My wife Linda has passed on...

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/6/2006 8:00:37 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
You guys are making me cry...

I''m getting all kinds of PM''s from people who are in the same situation as Linda and I were.

Stick it out, people. Forgiveness is the key. It closes the gap.

You''re never going to find the ''perfect'' person. They don''t exist. The perfect person is the one whom you are able to forgive, and they forgive you. Then you have perfection.

You know I''m still a newlywed, Rich, so I haven''t really faced much of the "stick it out times" yet myself.....but I will tell you what resonated with me from your first post about your experience with Linda.

You reached a crossroads and you were ready to throw in the towel. You have to choose between staying and leaving, and you consciously CHOSE to stay.

I think this is really the defining moment in most relationships...the difference between the ones that flourish and the ones that don''t. Having it really work means finding the strength and creativity to find a reason--any reason, big or small--to CHOOSE to stay. You can choose to stay just for today if thinking too far ahead is daunting. And tomorrow, you can choose it again.

It doesn''t matter what prompts one to make that choice. In your case, it was finding out Linda was ill. In the case of friends I know, it was because they couldn''t really work out a way to afford separate living arrangements, and once they decided to stay, they worked on how to make it work better.
I remember my parents facing this, too, when I was about 9. My dad was facing a military transfer to Puerto Rico, and things were bad. There was talk of them separating. Instead, they each chose to stay together, and we moved as a family. For each of them, I think the reasons were "I''m too stubborn to give up" and "we are the ones no one thought would make it, and I''m not going to prove them right." Hehehe - whatever works, no matter how trivial it seems.

My parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary five days before I married Rich last year, and they are happier now than they were in the early infatuation days. That deep bond and love they share today was hard-fought-for, and richly earned. When they talk about defining moments in their marriage, the examples nearly always feature the hardships they faced and conquered. It''s the really difficult times that they feel built the character and depth in their relationship and their trust in each other.
Rich and I exchanged both traditional vows and "from the heart" personal vows to each other when we married. Of everything that he said to me in that minute, the one I remember keenly is "I promise to stay with you." It was the most meaningful thing he said to me, and I said the same to him. No matter what, I will not leave.

I''m sure that resolve will be tested over the years. When it is, I will call to mind your powerful example of choosing to stay and the immeasureable rewards you realized. I will pray for the strength and courage to choose to stay.

Stick it out.....those are great words to live by. Thanks for the wisdom. I''m sure it will come in handy.

 

[icekid]

Every time I read this thread it makes me cry!

Rich, I really want to thank you for taking the time to share the wisdom you''ve gained over the years. Your words are truly beautiful.

 

[Janis]

Date: 1/6/2006 8:00:37 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
You guys are making me cry...

I''m getting all kinds of PM''s from people who are in the same situation as Linda and I were.

Stick it out, people. Forgiveness is the key. It closes the gap.

You''re never going to find the ''perfect'' person. They don''t exist. The perfect person is the one whom you are able to forgive, and they forgive you. Then you have perfection.

I am fairly new here and accidentally found this thread. I just want to say that it has been very moving to read these posts. And Rich is so right. Marriage is about commitment and unconditional love and forgiveness. That is the model God has shown to us. May God bless you for your faithfulness and commitment to your wife, Rich. Thank you for sharing your story. I will pray for you.

Janis

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Man, this is really starting to hurt.

I rented "Schindler's List" tonight, which is a movie that usually helps me put things in perspective.

This, in addition to a very large bottle of wine.

It's not working...

 

[Sundial]

Rich we all wish there were words we could say to take away your pain. People you don't even know are praying for you right now.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 1/9/2006 11:12:49 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Man, this is really starting to hurt.

I rented ''Schindler''s List'' tonight, which is a movie which usually helps me put things in perspective.

This, in addition to a very large bottle of wine.

It''s not working...

I''m so sorry Richard. My heart goes out to you and know that so many are thinking of you and are here for you.

Heather

 

[BrownEyes]

Rich:

Remember:

The spirit of one loved never truly leaves us ...
The soul lives on in way sometimes imperceptible, but always felt.

Linda will be with you always.

And time is really a great healer ... the good memories will remain with you,
and the more difficult memories will eventually fade away.

Godspeed ... BrownEyes

 

[Kaleigh]

I am so very sorry Richard. This has to be the hardest time ever. Everyone is thinking of you and pulling for you. I can''t say anything else to make you feel better, but wanted you to know I am sorry for all the pain you are experiencing right now. Linda is right there with you, remember that.

 

[1sophia]

7 years ago I experienced a devastating loss. People would try and console me. I can''t believe some of the responses I received to such a loss. I know they came from the heart but not many came from experience. So of all the statements and speeches I heard, the one that was closest to my heart and said it all without saying too much, was simply.

I''m sorry for your loss,(hug).

 

[decodelighted]

I really wish I could do or write something that would take away some of your pain. You''ve had such wise words to all of us about relationships ... maybe I can give you this. Pain isn''t permanent.

Keep in close touch with your family & friends .. and if you still feel as raw in a few days, consider reaching out to your doctor. I''ve been helped by the occaisional Rx & there''s no shame in taking care of yourself however you need to, as long as you need to.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Thanks guys. The evenings are the toughest, and your words definitely help.

I woke up feeling better today, and then worked out for a couple hours. That helped too.

It's a process, isn't it? There's no escaping it...

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 1/10/2006 10:12:27 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Thanks guys. The evenings are the toughest, and your words definitely help.

I woke up feeling better today, and then worked out for a couple hours. That helped too.

It''s a process, isn''t it? There''s no escaping it...

Yes, it is. And often doesn''t hit you until after when you are faced with only you and the emptyness. Your heart will never be whole again; but, the pieces fit back as best they can with time. Pain is a feeling.

 

[maribel]

It is,indeed, a process. And,unfortunately, not a linear one. It''s up and down, back and forth, almost like the swinging of a pendulum. There''s no timetable and no one grieves in the same way. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to feel what you feel and, eventually, the swinging becomes calmer. You''re still in my thoughts.

 

[Patty]

Ah, Rich, I''m sorry that last night was hard but I''m glad you are doing a bit better today. One word of advice...No more Schindler''s List!

I agree with F&I that often it''s when the funeral is over and the company has left that the emptiness hits. I''m sorry that you have to go through this but I''m glad that you are talking about it and sharing with all of us. I just wish that there were something I could do to help.

Hang in there.

 

[Gemklctr]

Rich,
Sound advice from F&I, maribel and Patty. After I lost my wife, a close friend who had lost a child explained to me that, while you never entirely get over such a tragedy, you learn to live with it. You compartmentalize the pain and secure it where you can still function, including living, loving and even being happy again. My experience has borne that out, but it takes time, help from others who love you, and a determined effort on your own part not to let your understandable sorrow defeat you. From what you have told us, we (and you) know that Linda would not want that. I understand only too well why the evenings, when you have downtime on your own, are the toughest.
Feel free to reach out if you have the need. Take care.
Bob

 

[BrownEyes]

Working late last night, I took a break on PriceScope. read and responded to your thread re: Schindler''s List - - you sounded so lost ...

When I walked back into my office, I noticed, as if for the first time, a plaque that sits on my desk facing me everyday, which means a lot to me and the way I live my life, but which I see so often that I sometimes don''t even see it - if you know what I mean.

In any event, it''s a saying which defines the true meaning of a good and successful life. Last night, it occurred to me that it also applied to you, in your relationship with Linda and probably in other areas of your life, too.

Here it is:

To laugh often and love much;
To win the respect of intelligent persons & the approbation of honest critics;
To earn the affection of children & endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give of one''s self;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation;
To know even one life breathed easier because you have lived ...
This is to have succeeded.

Linda definitely ''breathed easier'' in her life because you were there to take care of her. I hope this helps you tonight.

BrownEyes

 

[hoorray]

Rich,

I hate to hear the pain you are going through now that life starts to go on. You probably have some hard nights ahead of you as you re-enter life in a different place. I can only imagine, and dread with all my heart the day that I have to go through something similar. I can''t say I know how you are feeling, as I haven''t gone through it, but I do firmly believe that once you get through the pain of the immediate loss you''ll start to find the joy of Linda with you in your heart all day long.

I''m so sorry for your loss...

Lauren

 

[Hest88]

Rich, sweetheart, sending a big virtual hug from the West Coast.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

group hug! group hug!

watch the hands, hest.

 

[kaylagee]

Date: 1/10/2006 7:54:26 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
group hug! group hug!


watch the hands, hest.

 

[pinkangel]

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and yours. God Bless.

 

[Matata]

Date: 1/10/2006 7:54:26 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
group hug! group hug!

watch the hands, hest.

Well...I was almost on board to join the West Coast group hug but if you insist on decorum I''ll have to come back at a later date. Decodelighted has convinced me that PS-sing whilst fortified with aged grape juice allows one automatic dispensation for foolish cyber actions.........but......
I''m....................






not.............




quite..........there





yet


almost



really really close though

 

[orangevixen]

Rich, I had those margaritas for Linda, and now I''m really in the mood to join that west coast group hug....

all the way from sunny CA....

{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}

Hope you''re hanging in there tonight!

-Kelly

 

[mepearl53]

Rich, I just read your post and feel so bad for not seeing it. I feel for you. Hang in the buddy.

take care

 

[Hest88]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 88px">Date: 1/10/2006 7:54:26 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
group hug! group hug!

watch the hands, hest.

Tsk, tsk, Richard. You know I never misbehave when Garry H. might catch me. Those Aussies get violent when they''re jealous.

 

[old timer]

Richard, Please forgive me if I am too forward,for I am a newcomer to this arena. I am so compelled to respond to your grief of your beloved wife''s passing. I ,too have been blessed with a wonderful spouse. We have been married 30 years, though having met in high school, have been together 34 years. Let''s celebrate Linda''s life and what she brought those she touched. Would I be disrespectful if I said we should revel in the humor and irony she saw in her day to day life? As you stated, Linda was a healer. Therefore, she was a lover of humanity. What better epitaph can any of us have? Loving life, not our own, but that of another; that is a truly wonderful legacy. Bless you, Richard.

Vel

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Date: 1/14/2006 7:06:53 AM
Author: old timer
Richard, Please forgive me if I am too forward,for I am a newcomer to this arena. I am so compelled to respond to your grief of your beloved wife''s passing. I ,too have been blessed with a wonderful spouse. We have been married 30 years, though having met in high school, have been together 34 years. Let''s celebrate Linda''s life and what she brought those she touched. Would I be disrespectful if I said we should revel in the humor and irony she saw in her day to day life? As you stated, Linda was a healer. Therefore, she was a lover of humanity. What better epitaph can any of us have? Loving life, not our own, but that of another; that is a truly wonderful legacy. Bless you, Richard.


Vel

Hi Vel, welcome to the forum. No, you''re not too forward or disrespectful at all, and your suggestions are dead on.

One interesting thing about Linda was that she smiled, laughed and even cracked jokes right up to the last day she was conscious. It was amazing to watch. I think it was her way of making all of us feel better. She was always selfless in that way, and would be the first to tell us to revel, celebrating her life instead of mourning her death.

And I don''t mourn her death, really. I know the afterlife to be a fact, and for many our deaths are going to be the happiest and most exciting time of our life.

It''s the emptiness that gets me. No longer having anyone to talk to that intimately understands you. No longer seeing their smile, hearing their voice, feeling their touch.

That''s where the grief comes in. It''s grief for yourself, not for the other person.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Along those lines I would like to pass along a teaching that I discovered which has helped me immensely in handling grief.

The teaching is by Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power Of Now, and subsequent books. He has no particular religious affiliation, but quotes many of the great spiritual masters. I particularly like how he frequently quotes and interprets Jesus's teachings with a clarity often found missing from the pulpits.

Basically Eckhart teaches that most people live in the past or the future, while our lives are always created in this present moment, "the now".

For many, this living in the past or the future creates stress and anxiety, because all our grief, regret, guilt and remorse is usually from the past, while all our fear and anxiety is usually from the future.

However, in "this present moment", we are almost always "okay". More than okay in fact, we can be filled with a peace that passes all understanding, even a joy, if we no longer allow our minds to torture us with negative thoughts of the past or future.

Each time our mind relives a past "offense" or future "fear", our bodies react as if the event is actually happening to us at that time. The body doesn't know the difference, and assimilates the negative emotion as if it is happening at that moment, and reacts by accumulating stress.

He refers to this accumulated stress as a "pain body", or body of accumulated pain. This body often becomes heavier in a person's soul the longer they live, particularly if they are unable to forgive, and release bitterness.

This pain body can unexpectedly rise to the surface in a most startling manner within people that you thought you knew well. One moment they are the person you know and love, and the next they are stessed out beings spewing emotional poison from festered wounds of offenses long past.

He teaches a practical spiritual method for dissolving this pain. First, stop creating new pain for yourself by entering into your state of "being" at this present moment. Not your mind, but your essence, your spirit. Your mind will try to rule your emotions with incessant chatter of fear and anxiety. Your "being" naturally rests in a state of peace.

It's simpler for me to understand if I look at it through the Bible's teaching. We are a spirit, we have a soul (our mind, will & emotions), and we live in a temporary body. Your spirit is your "God essence", a pristine & pure energy of total peace and awareness. Our soul is our mind, will and emotions which often creates a frenzied state of stress by dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

In reality, the past is a memory and the future never comes. Your entire life is "now". If you begin to focus on the now, living it to it's fullest, free of the anxiety of past or future, you will begin to live the fullest possible life.

So first, stop creating new pain for yourself. Second, go back and dissolve old pain. You do that by entering into that heightened state of awareness (your being, your spirit, free of the tyranny of the mind), and go back to view past offenses which caused you emotional wounds.

This is the scarey part, for many of those instances are emotional "monsters" to us, which we have avoided all our lives.

In reality they are not that powerful though. Many of them were created in childhood, magnified a thousand times through the eyes of a child. When taken head on by bringing the light of your heightened awareness upon them, their darkness quickly dissipates.

The key to all this is attaining awareness, coming from a state of unconsciousness to a state of consciousness. Jesus referred to this as "scales falling from your eyes". A person who has become conscious is no longer ruled by their soul, but begins to rule their soul instead.

Unconsciousness can be likened to a state of insanity. An unconscious person, or unconscious people group, is capable of all kinds of brutality or atrocity, often not even being aware that they are doing it. As Jesus said, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do."

A conscious person is able to exercise forgiveness. In that, is the key. Forgiveness is always the way to freedom. If you are able to forgive, you will never be held prisoner to offenses and negative emotions. You will soar above them like an eagle.

There is considerable evidence that humankind is dramatically elevating to a higher state of consciousness at this time. There are more spiritual masters and more spiritual students on this earth than at any point in the history of the world. Huge spiritual "revivals" and "awakenings" are occurring throughout the planet. The collective consciousness of the human race is being elevated, one person at a time.

Do you want to know how you can personally help the human race? Help yourself, by raising your spiritual consciousness. Each person going from unconsciousness to consciousness raises the collective consciousness of the entire human race. Can you imagine what would happen in this world if there were a 10% increase in love, forgiveness and compassion manifested because of multitudes of spiritual awakenings?

 

[MissGotRocks]

If only we could make a conscious effort to embrace this philosphy every day.

It would certainly take effort but would be well worth it. There is so much truth in it for me ~ thank you for sharing this.

You are an incredible person ~ I admire you for being able to reach out to others even in your time of grief.

Peace.