My Fello LIW: Opinions on Long Engagements???

[Bia]

I was wondering what you all thought about long engagements? If I am right about this, I expect to be engaged by late summer or early fall (maybe sooner, who knows?!) but am thinking that I may not be ready to start planning a full scale wedding. Is it just me? Some of my reasons include:

1.) I am still in graduate school, expecting to finish in another year and half and I'd like to have some leisure time to plan at my own pace--although this might not be possible.

2.) My little brother is getting married in September and I just don't think I'd be ready to plan a wedding for fall 2009--especially since my family might appreciate more than years worth of breathing room, as most of my side will be coming from Mass and Florida.

3.) All that, combined with the fact that weddings in NYC are SsooOOooOOOOooo expensive! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

The reason I ask is because some of my co-workers don't think much about longer engagements.

I can't wait to get married, but I can at the same time. What do you all think?

 

[gwendolyn]

Who cares what they think? If it works for you, then do it! I''d probably be fine with one myself if my situation with immigration paperwork was different. I''d want to save up money for the ring, and then save up money for the wedding, and (even without having a big shindig) that takes time! So, really, whatever works for you, hon. There are no rules.

 

[Just_Me]

I agree. It''s what you and your FF want. If you want a long engagment, have a long engagment.
Personally, my FF and I want a very, very short engagment - but that''s what works for us. Do what works for you!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I think any length of time that the couple is in agreement on is a good length of time

Off the top of my head I can think of two couples I know of who had very long engagements and it never seemed odd to me.

Would your wedding be in the city? One of my most favorite venues ever is in Upstate NY. I would love to have my wedding there but I think it''s a little too far to ask people to travel to.

 

[Dreamgirl]

It''s all up to you. But if I were you, Id still wait a little to get engaged until you are "ready" to plan the big day. (my Tiffany friend!)

 

[Bia]

Yes, I agree that it shouldn't matter what others think. I just feel like, since I've turned 26 all I keep hearing is people asking me "when?" It's annoying! I'm not even 30 yet, can't I get some breathing room?!

Maybe since we've been together so long--actually I am almost certain that IS the reason people always ask so often. I just know myself. I'd love to do it 2010, when I know I will be done with school and probably working and making much better money. It makes sense to me. However I have family members asking about babies and such. It is like, "Whooaaa...hold on a minute!"

I don't know. It shouldn't matter what others think about your personal timeline but for some reason, I always let people in...then they take over my brain!!!

KeepingTheFaith: I will likely get married in Westchester County which is just outside of NYC...however I may do a city wedding. It all depends on what type of budget we have to plan with. There are so many beautiful venues around but they all are expensive...its more a matter of just how espensive we can go, not if we will.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 5/7/2008 2:02:39 PM
Author: Bia
Yes, I agree that it shouldn''t matter what others think. I just feel like, since I''ve turned 26 all I keep hearing is people asking me ''when?'' It''s annoying!

Yeah, I get this a lot too! We are just not at that place yet where we are "ready" to be engaged. People don''t understand. My boyfriend may/may not go back to school for a Masters. People at work tell me "Well you should get married and combine your money, then pay for his Masters that way!"

We want to have good secure jobs first too. People tell me "There is no perfect time!" Well my boyfriend and I feel differently, and that''s us.

Uh, its like I think "Mind your own business" lol

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/7/2008 2:10:12 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Uh, its like I think ''Mind your own business'' lol

Exactly! What is everyone''s damn hurry, I wonder?! Grrrr...

I should just stop listening to busy-bodies when they speak to me...tune them out. Anyone know how???

 

[Octavia]

Date: 5/7/2008 1:54:10 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
I think any length of time that the couple is in agreement on is a good length of time

Off the top of my head I can think of two couples I know of who had very long engagements and it never seemed odd to me.


Would your wedding be in the city? One of my most favorite venues ever is in Upstate NY. I would love to have my wedding there but I think it''s a little too far to ask people to travel to.

KTF, whereabouts in upstate NY? My parents live upstate and I''m curious about whether it''s close to them or in some other part of the state. I would love, love, love to get married up there but unfortunately it''s so impractical that it''s just not going to happen.

 

[pumpkin81]

I read today that the average engagement in the US is now 16 months

! I can''t IMAGINE being engaged for that long, but that''s just me. When BF and I do get engaged (which I hope is very soon

), I hope to have a short engagement...Then again, we''re pretty ready as far as having stable jobs, a house, etc. so it seems a bit like everything else is in place. Plus, I think I''d be a maniac if I had wedding planning hanging over my head for more than a year!

 

[Bia]

Yikes! It sounds like many of the LIW want to plan the wedding ASAP (As Soon As Proposal).

Maybe there is something wrong with me!

Ladies who plan to wait a bit, please tell me why you and SO have chosen to do so. I want to make sure my reasons are good ones.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Personally, I''d like to be engaged for about a year. SO thinks less than that. I guess I wont worry about it until the time comes lol.

 

[pumpkin81]

Bia - just because you may want a longer engagement doesn''t mean you''re not ready to actually be engaged. If I were in your shoes (i.e. grad school, needing to save some cash, etc) I would definitely want to wait to plan too. A lot of couples are still in school, settling into new jobs, etc and that''s certainly worth considering! In our situation, my BF is 30 and has had the same great job for 8 years. I''ve been out of grad school now for 4 yrs and also have a steady job. We''ve lived in our house together for awhile now, we''re settled, ya know? So maybe that''s why the wedding planning doesn''t strike me as daunting as it might for you...I''d say it''s understandable!

 

[Dani511]

Date: 5/7/2008 1:09:52 PM
Author:Bia
I was wondering what you all thought about long engagements? If I am right about this, I expect to be engaged by late summer or early fall (maybe sooner, who knows?!) but am thinking that I may not be ready to start planning a full scale wedding. Is it just me? Some of my reasons include:

1.) I am still in graduate school, expecting to finish in another year and half and I''d like to have some leisure time to plan at my own pace--although this might not be possible.

2.) My little brother is getting married in September and I just don''t think I''d be ready to plan a wedding for fall 2009--especially since my family might appreciate more than years worth of breathing room, as most of my side will be coming from Mass and Florida.

3.) All that, combined with the fact that weddings in NYC are SsooOOooOOOOooo expensive! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

The reason I ask is because some of my co-workers don''t think much about longer engagements.

I can''t wait to get married, but I can at the same time. What do you all think?

Hi Bia!

I would pay no attention to the fact that your co-workers do not think very highly about long engagements. Unless, of course, they want to pay for your reception? LOL!!

I am in a very similar situation. I expect to be engaged by sometime this summer and I am not going to get married untill most likely spring of 2010. I just completed graduate school, my BF needs to enter grad school, I have to save for an EXPENSIVE NY wedding (you know how that is!), I will be having guests come from all areas of NY, Mass., and Cali, and I need time to do it all.

It will all be coming out of my pocket and it is going to take time to save for it. Most of my engaged friends jumped right into it, set a date, spent all of thier money, took out loans, all within 6 months of being engaged, and now all of the what I would consider fun and exciting planning of it all is suddenly over.

They look down on my upcoming long engagement as well, but it is really none of thier business (unless they want to pitch in, ha!). I think everyone''s situation is different. If you need the extra time due to the reasons you had stated, then go for it. It is all about you and your fiance and your special day. Do what you need to do! I am sure the time will fly by anyhow, and it will be worth the wait!!

 

[Cleopatra]

Date: 5/7/2008 3:11:25 PM
Author: pumpkin81
I read today that the average engagement in the US is now 16 months

! I can''t IMAGINE being engaged for that long, but that''s just me. When BF and I do get engaged (which I hope is very soon

), I hope to have a short engagement...Then again, we''re pretty ready as far as having stable jobs, a house, etc. so it seems a bit like everything else is in place. Plus, I think I''d be a maniac if I had wedding planning hanging over my head for more than a year!

My engagement will be 16 months by the time we get married this August - It''s been sooooo annoying having to wait this long. We, too, both had stable jobs at the time we got engaged, and we''re still confused as to why we chose our date! We could be married right now, and that just bothers me! haha!

 

[Dani511]

I know you had told me once before Bia, but where in Westchester are you again? I am in New Rochelle.

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/7/2008 3:30:11 PM
Author: Dani511

Hi Bia!

I would pay no attention to the fact that your co-workers do not think very highly about long engagements. Unless, of course, they want to pay for your reception? LOL!!

I am in a very similar situation. I expect to be engaged by sometime this summer and I am not going to get married untill most likely spring of 2010. I just completed graduate school, my BF needs to enter grad school, I have to save for an EXPENSIVE NY wedding (you know how that is!), I will be having guests come from all areas of NY, Mass., and Cali, and I need time to do it all.

It will all be coming out of my pocket and it is going to take time to save for it. Most of my engaged friends jumped right into it, set a date, spent all of thier money, took out loans, all within 6 months of being engaged, and now all of the what I would consider fun and exciting planning of it all is suddenly over.

They look down on my upcoming long engagement as well, but it is really none of thier business (unless they want to pitch in, ha!). I think everyone's situation is different. If you need the extra time due to the reasons you had stated, then go for it. It is all about you and your fiance and your special day. Do what you need to do! I am sure the time will fly by anyhow, and it will be worth the wait!!

You and I should DEFINITELY talk and get together at some point--especially if we get engaged around the same time! I most certainly will need tips from others in similar shoes. Do you have an venues in mind? I love love love Tappan Hill and of course, the LightHouse at Chelsea Piers. Have you seen Gotham Hall? Gorgeous! Don't think it would be right for my wedding but if you have some big bucks $$ to spend, its amazing.

I am in Bronxville, 5 min from New Rochelle!

 

[anchor31]

It''s up to you, really, but as a bride who will have had a 24 months engagement (less than 3 months to go now), let me tell you that my long engagement sucked. It would have sucked even if it''d been short, mind you, so having it long was particularly bad. Granted, if we hadn''t booked our venue 17 months in advance we wouldn''t have had it, but had I know all this would happen, I wouldn''t have wanted to be engaged for a day over 17 months. We didn''t start planning before that booking at the 17 months mark, though. I just can''t wait to get this over with now, and I''ve been feeling like this since January.

If you do have a long engagement, I hope you have a better time than I have had!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 5/7/2008 3:06:02 PM
Author: Octavia

Date: 5/7/2008 1:54:10 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
I think any length of time that the couple is in agreement on is a good length of time

Off the top of my head I can think of two couples I know of who had very long engagements and it never seemed odd to me.


Would your wedding be in the city? One of my most favorite venues ever is in Upstate NY. I would love to have my wedding there but I think it''s a little too far to ask people to travel to.

KTF, whereabouts in upstate NY? My parents live upstate and I''m curious about whether it''s close to them or in some other part of the state. I would love, love, love to get married up there but unfortunately it''s so impractical that it''s just not going to happen.

The Sagamore. Ahhhhhhhh I love that place!!!!!!! It really is my dream venue for so many reasons. I''ve never even looked into prices. I''m afraid I would fall off my chair and hurt myself!

 

[Bia]

How far upstate are we talking? I am way downstate (I don''t think they call it that) between NYC and CT.

KeepingtheFaith: If you could have your wedding anywhere in Mass, where would it be?

 

[ringless]

I am all for them... I told my FF that I want a 1yr 1/2 engagement, he agreed and said it was a good idea. I mainly want the long engagement for the planning. We've been together for almost 7 years, I know he's not going anywhere! I want my day to be perfect and there's no rush to actually get married... I already know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I would just like to have the commitment and be engaged for a little while. I cant wait!

Bia - you're not alone and there is absolutly nothing wrong with wanting a long engagement... whatever works! Plus... I would love to not be in debt and be able to have plenty of time to save! Didja think about that?!

 

[lliang_chi]

My engagement will be around 18 months. FI is in school so nothing before June, and I don''t want to get married in FL in the summer, so nothing between June and Sept. Oct 2009 it is... This gives me more time to plan etc. Which is fine by me

 

[that_someone_special]

We''ll be engaged by the end of the year, and I want an Aprilish 2010 wedding.. around a year and a half! Sounds good to me

Also, I''m 24 and the oldest of 3 kids. My mom wants grandchildren! I''m like, uh, no.

Her BFF since 1st grade has two grandchildren, and two of them are married out of her 3 kids as well. I feel like they try to keep up with each other!

 

[FrekeChild]

Oh dear. This really hit home for me. As of the moment FF and I don''t plan on getting engaged until Spring of 2009 AT THE EARLIEST-unless he tricks me.
We agreed that we''d want a 1-2 year engagement period which could be Spring 2010 or even Spring 2011. I personally want Fall 2010, but that''s just me.
Regardless I don''t want to get married until after I''m done with school-Fall 2010-if everything goes according to plan-because BFs income will screw up my financial aid, and I don''t want to try to change my name for the stupid school records when I''m about to graduate.
He is a phd student who is about to finish his coursework in the Fall, and will then go on to do his Comprehensive Exams in early-mid Spring 2009. One of the reasons he wants to wait until Spring 2009 is so I don''t drive him nuts with wedding planning right as he''s trying to do Comps, so he won''t propose before that. One of his friends got married Feb 29th and did her Comps in April-and her head almost exploded.

Now where this gets complicated is that my mom is sick. She has Stage 4 breast cancer and she is terrified that she won''t live to see me get engaged or married (or graduate for that matter, but the other two seem more important to her for the moment) because of our time line. She would be thrilled if he proposed even, but the odds of that are not high. And the odds of her making it 2-3 more years aren''t high either.

So, I''m stuck. BF won''t budge on the time line, I don''t really want to feel pressured into getting married sooner than I want to, but I desperately want her there. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to tell her?

 

[Pandora II]

I''ve had a 17 month engagement and frankly I needed it.

I''m 36 in August, FI and I have a house and all our ducks in a row, but I wanted to take my time.

I also wanted to have a summer wedding (mainly because it couldn''t possibly clash with a General Election

) and having got engaged in Dec 06, there was nothing available in 2007.

I refused to plan anything at all until I was engaged - didn''t even look at wedding ****. I spent a lot of the first year just thinking what I wanted and confirming vendors. Other than my nightmare over the last month with the Venue Witch from Hell, it has been stress free.

Since I have a hectic work schedule I couldn''t have done it in less.

 

[redfaerythinker]

Bia... I''m right there with ya babe. My engagement will be about two years because I want to finish school before I get married. I think long engagements are great because it''s another phase of your relationship and I want to be able to enjoy it. My time as a girlfriend has just flown by. I want to be able to look back on my engagement period as a fun time, not just full of stressful planning. Bottom line is... just do what you think is right for you. That''s all that matters. And just think of the wedding that you''ll be able to throw because you waited. Wanna invite me?

 

[bee*]

We''re having a 19 month engagement, the main factor being that I went back to college and want to get three years done prior to getting married. Saving money is another reason and also places book up so fast here. Even though we were 19 months away, we would have had to wait another 2 years if we wanted a saturday, one year for a friday

The time is flying though and I really love having a lengthy engagement as it allows me to do wedding planning on and off and the off time gives me time to study. Do whatevers best for yourself. Long engagements seem to be the norm over here.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/7/2008 6:06:51 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Oh dear. This really hit home for me. As of the moment FF and I don''t plan on getting engaged until Spring of 2009 AT THE EARLIEST-unless he tricks me.

We agreed that we''d want a 1-2 year engagement period which could be Spring 2010 or even Spring 2011. I personally want Fall 2010, but that''s just me.

Regardless I don''t want to get married until after I''m done with school-Fall 2010-if everything goes according to plan-because BFs income will screw up my financial aid, and I don''t want to try to change my name for the stupid school records when I''m about to graduate.

He is a phd student who is about to finish his coursework in the Fall, and will then go on to do his Comprehensive Exams in early-mid Spring 2009. One of the reasons he wants to wait until Spring 2009 is so I don''t drive him nuts with wedding planning right as he''s trying to do Comps, so he won''t propose before that. One of his friends got married Feb 29th and did her Comps in April-and her head almost exploded.


Now where this gets complicated is that my mom is sick. She has Stage 4 breast cancer and she is terrified that she won''t live to see me get engaged or married (or graduate for that matter, but the other two seem more important to her for the moment) because of our time line. She would be thrilled if he proposed even, but the odds of that are not high. And the odds of her making it 2-3 more years aren''t high either.


So, I''m stuck. BF won''t budge on the time line, I don''t really want to feel pressured into getting married sooner than I want to, but I desperately want her there. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to tell her?

I wish I did have a suggestion. That''s a sucky situation.

 

[CNOS128]

I wouldn''t mind a long engagement, but BF would prefer, as he put it, "to get engaged and get married 3 days later." Hmph. I''ve informed him that it takes longer than that to get a dress and a cake and -- oh yeah! -- tell your guests about the wedding.

My engagement will be shorter than I would prefer (in the name of compromise). Because he''s getting up there in years and wants to have kids soon, and I''d like to be married for about a year first.


And, Bia, I hear ya on the NYC weddings being expensive. I''d rather put a down payment on an apartment!

 

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

When you said long engagement I was expecting it to be 3-4 years not just 1 1/2 to 2 years. I should be engaged this summer and we have discussed that we don''t plan on getting married until 2010 (probably May-ish). Especially if you get married in NYC....you will have to book venues at least 1 year out most likely.

I personally didn''t want to have to start making final decisions on venues, etc immediately after being engaged. I want to enjoy being engaged and have some time to review my options.

I know it''s tough, but try not to let all the "so when are you getting married" "so why the long engagment" etc etc comments get to you.