Need some help

[MisakiChan]

Hi, ladies! I'm sorry if this is gonna sound a bit off-topic. Two days ago, my bf and I had a small fight...anyway, not something we couldn't get over.
That night, I was really upset so I went straight to bed, without talking to him. He, then started talking to this girl in our class, A. He admitted having a crush on her a long time ago, but I thought it was over. They talked about me, it seems and relationships. She told him she isn't looking for a relationship.
My bf told me about this and swears he did it just to make me jealous, sort of like a rebound. It upsets me because he says he doesn't feel anything for her, but when we fight, he sometimes thinks about her. Like an attraction thing. I don't want to make a big fuss about it.
What do you think?

 

[AsschrFan]

Misaki,
I remember your topic a few months ago when you said your boyfriend told you "Just kidding" about marriage:

Today however, something happened. My bf told me that he was just kidding last night, because he wants to be sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him no matter what and in the end, confessed that he is going to propose pretty soon. Soon as in this year!

Now you say:

My bf told me about this and swears he did it just to make me jealous, sort of like a rebound.

The pattern continues.

You're 20; please, take a step back and really evaluate the effect this relationship is having on your well-being. As posters, we only know one side of the story. But what we know doesn't seem to foreshadow a lifetime of happiness ahead.

 

[MisakiChan]

Well, I'll admit it's a very twisted situation. Like you said, we're young and it's very intense; the good times are amazing and the bad times are devastating. But we really love each other and want to make it through.
My bf is extremely insecure. His dad is sort of a womanizer and his mother remarried a very strict man and so, his upbringing was full of criticism. And I think I criticize him a bit too much, too. He is nothing like other men, he isn't playing games. He genuinely feels the need to be reassured that I will stand by him forever...

 

[Amys Bling]

Honestly- I think maturity plays a big role here. I think you need to tell him that you can't be with someone who plays games with your emotions and your relationship...

 

[MisakiChan]

Ok, so I talked to him. I asked him to stop playing emotional games with me. He said I do the same, and the truth is I do. A while ago, when we had a fight, I made a profile on a dating site and met a guy online and I flirted with him and led him on. Just online.
I told my bf about this later and it upset him. But still, I see this A. chick everyday and I sort of despise her. My bf told me today he is only attracted to me, he only loves me.
Perhaps I'm overreacting. I wish there was an easy way to get over this.

 

[TooPatient]

Ok, so I talked to him. I asked him to stop playing emotional games with me. He said I do the same, and the truth is I do. A while ago, when we had a fight, I made a profile on a dating site and met a guy online and I flirted with him and led him on. Just online.
I told my bf about this later and it upset him. But still, I see this A. chick everyday and I sort of despise her. My bf told me today he is only attracted to me, he only loves me.
Perhaps I'm overreacting. I wish there was an easy way to get over this.

You BOTH need to stop now. Neither of you is ready for marriage until you can get past this sort of emotional game.

I'm sorry you have to see A every day. That would be very difficult even without the "games" he plays. Is there any way for both of you (you and him) to stop contact with her? (like if it is just social)



ETA: I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, but my mother is going through a divorce after 8 years of marriage and 20 year relationship. These "games" remind me too much of her situation.

 

[madelise]

A while ago, when we had a fight, I made a profile on a dating site and met a guy online and I flirted with him and led him on. Just online

You seem to be in denial about how toxic your relationship is. You've gotten good advice in your previous thread about your fight with your SO, but still seemed to push any logical advice back down the throats of whomever it came from. You made him seem like he was the villain, you the victim. But ^this comment proves that you, too, are playing villain. You both need to separate, and grow up individually. I honestly feel that both of you are just feeding off of each other's insecurities and playing games with emotions-- types of games that should never be played.

Have you considered how the person on the internet felt? The one that you flirted with and led on? Or did it not matter because he was "only on the internet"?

I'm sorry this sounds harsh, but you didn't seem to hear it in your previous thread asking for help, and now you don't even seem to hear your own words. You throw out horrible situations for people on the internet to analyze and give advice for.. but you only seek the advice that makes you feel better. Anyone giving you advice that is not to your liking, you ignore and start giving excuses for either your or your SO's behaviors.

Please, for your own emotions and mentality's sake, take a step back and be objective about your situation. You say you and your boyfriend are in med school, right? Then you know that at your age, your frontal lobes are still developing..

 

[MisakiChan]

Look, I really don't want to break it up with him. I do love him...and I believe he loves me, too. And I don't want to run away from my problems. I really want to stay and fight and make it better.

 

[lulu]

Fighting for the relationship won't help. You are both terribly immature and should not even be discussing marriage. Try seeing each other casually and meanwhile focus on your studies and date other people.

 

[Enerchi]

Fighting for the relationship won't help. You are both terribly immature and should not even be discussing marriage. Try seeing each other casually and meanwhile focus on your studies and date other people.

spot on.

Misaki, not to be rude, but your previous thread and this one, just scream "teenage drama" (I know... you are not a teen). GAme playing and manipulation and 'messing with emotions', are all teenage pranks and immature behaviours. Marriage and relationships are built on trust, respect, love and commitment. Truly, I'm not seeing much other than 'games' when you describe what goes on.

I'm sorry that is harsh.

Focus on school, that's where your future lies and who comes into your life path when you are working on your education, that's yet to be discovered. This guy is just messin' with ya.

 

[sonnyjane]

I was reading your post waiting for a link to a spam site because I just couldn't believe a post like that would be real. I'll be the harshest of the bunch so far. You two shouldn't be together. If you DO stay together, you deserve all the consequences. You're both acting like 13 year olds.

 

[tammy77]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, but I have to echo the PP's sentiments. There is no way in hell that I'd put my FF (now DH) in that type of a situation. You both need to take a step back and wait a few YEARS before discussing marriage. Get past the drama and stupid games for at LEAST a year w/no incidents, then talk about getting engaged.

Don't you have to ask yourself...what if she hadn't pretty much rejected him by saying she's not looking for a relationship?

 

[Rhea]

Don't you have to ask yourself...what if she hadn't pretty much rejected him by saying she's not looking for a relationship?

Building on that, what did he say to her that made her say that she's not looking for a relationship? That's not just something you blurt out to every casual friend.

 

[atp223]

Misaki, I don't want to offend you, but a lot of the things you have talked about (the fights, the emotional games, the "other woman") remind me a lot of my first relationship. Which was at the end of high school/early college. It actually fell apart when I was 20. I didn't realize it was an immature relationship till I grew up a little more (though we definitely did not talk about marriage often as neither of us wanted that till later in our 20s). We had a similar issue wherein he ran to this other girl who I KNEW liked him (for all 2 yrs of our relationship) to discuss private aspects of our relationship. They ended up dating for awhile after we broke up (thus proving my paranoia to be correct). The breakup was still devastating for me, because i felt very strongly for him and was so attached, and it was my first relationship - so the fact we (retrospectively) had been immature did not make it any less real or painful. One day you will probably (hopefully) look back on this they same way as some of the previous posters, who are older and have a bit more insight, and realize this IS basically silly teenage drama. I don't mean to sound patronizing - but to older people (or younger but mature, perhaps in functional relationships) you sound ridiculous.

You'll figure everything out eventually. This is not an un-normal stage to go through in life (though I'm sure not everyone does, and your relationship does sound particularly toxic and manipulative). But in the meantime, please don't do anything silly like get married to this kid!

 

[Amys Bling]

Look, I really don't want to break it up with him. I do love him...and I believe he loves me, too. And I don't want to run away from my problems. I really want to stay and fight and make it better.

maybe the two of you should think about counseling- learning how to communicate better...

 

[Amys Bling]

Don't you have to ask yourself...what if she hadn't pretty much rejected him by saying she's not looking for a relationship?

Building on that, what did he say to her that made her say that she's not looking for a relationship? That's not just something you blurt out to every casual friend.

Exactly- what do they talk about? How close are they? How far has he taken that "flirting" relationship?

 

[TooPatient]

Look, I really don't want to break it up with him. I do love him...and I believe he loves me, too. And I don't want to run away from my problems. I really want to stay and fight and make it better.

maybe the two of you should think about counseling- learning how to communicate better...

That's a really good idea.

Couples counseling to learn how to communicate with each other would be beneficial to both of you.

Another thing to look into in addition to that might be group activities or classes that focus on team building and communication. (group stuff is usually a lot less expensive)

 

[MisakiChan]

I've had my part in causing this problem. I've acted so jealous all the time and I think I pushed him into it. He told me he just wanted to make me mad, and it could have been with any other girl. He says what he feels for this girl is nothing, just a tiny attraction, like any guy who sees a pretty girl would. But he loves me and I'm the one...I don't know anymore.

 

[snow12]

Maybe this is in another post, but how long have you and your boyfriend been together?

In my experience, my exfiance and I dated for over 5 years, we started dating when we were both so young and never learned to stand on our own two feet. Because of this, I broke it off with him. He acted like he was in high school even though he was 24 years old.

But on the other hand, I know some couples, my best friends parents, who dated all through high school and are still happily married over 25 years later. Although there so crazy in love that I'm not sure they ever had problems.

Relationships take work, it just sometimes is too much work to continue. You may be mistaking the feeling of loving another for being head-over-heels inlove. I would never ever consider hurting my fiance by making fake dating profiles. I know now what the difference is, I loved my ex but I am crazy head-over-heels with my fiance. You may be missing out on someone who could treat you right by staying in your current toxic relationship. It sometimes gets to a point where its more work than its worth and its time to move on. and getting engaged never makes things better.

 

[AsschrFan]

If I were in your shoes, what I would do is take a trip without him - one that's longer than a week, if possible. Maybe a backpacking trip, if it's within your means. Go on your own for a little bit, CLEAR YOUR HEAD, and then see how you feel. When I read your posts I can feel the stress!

I stayed together with my high school boyfriend through the first year of college (18-19) and it was absolutely miserable. In retrospect, I probably did it because I was scared of being alone. I focused so much energy on HIM that I didn't make many friends. He was a very stubborn, close-minded person, and during arguments he would give the silent treatment so that I always apologized first. I went home for the summer while he stayed back in the college town. During that summer away, I finally got the clarity I needed to break up with him. Not saying that's what you will do, but stepping back from your situation for a moment would be a very healthy thing, I think.

 

[MisakiChan]

I've been with him for a year and almost a half.
Unfortunately, I can't get away from him. We're in the same class in college, so we see each other all the time...

 

[snow12]

O you think that maybe your together too much? Everyone needs there own space sometimes. d

 

[chemgirl]

I've had my part in causing this problem. I've acted so jealous all the time and I think I pushed him into it. He told me he just wanted to make me mad, and it could have been with any other girl. He says what he feels for this girl is nothing, just a tiny attraction, like any guy who sees a pretty girl would. But he loves me and I'm the one...I don't know anymore.

People probably won't like this, but I find talk about "the one" to be really childish. You think "the one" and you think you'll never find anyone else to spend your life with. That's simply not true. I had two "the one's" and they sure felt like the guy for me while we were in our happy periods. Then things started to be less great, we started to have different life goals, but we tried to ignore it because you can't leave "the one". Silly really. Now I'm married to "great guy whom I love, who's awesome to be around, and who shares my life goals". I'm sure there are other people out there who could potentially have those traits, but I'm not looking because why mess with a good thing.

If things work out with this guy then great. If they don't, you'll pick yourself up and have a great life without him.

 

[amc80]

Here's the thing- you guys are both playing games. When you are older, more mature, AND with the right person, playing these games won't even occur to you. You guys are so young, you have so much growing and learning to do. And you can't/shouldn't do it together. Do it on your own. Learn who you are and what you want and need out of yourself and someone else. I am willing to bet you that in 5 years you'll look back and say "what was I thinking?". It's part of growing up, we've all done it.

 

[MisakiChan]

I've decided I should just let go for now. No pushing, no nothing...I'll just let things happen and whatever will be, will be.

 

[madelise]

The level of help you need is beyond what we can give you, I'm afraid.

 

[MisakiChan]

Case closed. He admitted he doesn't like me anymore...we broke up.

 

[LibbyLA]

Until he tries to manipulate you again...

It's going to be a tough few weeks or months, but do some fun things with your friends (things that don't involve going to bars, getting drunk, and being foolish). Please don't try to get into another relationship until you've had a chance to heal. Take care of yourself and good luck.

liz

 

[Amys Bling]

Case closed. He admitted he doesn't like me anymore...we broke up.

I know it's hard right now- but go out with friends, have fun- you don't want a guy manipulating you and playing eith your emotions and heart.

 

[MisakiChan]

Case closed. He admitted he doesn't like me anymore...we broke up.

I know it's hard right now- but go out with friends, have fun- you don't want a guy manipulating you and playing eith your emotions and heart.

You're right. Thank you!