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Need some Advice :(
- Thread starter aggal06
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beltane
Shiny_Rock
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You are clearly in pain from feeling betrayed by the one you love. That is such a horrible thing to live through. Unfortunately you aren''t the first woman, and you won''t be the last woman to go through this.
The author Maya Angelou said a very wise thing: "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Now is the time for you to do some introspection and decide what you want for yourself and your life. To decide what you DESERVE in your life. Perhaps it might be a good idea to separate from him for a while so you can clear your head and think on your own about your own life and what you want for it.
PumpkinPie
Ideal_Rock
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iota15
Brilliant_Rock
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So where does this leave you now? He''s said a whole bunch of times that he would marry you if such and such happened.... then, when you managed to complete the feat, he sets another hurdle. Finally, there seems to be no further hurdles to set... and out comes the unfortunate truth, one he''s hidden from you all these years - He''s not ready and at this stage, he probably will never be ready to marry you.
I''m basing this only on what you''ve written. He might have meant to marry you at the very beginning. After that, his methods to "shut you up" meant telling you there was another goalpost. Putting aside the fact boyfriend lied for a second - what I find more detrimental is the fact that every time boyfriend said, "let''s get married after you (fill in the blank)" - he''s really saying "I know I don''t want to marry you now".
In some ways, boyfriend was not lying - he really was emotionally feeling what he said to you at the time. Unfortunately, the feeling was not "I want to marry you" (what you heard), it''s "Ack! I''m not ready to marry you now".
Given your history, he''s said, "I know I don''t want to marry you now" quite a few times already. Is there anything about you that''s so dramatically different or novel that''s likely to compel him to marry the woman you are now, compared to the girl you were three, five or even six years ago.
After five years of cohabitation, he likely has a pretty good understanding of what your relationship would look like if you were married. In all that time, he was essentially saying to you - despite all the cohabitation bliss that we have, I am not going to marry you based on what I know now and what I see now.
He also pushes the timelines either to a) to see if things are miraculously different a few years from now when the same two people stay together in what is essentially the same situation (but with new job or masters degree); and b) to keep status quo - to maintain his lack of inertia for change and to buy him time to keep things the same or to see if something in him or you changes.
Know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are just going to have explore what I think is a serious possibility that this particular person, the person you call your boyfriend currently, does Not want to marry you.
He''s sensitive because status quo has been disturbed. He realizes now that he''s essentially confessed that he does not want to marry you and has no plans to do so. You are probably wrestling with this in your heart now. Don''t let yourself or him sugar coat it any other way.
There''s no need for an ultimatum or trying to force him to make plans now. You spoke to him after his confession and from what I read, he continues to have no concrete plans to marry you. What I see is a man at his ropes - he''s run out of excuses. He wants to keep you around, I''m sure of that... but he doesn''t want to marry you - and you''re going to have to decide whether that''s the kind of relationship you want to be in - with a man who''s not sure of you, despite living with you and being with you for seven years.
Indylady
Ideal_Rock
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iota15
Brilliant_Rock
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Aggal,
I just re-read my post and it's pretty harsh. I'm sorry and I hope this doesn't scare you off this thread.
In relationships and marriage, it's about connections. You have to feel and want that connection from your BF to begin to have a marriage, and your BF has to feel the same way too. If your BF in fact does not want to marry (but just live together, for however long), I want to emphasize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's just perhaps some slight mis-connect from his standpoint.
You did nothing wrong and you can only be who you are - not an everchanging person trying to live up to someone else's standards or trying to become someone with whom he would feel that connection with. Unfortunately, you can't force readiness or the connection that makes people want to marry or commit for life.
I don't know why he may not feel that connection (and you sound like a bright, young, articulate woman to me - so perhaps it is just boneheaded-ness on his part) but whatever it is, it is not your fault. You are who you are, and you should be proud of what you've accomplished and I hope you find someone, (and perhaps this BF is it), that wants to connect to you and who you are, as much as you want to connect with them.
It's better to find out now if there is a misconnect. If so, the years with this BF were not wasted - you grew and I'm sure there were plenty of beautiful moments and learning experiences for both. This was part of your journey and you're still young.
But if you want someone committed to you and your lives together, it would be a waste to spend more time with him if you know there's a misconnect. Mourn the loss of this BF and the life you've built, and go find someone who feels that connection to you to build the rest of your life with.
I just re-read my post and it's pretty harsh. I'm sorry and I hope this doesn't scare you off this thread.
In relationships and marriage, it's about connections. You have to feel and want that connection from your BF to begin to have a marriage, and your BF has to feel the same way too. If your BF in fact does not want to marry (but just live together, for however long), I want to emphasize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's just perhaps some slight mis-connect from his standpoint.
You did nothing wrong and you can only be who you are - not an everchanging person trying to live up to someone else's standards or trying to become someone with whom he would feel that connection with. Unfortunately, you can't force readiness or the connection that makes people want to marry or commit for life.
I don't know why he may not feel that connection (and you sound like a bright, young, articulate woman to me - so perhaps it is just boneheaded-ness on his part) but whatever it is, it is not your fault. You are who you are, and you should be proud of what you've accomplished and I hope you find someone, (and perhaps this BF is it), that wants to connect to you and who you are, as much as you want to connect with them.
It's better to find out now if there is a misconnect. If so, the years with this BF were not wasted - you grew and I'm sure there were plenty of beautiful moments and learning experiences for both. This was part of your journey and you're still young.
But if you want someone committed to you and your lives together, it would be a waste to spend more time with him if you know there's a misconnect. Mourn the loss of this BF and the life you've built, and go find someone who feels that connection to you to build the rest of your life with.
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I''m not really a "responder" but I just had to respond to this. I had a very similar situation to you with a guy I had been with for 6 and half years. Long story short (and a torturous "what the hell is wrong with me" 6 and a half years) I woke up one day and thought to myself, "WHY am I waiting for him to get his act together?" Why do I want to be with someone who is just wasting my time? I finally figured out, after a long weekend away with myself and my thoughts, that I was totally terrified of not staying with him because I had spent SOOO much time with him and waited SOOO long and wasted SOOO much time. When I finally figured that out I talked to him frankly and told him straight up and said "I DO deserve better than this, and I WON''T sit around waiting for you anymore." The lies to "shut me up" were constant and the time I wasted in my life on him will never be recovered, but I luckily listend to a dear friend who said, why sit around wait and then settle? She was right. I feel like your situation is spot on to what I expereinced. I know the feeling of being sick to your stomach thinking something must be wrong with you. I know what it feels like to e terrified to leave the person you have been with and invested so much precious time in. But TRUST me, you are sooo much better off on your own. You will feel like weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you are free when you finally let go of your toxic relationship. I really feel for you right now, and I wish you didn''t have to go through this. I''m sorry if this isn''t what you wanted to hear, I am just speaking lady to lady about an experience I would never wish on my worst enemy. Be brave, and know that we the PSer''s are always here to lend a kind word or advice if you need it. I am now officially done with my rant. Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you.
Laura
Laura
PumpkinPie
Ideal_Rock
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16ocean
Brilliant_Rock
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Aggal..I''m sorry you are dealing with this. I feel like we all encounter one of these jerks in our lives!
I dated a guy before I met FI for about 5 years. He had always told me he wanted to marry me, but there were always conditions on it, when we graduate, when we get our own place, when you move to my area etc. Out of the blue he broke up with me, I honestly thought I was going to die. I was 20 years old and had basically spent all of what my "adult" life or what there was of it with this big ol'' jerk...what was I going to do? I had invested so much time, etc.
I''ll tell you what I did. I made him regret that everyday for the rest of his life. We graduated, I got a really good job, I''m doing really well for myself, I''m getting married, I got back in shape, I bought a house. And him? HAH! he still has no job, has a pretty ugly girlfriend(may sound catty, but hey he''s a jerk and shes no peach!) who has nothing going for her, and he lives with mommy and daddy. Not something a 27 year old should be proud of. he sends me pictures of my dog(which he stole) from time to time and asks me where he went wrong...I used to entertain the question with, UH YOU BROKE UP WITH ME! but now I dont even respond, I just get a laugh
I look back on it as the hardest time of my life, but am so much happier without him and how well I do for myself and how happy I am with FI.
I''m not 100% he lied, but it was more of him sounding very immature...I think you need to just come out and ask him what he wants. You deserve that after all of these years.
You sound like a very strong, intelligent person who can do anything she puts her mind too. If he''s too stupid to realize that well then, you have your answer!
I dated a guy before I met FI for about 5 years. He had always told me he wanted to marry me, but there were always conditions on it, when we graduate, when we get our own place, when you move to my area etc. Out of the blue he broke up with me, I honestly thought I was going to die. I was 20 years old and had basically spent all of what my "adult" life or what there was of it with this big ol'' jerk...what was I going to do? I had invested so much time, etc.
I''ll tell you what I did. I made him regret that everyday for the rest of his life. We graduated, I got a really good job, I''m doing really well for myself, I''m getting married, I got back in shape, I bought a house. And him? HAH! he still has no job, has a pretty ugly girlfriend(may sound catty, but hey he''s a jerk and shes no peach!) who has nothing going for her, and he lives with mommy and daddy. Not something a 27 year old should be proud of. he sends me pictures of my dog(which he stole) from time to time and asks me where he went wrong...I used to entertain the question with, UH YOU BROKE UP WITH ME! but now I dont even respond, I just get a laugh
I look back on it as the hardest time of my life, but am so much happier without him and how well I do for myself and how happy I am with FI.
I''m not 100% he lied, but it was more of him sounding very immature...I think you need to just come out and ask him what he wants. You deserve that after all of these years.
You sound like a very strong, intelligent person who can do anything she puts her mind too. If he''s too stupid to realize that well then, you have your answer!
Italiahaircolor
Ideal_Rock
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Girl...you need to run, not walk, away from this loser d-bag.
He has done nothing more than waste your time, and in the process of that (as if that wasn't bad enough alone!) he thought so little of you that he had no problem lying to your face. This doesn't make him worthy of you or your time or your understanding...and you need to kick him to curb right quick, put his sorry-self out with the rest of the trash.
Relationships are only as good as the people who are in them. Clearly you were manipulated and strung along for a very long time, you should be so angry and so hurt and from those emotions you need grow strong. I know this is the worst kind of lesson...the kind that when learning it causes you pain...but there is life after this, and it's wonderful and it's worth saying "enough is enough" to get there.
If I were you, I would this loser (in no uncertain terms) that you're sorry he wasn't man enough to "own up" to his feelings...that you feel sorry because he was either too scared or too weak to "man up"...but mostly your sorry because he's going to miss out on one fan-freaking-tastic catch. Outside of that, there isn't much more to be said. You get to go on and lead a fab life, and he gets to miss you for the rest of his.
And as far as his backtracking is concerned...that's all it is. Liars are liars are liars. They weave this web and when they think you're going to slip out, they wrap you up tighter. Don't be a fool. People are the most honest when their backs are up against the wall...when he told her he didn't want marriage, that was your first and true glimpse of who he is and what he's thinking...when he said he was "confused" and "sorry" he's not.
He has done nothing more than waste your time, and in the process of that (as if that wasn't bad enough alone!) he thought so little of you that he had no problem lying to your face. This doesn't make him worthy of you or your time or your understanding...and you need to kick him to curb right quick, put his sorry-self out with the rest of the trash.
Relationships are only as good as the people who are in them. Clearly you were manipulated and strung along for a very long time, you should be so angry and so hurt and from those emotions you need grow strong. I know this is the worst kind of lesson...the kind that when learning it causes you pain...but there is life after this, and it's wonderful and it's worth saying "enough is enough" to get there.
If I were you, I would this loser (in no uncertain terms) that you're sorry he wasn't man enough to "own up" to his feelings...that you feel sorry because he was either too scared or too weak to "man up"...but mostly your sorry because he's going to miss out on one fan-freaking-tastic catch. Outside of that, there isn't much more to be said. You get to go on and lead a fab life, and he gets to miss you for the rest of his.
And as far as his backtracking is concerned...that's all it is. Liars are liars are liars. They weave this web and when they think you're going to slip out, they wrap you up tighter. Don't be a fool. People are the most honest when their backs are up against the wall...when he told her he didn't want marriage, that was your first and true glimpse of who he is and what he's thinking...when he said he was "confused" and "sorry" he's not.
anchor31
Ideal_Rock
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He lied to you, again, and again, and again, just so you wouldn''t leave him. He finally told you the truth when you confronted him (once you finally reached all his goals) and he told you he had lied. Now that he sees that he might lose you, he''s starting to lie again...
I''m so sorry... Don''t waste another minute with a man who will lie to you for 7 years just to keep you around.
I''m so sorry... Don''t waste another minute with a man who will lie to you for 7 years just to keep you around.
kittybean
Ideal_Rock
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While I agree with other posters that you should dump his sorry behind ASAP, I''m inclined to believe that you''re not quite ready to take this step yet. It seems like you might need some time to let this sink in and gather more information before you make a decision.
You didn''t mention whether he is still saying he wants to marry you. Does he still want to marry you? Is he even saying that at this point? Is he being truthful? I think you need to clarify that with him, and give him the opportunity to be honest with you. If he''s not up front with you, try your best to read what he is really saying. If you want marriage and he doesn''t, this relationship needs to end--the sooner, the better. It is absolutely not worth your time.
You didn''t mention whether he is still saying he wants to marry you. Does he still want to marry you? Is he even saying that at this point? Is he being truthful? I think you need to clarify that with him, and give him the opportunity to be honest with you. If he''s not up front with you, try your best to read what he is really saying. If you want marriage and he doesn''t, this relationship needs to end--the sooner, the better. It is absolutely not worth your time.
dawnabee
Shiny_Rock
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Aggal-- I would run sooo far and sooo fast away from this guy but maybe thats me!! he is definately not a keeper and do NOT blame yourself in anyway shape or form for all the b.s. he has made you believe. he is simply a coward and good at manipulating your emotions. i know you have been together for a long time so im sorry i am bashing your guy bc you must care for him very deeply but love shouldnt hurt your pride or knock you down like this.what you need to do now is reflect back on all your time with him and remember anything good or bad thats happened (now that you see his true form) and just write it down... it seems like a recurring pattern these white lies he tells you to get you stay with him... when you are finished you will know what you have to do i hope.
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