Need advice please on dealing with coworker

[YadaYadaYada]

I decided to edit my original post to just get to the heart of my question.

What is the best way to deal with a passive aggressive coworker? Is it best to ignore the behavior or confront the person?

I ignored it last night because I felt like if she saw I had a reaction, it would reinforce her behavior. DH feels I should have at least said something, so not sure what the best approach is.

 

[seaurchin]

I’d ignore her aside from being friendly on distant acquaintance level, and not engage with the other lady about her either.

My reasons are first, she sounds like a drama queen, which rules her out as someone you can work out a problem reasonably and permanently with.

Also, it sounds like there’s a “triangle” going on here with you, her and the other gal, and when one side of a triangle is removed, the triangle collapses.

Hopefully after a bit of time and not engaging, the connection with her will drop from troubled to neutral, which would be my goal with her because she sounds too exhausting and annoying for more than that.

She’ll probably continue stirring up mess with others though imo so just staying outside of all of it is probably the most comfortable choice, even though it is a loss to not be pals with the co-workers. Jmo

 

[kenny]

Many people have various definitions of "passive aggressive".

What exactly is this person doing?

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@kenny, my original post had the whole story but it was too much of a book. To try to keep it short, when I first started working there I caught her gossiping about me (heard it myself) and when I confronted her, she gaslighted me and told me she didn’t say anything about me.

There has recently been a lot of conflict between her and another coworker, they both vent to me so I’ve found myself in the middle. Well something has upset this woman because she is barely speaking to me which is fine. However last night she threw away two packages of gluten-free muffins that were on my table. Everyone in the bakery knows I eat gluten-free and these were marked down by half so anytime I find discounted GF items, I buy them. Only two of us there, left the bakery for five minutes and when I came back the muffins were gone and trash had been taken out. I had not paid for them though, if that was the case I would have confronted her.

She gossips constantly, will say she doesn’t have enough time to do extra work for another woman because she doesn’t like her (but she has finished her work and is looking for things to do). She has even admitted to being passive aggressive before.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@seaurchin, that’s my thought, I’m just going to be professional but ignore her otherwise. I shouldn’t have gotten caught up between these two but lesson learned.

It really is ridiculous, you would think it was high school!

 

[kenny]

IMO that's not passive aggressive.
She's just an F-ing @sshole.

I'd stay away from her, and not leave my muffins out, gluten-free or not.

If her A-hole-ism gets really bad, or already is, report her to HR.

IMO if you do your work well you don't have to take abuse, suffer, or kiss anyones @@sss at work.
If you do, report it to HR.
If that doesn't work, sue (if you're the litigious type) or find another job.

Life's too short to suffer, at work or in a family, or in a marriage.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@kenny, that thought did cross my mind, she really is nasty but always smiling. Thanks for the input, I’ll ignore it and if it gets worse, take appropriate action.

….and keep my gluten-free goodies well hidden

 

[whitewave]

Grey rock. Google it. Just be as uninteresting as possible around her with few words and no reactions.

 

[MamaBee]

I wouldn’t confront her at all. The way I handle things like that is just to ignore the person. If you address it then she knows she’s getting to you. If you want to buy the muffins..next time purchase them..but bring them directly to your car without a lot of fanfare.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thank you @whitewave, I haven’t heard of grey rock before so that might just work.

@MamaBee, right, I thought if I asked her if she threw the muffins out it would give her some kind of satisfaction. Really it wasn’t about the muffins, just the fact that she would do something so mean-spirited, that’s what really bothered me.

 

[Wink]

As a younger man, I would have said smack the crap out of her, just once, and you will be done with it. Now of course, it would just be the beginning of a very expensive lawsuit. Some of the changes to our society are a mixture of good and ridiculous.

As a young Marine, I saw several other young Marines settle things once and for all, and very effectively. Even in boot camp we were offered a weekly "smoker" where two of us could stand toe to toe and straighten things out. I was "challenged" by a little weasel and was really looking forward to it, but the Drill Instructor decided I was too much bigger and stronger than the weasel and he would not let us.

Nice thing about the Corps is he flunked out of boot training and I never saw him again.

It seems to me you have received some good, thoughtful, advice. I know dealing with such people can be extremely frustrating. Good luck!

 

[doberman]

Sometimes people aren't smiling, they're simply showing their teeth.

@kenny, that thought did cross my mind, she really is nasty but always smiling. Thanks for the input, I’ll ignore it and if it gets worse, take appropriate action.

….and keep my gluten-free goodies well hidden

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thank you @Wink, too bad there’s no weekly “smoker” in the working world!

 

[pearlsngems]

"Nasty but always smiling" made me wonder if she's a narcissist. Lately I've been watching YouTube videos by Dr. Ramani (https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani) -- all about dealing with narcissists. Really interesting (but academic for me, thankfully, as I don't have anyone in my life like that.)

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@pearlsngems, maybe she is, I’m just not accustomed to dealing with someone like this. My goodness, even when I worked in insurance, in an office setting, it wasn’t ever this bad. I’ll check out those videos, thanks so much!

 

[tyty333]

Thank you @Wink, too bad there’s no weekly “smoker” in the working world!

I'm sure you could take her @YadaYadaYada ! Or maybe you should have the other two duke it out and they'll
take each other out! Unfortunately, that sticks you with all the work so I'm not sure if that's a good idea...might
be fun to watch though!

 

[stracci2000]

You've gotten lots of good advice here!
I'd say to ignore her as best you can.
Take the high road.
But.......there's also nothing wrong with
letting her have a piece of your mind, as @Wink has said.
Just politely and firmly, let her know that since you work together, you will not put up with any future bullshit.
I had to do this once, and we got along much better afterwards, since she knew I was not gonna take her crap anymore.
Just make sure there are witnesses, in case she lies about what you say to her.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,
I seem to agree with your husband. I think you are connecting too many other thoughts about this one women and not dealing with the problem that occurred. If this had been a bag of potato chips that was left on the table, you would have come in and said,"Hey, what happened to my chips". I know I would have. I mean, you left something on the table and it disappeared. You are not angry, you want to know happened to it. You look at the only person who was in the room. If she says , "I don't know", you laugh and say,
Fair warning, please no one take my baked goods again". Done, finished.

Annette

 

[House Cat]

Whenever I’m being a drama queen...the thing that gets to me most is being ignored. Just sayin...

 

[danusia]

2 things come to mind. #1 When she speaks to you, look her in the eye and then just walk away or #2. Look her in the eye and ask if she is Ok (but not like you really care), then walk away. Guaranteed to drive her crazy and leave you alone. Someone taught me this a long time ago and it has always worked for me.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@smitcompton, that’s how I should have handled it, absolutely. I only ignored it because I didn’t want to give her any kind of satisfaction, whether that worked or not, I don’t know. I was too upset in the moment to think clearly.

@House Cat, how are you doing? It’s good to see you posting. Yeah, I’m just going ignore her, don’t feed the troll.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@danusia, either would probably confuse her, knock her off balance a little. I wish I could physically knock her off balance but alas it is not bakery fight club

@stracci2000, yeah I am not going to deal with anymore crap and I will tell her as much if she pulls anything else. I can’t believe grown a$$ women act like this, rather pathetic IMO.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I'm sure you could take her @YadaYadaYada ! Or maybe you should have the other two duke it out and they'll
take each other out! Unfortunately, that sticks you with all the work so I'm not sure if that's a good idea...might
be fun to watch though!

Bakery fight club! I would love to see these two women 59 and 63 years of age duke it out

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

@kenny, my original post had the whole story but it was too much of a book. To try to keep it short, when I first started working there I caught her gossiping about me (heard it myself) and when I confronted her, she gaslighted me and told me she didn’t say anything about me.

There has recently been a lot of conflict between her and another coworker, they both vent to me so I’ve found myself in the middle. Well something has upset this woman because she is barely speaking to me which is fine. However last night she threw away two packages of gluten-free muffins that were on my table. Everyone in the bakery knows I eat gluten-free and these were marked down by half so anytime I find discounted GF items, I buy them. Only two of us there, left the bakery for five minutes and when I came back the muffins were gone and trash had been taken out. I had not paid for them though, if that was the case I would have confronted her.

She gossips constantly, will say she doesn’t have enough time to do extra work for another woman because she doesn’t like her (but she has finished her work and is looking for things to do). She has even admitted to being passive aggressive before.

you have my sympathy
i put up with cr*p like that for 7 years
i ignored it but at what mental health cost ?
im sure she thought i was thick, not reacting - but i absolutly felt every barb sent in my direction, some years i had terrible anxixty from her

the problem is with her not you (or me)
also IMHO its best to stay away from people who gossip

im sorry you dont have all nice people at your bakery
for the first time in my life i work with all nice people, its mimium wage, i do a lot of cleaning and dishes as im just a shop assistent, but its the least stressful job i have ever had (well except when i burn the pies) even the customers are great
i am soooo much happier (despite walking to work with a crook back and then standing all day)
but we dont do GF as owner-head baker too afraid of cross contamination and making a celiac person really ill -our bakehouse just bakes for his 3 shops and his two vans

that woman was just being a bi*ch throwing out those muffins
its a power trip thing and very childish
avoid her, she is toxic

 

[MamaBee]

Thank you @whitewave, I haven’t heard of grey rock before so that might just work.

@MamaBee, right, I thought if I asked her if she threw the muffins out it would give her some kind of satisfaction. Really it wasn’t about the muffins, just the fact that she would do something so mean-spirited, that’s what really bothered me.

It would bother me too..but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction..People can be so hurtful..

 

[SandraLynn]

I agree with MamaBee, confronting this person only fuels them to annoy you more, you won’t get through to this person. Be polite when engaging and only do so when you must. I work for a large retail company so I deal with many situations like this. It’s better to protect your mental peace.

 

[dk168]

Personally, I would confront her in private about her time not being spent productively, giving specific examples such as date , time and duration; then back it up with an e-mail.

If she refuses to address the issue, then let her know you'll be bringing this to her manager's attention.

DK

 

[Lookinagain]

I wouldn't engage her. If she spoke to me, I'd answer the question politely (if it were work related) and then walk away so no further discussion could be had. if it weren't work related, I'd smile and walk away. But I wouldn't start any unnecessary conversations myself. Some employees are just toxic. They will always be toxic. Management either has to deal with that by culling them out, or has to decide that they are so good at their job and so hard to replace, that they will put up with the toxicity.
So I would do the above, and as others have said, don't leave the door open for her do things like take your food. Ignore her as much as you can, but be polite when addressed. That's my 2 cents.

 

[oncrutchesrightnow]

One suggestion is to confront every single thing dispassionately. Not in a mean way but not in a nice way. Just straight up, “Fran, I like to buy the GF leftovers. Please ask me before you throw them away at the end of the day.” No preamble “I know you maybe might not have really known but if it is kind of ok with you…”. You aren’t tasking her with additional work. She has no reason to say no. Passive aggressive people are afraid of looking mean.

Might not apply to this lady but sometimes people are passive aggressive because they are being bullied or dominated by others. I had a job once where a few assistants were passive aggressive at first but it became clear that other people were bullying them and they did not have any other defense mechanism because they were actually nice people who hated fights. I stood up to their bullies for them and they became loyal coworkers.

Maybe the other woman is a bully. But then again maybe the passive aggressive woman is just a jerk. Good luck.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Daisys and Diamonds, you work in a bakery too? I’m glad you are in a better environment. Not a lot that she says/does really bothers me to the point of reaction. Probably the worst thing was when our cat, Carly, died and I found her on the floor, took the day off. Next day I go in and D was asking me about the cat and she says “it’s so terrible she died alone, I hope she didn’t suffer.” At the time I thought she was just thinking out loud but now I think she is just a terrible person who likes to make others feel as bad as her.

@SandraLynn, I agree, she probably gets some thrill out of a reaction. This is also retail, the bakery is in a store, I have just never encountered such drama, it’s ridiculous really.

@dk168, I appreciate where you are coming from, with a reasonable person this would probably be the way to go. I wouldn’t feel comfortable confronting her about her work because it doesn’t directly affect me and we have the same job title. Also there is no email, we are a bakery in a large store, so any communication is in-person or on paper.

@Lookinagain, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Unfortunately management is just as bad. As an example, it is a well known thing that employees work off the clock, our manager knows, the store manager knows and nobody cares. I stay because the hours work, it’s close to my house, and I like my actual job.

@oncrutchesrightnow, one of the few things she has admitted is that she has low self-esteem so maybe that’s part of her issue. I don’t know, everybody has issues, just be a decent human you know? I agree about needing to be more direct and less wishy washy, in general as long as she doesn’t do anything else, I’m going to grey rock her as Whitewave suggested.