My man is killing me!

[LaraOnline]

Hi gals (and guys)
A Lady In Waiting for an Upgrade saga continues...

BACKGROUND:
As some of you may know, over a year now I''d got it into my head I would perhaps be ''worthy''

of a solitaire e-ring for my fifth anni just gone.

As is obvious by the lack of SMTR threads by me - or, indeed, my complete lack of presence in Rocky Talky - there has been no ''Rocky Talky'' at our house.

My DH threw a few encouraging bones, but hosed me down quite dramatically in October last year...a week or so before agreeing to buy us a beautiful new house for our growing family!! We''ve moved in and it''s great.

Well, the anni just came and went a fortnight ago. My man worked all weekend, we could not get away.

My birthday was last weekend. We had travel plans and my man took a day off, but that was washed out because the children caught a really bad bug.

I spent my birthday weekend (and a few days either side) washing linen and cleaning kids vomit...and being sick myself!

And then my husband became sick! It was his first days off in three weeks!

ON WITH OUR STORY:
My baby is due end April. My husband is planning to go to a conference mid-May. I couldn''t decide whether to risk coming to the conference or not...It''s in a beautiful holiday destination, but I''d have a teensy just-born baby in tow!

while discussing this, my DH jokingly, (but not totally jokingly) said that if I didn''t come to the conference, he would make it up to me by buying me my long-dreamed of upgrade!

Of course I''ve got EXACTLY the stone / ring / specs everything all in mind, and I''m dying to put a deposit down, but I''m waiting to see if he''s gonna re-confirm this ''for real''.

How do I get him to ''show me the money''??!! He has a million work-related issues on his mind at any one time, it''s hard to get him when he''s relaxed, because he only has a few days off a month!

How do I hurry him up without p****ing him off?!! I''m worried I''ll miss out on my dream stone that I''ve been ''visiting'' for months!

All advice taken!!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I''m not sure if I have advice (other than to say, "Hey honey, I think I deserve a big honkin'' gorgeous push present!"

) but I wanted to wish you luck and hope that he will show you the money!

What diamond (specs, etc.) and ring do you have in mind?

 

[ramber]

Hope you lucky!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/20/2009 4:42:52 AM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl
I''m not sure if I have advice (other than to say, ''Hey honey, I think I deserve a big honkin'' gorgeous push present!''

) but I wanted to wish you luck and hope that he will show you the money!

What diamond (specs, etc.) and ring do you have in mind?

Ditto, did you want us to look it over for you?

 

[LaraOnline]

Guess what girls, I asked him when he was booking his flights, and followed up with asking him how much I''d reckoned I''d saved him by not coming along... *wink *wink*
He responded by saying he just can''t bear to see me not wearing the ring I got engaged/married in.
I didn''t say anything, of course, I just laughed it off, and said he was a sentimental dag.

I FELT like telling him that the whole ''forever thing'' is precisely why people spend more than $600 on the e-ring in the first place!!!
I hate myself.

Hmmm, note to self: mention it again in six months time.
I''ll be in LIW forever!!!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/20/2009 5:48:06 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Guess what girls, I asked him when he was booking his flights, and followed up with asking him how much I''d reckoned I''d saved him by not coming along... *wink *wink*
He responded by saying he just can''t bear to see me not wearing the ring I got engaged/married in.
I didn''t say anything, of course, I just laughed it off, and said he was a sentimental dag.

I FELT like telling him that the whole ''forever thing'' is precisely why people spend more than $600 on the e-ring in the first place!!!
I hate myself.

Hmmm, note to self: mention it again in six months time.
I''ll be in LIW forever!!!

Then it really wasn''t fair of him in my opinion to raise your hopes even if he was joking by saying that he would get you the upgrade if you couldn''t go to the conference.

 

[jcarlylew82]

Date: 1/20/2009 5:48:06 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Guess what girls, I asked him when he was booking his flights, and followed up with asking him how much I''d reckoned I''d saved him by not coming along... *wink *wink*

He responded by saying he just can''t bear to see me not wearing the ring I got engaged/married in.

I didn''t say anything, of course, I just laughed it off, and said he was a sentimental dag.

I FELT like telling him that the whole ''forever thing'' is precisely why people spend more than $600 on the e-ring in the first place!!!

I hate myself.

Hmmm, note to self: mention it again in six months time.

I''ll be in LIW forever!!!

Consider it a present of having a new baby....
Is there a way you could wear your original ring as well?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/20/2009 5:48:06 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Guess what girls, I asked him when he was booking his flights, and followed up with asking him how much I''d reckoned I''d saved him by not coming along... *wink *wink*

He responded by saying he just can''t bear to see me not wearing the ring I got engaged/married in.

I didn''t say anything, of course, I just laughed it off, and said he was a sentimental dag.

I FELT like telling him that the whole ''forever thing'' is precisely why people spend more than $600 on the e-ring in the first place!!!

I hate myself.

Hmmm, note to self: mention it again in six months time.

I''ll be in LIW forever!!!

Any chance you''d be happy with a RHR as an "upgrade"? Or could you wear your current set on your right hand to appease DH?

Big hugs honey!!!

 

[LaraOnline]

Lorelei, he kind of gets enthusiastic, and then reels it back in. The latest offer was COMPLETELY unsolicited, although he does know that I visit this site. Hey, he had a couple of days off and felt sorry for me about my birthday, I think...I feel kind of upset now.

Neatfreak and JCarly, I do quite like my set, because it kind of does have sentimental value. But... (and I''ve told my story on here before so bear with me) I did do all the shopping myself, and of course I had such a small budget that it really was quite difficult to find something that I genuinely liked! He doesn''t really know that, of course. He thought it took me so long to find my e-ring because I *quote* ''must be really fussy''...
I didn''t really want to argue the point about the budget at the time

The longer I wear it the more sentimental it becomes, of course...

I have thought about my set as a RHR, but it really is rather dainty, and is definitely a wedding set. I would like to keep it as an alternate set.
I have also thought about getting a nice RHR, but the co-dependent in me really would prefer my wedding jewellery to be the nicest pieces I wear on a daily basis.
I guess I will have to settle for RHR. Thinking about a 5-stone.

Just really didn''t want to give up on the solitaire idea!

I''m so dumb. And so bummed.

 

[Deelight]

I can tell you what I would do

I would print off exactly what I want and how to get it and go:

"Darling, you know how you said if I didn''t go on that trip you would get me my upgrade well here is all the information to make it easier for you, your such a wonderful and caring husband for doing this SQUEEEEE"

This has worked for me in the past, but you know your hubby and whether it would work for you.

 

[mrscushion]

Really, I don''t understand your husband. I think that this new solitaire is something you really want, and if you guys can afford it, which it sounds like you can, then I don''t see why you shouldn''t get it. Perhaps it would help to sit down with him one more time to let him know how much you want this ring. I think given the very reasonable budget of your original ring, the fact that you say you would still wear the original from time to time for sentimental reasons, the fact that you''re giving birth to a child soon and that you are a loving, supportive wife, I really think he should get you this ring asap.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Tell him that you want a new ring for giving birth to his 3rd baby! hahaha I mean, really, it''s the least he can do after 9 months of carrying a child and pushing it out ...

But in all seriousness, tell him again how much you would love one and how happy it would make you feel. It''s so hard depending on someone to buy you something if the other person is bringing home the bacon... I say have another talk with him and see where he stands.

 

[BlueSki231]

I''m sorry to hear you are going through this! I think it was really kind of cruel of your husband to mention the fact that he''ll get you the upgrade if you don''t go on the trip with him. It''s flat out cruel to get your hopes up like that if he knows he has no intention of following through when it means so much to you. Even if he said it jokingly, it''s not funny to taunt you with something he knows you''re dying to have!

You could go the evil route and tell him that he TOLD you you''d be getting the upgrade so you already put the deposit down.. now what?

But seriously...

Are you sure that he''s not using sentimentality as an excuse? It''s a pretty easy excuse to give, and it''s a hard one to argue with. Your original engagement ring is no doubt extremely sentimental but is not a 5 year anniversary/birth of a child gift not sentimental as well?
Tell him your new solitaire would also be meaningful to you, and would in no way take away any meaning of your original ring. There''s no way that meaning can EVER be replaced - he should know this! Your new diamond would symbolize your successful marriage and how far you''ve come.

Or maybe you could "market" your new stone to him as an anniversary stone instead of replacement of your current wedding set. You could still wear your original set as a RHR... or you could wear your anniversary diamond as a RHR.

I''m sorry I just really enjoy reading your posts and you seem like such a sweet, kind, selfless person I really think you deserve your dream stone!! I hope he comes around...

 

[LaraOnline]

Girls, I could kiss you. This is a great website!
I have a really great marriage (no... really! I know he sounds like an a$$, but he''s not, he''s a really loving, dedicated husband), so my problems are teensy.
He just really doesn''t ''get it''. Typical Aussie! They''re not typically loaded with panache, donchaknow!
I actually thought the issue was dead in the water until HE brought it up.
So we''ll see. This girl is playing the waiting game...

''must...resist...urge...to...squeeze...head...so..hard...brain...leaks...out...ears...!''

 

[Bliss]

Your writing always makes me smile -- you are so expressive! I would say that you are getting closer and closer to your dream ring. Just keep letting him bring it up. I have a feeling that when your next little angel comes, he will be so overwhelmed he will give your project a green light!

Hey, it''s progress! He''s bringing it up on his own! I really think you''re going to get it soon...keep visualizing it until it materializes! *dust*

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 1/20/2009 8:44:09 PM
Author: Bliss

Hey, it's progress! He's bringing it up on his own! I really think you're going to get it soon...keep visualizing it until it materializes! *dust*

Oh, I'm visualising all right!!!!!!!!!! BELIEVE me!!!
He has absolutely NO idea how intense my desire is... I could practically WEEP right now with frustration!!!

I'm starting to feel like one of those farmer's wives, kept in tea-towel dresses so their man can dream of the latest tractor.

We are constantly involved in costs / deals associated with our business...

 

[anyname]

siigh, i''m hoping and wishing you the best!!! Is there anywhere to get a push present? My fingers are still crossed for you.

 

[Bliss]

Lara, it SOOOO is going to happen!

I can''t wait to see it, too! And how much sweeter will be it be when you finally have that lovely on your finger? How blessed you are. Your babies are gorgeous!!!! How awesome that your DH brought it up on his own. He is listening! It''s HAPPENING. This baby or next, it''s happening!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 1/20/2009 5:40:58 AM
Author: Lorelei

Ditto, did you want us to look it over for you?

Brown-Eyed Girl and Lorelei, thank you so much for this encouragement.

As soon as I can put a holding deposit on the stone I'd be calling on you IMMEDIATELY for your classy opinions!!!! I've already called the vendor... but DH does have a temper and I don't want to spoil the whole thing by p***ing him off!!

A good three-quarters of me just wants to go to the phone, make the call, hold the stone and take it from there!!!

*loud raspberry*

 

[mrscushion]

Best of luck to you! I hope it will happen soon -- girl-soon!

 

[whitby_2773]

hey lara you have my COMPLETE sympathies!

i''m australian too, and i know *exactly* what you mean! aussie men have the sentimentality of a used kleenex - and the australian ''engagement culture'' gauges a diamond as ''big'' at a whoooole other level to the american culture. i''ve lived in NY now for 6 years, and engagement rings are a different ball game over here!

and i totally get your dilemma! it has no sentimentality unless HE buys it - but if you push and push for him to do it - it''s then YOUR idea - so it *has* no sentimentality! so where does one go from there?? (hey, i''m just telling you i understand - i''m not telling you i have a solution!)

the problem is that sentimentality and fashion rarely collude! the 1/4 ct ring he buys when one is 21 looks less than a freckle on one''s 40 yr old hands - in fact so small that one gets a bit protective of it! i''ve found a couple of solutions - none of them ideal (warning you right off the bat!)

if he reeeeeeally wants you to stay with your original engagement ring, but is not averse to buying you jewelry, ask for diamond earrings or a diamond bracelet. that can nurture one''s desire for bling, without compromising the ''sanctity of that damned 15 pt engagement stone!'' a diamond bracelet and a plain gold wedding band looks plenty nice and kind of obviates the need for a larger engagement ring.

or you can do what we''re doing...

our wedding and engagement rings were not expensive (understatement), and my husband''s split one day while he was moving furniture. my wedding ring is thin and sharp around the edges and occasionally gives me eczema. the stone from my tiny engagement solitaire ring was stolen by a jeweler (long, unhappy story), so all in all we''re not wearing them anyway. sooooooo......

we''re having the settings melted down and recast into two new rings. we''re working the 8 tiny 1/2 pt stones from my wedding ring into the design (scattered around the inside of the ring) and we''re then having the rings engraved - with wattle, in fact, as we were married september 1st - which is wattle day in australia. but in your case, you COULD say you want a new stone to go in this stellar new setting (that you want to have made from your old set)! rather than pushing and hinting (which WILL make him cranky!) i''d be honest. tell him you want to hold onto the old ring, but make something from it more in keeping with this time in your life - something you love and something not so ''young girl-ish''. explain to him that rings are affected by fashion like all other things we wear, and that you''d like something more in keeping with your age and maturity levels at this point in life. if he sulks, ignore him. dont try to wine and dine him for this conversation - just tell him in a mater of fact way - so he can get the context that this is no big deal and ergo not threatening.

what size is the new stone you''re after? i''d love to hear what your plans are!

 

[BlueSki231]

yes! tell us about this dream diamond that you''re after!

 

[LaraOnline]

Thanks Whitby... yet another excellent post from you, I tell ya, I'm gonna have to start 'cyber-stalking' your opinions, they are so on the money!

I love, love the idea of remodelling our original rings. Your project sounds grand.
My husband, however, lost his ring within two weeks of returning from our honeymoon, and has flatly (VERY flatly) refused to have that ring replaced.

It is his 40th this year, and I had dreams of my getting him a gorgeous ring, with secret diamond etc etc... I excitedly told him my plan, and he told me that if I 'wasted my money'' on a ring for him, he would 'chuck it over the back fence into the neighbour's yard'! !!

As for me, I am dreaming of a 1.2-1.3c RB solitaire (yes, yes, I know, in Australia that is rather large, but I've been on PS a while now...). I'm dreaming of the classic six-prong sol ring, to be worn with my choice of traditional gold band or diamond eternity.

Because of the size of the diamond, I am thinking that keeping my original set, to be worn during housework, and travel, might be wise?

Namaste, undoubtedly, my man is NOT that sentimental about my original set. I mean, come on! This is an Aussie guy we are talking about here...

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

aww Laraonline you are one of my favorite PSers. I just love reading your posts. I really hope you get the new ring you want! I also, love Whitbys suggestion to have your original remade into a new ring. Then it would still have the sentimental meaning behind it which would be a great compromise between you and DH.

 

[whitby_2773]

wow laura - i have to tell you - if tim (my husband) told me he''d be throwing a gift i gave him over the fence -in jest or not, we''d be having a pretty full and frank discussion about what it means to be grateful for any gift one receives, and the temper we''d need to be worrying about was *mine*!

one thing is for sure, your DH doesnt see the value in jewelry - and that makes him ''normal male''.

i hate to be discouraging here, but my gut feeling is that he brought up the ''ring instead of travel'' plan more as a way of easing you over not coming to the conference. men aren''t all that deviant/complicated/deep; if you listen, you''ll notice that most of them take pride in ''meaning what i said to you the first time!'' which is why when a young woman says to me that her BF "said he doesnt want to get married - but i''m hoping he''ll come around" i normally tell her to throw in the towel then and there. (for what it''s worth here, i''m a psychologist - now working in a different field - who used to specialize in marital/couples therapy, then did 2 specialities - one in kids and a second one in dispute resolution. so i''ve had a few women relate to me what their BF''s said to them in my day...) anyway, i think the message was in the ''i cant bear to see you without the ring you got married in'' comment. my guess is that this just isn''t the guy who''s gonna buy you the ring of your dreams. if he took no interest and allowed virtually no budget for it the first time, it''s unlikely he''s going to be too different the second time around - especially when the second time around has even less validity to it than the first time (in his eyes) AND erodes the *original* ring in his mind!

i''m a firm believer that everyone should get some of what they want in life; everyone should have a little ''jam''. otherwise, what point life? i think what subconsciously so many of us are trying to do with upgrades is somehow go back in time and have the ring/moment/proposal of our dreams - plus associated romance. we want the fairy tale we''ve developed in our heads of ''how we want it to be''. but you can''t change history, so you have a few options;

a) live with the one you have, which you seem to enjoy in some ways but which doesnt seem ideal
b) hope he gets hit on the head by a large falling object one day and wakes up and says "Lara! i want to buy you a ring - a BIG one - because you are the most wonderful wife a man could ever have and i love you with all my heart and i was an unromantic git about the first ring and didn''t understand that EVERY woman wants to feel ADORED at least once in her life - mainly to have something tangible to fall back on during all the crap she''ll have to put up with in the years to come! "
c) explain to him that your ''love language'' at this point in your life is a ring. that he might have ways he *thinks* should be sufficient for you to feel loved, but that it was his choice to marry you for who you are, and that the way you want him to tell you he loves you is with a ring (piece of paper with specs ready and to hand). explain that when you want to express to him how much you love him - you have to use HIS language. but when he tells you, he needs to use YOUR language. and your language at this point in time is a ring.
d) buy it yourself.

which one you choose will have to be up to you - and they all have validity. my husband is a generous man, but not romantic. he has never bought me great jewelry - but has allowed *me* to use money to buy jewelry. (slight difference there) so i have lots of lovely pieces, but none really picked out by him, nothing planned for etcetc. so for our 25th anniversary this year, he decided that he was going to hit this ring thing out of the park (keep in mind that - altho married 25 years - tim is still only 44 yrs old). at the beginning of last year he opened what we call ''the ring account'' to get me the ring of my dreams. he put money into it every week, and the balance has grown consistently. i was going to get ''the big ring'' and he was going to have a plain gold wedding ring made. a few weeks ago he started asking me in earnest what i wanted mine to look like. i chatted on and off about it over a few conversations spanning a few days, then it occurred to me that this was a change of direction and i said to him - "why are you suddenly interested in the exact shape?" and he said, with the shyest, sweetest expression on his face...

"Because i want yours and mine to look the same."

and that''s when i realized that the ring didnt matter at all to him - but being close to me REALLY DID. so now we''re getting matching gold bands, and we''re spending the rest of the money on a holiday.

and i just cant tell you what my new gold band is gonna mean to me. 25 years - and he still wants to be ''one'' with me.

as for the sparkly stuff - i''ll be doing Option d.

 

[ubiquitous]

This is an opinion from a man.

It sounds like your DH is a very busy man, working non-stop to feed his family. He deserves his own reward. Have you offered him something, like a massage or a football ticket or a new golf club etc? With a baby dued in a couple months, a new home morgage, and a looming depression, upgrading your ering seems to be the least important item in the budget IMHO. I understand that you deserve something for your birthday but try to find your happiness in a less expensive gift though. He has reasons so don''t resent. I hope you find something that makes both of you happy.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 1/21/2009 2:51:44 PM
Author: ubiquitous
This is an opinion from a man.


It sounds like your DH is a very busy man, working non-stop to feed his family. He deserves his own reward. Have you offered him something, like a massage or a football ticket or a new golf club etc? With a baby dued in a couple months, a new home morgage, and a looming depression, upgrading your ering seems to be the least important item in the budget IMHO. I understand that you deserve something for your birthday but try to find your happiness in a less expensive gift though. He has reasons so don't resent. I hope you find something that makes both of you happy.

Are you saying that I am a selfish wife??? I do everything I can for him, he is going to a conference in a hoilday destination about a week after I've given birth. I am encouraging him to book a WEEK_LONG fishing trip after the conference, because that is what I've always wanted for him. It is going to cost us several thousands of dollars in itself.

For a present, after the first child was born, we bought him a small fishing boat.
I allow him to make whatever decisions surrounding the business, and not all these business decisions are based on economics, a lot of it is based on what 'feels good' to him at work too, eg interesting new toys and lots of study.
I put my own money into this business, and have also spent many hours working in the business. When we first met, I worked for no wages, as did he.

I wholeheartedly agree that he works very hard. But... are you saying I sit around and watch the soapies each day? I raise my children, and manage the house (and aspects of the business) virtually singlehandedly!

I resent the implication that I am a selfish wife. I am a loving, giving and very grateful wife!!!

(Not to ring my own bells, or anything).

PS the ring is not about my birthday. I didn't get a thing for my birthday, and to be honest, I didn't care.

 

[LaraOnline]

PS I was a fantastic girlfriend too, and deserved a nice ring from the get-go!
But, because we had been working so hard, my husband wanted a really great honeymoon (not that we really negotiated honeymoon vs ring)

 

[whitby_2773]

hi lara

just above the post by ubiquitous i left you quite a long post which might be more relevant to you and your situation. i thought about it a *lot* before i posted it, and wouldnt like to see something that might be useful get ''lost in the backwash''.

everybody is entitled to their own opinion, and i''m sure what ubiquitous said is relevant to some women. but it''s pretty obvious that you''re not a nagging, demanding, complaining, unrealistic or resentful wife... ok - let me rephrase that - it''s *really* obvious! as with all these posts - one takes the parts that apply to us, and just move past the rest.

perhaps you''ve even been too flexible or too easy going? (always a possibility) have a look at my previous post, and reconsider option d!

head up girl! i know a great wife when i see one post!

 

[ubiquitous]

Oops, looks like I accidentally started a a fire here. I never meant to be mean so I appologize if you felt so. My previous comment was based on the limited info given in your original post and the conclusion was based on logical analysis on these data (male deals with logics

). Now that more data were given that you are indeed a very loving and grateful wife and, albeit pamper your DH a little bit too much with his toys and boat

, you deserve your ering upgrade if your family''s financial situation allows. Good luck convincing your husband.