Need to vent majorly

[kdub79]

There is a woman at work...probably about 30 yrs my senior (early sixties)...she just got engaged a few months ago after a yr long relationship.
It has been torture for me to constantly hear of her engagement (after only 12 months) and wedding planning, but I have been happy and supportive.
She spends the entire work day wedding planning and prints off extra copies of things for me...in case I "ever get the chance to plan a wedding". I smile and say thank you and put it in a stack in my office. After she got engaged, our boss says...you're next...you're the last one left to which I smiled through internally clenched teeth...oh...I'm patiently waiting!

I was talking to another young lady (who got married last summer) about how excited I was that SO and I chose the style of my ring last night...at his urging.
So she butts in (the older lady) and asks if I'm engaged..I say no we just chose the ring...and she says how can you choose the ring before he asks? I explain that he showed me a ring and asked my opinion and when I loved it...had me sized. I even told her how excited I was because I could tell by the conversation he had with the jeweler that unbeknownst to me...he has been doing some major research.

She then gets this funny look on her face and says...can I say something without you getting offended? (WHICH IS USUALLY AN INDICATION TO SHUT UP) I tell her say what she has to say. And then this woman, who knows nothing of my relationship other than we have a loving relationship and are head over heels for one another (and have been for FOUR YEARS) tells me...not to pressure him into marrying me. What the hell? Is it just me?....but I am extremely offended. I have never spoken to her or anyone else here about my lady in waiting-itis...and I work very hard at NOT pressuring him. I don't mention anything to him...he did this on his own...because he is ready.

Where does she get off....really? She gets proposed to after 12 months of dating a guy she met and it's heaven sent. My SO takes me to choose a ring after knowing me for 5 years being in a relationship for 4 living together for 3 and being parents to a 2 yr old, but I'm pressuring him by going along?

Honest opinions ladies....I feel like it was snub and it really put a damper on my mood. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

 

[greenteabiscuit]

You know it's not true that you are pressuring him into marrying.
How rude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT:
Sorry, i thought the recently engaged lady told you not to push him into marrying you =(

 

[gem_anemone]

Just curious if you responded to her rude comment what did you say?

I would simply avoid sharing any future engagement or wedding planning stories with her. Ugh.

 

[kdub79]

No need to edit....that's exactly what the recently engaged lady said.....

I asked how me honoring his request to look at rings constituted force....there have been crickets in the office ever since.

And the thing is...I wasn't sharing anything with her in the first place....

I was talking to someone else entirely. A recently married young woman whom I associate with outside of work as well.

She was happy for me and mortified at this person's lack of tact.

So I am not insane then and misreading her implied msg?

It was like she was discounting his love for me...like he couldn't possibly want me like her betrothed wants her....

It must be coersion.....

Just when my panties were nearly in a painful bunch....I remembered that she is in her 60s.....

And regardless of what she may think or say....my SO loves me and we are going to have loads of wonderful years together.

I vented to SO about it and he made me feel even better....said she was a jealous nitwit who envies my beauty, youth and intellect.

(she reports to me and I think it bothers her)

Gosh....he knows just what to say to make me laugh lol

 

[Seattle SC]

The first thing I though after I read your post?

She's old.

Seriously. She's from a totally different generation where the woman gets surprised by love and the proposal and that's the way it's supposed to work. If she tries to bring it up again, simply tell her "I think it's funny the differences between our generations. How in the past women were supposed to be surprised and whisked away by love and now days it's more normal that marriage is a union between both man AND woman it's not unusual for people to plan an engagement together. Personally I think it makes much more sense to do it this way because we both know we're in it together. I guess that's the difference 30 years makes."

Don't let her bother you. People have different perceptions about how love is supposed to work and it works for some and not for others. It took my parents a while to understand how things have changed, and while they don't agree with some things, they understand the benefit in others. There's no worse way to plan your future than to base it on the expectations of others. Your time will come soon enough

 

[audball]

The first thing I though after I read your post?

She's old.

Seriously. She's from a totally different generation where the woman gets surprised by love and the proposal and that's the way it's supposed to work. If she tries to bring it up again, simply tell her "I think it's funny the differences between our generations. How in the past women were supposed to be surprised and whisked away by love and now days it's more normal that marriage is a union between both man AND woman it's not unusual for people to plan an engagement together. Personally I think it makes much more sense to do it this way because we both know we're in it together. I guess that's the difference 30 years makes."

Don't let her bother you. People have different perceptions about how love is supposed to work and it works for some and not for others. It took my parents a while to understand how things have changed, and while they don't agree with some things, they understand the benefit in others. There's no worse way to plan your future than to base it on the expectations of others. Your time will come soon enough

LOVED this. Soooo true. I know it probably sucks being around her, but just try not to think about her. I'd also guess jealousy issues, maybe that she's afraid you're going to get engaged soon and step on her toes with wedding planning, etc and that people will be more excited for you or something?

 

[kdub79]

lol...thanks Seattle...

You are right....she is old...but she is not old-fashioned...
She lives with the guy...constantly discusses their sex life...
And her many previous sex lives as she says men are her vice
You've no idea some of the "monologues" I've had to endure....
She is one of those people who portrays her life as being perfect and must find some sort of fault
With everyone else's...

Just yesterday...SO came here to take me to lunch (as he often does when he can)
And we had a huge date night planned after work (which was a BLAST )
And when I returned, she went on and on about how she loves to see relationships and loves like ours...
And how we remind her so much of her and her guy...
And how great it is that we're four years strong....

But as soon as there is mention of a ring....that's out the window and I'm forcing him.
I can't help but thing that she must think I'm gonna steal her shine or something...
But I don't look at my engagement that way....All I can see is him and our life together....
I could care less who gets engaged after I do...it's not a competition.
You guys have no idea how helpful it is to have support...even if it's intangible...

I appreciate each of you for being that for me.

 

[kdub79]

Audball...you hit the nail on the head. It sucks being around her yes...especially when all she ever talks about is her engagement and her wedding. But I have been able to handle that because that is MY issue...not hers. I liken it to someone wanting babies and working in an office full of pregnant people. I've been there too. That I can stand....it's nobody's fault.

But it just really irked me that it felt like she had judged me and deemed me unworthy. When I sat down and thought about it...once the steam stopped floating from my ears...I realized that I don't care. Her opinion has no value.I think that she has had some time to think about what she said because she keeps trying to make small talk with me. I respond when necessary, but she gets it that I'm not feeling chatty (with her anyhow).

So I'm back to being excited.... .....we picked a ring guys!!! And he was equally excited as I was!

 

[LibbyLA]

I usually just read here, but since I'm of the older generation (pretty close in age to the obnoxious coworker), I feel the need to say something.

The coworker's problem is NOT her age! She'd be obnoxious if she were a sweet young thing (and she probably was just as obnoxious when she was young, although she probably wasn't sweet). Would you be any more interested in her sex life if she were your age? Probably not!

To the poster who says it's a generational thing, it's not. My generation (and hers) came of age during the 60s and 70s (free love and feminism and such). You need not be so smug about how superior you think your generation's attitudes toward engagement and marriage are to those attitudes you think are held by older people. I'm sure there are still plenty of young women looking for that knight in shining armor to ride up on his white horse and sweep them off their feet.

liz

 

[gem_anemone]

I asked how me honoring his request to look at rings constituted force....there have been crickets in the office ever since.

I think it was a good idea to stand up for yourself even if it meant a having little tension at work. Women can be very catty. She seems "off", but I don't think it's fair to blame her age. Those stories she told about her past are enough to label her a nutjob! Sorry you have to work with someone like that. That sucks.

I wouldn't discuss anything personal if she's within earshot. Most likely she butts in conversations because no one ever wants to talk to her.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I usually just read here, but since I'm of the older generation (pretty close in age to the obnoxious coworker), I feel the need to say something.

The coworker's problem is NOT her age! She'd be obnoxious if she were a sweet young thing (and she probably was just as obnoxious when she was young, although she probably wasn't sweet). Would you be any more interested in her sex life if she were your age? Probably not!

To the poster who says it's a generational thing, it's not. My generation (and hers) came of age during the 60s and 70s (free love and feminism and such). You need not be so smug about how superior you think your generation's attitudes toward engagement and marriage are to those attitudes you think are held by older people. I'm sure there are still plenty of young women looking for that knight in shining armor to ride up on his white horse and sweep them off their feet.

liz

Thank you. It's not her age, it's her attitude.

And btw smugness is ugly. no matter how old {or young} you are

 

[Enerchi]

YIKES! that is one seriously RUDE woman! It wouldn't matter if your coworker was 20, 30, 40... whatever, she's just tactless and rude. Everybody's relationship is unique to the 2 people in that partnership. What progresses one way for 1 couple, is not the gold standard for ALL couples!! Geesh...

I think your relationship sounds wonderful! you have a man who knows you well, loves you dearly, cares and adores you and your child... who the hell cares when your ring arrives/ how it arrives/ or needs to evaluate the 'circumstances' surrounding your engagement and marriage.

ARGH - people should think before speaking - (oops, I hope I "thought before typing!") and I totally agree with your original comment when she asked if she could share something with you and your thought was that really means its time to shut up! YEAH!!! You go girl!!! You seem far more mature than this 'older' woman.

Just tune her out - you don't need that crap in your day!

 

[Anastasia]

Oh honey, please don't spend another moment worrying about what this woman said. I agree with previous posters that this has nothing to do with her age, and everything to do with her being obnoxious. She talks about her sex life? eeeeewwwwwww!

She is a clueless clod, and I am sorry that you have to work with her. It sounds like you have a great relationship. Enjoy this time of your life - it is so exciting. Don't let her ridiculous comments get to you. You sound much more mature than she does.

 

[Sun-Shine]

Is this her first marriage?

 

[greenteabiscuit]

Is this her first marriage?

 

[MisakiChan]

Lol, you shouldn't stress over this so much. You are a bright, good-willing woman and she is just an old frustrated lady!
Perhaps she's just upset that you are so young and she feels like the good years passed her by. I wouldn't feel anything but pity for her.
Keep your head up! You're a great woman!

 

[chemgirl]

Yeah, I agree that she was really out of line with her comment and had no business butting in to your conversation.

On a somewhat unrelated note, you keep on saying she's only known her fiance for 12 months like it somehow makes her relationship less legitimate than yours. I find this extremely offensive. If she's ever heard you say "only 12 months" then I can see why she said what she did.

 

[monarch64]

Yeah, I agree that she was really out of line with her comment and had no business butting in to your conversation.

On a somewhat unrelated note, you keep on saying she's only known her fiance for 12 months like it somehow makes her relationship less legitimate than yours. I find this extremely offensive. If she's ever heard you say "only 12 months" then I can see why she said what she did.

Yeah, the attitude of "you've ONLY been together for x amount of months--my relationship has been going on for YEARS" is pretty hard to stomach. You're playing the same game she is by feeling that way. Just try to rise above this and don't give her the satisfaction of talking about your personal life at work. If she feels like talking about her personal business at work and you don't want to hear it, just ignore her. You've "endured her monologues" because you listen to her and provide a sounding board.

 

[omc111]

Lol, you shouldn't stress over this so much. You are a bright, good-willing woman and she is just an old frustrated lady!
Perhaps she's just upset that you are so young and she feels like the good years passed her by. I wouldn't feel anything but pity for her.
Keep your head up! You're a great woman!

I have to say I find the phrase "old frustrated lady" extremely offensive. I am gray haired, have been married 35 years but I don't believe anyone would call me old or say the "good years" (whatever they are) had passed me by.

I agree with other posters who said that age had nothing to do with this woman's comments and to blame them on age without looking deeper surprises me.

 

[monarch64]

Lol, you shouldn't stress over this so much. You are a bright, good-willing woman and she is just an old frustrated lady!
Perhaps she's just upset that you are so young and she feels like the good years passed her by. I wouldn't feel anything but pity for her.
Keep your head up! You're a great woman!

I have to say I find the phrase "old frustrated lady" extremely offensive. I am gray haired, have been married 35 years but I don't believe anyone would call me old or say the "good years" (whatever they are) had passed me by.

I agree with other posters who said that age had nothing to do with this woman's comments and to blame them on age without looking deeper surprises me.

It is offensive. Tact, class, grace, and poise have nothing to do with age--you either have those qualities or you don't. The only other excuse is that maybe you were raised by wolves.

 

[Amys Bling]

yay, I would avoid any talk of personal life around here. No need to continue to be annoyed and frustrated by her.

 

[Amys Bling]

Is this her first marriage?

if it is her first marriage- then good for her in finding someone to make her happy.

 

[kdub79]

Hey everyone...I had so many laughs and smiles from all your comments....thank you for taking the time to write. It helps so much and I value all your thoughts

First thing I want to clear up... I have never ever voiced any opinions other than joy about her engagement because it's not my place to do that. Different strokes for different folks. I am a firm believer that what works for one couple does not have to work for another and I actually have no issues with people getting engaged after "only 12 months". My emphasis on her 12 month engagement was to point out the idiocy (in my opinion) behind her feeling that her engagement is somehow more deserved than my impending one, though she's known and been in a relationship with this man 1/4 of the time I have. That and that alone...was the point of that reference...to show the irony of her thought process.

I'll tell you exactly what I think when I hear of couples getting engaged in the first year..2...3 of their relationships....it's not oh that's too soon...or she doesn't deserve it...or her relationship isn't as good as mine..it's more like...lucky dog...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG --followed by pouting lol. It's like seeing someone get the promotion you've been lusting over for years and they weren't even thinking about the job. It doesn't make you or them any less deserving and I believe you can be genuinely happy for someone who has what you want. I know I can. I think that most people would think one was rushing, forcing, or pressuring when a proposal happens sooner rather than later. I could be wrong, of course, but the thing to note here...is that an engagement is something to be celebrated regardless of one's personal feelings about the nature or circumstances of the thing.

So in this instance....I think I'm innocent of playing the legitimacy game. I try not to judge (though I find myself peskily human ) and I won't always be level-headed. I expect you guys to call foul when I'm not . I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion so if she felt that way...she was well within her right to feel that way (even though she was wrong about me pressuring him)...BUT and here is the major BUT...she should have kept it to herself. I didn't ask her opinion and she butted into a conversation she wasn't included in . I actually was very happy for her (though sad for my empty finger) and no this is her 2nd marriage...but shes been divorced over 20 yrs I think. That's why I took the time to plan her a surprise luncheon off-site to celebrate. I knew no one else would...and I would want someone to think of me that way.

I have ignored her monologues....I don't say anything....and she just rattles on. It is not a two way conversation lol...I swear....in the interest of not being rude I have just ignored her and not gone so far as to say...please stop talking to me...She will talk for so long without me saying anything that eventually she'll stop and ask if I heard her. I say yes I heard her...and though she knows I heard her and still didn't respond...she'll just go right on. Don't know what else to do on that front. Suggestions anyone....I really try not to be a meanie....it's not like she walks up and talks to me....she sits on the other side of a wall and just talks...we can't even see each other....I'm working...I can't leave my office and walk off.

 

[kdub79]

Btw...can I just say I LOVE emoticons lol...

 

[atp223]

Headphones?

 

[omc111]

i-pod?

 

[kdub79]

If I turn it up loud enough that I can't hear her....then I can't hear my phone....and I have to be able to hear my phone or my boss (who just quietly says my name from his office) .....might I be doomed?

 

[Enerchi]

Btw...can I just say I LOVE emoticons lol...

LOVE your sense of humour!!! hahahaha!!!

You sound very level headed. You are very tactful in your ability to try and shut her out (I admire that skill of yours!!) and very mature to see the joy in someone and wish them well. As well, it was so kind and considerate of you to organize a shower for her - so thoughtful!

Still...

This coworker needs a big shot of "mind your own business" and no idea who's gonna administer the dose, but it does need to happen.

How was it today at work? Anything transpire? Any comments? Do other staff feel the same? is anyone closer to her and could muster up the courage to suggest she be a bit more sensitive to other's thoughts and situations???

 

[LibbyLA]

kdub,

Your coworker is obnoxious, no doubt about it. Things were quite different when she (and I) grew into adulthood and you never know what might color her perspective on things, and I'm saying that because my attitudes are definitely influenced by those things.

Please do not take what I'm going to say as a judgment of any kind. There's no better or worse, just different.

Despite the 60s and 70s being free love and feminism and contraceptives and such, there was very little living together by unmarried couples. Didn't mean that there weren't sleepovers (but seldom, if ever, in a family home, only in your or his apartment), just that two unmarried people of the opposite sex seldom shared an address. To this day, I am not willing to live with someone. I'm not sharing living quarters with anyone unless we're married. I'm not saying "never" but I can't imagine doing so. It has nothing to do with religion or morals or anything like that, it's more the legal safety net thing.

There were far fewer unmarried mothers back then. Young women who got pregnant either got married, or gave the baby up for adoption, or raised the baby alone, or had an abortion (I guess). You just didn't see unmarried couples raising children together. These days, it's quite common.

Unmarried couples didn't buy houses. You might be able to get a mortgage if you were engaged. It was difficult, if not impossible, for unmarried couples and probably for singles (at least women). Buying property with someone who's not a family member is another of those things that I just would not do. Heck, my SO (of thirteen years, today) and I just started sharing a phone plan recently and I had a hard time wrapping my brain around that!

So maybe without your coworker even realizing it, she expects that you'd be married already since you and your significant other are still a couple, have been living together for several years, and have a child together. Even if that's so, though, she shouldn't be making comments about your relationship/engagement/etc.

I think you should just ignore her, as hard as that might be. Her comments are not appropriate for the workplace. Any chance someone up the "food chain" can bring a little order to the office by pointing out that the office is the place to work, not share personal lives? Offices are really not the place for showers (baby, wedding, or any other kind), birthday parties, etc.

Some of your comments make it seem like you're not necessarily happy with your current situation, and that may be influencing how you react to her behavior. If you were content with things the way they are, you probably wouldn't be bothered by what some "old bat" (as you probably think of her) said.

liz (another "old bat" to you young whippersnappers)

 

[chemgirl]

Hey everyone...I had so many laughs and smiles from all your comments....thank you for taking the time to write. It helps so much and I value all your thoughts

First thing I want to clear up... I have never ever voiced any opinions other than joy about her engagement because it's not my place to do that. Different strokes for different folks. I am a firm believer that what works for one couple does not have to work for another and I actually have no issues with people getting engaged after "only 12 months". My emphasis on her 12 month engagement was to point out the idiocy (in my opinion) behind her feeling that her engagement is somehow more deserved than my impending one, though she's known and been in a relationship with this man 1/4 of the time I have. That and that alone...was the point of that reference...to show the irony of her thought process.

I'll tell you exactly what I think when I hear of couples getting engaged in the first year..2...3 of their relationships....it's not oh that's too soon...or she doesn't deserve it...or her relationship isn't as good as mine..it's more like...lucky dog...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG --followed by pouting lol. It's like seeing someone get the promotion you've been lusting over for years and they weren't even thinking about the job. It doesn't make you or them any less deserving and I believe you can be genuinely happy for someone who has what you want. I know I can. I think that most people would think one was rushing, forcing, or pressuring when a proposal happens sooner rather than later. I could be wrong, of course, but the thing to note here...is that an engagement is something to be celebrated regardless of one's personal feelings about the nature or circumstances of the thing.

So in this instance....I think I'm innocent of playing the legitimacy game. I try not to judge (though I find myself peskily human ) and I won't always be level-headed. I expect you guys to call foul when I'm not . I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion so if she felt that way...she was well within her right to feel that way (even though she was wrong about me pressuring him)...BUT and here is the major BUT...she should have kept it to herself. I didn't ask her opinion and she butted into a conversation she wasn't included in . I actually was very happy for her (though sad for my empty finger) and no this is her 2nd marriage...but shes been divorced over 20 yrs I think. That's why I took the time to plan her a surprise luncheon off-site to celebrate. I knew no one else would...and I would want someone to think of me that way.

I have ignored her monologues....I don't say anything....and she just rattles on. It is not a two way conversation lol...I swear....in the interest of not being rude I have just ignored her and not gone so far as to say...please stop talking to me...She will talk for so long without me saying anything that eventually she'll stop and ask if I heard her. I say yes I heard her...and though she knows I heard her and still didn't respond...she'll just go right on. Don't know what else to do on that front. Suggestions anyone....I really try not to be a meanie....it's not like she walks up and talks to me....she sits on the other side of a wall and just talks...we can't even see each other....I'm working...I can't leave my office and walk off.

Thanks for clarifying. I was engaged after a little less than a year of dating somebody I'd known for a while so I'm a bit overly sensitive about the one year comments. I also had a lot of comments about my small wedding and short engagement. In the end none of it matters anyway. The important thing is that you're in a great relationship with your special person.

Some people just like to hear themselves speak and assume everyone cares about what they have to say. Unfortunately you're stuck working with one of them.

Hugs and the best of luck!