Need advice =(

[luckynumber]

erm...... am i the only one who thinks buying your gf breast implants (unless she had serious psych issues) is more than a little distasteful????

sorry OP, your other half is not faring well in this portrayal!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 11/26/2009 3:22:03 AM
Author: sunseeker101

Date: 11/25/2009 6:07:02 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

The objective to bringing up the implants was to make him feel guilty. It''s classic manipulation: you did this for her, so you owe me this. I know it was said out of hurt and not malice--and it may indicate that the OP is not over the past, but, again, that needs to be resolved before any discussion about rings.

I can see this kind of intent belonging to someone with a simplistic way of thinking about value in relationships. There''s no way to know from a discussion like this but the OP sounds like someone who was momentarily startled and indignified (!) that the self-professed desire to show commitment was more a vague attempt to look committed (IMHO). The question that appears behind the ''recall'' to me is ''if you weren''t all that madly in love enough with her to marry her, and still spent $6000 -- why is it so much skin off your nose to do it for me? Do you not love me as much?'' -- I think it''s a fair question, I''d be wondering too. I think only a man worth his emotional salt could formulate a meaningful answer, though.

I don''t want to sound like a broken record, but just want to state that I do agree that asking why he bought his ex girlfriend implants is valid. I know many women for whom this would be a "dealbreaker". The bottom line is that it''s not a dealbreaker for the OP because she already knew about his past, seemingly already discussed his past and has decided she wants to marry him despite his past. Which is why I don''t think the OP would have suddenly been startled or indignified--she''s known about his history for some time now and decided to look past it.

I can completely understand why the OP is hurt. But again, that is something that needs to be addressed and solved before moving on to marriage discussions.

 

[sunseeker101]

Date: 11/26/2009 8:37:30 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Date: 11/26/2009 3:22:03 AM

I don''t want to sound like a broken record, but just want to state that I do agree that asking why he bought his ex girlfriend implants is valid. I know many women for whom this would be a ''dealbreaker''. The bottom line is that it''s not a dealbreaker for the OP because she already knew about his past, seemingly already discussed his past and has decided she wants to marry him despite his past. Which is why I don''t think the OP would have suddenly been startled or indignified--she''s known about his history for some time now and decided to look past it.


I can completely understand why the OP is hurt. But again, that is something that needs to be addressed and solved before moving on to marriage discussions.



Sorry NEL, can''t seem to get the hang of this reply thingy

I meant that the OP was surprised when she realised that she''d been led in a merry dance, but was initially confused and thought the cost issue being held up as an excuse indicated something unexpected about the boyfriend''s love for her. She used the cost issue in order to get to the issue of love. If she was 100% sure of the feelings in the relationship before that, the way in which she was led to believe she was headed to engagement was probably enough to shake her confidence in his professions of love at least somewhat. It''s not a bad time to wonder where you''re going, is it? Being let down and wondering where the real feelings lie is valid, and as you say, being upset because of past implants is not. Anyway, that''s my other $0.01

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Sunseeker--I definitely agree. I think the fact that the OP feels "led on" is understandably frustrating. It''s just a completely separate issue from the ex. Sorry to have threadjacked, Rierie! I hope you are having a fabulous Thanksgiving and that you and the bf can have a discussion where you both feel confident you''re headed towards the same goal!

 

[AdiS]

Date: 11/24/2009 9:23:37 PM
Author: rierie26
I know it wasn''t fighting fair to bring up the ex and her fake plastic boobies, but I, too, occasionally suffer from foot-in-mouthitis. I''m going to apologize to him as soon as he cools off. He''s pretty pissed off with me right now for bringing up his past relationship.

I don''t care that he paid for her plastic surgery. I just don''t want to hear about it. LOL. Although I think if I wanted implants at this moment, he wouldn''t pay for them -- not that I would ask him to, but still. I kinda get the feeling (and this could be part of the whole thing about spending for the ring too) that his ex put him through the ringer, not just emotionally but financially too. It was his first long-lasting relationship (highschool up to midtwenties) and he paid for a lot of stuff for her, took her on vacations, supported her financially, etc. I can tell it really affected him because now he''s really reluctant to do any of that stuff, again not that I expect or ask him to buy me anything or pay for my vacations or bills or anything. But was hard to hear him talk about all this stuff -- all the things he bought her and how they used to go on these great trips and then have him not want to do any of that stuff with me (mostly the traveling).

I think what really upset me was not the ring or how much it would cost (although it would be nice to have a big honker!), but the fact that he seemed to be backing off of the whole thing. He was the one to bring up the topic of marriage and drag me into the jewelry stores, so it felt very much like he was leading me on a bit just to retract. Which he does have a tendency to do, mostly for small stuff, but nothing as big as this. I think he thinks it''s funny, it''s really not. Looking back, I can see that he''s just not ready yet for such a big step. I think if he was really ready, he would have started saving or been ok with setting a budget. I just wish he hadn''t led me on about the whole thing and had been honest about not being ready for an engagement/marriage.

Thanks for all the support and advice!

So his ex wrung vacations, money and apparently new boobs out of him, probably made him feel used and manipulated, and now he''s making you pay for that. He doesn''t feel comfortable spending on an engagement ring for you because his ex was a b!$@. Brilliant. This only goes to show that our previous relationships not only should never be out of bounds, but also that sometimes they continue to affect us even years after their ending. It''s unhealthy, but sometimes that''s reality. I''m convinced that the stonger one reacts (whether with sadness/anger/hate etc.) when their previous relationship is brought up, the deeper their issues with said relationship are. Never a good sign when planning your life together with someone.

And what''s with that tendency of his you mention to lead you on and then retract? And he finds it funny?!

Honestly, if I were you I wouldn''t be apologizing, I''d be waving goodbye until he sorts himself out.

 

[SparklyRing]

Date: 11/26/2009 10:04:35 AM
Author: AdiS

Date: 11/24/2009 9:23:37 PM

So his ex wrung vacations, money and apparently new boobs out of him, probably made him feel used and manipulated, and now he's making you pay for that. He doesn't feel comfortable spending on an engagement ring for you because his ex was a b!$@. Brilliant. This only goes to show that our previous relationships not only should never be out of bounds, but also that sometimes they continue to affect us even years after their ending. It's unhealthy, but sometimes that's reality. I'm convinced that the stonger one reacts (whether with sadness/anger/hate etc.) when their previous relationship is brought up, the deeper their issues with said relationship are. Never a good sign when planning your life together with someone.


And what's with that tendency of his you mention to lead you on and then retract? And he finds it funny?!

I have to agree with AdiS on this. It's unfair for him to treat you this way because of his ex. You are a different person, you are not his ex, and you should not be made to pay because of what she did. If my BF were willing to pay 6K for his ex's fake boobs, then he should be willing to pay at least 6K (unless his financial situation has worsened) for my ering. Like most of the other posters who have replied, I can completely see where you're coming from, but because I was in a similar relationship.

My ex dated this girl for 5 years and spent so much on her. Things didn't work out and he was bitter. When I dated him, he was nice, but not willing to spend any money on me, not even birthday presents, dinners out, or anything like that. I constantly felt like I wasn't worth it. At first, I tried to understand because of what he had been through, but after a while, it got to me. I knew that he was like that because of her, but I also felt as if he doesn't value me as much as he did his ex. I was resentful and it ended. Luckily, my current BF is the opposite of my ex.

I don't think that you should apologize, especially since, according to you, he is always the one that brings up how he spent money on his ex in the past. And also because it's relevant to the relationship. He would not be happy if you spent 2K on a flat-screen TV for an old bf and wanted to spend less than that on an anniversary or birthday watch for him. You had every right to be upset and to call him out for it when you were upset. However, you should talk with him and tell him how you feel. Do not be confrontational, just have a calm conversation with him, where you are both honest with each other. Ask if he truly wants to take the next step or not. Good luck!

 

[AustenNut]

I think the advice that has already been given is right on. I''m glad that you'' d decided to apologize for throwing the ex-gf''s boob job in your boyfriend''s face while you were arguing. I also agree that there are definitely some issues that the two of you need to discuss such as the intentionally leading you on and then finding it funny

, figuring out where he feels he is financially (fleur-de-lis'' post about this was great), where the two of you stand in terms of making a commitment, etc.

In terms of a boyfriend''s past, I don''t think it matters. It doesn''t matter if he''s paid for plastic surgery or was put through the wringer or was physically or emotionally abused or anything else. None of that matters SO LONG as it has no bearing on your relationship NOW. If he treats you as you would like to be treated in the present, then I don''t think the past has much relevance. But if his past is affecting your relationship now, then it is something that is relevant and should be discussed and dealt with.

 

[swimmer]

Date: 11/26/2009 4:45:46 AM
Author: luckynumber
erm...... am i the only one who thinks buying your gf breast implants (unless she had serious psych issues) is more than a little distasteful????


sorry OP, your other half is not faring well in this portrayal!

I''m just hoping she was a breast cancer survivor...