Need advice...would this irk you?

[ams0124]

So this is going to be a long post but bear with me...I need some LIW wisdom

In May I was the Maid of Honor in my friend''s wedding. I''ve known her for almost 3 years, I met her at work and we totally clicked, which is rare for me because I don''t tend to get along with women...but anyway moving on...

She asked me to be the maid of honor with I gladly accepted knowing the commitment it would involve. I did all the expected duties of a MOH (or at least what I thought was expected). I hosted a Pampered Chef bridal shower, which she absolutely had to have...it took an enormous amount of time and money to coordinate and went off great....She never sent any Thank You card''s...Not to me not to anyone.

I thought that was in my opinion a little rude, but I brushed it off as maybe she''s just really busy with last minute wedding plans...

She also wanted her bachelorette party in Vegas which also required a substantial amount of time planning and money. We had a great time. We went to all the clubs that she wanted, saw shows, ate at great restaurants...not once did she pay for a single thing. Which is how is supposed to be. Her 4 other bride''s maids and I picked up the tab for everything...we even split her hotel room and flight fare....We got back and I never got a Thank You card (yes I understand that it''s not customary for thank you cards to be sent for bachelorette parties, but I thought that maybe because of the extent of money spent she might)...I again blew it off, because like I said it''s not customary to send them...

Now comes her wedding...I was so busy with all of it that it slipped my mind to buy her something...So I instead have my mom go and get her a visa gift card for $200. My BF, and parents were also invited. My mom signed "love all of us (insert names here)"....It is now almost September and neither myself or my parents (which really sends me over the edge

) have recieved a Thank You card....which I thought was customary to send no later then 6 weeks. There are two ladies at work who were not invited to the wedding but chose to send her a gift; they received Thank You’s back at the end of June.

So obviously I''m mad about this. I think it is beyond selfish to not send thank you cards....especially to your bridal party (I''m assuming that I''m not the only one who didn''t get a card). I spent a significant amount of money in my mind (probably close to $1100 after everything is added up) and the least she could do would be to send a simple Thank You card. My question is...1) would this irk you too? 2) Would you say something to her? 3) If so what would you say? 4) Anything else you want to add.

I feel like I''m harboring this and I know it''s putting a strain on our friendship (among other stressors that don''t have to do with her wedding)...It''s just the more I think about it, the madder it makes me. I feel hurt and taken advantage of. I don''t want to loose her as a friend, because like I said I don''t have many girlfriends...but it just makes me feel sooo disappointed in her as a friend...I''m feeling a lot of mixed emotions really...

I would love opinions this...and be honest...If I''m over reacting please let me know. I need the sense knocked into me sometimes

. Thanks for sticking through this really really really long post

 

[Rhea]

I''d be upset. That''s a lot of money. A thank you goes a long way. I would probably say something to her, but I''m not entirely sure what I''d say or how I''d say it.

 

[diamondfan]

AMS, I am running out to dinner but wanted to ask something in all seriousness.

I got married many years ago. We went out to dinner to a great restaurant in LA and then to the Comedy Store. Andrew Dice Clay and Robin Williams came on stage as surprise guests. We ate and drank and had a ball. We were young, not even sure if I recall who paid for me.

But now, talking of an entire weekend, airfare, shows, hotels, food, etc...are you guys really supposed to pay for ALL of it? It just seems insane to me. That is A LOT to ask of people. Especially girls in the wedding who have to buy dresses and give gifts too. Plus you did a shower. She is beyond greedy.

And not writing notes IS rude.

 

[2BMrs.D]

Diamondfan is absolutely right! She is beyond greedy!! If you spent over $1100 on her for her special occasion, there should have at least been a thank you card sent to you (if not a thank you gift that only you as her MOH received)! I would ask her if there was something unsatisfactory about the celebrations you gave her and ask if there is a reason she has left you out when it comes to acknowledgments. In the future I would not go out of my way for her if I were you!

 

[Izzy03]

Yes I would be very annoyed.

I once through a baby shower for a friend and had a lot of people help out by bringing food. Well, I was mortified and a little hurt when I discovered she did not send out a single thank you note. So I can sympathize how you feel.

Question: I know this is completely against the point, but did she at least give you a thoughtful bridal party gift. (I''m sure you didn''t expect her to give you one but, damn, you went through a lot for her!)

 

[purrfectpear]

Ummmm ladies, the $$$ amount spent actually has nothing to do with the obligation to send a thank you note.

It is ALWAYS appropriate to send a thank you acknowledgement, even if you only sent a Tupperware bowl. Period.

Your friend lacks grace and manners. I don''t know if I''d bother to say anything. What could she say at this point that would improve what''s already happened?

 

[Rhea]

Date: 8/26/2008 6:49:00 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Ummmm ladies, the $$$ amount spent actually has nothing to do with the obligation to send a thank you note.

It is ALWAYS appropriate to send a thank you acknowledgement, even if you only sent a Tupperware bowl. Period.


Your friend lacks grace and manners. I don''t know if I''d bother to say anything. What could she say at this point that would improve what''s already happened?

Good point. Thank you notes are always appropriate. I''m willing for over look a $20 piece of tupperwear easier than several parties and a weekend away though.

 

[jcarlylew]

honestly, she does not sound like the "thank you note" kind, even though she did send one to the coworkers who did not go to the wedding. Maybe she is completely oblivious?

Thinking back to my friends wedding/babyshower, the thank you note i got from her was a generic "thank you for my gift note". BUT, she did take the effort (along with her husband) to thank me in person and i know they meant it. they are just not the sentimental card type.

In a similar (but not nearly as bad) experience, E and i were invited to a wedding... via text message. and then WE had to hunt down all the details to get there. It was pretty obvious that we were last minute guests, but then B&G turned it around by making sure we were pretty much included as the wedding party (which was not expected). So my point i guess is that card writing standards has really gone out the window.

If it is straining your relationship, then you should let her know somehow. Maybe she did say "thanks" and didn''t realized that it didn''t registar as a real thank you? Or maybe she is just a taker rather than a giver. You can always say "do you need my parents address to send them a thank you note?" she might get the hint.

I hope this doesnt end your friendship, and that one day your friend can return the awesomeness that you provided her, as a MOH AND great friend.


quick answer 1) yes it would irk me 2) i wouldnt say it outright, but i would find a way to mention it 3) not sure the exact working but i would be passive agressive 4) i would take time to write out EXACTLY how it makes me feel, in a letter to her. I wouldnt send it, but it would help point out exactly what was wrong without going off on tangets

 

[panda08]

Unbelieveable. Yes, that would annoy me. BIG TIME. I''m in my 30''s and have been to untold numbers of bridal showers, bachelorette parties, weddings, baby showers, and baby birthday parties where I have spent $$$. Many of my friends were gracious and sent nice handwritten thank you cards. Some, never acknowledged the gifts. For those who didn''t acknowledge the gift, I just chose not to attend future events.

Sadly, your friend lacks basic manners. Is she like this generally in your friendship? If not, then maybe you can let it pass or if you can''t let it go, then have a chat about it. If so, then you''ll have to ask yourself whether this is the kind of friend worth keeping.

 

[diamondfan]

Oh, PP, I am correlating money spent with graciousness. One should write a note any time a gift or kindness is done. However, this is beyond the pale to me, to expect soooo much and literally not even put pen to paper at all.

 

[ash313]

I would be irked as well, but unfortunately one cannot teach good manners. Being rude doesn''t make it right, and probably won''t make you feel any better.

The "proper" (whatever that means!) thing to do would be to ask to make sure she received your gift. When she answers, say you were just making sure, and that you hoped she liked it! No need to mention the thank you at all.

But, usually, when you do not receive a thank you, you might assume they did not receive the gift. However, if you are SURE she received it, this would definitely be a passive aggressive way to approach it.

 

[vita*dolce]

well, that definitely is rude behavior, but i''m not sure if it would annoy me or not. did she say thank you at all? i was maid of honor at my best friend''s wedding and did all of things you''re describing and was surprised when she sent me a thank you card simply because we''re such good friends that i wouldn''t have thought it necessary. it was nice to know that she appreciated my effort, but i was happy to do that for her and knew she appreciated it. so i guess i''m hinging my decision on whether there was a verbal thank you. if not, i really don''t know what to say. perhaps you should sent her a gift certificate for etiquette lessons.

 

[diamondfan]

I meant I am NOT correlating!!! Made a typo, I am tired and typing poorly.

 

[absolut_blonde]

According to 'proper' etiquette, I think that technically you have up to 1 year to send out the thank-yous... though obviously, that's probably not ideal. Or is it three months? I just checked and it seems there are conflicting opinions. Either way, I think it's best to get them out ASAP so unless she is traveling overseas that is probably a moot point.

She does sound ungrateful.... She is probably one of those people who takes everything others do for granted. It is extremely frustrating to the rest of us, but trust me -- people like that just do not get it. They don't see the problem, even when you confront them with it. They just justify everything in their minds. It's a warped perspective for sure.


I find that people like that are fine to keep around as a casual friend. Someone you go to movies with, or for drinks with. Basically an activity-oriented friend. But they aren't the BFF/cry-on-their-shoulder type. I know it sucks, but I speak from (a fair amount of) experience. I used to be friends with a lot of girls like that. I eventually stopped hanging out with them altogether as I began to find it draining, and more work than it was worth, but I'm not saying that is how this will turn out for you.

 

[swingirl]

Could it be she doesn''t have your correct address? Maybe you could talk to her and say you want to confirm your address as well as your parents'' address just to make sure the thank yous go to the right place. It''d be interesting to see what she says in response. If she sloughs it off as "I''m not into doing thank yous" you could add it is a customary courtesy when people give a gift.

 

[LaraOnline]

Has she said ''thank you'' to yourself, or your parents, in person?
If so, there is a possibility she thinks a card is redundant.
Surely she is not deliberately snubbing you, sending cards to other friends, but not to you.
Etiquette is not taken very seriously a lot of the time these days.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh boy, I am a stickler when it comes to thank you notes. You did a lot for her, and got the big goose egg, and so did her friends. That''s not cool. I can''t give her an excuse. I am sorry. You did a wonderful job, I hope you get the thanks you deserve. If not, move on, or how about calling her on it?? Perhaps she is clueless?? I doubt it, but would be fun to find out???

 

[kat6]

Date: 8/26/2008 10:52:27 PM
Author: absolut_blonde
According to ''proper'' etiquette, I think that technically you have up to 1 year to send out the thank-yous... though obviously, that''s probably not ideal. Or is it three months? I just checked and it seems there are conflicting opinions. Either way, I think it''s best to get them out ASAP so unless she is traveling overseas that is probably a moot point.

My understanding is that you have a year to send a wedding gift to the bride and groom, apparently this often gets confused with the timeline for sending thank you notes (ASAP, as you said).

 

[cbs102]

I send out thank you notes for EVERYTHING. i was taught that you should always be thankful and to show your graditude. i thought it was proper wedding etiquette to send out thank you''s within 1 year of the wedding (but i could be wrong).... however, if people that you know had already recieved theirs than i would totally be offended...

I had a friend that got married 3 years ago. i was not in the wedding...i was a reader... but i still helped with the shower, went to the bach in nyc... made all the bows for the church (which took months) AND her now husband was going to school while in the Air force and i actually wrote a paper for him.... I got the couple swarovski champagne flutes as well....

months go by and i recieved NOTHING.. not even a verbal thank you. I totally called her out on it. i was totally taken advantage of and i was extremely PO''d. her husband actually was mad because he got a B on his paper.. I don''t talk to these people anymore because they are classless... and obviously care little about anyone but themselves.

if i were you, i would mention to her that you felt honored to be a part of her wedding and that you are hoping that you didn''t offend her. if she is a good enough friend of yours that you were the MH.. then i think you can certainly say something to her. make sure you mention to her how frigon rude she is!!

good luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

My mom would have disowned me if I took a whole year to send thank yous

I wonder if that''s one of those really old etiquette rules from way back in the day when couples got married and went on year long "grand tours" of Europe as their honeymoon?

Seriously, can you imagine getting married in January and finally sending out thank you cards for the wedding gifts in November? It would just seem so weird

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/27/2008 8:50:55 AM
Author: purrfectpear
My mom would have disowned me if I took a whole year to send thank yous

I wonder if that''s one of those really old etiquette rules from way back in the day when couples got married and went on year long ''grand tours'' of Europe as their honeymoon?

Seriously, can you imagine getting married in January and finally sending out thank you cards for the wedding gifts in November? It would just seem so weird

but she sent them out to other people.. just not the OP or her family. it would not irk me... it would infuriate me!!

 

[Bia]

Date: 8/26/2008 7:25:51 PM
Author: jcarlylew
honestly, she does not sound like the ''thank you note'' kind, even though she did send one to the coworkers who did not go to the wedding. Maybe she is completely oblivious?

Thinking back to my friends wedding/babyshower, the thank you note i got from her was a generic ''thank you for my gift note''. BUT, she did take the effort (along with her husband) to thank me in person and i know they meant it. they are just not the sentimental card type.

In a similar (but not nearly as bad) experience, E and i were invited to a wedding... via text message. and then WE had to hunt down all the details to get there. It was pretty obvious that we were last minute guests, but then B&G turned it around by making sure we were pretty much included as the wedding party (which was not expected). So my point i guess is that card writing standards has really gone out the window.

If it is straining your relationship, then you should let her know somehow. Maybe she did say ''thanks'' and didn''t realized that it didn''t registar as a real thank you? Or maybe she is just a taker rather than a giver. You can always say ''do you need my parents address to send them a thank you note?'' she might get the hint.

I hope this doesnt end your friendship, and that one day your friend can return the awesomeness that you provided her, as a MOH AND great friend.


quick answer 1) yes it would irk me 2) i wouldnt say it outright, but i would find a way to mention it 3) not sure the exact working but i would be passive agressive 4) i would take time to write out EXACTLY how it makes me feel, in a letter to her. I wouldnt send it, but it would help point out exactly what was wrong without going off on tangets

I was thinking the same thing. Its possible since she''s so close to you, it never occurred to her to send out Thank You cards--maybe she thought she thanked you in another way--although, not sending them to your family is inexcusable. Don''t get me wrong, I think it is incredibly ungracious to not acknowledge everyone who has made your wedding so much more special--you BMs DEFINITELY went above and beyond to make it a special time for her (all expense paid trip to VEGAS!!! WOW!). She should have done more than send a thank you card, IMO (I''m thinking dinner or spa treatments

) however, I also know that not everyone can splurge that way.

If this is going to strain your relationship with her, and her friendship is worth it to you (I am assuming it is), then you should talk to her about it. Just be prepared to hear her say she doesn''t agree...she may have been brought up differently. Still not an excuse!!!

 

[sklingem]

This is totally unacceptable. Talk to her about it in a constructive but honest way - you can only gain from it and make your relationship better. If she remains unapologetic, I would strongly reconsider whether this "friendship" is worth investing more time and energy in.

 

[ams0124]

Wow! I posted this last night before I left for work, and got in this morning with some great advice!

I''m glad that my feelings on this would be felt by most of you too in the same situation...

To answer some questions; She did say verbal thank you''s, but not in a formal manner to us individually. It was more like a big group hug before she walked down the aisle where she said "thanks!! you girls are the best". In my opinion accepting that or believing that to be a sincere thank you for all the hard work put into her wedding is kinda letting her off the hook. She never said thank you in person to my parents. She didn''t even make it around to all the tables/people at the reception (a whole other subject in and of itself) which I thought was also customary..

She also did get bridal party gifts....We all got a zip up hoody that she made (ironing on the letters...not sewing anything) with our names on the back (we wore them while getting our hair done), a shade of nail polish that matched her flowers (which we were told had to be on our toe nails), bridal jewerly (fake pearls on an "invisible strand" and earrings) that we wore for the wedding, and a small black Bijou (spelling) clutch; also for the ceremony. The entire gift bag we received was full of things she wanted us to have in order for us too look more uniform during the ceremony. Which by the way I also helped with putting all of the gifts into bags (including my own)....so it might be selfish on my part but I don''t really consider those things as gifts for being in her wedding.

As for her bach party...She wanted to go to Vegas...the other girls and I all decided to "treat" her, which is why we paid for everything. I don''t think that she expected us too...we more did it b/c we wanted to make her party really special for her. In hindsight I should have never agreed to it, but that''s the price you pay I suppose. Which is why I didn''t really expect a formal thank you from her for Vegas.

For the possible reasons of not sending a thank you...either because she didn''t receive the gift, or she doesn’t have my address, I don''t think apply. If she didn''t receive her gift card...maybe I could understand that and I could ask her about it (which would clue her in...maybe), but her bridal shower gift however was delivered to her house by the Pampered Chef consultant where the PC lady made sure that everything was there....as far as not having my address or my parents address 1) I work with her..I see her everyday. She left the thank yous for the other 2 ladies that we work with in their inboxes...she could have done the same for me. 2) For my parents, she sent the save the date fine, and the bridal shower invite fine, and the wedding invite fine...there''s no reason why a thank you card would go missing.

Jcarly: the nerve of some people...mad about getting a B on a paper that he didn''t write!!! Seriously...he should be glad he didn''t get a 0!! I was also thinking a letter would be the way to go. I''m not a very confrontational person so a letter is more comfortable solution. I just have to figure out what to write.

A_B: I''m kina finding this to be true as well... "I find that people like that are fine to keep around as a casual friend. Someone you go to movies with, or for drinks with. Basically an activity-oriented friend. But they aren''t the BFF/cry-on-their-shoulder type."

I consider myself to be very formal when it comes to thanking people for gifts or even acts of kindness for that matter. Which is why I’m so hung up on this, I definitely don''t think that the amount of money spent should dictate a thank you card or not...I honestly think even if no money was spent at all a thank you should go out just for taking time out of one''s weekend to attend the wedding, or a bridal shower.

Hummm...what to do next?

 

[cbs102]

Jcarly: the nerve of some people...mad about getting a B on a paper that he didn''t write!!! Seriously...he should be glad he didn''t get a 0!! I was also thinking a letter would be the way to go. I''m not a very confrontational person so a letter is more comfortable solution. I just have to figure out what to write.

Maybe he got the B because i was too busy catering to his wife. ugh.. it still makes me MAD!!!!!!!!

 

[ams0124]

Jcarly: the nerve of some people...mad about getting a B on a paper that he didn''t write!!! Seriously...he should be glad he didn''t get a 0!! I was also thinking a letter would be the way to go. I''m not a very confrontational person so a letter is more comfortable solution. I just have to figure out what to write.

Date: 8/27/2008 10:28:26 AM
Author: cbs102
Maybe he got the B because i was too busy catering to his wife. ugh.. it still makes me MAD!!!!!!!!

Sorry cbs...I meant you

when I said this. Got carried away in my typing..
I wanted to acknowledge you with having to write a paper (totally BS)...and Jcarly with giving the letter idea...

Sorry to mix you up...I need to proof better i think

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/27/2008 10:35:19 AM
Author: ams0124

Jcarly: the nerve of some people...mad about getting a B on a paper that he didn''t write!!! Seriously...he should be glad he didn''t get a 0!! I was also thinking a letter would be the way to go. I''m not a very confrontational person so a letter is more comfortable solution. I just have to figure out what to write.

Date: 8/27/2008 10:28:26 AM
Author: cbs102
Maybe he got the B because i was too busy catering to his wife. ugh.. it still makes me MAD!!!!!!!!

Sorry cbs...I meant you

when I said this. Got carried away in my typing..
I wanted to acknowledge you with having to write a paper (totally BS)...and Jcarly with giving the letter idea...

Sorry to mix you up...I need to proof better i think

NO WORRIES!! i knew what you meant! it still angers me. i seriously think that you should say something to her. you obviously have a good friendship in her eyes if you were her MOH. my friendship with my friend was over because her husband was a nightmare and she just had no respect for others. yours does not have to end..but it will if you harbour these feelings of resentment....

 

[jcarlylew]

i agree that you should talk to her - I just know that i would had ALOT smoother conversations/arguments if i had put my thoughts on paper first. Now that i do it (i seriously do it for EVERYTHING) i''ve been better prepaired and also calmed myself down. the best was a ten page letter that i wrote to an old roommate about how he distroyed my birthday party and was rude to my mom (only i''m allowed to be rude to her!). I never sent it, but boy did i feel better after writing it all out.

Since she does have the addresses, then i am going to have to go with the thought that she''s said "thank you" and got you a "gift" and that should be enough - No, it isn''t, and she should be more sincere.

I hope that you are able to talk it through, and keep the friendship!

 

[katamari]

Wow! I had no idea that Thank You cards meant this much to people, seriously. I have to further suggest that she just might not find them meaningful or be into them. (And I was raised to do write them, too). I think that the best thank yous are personal and sincere, not the generic form-letter kind I tend to get (honestly, this is what I find offensive from good friends). And, I think that the key to gifts (and friendship) is reciprocation. Do you expect that she will do the same for you when you get engaged/married? Maybe she plans on it and feel like this is the thank you that you deserve. Are you sure that you are not just mad because you feel underappreciated? Would a thank you card (or a series thereof) solve that? The impersonal thanks as we were leaving Vegas or the feeling that she wouldn''t be thoughtful enough to do something equal for me would be what was getting under my skin. Not the cards. Maybe you are frustrated because she is just a bad friend.

Now I am off to write 31 years worth of Thank You notes. My scumbaggery must be the talk of the town. . .

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/27/2008 11:53:06 AM
Author: katamari
Wow! I had no idea that Thank You cards meant this much to people, seriously. I have to further suggest that she just might not find them meaningful or be into them. (And I was raised to do write them, too). I think that the best thank yous are personal and sincere, not the generic form-letter kind I tend to get (honestly, this is what I find offensive from good friends). And, I think that the key to gifts (and friendship) is reciprocation. Do you expect that she will do the same for you when you get engaged/married? Maybe she plans on it and feel like this is the thank you that you deserve. Are you sure that you are not just mad because you feel underappreciated? Would a thank you card (or a series thereof) solve that? The impersonal thanks as we were leaving Vegas or the feeling that she wouldn''t be thoughtful enough to do something equal for me would be what was getting under my skin. Not the cards. Maybe you are frustrated because she is just a bad friend.

Now I am off to write 31 years worth of Thank You notes. My scumbaggery must be the talk of the town. . .

thank you cards are intended to show your appreciation. I just went to visit and friend from college and wrote a thank you for her hospitality. I was taught by the women in my family that this was proper and i hear feed back on my thank you''s ALL THE TIME. i know that when i get one i am pleased. it means that they are taking the time out of their day to show their gratitude. i would be offended if i got an email of just a thank you in person.. but to each their own. I do know that if i do not recieve thank you notes, i stop sending gifts. bottom line... its rude.