My earlier thread

[vintagecushion]

Oh dear...I''m sorry about what happened, with your BIL and then with your husband. However, if he is sympathetic to his brother, would adopting the strategy of trying to convince him (husband) that your setting boundaries is in his brother''s best interest in the long run?

After all, someone who is not in the immediate family may see these boundaries a little more objectively, no?

 

[:)]

Gosh I feel bad for both you and your hubby - I hope it works out. I know it has to be hard for him to say no to his parents, and probably is equally as hard for you to watch him hurt when he does that. Maybe his brother will decide to move to LA instead (and no he may NOT sleep at my house if he does!!!)

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Oh Harriet, I am so sorry to hear about your BIL issues.

First of all, good for you for standing up for yourself and putting your foot down. Your home is your haven, you work very hard to live there--and having someone feel "entitled" to your space simply because he's a realitive is absurd.

If you're anything like me, then you probably cherish your privacy. I love to come home after a long day at work, walk into my calm house and be able to decompress. However, when I have a house full of people (an additional person fills the house up, IMO) I feel like I have to "entertain" that person because they are a "guest" in your home. Now, I don't mind that feeling for a weekend here and there, and most of the time I relish company and house guests, but long term would be murder/suicide.

Frankly, a 30 year old man should be able to fend for himself. If he's considering this move on a trial basis, then perhaps he could find an Extended Stay hotel or budget-friendly motel until he decides what his future holds for him. But you're not running a B&B, do you're not accepting guests. Of course you can offer to "look out" for him--cook a hot meal now and then...but just because you live in the same city as a family member doesn't automatically make you the Plaza Hotel...you still have to maintain your boundries and set your limitations.

Back when my DH and I were engaged and living together, my BIL & SIL bounced the idea around of sending my SIL daugher to Chicago to look for work as an architect...mind you, she's my age. BIL asked my DH (Fi at the time) if she agreed to the move, would she be able to live with him while she "settled in". Of course, they mentioned the fact that I lived there, or that this was our home they were talking about... My DH said he didn't think that was a good idea because we were transitioning our lives during this time as well. P.S: She never ended up moving to Chicago, she met a guy in NY and just stayed there. But, I was proud that my DH for putting his foot down...now, of course there are variables in the above story...such as this is my DH step-niece, and what not.

I would hold firm on this matter...because once you bend, you have to be prepared to continue to bend...you'll be setting a tone for your relationship from this point forward...unfortunately, people often take full advantage when they can...

 

[Miranda]

Oh Harriet! ((Big hugs)) to you and your hubby! I know how difficult this is for both of you. In-laws (or outlaws) can be the WORST! My outlaws have been completely out of control lately! They have done some truly terrible things the past few months. My best and ONLY advice to you is to try to find a way to work together with your hubby in a way that makes both of you feel supported. I wish I could tell you how because some of the ugliest fights DH and I have had have been because of his parents. We are working on ways to deal with them and communicate with each other in a non destructive manner.

I do have to wonder why in-laws do rotten things. Do they really think it will get them ahead? Or get them their way? It usually doesn''t work in their favor. If it does, it comes with a tremendous amount of resentment. In my situation, for example, their nasty behavior is making us reconsider how involved we want them to be with our children. It''s rather unfortunate. Very smart in-laws do not strong arm or manipulate.

 

[tlh]

A coo-coo clock! That is awesome... so everynight at midnight and everyday at noon you''re thinking of your sweet BIL!

I can just picture this.... It''d be funny if he stayed at your place and was sleeping in... and going "what''s with all the racket, I can''t sleep!"

Of course I am projecting a little of my BIL on your BIL... but it made me laugh all the same.

Hope this is working out for you! HUGS!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/20/2009 10:59:49 PM
Author: vintagecushion
Oh dear...I''m sorry about what happened, with your BIL and then with your husband. However, if he is sympathetic to his brother, would adopting the strategy of trying to convince him (husband) that your setting boundaries is in his brother''s best interest in the long run?

After all, someone who is not in the immediate family may see these boundaries a little more objectively, no?

Tried and failed.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/21/2009 12:42:35 AM
Author:
Gosh I feel bad for both you and your hubby - I hope it works out. I know it has to be hard for him to say no to his parents, and probably is equally as hard for you to watch him hurt when he does that. Maybe his brother will decide to move to LA instead (and no he may NOT sleep at my house if he does!!!)

Haha. My friend suggested that I tell BIL that sharing an apartment with other starving artistes is a rite of passage.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/21/2009 10:26:40 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Oh Harriet, I am so sorry to hear about your BIL issues.

First of all, good for you for standing up for yourself and putting your foot down. Your home is your haven, you work very hard to live there--and having someone feel ''entitled'' to your space simply because he''s a realitive is absurd.

If you''re anything like me, then you probably cherish your privacy. I love to come home after a long day at work, walk into my calm house and be able to decompress. However, when I have a house full of people (an additional person fills the house up, IMO) I feel like I have to ''entertain'' that person because they are a ''guest'' in your home. Now, I don''t mind that feeling for a weekend here and there, and most of the time I relish company and house guests, but long term would be murder/suicide.

Frankly, a 30 year old man should be able to fend for himself. If he''s considering this move on a trial basis, then perhaps he could find an Extended Stay hotel or budget-friendly motel until he decides what his future holds for him. But you''re not running a B&B, do you''re not accepting guests. Of course you can offer to ''look out'' for him--cook a hot meal now and then...but just because you live in the same city as a family member doesn''t automatically make you the Plaza Hotel...you still have to maintain your boundries and set your limitations.

Back when my DH and I were engaged and living together, my BIL & SIL bounced the idea around of sending my SIL daugher to Chicago to look for work as an architect...mind you, she''s my age. BIL asked my DH (Fi at the time) if she agreed to the move, would she be able to live with him while she ''settled in''. Of course, they mentioned the fact that I lived there, or that this was our home they were talking about... My DH said he didn''t think that was a good idea because we were transitioning our lives during this time as well. P.S: She never ended up moving to Chicago, she met a guy in NY and just stayed there. But, I was proud that my DH for putting his foot down...now, of course there are variables in the above story...such as this is my DH step-niece, and what not.

I would hold firm on this matter...because once you bend, you have to be prepared to continue to bend...you''ll be setting a tone for your relationship from this point forward...unfortunately, people often take full advantage when they can...

I hope my story ends as happily as yours.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/21/2009 4:08:22 PM
Author: tlh
A coo-coo clock! That is awesome... so everynight at midnight and everyday at noon you''re thinking of your sweet BIL!

I can just picture this.... It''d be funny if he stayed at your place and was sleeping in... and going ''what''s with all the racket, I can''t sleep!''

Of course I am projecting a little of my BIL on your BIL... but it made me laugh all the same.

Hope this is working out for you! HUGS!

Thanks. Thank goodness DH has packed away the clock.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/21/2009 3:42:19 PM
Author: Miranda
Oh Harriet! ((Big hugs)) to you and your hubby! I know how difficult this is for both of you. In-laws (or outlaws) can be the WORST! My outlaws have been completely out of control lately! They have done some truly terrible things the past few months. My best and ONLY advice to you is to try to find a way to work together with your hubby in a way that makes both of you feel supported. I wish I could tell you how because some of the ugliest fights DH and I have had have been because of his parents. We are working on ways to deal with them and communicate with each other in a non destructive manner.

I do have to wonder why in-laws do rotten things. Do they really think it will get them ahead? Or get them their way? It usually doesn''t work in their favor. If it does, it comes with a tremendous amount of resentment. In my situation, for example, their nasty behavior is making us reconsider how involved we want them to be with our children. It''s rather unfortunate. Very smart in-laws do not strong arm or manipulate.

Sorry to hear that you''re having a rough time with yours too. Yup, our biggest fights have all been about the outlaws.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 1/21/2009 10:59:05 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/21/2009 3:42:19 PM
Author: Miranda
Oh Harriet! ((Big hugs)) to you and your hubby! I know how difficult this is for both of you. In-laws (or outlaws) can be the WORST! My outlaws have been completely out of control lately! They have done some truly terrible things the past few months. My best and ONLY advice to you is to try to find a way to work together with your hubby in a way that makes both of you feel supported. I wish I could tell you how because some of the ugliest fights DH and I have had have been because of his parents. We are working on ways to deal with them and communicate with each other in a non destructive manner.

I do have to wonder why in-laws do rotten things. Do they really think it will get them ahead? Or get them their way? It usually doesn''t work in their favor. If it does, it comes with a tremendous amount of resentment. In my situation, for example, their nasty behavior is making us reconsider how involved we want them to be with our children. It''s rather unfortunate. Very smart in-laws do not strong arm or manipulate.

Sorry to hear that you''re having a rough time with yours too. Yup, our biggest fights have all been about the outlaws.

Rough is putting it mildly! I''m in the process of ordering books on the topic of toxic in laws right now. MZ recommended them in another thread a time back. It''s worth a shot.

 

[Harriet]

Maybe I should read it. Or, you can summarise it for us.

 

[Miranda]

I have 4 books to read! Then I''ll give you a full report! I really hope my hubby will at least read the toxic parents book! I think it would help him. I know he feels torn between me (the right way

) and his parents'' manipulation

. Your darling probably feels the same way. Men are just wired to be pleasers. When they can''t please all they short circuit. Did you ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

 

[platinumrock]

Just wanted to see how you and your husband are doing. I hope better!

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 1/21/2009 11:46:57 PM
Author: Miranda
I have 4 books to read! Then I'll give you a full report! I really hope my hubby will at least read the toxic parents book! I think it would help him. I know he feels torn between me (the right way

) and his parents' manipulation

. Your darling probably feels the same way. Men are just wired to be pleasers. When they can't please all they short circuit. Did you ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

it took reading the books for my hubby to realize the manipulation and he definitely felt very torn also. his stepsister recommended them to us! she recognized the manipulation and had for years..........

movie zombie

eta: a simple report isn't sufficient: its important to read them for yourself. btw, i really like the starving artist sharing space with other starving artists idea! however, no means no and that means you don't have to help him find an alternative place to stay.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/21/2009 11:46:57 PM
Author: Miranda
I have 4 books to read! Then I''ll give you a full report! I really hope my hubby will at least read the toxic parents book! I think it would help him. I know he feels torn between me (the right way

) and his parents'' manipulation

. Your darling probably feels the same way. Men are just wired to be pleasers. When they can''t please all they short circuit. Did you ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

No. Should I?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/22/2009 1:12:56 AM
Author: platinumrock
Just wanted to see how you and your husband are doing. I hope better!

Hey, we''re doing better. Thanks for checking in.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/22/2009 1:20:48 AM
Author: movie zombie

Date: 1/21/2009 11:46:57 PM
Author: Miranda
I have 4 books to read! Then I''ll give you a full report! I really hope my hubby will at least read the toxic parents book! I think it would help him. I know he feels torn between me (the right way

) and his parents'' manipulation

. Your darling probably feels the same way. Men are just wired to be pleasers. When they can''t please all they short circuit. Did you ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

it took reading the books for my hubby to realize the manipulation and he definitely felt very torn also. his stepsister recommended them to us! she recognized the manipulation and had for years..........

movie zombie

eta: a simple report isn''t sufficient: its important to read them for yourself. btw, i really like the starving artist sharing space with other starving artists idea! however, no means no and that means you don''t have to help him find an alternative place to stay.

I like that suggestion too. How did you get Mr. MZ to read the book?

 

[Miranda]

Date: 1/22/2009 11:55:59 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/21/2009 11:46:57 PM
Author: Miranda
I have 4 books to read! Then I''ll give you a full report! I really hope my hubby will at least read the toxic parents book! I think it would help him. I know he feels torn between me (the right way

) and his parents'' manipulation

. Your darling probably feels the same way. Men are just wired to be pleasers. When they can''t please all they short circuit. Did you ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

No. Should I?

I don''t know. I haven''t read the series of books either. I vaguely remember hearing about them. It addresses the fundamental differences between men and women.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 1/22/2009 11:57:34 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/22/2009 1:20:48 AM
Author: movie zombie

Date: 1/21/2009 11:46:57 PM
Author: Miranda
I have 4 books to read! Then I''ll give you a full report! I really hope my hubby will at least read the toxic parents book! I think it would help him. I know he feels torn between me (the right way

) and his parents'' manipulation

. Your darling probably feels the same way. Men are just wired to be pleasers. When they can''t please all they short circuit. Did you ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

it took reading the books for my hubby to realize the manipulation and he definitely felt very torn also. his stepsister recommended them to us! she recognized the manipulation and had for years..........

movie zombie

eta: a simple report isn''t sufficient: its important to read them for yourself. btw, i really like the starving artist sharing space with other starving artists idea! however, no means no and that means you don''t have to help him find an alternative place to stay.

I like that suggestion too. How did you get Mr. MZ to read the book?

well, it was his step-sister that made the suggestion and mr mz really was trying to understand what was going on and his part in it. it was a confirmation of a reality check with her that cinched it. and then his half brother provided another reality check. further note: we were not yet married at the time but there was a life long commitment understanding between us.

read the other book i recommended for you. it will have suggestions on how to approach mr H. in the long run, this is a situation that can ruin a good marriage. many have approached it that way.

movie zombie

ps mr H may want to read it to learn coping mechanisms so he doesn''t feel guilty, recognize the power plays, and ways of staying strong.

 

[Harriet]

Thanks. I''ll read the book you recommended. I doubt the hubs'' sibling is going to be of much help here.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 1/20/2009 9:30:07 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/19/2009 6:51:22 PM

Author: LtlFirecracker

Hey,


I just saw this (and the earlier thread). Sorry to hear that they are still at it. I would stand firm on this one again, especially since there is no timeline for this ''visit.''

Hey, we''re standing firm. But, the constant battles are taking their toll on me. Maybe I should ask my doctor for a note?

Anytime . I am glad my sister (who also doesn''t make a ton of money), never does this to me. I would take her for a day or two, but I think she would drive me crazy more than that. Plus she has a dog she takes everywhere...I don''t know how my cats would feel about a dog. Keep standing your ground, I know it is hard, but this is a battle worth fighting. The request is unreasonable and giving in would be way to disrupting on your life.

 

[Harriet]

Glad you have a reasonable sister.
P.S. Still no sign of you-know-who.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 1/23/2009 10:41:35 AM
Author: Harriet

Glad you have a reasonable sister.

P.S. Still no sign of you-know-who.

He might not come on here, I have no idea what he is up to. We are kind of 3000 miles apart right now, but I am only out here for 2 more weeks, and he is coming to visit me next week .

 

[Elmorton]

Harriet, I think the clock is a great idea - just in case BIL does try to crash. Hardwire that sucker in your 2nd room!

Really glad to hear things are going better.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/23/2009 5:25:55 PM
Author: LtlFirecracker

Date: 1/23/2009 10:41:35 AM
Author: Harriet

Glad you have a reasonable sister.

P.S. Still no sign of you-know-who.

He might not come on here, I have no idea what he is up to. We are kind of 3000 miles apart right now, but I am only out here for 2 more weeks, and he is coming to visit me next week .

Let me know if you think he''s here.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/23/2009 8:44:27 PM
Author: Elmorton
Harriet, I think the clock is a great idea - just in case BIL does try to crash. Hardwire that sucker in your 2nd room!

Really glad to hear things are going better.

Haha. Thanks.

 

[marcy]

Glad to hear things are better. I like putting the clock in the spare room just in case you do have company. Great idea!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/23/2009 8:56:30 PM
Author: marcyc
Glad to hear things are better. I like putting the clock in the spare room just in case you do have company. Great idea!

Thanks. Get this -- we have a doggie cuckoo clock in the spare bathroom that barks when activated.

 

[Elmorton]

Harriet...you can''t say that kind of thing and then not post a link to where a person could actually buy a doggie cuckoo clock.