Need opinions on demoting "MOH"s

[PearlDahhhling]

If you've read my past threads, you will understand why I'm pretty positive I want to demote my two MOHs to BMs and make one of my BMs my MOH!

If you haven't read them, than go read them!

I just typed up this letter to one of the MOHs in question. Please let me know what you think. Is it harsh? Is it rude at all? Would you be offended if you received this letter? Would you understand and graciously accept your place as bridesmaid?


A,
Firstly I want you to know that I love you and I cherish our friendship and all of the wonderful memories we’ve made over the years. I’m saddened by the fact that we’ve grown apart over the past few years, but I suppose it’s inevitable since I moved to a different state and we’ve both gone on with our lives. But I do, and always will, think of you as one of my closest friends.

I still want you to come to my wedding and stand up with me at the altar when I get married. However I would like you to do so as a Bridesmaid, rather than my Maid of Honor. I hope you don’t take offense to this, as it is nothing personal, but I feel it is the right and moral thing to do.

I feel that H deserves to be my Maid of Honor. She has been here for everything, planned my shower and bachelorette party, and basically taken on the job of a MOH without the title. I know that because of the distance between us, you have been unable to take on the obligations of a MOH and I think it’s only fair to take these expectations off of you, especially since H has been able to stand up and fulfill the role of MOH. I don’t want to have any expectations of you that you are unable to fulfill, therefore resulting in any negative feelings. I think that in this situation, with the distance between us, it will be easier on you as well to have less expectations and obligations placed upon you.

I don’t want this to upset you at all because I feel that this is simply something that will work out better for everyone. If it does upset you, I understand and I apologize.
Love,
S


EDIT: This letter would be going to the one who got mad that her BF couldn't come to the wedding and who had her mom email me.

Also, if you think the letter isn't the way to go, do you have any other suggestions for how to go about doing this?

 

[neatfreak]

I think she''s probably going to be pissed and/or hurt by receiving something like this. If you still want to send it-go for it. But I wouldn''t be surprised if she bailed on your wedding entirely based on her previous behavior. It''s a sucky situation regardless hon. Good luck!

 

[tlh]

An email is out of line here.

Read what you wrote if you wish, but she deserves at the very LEAST a telephone call explaining this situation, so she can hear your heart come through. An email is far too impersonal, when taking away a roll that carries with it a high level of distinction.

Best wishes.

 

[LadyBlue]

What I will do is have 3 MOH. Just let know the other 2 girls that your BM has been helping you a lot, so your naming her MOH as well.

Good luck

 

[doodle]

I agree with neatfreak and tlh. She''s most likely going to be upset, and considering the circumstances, you really should call if it''s impossible to speak in person. I''d tread carefully on this one; I can tell you from personal experience that stuff like this can sometimes end a friendship. Best of luck to you!

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:05:24 PM
Author: tlh
An email is out of line here.

Read what you wrote if you wish, but she deserves at the very LEAST a telephone call explaining this situation, so she can hear your heart come through. An email is far too impersonal, when taking away a roll that carries with it a high level of distinction.

Best wishes.

HUGE ditto. This isn''t something that should happen in an e-mail. While I doubt this will go well in conversation, it will go even worse in e-mail or written format.

I''m going to be brutally honest here - no matter my relatioship with someone or how I''d misbehaved in the past, if I got a "Bridesmaid demotion" e-mail, I''d bail from the wedding without thinking a moment further.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:05:24 PM
Author: tlh
An email is out of line here.


Read what you wrote if you wish, but she deserves at the very LEAST a telephone call explaining this situation, so she can hear your heart come through. An email is far too impersonal, when taking away a roll that carries with it a high level of distinction.


Best wishes.

I agree with you and would prefer to do this over the phone or even in person, but this particular friend is very overemotional and reactive and I''m afraid it will just turn into an argument and her yelling at me.

I also was planning on hand writing this out and sending it via snail-mail... If that makes any difference...

But I really do appreciate your opinion and perspective. I want to do this in a way that will result in the fewest hurt feelings.

 

[princesss]

Call her. This girl was a close enough friend that you asked her to stand up in your wedding. I know you're not happy with her at the moment, but for the sake of salvaging any part of the friendship, at least let her hear your voice. An e-mail about that would be insulting, at least IMHO. Personal stuff is generally best talked about as close to face to face as you can get.

ETA: She may be reactive, but it's on you if you react to her yelling. You can stay calm and reasonable. I'm just not sure you've got a snowball's chance of keeping the friendship if she gets that letter/e-mail. She may get the letter and call and yell at you anyways.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:10:30 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 5/7/2009 4:05:24 PM
Author: tlh
An email is out of line here.


Read what you wrote if you wish, but she deserves at the very LEAST a telephone call explaining this situation, so she can hear your heart come through. An email is far too impersonal, when taking away a roll that carries with it a high level of distinction.


Best wishes.

I agree with you and would prefer to do this over the phone or even in person, but this particular friend is very overemotional and reactive and I''m afraid it will just turn into an argument and her yelling at me.

I also was planning on hand writing this out and sending it via snail-mail... If that makes any difference...

But I really do appreciate your opinion and perspective. I want to do this in a way that will result in the fewest hurt feelings.

I''d take the verbal lashing... you don''t want to because it will hurt your feelings. Demoting her is GOING TO HURT HERS A LOT. If she is WAAAY out of line on her tirade, I''d ask her to step down completely. Trust me, she doesn''t think what she''s been doing is out of line. In some ways she may be painting you out to be bridezilla of the year, when you''re not. I''d just be direct and honest. She is your friend afterall.

At some point you thought high enough of her to ask her to be your MOH. If you asked her expecting her to plan the shower, the bachellorette party, and she didn''t because she''s so far away - and the title was only just an honorary title to signify her importance in the friendship... then maybe you expected too much from her w/o being clear what you wanted from her. She might have thought all she needed to do, was buy a dress, and show up to the rehearsal and wedding day events.

I''d be prepared for her feelings to be hurt, I just think the blow up on the phone won''t be as bad as the aftermath of snailmail. Even though more personal.. just seems cowardly.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:16:55 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/7/2009 4:10:30 PM

Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 5/7/2009 4:05:24 PM

Author: tlh

An email is out of line here.



Read what you wrote if you wish, but she deserves at the very LEAST a telephone call explaining this situation, so she can hear your heart come through. An email is far too impersonal, when taking away a roll that carries with it a high level of distinction.



Best wishes.

I agree with you and would prefer to do this over the phone or even in person, but this particular friend is very overemotional and reactive and I''m afraid it will just turn into an argument and her yelling at me.


I also was planning on hand writing this out and sending it via snail-mail... If that makes any difference...


But I really do appreciate your opinion and perspective. I want to do this in a way that will result in the fewest hurt feelings.

I''d take the verbal lashing... you don''t want to because it will hurt your feelings. Demoting her is GOING TO HURT HERS A LOT. If she is WAAAY out of line on her tirade, I''d ask her to step down completely. Trust me, she doesn''t think what she''s been doing is out of line. In some ways she may be painting you out to be bridezilla of the year, when you''re not. I''d just be direct and honest. She is your friend afterall.


At some point you thought high enough of her to ask her to be your MOH. If you asked her expecting her to plan the shower, the bachellorette party, and she didn''t because she''s so far away - and the title was only just an honorary title to signify her importance in the friendship... then maybe you expected too much from her w/o being clear what you wanted from her. She might have thought all she needed to do, was buy a dress, and show up to the rehearsal and wedding day events.


I''d be prepared for her feelings to be hurt, I just think the blow up on the phone won''t be as bad as the aftermath of snailmail. Even though more personal..just seems cowardly .

Thank you for your input. Cowardly is exactly what I DON''T want to be. Which is why this is so hard. I want to do the right thing and I think that promoting my BM friend to MOH is the right thing to do considering how much she''s done for me. I don''t want to avoid making any changes to the bridal party because I''m too afraid of hurting people''s feelings, but in the same breath I don''t want to hurt ANYONE''S feelings.

I don''t see how I could possibly have 3 MOHs and have the one BM left be my FSIL. That definitely won''t work.

Ahhhh. This is hard.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Hmmm. I honestly don''t think it''s too harsh.

Two things I would add:
- In the third paragraph, I''d somehow write in there something that alludes to how it''s more a mistake you made, i.e. you shouldn''t have placed her as MOH when you knew the distance would be a hindrance. Just to take a little heat off.
- At the end, I''d add a sentence about feel free to call me and we can talk more about it, something to that effect.

I just don''t think this is too harsh, because she''s the one not being rational at all. She''s the one who''s not acting in any sort of way how a friend should.

Haha maybe I''m wrong in this, but I''d probably use email. I recently had to clarify a few things to a friend of mine who was a little hurt by some things she had misconstrued about how busy I was, taking it as I didn''t want to talk to her and was ignoring her. So I emailed her, and texted her at the same time telling her I''d sent one and to make sure to check it. I don''t think I''d use snail mail for this, because of the delay and sort of "official-ness" of it.

It is a sticky situation, but I feel you''re doing what''s best for the entire situation overall. If she calls and freaks about it, explain that to her. Reiterate what you wrote in the letter about how it''s unfair to her to place those expectations on her that she can''t fulfull (although it''s not her fault, it''s more the distance), but how it''s also unfair to just leave that as it is because you need someone to fulfill those obligations, and H is able to do that. Tell her it''s not a competition, and try to get her to see that. She''s still special to you, because she''s still a bridesmaid. Man, I''m anticipating it now for you, haha - just judging by her past reaction, she''ll freak out, maybe even bail. But she needs to be more rational. What is it about weddings that turn people into competitors and irrational people??

 

[Sparkalicious]

Pearl - This is a terrible and frustrating no win situation, however, I''m thinking that email is not the best way to address your concerns. A phone call or some other form of "in person" conversation would be in order if you are intent on having this discussion.

This being said, I propose an alternate option because by addressing this situation at all, you might be - unwillingly, albeit - encouraging more drama. My suggestion (not sure if it works for you in this situation or not) is to leave well enough alone, so to speak.

You have graced your MoH''s with this title because of what they mean in your life etc and when push comes to shove, they have disappointed you and are behaving poorly. Your bm, however, has stepped up and really been fantastic. It is what it is. Why don''t you just leave it that way? Nip the drama in the proverbial bud. By addressing this formally and demoting/promoting people, even though it is only a "title", inevitably people''s feelings are going to get hurt and something is going to get lost in translation. Who''s going to feel the repercussions of this? Not the MoH''s ... since they will likely be too busy being "victims" to your perceived yet untrue bridezillaish antics. It will be you, which, quite frankly, leaves you no better off than where you are right now.

Instead of directing your energy at the MoH''s, why don''t you try to come at it from another angle and praise your bm who has stepped up and let her know that she really deserves the MoH "title" as she has been doing such an incredible job and that you are so glad that she is involved and so engaged in your pre-wedding process ... you don''t know what you would do without her, yada yada.

She doesn''t "need" to be, in title, anyways, your MoH. She can still complete all the tasks that she wants for you or that you request of her and be there for you as an exemplary BM and take up the slack for the MoH''s. No harm, no foul and no unnecessary energy expended having difficult conversations with seemingly difficult and disengaged people.

As long as you know that you have mentally demoted your MoH''s, then there is less opportunity for disappointment. You''re not expecting anything from them ... instead, you know that you have a BM not a MoH upon which you can rely.

Does this make sense to you?? Do you think it might work? I''m sorry if it''s not clear but I really hate to see you having to waste so much energy only to gain additional heartache on these friends.

 

[doodle]

The thing is, you have a right to express your feelings, and so does she, but by sending a letter, it''s one-sided correspondence. You get to say what you want without her getting to respond, and it IS cowardly. I understand your not wanting to deal with her getting super-emotional, but in that situation, I think ANYONE would be emotional, and it''s only fair that she get to express her side to you. If you feel strongly enough about her actions to demote her, then be strong enough to say so.

Keeping the letter on standby while you talk to her isn''t a bad idea though--it may keep you more focused and calmer, thus less likely to lose your cool should she cross a line in retaliation. I went through a somewhat similar situation--in my case, I didn''t ask one of my best friends since childhood to be a bridesmaid, and I had to sit down and tell her why I had decided not to. It was really hard, very awkward, and she was extremely upset, but I''m glad that I gave her the courtesy of having that conversation, difficult as it was, because it was respectful, and it had a lot to do with us being able to patch things up later on down the road. Good luck, Pearl. You seem like a very logical, sweet girl, so I''m sure things will work out for the best for you!

 

[ams0124]

I''m going to assume your not a confrontational person...I''m not either, so I feel where your coming from...I do.

That being said, I don''t think that a letter sent in any way, email, usps or otherwise to avoid confrontation and argument is appropriate in this situation. She''s going to confront you regardless how she receives this news...What were your plans for after she receives this letter in the mail and calls you? Is she the type that would write you a letter back? From your posts about her it doesn''t seem that way...I think that when she receives this letter it''s going to give her 2 reasons to yell at you...1) being demoted and 2) getting the news in a letter.

I really think you just need to bite the bullet here and call the girl. If she starts yelling like crazy on the phone, just put the phone down for a minute or two...This is going to be all about class and dignity...If you handle yourself as such and try not to let her comments cut too deep it just might go smoother than you think.

Who knows maybe she''s rethinking her willingness to be the MOH. You might just be setting her free...

I would tell her like you would want to be told...Golden Rule.

Good Luck

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:21:04 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Thank you for your input. Cowardly is exactly what I DON'T want to be. Which is why this is so hard. I want to do the right thing and I think that promoting my BM friend to MOH is the right thing to do considering how much she's done for me. I don't want to avoid making any changes to the bridal party because I'm too afraid of hurting people's feelings, but in the same breath I don't want to hurt ANYONE'S feelings.

I don't see how I could possibly have 3 MOHs and have the one BM left be my FSIL. That definitely won't work.

Ahhhh. This is hard.

I certainly don't think you should just add another MOH and keep the other 2. If you do that, you should just have all BMs and no MOH.

I read the posts that were done while I was typing. It may be a little better to call. And if she completely freaks, maybe this is someone who's too stressful to be in your wedding period. You DON'T want this one person by your side during the whole planning process who's making your life a big ball of stress.

I wrote my friend an email first, and I wrote in there that I had specifically written it out so I could get all my thoughts out rationally and completely. She understood that. She also replied to my email, and we have since been in touch. That's why I suggested, if you do the email/letter, that you write in there an invitation to call/contact you about it. Maybe another suggestion would be to write that you're using this form to get everything out at once, as I did.

Touching on your first paragraph in the quote, I do definitely think you should carry on with what you're doing. It's the fairest thing for yourself and your wellbeing during this planning process. And somehow she needs to come to understand that. She's the MOH right now, but not acting like it in the least. She doesn't see that how she's acting is not becoming of an MOH, who's supposed to be supportive and uplifting, not yelling, childish, and avoiding.

 

[bee*]

I agree with the others in that if you can, I''d call her and explain it to her over the phone. I would expect for her feelings to be hurt though. I don''t think that you''re being too harsh though in having her as only a BM. Best of luck!

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:21:04 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 5/7/2009 4:16:55 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/7/2009 4:10:30 PM

Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 5/7/2009 4:05:24 PM

Author: tlh

An email is out of line here.



Read what you wrote if you wish, but she deserves at the very LEAST a telephone call explaining this situation, so she can hear your heart come through. An email is far too impersonal, when taking away a roll that carries with it a high level of distinction.



Best wishes.

I agree with you and would prefer to do this over the phone or even in person, but this particular friend is very overemotional and reactive and I''m afraid it will just turn into an argument and her yelling at me.


I also was planning on hand writing this out and sending it via snail-mail... If that makes any difference...


But I really do appreciate your opinion and perspective. I want to do this in a way that will result in the fewest hurt feelings.

I''d take the verbal lashing... you don''t want to because it will hurt your feelings. Demoting her is GOING TO HURT HERS A LOT. If she is WAAAY out of line on her tirade, I''d ask her to step down completely. Trust me, she doesn''t think what she''s been doing is out of line. In some ways she may be painting you out to be bridezilla of the year, when you''re not. I''d just be direct and honest. She is your friend afterall.


At some point you thought high enough of her to ask her to be your MOH. If you asked her expecting her to plan the shower, the bachellorette party, and she didn''t because she''s so far away - and the title was only just an honorary title to signify her importance in the friendship... then maybe you expected too much from her w/o being clear what you wanted from her. She might have thought all she needed to do, was buy a dress, and show up to the rehearsal and wedding day events.


I''d be prepared for her feelings to be hurt, I just think the blow up on the phone won''t be as bad as the aftermath of snailmail. Even though more personal..just seems cowardly .

Thank you for your input. Cowardly is exactly what I DON''T want to be. Which is why this is so hard. I want to do the right thing and I think that promoting my BM friend to MOH is the right thing to do considering how much she''s done for me. I don''t want to avoid making any changes to the bridal party because I''m too afraid of hurting people''s feelings, but in the same breath I don''t want to hurt ANYONE''S feelings.

I don''t see how I could possibly have 3 MOHs and have the one BM left be my FSIL. That definitely won''t work.

Ahhhh. This is hard.

Um - why? Is that any weirder than having two MoHs?? A friend of mine did this - 4 bms total, 3 MoHs. She had one MoH stand next to her during the ceremony, another MoH gave the toast at the reception, and the other MoH gave the toast and the second reception (yes there were 2). You can definitely divy up MoH responsibilities in some way, it''s not a big deal, and I don''t think it looks strange (besides, who cares if it does if it saves you the heartache/drama of confronting this friend and you still get to honor your other friend who has been true blue to you?)

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:29:40 PM
Author: Elmorton

Um - why? Is that any weirder than having two MoHs?? A friend of mine did this - 4 bms total, 3 MoHs. She had one MoH stand next to her during the ceremony, another MoH gave the toast at the reception, and the other MoH gave the toast and the second reception (yes there were 2). You can definitely divy up MoH responsibilities in some way, it''s not a big deal, and I don''t think it looks strange (besides, who cares if it does if it saves you the heartache/drama of confronting this friend and you still get to honor your other friend who has been true blue to you?)

Hm, good idea. I never thought if it that way. The only issue I see there is the one other BM may feel belittled, just a thought though.

 

[doodle]

I think Sparkalicious has a good point--demoting them puts more stress on you, not them. If you really want to honor the bridesmaid who has helped you so much, maybe you could think her during a toast at your reception or include specific mention of her if you''re planning on writing a note thanking your parents in your programs or something? There are other ways to acknowledge how wonderful your BM has been without taking on the additional BS you''d catch from your MOH.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:32:39 PM
Author: doodle
I think Sparkalicious has a good point--demoting them puts more stress on you, not them. If you really want to honor the bridesmaid who has helped you so much, maybe you could think her during a toast at your reception or include specific mention of her if you''re planning on writing a note thanking your parents in your programs or something? There are other ways to acknowledge how wonderful your BM has been without taking on the additional BS you''d catch from your MOH.

that''s true. I did that during the rehearsal dinner. far more intimate. and then I sang a song I wrote, about how I was a bridezilla. It was really funny. If I find it sometime I''ll write out the lyrics. It was basically every thing I freaked out about in a 10 month period sung in a 3 minute song. After I was done my FIL wished he had brought the video camera.

I think the rehearsal dinner would be the appropriate place. They''ll all be there, and toasting to your rocking AWESOME Bridesmaid is always appreciated.

Just watch out... that MOH may have the wrath of Kahn behind her.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:10:30 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 5/7/2009 4:05:24 PM
Author: tlh
An email is out of line here.


Read what you wrote if you wish, but she deserves at the very LEAST a telephone call explaining this situation, so she can hear your heart come through. An email is far too impersonal, when taking away a roll that carries with it a high level of distinction.


Best wishes.

I agree with you and would prefer to do this over the phone or even in person, but this particular friend is very overemotional and reactive and I''m afraid it will just turn into an argument and her yelling at me.

I also was planning on hand writing this out and sending it via snail-mail... If that makes any difference...

But I really do appreciate your opinion and perspective. I want to do this in a way that will result in the fewest hurt feelings.

A couple of things...

I agree 100% with doing this over the phone...e-mails can often be taken wrongly (like with any typed message) and I think you''d be best served laying it out and playing it straight. I understand that this might make you uncomfortable... but, oh well. Not to sound snarky, but you owe her more than than an e-mail when it comes to something this big. If she gets mad, that''s her right. If she''s hurt, it''s understandable. But, you''re a big girl and need to take your lumps.

Secondly, please leave out the whole "my new MOH is wonderful" stuff. While it all may be very true...it''s coming off like a put down. Your friend is who she is, and it''s not fair to messure her against someone else. If you want to demote her, that''s your right, but you''re still supposed to be her friend so spare her the "you''re not enough" stuff. If you''re going to spin it...spin it in her favor...like you did in the last sentence...make it seem like you''re putting her situation first and really doing her favor.

I know you''re doing whats best for you...and that it does make sense...but you need to remember that this your long time friend, someone who did make a commitment to you--and although times are tough, she''s probably feeling horrible as it is--so, don''t make her feel worse.

 

[mrscushion]

I also think you need to call instead of writing her a letter.

I would also consider leaving things as they are and just making sure your BM knows how grateful you are to her and that if you could re-assign roles, that she would be your MOH in a heartbeat. Also, you may wish to give her an extra big gift at the wedding.

 

[fieryred33143]

First off Pearl, I'm really sorry you are going through this crappalozza while planning one of the most important events in your life.

My only problem with the letter is that you say it isn't personal but then go on to say that she hasn't been able to fulfill her obligations. Honestly, whenever a bride chooses a MOH that is OOT, it should be expected that the majority of things you would lilke help with she will not be able to do. You know there is distance between you so you shouldn't have any expectations at all.

I've said it before but an MOH's job is to stand there next to the bride. What makes an MOH awesome is the amount of effort she puts in to make your day special. Brides do not need a shower or a bachelorette party but its awesome when your friends come together and throw it for you anyway. So saying that she has these obligations or that she hasn't met expectations is false IMO. The only way to know if she has met her expectations is to see if she shows up on the day of the wedding and stands next to you. Everything else is just cake.

What I would do, to be honest, is instead *write a letter to the BM that you would like to "promote." I would tell that BM how much you appreciate and value her friendship and tell her that you thank her sincerely for making all of this effort to make your day special. Let her know that you would love for her to stand next to you on the day of the wedding and on that day, make sure she does. Writing the letter to a girl that obviously could care less isn't going to do anything but stress you out even more.

 

[rainwood]

I think Sparkalicious is right. Acknowledge your fabulous BM in some special way, but skip the whole demotion thing. You''ll just upset everyone, including yourself, and you might be short an attendant or two, which is an entirely different problem.

And if you do decide to go ahead, please tell her by phone. Anything else does seem cowardly. And don''t do comparisons or say it''s the right or moral thing to do. That sounds insulting, and makes it seem like a bigger deal than it really is. My MOH was my sister and she didn''t do anything because she lived far away. But I wouldn''t have dreamed of demoting her. Asking someone to be your MOH is an honor, not a requirement that she fulfill a mandatory set of obligations. She''s a friend, not an employee with a job description.

So let it be, and enjoy that you have a local BM who''s been a great help.

 

[onedrop]

First Pearl, I am sorry that the situation has come to the point where you are "demoting" MOHs. It sucks when people you feel are really close don''t come through for you, especially regarding your wedding. I totally understand where you are coming from on this. However, I don''t think a letter is the way the go here. You said yourself that this girl is overreactive and would not take a face-to-face conversation well. Apparently she is going to reactive and will have hurt feelings either way. I think to avoid additional drama and to be at peace during the remaining days leading up to your wedding I would do what Spakalicious suggested and just leave things as is. MOH is pretty much just a title, especially in this case. After the wedding day, the title doesn''t mean much. However you will remember forever the drama that might ensue by "demoting" the current MOHs.

If you are intent on the demotion, then I think a telephone call is the right way to go.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/7/2009 4:22:21 PM
Author: Sparkalicious
Pearl - This is a terrible and frustrating no win situation, however, I''m thinking that email is not the best way to address your concerns. A phone call or some other form of ''in person'' conversation would be in order if you are intent on having this discussion.

This being said, I propose an alternate option because by addressing this situation at all, you might be - unwillingly, albeit - encouraging more drama. My suggestion (not sure if it works for you in this situation or not) is to leave well enough alone, so to speak.

You have graced your MoH''s with this title because of what they mean in your life etc and when push comes to shove, they have disappointed you and are behaving poorly. Your bm, however, has stepped up and really been fantastic. It is what it is. Why don''t you just leave it that way? Nip the drama in the proverbial bud. By addressing this formally and demoting/promoting people, even though it is only a ''title'', inevitably people''s feelings are going to get hurt and something is going to get lost in translation. Who''s going to feel the repercussions of this? Not the MoH''s ... since they will likely be too busy being ''victims'' to your perceived yet untrue bridezillaish antics. It will be you, which, quite frankly, leaves you no better off than where you are right now.

Instead of directing your energy at the MoH''s, why don''t you try to come at it from another angle and praise your bm who has stepped up and let her know that she really deserves the MoH ''title'' as she has been doing such an incredible job and that you are so glad that she is involved and so engaged in your pre-wedding process ... you don''t know what you would do without her, yada yada.

She doesn''t ''need'' to be, in title, anyways, your MoH. She can still complete all the tasks that she wants for you or that you request of her and be there for you as an exemplary BM and take up the slack for the MoH''s. No harm, no foul and no unnecessary energy expended having difficult conversations with seemingly difficult and disengaged people.

As long as you know that you have mentally demoted your MoH''s, then there is less opportunity for disappointment. You''re not expecting anything from them ... instead, you know that you have a BM not a MoH upon which you can rely.

Does this make sense to you?? Do you think it might work? I''m sorry if it''s not clear but I really hate to see you having to waste so much energy only to gain additional heartache on these friends.

My thoughts EXACTLY. It''s not worth the drama, and "demoting" her seems like a great way to add drama to your life. I''d either ask her to skip the wedding entirely (and pay her back for the dress, etc.) or just leave it alone.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ditto to all the ones who said to leave this alone. I think demoting a maid-of-honor has to be one of the worst wedding-related things I have ever heard of. If you want to end the friendship, just end it honestly. Tell her you don''t want her in it at all. But telling someone that you no longer want them to be MOH would be horrible, IMO. I think it would reflect worse on you than the demoted bridesmaids. And if someone sent me the letter or email you wrote in your first post, there is no doubt in my mind that I''d pull out of the wedding altogether.

 

[Haven]

I agree that the whole demotion/promotion business is completely unnecessary. I would find another way to acknowledge your very helpful bridesmaid, and call it a day.

I understand that it''s easy to get caught up in these titles that you have given your friends while you''re in the thick of wedding planning, but in the end you asked them to stand up for you and you had your reasons why you chose each friend to be either a MOH or a bridesmaid. While it sounds like your MOH has behaved very badly, there is still no gracious enough way to demote her to a bridesmaid and still keep your friendship intact. And, if you don''t care about keeping that friendship intact, then why have her stand up in the wedding at all?

These ladies know how much or how little they have helped you. You know how much or how little they have helped you. The role of MOH is really just an honorary title, anyway, and it doesn''t obligate anyone to do a thing for a bride other than to stand by her side on her wedding day. Yes, we have come to expect MOHs to organize parties in our honor, and help out with last-minute details and do crazy things like run all over town for us, but really, that is not the actual job, and it isn''t even the point. The point is that you asked this lady to stand by you in a position of honor as you marry your FI. That''s it.

I''d save myself the hassle and just keep things as they are.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 5/7/2009 8:53:10 PM
Author: Haven
The role of MOH is really just an honorary title. The point is that you asked this lady to stand by you in a position of honor as you marry your FI.

I get what you guys are saying about this, because Maid of Honor IS an honorary title. Which is why I feel strange HONORING these two girls who have done nothing to help and only given me stress and a hard time. And why I feel bad NOT honoring the one girl who has done so much for me.

The two girls I chose to be my MOHs are just the two I''ve known the longest, and the two whom I used to be closest to in high school. I didn''t really feel any closer to them 9 months ago when I asked them than I do now. But I feel SO much closer to this one BM.

I''m tempted to just leave things as they are, as many of you have recommended, but I feel like that''s being cowardly and I feel like it''s the wrong thing to do when it comes to my BM. I feel like she deserves so much for all she''s done for me!

But I do like all of your suggestions of just making a special toast to her, or honoring her in the programs with a thank you, or getting her an extra special attendants gift.

Ugh. Maybe I''m making this out to be more than it is..? I don''t know.

 

[Haven]

Honestly hon, I think you might be making this out to be more of a deal than it really is.

If you're really that close with this bridesmaid, why not take her out to lunch and tell her that you really feel like she is your MOH and you want her to know that all of her help and support has been appreciated.

Let's face it--nobody becomes a bridesmaid or a MOH for public recognition. We do it because we love our friends, and we want to be there for them on their wedding day. I imagine that hearing it from you in a private conversation would be more than enough, and if it's really important to you to publicly acknowledge her, say something in your toast about how much she helped you.