Need advice

[~*Alexis*~]

OK well I have been here a while and I was hoping the situation would get better between my boyfriend and and I would not have to post here to get another prospective, buy sadly it has come to that point.
OK here goes:
Matt and I have been together for over a year and I moved in with him in August. His mom and dad own the house we live in and I pay rent. He has 5 cars and I have one. I am not allowed to park in the driveway and not in the garage. It is "his" garage. I am not allowed to make an decorating choices either. He never likes going out, he will be 23 in July. I am 21, graduatiing college next friday. I have worked my butt of to get to where I am. I work part time (VERY part time) I never have enough money to do anything because my work cut my hours. I cant find a full tine job where I am and the job market here is crap. We have been fighting alot lately about money and how we never do anything. So I started donating plasma here for an extra $50 a week so I could have some money, well then gas prices went up and I now I have no moneuy, I am even selling mu boldil fluids to get more money, The thing is my boyfriend is from a spoiled family and he gets everything he wants. He is very materialistic. I just feel like sometimes he never realizes that I work very hard at school. I got some great news the other day, so I came home got some wine ready and was waiting for him when he came home, he walked in the house, looked at me and said "whats all this crap for" Great huh? Well I let him change, and got him settled and then I told him I had great news, he was signing on the computer and I said "I got it" He had got what, i said Commencement speaker. he said "thats great hunny" He never looked at me, never said a word. That pissed me off. I mean it is a huge thing!! He never even acted happy for me. I am just frustrated. I dont know what to do, and we were going to get engaged this summer and now it is not going to happen. No wait it gets worse. We found out this week that his dad has liver cancer. They have given him 6 months to live. His mom told us today that she is selling our house when he dies, well I have no money no decent job, and I can hardly pay the rent that I have now. My parents live in another city so I cant move home. With all of these problems, I dont know what to do. The issues seem to be mounting and I love him to death but he refuses to go to a counselor to try and save our relationship. He says he wants to marry me but sometime I wonder if it is true. i never know where we are heading. at this point am i being selfish? Can enyone shed some light to the situation???

HELP!!

 

[sk8rjen]

Wow -- that''s alot to tackle. I am sure you are feeling insecure enough about the house being sold, without needing to feel insecure about his feelings either. Since I don''t know the two of you and I don''t know the relationship, it''s hard to jusge. BUT I would say that 21 is a liberating freeing time, and some of us need to go out and take life by the horns and some are ready to settle down. Which are you?? If money were no issue, would you stay?

Honestly, love is not always enough, it takes work. It sounds as if this may be him not putting in the effort that you do b/c he has had everything in life handed to him, and if that is the case, he may not change (unless he wants to). You, on the other hand, sounds like you''ve made the effort with very little given in return. You sound like someone that wants to get out and experience life and not let time just drift by. You also sound a bit panicky b/c of the $ situation, which I totally understand, but there are ways to get by...

So my opinion -- and it is only that based on this very little you''ve told us -- is that you sound like someone who knows she should move on and is waiting for that nudge in the right direction. At your age, you guys can come back together if its meant to be. But don''t stay if you are unhappy, and don''t stay if you really want to be married and he''s not sure. Check want ads looking for a roommate or live on campus (unless at commencement you''re graduating!) Try life by yourself for a bit, get happy and a bit more secure and re-visit this later.

Again, just my opinion, I''m sure others will have other ideas, and regardless, I hope everything works out really WELL for you!!! ((hugs))

jen

 

[zhuzhu]

First breath.... I know it is a lot to take with all these changes. Why don''t you first leave your worries aside and try to prepare/enjoy the graduation? (Congratulations for being the speaker!!!)

Later, I will sit your bf down at a restaurant or a cafe (not near TV or PC), and gentlly but firmly expressed your worries about his attitude and your situation. Observe his reaction carefully. Ask him to be an adult and work with you. if he can''t? then you need to think again who you want to be with, and not worry about having to stay in the same city you are now.

 

[ilovesparkles]

I am sorry to hear about all the trouble you are going through right now. Sometimes life piles and piles things up on you and its just ridiculous the amount of things you have to handle at once. But I believe it wouldn''t happen if wqe couldn''t handle it and if we didn''t need to deal with it at that time.

So to begin with congratulations on making speaker! It is well deserved!

I agree with what has been said that you should try talking to him in a place where he has little or no distractions and perhaps somewhere public with other people so he has less of the ability to blow you off. If you don''t think this will work or he just won''t listen what about writing a letter? Any chance he would read that or pay more attention to what is said in it? Its sad to hear he won''t consider counseling because it sounds like that is exactly what you need. I simply don''t understand why 1. you are paying rent if he isn''t (this is unclear to me) 2. why you have to be selling your plasma just to get by for crying out loud! and 3. why he won''t listen to you. To me these are all serious red flags in the relationship. If he won''t listen to you and won''t talk about things than you need to move on for yourself. You cannot have a one sided relationship, it just doesan''t work. Trust me I have tried endlessly and failed every time!

As hard as it might be, you need to start looking at your future, without him. Start apt hunting. Are you finished with school now? I am praying the job prospectives will be much much better after you have your degree. If where you live isn''t great what about relocating? Closer to home or just a better economically structured area. Use your friends, PS, and family for support. And perhaps individual counseling just for you. Don''t be afraid to admit you need outside help, that first step is hard but so worth it once you start benefiting! If you and him are meant to be and he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you this should be a wake up call. And I stress should. It might not be, he may shrug his shoulders and move on, but you have to realize this is the best thing. Better than 10 years down the road you have to face these same issues. no? And if this isn;t the case you will be well on your way to a better place for you.

I hope some of my rambling has helped a tad. Maybe blueroses will poke her nose in here and help out to since she has been through a lot too. And stick around here! We care about each of our LIWs and I have found the support here to be just amazing!

Hang in there girl!

Amanda

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/6/2006 12:58:11 PM
Author:~*Alexis*~
His mom and dad own the house we live in and I pay rent. He has 5 cars and I have one. I am not allowed to park in the driveway and not in the garage. It is ''his'' garage. I am not allowed to make an decorating choices either.

Shortly put: I don''t think he''s sharing his life with you and letting you in.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I also agree with what everyone has said...It sounds like he might not be as into having you around as he once was. Maybe he needs to hear something along the lines of "this needs to be fixed or I''m moving on." If he really respects you and cares about you, he''ll listen to your feelings and concerns. If he doesn''t, then you sadly have your answer. I don''t want to sound so to-the-point, but listen to your gut. Congratulations on being the commencement speaker, that is an awesome achievement and you should be proud of it!

 

[ilovesparkles]

How are things going hun? Been thinking about you!

 

[sumbride]

This may not be a popular sentiment, or what you want to hear, but honey, cut your losses and move on. He''s not supportive, he''s not caring.... he''s not a LOT of what he should be. Go. You can find better. You deserve better. You REALLY do. Go. Get out. Take care of yourself here. Get some roommates and get on with your life!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Hey all---Thanks for the support. Since I last posted, We have gotten better. We have talked since then and have decide to have a fresh start at everything. I do not know what will happen in the future, but I am going to stick it out and see what happens. Right now I don''t think I could just walk out on him and let him go because of his dad. His dad''s lover cancer is growing and it looks like his body will not take treatment. We have talked about the house and all that, for now, I am staying put until an offer will be made and then move in with a friend. I do not know what will happen, but I thought everything deserved a second chance after our heart to heart the other day. For the most part, everything is going great now and we seem to be on the right track. I laid it all out for him and he didn''t realize everything I guess. Right now, we are getting through this week and then will have another heart to heart when we know more about his dad''s condition and when we can sit and talk with his mom about everything. We went down to his parents boat Sunday and his dad rested most of the time and he dad made the comment "You might want to come and learn how to steer the boat since mom cant do it on her own" well his dad has had a lot of medical problems in the past few years and he just doesnt want to do it anymore, and that is sad. When I get through graduation, and the parties and whatnot we will be having more conversations, but for now it seemed like enough. I need to get back to working on homework, thanks for all the thoughts and kind words. I was ready to give up and move on, but the heart to heart worked. I think the money situation got to him, especially knowing that there will be no life insurance when his dad does go. We are working it out and maybe after all of this ends (sadly tho) maybe he will be willing to see a counselor. Who knows. This week is hectic and there is never enough time to get things done. Graduation is friday and that will all be out of the way (along with finals...YAY!) Well back to work, thanks again.

God I LOVE ps!

~*Alexis*~

 

[anchor31]

I''m glad to hear things are getting better... Just keep in mind that he won''t change unless he wants to. You deserve someone who loves you and respects you!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Thanks for all the support!! I love you guys....