Need more advice please!

[ilovesparkles]

Are a couple that break-up and make-up doomed? Have any of you gone through this? And how do you get past the, OMG is it going to happen again? Because of the distance he feels helpless about knowing what the future brings. Especially because of his financial situation, he doesn''t have debt or bad credit, just basolutely no money. To me money is nothing, I don''t have any, but I don''t stress about it 24/7 like he does.

For those of you who don''t know the background here is my story.

You all have been so wonderful helping me and giving me your advice and opinions up until now and I am just waiting for more. And thank you so so so much in advance!

Amanda

 

[firebirdgold]

I think I must have missed something. You guys have a fight or something and breakup temporarily? Please tell us it wasn''t over rings!

I think we need more info first.

 

[ladykemma]

runs to get coffee...

ok, What happened? spill

 

[Anastasia]

With all due respect, I think you are rushing things. You need to take this relationship one day at a time. You have only known each other since October and only actually met each other less than two months ago. Discussing moving to be close to each other, and marriage at this point is putting a lot of stress on a very early relationship. I respect your feelings for each other, and I'm not implying that your feelings aren't genuine, and that you aren't meant to be together. I think you can know immediately when you have met "The One", but you should give things time to progress at a more natural pace. Just because you have had deep conversations about religion, life and your future goals, doesn't mean that you have to act on all of these things right now.

If you have broken up, I think it could be because both of you have jumped in so quickly. It doesn't mean that things won't work out for you, but maybe you just need to take a few steps back, and let things progress more slowly.

Best of Luck - I hope everything works out well for you.

 

[Blenheim]

Oh honey, what happened?


Speaking in broad generalities -- I don''t think that couples who break up and make up are necessarily doomed. Sometimes, it seems like it takes a little bit of distance for people to realize that they really want. Othertimes, the break up is because of some fundamental problem in the relationship that manages to be forgotten when the couple gets back together, then rears its ugly head later on. I think that we''re all going to need a few more details if we''re going to be able to give you any sort of decent advice.

 

[ilovesparkles]

OK so ya''ll need more details like I figured. I just feel embarassed for some reason but gotta push that aside to get your wonderful advice. OK so this is the second time this has happened which is part of why I am really on edge about the whole thing. As I mentioned above, he really REALLY stresses out about money because he currently lives pay check to pay check. I realize this is probably not the best thing but because money to me is just something you will always struggle with I don''t freak out. The second piece for him is that he is affraid of uncertainty and that the past will repeat itself. Years ago (he is 32 and 9 years older than me) he lived in Denver, CO. He met what he thought was the girl of his dreams, got engaged, and moved to Seattle WA to be with her. This all took place in 2 mos I believe. After being there for 6 mos, he fouind out she was cheating on him and the relationship ended. He has since established a basic bachelor life there and had given up on women because that was 2 in a row that did this to him. Then he met me and well most of you know our short back ground. So the last time this happened we had a REALLY long discussion about it and tried to put his fear of money and saving up at ease by flat out saying he wasn''t gonna be able to move here until next January since that was when I could actually fly out and help him etc. But he has since freaked out about his ability to save money by then and also begun to question what the future holds. What if he moves here and 2 years later something happens and we break up or our relationship meets its doom etc. On top of this he is really struggling with not being able to be with me physically more than every 2-3 mos because of the distance. It is really painful for him to want to be by my side every day and be reduced to a phone call instead.

So once again we had a very long and drawn out discussion last night. I told him that I cannot understand why he would throw this all away because of his fears if he truly loved me as much as he said. And he asked that no matter what ever happened that I could never question his love for me. I told him that wasn''t fair because by the very nature of his questioning our future 1 or 2 years down the road was questioning my love for him. He hadn''t realized that and conceded that I was more correct (which I hate believe it or not). He then begins to feel guilty and wrong, which I told him its not wrong or bad to raise these questions but what is wrong is to not talk about them. We are two people in a relationship and he cannot sit and brew on things for 2 weeks, make a decision, and lay it on me. We are a couple in a relationship and need to be able to talk through things and come to a decision. He again agreed. The biggest obstacle as I see it, is his inability to communicate his fears and anxieties. When things bother him and he gets depressed he holes up, shuts out the world, and simmers on the problem. I coming from a very unstable and emotional home, have realized that gets you no where and want to TALK TALK TALK about the issue until it can be resolved or the best compromise/solution is reached. This is truly the biggest obstacle above money and distance to our relationship.

So for a second time, we have in a sense "broken up" and talked through the problem and remained together. Last time I told him I was putting it behind me and completely trusted him 100%. This time I am not that willing or naive. Yes I have some trouble trusting and not knowing what next week brings. However, as I told him last night I can''t wake up tomorrow or even come to admit in the next 5 minutes that I am not with him because of these events. I love him and want to be with him and am willing to do and wait for whatever and whenever it takes to be with him because that is what I want. So after this long winded explanation I hope this sheds more light on the situation. I of course, was not up to giving every detail so give me your input, don''t hesitate to ask me questions for clarification. I hope it made sense. I am eager to hear what you all think. As you can figure, I like to talk about the problem Right now I am kind of affraid this will become a chronic problem that pagues by BF and I. I am heading out on the 15th of this month, and obviously we will have a lot to discuss and lookat while I am out there. THanls in advance for all your help, it is truly appreciated!

Amanda

 

[jennyt]

It sounds to me like this relationship is a lot of work and not a lot of fun. That''s not a good sign, especially in the beginning. I think our culture plays the "love is hard. love is work" matra far too often. Yes, there are difficult times and you need to work through those. But-for the most part, a romantic relationship should not be bringing this kind of stress into your life.

Plus, you get upset with him for questioning the future when I still can''t figure out why you''re even TALKING about the future at this early stage. Lighten up, enjoy today, and don''t talk about the "future" until you''ve been in this relationship for a great deal longer. In the meantime, if you keep breaking up and making up I would have to answer honestly the question you posed: yes, I think the relationship is doomed.

 

[ladykemma]

wouldn''t it be easier for you to move there....?

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 3/4/2006 2:24:31 PM
Author: ladykemma
wouldn''t it be easier for you to move there....?

That is complicated. I am in graduate school and will be finished in May 2007. Originally we agreed that he would move here because he doesn''t have many ties to Seattle other than a handful of friends and his job. His family is EVRYwhere over the US and mine is here. He isn''t particularly close to his family, I am best friends with my mom and we get homesick for each other if we spend more than a week apart. I have very strong ties to my religious community here and he has absolutely none. It is something I mentioned last night. That if we waited until after I graduated. I could perhaps move out there to be with him. Because at this point I am willing to do just about anything to be with him, the one exception being, I will not drop out of school and forget that dream. Absolutely nothing will come between me and my MAOT!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 3/4/2006 2:16:09 PM
Author: jennyt
It sounds to me like this relationship is a lot of work and not a lot of fun. That''s not a good sign, especially in the beginning. I think our culture plays the ''love is hard. love is work'' matra far too often. Yes, there are difficult times and you need to work through those. But-for the most part, a romantic relationship should not be bringing this kind of stress into your life.

Plus, you get upset with him for questioning the future when I still can''t figure out why you''re even TALKING about the future at this early stage. Lighten up, enjoy today, and don''t talk about the ''future'' until you''ve been in this relationship for a great deal longer. In the meantime, if you keep breaking up and making up I would have to answer honestly the question you posed: yes, I think the relationship is doomed.

It is a good deal of work but I think all relationships are. And we are happy more of the time than we are not. At least I am until he has a break down like this. But I think this relates to a lot of good points that have been nrought up on the forum thread about soul mates. People are not made perfectly for each other, all relationships have ups and downs, and issues that they need to work out. Its just tough to be able to say when the downs are too much and things just can''t be worked out. Up until now, I just want to work them out because I know they can be. I also think part of this problem between him and I are his instabilities and his need to be reassured. I dunno. Well I''m off to work for now. Thanks for the input so far and I will catch up with you all later!

Amanda

 

[firebirdgold]

Not to throw cold water on you, but are you absolutely positive that you're in love with him? Women have this amazing capacity to delude themselves. It is so easy to see the guy you want, not the guy that you have. And it's probably even easier to do so when the relationship is long distance.

I didn't realize he was so much older than you, I figured he was about the same age. What does he do? Forgive me those of you I'm about to offend, but a 32 yr. old guy should be doing better financially than living hand to mouth unless he's still a grad student or a starving artist/writer.

ETA: MAOT??

 

[bookworm21]

spakles, I have to say that you are rushing things a bit in this relationship. I agree with jennyt; it''s a bit too early to be contemplating the future at this point in the relationship. Like she said, you should really enjoy just being together and getting to know each other rather than stressing about whether you two are going to get married.

I also have to agree with Wren that he should not be living paycheck to paycheck at his age.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I really don''t mean to be, but it sounds as though you need to reevaluate what''s important to you: getting to know each other better and gradually moving towards marriage when both are ready, or rushing into a commitment that the two of you aren''t ready for.

 

[Mara]

i kind of agree it sounds like alot of work and no fun...relationships are work but they shouldn't be that way most of the time and personally i don't feel in the beginning it should be anything but fun fun fun. i mean who wants to hang out and have serious discussions all the time or whatever. not most men that's for sure.

can you just chill out for a while? does everything have to happen right now? i agree that it sounds like alot is happening very quickly. don't overscrutinize everything, why not just let things take their course for a while and see where things go?

he may want to take it slow because he has been burned before. he may be a hard one to change too at his age...you may be banging your head on the wall. i feel like if people want to be together THEY WILL. distance, money, whatever...people can make it work. but for now i would just leave things alone and try to enjoy the relationship as it is. if that is not working for you, then if you keep trying to have more discussions on it, you may end up just pushing him away. also i think with this long distance stuff it's easy to fill in the blanks with the personality traits you want the person to have, so just be cautious with filling in your own blanks, he may be trying to tell you something..aka maybe he's just really not ready after his bachelor life. i had to wait for ~2 years or so for my now-hubby to realize i was really the one and it was taking me some time to figure that out too. and that was spending time together all the time. he was a more die-hardish bachelor then too. sometimes it just works and sometimes it just doesn't.

good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

First of all I''m sorry you''re going through this turmoil. I''m sure it''s very emotional & painful & troubling (as well as exciting & dramatic -- which explains while you''re still "in it")

Couple things to consider:

People who move across the country to be with & become engaged to a "dream gal" after just 2 months are pretty impulsive & perhaps overly idealistic.

People who go from long-distance relationship to long-distance relationship, that break up when the people actually live in the same place ... are probably HARD to be IN a relationship with face to face, day to day.

People tell you who they are if you listen carefully. If he says he can''t save money, can''t trust again, isn''t sure he wants to move ... LISTEN. BELIEVE HIM.

Honestly, IMO it doesn''t sound like this guy is ready to be in ANY relationship right now. You shouldn''t have to be "convincing" him. Most of what you love about him you are very probably qualities that you''re projecting onto him ... qualities you''d LIKE him to have. People can "fake it" and be their idealized selves, or even pretend to be someone else entirely during the beginning of a relationship (especially a long distance relationship). Eventually their flaws & less desirable characteristics show up. How do you know he even loves you ... the real you ... when he''s only met you once! He hasn''t seen you at your worst and you haven''t seen him at his worst -- and he STILL wants to break up.

If I were you, I''d be very careful with my heart. Lower your expectations about this guy and your future together IMMEDIATELY. If you end up together, fine. But if you don''t, you''ll be better able to rebound.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 3/4/2006 9:01:49 PM
Author: decodelighted

People tell you who they are if you listen carefully. If he says he can''t save money, can''t trust again, isn''t sure he wants to move ... LISTEN. BELIEVE HIM.

This says it all.....I hope you can come to some sort of happy resolution for your future.

Heather

 

[Blenheim]

ilovesparkles,

I''m sorry that you''re going through this.

I agree with everything that decodelighted has told you. Another thing to consider is that (from what you have told us) he has established a certain pattern of unhealthy relationships in which he becomes very serious very quickly. None of these relationships has ended well. It often takes good therapy to break out of such patterns in relationships. Unless he''s changed a lot since then (and it seems like he hasn''t, from your history with him) I''d kind of expect a similar thing to happen with your relationship.

I''m also wondering if the cheating dreams that you''re having could at all be related to him and his dating history.

Be careful not to get so involved in this saving this relationship that you forget you and what''s best for you. Good luck with everything.

Blenheim

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 3/4/2006 10:17:49 PM
Author: Blenheim

I''m also wondering if the cheating dreams that you''re having could at all be related to him and his dating history.

Whoops! totally didn''t connect that thread with this one. In light of that...
IMO, your subconcious has been hammering away trying to get your attention. There is something awry here and at least part of you knows it.

I hope I''m wrong.

 

[midgirl]

My friends who have gone through break up get back break up get back-have never been truly happy and convince themselves that the person they are with is "the one" even if all signs point to no. People don''t want to give up but in the long run if it ain''t meant to be it ain''t meant to be. You can''t make any relationship work---if you want to be happy you have to realize that short term sadness from a clear breakup will be much better than a lifetime of fights, constant talks of breakups and other bs.

It is almost like you need to think more long term, even though you already are. You can''t make something work that doesn''t work. It takes two to make a relationship work and if he isn''t ready, and it sounds like he doesn''t want a relationship, then leave! His history of being burned will carry through with him and he might always be a little hesitant to go full throttle in a relationship.

Either way girls tend to rush things and even though he is old and seems like someone who should and would get married fast, he is human like the rest of us. Plus someone of that age living check to check (unless as stated before he is a SA) --is that someone you want to be with?

Think things through and remember long term is LONG term and short term sadness is only short!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Hmmmmmmm, obviously not exactly what I want to hear, but perhaps something I need to hear and really think about. Last night I was so restless I was up until 3am doing nothing trying to ignore my racing mind. Perhaps I really need to listen to my racing mind and try to figure things out. I don''t know what it is I need to figure out, but it sure is something. I think it is hard to just sit back and enjoy the here and now and "let the relationship develop" because of the distance. Part of rushing into it is why waste time and money on something that isn''t worth it you know. Obviously I have a lot to think about in the next week. THank you so so much. It means so much to me to have this network of people to come to. (My mother''s opinions are rather predictable and she can''t stand all the drama either.) I have run out of words, I just need to let my mind run I guess.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Wren - ETA: MAOT??

OK I havent been able to figure out what ETA stands for. But MAOT is Master of Arts in Occupational Therapy.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 3/4/2006 11:07:11 PM
Author: ilovesparkles
Wren - ETA: MAOT??


OK I havent been able to figure out what ETA stands for. But MAOT is Master of Arts in Occupational Therapy.

Thank you

I was wondering about it. And I''ve been assuming that ETA meant Edited To Add.

I don''t know what resources you have available but if you have the chance to do something that would let your body relax while your mind drifted (Like a hot tub, or a sauna, or a massage) then things might crystalize in your head a bit. At the very least you''ll sleep better

 

[Mara]

iluv..i know that the distance and not wanting to waste time makes you maybe want to move faster but you have alot of food for thought. if you really feel like this person is one you want to continue to get to know (and think hard about the qualities and personality traits you know of rather than can ''imagine''), then continue the relationship but try not to pressure it. i also agree that many times you have to listen to what people tell you rather than trying to convince yourself that you can change their mind or somehow make it better or right the wrongs others have done to them etc. at least you seem to be open to the possibility that there may be more to this than meets the eye initially and are willing to give it some scrutiny. good luck!!!

 

[valeria101]

Got badly, badly burnt with someone older & perpetually broke. It was very much fun at the beginning, but oh dear...

Probably you guys are nothing like this. But, dunno, just take a step back and imagine you would have to judge this guy's record for... hiring him rather than marrying him!

One thing I've learned from that (stupid!) long-term long-distance relationship is how much it is possible to confuse reality with what you would want it to be... if only having short snapshots of the other person's life: weeks or at most months at a time with long breaks and never twice in the same place. Perhaps I was just lucky to drop onto this very difficult and manipulative creature at my most vulnerable, however, I was also in the middle of studies like you with my main focus on the book and badly needing moral support on the side. It wasn't even a lesson to learn, more like a hard blow between the eyes.

If anything. I'd leave the big, big decision until one day after your graduation. That you would not let this relationship (or any other) interfere with you degree is the best thing

 

[monarch64]

" coming from a very unstable and emotional home, have realized that gets you no where and want to TALK TALK TALK about the issue until it can be resolved or the best compromise/solution is reached. This is truly the biggest obstacle above money and distance to our relationship. "


Iluv...do you think it''s a possibility that you are so used to dealing with unstable and emotional relationships in your life that this is what you expect a "normal" relationship to be like? Just something to ponder from someone who grew up pretty much the same. My parents were on the verge of divorcing every year of my childhood, my dad was an alcoholic (recovered when I was 11), and I found myself, in my early twenties, getting into relationships that weren''t great for me, but they were what I was used to...chaotic, unstable, etc. I finally had to step back and look at the situations I was putting myself in, and realize that I was WORTHY of a relationship that didn''t cause me grief every step of the way. Being familiar with a situation and thinking you know how to fix it (i.e. talk, talk, talk, until things are resolved) doesn''t necessarily mean you will have a great relationship. It usually means you are familiar with how to deal with that particular situation.

I just worry that the short timespan of your relationship, coupled with the fact that your guy is telling you he needs some space, is adding fuel to your fire, and in the long run might not be the healthiest relationship for you.

Just my .02....I hope everything works out well for you!

 

[chickflick]

It's hard to give advice on such an important and personal topic without truly knowing you, but just based on reading your other post and this one it does sound to me like you aren't taking a lot of time to truly get to know each other and just enjoy that process. It's so special when you're in the "first blush" of love and every day you find something new or wonderful about each other. I think you should put a lot of effort into physically seeing each other as much as possible- perhaps you should plan more time when you visit him- and see how your values and priorities intersect on a day-to-day basis.

Also, it's very hard to avoid but we all have a tendancy to want the man in our lives to be THE man in our lives to the point where we can make a round peg fit into a square hole. Don't talk yourself into something just because the thought of an ering and being married is very exciting. I'm not saying you're doing that- I don't know you well enough to say that- but just make sure it's HIM you're excited about and not all of the accoutrements of getting married.

And to answer your original question- I don't think breaking up and then getting back together means you're doomed. I think it means there are things in the relationship that you need to work though.

Good luck, sweetie! I hope it all works out for you guys!

 

[princessv]

Hrm coming from a long distance relationship myself, I think I could hopefully shed some light on this.

My fiance and I met by chance, talked online, phone for about 3-4 months as friends and then decided to meet up again. He was visiting his mom in the area and I decided to meet up with him and visit with him at his place. Well after that visit, we felt pretty strongly about each other and decided to try for a committed relationship. Problem is I was about to put twice the distance between us...literally, two different sides of the country. After we decided to officially be committed, two months later he visited me up North and I voluntarily told him I''d move...but only with a more serious commitment ie engagement. I wasn''t going to give up law school however, it was all contingent on the fact that I was going to be accepted somewhere down South.

We went back and forth about the whole moving issue. I think/know at this point he wasn''t ready to be engaged. In the event that I was not accepted for transfer, he told me he''d move. It was hard for the next few months..in fact we almost broke up because of the problems mostly stemming from the distance. He also said at this point, he wasn''t ready to be engaged. Then, the engagement problems started...financial problems, to a sketchy local jeweler where my mom lives. I still think he wasn''t ready to be engaged which is why he was dragging his feet.By the end of the summer, I still wasn''t engaged and had moved and been accepted down South. Then, he decided to move away from me which just about killed me..I decided to end things but fortunately, he knew he made the wrong decision and moved back within a couple of days. In the end, after the hurricane displaced us, he offered to move with me whereever I decided to go to school. This really changed my mind about him and I knew he was committed then. Sure enough, 3 months later, we got engaged. (finally!)

The point I''m trying to make by telling you my experience is 1) don''t rush things (like others have said) 2) if your guy acts like he''s not ready and is having second thoughts, take that as a SERIOUS BIG RED FLAG. I don''t think that breaking up and getting back together means a relationship is doomed, but I do think that you need to take a serious step back and examine your relationship and think about what your guy has said. Coming from personal experience, I knew within a few months that this was the guy for me, and in retrospect I feel I was trying to rush things too much, which ultimately caused problems in my relationship that would NOT have been present if I didn''t rush things the way I did.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Princess V, thanks for the input and your experience, it does give me some hope. I have been sitting on this whole situation since it happened, only Friday sheesh its felt like weeks. I have to admit that with all the pessimistic advice I have been a little down but it has really made me think about things and let my head do some tqalking instead of my heart. I do not feel or believe that I have given him characteristics that I wish he had because of the distance. I believe that I do know the man I love however there is so much more I need to learn about him. I am trying to take things day by day right now and not focus or fret about the future because I truly and honestly cannot say what it holds. I am going out there in a week and I don''t know what that holds or what it will bring. I think I have come to accept that right now, atleast until I visit him and can discuss things in person, things are hung in a delicate balance. I guess my biggest issue right now after this second break up is trust. I don''t know what today will bring and have a hard time trusting he will communicate what is on his mind. I am also wrestling with the fact that I do so much to SHOW him how much I love him and he doesn''t do the same. It could just be his nature and it could be something more. Again only time will tell. THank you everyone for your input, and for those of you that have more bring it on! It all helps, good or bad. I think the bad has forced me to really sit and think however the good gives me hope that in the end things will work out how they are supposed to and I cannot force them.

AManda

 

[littlelysser]

Amanda - I've been lurking and reading your posts about your BF for quite a while and now, and I'm sorry for what you are going through. And in lieu of doing work, I'm going to give some entirely unsolicited advice.

I agree with everything Deco said. Completely and totally.

There are red flags going up all over the place for me.
He hasn't mentioned you to his family? That is troubling on many levels. Either he isn't close with anyone in his family, which is problematic, or he doesn't feel like you two have reached a level where he wants to introduce you.

He lives paycheck to paycheck. I understand that money isn't everything. I just took a huge pay cut to leave a job I hate. But what about goals? You are in grad school and clearly have plans for the future...it doesn't appear that he is bringing much to the plate in that sense. And he is nine years older than you are. That worries me. Further worrying me is the fact that you are contemplating moving to be with him. And that instead of saving money, he spending it on things like a membership to a dating website.

You said you'd do anything to be with him, despite the fact that he seems to repeatedly tell you that he can't be what you want. What you are describing doesn't sound like love...and I don't want to be harsh here at all, but it sounds more like an obsession. Considering leaving a place where you have family ties, friends and religious roots to be with a man you met 6 months ago and have seen only once? That doesn't seem rational. And I know love isn't rational, but really, lasting, long-term love IS rational for the most part. And someone that loves you would NOT want you to move away from your family and friends to be with him, particularly when, as you said, there is nothing holding him to Seattle.

You've known this guy for SIX months. And you've seen him once. You say you are happy most of the time...but what does that mean? You are happy talking on the phone? You are happy thinking about seeing him? Reread your posts on this website. They dont' sound like they are written by a person in a happy relationship.

He's made several really impulsive romantic decisions in the past...that have clearly ended very badly. He rejoined the website where you met. I know it is kind of painful to do...but look at the big picture here. Put aside what you feel for him, and look at what he has done and said to you.

And honestly, and again, I do not say this to be cruel - how well do you know him? You've been to visit him once. Chris Rock has a joke where he says that you don't get to know someone you are dating right away, you get to know that person's representative - meaning that a person tries to put all their good qualities out there and hide the bad ones. I'm not saying he's created this fake persona or lied about anything...but there may be things he doesn't want you to know...I don't know...I just get a really bad feeling reading your posts.

I don't know you, and I definitely don't know this man, but it just seems like trouble to me. You seem so very invested in a man who doesn't appear to share your feelings. He's broken your heart on several occassions and you've only spent time with him once. I understand believing that someone is the "one" and believing in soulmates. Truth be told, I'm not sure soulmates exist. I think that amazing rush of first love exists...and that talking on the phone for hours and loving every story he tells...and thinking he's the most amazing, handsome brilliant man in the entire world...BUT there comes a time when you've heard all the stories (some of them 5 or 6 times) and the butterflies go away and you notice that he actually has really long nose hairs...and that's when real love comes into play...

Can I ask you a couple questions - What do you LOVE about him? What makes him so wonderful in your eyes?

Again...just my two cents.

 

[Cailet]

Date: 4/3/2006 2:56:28 PM
Author: littlelysser

I agree with everything Deco said. Completely and totally.

There are red flags going up all over the place for me.
He hasn''t mentioned you to his family? That is troubling on many levels. Either he isn''t close with anyone in his family, which is problematic, or he doesn''t feel like you two have reached a level where he wants to introduce you.

He lives paycheck to paycheck. I understand that money isn''t everything. I just took a huge pay cut to leave a job I hate. But what about goals? You are in grad school and clearly have plans for the future...it doesn''t appear that he is bringing much to the plate in that sense. And he is nine years older than you are. That worries me. Further worrying me is the fact that you are contemplating moving to be with him. And that instead of saving money, he spending it on things like a membership to a dating website.

You said you''d do anything to be with him, despite the fact that he seems to repeatedly tell you that he can''t be what you want. What you are describing doesn''t sound like love...and I don''t want to be harsh here at all, but it sounds more like an obsession. Considering leaving a place where you have family ties, friends and religious roots to be with a man you met 6 months ago and have seen only once? That doesn''t seem rational. And I know love isn''t rational, but really, lasting, long-term love IS rational for the most part. And someone that loves you would NOT want you to move away from your family and friends to be with him, particularly when, as you said, there is nothing holding him to Seattle.

You''ve known this guy for SIX months. And you''ve seen him once. You say you are happy most of the time...but what does that mean? You are happy talking on the phone? You are happy thinking about seeing him? Reread your posts on this website. They dont'' sound like they are written by a person in a happy relationship.

He''s made several really impulsive romantic decisions in the past...that have clearly ended very badly. He rejoined the website where you met. I know it is kind of painful to do...but look at the big picture here. Put aside what you feel for him, and look at what he has done and said to you.

And honestly, and again, I do not say this to be cruel - how well do you know him? You''ve been to visit him once. Chris Rock has a joke where he says that you don''t get to know someone you are dating right away, you get to know that person''s representative - meaning that a person tries to put all their good qualities out there and hide the bad ones. I''m not saying he''s created this fake persona or lied about anything...but there may be things he doesn''t want you to know...I don''t know...I just get a really bad feeling reading your posts.

I don''t know you, and I definitely don''t know this man, but it just seems like trouble to me. You seem so very invested in a man who doesn''t appear to share your feelings. He''s broken your heart on several occassions and you''ve only spent time with him once. I understand believing that someone is the ''one'' and believing in soulmates. Truth be told, I''m not sure soulmates exist. I think that amazing rush of first love exists...and that talking on the phone for hours and loving every story he tells...and thinking he''s the most amazing, handsome brilliant man in the entire world...BUT there comes a time when you''ve heard all the stories (some of them 5 or 6 times) and the butterflies go away and you notice that he actually has really long nose hairs...and that''s when real love comes into play...

I really really hope that I am reading into your posts too much. I REALLY hope so.

But I agree with everything that lysser(and deco before her) said - it seems like you are in love with "being in love" (or in love with your bf''s representative as lysser said) and not necessarily with the specific, actual guy you are dating. Of course none of us gals really know the situation - and we could be way off base - but it really seems like there are a lot of things that you may need to sit down and think really really hard about. Only you can say if you really love your bf, if the relationship is worth all the work it seems to cause you, if you are willing to continue to put in that work for a while.

I''m sending tons of good vibes your way - I hope you are able to figure out what will be best for you!!

 

[stermag]

Well, little''s comment brought this thread back from the archives and I just now, for the first time, read some of the posts which I missed previously.

Ana, yours, in particular, stood out... and I liked its tone and message. That''s all.

M