Date: 4/28/2008 7:42:12 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 4/28/2008 6:17:09 PM

Author: rob09

- The ring on your finger does not make a relationship - and does not make living together easier

My boyfriend thinks like this. He ''just doesn''t understand.''

Actually, I really agree with Rob09''s statement about how a ring cannot make your relationship. And how much of a promise is it? Because if it gets broken, you do return the ring (at least according to most state laws).

So let''s say he buys you this ring, proposes, you live together and hate it, break things off. ... Isn''t it even messier?

Like everyone has said before: to each their own. We all have our ideas on how things should be done and how they will be done for ourselves. And I think that''s wonderful.

To me, ring or no ring, at the end of the day: it''s just us two. If it doesn''t work out, to me, it''d just be emotionally harder to end the arrangement, having to tell everyone the wedding is off. I don''t want that weighing on my shoulders, when I should only be thinking about him and me.

 

[Babyblue033]

I personally wouldn''t think just because I have the ring on my finger moving in together is somehow "less risky" than if I didn''t. We''ve lived together for over 4 years and I don''t have the ring yet but we''ve been making commitments through other small ways; when we bought the first furniture together, when we adopted our first cats together (plus 3 others in the next 4 years), etc. I''m quite sure it would be much more difficult, and emotional, to "divide up" our cats than for me to take off my ring and walk out the door

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/28/2008 6:17:09 PM
Author: rob09
- The ring on your finger does not make a relationship - and does not make living together easier

- If you think you can get to know your SO well enough without living together you can (a) not move in and wait for a ring if

that is important to you or (b) move in an enjoy life together - why wait??

- Some people may argue that if you have not lived together with a person (meaning with no escape) you just don''t know what

it is going to be like once you are engaged/married. I personally agree with this take on things.

- There are ALWAYS risks and if you don''t try, it is never going to work out. Should you minimize the risk? Yes. At what time?

Before you move in? Before you get engaged? Before you get married? Well, that is a personal decision. The point is that

you may get hurt - but protecting yourself too much will NOT be condicive to building a relationship.

In a live in relationship, everything''s always great until the penny finally drops that he doesn''t want to marry you any more ... if he ever did.
Then it''s just disillusionment and ... a kind of empty feeling
In my experience, the guys who put up lots of ''you don''t need this'' and ''you don''t need that'' in relationship are generally more commitment phobic, and probably make you pay dutch, as well

Yes, unfortunately, you being perfect does not convince them, perhaps it encourages them that there''s more where that came from. Sorry to sound cynical...I didn''t start out that way (I don''t think)

 

[sunnyd]

I think the difference between living together with a ring and just living together without having talked about ''where is this going'' is that with a ring, you have *hopefully* done whatever you need to do be ready to be married. So that someone leavng socks on the floor won''t be the last straw in the relationship. You work together to fix things that bother you.

Simply, you''re more in it to win it than you would be if you were just living together to live together.

Did that make any sense?! It''s been a weird day, and SO is on his way to Minnasota for 4 days!

I''ll be all alone!

 

[sklingem]

"I think the difference between living together with a ring and just living together without having talked about ''where is this going'' is that with a ring, you have *hopefully* done whatever you need to do be ready to be married. So that someone leavng socks on the floor won''t be the last straw in the relationship. You work together to fix things that bother you. Simply, you''re more in it to win it than you would be if you were just living together to live together"

Well - I have to disagree. If "the ring" is the only thing that keeps you from leaving or makes working out problems more likely, then there is something fundamentally wrong. It is like saying that you''d better get married because afterwards you have more to lose by getting a divorce. These symbols do not and should not make a relationship. I would not want my FI to stay with me just because he put a ring on my finger if he is miserable and does not love me.
Does being engaged make it more likely that living together may work out (scenario "A")? If the enagagement is a sign of trust, commitment and love, then it may well make it easier. The point is that I would want to live with someone before I put any ring on their finger (scenario "B"). In that case it REALLY is more likely to work out (and I think even more than in scenario "A"), because you have ALREADY taken care of any "living together" Angst/concerns.
But if you really think that you can somehow protect your feelings in a better way by not living together before getting engaged AND think that your chances are better after getting the ring, then that''s the way you should do it.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 4/29/2008 6:18:13 PM
Author: rob09
''I think the difference between living together with a ring and just living together without having talked about ''where is this going'' is that with a ring, you have *hopefully* done whatever you need to do be ready to be married. So that someone leavng socks on the floor won''t be the last straw in the relationship. You work together to fix things that bother you. Simply, you''re more in it to win it than you would be if you were just living together to live together''

Well - I have to disagree. If ''the ring'' is the only thing that keeps you from leaving or makes working out problems more likely, then there is something fundamentally wrong. It is like saying that you''d better get married because afterwards you have more to lose by getting a divorce. These symbols do not and should not make a relationship. I would not want my FI to stay with me just because he put a ring on my finger if he is miserable and does not love me.
Does being engaged make it more likely that living together may work out (scenario ''A'')? If the enagagement is a sign of trust, commitment and love, then it may well make it easier. The point is that I would want to live with someone before I put any ring on their finger (scenario ''B''). In that case it REALLY is more likely to work out (and I think even more than in scenario ''A''), because you have ALREADY taken care of any ''living together'' Angst/concerns.
But if you really think that you can somehow protect your feelings in a better way by not living together before getting engaged AND think that your chances are better after getting the ring, then that''s the way you should do it.

All I''m saying is that if you''re committed to an engagement, you''re committed to making it work. And you probably won''t bum out because someone leaves their towel on the floor everyday.

Not living togther doesn''t mean that you only meet up for dates, right? You see how the other person lives when you go to their place! I don''t think it''s soooo complicated to live with someone you want to marry, because you should know them pretty darn well anyway...

But all that said, I do live with my BF, and we wouldn''t have it any other way. But there''s no rule that says people should live together prior to marriage.

 

[LaraOnline]

Here''s an interesting article, girls
http://www.humaneed.com.au/articlescommittment.asp

 

[LaraOnline]

Actually, here is a link that might be more helpful...it is an indepth discussion , but unfortunately it is sceptical of co-habitation. It does provide some parameters for it though...don't know the source, unfortunately (eg funded by a christian church or a secular uni etc)...it is a scholarly researched article

http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SWLT2%20TEXT.htm

ETA: it does have some points that will not apply to everyone, such as moving in with a step-father figure etc

 

[claireabelle]

IMO, living together first is a great idea. I''ve lived with my BF for over 5 years, I am so completely confident about our relationship. We know each other inside out and live together comfortably and happily with everything laid out on the table.

When some people don''t live together before they are engaged/married, I feel as though there is the possibility to TRAP yourself or your partner into an obligation - almost like ''We''re engaged so this MUST work. they''ve promised to stay and marry me..." I can imagine it would cause a lot of pressure in some instances.

However, I do appreciate that some look forward to a ''new step'' in their relationship and I completely respect this. It would be very exciting to move in with your partner after getting engaged!

I guess it''s a really personal matter and everyone should do what they are comfortable with.

 

[sklingem]

Re: the article link: Popenoe is well-known in the field of social science research as someone who is a fierce advocate of traditional marriage. His work is controversial among scientists.

 

[Pandora II]

I lived with 3 ex-bfs who I had no intention of marrying - but they were fun for then. In the end they all proposed and I had to leave because I didn''t want to marry them. We didn''t own the houses so it was all pretty simple and very amicable in two cases - not so great the first time round.

I did say I wouldn''t live with anyone again until we had been dating at least a year - and then I met FI and moved in after 3 months

He made it very clear right from the beginning that I was the ONE for him so I didn''t have an issue about commitment. We did have a few hiccups over him not believing in marriage - nothing to do with me, but because of his parents. I think living with me showed him that we had such a good relationship that we were unlikely to end up in his parents position, I also made it very clear that I wouldn''t be happy to have children outside marriage and I would eventually feel unhappy not being married. Once he was clear on that he moved pretty fast (it took him 6 months to plan the proposal which times it back to the week that I told him that!).

He gave me half his house after we had been together for a year which is a pretty huge commitment.

We''ve now been living together for 3.5 years and it has been a piece of cake to be honest.

I can understand how some people will find it more exciting setting up house together after marriage, but I get the best of both worlds.

I know exactly who I am marrying in every way, we know each others strengths - he''s the finance whizz and I''m the planner, and weaknesses - I''m a procrastinator and he manages to drench the entire bathroom having a shower.

We''re also looking for a new house - which should hopefully mean that we move a few weeks after the wedding. It will be the first house we have chosen together which is very exciting, we know exactly what and where we want to buy so all our registry is based on new things for the new house.

There is also the situation that at 36 I need to get cracking on the baby side. Having lived together for so long, we don''t feel we need the years of freedom after marriage before having a family, so we are going to start TTC after the wedding.


Other than my sister (who has the marriage from hell) I don''t know anyone who doesn''t live together. That probably has something to with all being in our 30''s and living in London where housing costs are $$$$$$$$$.

Personally I couldn''t marry anyone who I hadn''t lived with, and my parents would be VERY unhappy if I hadn''t. They wanted my sister to live with her husband for at least a year before they got engaged. If they had, they wouldn''t be married and they''d both probably be much happier.

However, if it''s not for you then that''s fine. I don''t believe either way is better than the other necessarily - except where people get married because it''s less hassle and they''re used to each other. You need to be clear what you want before you move in - and never move in because you think it will man a man who''s stalling more likely to propose, it won''t!