My engagement ring upsets me. Please Help

[movie zombie]

as suggested by many this isn't so much about the ring as much as it is about the two of you having made a plan and he changed it w/o your knowledge and at the instigation of his family.

this is the kind of thing that unless settled in such a way as you can live with it, well, it will always be at the back of your mind and it will always be something that gets between the two of you.....and his family. and this won't be the last time it happens.

perhaps tell him you love the family ring as a right hand ring and gift from the family but it does not replace the e-ring the two of you agreed upon and that you've dreamed of since you both went shopping.

if he is adamant and won't budge it would be important to know why. until you know that you won't know what to do. however, you are right: he put his family before your agreed upon plan w/o discussing it with you. again, find out why. if he isn't willing to discuss it perhaps it is time to step back, take a deep breath, and consider the heirloom a promise ring until you receive the agreed upon set.

 

[decodelighted]

Stop wearing it. See what happens. You've had the discussion. He's not taking you seriously. Show you are serious. You can "be engaged" without wearing a particular ring. I'm not saying call off the engagement. Just put your feelings into action as much as he did (by giving you the "family" ring instead of what you selected together.)

I, too, suspect that this is about something deeper. Him joking about "maybe 20 years" makes him seem more like a cheapskate & like you don't "deserve" that ring now. I'd feel awful about THAT.

Sorry this sucks.

 

[movie zombie]

yes, you can be engaged w/o an e-ring......

 

[2Neesers]

First I would like to congratulate you on your engagement!

Reading between the lines, it sound like finances may have had something to do with his ring decision, along with him wanting you to have a family heirloom. You mentioned that he wants to put more money toward purchasing a house with you and his aunt found a heirloom ring she gave to him to give you. I know it wasn't the ring you had your heart set on, but it is really a honor that he wants you to have his great grandmothers ring. His family must love you a lot too for his aunt to want you to have the ring. Is it possible you could love the ring?

Have you taken the ring to a jeweler for a deep cleaning? Since it is a heirloom ring, it may have a pretty solid layer of film that needs to be cleaned off of it. A good cleaning can really freshen up a heirloom ring. You may even have a Old European or Old Miners cut diamond, which are very beautiful and quite on trend right now.

If you do make peace with keeping the heirloom ring, would it make you feel better if you are able to pick out a really special wedding band to go with it? Like others have mentioned, you can always upgrade your ring in the future too. Could you make an agreement with him to keep the heirloom, and get a new ring of your choice 5 years after you purchase a house when you are more settled? I know he joked about 20 years from now, but if you have a serious conversation about it, I would think and hope he would be willing to agree to something sooner that would make you happy. Sorry you are going through this.

 

[lioness]

This is not just about the money or the ring. Otherwise, why did he go through the entire exercise of picking out a ring with you? That was his chance to set a budget and work within its parameters. I don't mean to cast aspersions but I suspect that I'm a quite a bit older than you. I think that you may have been set up. He went through the whole song-and-dance of looking at rings with you but then, surprise! This family ring pops out of nowhere. Really?

Do you know enough about his finances? Do the women in his family work, meaning that they (should) have a strong voice regarding how money is spent? Do you and him communicate about money matters clearly and equally?

I don't like the smell of this at all.

 

[lioness]

To try to make a long story short; my fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. We started engagement ring shopping together in November. Together we picked out the most beautiful ring set and I was in love. I was very conscientious to stay as low as I could and when they gave us the final price of the ring he said "that's fine, it's not that bad". So for 8 months I day dreamed about our ring we picked out. Then I overheard that his aunt had found an heirloom ring to give to him. It was his great grandmothers who neither do us had met.

A little bit of background: we have had numerous discussions over the years how something's should be "just us" and his family shouldn't be involved. We are very close to their family and I love them like my own but they tend to overstep boundaries. My family is a notorious mess so I do appreciate his very much but I appreciate things that are our very own more.

Anyway, I tried to bring up about the ring and how I wanted the one we had selected together because that meant something to me. He didn't budge. I could tell he was set on the new ring. I have tried to love my ring. It is very pretty so it shouldn't be that hard. But I am feeling extremely hurt that his family seemed to have more of a say than i did after we had shopped together. Also, and here is where I feel super shallow and awful, the diamond is not nearly as nice or as large. I'm shocked that he wouldn't just talk to me and see how I felt about an heirloom ring before going through with this.

What is everyone's thoughts? Do I just suck it up and move on/forget about the "dream ring"?

One last thing-the day we picked out the ring, I had offered to him that we could pick out a plain band as an engagement ring together if he didn't want to spend the money. I'm not a very materialistic person and it would have meant a lot to me just the same.

You don't just "find" an heirloom ring. They're not behind the washing machine like lost socks. This is really fishy.

 

[mrs-b]

First of all, thank you all for you advice. I have been feeling so guilty for not loving my ring and being appreciative of a family heirloom that I've been really relying on this board for help and you've all been wonderful. I took your adobe and spoke to my fiancé but unfortunately it wasn't the best. He feels bad and I feel bad. He still doesn't get it and stated he doesn't know how to fix it. I'm not sure either. I was hoping getting everything out in the open with him would help but it hasn't fixed the issue because I feel like he still doesn't get it. I was thinking of asking to go see the other ring to see if it even still feels the same now that it's become such a sore subject to me. I briefly mentioned maybe I could have it for our first anniversary and he joked maybe the 20th. He has the money but feels it is better spent towards buying us a house. While this is logical, I am still just hurt that he made that decision without talking with me about it. I'm not sure what the next step is now. I'm still hurt and it's not fading.

Ouch. Ouchouchouch.

Speaking as someone who has been married many years, there's a bunch of problems in your fiance's approach to this situation. My best advice is to be honest with yourself regarding how you feel about this. Don't try to persuade yourself that "this is just a small thing and you're being demanding." This is not a small thing - being cut out of the decision making in a marriage is a HUGE thing. Be careful in proceeding; if you've already hit that problem at this stage, it will most likely only get worse with time.

And just to be clear - you mentioned that neither of you knew how to fix this situation. Personally, I think fixing it is the easiest aspect of this; your fiance returns the heirloom ring to the family member and says "thanks - but it's not what we were planning and we'd like something more special and personal to US." Fixing the situation is dead simple. Refusing to fix the situation is a whole different animal and a huge red flag in my opinion. Anyone who just digs their heels in when their partner has concerns or is hurt or has a different point of view to theirs - or who laughs off their alternative suggestions in a conflict - is not a good proposition for a long term collaborative relationship. And - of course - he may change. But most people don't change much after marriage except to go further down the path they were on before they were married. So if non-collaboration is where you are already headed, again I say - be careful.

 

[WillyDiamond]

Hi OP
Here is a guys perspective...........We are wired differently than you, men have a difficult time "listening". Women listen better, and men need to acquire the skill, we are not born with it. We like to give advice and solutions, not listen.

I would not give an ultimatum on this, is it possible that you could accept the ring, tell him you will accept it, however, within a period of time (and you can come to agreement on this time), you would like to have the ring reset to something that you like better. Tell him you very much appreciate something from his family for you, but you want something that has your finger prints on it, but accept this ring for now, and change it later. Lots of vendors on this forum who can do that for you.

Best of luck.

 

[Circe]

First of all, thank you all for you advice. I have been feeling so guilty for not loving my ring and being appreciative of a family heirloom that I've been really relying on this board for help and you've all been wonderful. I took your adobe and spoke to my fiancé but unfortunately it wasn't the best. He feels bad and I feel bad. He still doesn't get it and stated he doesn't know how to fix it. I'm not sure either. I was hoping getting everything out in the open with him would help but it hasn't fixed the issue because I feel like he still doesn't get it. I was thinking of asking to go see the other ring to see if it even still feels the same now that it's become such a sore subject to me. I briefly mentioned maybe I could have it for our first anniversary and he joked maybe the 20th. He has the money but feels it is better spent towards buying us a house. While this is logical, I am still just hurt that he made that decision without talking with me about it. I'm not sure what the next step is now. I'm still hurt and it's not fading.

Ouch. Ouchouchouch.

Speaking as someone who has been married many years, there's a bunch of problems in your fiance's approach to this situation. My best advice is to be honest with yourself regarding how you feel about this. Don't try to persuade yourself that "this is just a small thing and you're being demanding." This is not a small thing - being cut out of the decision making in a marriage is a HUGE thing. Be careful in proceeding; if you've already hit that problem at this stage, it will most likely only get worse with time.

And just to be clear - you mentioned that neither of you knew how to fix this situation. Personally, I think fixing it is the easiest aspect of this; your fiance returns the heirloom ring to the family member and says "thanks - but it's not what we were planning and we'd like something more special and personal to US." Fixing the situation is dead simple. Refusing to fix the situation is a whole different animal and a huge red flag in my opinion. Anyone who just digs their heels in when their partner has concerns or is hurt or has a different point of view to theirs - or who laughs off their alternative suggestions in a conflict - is not a good proposition for a long term collaborative relationship. And - of course - he may change. But most people don't change much after marriage except to go further down the path they were on before they were married. So if non-collaboration is where you are already headed, again I say - be careful.

I think Mrs. Blop said it well - definitely, listen to your feelings, and even more importantly, to effectively communicate them to your fiance. My husband? Great guy. But he's very much a "logic" guy and not a "feelings" guy, and I frequently have to back anything I'm experiencing with facts (which can be frustrating, but which can also be helpful in me articulating my feelings and the reasoning behind it to myself).

I think your fiance's intentions were good when he went shopping with you, but I think that somewhere along the way - while considering the expenses ahead of you, wedding-house-kids-etc., or possibly after talking to a family member who doesn't really value gems or their sentimental value - he forgot that your peace-of-mind is just as important as the bottom line in your savings account or your equity in a house ... more so, really, since without you being happy, the others ain't going to happen, at least not as a joint venture, anyway.

Like you, I'm from a distinctly dysfunctional family, and my husband is from a wonderful, close-knit, cozy background. He doesn't put as much value on drawing boundaries as I do, quite probably because his family doesn't cross them as much as mine does. I, on the other hand? Had to fight tooth and nail for every single bit of autonomy/independence I've got, and the result is that I bristle when I see people crossing lines, even when they're well-intentioned, even when the results are good, because, a),mine, damnit! and b), because for me it's important that I be a part of the decisions that affect me, and that I have the final word. He doesn't necessarily get it, but he sees it's important to me so he tries to respect it. Sometimes I have to "remind" him forcibly, but at the end of the day, he gets that the marital bond needs to take priority, and the happiness of the spouse trumps the communal preference. To echo a number of wise people in this thread, it's not about the ring. It's about him privileging your voice above any other in the decisions that involve the two of you.

 

[movie zombie]

First of all, thank you all for you advice. I have been feeling so guilty for not loving my ring and being appreciative of a family heirloom that I've been really relying on this board for help and you've all been wonderful. I took your adobe and spoke to my fiancé but unfortunately it wasn't the best. He feels bad and I feel bad. He still doesn't get it and stated he doesn't know how to fix it. I'm not sure either. I was hoping getting everything out in the open with him would help but it hasn't fixed the issue because I feel like he still doesn't get it. I was thinking of asking to go see the other ring to see if it even still feels the same now that it's become such a sore subject to me. I briefly mentioned maybe I could have it for our first anniversary and he joked maybe the 20th. He has the money but feels it is better spent towards buying us a house. While this is logical, I am still just hurt that he made that decision without talking with me about it. I'm not sure what the next step is now. I'm still hurt and it's not fading.

Ouch. Ouchouchouch.

Speaking as someone who has been married many years, there's a bunch of problems in your fiance's approach to this situation. My best advice is to be honest with yourself regarding how you feel about this. Don't try to persuade yourself that "this is just a small thing and you're being demanding." This is not a small thing - being cut out of the decision making in a marriage is a HUGE thing. Be careful in proceeding; if you've already hit that problem at this stage, it will most likely only get worse with time.

And just to be clear - you mentioned that neither of you knew how to fix this situation. Personally, I think fixing it is the easiest aspect of this; your fiance returns the heirloom ring to the family member and says "thanks - but it's not what we were planning and we'd like something more special and personal to US." Fixing the situation is dead simple. Refusing to fix the situation is a whole different animal and a huge red flag in my opinion. Anyone who just digs their heels in when their partner has concerns or is hurt or has a different point of view to theirs - or who laughs off their alternative suggestions in a conflict - is not a good proposition for a long term collaborative relationship. And - of course - he may change. But most people don't change much after marriage except to go further down the path they were on before they were married. So if non-collaboration is where you are already headed, again I say - be careful.

I think Mrs. Blop said it well - definitely, listen to your feelings, and even more importantly, to effectively communicate them to your fiance. My husband? Great guy. But he's very much a "logic" guy and not a "feelings" guy, and I frequently have to back anything I'm experiencing with facts (which can be frustrating, but which can also be helpful in me articulating my feelings and the reasoning behind it to myself).

I think your fiance's intentions were good when he went shopping with you, but I think that somewhere along the way - while considering the expenses ahead of you, wedding-house-kids-etc., or possibly after talking to a family member who doesn't really value gems or their sentimental value - he forgot that your peace-of-mind is just as important as the bottom line in your savings account or your equity in a house ... more so, really, since without you being happy, the others ain't going to happen, at least not as a joint venture, anyway.

Like you, I'm from a distinctly dysfunctional family, and my husband is from a wonderful, close-knit, cozy background. He doesn't put as much value on drawing boundaries as I do, quite probably because his family doesn't cross them as much as mine does. I, on the other hand? Had to fight tooth and nail for every single bit of autonomy/independence I've got, and the result is that I bristle when I see people crossing lines, even when they're well-intentioned, even when the results are good, because, a),mine, damnit! and b), because for me it's important that I be a part of the decisions that affect me, and that I have the final word. He doesn't necessarily get it, but he sees it's important to me so he tries to respect it. Sometimes I have to "remind" him forcibly, but at the end of the day, he gets that the marital bond needs to take priority, and the happiness of the spouse trumps the communal preference. To echo a number of wise people in this thread, it's not about the ring. It's about him privileging your voice above any other in the decisions that involve the two of you.

both of you need to be on the same page if you're going to have a successful marriage.

and if he sees/thinks of things in financial goals to be obtained he really needs to understand that "investment" in this relationship is at the top of the list.

I agree "fixing" the ring issue is the easy part............

 

[VirginiaZee]

OP, you mentioned you'd be happy with a plain band if money is the stumbling block... in this case it doesn't sound like it's so much money as lack of listening/understanding. BUT, if money is the thing that your fiance is thinking about (wanting to provide a nice house, etc.) one way to "fix" the ring challenge would be to return the heirloom (or heck, keep it and wear as a RHR) and set a budget and go pick out a rocking band to wear. If you like vintage (like I do) you can find some amazing vintage bands for very little money, or you can splurge a bit more to find an eternity band if you want some sparkle. But IMHO the big thing is that he listen to you when you say that picking out something together matters to you, and that he's then willing to do it even if it doesn't make sense to him.

 

[RandG]

Very tough situation...I feel for you, and can relate. Although it wasn't a family piece, my SO proposed with a ring I didn't love. I tried to love it but finally confessed it wasn't for me. His hurt reaction compelled me to try keeping it, but it sat in a safe more often than not. I finally sold it and gave him is money back. You can imagine how that went over! We will marry in December without an "engagement ring". Do I wish I hadn't said anything? Sometimes. But ultimately, I'm mostly okay not having "his" ring and use the real estate on my finger for my own pieces. Who says you can't buy your own ring?

Whatever you decide, good luck! I hope it works out for you.

 

[distracts]

Hi Sharon, yes the new family does include me. That is what he thinks is so special about the heirloom. However, I do understand what your getting at. In his mind there is no him+ me = family without he extra + his while family

If in his mind his family is always you two plus the extended family, and in your mind your family is the two of you, where does that leave you? This is bigger than the ring - one term I see thrown about by religious people is "leaving and cleaving" - you are supposed to leave your old family and cleave to your spouse. http://www.gotquestions.org/leave-and-cleave.html I'm not religious and a lot of the stuff you get when you google leave and cleave is sexist claptrap, but the concept that you need to be able to put your new created family first is solid, and it is true that extended family drama seems to ruin quite a few marriages.

I suggest finding a good premarital counselor and going to weekly sessions, as this is something you should definitely get fully discussed before moving ahead with wedding planning. You two need to be on the same page about family concepts and how decisions are made (like, one partner not going ahead if the other isn't fully onboard) before getting married. This is totally solveable, but personally before getting married I'd want proof that my husband is willing and able to put me first. I went through something kind of similar involving family boundary-stomping (even more bizarre in my instance since my husband doesn't even LIKE his family, but was letting them run roughshod over him anyway) and counseling really helped us understand where the other was coming from and how to deal with it as a team. And please do stress this is not about the ring but about the way the decision was made.

 

[Polished]

There can be something so justified about being financially responsible. On the surface it looks like saving for a house, building financial security etc is so much more important than a ring. Your fiance can play this card to perfection providing the grounds to treat you as though you are an irresponsible silly who needs to be firmly taken into hand. However you have a lifetime to plan for all the things that are going to build your security, the important thing is to have a secure foundation between you to build on. Interestingly this can be about the ring. The attitudes brought to the ring can say much (although not necessarily) about the foundation on which your relationship is built. For instance your fiance responding to your suggestion to get the ring for your first anniversary with "maybe in 20 years" and that's a maybe, doesn't show that pleasing you is going to be priority. And I'm with lioness in doubting whether the ring is in fact an heirloom. The ring, found by an Aunt and belonging to the Great Grandmother seems rather conveniently distant for anyone to check its veracity. It might be true and it's at least being bestowed upon you with good intentions but if it's not you are taking forward with you a range of issues to do with his family that may not be pleasant to deal with. I think the advice to keep listening and trusting your own voice, given by mrs blop is very sound.

 

[nala]

I don't think any of our advice will be particularly helpful because we don't know all the details about your relationship. While many can speculate what a ring symbolizes or what shopping for your ring represented, the truth is that we really don't know much else about your relationship. We don't know how well your fiance treats you. We don't know if this incident is an exception, and not a precedent or the norm. We don't know if he places as much symbolism in the ring as you, or if to him, it's just a formality. We don't know the value of any of the rings that you both considered and whether it is about saving money or saving face with his family.

In short, if you have a great guy OTHERWISE....upgrade the ring yourself in the future. I have been married for 5 years and have already upgraded twice with my own money because although my hubby gave me my first ring, I fell in love with diamonds and wanted a better one. My hubby never jumped on board, just like I still haven't jumped on board with his comic book collection, but that is why we each have our own spending money, so that we don't have to cringe about each others luxuries! In the end, that is what a ring is...a luxury..so just enjoy your engagement and the fact that he proposed and decided to give you a ring... and start saving for your upgrade. BTW, it feels good to be able to buy your own jewelry...no explanations necessary to anyone!

 

[aljdewey]

There is nothing wrong with wanting to pass on a family heirloom, but if you aren't on board with it, there is no reason it has to also serve as your engagement ring. Annniversary ring later? Sure. Push present? Sure. There are other occasions that family heirlooms can be shared on.

He was prepared to budget for your ring before this ring was offered, so I'm not sure why that still can't be so. I get that he now sees a way to reallocate that $$ to a house, but if the end result is that you're feeling overlooked, that's not really a great plan.

I get that he may not want his family to feel their generosity was rejected; if that's the case, he can say that if the ring was offered for any other occasion, you'd both happily accept and cherish it -- but emphasize that it's important to both of you to proceed with a ring you've picked together for your engagement.

This is the person who is supposed to put you above all others, and if he's prepared to marry you, there's no time like the present to begin doing so.

 

[goingon5]

I'm sorry. I feel like I was reading something I could have written for myself. It's all true for me too, only I don't have a ring yet. We have discussed rings, I've basically picked one out (he wanted me to)... And I had to basically let him know and prepare ahead.. That it's OK for us to do this on our own. This is our decision. I'm going to be wearing this ring forever. And it needs to be between us. He agreed. So, I totally understand where you're coming from. I would be upset too if it turns out be disregarded our conversations and did what his family told him or wanted him to do. *hugs*

 

[Travelgal]

OP congrats on your engagement. I am sorry that you are unhappy with the circumstances around your ring. I think as women we depend on each other to share feelings, gather support, and learn. I have a couple thoughts on your situation without knowing all the details of your relationship.

1. Relationship spats build a stronger bond. We all have disagreements in our relationships where we get to learn about our partner. What gets under their skin, what makes them feel heard, what communication techniques work to get our points across, what makes them shut down, what gets them to come around, etc. We learn how to best discuss delicate matters. This is first obstacle you are facing together and it won't be your last. Use it as a learning experience of what you can differently in the future.

2. Counseling is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean your relationship is broken or that something is "wrong" with your relationship. If you feel you can't "fix" the problem together, than I would consider premarital counseling. Counselors provide unbiased guidance on how to overcome obstacles and how to tackle difficult situations.

3. If you enter a discussion feeling defeated or helpless, you will emerge from the discussion defeated or helpless. Make sure you start any difficult conversation from a position of strength. Know what is important to you, feel it, translate it into something he can relate to and stay on topic. Be confident! And if you don't know how to show confidence/strength, practice in front of the mirror or record your voice and play it back. I know it sounds silly, but I promise it's helpful.

4. Trust your gut.

5. Know you are always worth it, whatever "it" is in your current financial situation.

Be strong and let us know how it turns out. We are all rooting for you!

 

[quaddio]

Post some photos so we can all compliment your bling, it may give you consolation. He's already proposed right?

 

[motownmama]

Could a blingy wedding band help you feel cherished? Also - can the heirloom be reset - maybe a 3-stone or something? Keep the old, but add the new?

 

[ame]

He put his family's opinion over yours regarding something that you are going to wear for the rest of your life. I would be livid and very hurt. Honestly, I hope this isn't a sign of bigger problems that you will have to deal with.

(Sorry, I know this is not helpful whatsoever. I just feel bad for you)

This is where I am. You need to address this right now. I'd go so far as to not wear the ring you were given until this is handled.

 

[anne_h]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. It's great you are being honest with yourself about how you feel.

You've receive some excellent advice here. All I want to add is that counselling (as suggested by one or two other posters) might be a good idea. Not about the ring per se... but I noticed you mentioned several times your feelings about his particular orientation towards his family. My two cents is that his family will be around forever (and if you live nearby probably very involved in your life), so your joint relationships and boundaries with them will be something you NEED to manage, and better to start sooner than later!

It's not that there's anything inherently wrong with his relationships with his family, but if you two have different styles/values around that, it could certainly come up again in your marriage.

Definitely great to get this sorted NOW, versus potentially years of tension in the future.

I liked what another poster asked about the women in his family (especially his parents) - does his mother work, does she make spending decisions, is she an equal partner? If any of the answers run counter to your own values, definitely explore this with your fiancé NOW.

Best of luck, remember you are your own independent adult, entitled to respect and equality, and if you don't like something, CHANGE IT!

Keep us posted!

Anne

 

[Elle711]

Hi all. I want to make it clear that in no way is my fiancé a bad person. He is wonderful and we really do have a good relationship. The ring is an heirloom even though it "seemed to come out of no where" his family places little to no value on things such as jewelry like I do so it truly was just laying around. FI was given the ring and he decided he wanted to have the setting modified to look more like things we had seen when shopping. He said it was very him to have it modified and because he is very close to his family it means more to him. In no way am I trying to make him look bad. I am just very hurt by the lack of communication and how I was shut out of a very personal situation and he never once paused to see my thoughts on the sudden change, even after I tried to tell him months before the proposal. I feel like he made it more about himself and his desires and didn't think that I might not be so thrilled about that. The ring is pretty. I do like it. But if I'm honest, no-I'm not in love with it and it makes me feel overlooked? I'm not sure that is the right word. We are at a difference of opinion. It means more to him now than the one we selected together and I on the other hand don't feel that way, though I feel I should with how much effort he put into it? I can't pinpoint why my heart is just not in it. I should be thrilled that he modified the setting to what he thought I would like...right?

 

[VirginiaZee]

I am just very hurt by the lack of communication and how I was shut out of a very personal situation and he never once paused to see my thoughts on the sudden change, even after I tried to tell him months before the proposal. I feel like he made it more about himself and his desires

and

it makes me feel overlooked

Based on what you wrote, I think you have a fairly good idea why this is such a difficult situation for you and your heart might not be in this ring. And it also sounds like your fiance, as great of a guy as he is, doesn't (can't? won't?) understand. If you've already explained all this to him, and he still doesn't get it, is he open to keeping this ring as a RHR or future anniversary present, and getting something else that's just the two of you as an engagement ring? Or is it truly a "this is your engagement ring and that's that (and I don't care about how you feel)" sort of situation?

And to echo previous posters, every relationship has disagreements and rough patches; it's how the couple communicates and works through them that matters. I'm truly sorry you're dealing with this.

 

[Elle711]

Here is a picture of the ring

 

[Elle711]

Here is a picture of the ring

 

[Elle711]

Based on what you wrote, I think you have a fairly good idea why this is such a difficult situation for you and your heart might not be in this ring. And it also sounds like your fiance, as great of a guy as he is, doesn't (can't? won't?) understand. If you've already explained all this to him, and he still doesn't get it, is he open to keeping this ring as a RHR or future anniversary present, and getting something else that's just the two of you as an engagement ring? Or is it truly a "this is your engagement ring and that's that (and I don't care about how you feel)" sort of situation?

And to echo previous posters, every relationship has disagreements and rough patches; it's how the couple communicates and works through them that matters. I'm truly sorry you're dealing with this.

This is where I think we're both stumped. I'm not sure another ring would fix it, I want a new one but I also want to just love this one. I think I'll feel guilty or demanding. I also don't want to hurt his feeling when this ring apparently means a lot to him and the other didn't. I just know that when I look at this one i see the issue and not the excitement about getting engaged to my best friend.

 

[VirginiaZee]

FWIW I think it's a pretty ring, but what matters is how you both feel about it. And belated congratulations on getting engaged to your best friend.

If I'm reading the situation right (and only you know for sure) it sounds like maybe he thought that using this ring, but modifying it to be similar to the one you loved, would be meaningful. Yes, he should have asked, yes he should have listened, yes to all those other things that have been said. Learning to communicate is all part of this process, and goodness knows it can be a challenge at times. This is totally pure conjecture, and I'm a romantic so... take this with a giant dose of salt and recognize it for the projection that it is... but maybe somehow in his mind he was taking something that was his (this ring) and modifying it to bring in elements that you liked to create something that was both of yours? I'm not saying that to tell you you should love the ring or not be hurt or anything else, it's just that from what you've said he's a great guy and did put time into this (so he's not just trying to be cheap or lazy or something negative...) and I'm trying to understand where the disconnect is.

I think I'll feel guilty or demanding. I also don't want to hurt his feeling when this ring apparently means a lot to him and the other didn't. I just know that when I look at this one i see the issue and not the excitement about getting engaged to my best friend.

Have you told this to him in words very similar to this? And I personally don't think you're being demanding at all, you and he talked and agreed and... then he did a switcheroo. Regardless of his intention for doing that, it's okay to feel a certain way about it and it's good to communicate with him. He just has to communicate with you too.

Are either of you open to starting this process again, maybe with a bit more knowledge and understanding regarding how to talk and listen to each other? This is tough...

 

[movie zombie]

Based on what you wrote, I think you have a fairly good idea why this is such a difficult situation for you and your heart might not be in this ring. And it also sounds like your fiance, as great of a guy as he is, doesn't (can't? won't?) understand. If you've already explained all this to him, and he still doesn't get it, is he open to keeping this ring as a RHR or future anniversary present, and getting something else that's just the two of you as an engagement ring? Or is it truly a "this is your engagement ring and that's that (and I don't care about how you feel)" sort of situation?

And to echo previous posters, every relationship has disagreements and rough patches; it's how the couple communicates and works through them that matters. I'm truly sorry you're dealing with this.

This is where I think we're both stumped. I'm not sure another ring would fix it, I want a new one but I also want to just love this one. I think I'll feel guilty or demanding. I also don't want to hurt his feeling when this ring apparently means a lot to him and the other didn't. I just know that when I look at this one i see the issue and not the excitement about getting engaged to my best friend.

and there you have it. believe me when I say this will not go away and will always be in the back of your mind. I hope you both find a way to work on the issue and move forward.

eta: the ring looks lovely on your finger. it would look equally good as a RHR. you could wear this ring until you get your wedding band. the wedding band could be something blingy that YOU pick out. then start wearing this ring as a RHR. just an idea.....however, this isn't really the issue that needs to be resolved, is it?

 

[motownmama]

I'm not sure I knew he modified it to look like the ring you both liked; I'll admit I did not read every word in this post. That seems considerate. It does look very pretty on your hand. What does your dream ring look like?