Need advice...would this irk you?

[tessari]

Date: 8/27/2008 11:53:06 AM
Author: katamari
Wow! I had no idea that Thank You cards meant this much to people, seriously. I have to further suggest that she just might not find them meaningful or be into them. (And I was raised to do write them, too). I think that the best thank yous are personal and sincere, not the generic form-letter kind I tend to get (honestly, this is what I find offensive from good friends). And, I think that the key to gifts (and friendship) is reciprocation. Do you expect that she will do the same for you when you get engaged/married? Maybe she plans on it and feel like this is the thank you that you deserve. Are you sure that you are not just mad because you feel underappreciated? Would a thank you card (or a series thereof) solve that? The impersonal thanks as we were leaving Vegas or the feeling that she wouldn''t be thoughtful enough to do something equal for me would be what was getting under my skin. Not the cards. Maybe you are frustrated because she is just a bad friend.

Now I am off to write 31 years worth of Thank You notes. My scumbaggery must be the talk of the town. . .

I totally agree with everything you say. It sounds like the OP is really upset about her friend''s behavior, not some silly card. Personally, I think thank you cards are a waste of time and I usually just throw them away and think of them as very old-fashioned...except for when they are for major gifts (wedding, baby shower NOT small dinner parties or cocktail hour) and I think that thank you emails are okay too (btw). A warm heartfelt in thank you in person with a hug and sincerity is so much more to me than a formulaic blah blah blah thank you not. Not everyone is brought up the same way as you and not everyone seals everything with a thank you card for every little thing. Also with etiquette it is almost always more rude to point out the mistake than to make the minor mistake in the first place. This is just my opinion and I would not have thought to send a thank you card after the bridal shower or the bachelorette party and have never received one from parties that I have attended and helped "sponsor"--not even thank you emails and I never really thought anything of it. However, the wedding gift itself definitely deserves a card--esp to your parents.

 

[ams0124]

Date: 8/27/2008 11:53:06 AM
Author: katamari
Wow! I had no idea that Thank You cards meant this much to people, seriously. I have to further suggest that she just might not find them meaningful or be into them. (And I was raised to do write them, too). I think that the best thank yous are personal and sincere, not the generic form-letter kind I tend to get (honestly, this is what I find offensive from good friends). And, I think that the key to gifts (and friendship) is reciprocation. Do you expect that she will do the same for you when you get engaged/married? Maybe she plans on it and feel like this is the thank you that you deserve. Are you sure that you are not just mad because you feel underappreciated? Would a thank you card (or a series thereof) solve that? The impersonal thanks as we were leaving Vegas or the feeling that she wouldn''t be thoughtful enough to do something equal for me would be what was getting under my skin. Not the cards. Maybe you are frustrated because she is just a bad friend.

Now I am off to write 31 years worth of Thank You notes. My scumbaggery must be the talk of the town. . .

Your absolutely right I agree with pretty much about everything.

Yes the best thank you notes are personal and sincere, not generic.

Yes reciprocation is key. Does she plan on doing the same for me and my wedding? Perhaps. Is it a reason not to pull aside your friend, MOH, one on one and express some sort of gratitude...no. I look at that sort of reciprocation like a favor...you scratch my back I''ll scratch yours sort of thing....I don''t want her to do nice things for me b/c I did for her...I want her to do nice things b/c she wants to and she values our friendship. If she''s waiting for my wedding, does really great and wonderful things for me (as a thank you for what I did for her) do I owe her a thank you back? If so...do I wait for her baby shower if she were to ever have one?

Yes I''m mad b/c I feel underappreciated for sure...I feel that, and taken advantage of, and host of other things. No the thank you card itself would not fix it...but the thank you inside would. I think what really suprises me is her lack of grace...not sending me a thank you is one thing...but not sending one to my parents is quite another. I know that if I were to do the same she as well as her parents would feel the same about me as my parents and I do about her...disappointment.

I know we have very different personalities and I can''t expect the same from her as I would do. But it seems that the common feeling is that she''s in the wrong...whether she realizes it or not. Unless I''m missing something. I do value our friendship and would love to maintain it...the tricky part is how to do that. If I have to tell her that I would have liked her to me more gracious...would her telling me thank you then...after all of this time, and after me pretty much asking for it mean anything at all...

That just reminded me of that scene from the movie the Breakup....when Jennifer says "I want you to want to help with the dishes not do it because I told you too"...lol...kinda the same priciple.

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

She is rude.
The bridal shower and trip to vegas and wedding gift and all the other things you will have paid for but not really counted...
And the bridal gift that you all got doesn''t really count either, in my book.
I think that the main thing is not feeling appreciated. It would be best to get a sincere thank you letter, but even a proper verbal thank you, or a thank you dinner made by her, or a few thank you coffees - whatever. Just an acknowledgment that you did so much for her.
Having said that, don''t know how you could go about it discussing it with her. At the moment it sounds as though you are dong the bulk of the work in the relationship. Maybe decide how much you are really getting out of it vs how much you are putting in, and if you do want to remain friends with her decide whether you really need to talk to her about this.
Either way, it is a rotten situation to have put in the work and not to get a thank you of any form.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/27/2008 12:34:02 PM
Author: tessari

Date: 8/27/2008 11:53:06 AM
Author: katamari
Wow! I had no idea that Thank You cards meant this much to people, seriously. I have to further suggest that she just might not find them meaningful or be into them. (And I was raised to do write them, too). I think that the best thank yous are personal and sincere, not the generic form-letter kind I tend to get (honestly, this is what I find offensive from good friends). And, I think that the key to gifts (and friendship) is reciprocation. Do you expect that she will do the same for you when you get engaged/married? Maybe she plans on it and feel like this is the thank you that you deserve. Are you sure that you are not just mad because you feel underappreciated? Would a thank you card (or a series thereof) solve that? The impersonal thanks as we were leaving Vegas or the feeling that she wouldn''t be thoughtful enough to do something equal for me would be what was getting under my skin. Not the cards. Maybe you are frustrated because she is just a bad friend.

Now I am off to write 31 years worth of Thank You notes. My scumbaggery must be the talk of the town. . .

I totally agree with everything you say. It sounds like the OP is really upset about her friend''s behavior, not some silly card. Personally, I think thank you cards are a waste of time and I usually just throw them away and think of them as very old-fashioned...except for when they are for major gifts (wedding, baby shower NOT small dinner parties or cocktail hour) and I think that thank you emails are okay too (btw). A warm heartfelt in thank you in person with a hug and sincerity is so much more to me than a formulaic blah blah blah thank you not. Not everyone is brought up the same way as you and not everyone seals everything with a thank you card for every little thing. Also with etiquette it is almost always more rude to point out the mistake than to make the minor mistake in the first place. This is just my opinion and I would not have thought to send a thank you card after the bridal shower or the bachelorette party and have never received one from parties that I have attended and helped ''sponsor''--not even thank you emails and I never really thought anything of it. However, the wedding gift itself definitely deserves a card--esp to your parents.

again.. to each their own. BUT just because you don''t care about them does not mean that the gift-giver/party thrower would not appreciate them. Yes, not everyone was brought up like me- but not everyone was brought up like you either. The OP has not recieved a thank you othen than a flippant "thanks guys" right before she walked down the aisle. It most likely is not proper to mention the fact that she did not get a thank you and is hurt by it.. but if she is feeling the strain on their relationship than i would def. suggest that she speak to the bride... i did some research on the topic at hand"

*Be sure to send thank you notes to friends and relatives who arrange showers and parties for you. It is appropriate to thank them for the party or shower in the same card you send thanking them for their gift.

Response time

*The most common question people have about sending thank you cards is "When should they be sent?" Bridal shower thank you notes should be sent within two weeks of the event. Brides and grooms should wait no more than 6-8 weeks after the ceremony to send their wedding thank you cards.

In fact, couples should start sending thank you notes as soon as the gifts start arriving, even if it is before the wedding. This will help couples who have 100+ thank you cards to send out after the wedding.

* Don''t forget to send thank you cards to the people who helped you plan your event. For weddings, this can include your bridesmaids or groomsmen, your
parents and your pastor. For birthday parties, send them to those who cooked the food, helped set up the tables, cleaned out the backyard, and anyone who was
instrumental in helping your event run smoothly.

we all have our own opinions.. and obviously i have mine... i just think that manners go a long way. and if people that i love enough to be in my wedding are doing so much.. then they should be thanked properly.. in person with a warm hug AND a personalized thank you card.

 

[katamari]

Date: 8/27/2008 12:43:21 PM
Author: ams0124



Yes I'm mad b/c I feel underappreciated for sure...I feel that, and taken advantage of, and host of other things. No the thank you card itself would not fix it...but the thank you inside would. I think what really suprises me is her lack of grace...not sending me a thank you is one thing...but not sending one to my parents is quite another. I know that if I were to do the same she as well as her parents would feel the same about me as my parents and I do about her...disappointment.


I know we have very different personalities and I can't expect the same from her as I would do. But it seems that the common feeling is that she's in the wrong...whether she realizes it or not. Unless I'm missing something. I do value our friendship and would love to maintain it...the tricky part is how to do that. If I have to tell her that I would have liked her to me more gracious...would her telling me thank you then...after all of this time, and after me pretty much asking for it mean anything at all...


That just reminded me of that scene from the movie the Breakup....when Jennifer says 'I want you to want to help with the dishes not do it because I told you too'...lol...kinda the same priciple.

Haha! I always use that quote from the Breakup! AMS, I totally believe that you have every right to be peeved, and that she is not showing you the gratitude and appreciation you deserve. And, you have every right to talk about it, I just think these issues should be the main point, that's all.

And, to CBS: The last line of my post was intended to be a joke (ill-humored, perhaps), but I was totally sincere about the rest of my post. I can think of exactly the people who always send me cards, and it is really nice to get them (one of my friends even hand crafts all her thank yous and I even save these). I honestly do hope they don't think less of me because I don't do the same - these are some of my most valued friends and family. I wasn't joking when I said I was surprised, but I am really glad to know how others view it because I want to make sure I am sending the right message to the people I care about.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/27/2008 1:30:23 PM
Author: katamari




And, to CBS: The last line of my post was intended to be a joke (ill-humored, perhaps), but I was totally sincere about the rest of my post. I can think of exactly the people who always send me cards, and it is really nice to get them (one of my friends even hand crafts all her thank yous and I even save these). I honestly do hope they don''t think less of me because I don''t do the same - these are some of my most valued friends and family. I wasn''t joking when I said I was surprised, but I am really glad to know how others view it because I want to make sure I am sending the right message to the people I care about.

thank you for clarifying!! its so hard to read these posts... you can never tell the actual tone of the person. I don''t think that people would think less of you if you did not write a thank you.. IF you were gracious in general- and i am sure that you are!!I think that it speaks volumes about the point of thank you cards when you said that you remember who sends them to you and how you save some of them. when i recieve one it makes me feel like i am being appreciated they took a tiny amount of time from their day to acknowledge a gift or a dinner or a stay at my home.. even in a quick note.. and that is imporantant to me. but again, this is my opinion and it was how i was raised..