Need some advice.

[E B]

This might sound silly, but I need some advice. I promise to try to keep it short and sweet.

It seems that everywhere I look, I see cheating. I can't seem to watch a TV show lately without it addressing cheating in some way. My two favorite TV shows of all time, Sex and the City and Six Feet Under revolve around cheating! Movies are the same, some showing cheating in a "funny" way. Hell, Lifetime for women is a channel dedicated to movies about horrible relationships. Celebrities cheat left and right and make news daily because of it.

I've recently gone back to school (after taking a year off) and the only real friend I've made thus far has told me, in the past two weeks, that she's slept with two men, both in relationships (one with a pregnant wife!). She said she felt guilty about them both, but eating lunch one day, I overheard her laughing and baby-talking to the first dirtbag. I couldn't believe it. I'd want so badly to distance myself from her, but there's no use...she's in all of my classes.

I feel like I'm suffocating. Everywhere I turn, there it is, and I'm afraid it's going to seriously affect my relationship. I've officially become paranoid, and I feel there's nothing I can do. FI is my soul-mate, and I'm positive he'd never cheat on me, but I feel I'm being weakened subconciously because of everything going on around me. If it's not this, it's that. I feel like I'm living in a world where it's inevitable that I'll have my heart broken. It seems to be happening to everyone else.

Yes, there are some deeper issues I'm dealing with as well. My parents were divorced when I was 3. The next woman my father married cheated on him and became pregnant...my father had undergone a vasectomy when they were first married. I was not too recently (ETA: Over 3 years ago) with a guy who had been cheating on his girlfriend but had told me they were "taking a break", when in reality, they weren't.

Anyhoo...the point of this rant. This morning, FI called to tell me the apartment we really, really want is ours. I was so excited! He was supposed to be at work, but I heard music behind him. I asked him where he was, and he said he was out buying a card and flowers for a friend of ours (who's recently been hospitalized)...with Laura. Only they weren't buying flowers and a card, they were at a clothing store (Laura wanted to get our friend a shirt). A little backstory on Laura: Laura is his coworker who used to sit in the desk next to him. Apparently, she's very interested in he and I and always asks about us. I'm not a big fan of hers because though she supposedly always asks about me, whenever I actually see her, she ignores me. At the last company function, she said she was sorry, but she forgot my name.

A bit rude, if you ask me.

Blah, blah, blah, I got a little upset for no reason, and we had a small fight. I have no reason to ever suspect him (and I usually don't), but recently, I feel like I'm being influenced negatively by everything around me.

Wow, this wasn't short or sweet. I guess I just needed to tell someone how I was feeling. I'd love some advice. Am I the only one that feels like this? Is my feeling this way normal? I don't want to feel like I'm trapped.

 

[Miranda]

You aren''t alone. A couple of years ago my good friends husband cheated on her while she was 5 mos. pregnant and ON BED REST!!! He met a 21 yr. old (he was 33 at the time) and off they went. It really has shaken my belief system. The situation really made me scrutanize my own relationship. DH finally had to say, "I''m not the cheater (blank) is." I don''t think you realize how profoundly someone else''s situation can impact your life.

DH also had a coworker, several years and several companies ago, that seemed a bit smitten with my sweetie. He had no idea, but, once I pointed it out he gave her the cold shoulder and that was that. When I read about your FI''s coworker it reminded me so much of her. Once we were at a work related event she came over and stood right between us with her back to me. RUDE! And obviouslly desperate. She had a horrible DH and she clearly needed attention...She wasn''t gonna get it from MY husband. I think the bottom line is to watch your back girl! Always. Not to a paranoid point, but, protecting your marriage is #1. It''s sad, but, cheating is everywhere and I wonder if it is becoming more and more socially acceptable.

 

[E B]

Date: 4/26/2006 6:58:30 PM
Author: Miranda
I think the bottom line is to watch your back girl! Always. Not to a paranoid point, but, protecting your marriage is #1. It''s sad, but, cheating is everywhere and I wonder if it is becoming more and more socially acceptable.

Thank you, Miranda. It''s always nervewracking spilling your business onto an online forum, and I really appreciate all that you had to say. As for the above, it has to have become more socially acceptable, which is terrifying. Why else is the divorce rate so incredibly high?

 

[Dancing Fire]

i think women cheat more than men,but they don''t admit it.

 

[princessv]

Ebree: I completely and totally agree with your post. I feel like I''m surrounded by cheaters and come to think of it I am. My best friend (we''ve drifted a bit in the past year since she started this) is leading a ''double life.'' She has a guy who is now located in England and he thinks that she is going to move at the end of the summer. She has another guy that she is dating that is local. Things are rocky in that relationship and she always calls to complain. As much as I love her, I''m tired of listening to it and I''ve told her numerous times she needs to make a decision (this has been going on for over a year). My fiance calls her toxic and has outright told me I shouldn''t be friends with her and that led into a fight.

Almost everyone of my close friends has cheated right before or right after they got engaged. It makes me feel weird about it all. I''ve actually voiced this concern to my guy and sometimes when we get into a fight, he''ll remind me he''s not everyone else or my ex (who cheated numerous times). I do trust him actually, I don''t think he''d cheat the problem more or less with us is that sometimes I feel that I care more about us than he does. I guess, just like you I''m terrified that I''m going to get my heartbroken again.

Anyway, watch that coworker, make yourself more known around his office..is there anyway you can stop by for lunch once in awhile? I think the more that she sees how involved you are in his life, she might think twice about trying to flirt with a guy who is so involved in his relationship.

I also think intuition is very strong if you feel something is wrong or amiss, keep a close eye on it.

 

[FireGoddess]

Gosh, reading your story, I can completely understand why you reacted the way you did. I actually don't know anyone who has cheated on their sig other, but just reading about it happening everywhere is enough to turn my stomach, so if I were surrounded by it, it would be a little hard to dismiss it.

In your case I think you should just mention this to your fiance - how Laura puts you at unease because of x,y,z. And how this cheating everywhere around you is freaking you out as well. It's not a 'don't interact with her' kind of thing, but more making him aware that certain things, regardless of you trusting him, are worrisome to you. I feel like sure, you can trust your sig other, but the fact is, most partners don't go out with the INTENTION to cheat - it's something that ends up happening. And you want to diminish the odds of that occurring.

By the sounds of it, Laura *seems* interested in your relationship as a whole, but her *actions* as you've described them suggest she's more interested in your fiance. He may not be aware of this. But girl, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

 

[E B]

Thank you all, so much. I knew I couldn't be alone...it's just so scary sometimes. FI and I are still fighting about it. He says I'm overreacting but that he's sorry. I've just had this heavy feeling all day.

Blech. It's going to be a crappy night. Plus, I have a mid-term tomorrow.

 

[Mara]

okay ebree, take a deep breath and calm down.

from what you wrote, it sounds like you are projecting your own fears and insecurities onto him. you have a history with this kind of abuse (cheating) in it, your parents, etc ... you are totally freaking out about what *could* happen. that is okay...no biggie. but you can't project your own feelings onto him and make something innocent (and i do think it's innocent on HIS part) into something it's not.

this may sound really odd, but i know that the possibility for cheating is out there. i feel like anyone and everyone could cheat. it's possible. bottom line is you are not guaranteed happiness with this man you love. one of many things could go wrong. cheating could be one of them. but do you have faith and believe in your relationship and this guy?

i know that the possibility of greg cheating on me is there. i mean just like it is vice versa i guess. but i don't think he's that type of person. sure he could make a mistake or slip up or who knows what. and if that happens, i guess we'll deal with it. but what can i do to actually prevent it? nothing. you see stereotypical stories all around you all the time. 'i gave him everything and he still left me' is the most prevalent. i firmly believe if something like that is going to happen, it will. or it won't if it won't happen.

confused yet? i kind of am but my basic point is that the possbility for many negatives are around you and this is just one you are choosing to focus on based on your past history, what you see around you (and you are subconsciously picking it out of things around you whether or not you realize it) and also this scenario with this girl. you are freaking out because you are going to tie your life to this man. that's really scary! you are putting your heart in his hands officially and saying 'don't crush it'. having that kind of faith is frightening, especially when people in our world seem so horrid sometimes. but trust your gut, your inner heart and don't get caught up in insecurities or what ifs. you will be eaten alive.

lastly, i dont think it was inappropriate for him to tell you he was out with this girl buying a card and flowers when he was at the clothing shop. guys do not think like paranoid chicks do. that is just a plain fact. if they went at any point together to get the card and flowers then it was a valid reason for him to say that in his mind. do i trust this other girl laura? NO. she sounds sketchy. but do you trust your man? that's really all that matters. i don't believe in the whole 'well i don't trust the other person'. it's about trusting the person you trusted your heart to. i would tell him that you feel like laura can't be trusted, he may or may not agree. but tell him to be careful and it will stick with him even if he doesn't agree. men do listen even if they scoff. but trust that he loves you and would not betray you.

good luck!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

It is a concern to me that morals are totally relative today. There is no right and wrong, apparently. It has resulted in a high rate of teen pregnancy, abortion, divorce, and HIV and other diseases..not to mention great heartache. I''m sure I am old fashioned by today''s standards, but I am thankful to have been faithfully married to the same person for 29 years. But yes, watch your back. Even a nice faithful guy can be lured into a dangerous situation, and guys wouldn''t necessarily see it coming. I do think we have to protect and preserve our marriages. And I try to avoid some of the garbage on TV by coming here instead!

 

[bstraszheim]

Hey Ebree,

I remember very clearly the first time my (now) husband and I talked about cheating and he put it so well that I repeat it when the subject comes up with anyone else. Someone who cheats is clearly not interested in the relationship they are in.

My parents divorced when I was 6 and I firmly believe it is because my mother was screwing someone, other than my father. I know that their marriage was a difficult one, but I don''t think that I can every forgive it. I can understand that people fall out of love, that things happen, but there is *such* a huge difference between saying to someone, I don''t love you, I want a divorce, then establishing a relationship once the divorce is over, rather than I''m not in love with you and rather than face that and deal with it, divorce or counseling, I''ve decided to screw around behind your back.

I had a friend who had a very long relationship with a guy at work and they had a system. Her husband worked late very often, if the light was on on the porch, the boyfriend was to come on in. If the light was off, he had to go home to his wife and kids. I had such an issue with it. They were both married with kids. The final straw was when she uttered these words about her son, Daniel "I am so relieved when he grows to look more and more like James (her husband) every day." The understood implication was that it may not even be her husband''s baby. I ended the relationship.

You have to know your FI, it definitely should be something that you discuss before marriage. If it takes an assurance from him, it may be worth getting for your peace of mind.

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/26/2006 8:27:32 PM
Author: Mara
okay ebree, take a deep breath and calm down.

i feel like anyone and everyone could cheat.

This is the one area that my friends and I disagree...they think their men will NEVER cheat on them, and that they will never cheat. I agree strongly with Mara. Everyone and anyone COULD cheat.

Doesn''t mean they will. I am not a gloom and doom kind of person, but one of the wisest things I''ve heard anyone say was a guy who said he lives his life as if he could cheat. He was very conscientious not to get into situations where he could be tempted, and not just simple things like going into strip bars. He was friendly with everyone, but made sure he didn''t get too friendly with women, especially confiding or talking about his girlfriend to other women. Attraction sparks from strange circumstances sometimes...but it routinely sparks from intimacy.

I am in sales and I travel a lot. I just came back today from a conference in Vegas. There are cheaters EVERYWHERE in my industry. My boyfriend trusts me, but I make sure to go out with a group, to not drink too much, to get back at a decent hour and give my man a call. He says I don''t have to, but I know he appreciates it. He does the same for me, and makes that extra effort to be proactive in avoiding potentially dangerous situations.

My point, in a round about way is that for us, it helped to acknowledge cheating is possible, that we would never want to cheat on each other, so we''d better live our lives doing the best to prevent it from every happening. I''m not going to lose sleep over it. Trust is important, and I believe in self fulfilling prophesies, so I do my best to think positive (I''m normally pretty happy go lucky anyway).

Take heart and trust in your love with a clear head.

 

[Mara]

TG that''s basically what I meant as well...I think by admitting that everyone COULD cheat then you at least are open to discussions on what coulda woulda shoulda etc and it makes you and your mate view potential situations as less harmless as they may have been if you or your mate firmly believed NO WAY would they EVER cheat. I know alot of people who are totally sure their mate would NEVER cheat on them. Which I hope is the case. But I think by admitting that people make mistakes and people make stupid decisions then you at least are prepared for more situations and scenarios than if you wear blinders and are totally oblivious to what could turn into something bad. I also think it''s important to discuss repurcussions, and what is acceptable for you in a relationship etc.

 

[TravelingGal]

Very true Mara. We have discussed repercussions as well, and we both know that he would lose the wonderful goddess/best thing that ever happened to him.

I couldn''t handle it if he cheated. I know people make mistakes, but I would feel so totally disrespected. More than feeling cherished, I really need to feel respected. Likewise, I think it''s very important for my BF to get those feelings from me. I am not sure I could get over it, and i really think it''s great when people actually manage to make it work after something like that.

So we know cheating is off limits. My boyfriend loves motorcycles, but here in L.A. drivers routinely don''t see them and cause accidents. I know he is a good cyclist, but I don''t trust the other numbskull drivers around him. Basically, that''s the way I feel about cheating...I do trust him, just not the hoochie mamas around him.

And unfortunately, people are fallible.

 

[princessv]

Date: 4/26/2006 9:27:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I do trust him, just not the hoochie mamas around him.

LOL I laughed so hard I snorted when I read that!

 

[tawn]

I have friends who are 100% postive that their husbands would never cheat! I know that some of them have...and I''m not as naive to think that it could never happen in my relationship. Neither of us is super jealous, but we have "rules of conduct" that we''ve learned over the years.

Unfortunately, worrying never stops the inevitable from happening...

I also concur with the others about making sure you never allow yourself to be in a position to be tempted. My husband won''t even go into a buddy''s house if his wife/girlfriend is there alone ,he''ll wait outside. He has very strict rules of conduct about those things and has dropped friends that have cheated with other guy''s wives.

To set your mind at ease, there was a study and it was on MSN that stated only 5-7% of married people have cheated within the last year.

You have to trust him, but let him know how you feel...fighting about it is useless!

 

[dani13]

Date: 4/26/2006 9:13:34 PM
Author: Mara
TG that's basically what I meant as well...I think by admitting that everyone COULD cheat then you at least are open to discussions on what coulda woulda shoulda etc and it makes you and your mate view potential situations as less harmless as they may have been if you or your mate firmly believed NO WAY would they EVER cheat. I know alot of people who are totally sure their mate would NEVER cheat on them. Which I hope is the case. But I think by admitting that people make mistakes and people make stupid decisions then you at least are prepared for more situations and scenarios than if you wear blinders and are totally oblivious to what could turn into something bad. I also think it's important to discuss repurcussions, and what is acceptable for you in a relationship etc.

Mara, you are so right, I agree with you 100%. The truth is is that anyone can cheat, anytime. There are so many reasons why people cheat, and men's reasons are usually different than women's reasons. Relationships take work, and many need to realize that there will be ups and downs, and the solution is not to run to someone else to make you feel better, which would only be a short term remedy anyway.

About the Laura thing, I can totally understand that. Brian (my FI) has a friend Lisa who he works with who admitted to him a few years ago at a after work happy hour (before we were together) that she totally was into him. He turned down her advances, it got all weird for a little while, and then they became friends again. Fast foward a few years, now him and I are together, and sometimes she will call, or she will come to talk to him at lunch when he is talking to me on the phone. Does it make me uncomfortable? Hell yeah! But what am I going to do?

The bottom line is that you have to trust your FI. I know you worry a lot too b/c of insecurity issues within yourself- they have a lot to do with it, and that is how I am too. Its hard, I know, but please dont let others bring you down and doubt anything in your own relationship....

 

[hlmr]

Date: 4/26/2006 6:28:15 PM
Author:EBree
This might sound silly, but I need some advice. I promise to try to keep it short and sweet.

It seems that everywhere I look, I see cheating. I can''t seem to watch a TV show lately without it addressing cheating in some way. My two favorite TV shows of all time, Sex and the City and Six Feet Under revolve around cheating! Movies are the same, some showing cheating in a ''funny'' way. Hell, Lifetime for women is a channel dedicated to movies about horrible relationships. Celebrities cheat left and right and make news daily because of it.

I''ve recently gone back to school (after taking a year off) and the only real friend I''ve made thus far has told me, in the past two weeks, that she''s slept with two men, both in relationships (one with a pregnant wife!). She said she felt guilty about them both, but eating lunch one day, I overheard her laughing and baby-talking to the first dirtbag. I couldn''t believe it. I''d want so badly to distance myself from her, but there''s no use...she''s in all of my classes.

I feel like I''m suffocating. Everywhere I turn, there it is, and I''m afraid it''s going to seriously affect my relationship. I''ve officially become paranoid, and I feel there''s nothing I can do. FI is my soul-mate, and I''m positive he''d never cheat on me, but I feel I''m being weakened subconciously because of everything going on around me. If it''s not this, it''s that. I feel like I''m living in a world where it''s inevitable that I''ll have my heart broken. It seems to be happening to everyone else.

Yes, there are some deeper issues I''m dealing with as well. My parents were divorced when I was 3. The next woman my father married cheated on him and became pregnant...my father had undergone a vasectomy when they were first married. I was not too recently (ETA: Over 3 years ago) with a guy who had been cheating on his girlfriend but had told me they were ''taking a break'', when in reality, they weren''t.

Anyhoo...the point of this rant. This morning, FI called to tell me the apartment we really, really want is ours. I was so excited! He was supposed to be at work, but I heard music behind him. I asked him where he was, and he said he was out buying a card and flowers for a friend of ours (who''s recently been hospitalized)...with Laura. Only they weren''t buying flowers and a card, they were at a clothing store (Laura wanted to get our friend a shirt). A little backstory on Laura: Laura is his coworker who used to sit in the desk next to him. Apparently, she''s very interested in he and I and always asks about us. I''m not a big fan of hers because though she supposedly always asks about me, whenever I actually see her, she ignores me. At the last company function, she said she was sorry, but she forgot my name.

A bit rude, if you ask me.

Blah, blah, blah, I got a little upset for no reason, and we had a small fight. I have no reason to ever suspect him (and I usually don''t), but recently, I feel like I''m being influenced negatively by everything around me.

Wow, this wasn''t short or sweet. I guess I just needed to tell someone how I was feeling. I''d love some advice. Am I the only one that feels like this? Is my feeling this way normal? I don''t want to feel like I''m trapped.

Hi EBree:

Sorry to hear you are feeling upset. I just wanted to add to all the great advice you have received thus far by pointing out the above. Your FI called you because he was excited to tell you the apartment you both really wanted was yours. He was physically with this Laura waiting for her to buy the friend''s shirt, but his thoughts were with you and your future together. Hope this makes you feel a little bit better.

Heather

 

[E B]

I cannot thank you all enough for your advice. Yes, I am casting my insecurities onto him, and it isn''t fair (and it''s something I''ll absolutely work on). Today, he came home with a bouquet of white tulips and told me he didn''t mean to make me feel bad, which made me feel terrible. Today''s supposed to be a great day...we got our apartment!

He''s such a sweet person and we''re so lucky to have found each other. Sometimes, I may feel a little worried every now and then, but that''s normal. Like my professor says, some stress is good; if we didn''t stress about anything, we wouldn''t know to save ourselves from potentially dangerous situations.

Again, thank you everyone. *insert hug icon here*

 

[ephemery1]

Hi Ebree, sounds like even if your guy doesn''t totally understand what concerned you about hearing him in the shop with Laura, he at least respects the fact that it did... and that''s awesome. I definitely tend to be far more suspicious of other women than I am of my BF... he''s so freaking friendly and outgoing and trusting and good-natured, girls are constantly using him as their sounding-boards and occasionally getting a little close for comfort. It has bugged me in the past, but I''ve come to the realization that it''s usually just me feeling insecure, and not him doing anything wrong. Heather made a great point... if there was anything remotely suspicious about the situation he was in, he wouldn''t have called you in the first place... but instead he couldn''t even wait til he was back at the office to share the good news with the only woman he''s thinking about... you!! Sounds like a good guy to me

 

[Mara]

Heather made a great point that I forgot to address also, I thought the same thing when you wrote that line eBree, that he was with this other gal but he was calling you because he knew how excited you''d be that you guys got your dream apartment. So she may have been with him but he was emotionally with you. Definitely sounds like nothing to worry about there BUT sure, make him aware of what you think of this gal''s potential intentions, it doesn''t hurt to be aware.

White tulips, love them!

 

[SoonIHope]

EBree, I agree with what everyone is saying, and your fiance sounds so sweet bringing you flowers and being all excited about your apartment! I don''t think you have anything to worry about, but as everyone says, it is good to be conscious of potentially dangerous situations and take a few preventative measures.

But more importantly, hehe, my name is Laura & I''m not like that!!!

I feel like my name''s getting a bad rap and everyone''s yelling at me to leave your fiance alone!

Hehe, okay I''m done now, but it''s funny how emotionally, even though I know that''s not me, it makes me feel bad to hear everyone saying nasty things about her!

 

[caribou903]

I haven''t read through all of these post so if I''m repeating, I''m sorry.

You''re not alone. I know my FI would never cheat on my but sometimes I find myself wondering...I mean we spend the exact same days/nights together, Tuesday, Thursday, (ocassionally Friday)Saturday and all day Sunday.. so I think it is possible that he could be with someone else on those other days.

I realize that alot has to do with my past experiences of being cheated on and these thoughts I have have nothing to do with my distrusting my FI it''s has to do with me. I know in my head and in my heart that he would never cheat on me...but through experiences I have learned that it does happen so it is hard to get all that out of your head, especially when it''s been thrown out you every where you turn.

As far as the female friend, I was annoyed reading about her.

I didn''t read if you have talked to your FI about how she makes you uncomfortable? Maybe he''d be okay with not hanging out with her unless in a group? I have a friend co-worker who is a male that I have lunch with go to the store with (all while at work, never after work hours) and I''ve asked my FI if it bothers him, he says no but if it did become a problem, I would put an end to it...the co-worker is not worth that.

 

[Lorelei]

Ebree - this too will pass. I do hear you and the other ladies have given you great advice. My DH and I are in a position due to his job, where cheating could be the easiest thing in the world for either of us as we have to spend sometimes months apart. The bottom line is we trust each other totally and choose not to do it. I went through a stage a few years ago where DH was going abroad for work, but also had plenty of opportunities where he could have fun, pretty girls everywhere, bars etc - you get the picture and he would be there for a couple of months or longer. I used to worry no end about it until I realized there was nothing I could do about it, and all I could do was trust him the best I could. This has got easier as we have been married for years now. We both know that cheating for either of us is a deal breaker and we have worked hard to have a good marriage. I think my point is, as the other ladies have said, trust him, but protect whats yours. My DH is a " ladies man" in the sense that he enjoys women's company, is very charming and women enjoy speaking to him etc, which is fine by me, I am proud of him, but I look after what's mine and keep an eye on things! I know it is me he loves. I think many of us have been there Ebree but I am sure things will be fine, you are not alone! Sometimes when you see these things going on around you it can make you a bit anxious that it could happen to you , this is normal.
Also a few times DH has got jealous and was a little concerned that this guy was rather more fond of me than he should have been - I found this hilarious when he told me - no way! It can work both ways!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/27/2006 2:14:17 PM
Author: Lorelei
Also a few times DH has got jealous and was a little concerned that this guy was rather more fond of me than he should have been - I found this hilarious when he told me - no way! It can work both ways!

brit GF

did your hubby found out about us?

 

[KittenKat]

Date: 4/26/2006 9:13:34 PM
Author: Mara
TG that''s basically what I meant as well...I think by admitting that everyone COULD cheat then you at least are open to discussions on what coulda woulda shoulda etc and it makes you and your mate view potential situations as less harmless as they may have been if you or your mate firmly believed NO WAY would they EVER cheat. I know alot of people who are totally sure their mate would NEVER cheat on them. Which I hope is the case. But I think by admitting that people make mistakes and people make stupid decisions then you at least are prepared for more situations and scenarios than if you wear blinders and are totally oblivious to what could turn into something bad. I also think it''s important to discuss repurcussions, and what is acceptable for you in a relationship etc.

I think Mara''s statement above is the absolute healthiest way to discuss this topic. You''re one smart cookie, Mara.

I see too many people with those ''it''ll never happen to me!'' blinders on.

But, having the above discussion somehow makes you have a deeper communication with your spouse.

My hubby and I both work in very schmoozy industries... and he is the MOST outgoing person on the planet. It''s just about trust. No matter what, there''s no way to stop someone from cheating. No amount of threats, crying, anger can prevent it.

 

[diamondfan]

Ebree, I understand why you feel so overwhelmed with all the stuff around. I do not necessarily think your guy will ever cheat...but, unfortunately I think the potential exists for all people to succumb if the circumstances are right ( or wrong as the case may be!) I would like to say judge not, but I agree with whoever said (sorry I am forgetting!!!) it is better to face the issues in the marriage, if you are out of love or are seriously interested in someone and do not want to be with your spouse, end the marriage BEFORE starting with someone else. Monogamy is a choice. Marriage is wonderful but also tough, and it is a conscious decision to be in a committed relationship. A lot of people put so little effort in and wonder why it flounders. You would never plant a flower, walk away and expect it to grow and flourish without water, sun and nurturing. Some people theorize that those who talk about cheating do not do it, and the ones who don''t, could...I do not agree with that either. And sometimes people make bad choices. I think about the value of ruining a relationship for an urge of the moment...it is interesting, a friend and I were having one of those would you want to know discussions. She was very adamant that if her dh cheated once (like on a business trip) but still loved her and did not want to end the marriage, would never do it again, etc, she would not want to know. If he confessed, it would be to make himself feel better and she would feel worse. I do not know if I agree ignorance is bliss in this case...hard to know unless you have faced it...the media glamorizes so much, even our kids are innundated! I know personally I could not ever trust the person again, and who wants to live like that?

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 4/27/2006 2:49:17 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 4/27/2006 2:14:17 PM
Author: Lorelei
Also a few times DH has got jealous and was a little concerned that this guy was rather more fond of me than he should have been - I found this hilarious when he told me - no way! It can work both ways!

brit GF

did your hubby found out about us?

Yes but I was forgiven when he found out it was you DF! He is your second biggest fan!

I am your first of course

 

[Madam Bijoux]

There is another risk with cheating that not many people consider: STD''S. It seems odd that the TV shows never mention that.

 

[E B]

You guys are so sweet and have wonderful advice, thank you. A little update:

FI and I talked and I told him that I was sorry for overreacting, but I was uncomfortable with exclusive FI/Laura errands. He said it wasn't at all a problem (they barely even talk anymore, apparently) and it was just a one time deal for our friend.

Oh, and we move into our new apartment next weekend!

Yay!

 

[AmberWaves]

Yay for your new apartment!! Where are you moving? Glad you''re feeling better. I wanted to add to this post, but I found it late. I do the same things, Ebree. My fiance travels a lot during the summer, working these beach v-ball tourneys, and he''s around all these hot, toned girls. I was totally worried, and I said, "Promise you won''t meet someone new?" Kinda joking, kinda not, and he said, "Of course not, I have a fiancee at home!" That made me feel better. Like traveling gal said, it''s not that I don''t trust HIM, it''s THEM I worry about!

Glad everything is better!