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My Grandparent Suck!

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IndiBlue

IndiBlue

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Nov 4, 2005
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Background: My FI and I have been together for the last 5.5 yrs- He''s black and I''m white. About 6 months into our relationship my great uncle died- at the funeral my dad''s parents told me that I shouldn''t mix with people outside my race and that I''m going to hell. That obviously hurt,so I didn''t have much to do with them for a while. Last year at my cousins wedding they were extremely nice to me even asking how my "friend" was doing- so I thought, at the very least, there is some hope there.

Well, my dad has been working on his part of the guest list and last night he talked to his parents about the wedding and they told him that they will refuse to come or have anything to do with it.

My intial thought was, "their loss"- but- My poor dad! He doesn''t deserve to have them treat him this way!

My Grandparents Suck!
 
Sorry you''re going through this.

People really are idiots -- family or not.
 
This is awful... I''m so sorry it''s happening to you!
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Sending some good vibes your way.
 
NASTY. THis is 2006, and I am so ashamed and disgusted that this goes on now...how ignorant, no offense to them, but I am just appalled that they would actually take this stance...good luck...
 
Don''t be too hard on your grandparents. Sometimes it''s hard for people to get past the color of ones skin. I''d suggest that you and your fiancee spend more time with them so they can get to know him for the man he is, and not just see a "black man". Good luck.
 
There is no justification for their behavior!

Last year my cousin married a wonderful man from Columbia and they went to her wedding! I''m really peeved that they could be this selfish and ignorant. They come from a small town where their values (albeit WRONG) are never challenged.

Without ever even meeting my FI and his family they have written them and me off.
 
urgh, how frustrating! they should be rejoicing that you found love have happiness! HUGSSS during this painful time.
 
So sorry, IndiBlue -- that sucks indeed!! Hopefully they''ll come around and realize that their bigotry is going to cost them their relationship with their granddaughter (and great-grandkids someday?). A friend of mine was more or less disowned by her parents for marrying someone they "disapproved" of for similar reasons, and eventually they did come around to see that family is family -- no matter what color, religion, or age! -- and that that is more important than anything else!

True love looks beyond nationality, religion, gender, age .... too bad not all people can be that open-minded!

Good luck, Indi!
 
Trust me- I know where you are coming from. I am black and my fiance is white. We have fabulous, non-predjudice families that don''t care about color. I could be blue and he could be orange as long as we''re happy. And my extended family is from the south where you still have lots of African-Americans that don''t like the idea of dating outside your race, but they don''t care either. However, whenever we go out, we will still get looks and sometimes comments from TOTAL STRANGERS. It may be 2006, but plenty of people are still raised this way. It''s too sad for words. Once someone has a twisted reason to hate you, it will never go away, no matter how much time you spend with them, live your life well, be a college graduate, have a good job... being black I''ve gone through this more times than I can count with friends'' parents.

It''s a shame that your grandparents would push their ignorant POV and put your dad and you in this position.
 
Indi, that is so sad, and so unfair. I''m sorry you have to deal with that, but at least your dad is accepting, that counts for something. I can''t imagine how frustrating that is, in my family we''re basically the United Nations, but it''s hard to explain how my cousins are black and japanese and english. So sorry... *hugs*
 
I''m so sorry you are going through this! They don''t deserve any attention for their ghastly behavior. Carry on with your plans and try not to agonize over the decision they made to exclude themselves. Your wedding should be attended by people that love and care for you, individually and as a couple, and if they can''t support the choice you made, they don''t belong there. They may come to their senses before the big day, but don''t even waste a second worrying about them not being there. They want attention and validation for their feelings and they don''t deserve either. What matters here is that you and your FI have found each other, fallen in love, and plan to spend your lives together. Anybody that doesn''t want to celebrate that does not belong at your wedding!
 
I''m just a little bit sad for me- but mostly I''m sad for my dad. He''s come a long way on this race issue and loves my FI more then he could have imagined 6 yrs ago- so he know where they are coming from, but that doesn''t mean it doesn''t still hurt!

nytemist- I think it''s easier for strangers to not approve then family!

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement! and a place to vent!
 
Are you very close with your grandparents? Do you see them often?

This is a tough one.
When my mother (Irish) married my father (Italian) her father wouldn''t attend the wedding.
He wasn''t too thrilled about her marrying an Italian. (can you imagine?- that was 1956)

Here it is 50 years later; and there are still racial issues all across the board.
Sorry that your grandparents won''t come. Maybe they''ll come around and maybe they won''t.
This is something that you and your FI will unfortunately come across in your journey together.
Be strong for the trip.
 
I''m so sorry you''re going through this. I was pretty worried that something like this would happen when FI and I got engaged. I''m Jewish and he''s Catholic. I was really worried that his family wouldn''t be ok with the marriage even though they seemed ok with us dating. We''re very lucky that both of our families are being so accepting (mine''s had a bit of experience as my aunt married my uncle who''s Catholic years ago).

It sucks that they can''t accept the relationship, but I don''t think there''s anything you can do to change their mind. Hopefully they''ll realize their mistake, but I wouldn''t hold your breath waiting.
 
We experienced similar things 12 years or so ago when we began the process of adopting an Asian child and we are caucasian. It''s their generation. We didn''t return those emotions..no point in sinking that low ourselves. But we went ahead and adopted a precious little angel...and you know what? Everybody got over all those fears and they adore her! So my advice is, always show the love that you''d like to be shown, and hopefully someday they''ll come around.
 
Indi: I am really sorry about your situation, but like you said it''s really your grandparent''s loss. But trust me I can understand how that can make you feel: angry!! I sort of understand where you are coming from because my BF is from a so-called lesser developed country and I was very surprised about the bias that can result from that. I mean I knew it was there, but wow...to feel it first hand is kind of surprising and at times hurtful.

However...I do think that if they gave him a chance in the future they will come around! And if not I wouldn''t sweat it. There are too many other wonderful people in your life that will accept your relationship to spend too much time focusing on those that don''t support you.
 
IndieBlue: My ex was white, and I wasn't. His extended family (and immediate) used to make comments like that all the time. Actually his older brother is uhmm.....very, very racist. I used to never see him, but he had recently moved back near home, and his parents would have family dinners. (His sister is married to a black man, and I'm asian).

In any case, dinners always tended to end very ugly. He would slip in something about "immigrants being worthless" that races shouldn't mix etc. I used to be really good at keeping my mouth shut because I didn't want to insult his mother. Sometimes the sister's husband would lose it though. Which I can't blame him, I could never figure out if I was wrong for keeping quiet, or respectful.

I think your Dad is in a terrible position, (as my ex's mom was) I think the reason the grandparents accepted your sister's Columbian boyfriend was sort of this sort of gradient in racism. If that makes any sense. For example the brother used to be more racist against black people then asian people, because he reasoned that asian and white look more the "same". Anyways, I read this study once on that, that people tend to be more racist against those they precieve as being more "different" so that kind of stuck in my mind. (And in no way am I saying that this is right, more like a sort of explanation for why they feel that they should support one wedding, and not for another). And it is stinky.

In any case, your father seems he is working really hard, and he sounds like a wonderful person. I know that the people that love you will be there to suppport you (and him) on your big day.
 
Date: 10/17/2006 10:39:01 AM
Author: diamondfan
NASTY. THis is 2006, and I am so ashamed and disgusted that this goes on now...how ignorant, no offense to them, but I am just appalled that they would actually take this stance...good luck...
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Yeah. That about sums it up for me to. Sorry Indi.
 
Your first reaction was right: It is their loss. The last thing you want at your wedding and in your life is hateful people. I would just cross them off the guest list and be glad they won''t be at the wedding.
 
How awful for you and your FI!
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I would like to stay optimistic and hold out hope for them learning to accept/love your FI as a member of the family, but when people have gone that long holding a certain belief, it is nearly impossible to change their minds. It does make me sad, though.

Big ((((HUGS))))!
 
It is sad to think that in the year 2006, there are still people who are racist.

I think your grandparents were stuck in time. I hope someday they will change their mind over this.

I see a lot of interracial relationshipe from PS gallery and I think all of you look loving + very happy together, that is what most important !!!
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A girl I went to high school with, a Jewish girl, married a black man and they have two beautiful daughters. Her parents have never met them, and they are 7 and 9 years old. They refuse to allow her husband in their home and have basically told their daughter he is not welcome. They have removed her from their lives by doing this. She has taken a stand, even though she would love for her children to know their grandparents, because she cannot believe after all this time they cannot accept her marriage. So sad, these are the only grandkids and they have thrown away all the time up to now...
 
Date: 10/17/2006 3:17:07 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 10/17/2006 10:39:01 AM
Author: diamondfan
NASTY. THis is 2006, and I am so ashamed and disgusted that this goes on now...how ignorant, no offense to them, but I am just appalled that they would actually take this stance...good luck...
Click to expand...

Yeah. That about sums it up for me to. Sorry Indi.
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Weeeeell....true, but....

Grandpa and Gramma didn''t grow up in 2006. Just because it''s 2006 doesn''t mean they will be up to speed in how they think. Old habits (and ways of thinking) die hard.

I was thinking about this today when I read an article about school dances and "freaking". I know I should be more hip, but something about middle school children bumping and grinding each other on the dance floor just seems weird to me. We didn''t dance that way "when we were kids." Sound familiar?

It''s sad that you are in this position. Being in an interracial relationship, I can understand to a degree. I wasn''t sure if my mother would be able to handle me being with a white man, but she did just fine. Now, to be completely honest, what if he wasn''t white? What if he was black? I think my mother loves me enough to be fine with it, but she just didn''t grow up with interracial relationships, and even more so, african americans. Asians were so homogenous that it''s only in recent history that interracial relationships are becoming more accepted. My mother is a lovely, lovely woman, but I would have to admit that I know she has a prejudiced streak in her. Hopefully your grandparents can find it in their hearts to overcome their unfortunate beliefs.

But yes, in this day and age, it''s hard for me to imagine that one would shut someone out completely simply because of color.
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Indie: I''m so sorry that you and your fiance are going through this. My parents faced more subtle prejudice when they married. My mother''s family (Western Europe) had concerns about my father (Asian) that were cloaked in skepticism about his religious beliefs. Long story short, I think my father finally feels accepted by my mother''s siblings, but that didn''t happen until after my parents had lived in the U.S. for over 30 years.

There is no way I can put this that won''t come out sounding wrong, or crude. I wish your grandparents did not feel as they do; that they would be rejoicing in your happiness and looking forward to getting to know this new member of their family. But since they can''t or won''t, I think you may be better off that they''re up-front about their beliefs than you would be if they harbored these feeling while pretending to accept your union. At least you know where you stand.
 
Trends and fads are one thing, racial intolerance is another. To me, though I get that it does still exist, it just makes me sick. Times change, progress is hopefully made. We do not still wash clothes on a wash board, for example, that is an improvement via modern advances. Someone being that narrow minded, to the point of boycotting their grandchild''s wedding (and likely refusing to spend time together in the future) is just sad to me. Even if they had those feelings in general, I would hope, for the love of their grandchild, they would find a way to get along so they do not end up losing her. I may dislike someone, but it is NEVER because of the color of their skin or their religious views. Unless someone is immoral or bad minded, I decide based on how they behave in general and how they act towards me. It is not a global decision...
 
I just wanted say I''m so sorry you have to go thru this...
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It''s a sad fact but there''s still a lot of racism out there. My uncle is a (white) professor in the south, he got accused of ''favoritism'' and mistreatment by a student (black)... he said it''s frustrating when they get a bad grade and use the race card as an excuse... and the kicker is, his wife is asian!!!! *obviously* he MUST be racist...
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My family doesn't care about that and I consider myself fortunate that I grew up in a diverse family and diverse community without really knowing what a race was until I was an older kid and by then it didn't matter. People try to guess my heritage by looking at me and always guess wrong. I'm mixed myself a little of this and a little of that; neither black nor white. More like creamy mocha :) My fiance is a liberal redneck (it really does get red if he doesn't wear sunblock) with a dash of american indian; he moved around a lot with his mom as she was going to school so grew up in Ohio, Florida, and Massachusetts. He managed to incorporate the best of each area :)

We were in Ohio to visit part of his family there and after three days I saw an Asian man walking down the street and realized how homongenous the area was and for the first time in my life I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. His mom's side of the family are all peaches. No one was rude to me on his father's side, but there are some things that just didn't feel right and I wonder what his paternal grandparents say when I'm not around. On other occasions, when I was in college there were off the wall things said to me by people of color that also boggled my brain. There's also intercultural racism and in the past I once in a great while got the occasional flack from what you might call "my own" who focus all their roots on the African side and shun all things white.

So it is definitely out there. Where I live it is pretty subtle, but I'm sure in other parts of the country things are very different and people are more bold in saying racial things. Racial ignorance is a very hard thing to stamp out.

There might be a bit of a shock for the Ohioans when they get to the wedding and see that my parents and siblings are dark skinned--put me in the middle and we'd make an oreo cookie :) (I don't think about it much but they might trip over their jaws). My matron of honor is Iranian, her husband is greek, my other maid of honor is Italian, a friend of mine is Asian, my cousin is married to a puerto rican man; the wedding is going to be a melting pot! I'm not sure if I should rub my hands in glee or be very afraid :)
 
amilee, your wedding sounds like it would be a lot of fun. I mean that, seriously. I''m the type of person who gets a kick out of shocking the hell out of racist people. I know it''s bad, but I tend to want to make the situation worse. My bf is the same way. One day, when he was at work, an out of towner walked in and said "Do you have someone here that speaks English? I need directions!" My bf goes "Is there something I can help you with?"

She looks at him, notes that he''s Asian, and says "I said I wanted someone who speaks ENGLISH."
He says, "I''m sorry ma''am, no one here speaks English."

She left. I hope she got lost.
 
Date: 10/18/2006 6:11:42 PM
Author: Cinderella
amilee, your wedding sounds like it would be a lot of fun. I mean that, seriously. I''m the type of person who gets a kick out of shocking the hell out of racist people. I know it''s bad, but I tend to want to make the situation worse. My bf is the same way. One day, when he was at work, an out of towner walked in and said ''Do you have someone here that speaks English? I need directions!'' My bf goes ''Is there something I can help you with?''

She looks at him, notes that he''s Asian, and says ''I said I wanted someone who speaks ENGLISH.''
He says, ''I''m sorry ma''am, no one here speaks English.''

She left. I hope she got lost.
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That''s just odd Cinderella. Wow. I hope she got lost too. =)
 
Date: 10/18/2006 6:11:42 PM
Author: Cinderella
amilee, your wedding sounds like it would be a lot of fun. I mean that, seriously. I''m the type of person who gets a kick out of shocking the hell out of racist people. I know it''s bad, but I tend to want to make the situation worse. My bf is the same way. One day, when he was at work, an out of towner walked in and said ''Do you have someone here that speaks English? I need directions!'' My bf goes ''Is there something I can help you with?''

She looks at him, notes that he''s Asian, and says ''I said I wanted someone who speaks ENGLISH.''
He says, ''I''m sorry ma''am, no one here speaks English.''

She left. I hope she got lost.
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Oh my lord. This is one of those laugh or cry stories...your BF handled that beautifully. I am cackling evilly at his response.

And at your last line.

IndieBlue, I am so sorry for you. I can read your indignation and pain. Grandparents are supposed to be never-ending fountains of love and acceptance for their grandchildren. It''s hard when hatred trumps grandchild-love. I''m so sorry.
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