Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

My friend: "I'm sick of being single!"

Lanie

Lanie

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2008
Messages
1,793
My friend just wrote me this very sad email about how she's still single, and how everyone around her is getting married and having babies, and I wanted advice on what to tell her. I'm married with my first baby myself, and as one of my best friends, she feels comfortable confiding in me even though I'm not in her situation. She has actually never had a boyfriend. The longest she has dated anyone has been a couple of weeks, and she has only dated a handful of guys.

I just want help in cheering her up. She's 32, average looking, VERY smart, has a masters degree, lots of fun, stylish, extremely loyal. But she's not the type of girl that a guy would ask out immediately...it would take him time to see her true inner beauty to really fall for her (if that makes sense). We have a very close group of friends that is made up of married people and single people, and she gets along with everyone of us just fine. She doesn't want to try match or eharmony for some reason, even though I tell her to do it all the time. She's afraid she'll find a loser on there. I told her that the beauty of those is that you can pick and chose who you go out with. If you don't want to go out with anyone at all, that's your choice.

If I can be honest, she always has crushes on guy friends who are out of her league. Every once in awhile, a new single guy friend will come around, who seems very sweet, nice, good guy, but she's not interested because he's not that cute. She says "I've been single for so long and I'm not just going to settle at this point".

I've tried telling her to join a church single group, but she thinks there will be losers there as well.

It's lots of excuses, and she's a very positive person, and I just want to see her happy! Any ideas or things I can say to make her feel better? It doesn't help that V'day was yesterday. :rolleyes:
 
Lanie|1297788316|2852358 said:
Every once in awhile, a new single guy friend will come around, who seems very sweet, nice, good guy, but she's not interested because he's not that cute. She says "I've been single for so long and I'm not just going to settle at this point".
:
Click to expand...

I will tell her that with that attitude she is going to be single forever. If she is not willing to not focus in the looks of someone and get to know the person for what is really worth, how does she expect someone else is going to do for her what she is not willing to do. Not every couple starts with a huge attraction. Sometimes takes a few dates to get to know the person and to find the person irresistible. I dated a guy that when I met him I thought he was a not good-looking guy at all. After a get to know him, and his personality I found him, very attractive, his brain make him looked very hot and his smile illuminated my world. And that was after I thought he was pretty ugly :lol: .
 
If you've already suggested a few places/online sites where she can meet guys and she's not into those ideas, she probably won't listen to any other advice you give her. Sounds like she wants a magical & easy solution and unless you know of a guy who you think would be a good match, then it doesn't make sense to feel obligated to help her. She's 32 and is old enough to figure out things on her own!

You can always go to a few bars if she's up for that. lol
 
Good luck!

I'm having the same conversation with a male friend right now and its not going well. I'm giving him the tough love approach. That he is single because he doesn't make an effort to meet people. The perfect girl isn't just going to walk in to his apartment and start playing Rock Band with him. He also has a habit of going for the super gorgeous and popular girl when he is average looking and sort of geeky. I have explained time and time again that the super awesome popular girl usually has very nice and interesting friends who he should at least consider. He doesn't want to settle for anything but a girl who fits the prom queen stereotype. He's passing over many wonderful people because of this.

I don't know if you can say anything to really make her feel better. Based on your explanation, it seems like she's afraid to have a relationship (ie she crushes after guys she can't be with, refuses to online date). Maybe suggest she date some "frogs" (guys who are perfectly lovely, but not her physical ideal) to get more dating experience under her belt? Treat it like a fun experiment and see if anything sticks? I really have no idea.
 
Lanie, your suggestions about eharmony and a church group were spot on. It almost sounds to me like she's sabotaging her chances at finding love, for some reason. The thing about crushing on guys who are out of her league or not interested fits in with that too.

My suggestion would that she go to counseling and find out why she says she wants to find love but isn't willing to put herself out there. I can imagine it would be very scary to be 32 and not really know how to have a relationship. She might be scared of physical and emotional intimacy with a man. She might feel like it's "too late."

If she's unwilling to go all the obvious routes that you've suggested, then she's either got to come to terms with her singleness or change her approach.
 
I wouldn't settle, and neither should she. I'd be single forever first, happily. Nothing lonelier than being with the wrong person.

Maybe she should go to counselling, but to find out more about why she is looking for a mate, rather than why she doesn't yet have one- is it because she genuinely wants one, or because she thinks she ought to have one? Because it sounds like she's keen on the idea, but not the reality.

It's fine to be single, it's a positive choice for some people. I'd encourage her to explore whether that is actually her choice.
 
suchende|1297791229|2852419 said:
Maybe recommend "Marry Him - The Case For Mr. Good Enough" or link her to this: http://www.villagevoice.com/2011-02-09/news/dear-single-women-of-nyc-it-s-not-them-it-s-you/
Click to expand...
:appl: Totally agree! :appl: Have bought this for many of my single gfs. It's a great perspective that doesn't push "settling" but rather makes the case for expectations that are grounded in love like "must be a kind person" rather than in superficial qualities like "must have a six pack!" However, it seems like these days more people want the six pack or supermodel looks with a size 2 figure over internal qualities...that or they think they will get and deserve both. How many supermodels do you personally know who are super intelligent, cultured, warm and kind, have a great sense of humor, are in line with your views on finances and family, share your religious beliefs (or lack thereof), share your obsession with Star Wars, are loyal, get along with your family, don't hate cats, love art and travel.....AND happen to be attracted to you? I mean, really?! And yet people seem to think this magical person (unicorn) is out here and will magically drop into their laps. I think the key shouldn't be looking for the perfect person, but the perfect person FOR YOU. And I think single people these days feel too entitled to something wildly unrealistic or are secretly afraid of falling in love with someone REAL... as in a real person with real flaws, which can be a wonderful incredible thing! Maybe people are more in love with the fantasy because it feels safer and therefore don't want to risk falling in love with a real person?
 
She needs to learn to be happy being single and just live life assuming she will stay that way.

Not to say that I don't understand that many people don't want to live their lives single, and want to find that special someone...I do. I get it. And usually to do that, you have to put yourself out there.

But I think it works best when you put yourself out there as a happy single person. When one has the mentality that your friend does, such WEIGHT is given to every person you meet, every chance of *possibility*. Every single male is sized up to a mental checklist of "qualities needed in a husband/long term partner/etc" vs just someone who might be interesting to talk to for the moment. Three dates and you wanna know "where this relationship" is going instead of you being a happy single girl who has gone out on 3 great dates. There's so much less enjoyment in the living, and way too much energy spent on the plotting and fretting.

When an unhappy single woman meets an unhappy single man, he almost always gets dismissed as desperate. Well, she needs to understand that she will come across that way to Mr. Happy to Be Single (but who every woman wants to convert). I don't think she should settle, but I do think she needs to stop looking through a magnifying glass and slip on some cool shades and chill.

People who are single and unhappy come across and single and unhappy. It's not an attractive vibe. Be single, be happy, and live life for yourself and ENJOY it. People are drawn to people who are confident, and being happy in your skin and place in this world help to radiate positive energy.

Btw, I could have written that post you wrote EXACTLY for a girl I know. I met her when she was 22, and she had this mentality being unhappy as single way back then. She's now 33 and still single.
 
You might want to encourage your friend to find a group activity she really enjoys. It's so much easier to connect with someone when you've got something you really love in common. She could take dance lessons, train for a marathon, join a photography club - anything fun where she can meet lots of people on a weekly basis or so. FWIW, I always used to be surprised at the number of really cute singles that would volunteer at Meals on Wheels or beach clean-up events.

Good luck to your friend!
 
TravelingGal said:
Btw, I could have written that post you wrote EXACTLY for a girl I know. I met her when she was 22, and she had this mentality being unhappy as single way back then. She's now 33 and still single.
Click to expand...
I know SEVERAL who fit the bill and are 40+ and still single. I will say that those I know HAVE had significant boyfriends.

With your friend ... I do wonder if its "late bloomer syndrome". She's sabotaging and making excuses partly to keep herself safe from the scary prospect of intimacy and rejection. T H E R A P Y. Look into it! (I know from experience ... I was 27 when I had my first *serious boyfriend* and that was AFTER about six months of therapy.) Vibes you throw out are powerful things. I was really sending a "stay away from me" vibe, despite being relatively pretty & dressing well & socializing & living in a big city etc. When my INSIDES changed, when my MIND changed ... my VIBE changed. Oh, and when my MIND changed ... so did my EXPECTATIONS. I became a lot more open to "people with benign flaws". As I realized *i* too was chock full of 'em. :bigsmile:
 
Honestly, the first thing I thought when I read your friend's story is that she's a lesbian. The whole "huge crush on guy way too hot for her" is EXACTLY what a friend of mine used to do until she came out.

That said, she came out when she was probably 22 or so, so it's obviously a different situation. Either way, the excuse-making is probaby covering up for something serious, whether it's sexual orientation or not. I'm with deco-therapy is where your friend needs to be.
 
Also, maybe there is feedback you could give her - if she's open to it? Could you give her some constructive feedback on things that might be turning men away? I have a few friends who are amazing women but exhibit behaviors that might turn men off. For example, I have a friend who refuses to pay for anything...ever. She won't even offer and doesn't ever reciprocate with game tickets or a sweater, just something to show she appreciates the person she's dating. So men usually stop calling because they assume she's selfish or taking them for a ride. She's not selfish at all, just very old fashioned.

Another friend covers her house and desk at work with pictures of her cats. Her Facebook photos have hundreds and hundreds of photos of her cats, which are very cute. But for some reason, men seem to think that's a red flag when all she talks about are her cats. Maybe there are little things that we do (because we're all weirdos to some extent) that might be sending the wrong signal? I know I'd appreciate it if as a single person, someone would give me some constructive feedback on anything I was doing to send the wrong message.

Also, her views (fears) that people on eHarmony or Match are "losers" kind of tells me that she's either afraid of intimacy and real human beings with flaws or is very judgmental. I wouldn't call anyone looking for love a loser...there's someone for everyone, right? Also, I have two friends who recently met and married through eHarmony and they are spectacular human beings! Everyone's a weirdo to some extent and to accept oneself means accepting others, beautiful flaws and all. Look at this board - we're weirdos who obsess about prongs and arrrows... we all have our little "things" but that doesn't make us freaks! LOL...OK, maybe diamond freaks!
 
If she's not making an effort to be as smokin' hot as possible, she can't afford to be choosy. Hot, non-losery guys don't just fall into your lap.

And that's how Sue C's it.
 
JulieN|1297799414|2852529 said:
If she's not making an effort to be as smokin' hot as possible, she can't afford to be choosy. Hot, non-losery guys don't just fall into your lap.

And that's how Sue C's it.
Click to expand...


Like Button.
 
Alternatively, you could remind her that she's cute, smart and funny, far too good to settle, and that she doesn't want to be tied up in a 'good enough' relationship when she meets the right person.

I exhibit all sorts of behaviour that would turn men off. There's a whole long list of stuff. Doesn't mean I didn't find the right person to marry. She doesn't need men, she needs one man (or woman) who enjoys her for who and what she is. (or not, of course.)
 
JulieN|1297799414|2852529 said:
If she's not making an effort to be as smokin' hot as possible, she can't afford to be choosy. Hot, non-losery guys don't just fall into your lap.

And that's how Sue C's it.
Click to expand...
They do sometimes. When you least expect it. I married one. ;))
 
Jennifer W|1297799538|2852532 said:
Alternatively, you could remind her that she's cute, smart and funny, far too good to settle, and that she doesn't want to be tied up in a 'good enough' relationship when she meets the right person.

I exhibit all sorts of behaviour that would turn men off. There's a whole long list of stuff. Doesn't mean I didn't find the right person to marry. She doesn't need men, she needs one man (or woman) who enjoys her for who and what she is. (or not, of course.)
Click to expand...
I dunno. There's a difference between settling for someone who isn't the best fit for you and having unrealistic expectations from a relationship/partner. If she's unhappy and doesn't pursue people who are interested in her, she probably needs to do something more than just wait for Mr. Right.
 
Jennifer W|1297799704|2852533 said:
JulieN|1297799414|2852529 said:
If she's not making an effort to be as smokin' hot as possible, she can't afford to be choosy. Hot, non-losery guys don't just fall into your lap.

And that's how Sue C's it.
Click to expand...
They do sometimes. When you least expect it. I married one. ;))
Click to expand...

Ha, ditto-the same thing happened to me! :cheeky:
 
I'd recommend a good therapist.
 
T-Gal and Bliss hit the nail on the head.

I don't think that she should settle either. But she should not only look for one "type" of guy either.

When I met my husband, I thought he was very cute and very sweet. However, I didn't feel that "spark" right off the bat. We met a few times in social situations with friends. I knew he was interested, but I was not interested in him. We then went out a few times, and somewhere along the way in the second date, I felt the "spark" and have been feeling it for 22 years now. I am so glad that I did go out with him, even though at first I didn't think it was going to be a match.

My advice to her would be to be open to everyone. I'm not saying that she should date someone for months if she can't stand the sight of him, but sometimes the chemistry is there,even if it isn't apparent right away. I wish her love and luck!
 
phoenixgirl|1297790522|2852405 said:
Lanie, your suggestions about eharmony and a church group were spot on. It almost sounds to me like she's sabotaging her chances at finding love, for some reason. The thing about crushing on guys who are out of her league or not interested fits in with that too.
My suggestion would that she go to counseling and find out why she says she wants to find love but isn't willing to put herself out there. I can imagine it would be very scary to be 32 and not really know how to have a relationship. She might be scared of physical and emotional intimacy with a man. She might feel like it's "too late."
If she's unwilling to go all the obvious routes that you've suggested, then she's either got to come to terms with her singleness or change her approach.
Click to expand...
Ditto this.
 
Jennifer W|1297799538|2852532 said:
Alternatively, you could remind her that she's cute, smart and funny, far too good to settle, and that she doesn't want to be tied up in a 'good enough' relationship when she meets the right person.

I exhibit all sorts of behaviour that would turn men off. There's a whole long list of stuff. Doesn't mean I didn't find the right person to marry. She doesn't need men, she needs one man (or woman) who enjoys her for who and what she is. (or not, of course.)
Click to expand...

I agree that its important to be content with yourself before you meet the right person. I also agree that you don't need to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one.

The only issue I see here is expectations. It sounds like this friend is excluding anyone who doesn't look like they walked off of a magazine cover. I can picture her picking apart a guy's appearance and ignoring his personality. I do think you need to be attracted to your partner, but surely there is a balance here? I'm thinking here of the guy friend I mentioned above. If the girl doesn't have big boobs and a tiny waist he's not interested. He goes after a physical ideal, but its not like he's ~insert hot male celeb's name here~. He will fixate on a beautiful girl and ignore all other girls. It seems to be a cycle where he will develop a crush on a girl, try to get to know her, and then decide they have nothing in common. The entire process takes about 1 year per girl. Meanwhile perfectly nice, funny, smart, and pretty girls will be interested in him. He actually discounted one recently because she was "huge" at least a size 5 :roll:

If Lanie's friend is similar, I can see why she's never really dated before. The appearance of a potential partner comes before personality and true compatibility. Add crushes on guys who aren't interested and its a recipe for singlehood.
 
If she's not willing to look past someone's looks why should they be? I love my husband with all my heart, does he look like a supermodel? Nope, do I care? Nope. I don't either. You have to be willing to give people a chance, if you're not, then don't complain about being alone!
 
kenny|1297800621|2852549 said:
I'd recommend a good therapist.
Click to expand...

I have this friend, too- a close friend from college who has changed SO much over the years. And she recently told me she has been to twenty therapists :o :o but she feels better talking to me, since I knew her when she was her "old self." Yikes. I feel for these women, but it is so difficult to really help them.
 
princesss|1297804958|2852606 said:
Also, point her towards this article: http://www.7x7.com/love-sex/ladies-pining-relationship-fret-not. I found it really interesting (and very much along the lines of TGal's great advice).
Click to expand...

"No perfume in the world is sexier than confidence"- love it! Great article, Princesss.

Lanie, I think your friend might be missing some of the benefits of Match.com and similar sites. It's not always about finding the perfect guy. I had been single for a while (5-6 years?) when I met my now FI. I was attracted to him almost immediately but he was taken and I think my vibes were probably pretty desperate. Since he wasn't single, I decided I needed some practice dating. I joined a Match.com equivalent and went on loads of dates with people: some lovely, some awful, most in between. I was prepared to start a relationship with someone and eventually got involved with an awful guy who was REALLY bad for me (told you I was desperate!). Long story short, I finally got rid of this awful guy and mentioned this while I was at the coffee shop with the boys. Turns out my now-FI got dumped by his long term girlfriend the same day. I will admit that put a smile on my face! He asked me out the next week :appl:

I genuinely don't think he would have seen me as "partner" material had I not gained some confidence dating other people. Eau de Desperation is not pretty in my experience. Maybe you could encourage your friend to get some practice with other people, having low/no expectation that she'll meet the love of her life?
 
Wow, you're describing one of my closest friends down to a T. I've never been able to find the right argument myself, so I'm at a loss as to suggestions, sadly. (Mine won't go to therapy, either, so that's out, too.) That said, I kind of hated the premise of Gottleib's book, violently. I read the original Atlantic article (http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/), and spent a week FUMING. The fact of the matter is, sentiments like these?

"Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way. "

Could only be spoken by someone who hadn't had the experience of a happy marriage.

I do think that people like our friends, people who have unrealistically high standards for their potential partners but who expect to be loved for their inner beauty, need to reconsider the hypocrisy of it all, but I don't think that's the same as "settling." Brr, just the word gives me the shakes. A lifetime of sex with someone you don't desire: if that's not a recipe for disaster, what is?
 
"Why You're Not Married"

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
 
Honestly, the lesbian thing occurred to me too. But if she's not, it'll certainly make your relationship awkward if you mention it (if she is, you might be doing her a huge favor). I had a roommate in college who'd never had a relationship either. She was from Annapolis and she was always going out on blind dates with Naval Academy cadets but found fault with all of them. Plus she was super religious, so she would not have been open to finding herself to be a homosexual. In a less than classy moment when we were having an argument, I mentioned that our other roommate had thrown out the "lesbian" theory due to her lack of relationship history. Needless to say, it did not go over well. We're no longer friends today.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top