New poster: Going on EIGHT YEARS! What gives????

[princesss]

Ditto Indy.

Leave. Honestly, if you staying and hoping is making you miserable, leaving will hurt more for a little while, and less over time.

You guys are so young, and you''re not on the same page. There''s really no use in staying together if you''re not on the same page or will be soon. If you guys have had a serious, calm, rational talk about marriage and when both of you will be ready and he won''t be ready on a time line you''re comfortable with...leave.

As for if you should have a time line that you don''t tell him about...sure. As long as you''ve had a serious discussion about where you both are in terms of marriage, I think it''s fine. If you tell him about it, he may feel threatened or blackmailed into proposing. If you''d discussed marriage and you think, "If he doesn''t change his mind in x months, I''m done," I think that''s fine.

I''m sorry you''re going through all of this. *hugs*

 

[purrfectpear]

It''s interesting that several of you are looking at the length of the relationship and saying move out.

I''m usually the first to say "wake up and smell the coffee honey" but they have only been out of school for two years? Personally I''d have the talk and give it a bit more time.

There are PS''rs on here with 8 to 10 year ADULT relationships that boggle my mind when the women post "he won''t commit" and everyone says "stay, he''ll come around"

 

[princesss]

I don''t know about everybody, but I''m not looking at length. I''m looking at age (and I''m 22 and saying this) and how happy the OP is saying she is. She''s miserable, she doesn''t recognize herself, they''re not on the same page, and she''s not sure he''ll be ready. Ever.

That being the case, I''m giving the OP the same advice I''d give my friends, and the advice I''d hope they would give me. Leave and find something or somebody that makes you happy. Stop being miserable when you can avoid it.

 

[Independent Gal]

I'm not saying OP needs to break up, just move out. Whether or not breaking up is the right thing will rapidly become clear thereafter!

And for me, the age/ length of time thing is significant partly because, while this is definitely not true of ALL guys, for some guys (and frankly plenty of girls too), the idea of only ever being with one woman would feel like a profound disappointment. They have to miss out on playing the field, being a 'guy', spreading their wild oats, exploring different options. So, one possible thing he's thinking is :

"I love her, I'd totally marry her, but then I'd spend the rest of my life wishing I'd tried a few more flavours of relationship, experienced a few more things, been a single man."

It's like realizing you can only ever live in one city for your whole life.

This isn't necessarily what he's thinking, but it very well might be! I know soooo many people (guys and girls) who have talked EXPLICITLY about their first relationships this way. So I think it must be a pretty common sentiment.

 

[wishful]

Date: 7/23/2008 4:36:49 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 7/23/2008 4:32:03 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007

Have you talked to him about getting married? How long are you willing to wait? Personally, 8 years is far too long to put your life on hold for something that might not be and maybe you should explore dating other people. I vote for having a real, adult conversation about marriage and where your lives are going and then go from there. If he makes excuses then I say ''he''s just not that into you'' and cut your losses now. If you''re on the same page then start planning! Good luck!

I hear you on this but I still stick to my its not really all that long feeling. He was 16 when they started dating. Most people feel that after 3 years you should know. Well, after 3 years he was barely 19 not even a legal adult yet.

I think he needs to be given some slack to be honest.

I totally agree with you fieryred - even though technically it''s been 8 years - many of those 8 years were when you guys were too young to be thinking about marriage.

Also I hate to say this but I will from experience in a prior relationship...sometimes (and maybe not in your case - but sometimes) men like to feel like they''ve gone out and sowed their wild oats a bit. Part of what he might be feeling is "I''ve been with this one girl for 8 years and I really haven''t had a chance to see what else there is out there! Am I really ready to just settle down with this one woman potentially forever with out really having gotten to do that?"
Please don''t take offense...I''m just throwing it out there as a possibilty from his standpoint. Only b/c I''ve seen it in one of my own relationship and in some friends of mine.

 

[wishful]

Date: 7/28/2008 7:55:23 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I''m not saying OP needs to break up, just move out. Whether or not breaking up is the right thing will rapidly become clear thereafter!

And for me, the age/ length of time thing is significant partly because, while this is definitely not true of ALL guys, for some guys (and frankly plenty of girls too), the idea of only ever being with one woman would feel like a profound disappointment. They have to miss out on playing the field, being a ''guy'', spreading their wild oats, exploring different options. So, one possible thing he''s thinking is :

''I love her, I''d totally marry her, but then I''d spend the rest of my life wishing I''d tried a few more flavours of relationship, experienced a few more things, been a single man.''

It''s like realizing you can only ever live in one city for your whole life.

This isn''t necessarily what he''s thinking, but it very well might be! I know soooo many people (guys and girls) who have talked EXPLICITLY about their first relationships this way. So I think it must be a pretty common sentiment.

And I Ditto this too.

 

[ringless]

(edited to save any arugments!)
Everyone has different circumstances, yes, sometimes people change and go their different ways and yes, sometimes couples remain in that comfort stage, but everyone's relationships are different and a lot do work out! Lets all stay positive and hope that msmit001's future marriage WILL work out as well as other PS'ers on here who are planning to marry their high school sweethearts!

msmit001

I know how it feels to have some resentment, a lot of us do, but try to focus on the NOW and enjoy your life. I agree with other's... go out and enjoy life, do things that will keep your mind off being engaged for a while. I'm trying this myself and the wait seems to get more easier each passing day...

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 7/23/2008 4:18:07 PM
Author: jcarlylew
im so sorry you feel that way. and to not be able to have the boyf understand can make it worse (thats why you have us!)


IME (experience) i think they become more ready when they are seriously about buying a house. case in point: my best friend. They to were hs sweethearts, lived in a condo and were getting ready to buy a house. She didnt think and engagement would happen anytime soon since they just bought a house (mid oct i want to say). Christmas day she got a BIG surprise.


to me, i hate that they want to buy a house FIRST. ugh. how many couples start off in an apartment? thousands, if not millions. My boyf is talking about getting a house too. I''m putting my foot down and saying im not putting my name on a loan unless there is a ring on my finger. there is no rule saying you have to have a house.


the best advice i can offer is to go out with GFs, vent on PS and talk to your guy.

ha, jcarlylew, this is exactly the situation i am in now. and here i am, with no ring, while he is living in the house he just bought... without me. not a good sign. i wanted the ring before the house, but to him the house was a priority. it''s only been a month but I''m getting restless waiting! my bday has come and gone... our anniversary has come and gone... still no proposal. he keeps saying he''s not gonna let me down but he kinda already has :-/

Ahhh.. it''s just nice to kinda vent.

 

[radiantquest]

i know exactly how you feel, well maybe not exactly, i have been waiting for over a year and i get so frustrated that he cannot appreciate the way i feel about it. you are not alone. i have also been through the nagging and pestering and i also know that it is so hard.
i received some advice from a coworker and that is that the more i "force" it the more he is going to pull away. he needs to feel that it is not something you are totally expecting. almost no man will get a ring for you and give it to you with you pestering the whole way. i understand your "ugliness" i get it too. i am currently trying to just keep my mouth shut about it and see how that works for me. good luck to you.

 

[Diamond Confused]

As archaic as this may sound I think that living with someone before marriage is a mistake. As the old saying goes "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" Once he has you there playing the role of a wife what does he need further commitment for? I have always been adamently opposed to living with a man. As drastic as this may sound, set a deadline and if he doesn't propose by then move out. Don't end the relationship, just don't make it so easy for him. PS I'm not judging you, moved in with my BF and am now in the same situation.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 7/25/2008 11:13:50 AM
Author: Starset Princess

Date: 7/24/2008 2:49:35 AM

Author: trillionaire

Just a thought... If he is buying a place, you could consider maintaining your own residence while he moves into his new house. You might gain some space and autonomy, and absence can make the heart grow fonder! Could be he realizes how unbelievably badly he WANTS you there.

This is what I would do.

It's very hard to move out after moving in...I was in this situation myself, I had to move out and to be honest, I've not ever really gotten over that experience - although I have (really) gotten over the guy!

Withdrawing commitment like that, by moving out, and still having a 'relationship' is harder than it sounds. Much harder than it sounds. Well, it was for me, anyway.


If you really mean it when you say you want to marry him - do YOU really want to get married?!! To him?? - if you genuinely do want to marry him, you probably should take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride... unfortunately! Relax, and try to be passive about it, is my advice.


all the best, hey

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/3/2008 1:50:40 AM
Author: Diamond Confused

As archaic as this may sound I think that living with someone before marriage is a mistake. As the old saying goes ''why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'' Once he has you there playing the role of a wife what does he need further commitment for? I have always been adamently opposed to living with a man. As drastic as this may sound, set a deadline and if he doesn''t propose by then move out. Don''t end the relationship, just don''t make it so easy for him. PS I''m not judging you, moved in with my BF and am now in the same situation.

I usually hate piping in on topics like this because I do know people that have lived together and gotten married (not a ton miind you... )... Anyways I have to agree with this. I have lived with FIVE guys in my dating career if you can believe that. 1 of them wanted to marry me but I felt I was too young (and I only moved in with him for rent reasons), the other two serious ones the guys said they wanted to get married but once we were living together it was easy to not move in that direction.

I don''t live with my FI now, we''re going to move in together after the wedding. We''d live together now but moving our stuff is too much stress with the wedding coming up in 2 months (he lvies a block away). Anyways my point is I decided NOT to live with anyone again until I was engaged. I let my FI know that in advance when we were dating. I have to say that worked out pretty well! I was tired of semi-commited living together situations.

I have to add also that moving out once you live with someone is EXTREMELY hard... and generally can signify the end of the relationship. Ditto, PurrfectPear... I''d probably have the ''talk'' and see how that sits with him.