My Mother''s Whiteflash Birthday Present

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Swaeeeeet! Congrats to your Mom!

cheers--Sharon

 

[diamondseeker2006]

What a lovely thing to do for your mother!

 

[Emeraldfan]

Ok - I need to vent and I know this is going to sound kind of bad but here it goes. So we wrapped up the pendant in a larger box so when my mother got it she wouldn't think it was jewelry. She started opening it up and made some comment about thinking she was getting jewelry - then after she opened it she was like oh how nice, thanks, etc. but there was no big reaction to it like we expected. We had this planned for about a year and thought she would be so suprised and excited.

Well, turns out she had been telling my oldest brother (whom she is closest to as she and I don't get along) for the past 7-8 mo. (since I got engaged and got my diamond) that she DESERVES a diamond for her 60th birthday and she expected him/us to get her one. What the heck!!

If I had known that I certainly wouldn't have chipped in my 3k to get her one. I know that sounds mean, but we hardly have a relationship at all with each other. My parents got divorced when I was in second grade and since I was the only girl and the 2nd oldest I ended up taking raising my brothers and helping them with their homework/cooking supper/making lunches/staying home with them when they were sick while she went to grief/divorce meetings and back to night school to get her masters degree. She basically left us to fend for ourselves and I really did have 80% of the responsibility of raising my then 4 year old and 6 year old brothers. It's funny cause she was a home ec teacher and our house was always dirty, clothes never cleaned or sewn up, and she never did any cooking. Finally at 15 I couldn't take not being a kid anymore and went to live with my father. My mother thought I would come back and live with her after a week with my dad but I never did and our relationship has been horrible ever since then. It got even worse when my younger brother decided to live with my father as well. There was a big custody battle over that - cause how would it look to people f not one, but two of her 4 kids left her. Finally, my dad did get custody, but when my mother realized she was losing the court battle she was like fine, you can have him if you still pay me the same amount of child support!! All she cared about was the money!!

Anyway, it's been acrimonious ever since. Really in her eyes it's my two brothers who remained with her against me and my other brother who left. She has this preconceived notion in her head of how things should go and if they don't go that way or we don't listen to her advice then its a bad decision and it ruins everything. If fact since I've moved to CA 3 months ago I have only talked to her twice (because I called her). She loved SF when she was here 20 years ago, but since I'm here she hasn't asked me a single thing about it. My dad and brothers think she's jealous that I am having the life she wanted. But aren't you supposed to want better for your children that you had as a parent - sometimes I think she wants me to fail. She has never been thrilled with me being an attorney or working at a big firm making big firm money. She says part of it is that she wanted me to be a stay at home mom and not work. Well, my response was if she worked and made enough money to not leave us in rags going to school and having teachers call me into the office cause my brothers school uniforms were dirty and not pressed, and have other kids make fun of my brothers (sorry wasn't old enough to use an iron when I was in the 2nd grade) then maybe I wouldn't feel such a need to make lots of money so I could provide for my children.

Still, I decided to be nice and get her this present because it was such a special occasion and thought it would be a nice gesture hopefully opening up some lines of communication. However, for her to just expect a 6k diamond pendant after all of our previous history is ridiculous. Part of me wants to better connect with my mother, but there are so many things that she does that cause a commotion/unpleasantness in my life that for the past 5-10 years I've really made a conscious decision to live without her and have as little contact as possible. I guess I will continue to do so, which is sad, I always wanted a mother like my other friends who you could talk to and do things with be close too. Oh well, it really looks like that will never happen. Hopefully, when I have kids, my daughter and I will have a closer relationship.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. I didn't expect this pendant to change the world, but I did expect some thanks and appreciation. Not just a yeah, thanks, I expected it.

 

[iheartscience]

I''m sorry to hear this, Emeraldfan. That must be so disappointing after all the effort and money you put into this beautiful pendant. Wow...this is such a sad story but it sounds like you turned out to be a hard-working, giving and loving person despite your hardships.

Did you try to talk to your mother about this at all? Or would there be no point?

 

[Kaleigh]

Well that stinks emeraldfan. I really don''t know what to say, am kind of floored really. She showed her true colors, huh???

 

[Emeraldfan]

thing2of2 - Talking to her won''t do much good unfortunately. I guess I just need to let it go but I really had to vent as it was eating me up inside.

kaliegh - yes, she really did show her true colors. I didn''t expect her to give me credit for having the idea to get her a pendant (she would and did assume my oldest brother thought of it). but to demand it seems ridiculous. My oldest brother didn''t tell me before we gave it to her cause he knew I wouldn''t be happy with contributing money to it if I had known. Oh well, I am happy I did something nice for her even if she didn''t take it that way.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

That''s exactly right, EF. Your heart was in the right place even if hers wasn''t. I don''t have a bad relationship with my mother, but I was dragged into a group gift a couple of years ago that I thought was pretty stupid, but it wasn''t for nearly that much money.

You have hit the nail on the head, though. You will need to work to be sure you have a much closer relationship with your children than your mother had with you. But I am going to tell you something that maynot be popular. Your kids don''t really want you because you make a lot of money. They want YOU. They want your time and attention. You can dress children in clean and neat clothes without making a ton of money. I always tried to work part-time or not at all when my kids were small, and I am still doing that as the youngest finishes up. Your mom never had time for her kids, and sometimes divorce does cause a single mother to make sacrifices to get retrained and earn a living. But it doesn''t sound like your mom was all that nurturing since she basically made you take over as mother.

I will say that I am not super close to my mother, and I was the oldest of 4 children and she was always busy with the little ones. I have tried much harder to stay very close to my kids.

 

[Skippy123]

Wow, what sweet kids!!! Beautiful!

 

[Emeraldfan]

diamondseeker - thanks. My heart was in the right place and if she can't appreciate it then its her loss. I think my mother liked the idea of having children but when it came to the reality of it she wasn't cut out for it. I tried to have a major talk with her when I was in college and told her I wanted her to be a part of my life. I had one condition which was that I would not talk about how much money my father was making/had and what he was doing with his money (she asked about it all the time). She said no, there could be no conditions and she had a right to know and too bad if I was put in the middle of them. After that we didn't talk for a few years. I kept her away until this past year when my fiance and I started looking at rings and planning the wedding. I hoped time had changed her as it did me. I am more mature than in college and thought I would try and bond with her again. I guess I was wrong as she still is not a person I can have in my life - but I was hoping I wasn't.

On a side note - I guess having a messy house and dirty clothes as a child really did influence me. Now, my house it always super clean as are my clothes. I am neurotic about it so my children will definitely go to school looking appropriate. And, if I can work part-time I will as I do understand that time is the best thing I can give my children. Hopefully regardless of how much I work, they will understand that I love them.

 

[Gothgrrl]

I really think that was a very nice gesture for you to spend your time and efforts to get her something nice. I really feel for you. At least you tried to do something nice for her. It''s too bad that she couldn''t have been excited receiving such a wonderful gift. I for one really commend you.

 

[flopkins]

emeraldfan - you are a very generous person... I am sorry things didn''t turn out the way you wanted w/your mom, but maybe it is for the best... btw, welcome to the bay area!!

 

[risingsun]

You made a gracious gesture towared your mother. Unfortunately, she was unable to accept it. Evidentlly she hasn''t changed, but you have. You have done what you can and I hope you are able to take some comfort in that. Enjoy your engagement and your new life.

 

[partgypsy]

I saw the pendant and I was like wow how did I miss this post, how wonderful! I''m sorry to read further at what the outcome was. I can understand you being happy with your engagement and this time of your life and wanting your Mom to share the same joy and happiness even if estranged. All I can say is that divorce does funny things to people especially women. It''s a loss of both emotional and financial security in one blow, to make one acutely aware of financial aspects of life even to point of being petty and envious of one''s own child''s good fortune, but a constriction of emotions (maybe so as not to be hurt again?)
Anyways you did the right thing, and think of it in the thought it was given not as received. You cannot cure someone''s way of being with a gift, but I will hope as time goes on she will value that both her children and her necklace are truly a gift, both not to be taken for granted.

 

[gailrmv]

I am really sorry to hear of your mom''s reaction. At least you know that your heart was in the right place. You sound like a lovely person. I really respect all the sacrifices that you made to help your siblings as you were growing up. Maybe the greatest gift your mom has unknowingly given you is to teach you how you want to be (or not to be) towards your children, even though you had to learn this through difficult experiences...