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New poster: Going on EIGHT YEARS! What gives????

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msmit001

Rough_Rock
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Jul 23, 2008
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Hellow ladies,

I''ll try to keep this concise. I''ve been with my BF for over 7 years. We have lived together for 2 years. We have two dogs, and things are pretty good. Except that I''ve been ready to be married for about 2.5 years, and he''s not ready. Not at all. This has been a HUGE source of conflict for us for the last 2 years. We are 25 (me) and 24 (him). I''ve lost sight of who I was when we first started dating. I''m a nag, bitchy, sarcastic, and spiteful. Not all the time, but when I find out that yet another couple we know is getting engaged, I feel like I''m going to blow a gasket. We''ve been together since high school, for crying out loud. How can he not be ready? (See the anger coming out? It''s ugly.) We have had way too many conversations/arguments about marriage. He just says it''s a big committment and he''s not ready for it yet. In his works, "It''s just not one of my priorities right now." We are both pretty settled in our careers. He graduated college 2 years ago, I finished graduate school 6+ months ago. We have good jobs. He just got a great raise. He''s thinking about buying a house. Is that when guys are ready? When they''re ready to buy a house?

I need to know what I can be doing to increase the chances that he will be ready (I know that avoiding nagging, etc. would help). Or I need to know if maybe he just doesn''t want to marry ME, and how to tell if that''s the case. I''d also like to know what you all think of setting a deadline in my mind so I know when to call it quits and move on with my life.

Thank you an advance for any wisdom!
 
Oh sweetie I''m sorry you are going through this but I have to say, unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him "be ready" either he is is or he isn''t. Also it''s different for each guy, some guys are ready when they finish school some guys need to have that job lined up, some need to have money in the bank for a house...the possibilities are endless.

Can I ask a question? When you moved in together 2 years ago did you talk to him about what you both wanted from the relationship. It sounds like you clearly wanted moving in together to be a stepping stone to engagement and marriage, but is that how he saw it?

I know many other ladies will say this too but it''s really the best advice I''ve read here....TALK TO HIM. Don''t nag and pester just sit down and have relaxed, truthful, adult conversation about what you both want.
 
I''m going to assume that you''ve already had a calm, rational discussion about getting married, and he''s telling you it''s not in the cards any time soon.

If you haven''t had this discussion... do that first. lol.

As you know, nagging, whining, and temper tantrums don''t help along engagements. Get back to the girl that he fell in love with. The one who had her own life. Just take care of yourself and try to curb the cynicism, and maybe have the conversation again in a little bit.

It sounds to me like he''s not even remotely close to wanting marriage, if you want my honest opinion. If that''s not OK with you, maybe you should consider moving on. It''s pretty rare that a guy goes from "No Way" to "Be my Wife" in a few months.

Guys are black and white. Stop trying to read between the lines, if he says he''s not thinking about it -- well, he isnt.

On a sympathetic LIW side note, I am so sorry you''re going through this. It''s such a hard situation. Just try and keep your head up and take care of yourself.
 
im so sorry you feel that way. and to not be able to have the boyf understand can make it worse (thats why you have us!)

IME (experience) i think they become more ready when they are seriously about buying a house. case in point: my best friend. They to were hs sweethearts, lived in a condo and were getting ready to buy a house. She didnt think and engagement would happen anytime soon since they just bought a house (mid oct i want to say). Christmas day she got a BIG surprise.

to me, i hate that they want to buy a house FIRST. ugh. how many couples start off in an apartment? thousands, if not millions. My boyf is talking about getting a house too. I''m putting my foot down and saying im not putting my name on a loan unless there is a ring on my finger. there is no rule saying you have to have a house.

the best advice i can offer is to go out with GFs, vent on PS and talk to your guy.
 
Date: 7/23/2008 4:07:49 PM
Author: KCCutie

I know many other ladies will say this too but it's really the best advice I've read here....TALK TO HIM. Don't nag and pester just sit down and have relaxed, truthful, adult conversation about what you both want.
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Yup. It's really the only way to find out. You've been together for quite awhile, and since you're ready, you have every right to know when he sees this happening or IF he sees this happening.

Just know that he may not have clear answers for you. At which point, you have to decide how much time you're willing to give him. If I were you and I were willing to wait, I would let him in on how much time I can realistically give him. So he knows. I don't believe in keeping that a secret and then one day just walking out, but that's me.

I hope when you do talk to him (again, and w/out the tantrum), he has the answers you want to hear. Good luck sweetie.
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I was in a similar situation. Hubby and I just got married this year. We had been together for 8.5 years (both of us are 25 and we've been dating since high school). If I can be absolutely blunt and honest with you, I wouldn't be chomping at the bit to get down on one knee for someone nagging me and getting angry at me for not being ready yet. I don't mean that as an attack or an insult; I'm just saying, think about it from his perspective.

I understand that you feel ready and that you feel some urgent need to get married right now. It's also understandable for him to not be ready. It IS a big decision; it IS a huge step in life. Unfortunately (and fortunately), you cannot make someone be ready for marriage. He knows himself and you know him; if he's not ready... trust him. He's not.

Now it's up to you to decide for yourself, can you wait patiently and see if he is ready soon? Or do you need to move on to find someone who is ready to get married now? In other words, is your SO more important to you or is marriage more important to you? If marriage is more important to you, than perhaps it's time to move on. If SO is more important to you, than maybe it's time to wait.
 
Ditto to the above!

ETA: You will probably want to have a mature discussion with him if a home purchase is in the future. I say this because my FI and purchased a home together and it certainly slowed the progress on a ring purchase because so much of our money goes towards improvements to our home. However, before we purchased TOGETHER we discussed our future and ultimately I decided a home was more important to us. We are engaged and planning our wedding but I am still waiting for my ring - so be aware, a major purchase can impact your timeline.
 
Date: 7/23/2008 3:54:48 PM
Author:msmit001
Hellow ladies,

I''ll try to keep this concise. I''ve been with my BF for over 7 years. We have lived together for 2 years. We have two dogs, and things are pretty good. Except that I''ve been ready to be married for about 2.5 years, and he''s not ready. Not at all. This has been a HUGE source of conflict for us for the last 2 years. We are 25 (me) and 24 (him). I''ve lost sight of who I was when we first started dating. I''m a nag, bitchy, sarcastic, and spiteful. Not all the time, but when I find out that yet another couple we know is getting engaged, I feel like I''m going to blow a gasket. We''ve been together since high school, for crying out loud. How can he not be ready? (See the anger coming out? It''s ugly.) We have had way too many conversations/arguments about marriage. He just says it''s a big committment and he''s not ready for it yet. In his works, ''It''s just not one of my priorities right now.'' We are both pretty settled in our careers. He graduated college 2 years ago, I finished graduate school 6+ months ago. We have good jobs. He just got a great raise. He''s thinking about buying a house. Is that when guys are ready? When they''re ready to buy a house?

I need to know what I can be doing to increase the chances that he will be ready (I know that avoiding nagging, etc. would help). Or I need to know if maybe he just doesn''t want to marry ME, and how to tell if that''s the case. I''d also like to know what you all think of setting a deadline in my mind so I know when to call it quits and move on with my life.

Thank you an advance for any wisdom!
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Have you talked to him about getting married? How long are you willing to wait? Personally, 8 years is far too long to put your life on hold for something that might not be and maybe you should explore dating other people. I vote for having a real, adult conversation about marriage and where your lives are going and then go from there. If he makes excuses then I say "he''s just not that into you" and cut your losses now. If you''re on the same page then start planning! Good luck!
 
Wow you’ve said a mouthful in everything you posted!

I think the problem with high school sweethearts is that one partners clock/desire for marriage starts to click before the other. Your boyfriend, who isn’t ready, is actually totally normal considering the age but it just feels like it isn’t normal because you’ve been together for so long.

Honestly, if you had been dating for 2 years and at the age of 24, it would feel a lot more “normal” that he isn’t ready because most people (generally speaking) aren’t ready at the age of 24. But when you tack on 8 years, it seems like he should be.

If history serves right, you probably have a few years before he’s fully ready. 24 is young to be thinking about marriage (IMO).
 
Date: 7/23/2008 4:32:03 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007

Have you talked to him about getting married? How long are you willing to wait? Personally, 8 years is far too long to put your life on hold for something that might not be and maybe you should explore dating other people. I vote for having a real, adult conversation about marriage and where your lives are going and then go from there. If he makes excuses then I say ''he''s just not that into you'' and cut your losses now. If you''re on the same page then start planning! Good luck!
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I hear you on this but I still stick to my its not really all that long feeling. He was 16 when they started dating. Most people feel that after 3 years you should know. Well, after 3 years he was barely 19 not even a legal adult yet.

I think he needs to be given some slack to be honest.
 
He''s planning on buying a house with or without you? Sorry I was just confused about that.

I agree with the others that there is no way to force him to be ready. I don''t think there''s some magic thing (like buying a house) that would make him ready, either. You have to decide what''s important to you. If being married soon is important to you, then you need to talk to him about it, let him know what you''re feeling, and get a sense of what exactly he''s thinking. Have you asked him what''s holding him back?

If he''s totally unsure about your future together, you may want to re-evaluate the relationship and consider moving on. But if he''s just afraid of growing up or something changing between the two of you, then maybe you should give him some more time. It may not be one of his priorities right now, but you deserve to know if it''s going to be a priority EVER.

Only set a deadline if you plan to follow through with it no matter what.

Good luck!
 
Date: 7/23/2008 3:54:48 PM
Author:msmit001
I'm a nag, bitchy, sarcastic, and spiteful. Not all the time, but when I find out that yet another couple we know is getting engaged, I feel like I'm going to blow a gasket.
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These are tell-tale signs of what I call feeling "overcooked" which happens when you've been waiting too long--it's just a LIW synonym for resentment. My gut feeling is that the resentment has already caused issues in the relationship that is making both of you question whether marriage is right for this relationship. For you, the frustration, insecurity and hurt have already caused some scaring. For him, the snide, sarcastic comments from you coupled with your anger are making him question his future with you.

First, you BOTH have to recognize what this is doing to your relationship and second, you have to fix it. If it continues, you will get to the point where leaving him and the resentment behind is a much better option than staying in an unfulfilling relationship. Even if he does propose, all of these emotions you're feeling right now won't disappear. It sounds like it's already caused some damage and you will need to address it regardless of where this limbo period leads.

I'm sorry that you're going through this and hope that you guys can talk about it in a calm, loving way that isn't stemming from frustration. You need to recognize how the other feels because it's leading to a breakup and finding a SOLUTION is what is important.
 
Date: 7/23/2008 3:54:48 PM
Author:msmit001
Hellow ladies,


I'll try to keep this concise. I've been with my BF for over 7 years. We have lived together for 2 years. We have two dogs, and things are pretty good. Except that I've been ready to be married for about 2.5 years, and he's not ready. Not at all. This has been a HUGE source of conflict for us for the last 2 years. We are 25 (me) and 24 (him). I've lost sight of who I was when we first started dating. I'm a nag, bitchy, sarcastic, and spiteful. Not all the time, but when I find out that yet another couple we know is getting engaged, I feel like I'm going to blow a gasket. We've been together since high school, for crying out loud. How can he not be ready? (See the anger coming out? It's ugly.) We have had way too many conversations/arguments about marriage. He just says it's a big committment and he's not ready for it yet. In his works, 'It's just not one of my priorities right now.' We are both pretty settled in our careers. He graduated college 2 years ago, I finished graduate school 6+ months ago. We have good jobs. He just got a great raise. He's thinking about buying a house. Is thatwhen guys are ready? When they're ready to buy a house?


I need to know what I can be doing to increase the chances that he will be ready (I know that avoiding nagging, etc. would help). Or I need to know if maybe he just doesn't want to marry ME, and how to tell if that's the case. I'd also like to know what you all think of setting a deadline in my mind so I know when to call it quits and move on with my life.


Thank you an advance for any wisdom!
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The first thing you need to do miss lady is FIND YOURSELF AGAIN. Honestly, we all get lost from time to time, but it's the vibrant wonderful you that he fell in love with. You need to focus on yourself for a while, get back into old hobbies, go out with friends more often, exercise, take classes, travel and meet up with old friends, learn a new language, ANYTHING that embraces loving life! You will feel better and happier (not to mention more distracted, lol), and he will probably love that too! If not, maybe you will gain the confidence to risk trying something new.
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You can't make someone marry you. You can't make someone ready to marry you, but you can love yourself and have fun while you figure out what YOU want and need. If those things don't align, then you already have your answer.

Best of Luck!
 
I can sympathize with you. I was with D for about 7 years before we seriously had a proper chat about things. I felt that I was ready however he wasn''t ready at all and it was such a shock to me as I presumed that''s the way things were heading. He asked me to give him till the end of the following year, which was nearly 2 years away which I decided to do as I wanted to get some of my own things sorted out as well. We got engaged 18months after having that chat. I do recommend sitting down and talking properly to him, try not to cry, shout etc, as hard as that can be.
There is no way that you can force him to be ready. After having your chat, then it''s up to you. Are you happy waiting indefinitely, is he buying the house by himself, have you spoken about the future at all etc.
 
Welcome to PS. I''m going to be as gentle as possible while I say a couple of things:

I''m not a big fan of the ''marring my high school sweetheart'' stuff. A VERY high percentage of these marriages end; one person outgrows the relationship, or both change in different directions. My sister is a casualty of this, as well as my husband. It didn''t work for them, just as it doesn''t work for many people.

You''ve apparently not had a serious adult relationship with anyone else, as you''ve known him since you were 17 or 18? HOW do you know this is the person you are supposed to be with? Being used to someone, comfortable with them, is not the same as loving them. BTW, I don''t think you even used the ''L'' word in your post; you just said you were ''ready''.

I''m completely opposed to people living together when both people are not obviously equally committed to the relationship and its future. It serves no good purpose; and we''ve seen this time and again on PS.

Bottom line: he isn''t ready. It''s too soon. For him, in his mind, 24 is too young. And, he may actually wonder who else is out there if he''s only been with you.

What is important to you about this relationship? Are you in this for him? Are you sure about how you really feel about him? Because, ultimately, you have to decide if it is worth it to stay and wait for him to be ready. And only you know how you really feel.
 
Date: 7/23/2008 5:04:39 PM
Author: HollyS
Welcome to PS. I''m going to be as gentle as possible while I say a couple of things:


I''m not a big fan of the ''marring my high school sweetheart'' stuff. A VERY high percentage of these marriages end; one person outgrows the relationship, or both change in different directions. My sister is a casualty of this, as well as my husband. It didn''t work for them, just as it doesn''t work for many people.


You''ve apparently not had a serious adult relationship with anyone else, as you''ve known him since you were 17 or 18? HOW do you know this is the person you are supposed to be with? Being used to someone, comfortable with them, is not the same as loving them. BTW, I don''t think you even used the ''L'' word in your post; you just said you were ''ready''.


I''m completely opposed to people living together when both people are not obviously equally committed to the relationship and its future. It serves no good purpose; and we''ve seen this time and again on PS.


Bottom line: he isn''t ready. It''s too soon. For him, in his mind, 24 is too young. And, he may actually wonder who else is out there if he''s only been with you.


What is important to you about this relationship? Are you in this for him? Are you sure about how you really feel about him? Because, ultimately, you have to decide if it is worth it to stay and wait for him to be ready. And only you know how you really feel.
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I have to point out that yes a lot of high school sweetheart relationships don''t work out, but that''s not to say they can''t. We met when we were 18 (actually I was 17) and we are still together 12 years later!! I know of so many couples that can meet, get married divorced and onto their second marriage/sometimes divorce in that time!

You need to look at each relationship individually and not what category they fall into.

I think it was important for us to have some counselling though a few years ago. It helped us stand back a bit and reassess things as adults. It is a very different relationship when you are basically children growing into adults together and trying to find yourself as individuals, develop into an adult and have a relationship all at the same time - they say what doesn''t kill you makes you stronger right?! We found it really helpful to have someone ''mediate'' during our discussions and it really helped us see a different side to each other. It was the best thing we ever did, and I found it has helped me in other areas of my personal life, to be more assertive when I need to be and to help understand and be tolerant of others more.

I was absolutely in your shoes until about 12 months ago, when for the first time, my partner really let go of all the insecurities and worries about getting married. I can honestly say now that I am so glad we didn''t just brush these things under the carpet and ignore them, facing the issues we felt we had was the best thing, and now I can hardly believe we are on the path to what I have felt like is the ultimate display of committment. I think sometimes guys stress about getting married and feel like they are not ready or something is holding them back, but when they really start to talk about their fears or hesitations, it helps to put things into perspective for them and for your relationship.

I totally know how you feel getting upset and resentful - it''s hard not to when you understand that it is not helping the situation. So many times I have looked back and thought, no wonder he didn''t want to get married - how could he want to marry someone who is so hurt and angry at him. I really hope you guys can sit down and talk about things calmly and rationally. Maybe if you feel, that like us, your talks end up with tears, fighting, hurting each other etc, maybe you guys can consider having a talk to a counsellor. It doens''t have to mean things are drastically wrong - we just felt like we needed someone else there to help direct our conversations and keep us grounded a bit. It''s almost like a safety blanket - you can''t yell and scream and say hurtful things, you just have to sit there and really listen to each other.

Sending you lots of hugs - please don''t give up. I know it feels like there is no hope at the moment, but hopefully soon you can look back and realise you have passed this stage, and that you are both on the same page looking forward to your future together.
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I''m going to cut the guy some slack here only because in my mind the clock started ticking AFTER you both graduated. Sure there was dating before and it was a great opportunity to know each other and grow, but as far as marriage, I think you should only look at the time where it was practical to do so.

Soooo, on that note it''s only been a couple of years right? As others have suggested I would calmly tell him that it''s been awhile since he graduated and you would like to know what his timeline is. Then I would tell him what your cut off point is (I suggest another 2 years) and tell him this is the last convo you plan to have about the subject. You hope he will be ready to commit by then, but if he is not, then you need to move on since marriage and family is important to you. Then I''d drop the subject. No more bringing it up, no more feeling sad about friends getting engaged, just enjoy the relationship and see where it progresses (or not) in the next two years.
 
honey22- you hit the nail on the head. very well said.
 
People are saying, "Get back to the girl he fell in love with/ girl you were before you met him" or similar sentiments, but I would like to point out that she was SIXTEEN!!

25 is definitely young enough for it to be normal and okay to not be ready. But it doesn''t mean that everything is a-okay either. You''ve never been alone or developed your personality separately from this relationship. Please make sure that you want to marry him because he''s your best friend and you love him, and y''all are right for each other, not just because he''s the only byfriend you''ve ever had and it''s the logical next step. Too many people get married right after college because they think it''s the next thing on the checklist, and they just marry the person they happen to be with when they graduate. There is nothing wrong with marrying your HS or college sweetheart as long as it''s the right person and not just the right timing.


I''m sorry you are feeling so bad. I''ve been there too. Good luck, and I hope you can focus on your life and actions instead of focusing all your energy on your relationship. Women tend to do that and lose themselves in the process.
 
Date: 7/23/2008 4:59:35 PM
Author: bee*
I can sympathize with you. I was with D for about 7 years before we seriously had a proper chat about things. I felt that I was ready however he wasn''t ready at all and it was such a shock to me as I presumed that''s the way things were heading. He asked me to give him till the end of the following year, which was nearly 2 years away which I decided to do as I wanted to get some of my own things sorted out as well. We got engaged 18months after having that chat. I do recommend sitting down and talking properly to him, try not to cry, shout etc, as hard as that can be.
There is no way that you can force him to be ready. After having your chat, then it''s up to you. Are you happy waiting indefinitely, is he buying the house by himself, have you spoken about the future at all etc.
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I love what bee has to say here and I suggest taking what she had to say in high consideration. FF and I just celebrated out 10 year relationship mark. We recently had a discussion and it brought me piece of mind as well as a general timeline so to speak. It works good for me this way as I don''t feel ready, he isn''t quite ready either. And same as bee said, this gives me time to get some of my own things sorted out before marriage as well!

I guess it all depends on how much you two love eachother and how long you are willing to wait for him. We all have our reasons as to why we aren''t ready just yet. Maybe you should find out if he ever will be ready and let him know how you feel about the situation (and do it calmly and when he is willing to chat about it) I like to think that good things come to those who wait.
 
Date: 7/23/2008 5:21:58 PM
Author: honey22
I have to point out that yes a lot of high school sweetheart relationships don't work out, but that's not to say they can't. We met when we were 18 (actually I was 17) and we are still together 12 years later!! I know of so many couples that can meet, get married divorced and onto their second marriage/sometimes divorce in that time!

You need to look at each relationship individually and not what category they fall into.
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I agree 100% with honey. FF and I were both 17 going on 18 when we met. We didn't go to the same school though (so not technically hs sweethearts), he actually lived in another state, had to finish his SR year, and then moved here to be close to me. And just like honey, we are still together and love each other more than ever after 10 years!! And we probably wont get married for another 2-3 years. So I have a very similar situation to honey22.

It all depends on the couple and their relationship on if it will work out or not in the end. It doesn't depend on when/how you met or even how long ago it was. I wish you all the luck in the world *hugs* and hopefully if the two of you have a little chat, you will know if it is still worth waiting for him.........
 
aliciagirl: You read my mind... Is he wanting to buy a house together or is he wanting to get out on his own??

In you entire post this is what caught my eye. Do you have a feeling that it is just you he doesn''t want to marry? I don''t mean this to sounds harsh, just trying to get all the facts.

If you are talking about getting a place together, then I agree that if you haven''t already, you need to sit down a get a real idea of what he wants and what his time frame is. You also need to decide how long you are willing to wait for him to be ready...

Welcome. I hope we can be of some help!!
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Just a thought... If he is buying a place, you could consider maintaining your own residence while he moves into his new house. You might gain some space and autonomy, and absence can make the heart grow fonder! Could be he realizes how unbelievably badly he WANTS you there.
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Hi msmit001,

I am sorry you are going through this difficult time right now.
This is a tough situation for sure and only the 2 of you can know if it's right for you to get married.

Have you considered moving out and continue to date your bf but live apart?
This way you give him time to think about your relationship but are not living with him so are no longer acting married.
I mean, for all intents and purposes you guys are playing at being married and have been doing so for a long while so if you are ready and he seems nowhere near ready well, then let him live by himself and really be not married and just dating. After all, he has all the convenience and has to make none of the committment so let's shake things up a bit and give him pause for thought.

And I am definitely not saying to take a break from the relationship at all. Just stop living together since he is not ready to commit because living together is a promise of a committment IMO.

My heart goes out to you and I am sending all my good vibes your way.

Best wishes and hugs!
Missy
 
Well there is nothing more for you to do but be patient, I would let him know that you have a timeline in your mind on when you would like to be married. I would then leave it at that. At that point, it is important for you to decide what you want and what is good for you. I would wait and see if he appears to be moving in the direction you like. But I would honestly think that if he doesn''t seem to be wanting marriage and you do, then it may be best to move on. You deserve to have what you want for yourself- marriage, kids, dogs, house, whatever. And if he doesn''t want those same things, move on. I know you love him but love yourself more. There is no need to put yourself through more years of waiting and waiting. No need to subject yourself to disappointments.
 
Date: 7/24/2008 2:49:35 AM
Author: trillionaire
Just a thought... If he is buying a place, you could consider maintaining your own residence while he moves into his new house. You might gain some space and autonomy, and absence can make the heart grow fonder! Could be he realizes how unbelievably badly he WANTS you there.
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This is what I would do.
 
Ladies, there have been plenty of threads about age and length of relationship, so I don''t think this is the thread to bring this up. The OP isn''t asking whether we think she''s old enough to get married or if it''s the right thing to marry her HS sweetheart... She''s asking for advice on how to deal with an impasse in her relationship.

msmit - Since you know that nagging doesn''t work, you have to try a new approach.
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Do you have timeframes in mind for engagement and marriage (ie: engaged by summer ''09 and married by summer ''10)? If you do, I would advise to sit down with your bf, tell him about them and ask him if you could make it work together. Try to work on a compromise. If marriage is a priority for you and you are not willing to stay in a relationship without marriage, he should be made aware of it.

Good luck!
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Date: 7/23/2008 4:15:09 PM
Author: elledizzy5



It sounds to me like he''s not even remotely close to wanting marriage, if you want my honest opinion. If that''s not OK with you, maybe you should consider moving on. It''s pretty rare that a guy goes from ''No Way'' to ''Be my Wife'' in a few months.


Guys are black and white. Stop trying to read between the lines, if he says he''s not thinking about it -- well, he isnt.
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I''m sorry, but I have to totally disagree with this. I am not sure that this is advice that applies to everyone. I know in my situation that my guy is not black and white AT ALL. He has insecurities, complexities, everything that I have... Who knows if there are other things in the relationship that makes msmit001 think that they are both ready? This is something that her SO needs to really talk to her and break down with her. Together. Just saying "I''m not ready" seems like just a cover for something else he could be thinking.

Why not tell him you are thinking of setting a deadline with the relationship? It will really express really how important something like marriage is to you. I am a firm believer in talking. So what if it turns into a fight? Work through the tears and anger to get to the bottom of what''s going on. Hopefully this helps..
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He doesn''t want to get married. Maybe he doesn''t want to get married YET. Maybe he doesn''t want to get married to YOU. And maybe, because he was a kid when you started dating, he doesn''t want to get married to YOU without first getting the chance to play the field a bit, see what''s out there.

Now, the chances of him telling you which of these three things it is are probably slim.

But you do have two valuable pieces of information: YOU want to get married and HE doesn''t.

So, it is time to MOVE OUT!

Seriously. You are miserable. He is now miserable. Together you are ruining your relationship. There is no end in sight. So move out, take a breather, move on with your life, and let him figure out what he wants. You''ll end up together if that''s what he wants too. In the meantime, you can be a full person and like yourself again.

The idea that you should just ''be patient'' is just not going to work, partly because it''s pretty likely that he doesn''t want to marry YET (as in, within the next 5 years) or he doesn''t want to marry YOU. And, because, totally understandably, you''ve been patient long enough and enough is enough. You''re driving the both of you crazy. Being ''patient'' ain''t gonna work!

So please, do yourself and him a favour and move out. Lead your own life. Doesn''t mean you have to break up. Just get some distance and hence get your dignity back! THat''s the fastest way to get clear on the situation and not just let it drag on.
 
Date: 7/27/2008 4:45:45 PM
Author: IloveAsschers13
Date: 7/23/2008 4:15:09 PM

Author: elledizzy5




It sounds to me like he''s not even remotely close to wanting marriage, if you want my honest opinion. If that''s not OK with you, maybe you should consider moving on. It''s pretty rare that a guy goes from ''No Way'' to ''Be my Wife'' in a few months.



Guys are black and white. Stop trying to read between the lines, if he says he''s not thinking about it -- well, he isnt.
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I''m sorry, but I have to totally disagree with this. I am not sure that this is advice that applies to everyone. I know in my situation that my guy is not black and white AT ALL. He has insecurities, complexities, everything that I have... Who knows if there are other things in the relationship that makes msmit001 think that they are both ready? This is something that her SO needs to really talk to her and break down with her. Together. Just saying ''I''m not ready'' seems like just a cover for something else he could be thinking.


Why not tell him you are thinking of setting a deadline with the relationship? It will really express really how important something like marriage is to you. I am a firm believer in talking. So what if it turns into a fight? Work through the tears and anger to get to the bottom of what''s going on. Hopefully this helps..
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Click to expand...


That''s fine if you disagree with that, but in my experience, guys don''t have all these crazy thoughts running through their heads that need dissecting. Not to say they don''t have insecurities or concerns. Most guys get what they want when they want it. If a guy wants to marry you, he''s going to ask when he''s ready.

I just notice that a lot of women tend to psycho-analyze their men, and it''s a round-about way of making excuses. "Well, XXX happened, so that was super hard on him, and thats why he''s being closed off, doesnt want to discuss marriage with me, etc, etc." Typically, in my experience, men say what they feel, or show you by behavior. That''s not to say that men aren''t "deep" they''re just more blatant.

The worst thing in the WORLD could happen to my BF, and that''s not going to change the fact that he wants to marry me. No dissection needed.
 
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