Need opinions on demoting "MOH"s

[havernell]

Put me in the camp who agree with Sparkalicious 100%. Leave the titles as they are but find a special way to let your awesome bridesmaid know how wonderful she is. Titles are just words. But truly expressing to your BM how appreciative you are of all she's done is priceless. Plus, I'm sure your reasonable BM would understand you not being able to demote the others and promote her because of the drama it would cause. Just knowing that, in world with no consequences, you'd do that for her will be enough (kind of like "it's the thought that counts" adage).

I'm really sorry you are going through this, but, don't compound the problem by demoting people from made-up titles. It's just not worth it.

ETA: Whoops, a whole lot more went down in this thread between the time I started writing and when I posted. So, yeah, I echo Haven. Take the BM out to lunch, explain things to her. She'll be honored and that's really what you are going for.

 

[Sparkalicious]

Date: 5/7/2009 9:16:47 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

I get what you guys are saying about this, because Maid of Honor IS an honorary title. Which is why I feel strange HONORING these two girls who have done nothing to help and only given me stress and a hard time. And why I feel bad NOT honoring the one girl who has done so much for me.

The two girls I chose to be my MOHs are just the two I''ve known the longest, and the two whom I used to be closest to in high school. I didn''t really feel any closer to them 9 months ago when I asked them than I do now. But I feel SO much closer to this one BM.

I''m tempted to just leave things as they are, as many of you have recommended, but I feel like that''s being cowardly and I feel like it''s the wrong thing to do when it comes to my BM. I feel like she deserves so much for all she''s done for me!

But I do like all of your suggestions of just making a special toast to her, or honoring her in the programs with a thank you, or getting her an extra special attendants gift.

Ugh. Maybe I''m making this out to be more than it is..? I don''t know.

Yes ... when things become so emotionally torturous and feelings have been hurt, it is easy to overthink everything that pertains to the situation.

Plain and simple, it''s drama. If you don''t want or need it, just drop it. It is not "uncowardly" to incite drama. To avoid unecessary drama is what sometimes takes the most strength, courage and perserverance.

It boils down to semantics.
Regardless of whether or not you bestow your bm with the "title" of MoH and promote her wedding status, so to speak, in spirit she will be your MoH and that is what is most important.
As is the case with most situations, actions speak louder than words. Her actions have spoken volumes. Nothing remains to be said. Your MoH''s have not stood up to the plate. Your BM has. She has filled their MoH role ... if not for her ego purposes alone or her need to be recognized for her personal contribution in a formal, role related capacity - why would it be necessary to change her title?

You ARE honouring your bm already by requesting that she be a part of this most momentous day in your life and by way of expressing your sincere and heartfelt appreciation for her assistance and dedication to your friendship. Whether or not she is named MoH vs BM doesn''t matter.

Just my opinion. I''ve dealt with my own bm drama throughout my wedding planning process and have come to realize that sometimes it is just better to leave well enough alone ... if not for anyone else''s sake but my own.

 

[wyndham]

Hi Pearl,
I''m sorry you''re having such issues with your friend(s) -- it''s never fun to feel like those closest to you have disappointed you.

Regarding the ''MOH demotion'' you''re suggesting, I have to agree with Sparkalicious, Haven, and others who have said that you''ll spare yourself a lot of unnecessary drama if you just make it a mental demotion instead of a real one. I like Haven''s suggestion of taking your great BM out to dinner and thanking her for her help and explaining the situation (if you haven''t already)...she sounds like she''s really tried hard to be a good friend to you, and I''m sure this situation will be no exception. Telling your current MOH that you''d like to demote her will likely cause you a big mess, and frankly you''d spare yourself a lot of excess hassle if you just deal with the situation as-is. If you want, you could even write your wedding program to just say "Bridesmaids" and "Groomsmen", and purposely leave off the MOH/BM titles...I''ve seen that done several times before.

It seems like this has really bothered you, so I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you want to continue a friendship with your MOH in the future. If the answer if yes, I would just do the ''mental'' demotion and forget about talking to her -- nothing positive will come of that conversation, and the lack of MOH effort won''t be relevant after your wedding is over. If this has been a total dealbreaker for you and you''re unwilling to proceed with the friendship in the future, I think you should remove your MOH from the bridal party and pay her back for her wedding-related expenditures to date. Obviously, if you remove her from the bridal party, you do so knowing full well that you won''t be friends with her anymore.

I guess the ultimate question is: after all of the wedding planning/prep/stress is over, do you want to still have this girl as a part of your life? Or are you so hurt by her lack of effort that you won''t ever be able to get over it? If you''re never going to be able to get over it, I''d just remove her from the bridal party altogether and be done with it.

Best of luck!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 5/7/2009 10:52:49 PM
Author: wyndham
Hi Pearl,
I'm sorry you're having such issues with your friend(s) -- it's never fun to feel like those closest to you have disappointed you.

Regarding the 'MOH demotion' you're suggesting, I have to agree with Sparkalicious, Haven, and others who have said that you'll spare yourself a lot of unnecessary drama if you just make it a mental demotion instead of a real one. I like Haven's suggestion of taking your great BM out to dinner and thanking her for her help and explaining the situation (if you haven't already)...she sounds like she's really tried hard to be a good friend to you, and I'm sure this situation will be no exception. Telling your current MOH that you'd like to demote her will likely cause you a big mess, and frankly you'd spare yourself a lot of excess hassle if you just deal with the situation as-is. If you want, you could even write your wedding program to just say 'Bridesmaids' and 'Groomsmen', and purposely leave off the MOH/BM titles...I've seen that done several times before.

It seems like this has really bothered you, so I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you want to continue a friendship with your MOH in the future. If the answer if yes, I would just do the 'mental' demotion and forget about talking to her -- nothing positive will come of that conversation, and the lack of MOH effort won't be relevant after your wedding is over. If this has been a total dealbreaker for you and you're unwilling to proceed with the friendship in the future, I think you should remove your MOH from the bridal party and pay her back for her wedding-related expenditures to date. Obviously, if you remove her from the bridal party, you do so knowing full well that you won't be friends with her anymore.

I guess the ultimate question is: after all of the wedding planning/prep/stress is over, do you want to still have this girl as a part of your life? Or are you so hurt by her lack of effort that you won't ever be able to get over it? If you're never going to be able to get over it, I'd just remove her from the bridal party altogether and be done with it.

Best of luck!

I like that... that's sort of what I was getting at when I posted before about how you might as well have all bridesmaids and no MOH. I do agree that you should let the BM know somehow that you sincerely appreciate everything she's doing. But I also feel it'd be nice to recognize that in some way, like possibly making her a MOH too. But, it's all in the weight you put with the title - and obviously different people view that different ways. I don't think it's a huge deal, and she may not be in it for the public recognition, but it's still a nice thing to give her that recognition if you can. Would it be weird for you to have 3 MOH? Then she can be the one standing actually next to you the day of in the ceremony too.

So, you could do that - just promote the one and have 3 MOH and 1 BM, or just tell everyone that you're just dropping the "titles" and having bridesmaids - I don't think that would hurt feelings so much. If you didn't replace the 2 original MOHs with a new one, there's no "demoting" - it's really just evening the field. You could do that and just tell the girls that you've decided you'd just rather have them all as bridesmaids and not single people out anymore. Just some thoughts - because I can identify with how you feel. It would be "easier" as far as the drama goes to leave everything alone. But I like to give people recognition for the nice things they do, especially when they do it selflessly, expecting no recognition. It's a nice gesture, and I can see that's what you're trying to do here.

I feel ya - drama =

. I don't think I'm going to have a wedding party at all.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/8/2009 11:04:08 AM
Author: luvthemstrawberries

Date: 5/7/2009 10:52:49 PM
Author: wyndham
Hi Pearl,
I''m sorry you''re having such issues with your friend(s) -- it''s never fun to feel like those closest to you have disappointed you.

Regarding the ''MOH demotion'' you''re suggesting, I have to agree with Sparkalicious, Haven, and others who have said that you''ll spare yourself a lot of unnecessary drama if you just make it a mental demotion instead of a real one. I like Haven''s suggestion of taking your great BM out to dinner and thanking her for her help and explaining the situation (if you haven''t already)...she sounds like she''s really tried hard to be a good friend to you, and I''m sure this situation will be no exception. Telling your current MOH that you''d like to demote her will likely cause you a big mess, and frankly you''d spare yourself a lot of excess hassle if you just deal with the situation as-is. If you want, you could even write your wedding program to just say ''Bridesmaids'' and ''Groomsmen'', and purposely leave off the MOH/BM titles...I''ve seen that done several times before.

It seems like this has really bothered you, so I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you want to continue a friendship with your MOH in the future. If the answer if yes, I would just do the ''mental'' demotion and forget about talking to her -- nothing positive will come of that conversation, and the lack of MOH effort won''t be relevant after your wedding is over. If this has been a total dealbreaker for you and you''re unwilling to proceed with the friendship in the future, I think you should remove your MOH from the bridal party and pay her back for her wedding-related expenditures to date. Obviously, if you remove her from the bridal party, you do so knowing full well that you won''t be friends with her anymore.

I guess the ultimate question is: after all of the wedding planning/prep/stress is over, do you want to still have this girl as a part of your life? Or are you so hurt by her lack of effort that you won''t ever be able to get over it? If you''re never going to be able to get over it, I''d just remove her from the bridal party altogether and be done with it.

Best of luck!

I like that... that''s sort of what I was getting at when I posted before about how you might as well have all bridesmaids and no MOH. I do agree that you should let the BM know somehow that you sincerely appreciate everything she''s doing. But I also feel it''d be nice to recognize that in some way, like possibly making her a MOH too. But, it''s all in the weight you put with the title - and obviously different people view that different ways. I don''t think it''s a huge deal, and she may not be in it for the public recognition, but it''s still a nice thing to give her that recognition if you can. Would it be weird for you to have 3 MOH? Then she can be the one standing actually next to you the day of in the ceremony too.

So, you could do that - just promote the one and have 3 MOH and 1 BM, or just tell everyone that you''re just dropping the ''titles'' and having bridesmaids - I don''t think that would hurt feelings so much. If you didn''t replace the 2 original MOHs with a new one, there''s no ''demoting'' - it''s really just evening the field. You could do that and just tell the girls that you''ve decided you''d just rather have them all as bridesmaids and not single people out anymore. Just some thoughts - because I can identify with how you feel. It would be ''easier'' as far as the drama goes to leave everything alone. But I like to give people recognition for the nice things they do, especially when they do it selflessly, expecting no recognition. It''s a nice gesture, and I can see that''s what you''re trying to do here.

I feel ya - drama =

. I don''t think I''m going to have a wedding party at all.

Actually THAT IS A FANTASTIC IDEA! Really removes any additional unneccessary drama or confrontation.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Hmmm... So... I''m in the camp of "letting it be" or else calling all of them Bridesmaids or all of them MOHs.

I don''t really thing MOHs should have duties- mine aren''t doing anything for me besides standing at the altar. I know we all differ on how much we want or expect BMs and MOHs to be involved, but I have never gone to a wedding, looked at a MOH and thought, "That''s the right-hand gal. She planned all the parties. She helped make all the favors. She''s the BEST gosh-darn friend a bride could have."

I think the BEST way, then, to recognize your BM that put in lots of effort, is with a special (but not catty towards the other ladies) note in your program, or a toast in her honor, etc.

 

[FrekeChild]

Question: How exactly are the MoHs going to be honored anyway? Just a mention in a program? Or?