My friend: "I'm sick of being single!"

[suchende]

"Why You're Not Married"

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

This describes quite a few of my female friends, but they just aren't open to hearing it. I've started to think there's an element of narcissism: they only want a real relationship if it's the result of having converted an "unavailable" guy.

 

[iLander]

"Why You're Not Married"

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

LOVE THAT ARTICLE! So true, sad to say. I know a woman who is well over 50, never married, and frankly, she's just a b!tch. She's judgemental, critical, doesn't give anyone an inch and she's plain rude and mean when she's stressed. I've worked with her for years, listened to her talk about her crushes on guys, but they are just turned off by these comments that she makes (she thinks they're clever). I've often found that people that are mean or self-centered because no one has ever been mean to them. They don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end. So some women are just mean.

I'm not saying the OP's friend is mean, I'm just commenting on the article.

 

[iLander]

Responding to the OP:

Sounds like she suffers from Groucho Marx syndrome: he said "I would never want to join a club that would have someone like me as a member".

It's low self esteem. She's rejecting everyone normal (before they reject her) and aiming for the unattainable (no chance of rejection, since they won't look at her).

ETA: This line of hers-- "I've been single for so long and I'm not just going to settle at this point"--you're going to be hearing that from her when she's 50.

 

[Gypsy]

I have a friend like this. I think the articles people linked to are spot on (makes me itch to forward them to her).

I got very lucky with my husband... is he rich? No. Is he talk, dark and drop dead gorgeous? No. Does he have the Harvard resume? No. But I wasn't marrying his money, or his looks, or his resume. I was marrying him. And one thing he has is character. And it was a shining beacon and I'm just so glad I was open enough to see it.

I was also at a stage where I wasn't looking for forever, I was happy being single. You've gotten a lot of advice here.

Much is of it going to be hard to deliver and harder to hear. I think you have a decision to make... how honest are you going to be with her?

My friend... well, she's been so self absorbed and such a poor friend to me I'm not inclined to put a mirror in front of her face and point out her pimples to help her. I just send her a holiday card in December and a birthday card in Novemeber. But if this person is your best friend... sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

((HUGS))

 

[Sha]

Alternatively, you could remind her that she's cute, smart and funny, far too good to settle, and that she doesn't want to be tied up in a 'good enough' relationship when she meets the right person.

I exhibit all sorts of behaviour that would turn men off. There's a whole long list of stuff. Doesn't mean I didn't find the right person to marry. She doesn't need men, she needs one man (or woman) who enjoys her for who and what she is. (or not, of course.)

I agree that its important to be content with yourself before you meet the right person. I also agree that you don't need to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one.

The only issue I see here is expectations. It sounds like this friend is excluding anyone who doesn't look like they walked off of a magazine cover. I can picture her picking apart a guy's appearance and ignoring his personality. I do think you need to be attracted to your partner, but surely there is a balance here? I'm thinking here of the guy friend I mentioned above. If the girl doesn't have big boobs and a tiny waist he's not interested. He goes after a physical ideal, but its not like he's ~insert hot male celeb's name here~. He will fixate on a beautiful girl and ignore all other girls. It seems to be a cycle where he will develop a crush on a girl, try to get to know her, and then decide they have nothing in common. The entire process takes about 1 year per girl. Meanwhile perfectly nice, funny, smart, and pretty girls will be interested in him. He actually discounted one recently because she was "huge" at least a size 5

If Lanie's friend is similar, I can see why she's never really dated before. The appearance of a potential partner comes before personality and true compatibility. Add crushes on guys who aren't interested and its a recipe for singlehood.

Totally agree with this!

 

[Haven]

There's so much good advice in this thread.

It sounds like your friend is looking for honest advice from you since she sent that email, and I would definitely take this opportunity to try to give her some insight. Maybe go out with her and see if she's ready to hear some honest feedback from you.

I have a group of friends from college who are in a similar situation. They are all great women in their early 30s, but they've been single since college, mainly because they refuse to "settle" for any guy who isn't (fill in any number of unrealistic expectations here.) The problem is that what they see as settling is a huge hurdle to them because their expectations about the TYPE of man they want to date are completely unrealistic, and frankly, shallow.

I also think the advice to work on herself first is spot on. Nobody wants to date someone who is only focused on finding someone. How boring. People want to date people who have interests and ideas and passions.

I'd tell her to give the dating websites a shot. I met my husband on a dating website. He's amazing. And so am I. It can happen.

 

[swingirl]

If your friend has never meet one single guy whom she's clicked with for more than a few weeks, the problem isn't the lack of eligible good-looking bachelors. It's her. There's probably nothing you can tell her other than to start taking baby steps by dating the "losers" (that she is too good for), and work her way up to dating her equal.

 

[Lanie]

Thank you ladies for all of the replies. I just wrote her back a long email and told her I was going to be honest, and that she might not like what she has to hear.

Funny thing is that she hangs out a lot with 2 other girls who haven't been on dates for many years. The other 2 girls have never had a boyfriend either. One is a virgin at 32. Not something you see every day. I told her if she keeps hanging out exclusively with these other 2 girls, that she won't have the opportunity to meet someone else. And these girls are both above average attractiveness, they have good jobs, very educated, very social, and very normal, down to earth girls. They are more okay with being single (or it seems that way) than my friend.

And regarding if she's a lesbian, I highly, highly doubt it. She has been physical with several guys. Not that that means anything, but she only expresses interest in guys, and has never given me reason to think she might be a lesbian. Scared of the physical parts of a relationship, maybe.

I have several guy friends who are in their early 30's who are the same way. They only want the perfect girl. A girl comes along that I think is nice, and isn't necessarily HOT, but they don't look twice at her. It's so sad that they are so judgemental. And none of them are Brad Pitts. They have plenty of flaws.

Now that I think of it, my single friends are mostly hung up on looks. That, or finding that perfect person who has the spark, who has the common interests, that Unicorn Bliss was talking about! Whoever said that they didn't have that spark on the first couple of dates, but it developed later...that's the key. People need to lower their expectations!

 

[lliang_chi]

I hear what you're saying Lanie, but I've found the phrase "lowering your expectations" doesn't go over well. I tend to use "keep an open mind" to my friends. Same general concept, but less negatively charged.

I have friends that are still single. For some I think it's just bad timing. Others, when I watch them, I feel like they're constantly trying to prove something. I'm so smart, I'm so cultured, I'm so pretty, etc. Y'know be happy with who you are, and if you spend the whole time talking about how you're so whatever: (1) He/She is going to think you're conceited, and for some people that's actually true or (2) Going to be tired of competing with you. It's not a contest it's a date. Y'know? Anyway, that's just another thing I've observed.

~LC

 

[monarch64]

I hear what you're saying Lanie, but I've found the phrase "lowering your expectations" doesn't go over well. I tend to use "keep an open mind" to my friends. Same general concept, but less negatively charged.

I have friends that are still single. For some I think it's just bad timing. Others, when I watch them, I feel like they're constantly trying to prove something. I'm so smart, I'm so cultured, I'm so pretty, etc. Y'know be happy with who you are, and if you spend the whole time talking about how you're so whatever: (1) He/She is going to think you're conceited, and for some people that's actually true or (2) Going to be tired of competing with you. It's not a contest it's a date. Y'know? Anyway, that's just another thing I've observed.

~LC

I completely agree with you, LC. There should be nothing to prove, or no competition, on dates! Even in terms of meeting with friends, I have seen the same thing--there are usually 1-2 people in a group setting who feel like they have to contribute more to the conversation, talk themselves up more, really sell themselves and it's really obvious who those people are in that sort of setting. There is such a difference in being self-confident and just being an insecure a$$hole. That's really tough to say to someone who is supposed to be a friend of yours, though, and it's another thing that doesn't go over well when pointed out. In my experience, people cut from that sort of cloth find themselves drawn to each other inevitably, and end up being the insecure a$$hole couple.

I'm not trying to imply that your friend who sent you this email is a terrible person and will never find happiness, or that you should tell her the sort of blunt things I wrote above. I'm just saying that certain people have a victim mentality and will likely never "get" that they themselves are the problem as far as attracting potential mates! If your friend feels that she is above meeting someone online and you've gone so far as to suggest even more avenues (meetup.com, book clubs, wine clubs, toastmasters, sports groups, and the like) then she probably nneeds to really examine why she isn't open to that sort of thing. Putting oneself outside of what one would normally do to seek out a mate doesn't mean that one is settling! It means having the actual confidence to take a chance or a risk in life that has nothing to do with a school advisor/counselor, a financial advisor, etc. It means doing the work on your own and anticipating a positive result. Alas, some people just don't have it in them. In your shoes, I would make the suggestions and leave it at that. She's likely expecting you to play matchmaker and anyone you supply her with isn't going to fit the bill anyway.

Happiness and love come when you are happy with yourself and love yourself, never when you are seeking out someone else to make your life complete.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Thank you ladies for all of the replies. I just wrote her back a long email and told her I was going to be honest, and that she might not like what she has to hear.

Funny thing is that she hangs out a lot with 2 other girls who haven't been on dates for many years. The other 2 girls have never had a boyfriend either. One is a virgin at 32. Not something you see every day. I told her if she keeps hanging out exclusively with these other 2 girls, that she won't have the opportunity to meet someone else. And these girls are both above average attractiveness, they have good jobs, very educated, very social, and very normal, down to earth girls. They are more okay with being single (or it seems that way) than my friend.

And regarding if she's a lesbian, I highly, highly doubt it. She has been physical with several guys. Not that that means anything, but she only expresses interest in guys, and has never given me reason to think she might be a lesbian. Scared of the physical parts of a relationship, maybe.

I have several guy friends who are in their early 30's who are the same way. They only want the perfect girl. A girl comes along that I think is nice, and isn't necessarily HOT, but they don't look twice at her. It's so sad that they are so judgemental. And none of them are Brad Pitts. They have plenty of flaws.

Now that I think of it, my single friends are mostly hung up on looks. That, or finding that perfect person who has the spark, who has the common interests, that Unicorn Bliss was talking about! Whoever said that they didn't have that spark on the first couple of dates, but it developed later...that's the key. People need to lower their expectations!

I actually have to disagree on that last. Actually, I'm pretty sure I agree with the sentiment, but not the phrasing - I think I believe more that people should be wider in their perspective rather than lowering their expectations, per se.

On one hand, I do feel a bit of sympathy with your friend - as a single girl myself, I'm also looking for The Guy. The one who gets me, is smart, funny, kind, financially stable, ambitious, caring, and good-looking to boot. I'm also all about not having to "settle."

That said, it is important, as many people have said, to be realistic in your expectations (to put it crudely, a 3 is not going to bag a 10 (not saying your friend is a 3 btw, just a random example) and be able to look beyond physical attributes to see the person beyond.

What I'm getting out of your story about your friend is that she's a bit one-sided in her expectations - haven't looked in the mirror lately. Not to be too mean, but how does she expect guys to see past HER average appearance if she won't do the same? Yeah, I want a hot guy too, but I don't expect to date the next Alexander Skarsgard or something (drool btw). It's just a hard, fine line to walk.

I think she needs to realize that if she keeps going the way she is, she WILL end up single and lonely, BUT she still has the power to change that, and the ability to change the course of her future rests with her.

And to reiterate what others have said - people can tell when you're an unhappy single person, or when you're a happy confident single person. When I was an unhappy single person post-break-up trust me, I did not have guys hitting on me (and I'm pretty damn cute). When I'm happy single person, people can sense it and the confidence you exhibit draws them to you.

And finally, FWIW I think it's great that you're willing to not just console her but that you're also willing to help her by helping her face the actual situation. I think your approach - the honesty approach that is - is spot-on and kudos to you for being a good friend.