Need advice: my first wedding controversy. :(

[Faerievert]

I would probably go for a compromise on the food in exchange for going with his rabbi. Getting married by someone I know and like would be more important that whether a few people would be disappointed by the menu. Buffet style with good veggie (there''s lots of options, like veggie lasagna or pad thai) and fish should be fine. If they charge one price no matter what you get, maybe you could have swordfish... yum.

 

[peonygirl]

Hey guys. I'm actually in the middle of midterms now which is why I haven't responded. I guess my issue with my mom is partially philosophical and partially practical. Whether we serve two fishes and one pasta dish or a meat, fish, and a pasta dish really doesn't matter at all for true kashrut purposes because a) the kitchen isn't kosher and b) there will be other meat dishes begining made at the kitchen at the same time so does it really matter if they're serving our group or someone else's? Also, everyone who's coming to my wedding who's kosher is somewhat lax about it and they would have no problem chosing one of the veggie dishes while meat is being served to other people.

And although I've mentioned that I'm not a big meat-eater myself, I actually do think that is would be a disappointment for some people coming to the wedding. There are a lot of meat and potato kinda guys coming (including my brother and future FIL) and while *yes* I'm sure they would still have a great time at the wedding, I think food and music are probably the two most important aspects of the wedding besides the ceremony and getting married, so I'd rather try to make please people in these areas.

Finally, it just seems arbitrary that she's picking this point to dwell on when we're not even kosher at home. I'm planning to wear a dress that bares my arms for example; why is this okay and having meat at my wedding isn't? I'm also not planning to fast the morning of my wedding or wear an opaque veil like some very religious Jews do. I am incorporating basically every other Jewish tradition into wedding though, because those things make sense and have spirtual significance to me. Having a kosher wedding when I have mixed meat and millk my whole life makes no sense to me, especially when other people won't be bothered by it. I guess I'll just have to table the issue for now and see if my mom comes around in a bit. If she doesn't I guess I could still consider having a vegetarian wedding, but it just sucks that my mom is being so judgemental about things. Today she rejected my future in-laws offer to give us $1500 toward having the rehersal dinner at a restaurant because "restaurants are too stuffy and formal for something like a rehersal dinner" and she wants it to be at our house. I love my mom, but sometimes she drives me crazy!

 

[moon river]

Midterms and weddings and mothers....Oh my!!! You are being stressed out!!!! Remember, it''s your wedding and not your mother''s. If she wanted kosher to be an important part of your life she would have raised you that way...No matter WHAT the men in her life wanted. She can''t change the rules in the middle of the game.
In all fairness it would be good for you to alert those that may be offended in advance of your reception if the meal is not kosher. Then it would be their choice to attend or not.

 

[peonygirl]

moon river, not to be glib but I think the only person who would be offended is my mother! She already told me that all of my relatives who might come are fine with just eating the dairy dishes even if meat is served to others. We would of course have to tell them in advance if any appetizers included meat, but that would be no problem. Probably about 3/4 of the food during the cocktail hour (if not all of it) would be meat-free. My DF is Jewish, but the people in his family are all reform so they don''t keep kosher.

 

[Mara]

maybe it's something with mothers but mine turned very hard to deal with about 2-3 months out from the wedding...i don't know WHY as typically we are very close, almost two peas in a pod (maybe that's the problem, haha!) we even didn't talk for a few weeks and she threatened not to come to the wedding because of it all... she was also going through menopause at the time, eventually she calmed down and eventually we made up and both apologized (even though I still didn't get what it had all been about, but i wanted the drama to be over), so i chalked it up to a combo of menopause and wedding drama, but YIKES, it was kind of hairy for a while. so at least yours sounds better so far.

 

[XChick03]

I really hope my mom doesn''t do this. Of course, she just told me today she wouldnt'' care if we decided to get married in Fiji to save ourselves the stress. I''d bet she''d have a fit if we did it though. Mothers, we love ''em but they drive us crazy.

This is a really tough situation. The best advice I can give is to keep talking to her and carefully explain all the reasons why you don''t want to and ask her why it''s so important to her, especially since you don''t keep a kosher house. If she still insists, try to compromise somehow. To be honest, I don''t know a whole lot about kosher food. One of my closest friends is Jewish, but they are very lax also, but maybe you could find someway to make you both happy?

Maybe she''s having a really bad case of empty nest? My mom did that when I moved in with my BF and again when I told her we were planning on getting engaged. It''s like when a wedding gets mentioned they realize their babies are finally all grown up and they tend to get a little nutty. All of my friend''s mom have done similar things while planning their weddings, too. Maybe you could just have a nice long talk with her and see if the Kosher food is really what''s bothering her.