My mother is driving me nuts!!!

[Treasure43]

So my mother went to look at dresses for the wedding and she went to a really expensive shop where most of the dresses were like $400-$600. Don''t ask me why. Anyway, she found one on sale for $200 but it is the same color as the BM dresses so I asked her to see if they could get it in a different color. I guess they can''t. She originally picked it because it was on sale and she just thought it was ok but as soon as I asked her to try and get a dress that wasn''t that color she became intent on getting that color. She has never worn that color in her life yet now she swears it''s the only color she can wear. She then said "well fine I''ll just wear black then". I said that was ok, but apparently once I said that was ok she didn''t want to wear that color in the first place. She just said it because she thought I''d say no. She called me yesterday and told me she thought I should pay the difference between the $200 dress and another colored one. I said not so much and told her that when she comes to visit next month I''m more than happy to go shopping with her and find her something affordable that she loves. Now however she''s continually calling me crying and saying I don''t love her because I won''t let her wear the dress she wants.

I want her to be happy but I''m really irritated that she''s making SUCH a big deal out of this and giving me such an enormous guilt trip. Just wanted to vent

 

[MonkeyPants]

ugh sorry to hear about your mom treasure. I can relate. My mother has been driving me nuts about her dress too. She keeps sending me links to dresses when she wants my opinion, but every dress is either white, ivory, "champagne" (looks like ivory), or the same color as the BM dresses. Luckily for me, when I tell her why I don''t want her to wear those options she just says "okay, I''ll keep looking." She''s generally a lot more fiery, so I''m not sure where this easy-going attitude is coming from, but I''ll take it!

 

[meresal]

Treasure- I''m sorry to hear about this. *hugs* If you don''t mind me asking... what is the color in question? (I''m guessing it must be pretty original...)

 

[Pushin40]

Maybe I''m just naive but why is it a problem if its the same color as the BM''s dresses?
Does it really matter?

 

[purselover]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:16:49 PM
Author: Pushin40
Maybe I''m just naive but why is it a problem if its the same color as the BM''s dresses?
Does it really matter?

I was thinking the same thing! I couldn''t have cared less what my mom wore! If it makes her that upset I say let her wear whatever there are worse things to argue about.

 

[Prana]

Sorry for your dilemma treasure.

Is there any particular reason that you do not want her in the same color as your BM''s? I can understand if that is the only reason. I would not have minded at all if my mother''s dress was the same color as the girls''....I consider my mum just as much a part of the the wedding as my BM''s. Plus, it would look nice in pictures.

I would just stand your ground. I think your offer of shopping with her was great.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:22:47 PM
Author: purselover

Date: 3/15/2010 12:16:49 PM
Author: Pushin40
Maybe I''m just naive but why is it a problem if its the same color as the BM''s dresses?
Does it really matter?

I was thinking the same thing! I couldn''t have cared less what my mom wore! If it makes her that upset I say let her wear whatever there are worse things to argue about.

Thritto....what''s wrong with it being the same color??? I have seen many MOBs wear the wedding color. Also, I agree there are much worse things to argue about.

 

[meresal]

If it were Black or a dark color, then I don''t see it being an issue... however, if the BM dress color is bright or very noticeable, then I can see how it might be odd for the mother to be wearing the same color.

 

[RaiKai]

When our mothers asked what they should wear...our reply was "whatever you want". And we meant it. And they both looked fabulous and wore something that was their style (my mother actually married my stepfather of 25 years a month later wearing the same outfit she wore to our wedding!).

You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you don''t dictate what people wear. Of course if you have a wedding party then you do pick out some aspect of what they wear (i.e. the dress, the colour, the dress & colour) but you really should not to do so for guests - and that includes your mother! If she wants to wear the same colour the BM''s are wearing, so be it. No one is going to confuse your mother for one of the BM''s.

There is a chance a "regular" guest will wear the same colour as the BM''s too, after all.....and I am sure no one will get confused. I imagine your guests are brighter than that

 

[Treasure43]

I think the thing that''s bothering me is that it ISN''T about the dress. I know 100% that this is her way of trying to gain control. My mother was very manipulative and controlling when I was growing up and it took me a long time to learn how to stand up for myself so I think that''s the bigger issue. She was merely asking what I thought of the color and when I said I would rather her wear a different color she became fixated on that color (it''s navy by the way).

I was going to tell her to just wear whatever she wants but then she tried to guilt trip me by crying and being overdramatic and I guess I''m feeling maipulated and my instinct is to rebel aganist it.

 

[meresal]

I TOTALLY understand what you are going thru with your mom. It is a very hard thing to stand your ground, only to have to back down in the end to make everyone else happy.

I am the same way with my MIL. She never says please, never says thank you, and always expects to get her way. When she doesn''t, she gets extremely defensive and makes passive agressive comments just to hurt you.
I hate just giving in... and after a while the only reason I haven''t given in is becuase I KNOW that she expects it, and even when I do, she won''t say "Thanks!" or "Great!" or even just a plain "I really appreciate it."
(EX. She asked us to change the day of the baby shower after it was being planned for 2 months... then when we finally did, we didn''t hear a single thanks or anything. She actually sent an email "reminding" me to invite DH''s grandmother, since this will be her 3rd great grandchild. *the passive agressive comment*

)


With that said... I think that Navy would be fine for her to wear. No one would suspect that she is "matching" the BM''s. Good luck.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 3/15/2010 4:06:46 PM
Author: Treasure43
I think the thing that''s bothering me is that it ISN''T about the dress. I know 100% that this is her way of trying to gain control. My mother was very manipulative and controlling when I was growing up and it took me a long time to learn how to stand up for myself so I think that''s the bigger issue. She was merely asking what I thought of the color and when I said I would rather her wear a different color she became fixated on that color (it''s navy by the way).

I was going to tell her to just wear whatever she wants but then she tried to guilt trip me by crying and being overdramatic and I guess I''m feeling maipulated and my instinct is to rebel aganist it.

I don''t know how you usually avoid her controlling nature. I have found it is best to tell her you think the dress she picked is perfect (aka the opposite of what you want) and therefore not allow her to have control. She likely won''t be interested in the dress anymore. And the more you tell her how much you don''t like the dress, the more she feeds off it.

 

[caribqueen]

Mothers can be so funny. Try to remember that your mother is probably very excited for you (and her) and wants to make sure she looks her best on your big day. I''m curious what color is your BMs dresses, because it likely won''t be a big deal. My younger brother jokes with my mother that she sometimes thinks it''s her second wedding.

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/15/2010 4:55:09 PM
Author: caribqueen
Mothers can be so funny. Try to remember that your mother is probably very excited for you (and her) and wants to make sure she looks her best on your big day. I''m curious what color is your BMs dresses, because it likely won''t be a big deal. My younger brother jokes with my mother that she sometimes thinks it''s her second wedding.

The dresses are Navy.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 3/15/2010 4:16:26 PM
Author: meresal
I TOTALLY understand what you are going thru with your mom. It is a very hard thing to stand your ground, only to have to back down in the end to make everyone else happy.

I am the same way with my MIL. She never says please, never says thank you, and always expects to get her way. When she doesn''t, she gets extremely defensive and makes passive agressive comments just to hurt you.
I hate just giving in... and after a while the only reason I haven''t given in is becuase I KNOW that she expects it, and even when I do, she won''t say ''Thanks!'' or ''Great!'' or even just a plain ''I really appreciate it.''
(EX. She asked us to change the day of the baby shower after it was being planned for 2 months... then when we finally did, we didn''t hear a single thanks or anything. She actually sent an email ''reminding'' me to invite DH''s grandmother, since this will be her 3rd great grandchild. *the passive agressive comment*

)


With that said... I think that Navy would be fine for her to wear. No one would suspect that she is ''matching'' the BM''s. Good luck.

My mother sounds very much like your MIL meresal. If it''s not one issue it''s another one. First it was she was going to kill herself if I had my stepfather walk me down the aisle (my biological father passed away). Then she wanted the wedding in NY, which wasn''t possible. Then it was she wanted me to invite random people (like her lawyer) that she expected us to pay for, then it was I didn''t love her anymore because I was getting married, then it was she was jealous we live close to my future-in-laws and she wanted to move 10 hours away so she could be near us. I guess there''s a part of me that fears if I give in to this, she''ll go on to one of her other myraid of issues and this cycle I''ve been in since I was 13 (so for 12 years now) will never end.

 

[caribqueen]

Date: 3/15/2010 4:59:49 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 3/15/2010 4:55:09 PM
Author: caribqueen
Mothers can be so funny. Try to remember that your mother is probably very excited for you (and her) and wants to make sure she looks her best on your big day. I''m curious what color is your BMs dresses, because it likely won''t be a big deal. My younger brother jokes with my mother that she sometimes thinks it''s her second wedding.

The dresses are Navy.

Oh my bad. I missed it. Thanks.

 

[ts44]

I feel you, Treasure. I swear it took longer for my mom to find a dress for my wedding than it took me. She''s a size 2 and looks like Courteney Cox, so it wasn''t for lack of options. And every dress she showed me was ivory, champagne, ecru, bone white, or some other off-white color - some were even listed in the "bridal" sections of the stores. Some of the dresses she was looking at were more expensive than mine - not that there''s anything wrong with that if she wants to shell the cash, but why when there''s so many more reasonably priced options? I casually brought up the white dress thing and she got all offended and said "I just wanted to dress like your bridesmaids!" That''s cool and all, but my bridesmaids are wearing brown, not ivory.

Are your bridesmaid''s dresses at least a different length/style than the one she "chose?" Like if your bridesmaids are all in knee-length navy cotton strapless, and she''s in floor-length navy taffeta with a bolero and fishtail hem, then it''s probably different enough that nobody would mistake her for a bridesmaid. I think the other posters are spot-on, if you tell her you don''t care what she wears and just get something that makes her happy, perhaps the incentive to get the navy dress wouldn''t be there for her anymore and she''ll find something different.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

This is mean, BUT: Have you ever tried turning it around on her? Granted, it would take tons of energy, but have you ever tried calling her up crying because you feel so unloved that she lives so far away, or crying because your wedding is so expensive now that you have all these random people, or really crying because you are having to give into "everyone else''s" idea of what your wedding should be?

I only say this, because I had a friend whose mom was like this and that''s what she would do from time to time...it was kinda funny...but again you have to have the energy for it...it doesn''t come naturally...

 

[blueberrydot]

Have you seen the type of dress that she wants to wear? Is it bridesmaidy? At my sister''s wedding, us bridesmaids were wearing strapless brown chiffon J.Crew dresses and my mom also wore brown - but it was a cute knit sleeveless St. John dress and jacket ensemble that was very definitely a MOB dress. If your mom''s chosen dress looks very similar to your bridesmaids I could see how that would be weird (particularly if your BM dresses are skewed towards a younger set), but if her dress does not resemble a BM dress in any way except for the color, I think I''d let it go. If your mom really is using this issue as a means to exert control then you breezily saying "Oh your dress looks great!" will probably shut her up and maybe she will even choose to wear another color after all if she sees that her deliberately choosing a navy dress doesn''t bother you in the least. Good luck!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/15/2010 5:41:42 PM
Author: wannaBMrsH
This is mean, BUT: Have you ever tried turning it around on her? Granted, it would take tons of energy, but have you ever tried calling her up crying because you feel so unloved that she lives so far away, or crying because your wedding is so expensive now that you have all these random people, or really crying because you are having to give into ''everyone else''s'' idea of what your wedding should be?

I only say this, because I had a friend whose mom was like this and that''s what she would do from time to time...it was kinda funny...but again you have to have the energy for it...it doesn''t come naturally...

just had to chime in on this one - i did that to my mom. unfortunately i just turned into a "needy, over emotional bridezilla"

Treasure - your mom is playing the guilt trip on you, and that sucks. *hug*. i''m with you on your gut instinct to argue back. But, in the long run, letting her wear what she wants (within reason, of course) will serve you best on your day.

Big Hugs to know you are not the only one with more mamadrama than anything else!!

 

[yssie]

Um...why not just let her wear the dress she wants? She''ll be happy, you''ll be less stressed, and I promise the pictures will still be lovely...

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/15/2010 10:00:00 PM
Author: yssie
Um...why not just let her wear the dress she wants? She''ll be happy, you''ll be less stressed, and I promise the pictures will still be lovely...

She''ll be *satisfied* that she got what she wanted. Not happy. Will most likely be hunky dorey for the next few weeks, and then it will be something else... It''s very hard to back down when you know it is just going to happen again.

I would just agree to this dress thing (as long as it does not look like the BM dresses), make it thru the wedding and any other drama she stirrs up, and then figure out how you want to deal with the way your mom is after the wedding has passed. This is supposed to be a very happy time for you, and afterwards you are going to look back and wish you had just let it all roll off your back.

My MIL caused lots of drama between DH and I during the planning process, and I hate hwo stressful she made the whoel thing. But I allowed her to control my emotions, which is what she ultimately wanted, and I see that now. Don''t let your mom make such a happy time stressful for you. Show her that she can''t control you.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 3/16/2010 9:23:43 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 3/15/2010 10:00:00 PM

Author: yssie

Um...why not just let her wear the dress she wants? She''ll be happy, you''ll be less stressed, and I promise the pictures will still be lovely...

She''ll be *satisfied* that she got what she wanted. Not happy. Will most likely be hunky dorey for the next few weeks, and then it will be something else... It''s very hard to back down when you know it is just going to happen again.


I would just agree to this dress thing (as long as it does not look like the BM dresses), make it thru the wedding and any other drama she stirrs up, and then figure out how you want to deal with the way your mom is after the wedding has passed. This is supposed to be a very happy time for you, and afterwards you are going to look back and wish you had just let it all roll off your back.


My MIL caused lots of drama between DH and I during the planning process, and I hate hwo stressful she made the whoel thing. But I allowed her to control my emotions, which is what she ultimately wanted, and I see that now. Don''t let your mom make such a happy time stressful for you. Show her that she can''t control you.

Wise post from a wise woman. I totally agree.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m sorry this is becoming such a big problem between you and your mom - I can appreciate that you feel you''re being manipulated - but this might be a place to surrender in order to reduce the drama

 

[Treasure43]

Update:

My mother went and bought the dress and then assumed I would be mad at her. When I said it was fine she said she wouldn''t mind getting another dress if I didn''t like it. I told her that it wasn''t as much about the dress as it was about her doing something that she stongly thought would make me upset. I''m determined not to worry about it and just let it go. However my FMIL was shocked when she heard that and so was FSIL. It''s beyond me why to them things like my mother wearing the same color as the bridesmaids is aganist the "rules" and we shouldn''t have different shades of navy blue shoes, but it''s ok if FSIL wants to wear a completely different shoe style than everyone else