MSN Article - He''s not ready, she is

[Erin]

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=5873&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6&GT1=7778

Ask Margot: On Love & Faith
By Margot Carmichael Lester
Dear Margot,
I''ve been dating a nice woman for about a year, and she''s pressuring me to get married. She says it''s the right thing to do for two church-going people like us. But I''m not sure I''m ready for that yet. And her pressure isn''t helping. It''s not that I don''t think she''s great. She is. But I''m just not sure that I want all the stuff that comes with being married. A house, a kid, dueling families. How can I talk to her about this?
-Hedging in Houston

I hate these articles. This one was a quick fix. The problem is, he hasn''t made up his mind if the institution of marriage is for him. AND they''ve only been dating a year so they have things to talk about yet anyway. I always get a little excited that one of these articles may show some insight into the male phenomenon of feet dragging, but instead it''s always some obvious situation like the one above.

What do you think about this article?

 

[Cailet]

I always hate these articles.
1. you only get the one person''s perceptions of the situation
2. the folks that write in so often use the vaguest terminlogy possible. In this one -- she''s "pressuring" him. What is that exactly? Bothering him once a month, once a week, once a day or more that they need to get married? Is it her simply mentioning it in passing one day? Girls aren''t the only ones that read crazy meaning into things! LOL

So then the advise always has to be so broad - in order to cover all options that COULD be going on. I mean it doesn''t even say what age they are! Have they been dating for a year in high school - in college - after college? That makes a big difference. From his writing I would assume at least college age but you never know....


After reading the article - the first thing that popped into my mind was "he''s just not that into you". Is that horribly mean?

 

[anchor31]

Meh, I don''t those article either. As Cailet said, it''s only one perspective and we never get enough info for a fair judgement. In this case, the guy doesn''t even know if he wants to get married at all, and it might be a lost cause. But I did like this part of the answer:

I have to tell you, about half the guys I talk to feel as if they’re being pressured into marriage. But in reality, many are putting the pressure on themselves. They feel it from parents, society, etc.

I completely agree with this. It''s important to communicate with our partner what we want out of life, right? But if women say they want to get married one day, a lot of men will get defensive and say "Stop pressuring me!" It talking about our ambitions really pressure? I don''t think so. I think it''s sucks that marriage is such a taboo with some men, and I don''t really understand why. I certainly am relieved that my SO and I are now talking about it very openly.

 

[ilovesparkles]

I read this article and came dashing to PS to post it lol! You beat me to it Starset! I didn''t think this article had very much info either. I have seen much more severe cases right here in the forum with ladies having bigger and more instense difficulties with their men!

 

[Mara]

Actually that''s interesting because that was something that Greg had mentioned to me, way back when we were talking about potential marriage...he was saying something about not wanting to jump into marriage and ending up with kids and a house and lots of things to tie you down. I was floored! I said what did you think we were going to get married and start birthing babies the minute the wedding day is over?

It seems really ridiculous to me that he thought that way. An educated, intelligent, sweet man and he had this total misconception about marriage! That you just jump in and start having kids, buying houses, tying yourself down, things change and not for the better. Well we do own a house now but we both decided to do that even before marriage and no kids on the horizon for at least a few years.

After I pointed out to him that his logic seemed faulty, he was actually like OH well hmm maybe you make some sense!

So I guess now I wonder, do alot of guys think like this??? That marriage is all about having kids, dueling families, all your money being gone, being tied down? Interesting.

 

[Erin]

Mara, don''t forget to add a wife who is no longer interested in bedroom activities. After that blissful honeymoon night, BAM! the libido starts a downward trend

 

[Erin]

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2560

This article is a little better.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 2/21/2006 8:33:59 PM
Author: Mara
Actually that''s interesting because that was something that Greg had mentioned to me, way back when we were talking about potential marriage...he was saying something about not wanting to jump into marriage and ending up with kids and a house and lots of things to tie you down. I was floored! I said what did you think we were going to get married and start birthing babies the minute the wedding day is over?

It seems really ridiculous to me that he thought that way. An educated, intelligent, sweet man and he had this total misconception about marriage! That you just jump in and start having kids, buying houses, tying yourself down, things change and not for the better. Well we do own a house now but we both decided to do that even before marriage and no kids on the horizon for at least a few years.

After I pointed out to him that his logic seemed faulty, he was actually like OH well hmm maybe you make some sense!

So I guess now I wonder, do alot of guys think like this??? That marriage is all about having kids, dueling families, all your money being gone, being tied down? Interesting.

I think many guys think this way because it''s what they see happen to others around them.

With folks marrying later in life, it''s not unusual to see friends get married and immediately begin a family, etc. When everyone around you is doing that, it''s not unrealistic to think that your FI might have similar expectations.

Good that you both talked it out.