Need some comfort ladies

[ZKS]

I completely agree Holly. He said it would be before October and not on my birthday so I am just thinking that it sounds soon and now I am relaxed about it, I am just excited about my birthday

 

[aliceinwonderland]

I'm happy for you that you have had a good discussion and are more relaxed about everything.
Alice

 

[KittyGolightly]

I'm very excited for you both! Good luck!

 

[ZKS]

Thanks for all your support ladies.

I am sort of back to square one. He is again talking about the proposal and saying he doesn't think it is going to happen for a while now because he is too stressed at the moment (his unusual job rears its ugly head) and says that now is not the right time and then we just had a fight over something ridiculously stupid where he said that he valued my opinion but he was going to go with his own I was pretty hurt and am questioning myself, whether I am overanalysing everything or there is something else going on and whether that was actually a mean comment or just a stressed out overworked man having a brain snap

Hopefully I will have good news soon.

 

[aliceinwonderland]

ZKS,

Sorry to hear this. I think that only YOU really know what that all means and you just have to be true to yourself and your feelings!

Fingers crossed for you,
Alice

 

[ZKS]

Thanks so much Alice. It has been a long 11 months of waiting and hopefully the wait will be coming to an end soon. The more I think about it the more I realise it is just anxiety over the wait and questioning the reason for it. I am just being silly (hopefully).

 

[tammy77]

We all have stressed out snappy moments. What matters is that it never crosses the line (screaming, cussing, hitting, being REALLY disrespectful or calling names) and that it's discussed afterwards and apologized for.

I'm sorry things are so rough. I don't think it's very fair of him to delay the proposal because of something outside of your control. It's hard to not feel like that's a cop out.

I'd be sure to tell him that you aren't OK with "mind games" (in a gentle/more PC way), so if he's saying that to throw you off, please don't do so. It's just going to make you feel mislead.

I don't know, sorry. :/

 

[ZKS]

Thanks for your support Tammy. No it is never crossing the line he just gets snappy because of his stressful job. I am just going to play it cool and hope that this snappy mood disappears. He often notices when I am a bit sad and becomes all sweet and sappy so I hope that in this case he will realise that he is being moody.

 

[Indylady]

Why don't you have a serious conversation with him about when he plans to propose instead of dropping hints? You do have an equal say in this relationship. If I were you, I'd bring it up to him in a calm way and tell him that you need to know a solid timeline for when he is planning to propose, i.e. within the next 6 months, etc.

+100 Life is easier this way. Sorry to hear about your SO's comments about engagement. It seems like he is holding engagement over your head when he says he's too stressed for a proposal; stress is going to be there through your relationship, engagement, marriage..its unlike a more solid, one time marker or goal that others would prefer to have before marriage, such as paying down a debt or finishing school. The reason I say that that it sounds as if he's holding this over your head is because we all have snappy moments, but changing your relationship or proposal timeline shouldn't be a topic that one brings up when one is simply in a mood or funk--it can be really hurtful. I hope it gets better--I encourage you to have a frank, relaxed chat.

 

[tammy77]

I'm trying to figure out if this is an issue where you're bringing up the topic of getting engaged at the wrong moments (when he's tired/stressed/hungry/etc.) so he's saying he wants to postpone it b/c he's stressed, or if he's saying these things on his own accord without you bringing the topic up. I think there's a big difference between the two. If you're bringing it up during highly stressful times, after he's already given a timeline/fulfilled his end of the deal/hasn't passed the timeframe, then I can understand his frustration. More importantly, you can fix that by having some self control and patience.

If, on the other hand, he's just randomly saying "I'm too stressed out with work, I think we need to put the engagement off" and you KNOW, without a shadow of any doubt at all that he's not just trying to throw you off to surprise you (which imo is just cruel and dumb, but they do it allll the time), then that's a much bigger issue.

Just as much as your lives shouldn't revolve around a countdown to "engagement day", your lives should not be put on hold because of "stressful times" unless we're talking death in the family, job loss, etc. because life happens. It's going to keep happening. You shouldn't be punished for that. Also, at least for me, when times are stressful I'm drawn TO my SO (now DH). Putting off your engagement gives the undercurrent of instability, pulling back, etc. negative feelings when you need the positive ones the most. Does he think you expect something elaborate that requires a lot of time/days off? I don't know, just trying to help solve the impossible question known as "what is a man really thinking?".

Eh, I'm rambling. I hope at least 25% of that made sense and helps.

ETA: Oh, one thing that jumped out at me was what you said about him "often noticing when you're sad and getting all sappy". I could be wrong, but I think that's something to be careful about falling into a pattern of doing. I've seen it first hand with my mom and dad. My mom's gut reaction is to mope, be sad, etc. to try to get my dad to change his mood when he was being nasty towards her. Over the years it evolved into a huge disaster, including her overdosing on sleeping pills to get his attention and almost dying. I'm sure it didn't start out that way, but 30+ years later it's just unhealthy and dangerous. Hopefully I'm off base here with it being a possible pattern. If it is though, you might want to try to retrain yourself a bit to be the positive energy - smile, think happy thoughts, and go snuggle up on him. My guess is he'll snuggle right back!

 

[ZKS]

Why don't you have a serious conversation with him about when he plans to propose instead of dropping hints? You do have an equal say in this relationship. If I were you, I'd bring it up to him in a calm way and tell him that you need to know a solid timeline for when he is planning to propose, i.e. within the next 6 months, etc.

+100 Life is easier this way. Sorry to hear about your SO's comments about engagement. It seems like he is holding engagement over your head when he says he's too stressed for a proposal; stress is going to be there through your relationship, engagement, marriage..its unlike a more solid, one time marker or goal that others would prefer to have before marriage, such as paying down a debt or finishing school. The reason I say that that it sounds as if he's holding this over your head is because we all have snappy moments, but changing your relationship or proposal timeline shouldn't be a topic that one brings up when one is simply in a mood or funk--it can be really hurtful. I hope it gets better--I encourage you to have a frank, relaxed chat.

Thanks to you both ladies. I really appreciate your input.

IndyLady, the thing is his job is extremely unusual, not 9-5 office at all from Sept 1 to Oct 1 is the most stressful crazy period of the entire year. From october 1 he gets 2 months off. So in fact I would never expect an engagement during this time the more I think about it because he is so completely focused. Along with this in the last 2 weeks he was unable to do his job and has only just been able to come back into which has been obviously very stressful and upsetting for him. So I guess when it comes down to it and when I think critically and reflect on it, I was being silly to even expect one or think that it was possible. I think I am the one who is bring it up at the wrong time but I couldn't help myself but I must say in the last couple of days I have had a huge change of heart. I feel a whole lot more relaxed about it and think when it happens it will be perfect. I think a lot of that thinking comes from the support in this thread so THANK YOU to all who contributed

Tammy, in regards to the sad and down part, it is not actually a conscious effort on my behalf, I have just been going through some other troubles and what I mean is that when he notices I am a bit flat because of my own problems (unrelated to engagement etc) he remembers just how lucky we are to have each other and realizes he is being grumpy which in turn makes me realize just how lucky we are (if that makes sense).

 

[ZKS]

Ladies, just an update: SO is on holidays no and has no excuses any more so perhaps it might be happening soon.

Will keep you updated.

 

[RebeccaMUA]

Let us know!! ****************DUST*************** to you

 

[audball]

Any updates?

 

[ZKS]

No updates SO has been away since the weekend and is back tomorrow and we have planned an out of the city trip this weekend as it is a long weekend but we are going to see our friends who live there so I am not holding out any hope at all Oh well. I just really hope it is in the next week. But again I think I am just making myself sick over it by hoping.