Need thoughts...alcohol or no alcohol and need advice!

[Hest88]

Everyone else has made great points so I won't. I do sympathize--my poor DH has to jump through all sorts of hoops my non-Asian friends have no conception about.

One thing to point out, though---that Indian gold? Sellable. I think gold is still relatively high per ounce. One of my Chinese friends recently sold a lot of her wedding gold to a Chinatown jeweler and, after some nice negotiation, made out like a bandit. You could sell that gold and give the money to your mom!

 

[RaiKai]

I agree with so many of the points already made.

Please do not count on "things changing after marriage". What about, for example, if you have children? Or your MIL moves to the same country and wants to say in the same house? Won''t the same "it''s customary" stuff come up? I am NOT saying "call it off" or that things won''t change at all! What I am saying...is make sure it is very clear as of right now what the expectations and plans are for these sorts of in law situations both NOW and ongoing.

I am not trying to be doom and gloom here. I just cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you and your fiance see yourselves as a team and are in agreement with how to deal with in-law situations. And how you cannot pass this off as "just a wedding thing". I had a counselor once who shared with me that the big sources of conflict (and divorce) he sees in his practice are money, raising children, lifestyle differences and....you got it...in-law relationships. He, unlike many of the reports out there, actually puts in laws problems higher than the money problems. And, these issues usually show themselves long before the vows are exchanged.

Your fiance may become quite upset and hold his head in his hands, but, is he going to do that every time something like this happens? Yes, his mother is family. But now, you are his primary family. That means setting a precedent that he is going to stand by your side in these things. As you will for him.

I also agree that is time to accept some responsibility in this. You are an adult. You could have made many different choices - no matter what anyone else wanted - and you made the choices you did. So it is not your dream wedding, or what you wanted. Regardless of the influences, you chose not to have the wedding you wanted. You could have chosen differently. You could have saved longer, or you could have cut the budget and had something smaller. You certainly could have arranged a wedding on a cruise boat. Would some people have been upset? Well, maybe, probably. Certainly there were people excluded from my own wedding - which we held as a destination wedding ten weeks after we got engaged on a very small budget as we paid for it ourselves - who might have liked to be there - including close blood relatives. However, I don''t regret any of it as we had the wedding that worked for us pure and simple. And we felt comfortable being clear that this WAS *our* wedding regardless of others thoughts on it.

It may be a little far in the process to have EVERYTHING you wanted at this point it sounds, however, stand up and be clear about the alcohol and other things you want going forward.

 

[missy]

in laws problems ... these issues usually show themselves long before the vows are exchanged.

I could not agree more with this RaiKai.

All the problems my dh and I have had with my MIL and BIL and his wife started way before we became engaged and only got much worse after we became engaged and then married. Luckily though we always presented a united front and did not allow them to manipulate us and hurt the relationship b/w dh and me. It took us some time to come to terms with the new "normal" but ultimately we knew it was their problem and not ours.

It is very difficult (if not impossible) to change people so once the original poster realizes this the sooner she can work on this issue with her fiance because it will NOT get easier once they are married. It will most likely get worse and now is the time to discuss this with her fiance and how they will deal with this together. As a team. You can't always be on everybody's side.
(ie the fiance cannot be on both the mom's side and his fiancee's side) You sometimes have to choose. And in any successful marriage the husband needs to be on his wife's side. Period.

They need to deal with this now and not after they are married.
I cannot say this any more emphatically.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/12/2010 4:42:44 PM
Author: missy

And in any successful marriage the husband needs to be on his wife''s side. Period.


They need to deal with this now and not after they are married.

I agree 100%!

 

[beadchick]

Date: 4/12/2010 3:30:54 PM
Author: nkarma
Hey beadchick, I am sorry I offended you and obviously have not much knowledge of you, your FI, or the situation.


I do however come from the school of thought that 1) Adults should pay for their own weddings, cars, rent, etc... It is nice if parents can contribute a small amount, but I like earning and paying for things myself. Your initial post about expecting your FI''s parents to offer money definitely sounded a little demanding and expectant to me. I don''t think it''s right for anyone to expect someone else to give them money no matter who they are. They can spend it on jewelry for you if they like because it''s their money and also something that brides in India may treasure more than money for the wedding. Like purselover said, this is YOUR wedding that you decided to have. Why would anyone else pay for it? I also believe 2) If you can''t afford it, don''t buy it**. This isn''t coming from some rich snobby woman who has been given anything, rather the opposite. A lot of people don''t agree with me on this I know and in the end it is your life, so do what you think it is right.


I am very glad you found a solutions for the alcohol thing. I definitely sympathize as there would be no way in hell there would not be alcohol at my wedding. Others have said you have a tough road ahead of you. I think this is a good issue to come up so that the two of you will have a system and know how to deal with this for the many similar incidents that will occur in the future. I agree with everyone else that your fiance has to be the go between on whatever you decide together and call off the attack dog if she acts like one. One suggestion for the wedding would be to try to win some favor with her. Obvisiously some of things she is asking you to do, you are vehemently against. But I am sure there are some small things that you wouldn''t mind doing that would go a long way to make her happy like wear the sarang the last hour or two or make a small toast in her native language. Remember if she is happy, your FI is happy.


**small print: that is unless it''s going into student debt to get you a degree that will double or triple your earning potential for the rest of your life.

No worries, Nkarma. Its all cool. I have a hard time with guilt- obviously. As far as all the things I don''t like, I probably should have stated that I agreed to christmas tree sari and have even paid to get the thing tailored and finished. I also agreed to the minister and didn''t complain about it (but will freely admit my relief about it being off now), I went along with sending out separate invitations b/c that''s the way it''s done. I let the sister I don''t know be a member of the wedding party. I agreed to the wedding that we are having- which after having read everyone''s comments, you''re right, I shouldn''t have but I did. And in 40 days, the whole damn thing will be OVER!

 

[beadchick]

And just so that I don't sound like a moron, or that you think all of your words haven't fallen on deaf ears, yes, I am looking and thinking very hard about the relationship. I am thinking about whether its the situation or whether its us. Fiance says its us and its good it happened b/c there are things that we need to clearly work on here. I think he is right. Every time I complain about something, he asks me what I need him to do. He is trying. Is this just me being upset about having to do something I so clearly don't want to do? Am I terrorizing him b/c I don't want to go through this? Is it more me than him? Is this, on some level, something that every bride (god, I hate that word) goes through on the way to the proverbial alter? I am thinking of girlfriends of mine who got married and how "excited" they were when they were getting married. After the fact I found out that they felt like they were going crazy, too. Maybe I think too much about the meanings of things...or maybe I just need to drink more...

However, I still think weddings do drive you insane, especially if you were the sort that never really wanted to have one. I guess there's no way you can magically go to sleep one night and wake up the next morning married, is there?

 

[missy]

Date: 4/12/2010 9:09:59 PM
Author: beadchick
And just so that I don't sound like a moron, or that you think all of your words haven't fallen on deaf ears, yes, I am looking and thinking very hard about the relationship. I am thinking about whether its the situation or whether its us. Fiance says its us and its good it happened b/c there are things that we need to clearly work on here. I think he is right. Every time I complain about something, he asks me what I need him to do. He is trying. Is this just me being upset about having to do something I so clearly don't want to do? Am I terrorizing him b/c I don't want to go through this? Is it more me than him? Is this, on some level, something that every bride (god, I hate that word) goes through on the way to the proverbial alter? I am thinking of girlfriends of mine who got married and how 'excited' they were when they were getting married. After the fact I found out that they felt like they were going crazy, too. Maybe I think too much about the meanings of things...or maybe I just need to drink more...


However, I still think weddings do drive you insane, especially if you were the sort that never really wanted to have one. I guess there's no way you can magically go to sleep one night and wake up the next morning married, is there?

You do NOT sound like a moron beadchick and I am sorry if any of my posts made you feel like I thought that.

As you say every couple has to go through difficult stuff and so much the better to do it before the vows are exchanged. My heart goes out to you because I empathize with what you are going though and how you are feeling. It is an impossible situation. The main point I was trying to get across was that there really is NO choice when it comes to you and your future MIL and your fiance's beahvior. He needs to stand up for you always and be right there with you on your side because it does come down to that.

When it comes down to it what any parent should want for their adult child is for their child to be happy. That should be their primary goal when raising their child. That their child grows up to be a responsible and mature adult who makes a happy life for him/herself. Unfortunately we see that many parents don't behave in this selfless way and that is a shame. But it doesn't change the fact that is how it should be.

And for the record, weddings don't always bring out the crazy in people and even with my fiance's family my wedding was a calm and happy affair. But I think we had a lot to do with it. We let his family know from the beginning that we would not tolerate any more nonsense from them and they could either be a part of our life or not. My dh told them that the decision was up to them but what wasn't up to them was the fact that my dh and I were going to make a very happy life together. We did not need their approval and we did not need their manipulations and power control ploys.


I am so glad you and your fiance are discussing matters and that he is listening and trying to do his best. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

btw you can get married in a much less stressful way if you are willing to elope...

 

[havernell]

I am sorry that you are going through all this. My husband and I both have stressful families (for different reasons), and it has taken a toll on our marriage, but we are learning to be our own team. However, there are some days when I think "a marriage shouldn't be this hard". While we were in the wedding planning process, I think we naïvely thought that everyone was just acting up because of the wedding, but we soon realized after the wedding that these issues not only were not going to subside, but that we (as products of our respective families) tend to unconsciously perpetuate some of the tensions between ourselves. As I said, we are working on things now (with professional help) but it's been tough on both of us emotionally. I'm not sure what my point is exactly in terms of your situation, except that (as others have said), know that these problems likely will not go away after the wedding.

Speaking of which, the poster Feb2003Bride might be someone who could offer some insight into your situation. She is an American whose husband is Indian. She started a recent thread about in-law issues: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/living-with-the-in-laws-for-4-6-weeks-how-to-cope.139148/

I don't think she reads the Brides Worldwide board, but it seems that she looks at Family Home and Health, so you could try to get her attention there if you wanted to.

Best of luck to you!

 

[beadchick]

Date: 4/12/2010 9:49:57 PM
Author: havernell

Speaking of which, the poster Feb2003Bride might be someone who could offer some insight into your situation. She is an American whose husband is Indian. She started a recent thread about in-law issues: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/living-with-the-in-laws-for-4-6-weeks-how-to-cope.139148/


I don''t think she reads the Brides Worldwide board, but it seems that she looks at Family Home and Health, so you could try to get her attention there if you wanted to.


Best of luck to you!

Havernell!!! Thank you!!! This woman is me in 5 years, except I work. It is exactly like this! FI works and travels a lot, consequently, I am expected to be respectful daughter when he isn''t here. I am literally going to stay at a girlfriend''s apt before the wedding to get away from all this craziness- at least I have an out for now. Its amazing b/c the exact same stuff she is saying, I am experiencing. Its not that FI doesn''t love me enough, but there is no way on earth that he can tell them no. That is like, the worst thing you could ever do or something. They are coming over here and we are expected to put them up (its not even considered they would help out), take them around, entertain...I know they will do the same when we go over there, but c''mon, WE WORK!!! And, we are fixing a house, and trying to get ready for a wedding.

Its so funny b/c everyone says, "well, he has to stand up to them. He has to stand up for you." This will not happen. He did stand up for me, he told them he was marrying me and they had to deal with it. That''s the extent of it. Indian people (sorry, I''m going to generalize b/c it''s true) do NOT stand up to their parents. They are elders, they know what''s best, blah, blah, blah, arrange the marriage and that''s that. In fact, FI says that they are trying to make OUR marriage seem as much like an arranged marriage as possible! Can you believe that? It KILLS me. FBIL came over to see us at xmas, took a bunch of pics of FI and me, later posted them on facebook. I wasn''t in a single one of them! The pics were reconnaisance, that''s all there is to it. I wasn''t allowed to go to FBIL''s wedding in December b/c we weren''t engaged, and you get engaged THEN date, so I couldn''t exist. I can''t even describe how demoralized I felt. I am still bitter about this and still think she (and you know who I mean) hates me even though I''ve knitted her a table runner (she decided it was a prayer shawl), sent over homemade cookies, call her EVEN when FI isn''t here. She seems to like me, but, yeah, still bitter about it. There just ends up being a lot of water under the bridge. I have never been made to feel like I should be ashamed of who I am until HER...

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 4/12/2010 9:09:59 PM
Author: beadchick
And just so that I don''t sound like a moron, or that you think all of your words haven''t fallen on deaf ears, yes, I am looking and thinking very hard about the relationship. I am thinking about whether its the situation or whether its us. Fiance says its us and its good it happened b/c there are things that we need to clearly work on here. I think he is right. Every time I complain about something, he asks me what I need him to do. He is trying. Is this just me being upset about having to do something I so clearly don''t want to do? Am I terrorizing him b/c I don''t want to go through this? Is it more me than him? Is this, on some level, something that every bride (god, I hate that word) goes through on the way to the proverbial alter? I am thinking of girlfriends of mine who got married and how ''excited'' they were when they were getting married. After the fact I found out that they felt like they were going crazy, too. Maybe I think too much about the meanings of things...or maybe I just need to drink more...


However, I still think weddings do drive you insane, especially if you were the sort that never really wanted to have one. I guess there''s no way you can magically go to sleep one night and wake up the next morning married, is there?

Believe me, if there was a way t do this, I would have found it. I really did want to elope, I really never dreamed of a big wedding, but it was so important to my husband. He felt like, with all the family issues, that anything outer than a fairly big wedding was like him saying he was ashamed of me and had to run away from everyone to be with me. I don''t regret doing it, but just remind yourself that by taking this all on when you didn''t want to is bound to make anyone feel defensive and difficult and that makes you a sane human being, not a crazy one.