My Fello LIW: Opinions on Long Engagements???

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/7/2008 7:41:10 PM
Author: TheBigT
I wouldn''t mind a long engagement, but BF would prefer, as he put it, ''to get engaged and get married 3 days later.'' Hmph. I''ve informed him that it takes longer than that to get a dress and a cake and -- oh yeah! -- tell your guests about the wedding.

My engagement will be shorter than I would prefer (in the name of compromise). Because he''s getting up there in years and wants to have kids soon, and I''d like to be married for about a year first.


And, Bia, I hear ya on the NYC weddings being expensive. I''d rather put a down payment on an apartment!

It''s the same for us. I wouldn''t mind a long-ish engagement. Maybe 12-18 months tops. Probably only 18 months if we get engaged, oh, right now. LOL. but I think he''d rather something in the range of 6-9 months. I''m not sure how we''ll throw together the big 200+ person wedding he wants on a shorter timeframe...

Personally, I want a little while to enjoy being engaged without adding the stress of wedding planning into the mix. Not a super long time, even just a few months of having him as my ''fiance'' before everything gets kicked into high gear and we get busy with wedding madness. He differs a bit on that, though, and seems to think that engagement = wedding planning ASAP. (Or maybe he''s just afraid I''ll get all wedding obsessed as soon as I get the ring, which I doubt will happen but hey, ya never know! Never thought I''d be engagement crazed either!)

 

[musey]

Date: 5/7/2008 2:00:27 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
It's all up to you. But if I were you, Id still wait a little to get engaged until you are 'ready' to plan the big day. (my Tiffany friend!)

This is how I feel.

I'm nearing the end of a "long" engagement (20 months). It's actually turned out to be the norm, or on the short side, for this area--as venues book up 1.5years+ in advance. We had other things than planning and budgeting holding us back, but if we hadn't, I would have opted for a short (under 10 months) engagement and just have done it more simply (or somewhere more short-planning-period friendly).


ETA: When I was in my early-LIW stage (about 2 years into the relationship), I mentioned wanting to get engaged to one of my brothers. His reply was: "But you're still in school! You're so young!" I said I know, but we wouldn't get married right away, we'd just be engaged for awhile... like 2 years or more. He just got really confused and said "um, if you're not ready to get married, why do you need to be engaged? Isn't that what being engaged is--ready to get married NOW, and the planning period is just a necessary delay?"

I'd never really thought about it that way, but it makes a lot of sense. If I wasn't ready to plan a wedding and actually get married as soon as the planning period would allow, why did I want/need to get engaged? Just to make a public service announcement about the status of our relationship? Food for thought, I guess.

I think something along those lines might be why some people are perplexed by long engagements.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Freke- Im so sorry about your Mother!

Goodness, I hardly know what to say other than hope and pray that she will still be with you when that time comes. And I would assume your boyfriend knows your Mother''s thoughts on the situation?

 

[Dani511]

Date: 5/7/2008 3:37:22 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 5/7/2008 3:30:11 PM
Author: Dani511

Hi Bia!

I would pay no attention to the fact that your co-workers do not think very highly about long engagements. Unless, of course, they want to pay for your reception? LOL!!

I am in a very similar situation. I expect to be engaged by sometime this summer and I am not going to get married untill most likely spring of 2010. I just completed graduate school, my BF needs to enter grad school, I have to save for an EXPENSIVE NY wedding (you know how that is!), I will be having guests come from all areas of NY, Mass., and Cali, and I need time to do it all.

It will all be coming out of my pocket and it is going to take time to save for it. Most of my engaged friends jumped right into it, set a date, spent all of thier money, took out loans, all within 6 months of being engaged, and now all of the what I would consider fun and exciting planning of it all is suddenly over.

They look down on my upcoming long engagement as well, but it is really none of thier business (unless they want to pitch in, ha!). I think everyone''s situation is different. If you need the extra time due to the reasons you had stated, then go for it. It is all about you and your fiance and your special day. Do what you need to do! I am sure the time will fly by anyhow, and it will be worth the wait!!

You and I should DEFINITELY talk and get together at some point--especially if we get engaged around the same time! I most certainly will need tips from others in similar shoes. Do you have an venues in mind? I love love love Tappan Hill and of course, the LightHouse at Chelsea Piers. Have you seen Gotham Hall? Gorgeous! Don''t think it would be right for my wedding but if you have some big bucks $$ to spend, its amazing.

I am in Bronxville, 5 min from New Rochelle!

Yes we should definitely get together! Anytime I am up for it!!

I know Tappan Hill is beautiful, I have never seen the LightHouse or Gotham Hall!! I am sure they are goregous and probably out of my price range, but I would LOVE to see them anyhow! I really love the Glen Island Harbor Club, a few of the other beach clubs along the sound in New Rochelle, and the Villa Barone Manor in Brewster. There are so many beautiful places! Let me know if you ever want to get coffee and maybe browse some rings or check out some venues for fun!!

 

[star sparkle]

Date: 5/7/2008 3:20:45 PM
Author: Bia
Yikes! It sounds like many of the LIW want to plan the wedding ASAP (As Soon As Proposal).


Maybe there is something wrong with me!

Ladies who plan to wait a bit, please tell me why you and SO have chosen to do so. I want to make sure my reasons are good ones.

My engagement will probably be around 17-18 months by the time we have our wedding. We got engaged last month and I''m leaving the state in like 10 days for 5 months of training on the other side of the country. I''ll get back late October/early November, and then we''ll start planning the wedding for Sept/Oct ''09.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 5/7/2008 8:44:31 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Freke- Im so sorry about your Mother!

Goodness, I hardly know what to say other than hope and pray that she will still be with you when that time comes. And I would assume your boyfriend knows your Mother's thoughts on the situation?

Thanks DG. He knows. I think that it's a concern for him, because his own mother passed away before she met me in Nov 2005, and now that he sees my mom going through what his mom did...It's just a crappy situation all the way around. She wants us to get engaged ASAP, and I understand why, but at the same time we're both students, I'll be in school for the next year and a half-ish and he'll be in school for the next 2-3 years. If we got married before either of us graduated, we wouldn't be able to support ourselves. My parents pay for everything for me as it is, while I'm in school. Granted, we don't have to pay rent because my parents own the place we live, but there are so many other things we have to worry about financially. And we can't get married before we can be mostly self-sufficient. Also, he'll be the major breadwinner. I'll just step into the job until he gets out of school.

I'm a bit lost. Which I'm sure you can tell...

 

[Deelight]

Date: 5/7/2008 6:49:51 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/7/2008 6:06:51 PM

Author: FrekeChild

Oh dear. This really hit home for me. As of the moment FF and I don't plan on getting engaged until Spring of 2009 AT THE EARLIEST-unless he tricks me.


We agreed that we'd want a 1-2 year engagement period which could be Spring 2010 or even Spring 2011. I personally want Fall 2010, but that's just me.


Regardless I don't want to get married until after I'm done with school-Fall 2010-if everything goes according to plan-because BFs income will screw up my financial aid, and I don't want to try to change my name for the stupid school records when I'm about to graduate.


He is a phd student who is about to finish his coursework in the Fall, and will then go on to do his Comprehensive Exams in early-mid Spring 2009. One of the reasons he wants to wait until Spring 2009 is so I don't drive him nuts with wedding planning right as he's trying to do Comps, so he won't propose before that. One of his friends got married Feb 29th and did her Comps in April-and her head almost exploded.



Now where this gets complicated is that my mom is sick. She has Stage 4 breast cancer and she is terrified that she won't live to see me get engaged or married (or graduate for that matter, but the other two seem more important to her for the moment) because of our time line. She would be thrilled if he proposed even, but the odds of that are not high. And the odds of her making it 2-3 more years aren't high either.



So, I'm stuck. BF won't budge on the time line, I don't really want to feel pressured into getting married sooner than I want to, but I desperately want her there. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to tell her?

I wish I did have a suggestion. That's a sucky situation.

Freke you poor bugger

*big hugs* I really don't know what to say I hope that your mum will still be here to see you get married. Is he open and are you to the thought of a loooong engagement no planning just enjoying being engaged? Or is that completely off the cards, does your mum know you both plan to get married would he be upset if you made her privy to your guys timeline?


I must be weird or everyone I know is

but two years is not a long engagement in my parts at all most venues here have to be booked 1.5-2 years in advance one of my friends is having a 7mth engagement and we were like WOAH thats really quick. We plan on getting engaged this year and have at least a 2 year engagement, as for a date I will have to liase with my orthodontist as to when my braces come off I don't want to get married in braces but I can't wait to flash my perfect teefers on my w-day

 

[tberube]

Reason #1 is enough reason to have a long engagement, and reason #2 just solidifies it. There''s nothing wrong with a long engagement - you''ll have more time to enjoy it, save money, and plan out the most beautiful wedding of your dreams.

Just do what you need to do, and rest easy knowing your coworkers don''t know crappola about what''s best for you.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I am sort of on the fence with this one - I understand wanting a long engagement especially when you can''t afford your perfect wedding or house etc... right away. At the same time I wonder what the point is in getting engaged if that is the case. Maybe the couple should actually wait until they can afford all those things before they think about marriage. As someone posted before, the whole point of getting engaged is to start planning a wedding... At the same time - most of you are right - venues do take FOREVER to book which is a royal pain in the A**, so even if you wanted to get married right away it may not happen. I guess what I am saying is as long as you actually start planning - like booking a venue etc.. and are just waiting for the date to roll around (1.5 years later) it is much different that having an engagement go on for an extended period of time with no planning etc...

Then again - to each their own. Whatever makes a couple happy is what''s best for them! I just think that young couples getting engaged for 5 years with no plans in site always looks a but rediculous.

 

[Bia]

Yes. It's funny because in a way, I agree with everyone...even opposing sides! I see how a long engagement might indicate that a couple isn't ready to get married (which is SORT of what it means) but in my case, it doesn't--sorry that made no sense.

We are together six years and are living together almost two. We both agree that it IS time to take the next step in our commitment to one another. Is it partly to appease other people? Well, I'd be lying if I said, flat out, "No." In a way, I DO want my family and friends to recognize that we are now ready to begin the process. But most importantly, I want to be able to call him my fiancé, not my BF...he just no longer feels like a BF--this is the man I love and the man I want to marry. We do everything like a married couple, so I think a formal engagement will make me, and our families, feel like it is for real. Not that its not now, but do you get what I mean?

The reasons to wait are more technicalities than anything except for, honestly, I would love to just be engaged for awhile. To feel it out. To see what its like to have made that declaration and not have to start stressing about wedding stuff. When the time is right to start, then we will be ready for what may come. School is a major factor. I am the type of person who stresses easily and can't have too many things on my plate at once. So to deal with school, work, and wedding planning (which, from what I've heard can be a full-time in itself)? I don't know that I could do it! Plus, baby brother is getting married later this year and I think giving our families some time in between would just be better for everyone.

It is good to hear different opinions on the matter--especially those of you who say 1 1/2 - 2 years is not that long! Everyone, I appreciate the sensitive posts...thank you.

Now to reply...

Dani: Yes, Tappan Hill is beautiful and maybe we can take a looksie at the others together? I have seen a few b/c my BF's sister got married a year and a half ago and we looked at some places. She ended up getting married at the NY Botanical Gardens in the BX (across from Fordham--where I work and go to school!) which was just lovely! His mother mentioned that maybe getting married at the chapel on the Fordham campus would be nice and then have the reception across the street...so its an idea if we decide to do a church ceremony. Funny you mentioned Glen Island...I was just there yesterday! BF and I started running a few months ago and that is one of our favorite places to take our pup when we go running...as a girl from the Cape (Mass) the sea air makes me so happy, even if it is only the LI Sound! I have seen the outside of the venue but never gotten close, although I imagine the pictures would be beautiful! Definitely, lets try and get up at some point!

Freke: Sweets, I was saddened to hear about your mother. I understand what it is to have a very ill parent. My father had renal failure and thankfully was given a second chance when he received a new kidney, but it was very hard when we didn't know what would happen. I sincerely hope that she improves, and if she does not, that she is able to share in your happiness at the wedding. I don't know your mother, so certainly I am not in a position to speak for her but I am sure that she would prefer your happiness over anything else and if you two wouldn't want to rush the wedding (just the engagement!!! hehe), then she'd probably have it that way. I don't know...I want to say the right thing and unfortunately in this situation, there is none. Know we are here for you

Megs: Agreed! There shouldn't be any one timeline set, but it just feels like that doesn't it? It's like people want you to just do it the right way...but WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY???!!!! The truth is, there isn't. This is a life decision and only I can know what is right in my situation. I always think I am rational person (I try to be) and I would expect my rational side to convince me, but there is always that part of me that cares what others would do. It's annoying! And listen, if you want to come, all my LIW are invited!!! For you all, I will make room

BigT: I AM WITH YOU THERE! I would much rather use our money (my own or our parents’) for a down payment on a house. We live in a co-op, and we love it but eventually we’d like a house. Houses in NY are so outrageous, just thinking about it makes me cringe! Who has a million dollars for a house? A not-so-great one at that!

If I forgot anyone, sorry! But I agree with you lol...

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 5/8/2008 8:51:14 AM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I am sort of on the fence with this one - I understand wanting a long engagement especially when you can''t afford your perfect wedding or house etc... right away. At the same time I wonder what the point is in getting engaged if that is the case. Maybe the couple should actually wait until they can afford all those things before they think about marriage. As someone posted before, the whole point of getting engaged is to start planning a wedding... At the same time - most of you are right - venues do take FOREVER to book which is a royal pain in the A**, so even if you wanted to get married right away it may not happen. I guess what I am saying is as long as you actually start planning - like booking a venue etc.. and are just waiting for the date to roll around (1.5 years later) it is much different that having an engagement go on for an extended period of time with no planning etc...

Then again - to each their own. Whatever makes a couple happy is what''s best for them! I just think that young couples getting engaged for 5 years with no plans in site always looks a but rediculous.

For me part of it was that people no longer question my relationship.

At 35, it was beginning to bug me that men would assume I was single because I had no rings on my fingers and relatives were starting to do the ''are you sure he''s in to you?''.

Since I got the ring, it''s been so easy and I don''t feel I have to defend my relationship.

That said, I had the deposit on the venue within a fortnight, so it wasn''t as if we were hanging around thinking about when we might get married. It''s also impossible to get a Saturday in less than 12 months and with 95% OOT guests that was essential.

That said I do agree on the 5 year engagement or the no date/plans made. I always wonder if there has been some kind of pressure to get engaged and then one party isn''t too keen on the actual marriage part.

 

[galeteia]

Heck, I am going to have a long engagement myself; probably somewhere in the range of 2-4 years, and it looks like we'll be getting officially engaged perhaps the next two or three years.

When we're ready to get married, he'll be done his Doctorate (3 of 5 years left) and working for a few years. We'll be paying for the wedding ourselves; I don't think my FILs would be too thrilled with a potluck reception.

Student loans will be paid down before we splurge on a big party, even if it is our wedding.

Why get engaged at all if you're not going to get married right away ... well, I agree with the posters who feel it's a step of progression as a couple and an announcement of your intentions to get married. Once you've declared you've chosen this person as the one you will marry, it doesn't invalidate that choice if you aren't barrelling off to get married ASAP.

If you get engaged to be married it's none of people's business if you get married four days or four years from now, in a house with a mouse, in a box with a fox, or have green eggs and ham as your reception dinner.

My situation is such that I can't empathize (I sympathize) with the frustrated girls in the LIW forum but I don't see the logic in dragging things out and having a girl suffer as the money has to be saved up for both an e-ring and a wedding before she can take comfort in the fact that her guy has told the world that they're serious! I completely agree that people should be certain they are going to get married before getting engaged, I just don't agree that people have be ready to sprint down the aisle before the proposal can happen.

LIWs deal with "he's not that into you", the embarrassment of introducing a 'boyfriend', lack of acknowledgement as a serious couple at functions, issues with self-worth, doubts about the relationship, etc etc, and a litany of stresses to strain a relationship. I plan to enjoy being engaged before I descend into the madness of wedding planning! Plus, I get to enjoy the process of planning without feeling like I was waiting forever for the ball to get rolling and then getting steamrolled instead when it did. I'll be DIYing everything from calligraphy to waterlcolours on the invites, and that takes time and love. I don't want to rush it.

I take great comfort in my promise ring as it's a sign that we're more than just 'boyfriend/girlfriend of the month' and that engagement and marriage is simply a matter of time and resources. When people ask, I explain he's in school and that we'll get officially engaged later. I've never had anyone give me guff.

So there's our reasons for waiting. Hope that helps!

 

[FrekeChild]

Galateia-I have a quick question and I don''t mean to threadjack, but I was wondering when you think you''ll no longer be a LIW? I know yours is a complicated situation, with you guys having to marry legally so that you can finally physically be together and live together...but will you reject the LIW once you guys become officially engaged? Or when you legally get married?

Are you excited though? Only one week left!!

 

[LaraOnline]

Aussies seem to think nothing of super, super long engagements ... like seven years or more. Super long engagements/ defacto arrangements seem to be worn as a badge of honour. Certainly, three years in not unusual. In fact, it seems more unusual to get married within the calender year! But I think overall we seem to be culturally turning to be slightly less cynical about weddings and marriage, the 80s and 90s seemed to be quite ''anti-marriage'', and now it''s catch-up time and ''everyone''s getting married''!

 

[CrookedRock]

I think that so long as your intentions are stated from the get-go that you guys intend to wait to have the wedding, then it''s all good. I say that bc my bf''s business partner and long time good friend has been engaged since 2005 and why they aren''t married yet or even picking a date is a relatively hot topic. Problem there is when it first happened they said nothing of the sort about waiting and actually said they wanted to do it sooner than later.... here we are 3 years later! BUt then again, they seem anything but happy so the talking probably stems more from that than anything else.
My best friend was recently engaged and she immediately told people she wanted to wait til he was done with school which put it about 1.5+years out. I think that''s they way to do! Do what is going to be best for you!

 

[Dandi]

I''m not a LIW but wanted to chime in on this topic, as I used to get a few raised eyebrows when discussing the length of our engagament with other people. My husband and I were engaged for 3 years before getting married. One reason was that we had just purchased a big block of land and were looking at plans to build a large house, in other words we''d embarked on a huge financial road together, and he wanted to make the committment ''official'' in his and everyone else''s eyes for that reason. Another reason was I was only 22, so not in any screaming hurry to tie the knot just then! I was thrilled to be engaged, though. Plus I didn''t love my job at that stage and wanted to change, but there was a bit of uncertainty as to when or where that would happen.

The main reason for it though, was that we wanted to be 100% set and comfortable into our mortgage paying lives before budgeting for a wedding, which we wanted to pay for gradually, and in cash, which we did. The end result? Absolutely no debt from the wedding, we easily paid for it in cash in various stages, and it was very low stress for both of us, as the planning was spread out over a number of months. Sure, we got a few sideways glances from people when we told them after getting engaged that we hadn''t set a wedding date yet, and that once it was set that it was so far away, but seriously, who cares. Better to be financially sound and 110% ready financially AND emotionally for the wedding than embarking on it before you really feel ready. Ultimately we lead very happy married lives and that''s all that matters, and you and your future hubby will too!!

I know it''s hard to deal with some people''s opinions sometimes, but do what''s right for you, as cliche'' as it sounds, it works!

 

[Dandi]

Date: 5/7/2008 2:02:39 PM
Author: Bia
Yes, I agree that it shouldn''t matter what others think. I just feel like, since I''ve turned 26 all I keep hearing is people asking me ''when?'' It''s annoying! I''m not even 30 yet, can''t I get some breathing room?!

Maybe since we''ve been together so long--actually I am almost certain that IS the reason people always ask so often. I just know myself. I''d love to do it 2010, when I know I will be done with school and probably working and making much better money. It makes sense to me. However I have family members asking about babies and such. It is like, ''Whooaaa...hold on a minute!''

I don''t know. It shouldn''t matter what others think about your personal timeline but for some reason, I always let people in...then they take over my brain!!!

KeepingTheFaith: I will likely get married in Westchester County which is just outside of NYC...however I may do a city wedding. It all depends on what type of budget we have to plan with. There are so many beautiful venues around but they all are expensive...its more a matter of just how espensive we can go, not if we will.

Oooh I hear you on that one darls, and now that we''re married I get hounded as to when I''m going to have a baby! And once we have one I guess I''ll get hounded about baby #2.

AHHHH!!!

 

[LaraOnline]

Hi there FrekeChild
just wanted to send my support to you as well
*virtual hug*

 

[galeteia]

Date: 5/11/2008 2:47:36 AM
Author: FrekeChild
Galateia-I have a quick question and I don''t mean to threadjack, but I was wondering when you think you''ll no longer be a LIW? I know yours is a complicated situation, with you guys having to marry legally so that you can finally physically be together and live together...but will you reject the LIW once you guys become officially engaged? Or when you legally get married?


Are you excited though? Only one week left!!

I''ll move from the LIW to the BIW forum when we get officially engaged. We''re keeping the legal marriage completely out of the process; when we get engaged and eventually married it will be on our terms and not at the dictation of a government.

I view it as something similar to buying a house together or signing a lease; stating we''re serious about shacking up with an eye to getting married further down the line. I think that an engagement timeline would be about two years from now, but he might surprise me. Who knows? It''s an adventure.

As for excited ... I bounce between stressed over the mountain of last-minute details pending resolution, excited to finally be back together, and grieving over leaving my mother (with whom I am very, very close) and my dearest friends.

DandiAndi, props to you for paying for your wedding in cash while managing a huge financial investment like a house! No debt, and relaxed planning. That''s showin'' us how it''s done!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/11/2008 12:37:51 PM
Author: Galateia
MAY 18th BABY! LDR NO MORE!

Time elapsed: 24 months of separation hell
Cost of process: 3k
Finally being together: Priceless

Can I just tell you how INSANELY excited I am for you?!!!!!!

MAY 18TH!!!!!! Almost here!!!

 

[FrekeChild]

Thank you Lara. I really appreciate it.

 

[claireabelle]

you (hopefully) only get married once - so take all the time you need to make sure it''s YOUR perfect day.

 

[Dandi]

Date: 5/11/2008 12:37:51 PM
Author: Galateia

DandiAndi, props to you for paying for your wedding in cash while managing a huge financial investment like a house! No debt, and relaxed planning. That''s showin'' us how it''s done!

Thankyou so much, pet! It worked for us!

And bring on May 18th!! I''ve been following your story and am MEGA thrilled for you!!

 

[Dandi]

And Freke, I''ve been thinking about you alot since the news of your mum broke here, and you''ll stay in my thoughts. Best wishes to you and your family.