My story and about our talk last night

[Dreamgirl]

Hi everyone! I just joined the other day and this place is wonderful! I have already learned quite a bit and Im excited to be a part of these forums. Just to warn you, this is kind of long and if you do read it I thank you for taking the time to read it!

Before I tell the story of last night, here is my "story" in general so that this makes sense, If you dont want to read this part, scroll down to last night.........
I often find myself talking to my guy about the Tiffany Novo since it came out. Once at Tiff''s this past summer, I asked to look at one and I tried it on. My guy was there but on the other side of the store. I called him over. I was in love! I asked him what he thought, and he said it was nice. I thought the ring would be over $15,000 just by the look of it. So I asked how much it was and it was somewhere around $7,000. I thought that wasn''t bad for a Tiffany and then became incredibly excited. (although I don''t know why because I don''t know what his budget would be for an ering. He knows I want a Tiffany though. And I remember one time he did tell me "Don''t worry, I will have money for that"

) After we left Tiff''s I couldn''t stop talking about the ring. I then told him that I really liked it a lot but I thought a larger stone would be better.

I really like the Novo because it has a thinner band and I love that, I feel showcases the center stone. In some rings, I feel the stone gets lost by the band taking over it''s space. I really think that is the ring for me. It is quite feminine, elegant, delicate, girly and like Tiffany''s says "A glimps of the past and a nod to the future." Im kind of an old soul. We are perfect for each other. I think me and the Novo go together like PB&J.

Anyhow, I think I kind of annoy him sometimes because I will start talking about the ring and weddings and I can see how he would get annoyed by that. I can''t seem to stop. I think thats why I joined this place. Because maybe this is the place for me to talk about all this without annoying anyone? I hope anyways!

So here is the kind of silly part- we have been together since 1998 and Im quite sure we wont be engaged for a while yet still. That''s my guess anyways. But, as much as I love him and want to get engaged and married, Im terrified. I live with my parents(my guy and I don''t want to live together until we are married, although we are together everyday. We want to have something new and fun after we are married. Heck we are going on 10 years together! ) and I am extremely close to my mother, she is like my best friend besides my boyfriend. As childish as it sounds, I hate to have to leave her someday. I know I wont live far away, but it wont be the same I guess. So I am kind of a hypocrite because I talk so much about engagements and weddings, but then Im scared. I don''t know, maybe this forum will help me with that. Then again, once he gives me a ring, maybe I will change! Getting married is a big deal to me I guess. I only want to do it once, and to the guy Im with now. I love him so much still. We are inseparable.

Ok, so a few weeks ago we were at Target and looking at magazines. Naturally I was looking at bridal mags. When I went to put it back there was that new Ad Tiff''s has for engagement rings. It has the Tiffany Setting, Novo, Lucida, and the Legacy on it. So I had to show him of course, but this time playfully I asked "Which one do you like?" Hoping that he would say the Novo. He points to the Tiffany Setting. "WHAT?!" I said loudly. "That''s so boring, what about the Novo?!?!" lol. (I do like the Tiff Setting but it''s not me, it''s not my style.) So he said "I like this one because it''s more plain." And Im like UUUGGGHH that''s why I don''t like it. I almost wonder if he said that because he knows how much I like the Novo.

I didn''t sleep well for nights after he said that. I then went to Tiffany''s site and copied all the engagement rings and printed them out on 8 sheets of paper front&back. And proceeded to show him what I had done. "Oh GOD!" He says to me! lol. I told him it bothered me that he likes the Tiff Setting and that I really don''t like it at all. It''s too plain/genaric looking to me and he knows I like uniqueness. So I was starting to show him all the other rings, but never really got to finish. But, after looking at all those rings, I really do still love the Novo. He showed me the Lucida with Trilliant Side Stones and said "how about this one?" I said well yeah but that will cost more. haha! I''ve never seen that one in the store, so I would probably have to see it to know. And trust me, next trip to Tiff''s I will look. lol! I later on tried to show my mother and she said "Are you trying to push him into getting you a ring?" And I said no, its for future reference. She of course likes the Tiffany Setting as well, and because its plain. And I told her "You guys are looking at these rings as something you like for you. I wanted you to look at it for what looks good for me!" She claims the side stones on the Novo would rub against my other fingers and irritate me. I don''t think so! lol.

Last night...
Anyways, since I feel maybe I talk Novo overkill to him, I told him last night that I know I talk about it a lot but I think thats because I never really finish saying what Im saying about it. So I told him hear me out and then I wont talk about it (for a while lol!) So he said ok. I told him that I never got to finish showing him the rings I printed out but that I still really like the Novo. I read on here the other day that Tiff''s can call in another ring from other stores if they don''t have what you want. So I told him about how Tiff''s does that because they have limited amounts of one style engagement ring in the store. Then of course, the guy he is, he asks me "why would they have limited amounts?" I told him well because they cant have 300 Novo''s in stock. haha! I told him that if he remembered last summer when I tried that Novo on, I told him I think it really was too small of a diamond. And of course he tells me that I have little hands though. And I told him "So?! A girl always wants a larger diamond." Anyways I told him that I found out some good info. (I saw cosmogrrl''s .61ct Novo and the size looks perfect, I also really like asianhoney''s .94ct Novo) So I told him I found some "real women''s Novo''s" and told him that someone has a .61ct Novo and it looks much larger than .61ct. So I told him I will want something well over .50 lol. I also told him that I found out they have a .65ct Novo for $8,150 and reminded him (because I have told him this many times before) that they are all priced differently. (btw, I emailed Tiff''s a few weeks ago just curious about certain price ranges for the Novo''s

that''s how I knew this info, didn''t tell him that though) So I told him to expect to pay over $8,000 haha! So then I told him "If you are ever more interested just ask me about this stuff. But for now I still love the Novo. That could change but probably not." I then told him I will show him the pictures of these "real women''s rings" (Im sure they wont mind) then I promised to not talk about it for a while. And lastly I said "Just because I talk about this doesn''t mean I want this right now. Its not time yet. Im not ready." He knows this and I know he isn''t ready just yet either. I don''t want him to think Im pushing this because Im not. And you know what he said to me? He said (sarcastically immitating me) "Im 30, Im not ready yet!" (btw, we are both 26) I sort of freaked out within myself because it made me think so then he wants to get married before 30?! And then I had a mini celebration within myself.

So, am I just crazy or is this normal behavior? Ultimately Im sure he will get me something lovely no matter if it''s the Novo or not. But I have this obsession with what if he gets me the wrong one? That''s why I think Im always telling him about it. And that''s what I told him last night too. All I know for sure is, I DONT want the Tiffany Setting. lol

If you read all this, thanks! I sure did type a lot. lol. Took a while too. But Im glad I got it all out.

 

[Aloros]

Have you talked about a budget with your boyfriend at all? Are you sure he could comfortably afford the ring you want?

If I were your boyfriend, I''d be a little confused and maybe a little resentful. You''re pushing this ring A LOT, and yet you''re not ready for him to propose yet. Don''t worry about him choosing the "wrong" ring. I think you''ve made it very clear which one you want. Why talk about it if you''re not ready yet? Talk about THAT first.

 

[CNOS128]

Maybe I''m reading this wrong, but it seems like you''re much more focused on the ring than on the marriage and leaving your mother part -- which is perhaps what should be concentrating on? That might not be an easy issue to resolve (not wanting to leave home) and I think it''s probably not going to get easier unless you deal with it.

Also, I guess we all have our own values and tastes and things we want, but the fact that you couldn''t sleep well - for multiple nights - because your boyfriend likes a different engagement ring than you do, seems a little out of proportion to me. Are you really losing sleep over a hypothetical piece of jewelry, or was it something else? Fear of actually being engaged?
I don''t want to psychoanalyze, but . . .
Well, I guess I do want to psychoanalyze.

I feel like you''re displacing your anxiety about marriage and it''s manifesting as anxiety about a ring.

Are you interested in overcoming your fear of marriage? I''d really recommend talking to a counselor or therapist. I am not at all saying you''re not normal or anything of the sort, but it sounds like you''re facing a lot right now.

Good luck!!

 

[bee*]

Can I ask why you talk about the ring so much if you''re not ready for the proposal/marriage? Also as Aloros posted, can he comfortably afford what you''re looking for? I''m your age too and was with D for over 8 years before we got engaged last year and although I was extremely excited about it, I didn''t talk about it too much-I think he would have put earplugs in if I kept talking about it! We had a discussion about a year and a half before we bought our ring and we also went to Tiffanys to look around and after that he told me what he would be happy to spend and we got our Lucida last year for a tiny bit over that. It doesn''t seem like you''ve talked properly about the engagment/marriage with your bf if you''re not sure by which age you''re going to be married yet. I would suggest sitting down (not discussing rings), talk about your future, when do you plan to get married, where are you planning to live, children, pets, finances etc?

 

[Dreamgirl]

Yes, as I mentioned he said he would have money for that. I don't believe I need to see a counselor. Goodness please, I just wanted to tell this story. I think it's just mixed emotions. These times in my life are when things are going to change the most and my head runs thru everything that will change. I don't at all fear being engaged. I don't think I so much FEAR marriage. I am very excited to one day get married and spend the rest of my life with this guy. We have discussed all the things we want to do once married. And talk about these things often.

I don't want you guys thinking Im only concerned about the ring. This is just the story about the ring!

Oh, and I don't really fear leaving home, it just will be sad to leave. Maybe I've used the wrong wording?

The reason I think we are not ready for it yet is because he will sometime after summer get a better job with his degree. He wants to be stable in his new job before getting married.

 

[CNOS128]

Wait a minute... in your original post you said you wanted to get married, but you are "terrified." Then later in the post you say again that you''re "scared." I''m quoting, here. But now you''re saying that you don''t fear marriage, you''re just not ready?

I don''t understand.
By the way, people can WANT to be married and STILL be scared to marry. It happens all the time.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Please, I just wanted some support. Perhaps I've used all the wrong wording. I do want to get married, Im just a little scared. There. Everything will be fine, I know. I just wanted to talk.

 

[dragonfly411]

It sounds to me like you are focusing on a ring you aren''t ready for yet, and that might be what is overwhelming to him. He probably hasn''t even thought about shopping, and you are printing pages and pages of rings for him to look at. Every girl gets excited, especially when they find something they love, but for now, make yourself a scrapbook (or as I have done, a computer file) with pictures of rings you like. When he''s ready to purchase he''ll let you know and just say "honey ,lets sit down and look at settings together, I''ll give you my input on why I like them and you can tell me what you think of them, and we''ll find something that is just right for us". I''m sure he wants to feel involved as well. Remember though that the ring is just a representation of your engagement, not your relationship. He''s the one you are marrying,not the ring. That being said, just play cool and enjoy what you like with yourself for now

 

[patient1]

Aww Dreamgirl... I don''t think anyone is trying to make you feel bad. I have a tendency to ramble while I write and sometimes exaggeration to make a point can lead readers to the wrong conclusion. A ''take it with a grain of salt'' mentality should be applied to any post that screams ''Help!'' or ''Advice!'' or ''What do I do?!''. I know I hope PSers do that with mine.

You definitely have a home here! From personal experience, this forum really helps me keep the ''crazy-talk'' down to a minimum with my boyfriend and friends. Maybe you just have some pent up ''crazy'' and you needed to get it all down.

You''ll feel a little better with every post you write... Maybe a little more diamond obsessed like myself, but ultimately you''ll have more peace of mind.

Also... I''m using ''crazy'' in a light-hearted spirit. Please don''t think I''m trying to pick on you! I think we''re all a little ''crazy'' from time to time or else we wouldn''t need a LIW forum.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hm. Let's say...you wanna buy your guy a mp3 player.

He finds one he wants and obsesses about it. He talks about it all the time. He prints out pages of reviews and photos and shows them to you all the time. You say "what about this one, it's cool" and he says "What? NO! That's not me...I want THIS one. It has more features than that one. I don't care if it's more expensive..it's what I want."

Would that take a bit of the fun out of the gift giving for you? I would imagine it might.

Since you don't want advice about counseling, your relationship or anything else, I'll refrain from that. You said this is just a ring post, so I will address that. An engagement ring is a GIFT. Here are on PS, we are all about settings and not being shy about stating our preferences (after all, YOU have to wear it), but for goodness sake, let him enjoy GIVING you this GIFT!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Thats what Im saying Dragonfly. I told him I wasn''t going to talk about it anymore until he asks me about it. That''s why I talked with him about this last night. I just wanted to get out what I have been wanting to say, and then Im done with that.

And I figured I could share the thoughts I get with everyone here instead of talking about it to him. That was kind of the point to this story, I didn''t want to bother him about it anymore because I know it was becoming overkill. I love him more than words can say, but I don''t want to keep bugging him about it.

 

[Dreamgirl]

patient- Thank you so much! I feel better now. It was more of a ramble. Im new so I had a lot to say all at one time and it came out like I am a mess. Uh, I was beginning to think this was a mistake....


TravelingGal- Thank you too! You are very right and I never thought that it would take the fun out of it for him. I think thats another reason why I have to stop. And I think that's why I ended our conversation with the fact that this is what I like and probably always will, but in the future it could change. Just to kind of leave that door open for him, you know?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/27/2008 3:12:10 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
patient- Thank you so much! I feel better now. It was more of a ramble. Im new so I had a lot to say all at one time and it came out like I am a mess. Uh, I was beginning to think this was a mistake....


TravelingGal- Thank you too! You are very right and I never thought that it would take the fun out of it for him. I think thats another reason why I have to stop. And I think that''s why I ended our conversation with the fact that this is what I like and probably always will, but in the future it could change. Just to kind of leave that door open for him, you know?

Well, hopefully you can just hang out here and look at the pretties (although I caution you that it can make the fever much worse). He loves you and will do his best to make you happy...and that''s a pretty cool thing to know, doncha think?

 

[sklingem]

I have heard that in Europe there is no engagement (diamond) ring ... what do people there worry about the entire day??? Lol

 

[KCCutie]

I''m so sorry you don''t feel the PS support you are seeking. I think that''s what this forum is for so I hope that you get the support you need.

I can tell you are very excited about the Novo and it is very pretty so I can''t blame you. I think you did the right thing by sitting him down and getting it all out and now maybe you can just come here when you feel the need to have smaller outbursts and give him time.

You know, I posted a story the other day about my SO and his thoughts on marriage. He''s a little scared too, but like you he really does want to get married. I don''t think a little bit of apprehension is going to stop him from marrying me he just wants (and needs) to work through it and I know he will. I think it''s the same for you.

Getting married and engaged is probably one of the biggest changes in your life and if you have a general fear or apprehension when it comes to change it''s no wonder this big step is a little bit scary. I know, I know, everyone says "you shouldn''t be scared at all you should just know he''s the perfect one!" Well everyone is different so get over it! I''m scared of spiders but not so much that I run out of the room screaming when I see one I kinda go "eek (not even out loud if it''s a small one) and squash it and move on...I think the feeling you have about marriage may be more like that....Just a little "EEEK Change!" and you''ll eventually get over it. However, don''t just push the feelings aside. Keep an eye on them and if they start to get more intense then maybe you need to re-evaluate.

For now enjoy your relationship for what it is and keep the ring talk to PS and I think your guy won''t feel so pushed.

 

[Dreamgirl]

KCCutie- Thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed out of this. Im glad this place is here and it''s somewhere I can come to and post my thoughts. This is the support I need. I can''t keep bugging him about it. And I usually feel a little bad afterwards cause I know its too much for him! haha. It is change that Im affraid of. And that''s probably the exact word I needed to use there.

Lets face it, love makes us do silly things....

And I love him so

 

[surfgirl]

rob, thank you for making me spit my lunch onto my desk...

WARNING! HONEST POST AHEAD...

Look, I read your entire post and I have to be honest - it sounds like you're way younger than you are. Combine that with the obsessing over a ring that you say you're not even ready to get yet, and over dramatizing (IMO) an inanimate object (a ring), losing sleep over said inanimate object, fear of leaving your mother's home, fear of being married, etc. etc. and I would have to strongly agree with TheBigT, it seems like you might want to consider seeking counseling so that you can better understand your fears and learn how to manage them in such a way that they don't interfere in your relationship and in dampening any participation or enjoyment your BF might hope to have in the proposal process.

It sounds like you're rather obsessive about micro-managing the entire process of ring selection and you clearly state that you ONLY want a ring from Tiffany's but then you tell your BF that you expect a LARGER ring that what you saw together and he'd better have over $8k budget for that. IMO, at your ages, that's a huge budget, and "telling" your BF what he'd "better expect to pay" isn't exactly allowing him to figure out what his budget will/should be, is it? It's rather like bullying him into buying you something he might not be able to afford. And to be clear, being able to "afford" a certain budget means being able to pay for it outright, without financing it, and without sacrificing normal household expenses or retirement funds, etc. It doesn't sound like he said he has X amount of dollars available, only that he would have money for a ring when the time comes, which could be anything really, couldn't it? What will you do if he can only afford $5000, or less than that? What if his real budget cannot afford any Tiffany ring except a really small one? Will you compromise and get a similar ring elsewhere? Or get a small Tiffany ring just because it's Tiffany, and then be unhappy about it? I ask these questions because you say that you'll be happy with whatever he gets you. Except a solitaire. And only from Tiffany's. And only a Novo, nothing else. As you read those last few sentences, can you sort of imagine now how your BF hears what you're talking about all the time? It cant be fun. Or inspiring for him. I imagine he'd be worn out, to be honest.

I think a little counseling would be great to help you settle yourself a bit with the issues you've mentioned and I'm guessing a by product of some solid counseling will naturally help you to see that a ring is not the most important aspect of marriage, and that whatever your BF can really afford to give you, will be perfect for you.

As for coming here to get support, "support" comes in different packages and one of those packages is honesty. You will find that people here speak their mind and are usually very honest. So, while you will find people who will be sympathetic to your story, you will also find people who will point out what they see/hear in your posts. It's one of the better aspects of PS, IMO.

 

[mimzy]

i hope that you don't always lose multiple nights of sleep whenever he has an opinion that is different than yours, especially about something that is a purely aesthetic choice like a ring!

i also suggest that if you don't want people to say that they like anything other than the novo, don't ask for their opinion! just tell them that's the one you love and let them agree with you

.

 

[Dani511]

Hi Dreamgirl!

I would just like to offer a little support.

When you mentioned about having tried on a ring that you love, and then feeling so excited about it that you just HAD to talk about it, even though you knew you weren''t getting engaged right away- thats definitly me!

Part of the reason I had joined Pricescope (and I am so glad I did) is because sometimes I just want to talk about these things! I get in moods where I get excited about a setting, or I day dream about my "engagement", or getting married (to my boyfriend of 4 years, whom I love dearly)- but yet I don''t want to feel like I am annoying my BF. I wrote a long post myself pretty recently about all of my own issues, lol. And for the record, I don''t think that you had come across as though the ring is more important than your relationsip, b/c I mull over which ring I would want all of the time!! Do I really want one of the settings we had picked out? Do I want a custom setting for my diamond? etc...and yet my relationship is still the most important thing. I understand what you mean.

I am also very close to my mother, and I am almost 26 and live at home, so I can see how it would be a sad thing. One of the reasons I didn''t want to move to Boston (where my BF is from, he recently moved to NY where I live) was because I didn''t want to be too far from my mother. I don''t think that is unhealthy, it just shows that you have a close relationship with your mom, as do I. I understand, and when the time is right, everything will work out!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

surfgirl-Thanks for your opinion but I think you miss-understand my posting. And you can''t really judge my age by one posting. Also, I think it''s ridiculous to suggest counseling just by my commenting as well. Whats wrong with dreaming? If in the end, I get some crackerjack box ring, I would be happy with it. I just want him to know what I like. It''s true, I might be micro-managing the process but that''s just my personality. I like to be in control of most situations. As far as the ring, I think you are exaggerating as well, that ring I saw..I had just asked to look at it without knowing the size and all. I was goofing off that day anyway. I don''t see anything wrong with discussing what I like to him. He does it with me as well all the time. I also didn''t tell him he "better pay" a certain amount. I was just informing him on about how much this size goes for (future reference.) Just trying to let him know so that he "knows." Also, that day I tried that ring on, he also thought that wasn''t too bad of a price.

Ultimately, I would OBVIOUSLY take anything he gives me because in the end, I really only want him. That is just something that will remind me of our love.

 

[bee*]

Date: 3/27/2008 3:15:50 PM
Author: rob09
I have heard that in Europe there is no engagement (diamond) ring ... what do people there worry about the entire day??? Lol

not true! I live in Europe and have quite a few friends in France, Spain, Germany and Belgium and all of them have e-rings!


Dream-what you'll find on PS is that there's all different types of support offered here. Some people will just sympathise with you and others will give you advice-it's all given in good spirit and people are just trying to help you, whichever type of way they offer support.


Whoops-just found out surfgirl said the same thing at the end of her post

 

[Dreamgirl]

Dani511- Thanks girl! Im glad to know Im not the only one. We sound like we have some stuff in common.

My guy moved here to Co from Mn to be with me.

bee*- Yep. And Im good with that. I think this is the place I need to be right now! haha. And I really do thank all of you for reading my incredibly long posting!

BTW, Im not sure it was nights of sleep that I missed. More like 1 night. You will learn that I can also be a bit of a drama queen. HA!

 

[surfgirl]

It''s interesting to me, from a psychological perspective, that when anyone on this thread has taken the time to give you some heartfelt advice or a take on your post that isn''t what you want to hear, you react extremely defensively and seem to go back on what you clearly said in your original post. You say that there is no way for someone to judge your age by your post. And you also say that it is "ridiculous" for anyone to suggest that you might need some counseling (what do you have against counseling anyway?) And you said that I "miss-understood" your post. I don''t think I misunderstood your post at all. In fact, here are your own words (which I took quite a bit of time to read and respond to):

"I don''t know what his budget would be for an ering."

"I think I kind of annoy him sometimes because I will start talking about the ring and weddings and I can see how he would get annoyed by that. I can''t seem to stop."

"as I love him and want to get engaged and married, Im terrified."

"As childish as it sounds, I hate to have to leave her someday."

"he said "I like this one because it''s more plain." And Im like UUUGGGHH that''s why I don''t like it. I almost wonder if he said that because he knows how much I like the Novo...I didn''t sleep well for nights after he said that."

"I then went to Tiffany''s site and copied all the engagement rings and printed them out on 8 sheets of paper front&back. And proceeded to show him what I had done. "Oh GOD!" He says to me!"

"I later on tried to show my mother and she said "Are you trying to push him into getting you a ring?"

"I told him that if he remembered last summer when I tried that Novo on, I told him I think it really was too small of a diamond. And of course he tells me that I have little hands though. And I told him "So?! A girl always wants a larger diamond."

"I told him to expect to pay over $8,000"

"I told him I will want something well over .50."

"I don''t want him to think Im pushing this because Im not."

"Ultimately Im sure he will get me something lovely no matter if it''s the Novo or not. But I have this obsession with what if he gets me the wrong one?"

"I talk so much about engagements and weddings, but then Im scared. I don''t know, maybe this forum will help me with that. Then again, once he gives me a ring, maybe I will change!"

Actually, all of the above - to me - indicate that you are a bit out of control over this whole ring/engagement thing, and that you have some issues about moving out/away from your parents home. And while that''s nothing to be ashamed of, that IS what a good therapist/counselor can help you with in terms of learning WHY you feel the need to obsess over this and why you''re afraid of moving into this next phase in your life. Posting on an internet forum is nice but it doesn''t substitute for trained counseling.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 3/27/2008 3:15:50 PM
Author: rob09
I have heard that in Europe there is no engagement (diamond) ring ... what do people there worry about the entire day??? Lol

You are a BAD, BAD person to perpetuate this rumour!

I know quite a few men in Europe who would love to use that excuse!

I have an e-ring and live in the UK, and everyone I know who is married/engaged has an e-ring.

It used to be less common in Italy/Spain etc but... they found out about e-rings and now they have them them too!

Surfgirl - as usual, and to use your own phrase (now I know what it means) - Word!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 3/27/2008 1:52:12 PM
Author:Dreamgirl

And lastly I said ''Just because I talk about this doesn''t mean I want this right now. Its not time yet. Im not ready.'' He knows this and I know he isn''t ready just yet either. I don''t want him to think Im pushing this because Im not. And you know what he said to me? He said (sarcastically immitating me) ''Im 30, Im not ready yet!'' (btw, we are both 26) I sort of freaked out within myself because it made me think so then he wants to get married before 30?! And then I had a mini celebration within myself.

Dreamgirl, this portion of your post forced one of my eyebrows up while the other went down. In one breath you are telling him that you are not ready yet, then in the very next moment, when he mentions the age of 30 (sarcastically), you had a mini celebration because you thought that it might mean he''ll be ready to get married by then? This, coupled with the fact that you are admittedly obsessed with your engagement ring (not saying that''s bad) makes me think that you are ready for marriage, but you''re telling him that you aren''t ready because you know he''s not ready yet.

First, have you guys had a serious discussion about a marriage timeline? I know you''ve been together for a decade, so marriage conversations must have come up, but it sounds like there is no definitive timeline?

Second, I think discussing a budget is important. I know he''s alluded to the fact that he will have the money when it comes time to buy an e-ring, but there hasn''t been any definitive conversation about the budget. To me it sounds like size is important to you, but he didn''t seem very enthusiastic about spending more than $8,000 on an e-ring, so you''re trying to accommodate that. Once you have a real budget then you can start to think about what you want (Novo in that price range or a larger cushion cut diamond on a micropave band = poof! Novo!)

Third, have you thought about moving out on your own for a bit? You guys are currently 26 and based on your post, you''re not expecting to be married before you''re 30 or so. Are there any plans in place for you to move out on your own? I think it would be a great way to get used to not living with your mom and giving you a bit of space before getting married. That way you wouldn''t have to go directly from living with your parents to moving in with him. Having some time on your own between those two events would be ideal.

If nothing else, I have no doubt that he knows EXACTLY what you want. I love cushions and think the Novo is beautiful, so you have wonderful taste! I know that being a LIW can be tough (I was with my bf for nearly a decade before we were married, too) but I think what is important to you is to figure out exactly what you want from the relationship and create a plan WITH him: when do you want to be engaged? How long of an engagement would you like? How far away from your mother are you willing to live? When would you like to have children, etc. When you guys feel like you''re on the same page and really wanting the same things, then the e-ring discussions become more relevant.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/27/2008 5:19:24 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 3/27/2008 3:15:50 PM

Author: rob09

I have heard that in Europe there is no engagement (diamond) ring ... what do people there worry about the entire day??? Lol

You are a BAD, BAD person to perpetuate this rumour!

I know quite a few men in Europe who would love to use that excuse!


I have an e-ring and live in the UK, and everyone I know who is married/engaged has an e-ring.


It used to be less common in Italy/Spain etc but... they found out about e-rings and now they have them them too!


Surfgirl - as usual, and to use your own phrase (now I know what it means) - Word!

BRIEF THREADJACK AHEAD...

Ah Pandora...my "across the pond soul sister"...Yeah, I thought of you when I read rob's post! While it was immensely funny to me, I thought you'd read it and say "What you talk'in 'bout Willis?!?" (did you get that reference? Different Strokes...really awesomely bad US sitcom from back in the day...).

Oh, and I'm thrilled you can now use the word "Word!" properly in a sentence. Good for you! I'm still working on how to realistically work in "pip pip, cheerio" into actual conversation with British colleagues!

THREADJACK OVER...

NEL,as always, great advice on the moving out idea!

 

[ladypirate]

You''ve gotten plenty of solid advice here, so I won''t add to that.

What I will say, however, is that if you aren''t absolutely set on Tiffany''s, you may want to look at buying a loose diamond and having it set. If the brand name means that much to you, then go for it, but the novo setting (to me, anyhow) is very similar to a lot of other settings, such as Ritani''s Endless Love. You could get a larger diamond of equal quality (the square hearts and arrows cut from Good Old Gold is very close to the Novo) and not break the bank on it. Do a search for "Novo" on the forums and you''ll find plenty of threads about it.

Anyhow, just something to think about.

 

[scm1012]

My experience was slightly similar to yours in the sense that we are the same age, I still live at home(not moving until FI and I are married), were together 5 years by the time we got engaged and while I was sooo excited it was still bittersweet because it was such a huge step in both our lives, so to be honest, it was a little scary.

I wanted to get engaged at the 2 year mark. I got an itch and I raised hell. I wanted to get engaged and I wanted a ring. And my then BF didn''t budge. Thank goodness because we were not ready. I had binders of rings I loved...I started doing wedding-related research and pre-planning the wedding of the century. BF still would not budge. One birthday card he gave me around that time he wrote, "I love you so much and I am working hard so I can give you the world but I am not ready to take the next big step in getting engaged." That really hit home for me. He loves me, but he''s just not ready yet. I could handle that.

At that point, I dropped the whole engagement thing. I tried my hardest to stop being so obsessed, tried my best to not mention it to my BF, and left the whole thing alone. Instead, I concentrated on our relationship as it was and the ways we could improve, get closer, become a better team. I had to practice living in the moment rather than fantasizing about the future so much.

Early in 2007, I told BF, "I love you so much and I am not rushing you....i will wait forever....but I hope you make it happen soon." And I left it at that. Soon after he started looking at settings and stones all on his own. He''d e-mail me pics of what he liked and I did the same. This went on for months. We disagreed on settings, I wanted a solitaie and he wanted sidestones. I wanted a lower grade color(J) he wanted the best he could possibly afford.

And as this went on, I began to realize, I really didn''t care what he got me. To the point where one day when he was stressing about it I told him, "I don''t want you spending over $_____ amount....why don''t you just get me a simple band, I will be thrilled with that." I totally meant this. You may not understand why I would say something so insane, but there is a reason for that.

To make a long story short, I ended getting exactly what my FI had envisioned for me. And let me tell you, I AM IN LOVE WITH MY RING. It was something I liked but didn''t really envision it on myself but when I saw it I knew it was perfect for me. And to know my FI chose it with me in mind and with all his heart so that makes it exquisite. And it really is gorgeous.

My honest opinion as a recent girlfriend and a newly engaged person is.....you''re not ready yet on any level. Your BF is not ready yet. And that is okay. Give him time. Tell him you will love whatever he picks out for you and mean it. Focus on your relationship as it is and learn how to make it more solid so that when the time is finally right you will both be ready for it.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 3/27/2008 5:38:03 PM
Author: surfgirl

BRIEF THREADJACK AHEAD...

Ah Pandora...my ''across the pond soul sister''...Yeah, I thought of you when I read rob''s post! While it was immensely funny to me, I thought you''d read it and say ''What you talk''in ''bout Willis?!?'' (did you get that reference? Different Strokes...really awesomely bad US sitcom from back in the day...).

Oh, and I''m thrilled you can now use the word ''Word!'' properly in a sentence. Good for you! I''m still working on how to realistically work in ''pip pip, cheerio'' into actual conversation with British colleagues!

THREADJACK OVER...

NEL,as always, great advice on the moving out idea!

Lol, I would go for ''toodle pip'' - they''ll really raise an eyebrow or two then

FINAL THREADJACK OVER

 

[beebrisk]

You''ve lost sleep over a ring that you don''t expect to get for a few years? Wow.

Might I suggest that you stop a moment, take a good long deep breath and someday soon, sit down with your BF and talk about marriage, future, plans, dreams, etc...?

If all that goes well, then I think you can start obsessing about the ring--when the time is right.

Ring obsession is a very common theme around here, and goodness knows, we can ALL relate--But not YEARS before the event is likely to take place!

Who wants to take bets that between now and the time you actually get engaged, you''ll find several other platinum pretties becoming the object of your obsession and affection?