not giving a crap about your own kids....RANT

[~*Alexis*~]

Ok I do not post often but i feel like today I have had it and I need to vent before I give myself an aneurysm.

back story:

My FFI and I live together and I have two great step kids. They mean to world to me and I help them in every aspect of their lives. Homework, concerts, tests, clothes, belt test for their TKD and I have been to everything they have had. I have never missed a damn thing.

There have been issues with the kids BM and I usually just vent to FFI and I stay out of any conflicts they have even though I think she is a person who should have never had children. She misses appointments, games, tests, school functions and a majority of things that any mother would never miss. "because she is busy". I just keep my mouth shut and act like she does not get under my skin even though most of the time I want to hit her in the face so hard her head caves in, although be that as it may, its is just a thought that I would never act upon.

Even though it would make me feel so much better!

She has constantly complained that she has no money (she is in real estate and has another PT job in which she gets 2-3k a mo)...The laziest REA I have ever met btw.... We have 50/50 custody and we pay her 4 figures a month in CS even though we have a Separation agreement that states we also have to pay 80% of all expenses. She does not even pay her 20 so we nearly pay all expenses for the kids.

Well she has a BF that lives with her and the kids have stated they do no like him and they are mean to him and they do not want him to be around them and whatnot...her bf also has 3 kids every other week and the kids have had a hard time adjusting to them being there. Its been a year they have all lived together.

Well, today her and her BF just got back from Vegas (even though they both complain they have no $$) only to find out....drum roll please....they went and got married. Needless to say...she did not tell the kids nor did he tell his kids before they did it. His kids hate her and "our" kids hate him. There was no mention of it before they left and now the kids are upset. They do not want him as a step father nor in their lives at all. They are both extremely upset. I do not blame them. She has extremely selfish and has stated before in front of everyone at a basketball game..."I dont care what you want cuz that is the step father you are getting".

How can you really not give a $#!* about your kids that much that you really do not care??!!!?????

Plus when I heard this...as an LIW....I was not happy either....because he thinks I have absolutly nothing to be upset about (as far as their marriage not about not telling the kids) I have given up and sacrificed more for this man than any woman should. I moved, gave up my dog..etc...its not about the sacrifices as it is about the fact that I know now that a ring will be even farther off because he wants the kids to adjust to this new marriage now and not even THINK about me or our relationship. We are going on 2 years and I was really hoping that we would have a ring by years end. It is not looking good for us as far as a ring or a date. I feel like I deserve a ring and I have worked my @$$ off for this family and have put in my time and effort and I love this man with all my heart and soul as well as his kids and now I feel like this whole situation is a complete slap in the face and a stab in the heart. we are not even close to getting married now, and before everyone jumps down my throat....I do understand his kids come first, that has always been my philosophy as well. I do not want his kids to suffer for their mothers lack of better judgment and for her lack of giving a sh*% about her kids.

So I turn to you all for advice because this probably make me feel like whiny brat and sounds selfish (for the last part) but at the same time I am extremely PISSED OFF at her for her lack of attention to how her own kids feel about him and her situation.

Ok....rant over.....for now........

 

[sugarjo]

Dear A,
I''m so sorry to hear about your situation. I really sounds like your first concern is with the kids. Your FF''s ex and new hubby sounds a lot like my Dad and his *&^%###$%& wife. If it is any help, know that these kids will grow up to know what their mother did, and appreciate the love and time that you and your FF have given them. Children are very resilient, yes, but they know when a parent doesn''t give them the affection and consideration that they desire.
Be patient, your FF sounds like a wonderful father, and when he is more secure with his kid''s happiness and security, you will be standing by, and he will only love you more for it.
Good Luck
J

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Being that you love those kids, it is probably extremely hard for you to be on the virtual outside looking in. But you need to understand, for what it''s worth, you cannot direct anyone on how to raise their children--nor decide what they should feel is important.

I have many friends who have children of their own. I often times get frusterated at what they are teaching their kids, or how they are rasing them, or even handling situations. But, thats not my place...and it''s not yours either. It''s wonderful that you are there 100% of your BF''s children. Showing up is half the battle. I am sure that it means a lot your man, and to the kids. But if you''re finding yourself getting so-so-so mad over the injustice of being unmarried and raising his kids and making sacrafices without a firm commitment, prehaps you need to take an emotional step back. They aren''t your kids, and that isn''t being said to be harsh. But if, for some unseen reason, things between you and your BF didn''t work out...you''d walk away triplely broken hearted. It''s okay to love the kids...its a natural thing to love children that are from a man you love...but if you''re not feeling like you''re getting the most you can out of things, then, think of yourself first.

As far as the BM getting married to a man the kids dislike...oh well. I am a firm believer that children need 2 strong parents, and anyone else who wants to help out along the way is icing on the cake. If you BF is highly involved with the children, then thats the only father they need...and their mothers new husband can be just that...their mother''s husband. Its insane to believe that every child is going to get along perfectly well with a new "parent subsitute"...in a perfect world, maybe, but in actuality, it may take some time. Unless he''s some pervert, I think your BF and you both need to keep your personal feelings quiet...and the kids will more than likely work their issues out with kindness and understanding and most importantly, time.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/7/2008 6:56:45 PM
Author:~*Alexis*~
Ok I do not post often but i feel like today I have had it and I need to vent before I give myself an aneurysm.


back story:


My FFI and I live together and I have two great step kids. They mean to world to me and I help them in every aspect of their lives. Homework, concerts, tests, clothes, belt test for their TKD and I have been to everything they have had. I have never missed a damn thing.


There have been issues with the kids BM and I usually just vent to FFI and I stay out of any conflicts they have even though I think she is a person who should have never had children. She misses appointments, games, tests, school functions and a majority of things that any mother would never miss. ''because she is busy''. I just keep my mouth shut and act like she does not get under my skin even though most of the time I want to hit her in the face so hard her head caves in, although be that as it may, its is just a thought that I would never act upon.

Even though it would make me feel so much better!

She has constantly complained that she has no money (she is in real estate and has another PT job in which she gets 2-3k a mo)...The laziest REA I have ever met btw.... We have 50/50 custody and we pay her 4 figures a month in CS even though we have a Separation agreement that states we also have to pay 80% of all expenses. She does not even pay her 20 so we nearly pay all expenses for the kids.


Well she has a BF that lives with her and the kids have stated they do no like him and they are mean to him and they do not want him to be around them and whatnot...her bf also has 3 kids every other week and the kids have had a hard time adjusting to them being there. Its been a year they have all lived together.


Well, today her and her BF just got back from Vegas (even though they both complain they have no $$) only to find out....drum roll please....they went and got married. Needless to say...she did not tell the kids nor did he tell his kids before they did it. His kids hate her and ''our'' kids hate him. There was no mention of it before they left and now the kids are upset. They do not want him as a step father nor in their lives at all. They are both extremely upset. I do not blame them. She has extremely selfish and has stated before in front of everyone at a basketball game...''I dont care what you want cuz that is the step father you are getting''.

How can you really not give a $#!* about your kids that much that you really do not care??!!!?????


Plus when I heard this...as an LIW....I was not happy either....because he thinks I have absolutly nothing to be upset about (as far as their marriage not about not telling the kids) I have given up and sacrificed more for this man than any woman should. I moved, gave up my dog..etc...its not about the sacrifices as it is about the fact that I know now that a ring will be even farther off because he wants the kids to adjust to this new marriage now and not even THINK about me or our relationship. We are going on 2 years and I was really hoping that we would have a ring by years end. It is not looking good for us as far as a ring or a date. I feel like I deserve a ring and I have worked my @$$ off for this family and have put in my time and effort and I love this man with all my heart and soul as well as his kids and now I feel like this whole situation is a complete slap in the face and a stab in the heart. we are not even close to getting married now, and before everyone jumps down my throat....I do understand his kids come first, that has always been my philosophy as well. I do not want his kids to suffer for their mothers lack of better judgment and for her lack of giving a sh*% about her kids.

So I turn to you all for advice because this probably make me feel like whiny brat and sounds selfish (for the last part) but at the same time I am extremely PISSED OFF at her for her lack of attention to how her own kids feel about him and her situation.


Ok....rant over.....for now........

Even if I wasn''t ideologically pro-choice, I would be forced to be, because SOME PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER HAVE CHILDREN. I mean, never.

Anyway, I feel for you. Take care of the babies, be the bigger person. Maybe they will get divorced...

 

[blondebunny]

1. I feel really bad for you, I dont know what I would do in your situation...

2. Okay this is just an idea... BUT have you thought about ya''ll having full custody of the children and letting the mom see the kids on the weekends??? To ME, it seems as if they might not be getting the attention they need, let alone deserve, which can do alot to effect the children later on in life... trust me I know, been there...

I mean you wouldnt have to give her child support ( I mean you have no idea what they are doing with it really ya know??? Are they even spending it on the kids?? Doesnt sound like it at all....)

There could be a lot of other factors that could affect the kids...

Ive seen it first hand (my mother got remarried and I love my stepdad, but it was a REALLY hard adjustment because I was used to having all of my moms attention, and lost it and it was hard, and I was 15... and I cant imagine these kids, im sure they are young, and thats just not good)

I mean if she has no money ever, is she giving them a good meal every day?? like healthy wise ya know??

I dunno I dont know what to tell you, but that is hard, you DEFINITELY deserve a ring IMO! Goodluck!

 

[Hera]

I think you should continue with your plans to get engaged by the end of the year as I tend to think that children are pretty resilient and you''re already living there anyways.

 

[ladypirate]

Since she has remarried, is she still entitled to child support? You should check--I believe it depends on the state.

I''m sorry you''re going through this. I think the most important thing you can do right now is be there for the kids and let your FFI know how this is affecting you. Just because she got married doesn''t mean you two shouldn''t. Are you planning on adopting his kids when you do get married?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 9/7/2008 11:28:26 PM
Author: ladypirate
Since she has remarried, is she still entitled to child support? You should check--I believe it depends on the state.

I''m sorry you''re going through this. I think the most important thing you can do right now is be there for the kids and let your FFI know how this is affecting you. Just because she got married doesn''t mean you two shouldn''t. Are you planning on adopting his kids when you do get married?

She is entitled to child support until the child/ren is 18...or beyond, if he wishes.

Alimony could cease if it was part of the agreement...if they were even married.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 9/7/2008 11:50:50 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 9/7/2008 11:28:26 PM

Author: ladypirate

Since she has remarried, is she still entitled to child support? You should check--I believe it depends on the state.


I''m sorry you''re going through this. I think the most important thing you can do right now is be there for the kids and let your FFI know how this is affecting you. Just because she got married doesn''t mean you two shouldn''t. Are you planning on adopting his kids when you do get married?

She is entitled to child support until the child/ren is 18...or beyond, if he wishes.


Alimony could cease if it was part of the agreement...if they were even married.

You''re right--I was thinking of Alimony. Sorry about that.

Have you two considered taking full custody of the kids? It sounds like she doesn''t even want them around.

 

[purrfectpear]

This is between their father and their mother. Period.

If you think the mom''s remarriage has affected your future engagement, then your beef is with the kid''s dad. In your story you sort of brought up your disapproval of everything but the kitchen sink, but mostly what I read was you''re irritated that your relationship with this guy isn''t going the way you planned

Sounds like you need to discuss with him.

 

[bee*]

Hi Alexis, haven''t seen you on here in a while

I think that you definitely need to talk to your man. Why should your engagement be put off due to the children''s mother marrying? There is no reason for that to happen. It sounds like you''re being a great role model to your FF''s children.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

The major issue I have is not with their father, it is with their mother. She does not care about her kids the way she should. She gets what she wants when she wants it and does not care what anyone, let alone her kids think. She has to have all the attention on her and makes a big production about anything that has to do with her. NOT her children, but HER. Its selfish and its actually sad in a nauseating way.

For the record, the eldest child has autism. he does not like change, he does not like her now husband and never has. He does have a previous assault charge on him for hitting his first wife. His kids hate her and visa versa. She resents his kids (all except the little one who is 5).

At this point, like I have said, my concern is with the kids and not with my relationship with FFI. Although, as an LIW, I was upset. Understandably so. I have worked very hard in this relationship and I will continue to do so at whatever cost. We did have a discussion last night and I told him why I felt theway I did and he said it was stupid for me to feel that way and their relationship has nothing to do with ours. Typical man response and I knew thats the response I was going to get anyways.

As far as the custody, she would never give up custody and a judge would not see this act as something to take custody over. We have however, kept a log of her violations of her seperation agreement and conversations we have had with the kids over the last year. Since November of last year she has voilated her seperation agreement 36 times. Things like no notification of school changes, failure to contact us for first option with the kids and leaving them with her boyfriend and telling the kids that they were not allow to talk about things that happened in her house because the "bad people" would come take them away and no one would see them ever again.

So you can see my frustration and my concern is with these kids and not necessarily with FFI. She infuriorates me.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Even after reading your last justification, my original post still stands.

I have to take your opinion of her lightly, since she''s the ex and you''re the newbie. There is a long standing history of exs and new girlfriends NOT getting along. However, I am sure a lot of what you said is true, I am sure she rubs you the wrong the way...and probably vice versa is true as well. But, that is those childrens mother. And I believe that the best thing you can do for those children is help nuture a really positive relationship between all 4 of you. No matter how much the kids enjoy your company, that is their mother, and ergo she will always have their loyality, even when she makes selfish choices, in the end, they will always love her more. So by stepping up and helping to highlight the positive, for all parties involved, you''re not only being the bigger person, but helping to create a strong family unit.

I know, if you take my advice, it will be much harder done than said. There is a part of you, by human nature and the nature of your relationship with her, that wants to dislike her. And there is no way to fully let go of your anger in an instant. But if you make a vow to take baby steps towards a friendship based off mutual love for the kids, it may work out better than you ever planned for.

As far as the oldest being special needs...thats a cop out. Yes, he has special needs...yes, he will probably require a larger adjustment period, and more kindness...however, being special needs doesnt mean he is incapable of coming around, or loving. You need to focus on that. On getting him to a good place, and not staying in his angry or uncomfortable place. Right now, you''re wasting time being bitter...time that could be better spent helping him. You love him right? The do the right thing, the best thing for him.

 

[Aloros]

You know, I can see where Italiahaircolor is coming from. Unfortunately, you do have the kids 50-50, and she is going to be around, whether you like her or not. Yes, it appears as if she is making poor choices, and is not taking her kids'' feelings or wellbeing into consideration. I disagree that you should attempt to befriend her. If that''s not what you''re interested in, then I don''t see it as necessary. It''s your FF''s job to deal with her, not yours.

You really can''t do much about the choices she makes. She chooses to be a poor role model, she''s still mom, and that''s her decision to make. You can''t change her. Her kids will probably still love her. Let them decide how they feel about their mom, whether it''s good or bad, and try not to take a side either way.

I have a stepson-to-be who lives full-time with his dad and I. His mother, by her choices, is not very much in the picture. She rarely, if ever, sees him, sometimes calls him, never goes to his events. The kid still loves her and wants her around. Even though I think she''s a rather sad excuse for a parent, I will NEVER EVER voice that. What''s the point of getting angry, anyway? In the end, I''m the one that''s there for him, I''m the one that takes him to his first day of school, I''m the one that''s there cheering him on at his soccer games. She''s missing out on all these wonderful moments in his life. Her loss. And stepson-to-be (and it breaks my heart to see him so sad) is starting to realize that she''s just not reliable.

Try not to get upset about the things that you can''t change. I know it sucks when the kids have to suffer for her poor choices, but the best thing you can do is just to be their rock. And try not to let it affect your relationship with your FF. That should be a separate thing entirely.

 

[vita*dolce]

Alexis -- you mentioned in your second post that her husband was arrested for domestic violence -- that makes me really nervous! you need to keep your eyes on your ffi''s kids and make sure he''s not touching them! i''m shocked that she would endanger them in that way. hopefully he won''t do anything to hurt them, but it seems like a definite possibility!

sorry you''re in such a frustrating situation, but it would be best for the kids if you try to put on your happy face with her. i know that''s probably easier said than done, good luck!

 

[musey]

Date: 9/8/2008 11:09:12 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Even after reading your last justification, my original post still stands.

I have to take your opinion of her lightly, since she''s the ex and you''re the newbie. There is a long standing history of exs and new girlfriends NOT getting along. However, I am sure a lot of what you said is true, I am sure she rubs you the wrong the way...and probably vice versa is true as well. But, that is those childrens mother. And I believe that the best thing you can do for those children is help nuture a really positive relationship between all 4 of you. No matter how much the kids enjoy your company, that is their mother, and ergo she will always have their loyality, even when she makes selfish choices, in the end, they will always love her more. So by stepping up and helping to highlight the positive, for all parties involved, you''re not only being the bigger person, but helping to create a strong family unit.

I know, if you take my advice, it will be much harder done than said. There is a part of you, by human nature and the nature of your relationship with her, that wants to dislike her. And there is no way to fully let go of your anger in an instant. But if you make a vow to take baby steps towards a friendship based off mutual love for the kids, it may work out better than you ever planned for.

As far as the oldest being special needs...thats a cop out. Yes, he has special needs...yes, he will probably require a larger adjustment period, and more kindness...however, being special needs doesnt mean he is incapable of coming around, or loving. You need to focus on that. On getting him to a good place, and not staying in his angry or uncomfortable place. Right now, you''re wasting time being bitter...time that could be better spent helping him. You love him right? The do the right thing, the best thing for him.

DITTO everything Italia said (including her first post).

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 9/8/2008 9:57:05 PM
Author: musey

Date: 9/8/2008 11:09:12 AM

Author: Italiahaircolor

Even after reading your last justification, my original post still stands.


I have to take your opinion of her lightly, since she''s the ex and you''re the newbie. There is a long standing history of exs and new girlfriends NOT getting along. However, I am sure a lot of what you said is true, I am sure she rubs you the wrong the way...and probably vice versa is true as well. But, that is those childrens mother. And I believe that the best thing you can do for those children is help nuture a really positive relationship between all 4 of you. No matter how much the kids enjoy your company, that is their mother, and ergo she will always have their loyality, even when she makes selfish choices, in the end, they will always love her more. So by stepping up and helping to highlight the positive, for all parties involved, you''re not only being the bigger person, but helping to create a strong family unit.


I know, if you take my advice, it will be much harder done than said. There is a part of you, by human nature and the nature of your relationship with her, that wants to dislike her. And there is no way to fully let go of your anger in an instant. But if you make a vow to take baby steps towards a friendship based off mutual love for the kids, it may work out better than you ever planned for.


As far as the oldest being special needs...thats a cop out. Yes, he has special needs...yes, he will probably require a larger adjustment period, and more kindness...however, being special needs doesnt mean he is incapable of coming around, or loving. You need to focus on that. On getting him to a good place, and not staying in his angry or uncomfortable place. Right now, you''re wasting time being bitter...time that could be better spent helping him. You love him right? The do the right thing, the best thing for him.

DITTO everything Italia said (including her first post).

Ok first off I dont naturally dislike anyone. I think she should be grateful that there is someone who wants to be there for the kids and whatenot but she does not. Since day one she has bad mouthed the kids about me and told lies to her entire family about me and not to mention her husbands family even though I work very closly with her husbands sister....and she said things that were not true and I had to let her know what was not the case, and these were vary serious issues. I think she is one of those people who is not happy unless the attention is on her/

Second--the fact that you think that having an autistic child is a cop out is morally wrong. Unless you have one to take care of please, and I ask nicely, that you say its a cop out. It is not a cop out. This woman has manipulated a child who sometimes does not understand things that a "normal" child should understand. He is 8 and cannot tie his own shoes, wipe his own rear or have an understanding of what she tells him is wrong. I think you are mistaken. There is no offense taken but I deal with this stereotype on a daily basis and I do feel like it is a little unfair.

Third, tonight we learned she "decided because I am their mother" that she kept all 5 kids home from school because she needed to make sure they were "mentally ok" and she wanted to spend the day with them because she was gone in Vegas for 5 days and didnt get to spend time with them. Plus the other kids had dentist appointments.

These kids last year missed 15 days of school because she "missed them, didn''t get to spend time with them" or some other lame excuses. Both kids were warned by the school district that they would not pass Kindergarten or 2nd grade because they missed so much school if they missed one more day. All of the days missed, but 2 days when one had strep, were because she "felt like it".

I have sucked it up but I still think she is a piece of $%$# mother and she needs to get her own priorities right before she puts those kids in an unfortunate situtation again.

 

[KimberlyH]

At the end of the day she will still be exactly who she is (and it''s hard to judge right from wrong only knowing one side of the story) and if you, Alexis, can''t live with that then this is probably not the best place for you to be, because as a potential llife-partner of their father you will have to deal with this woman (ideally, gracefully) for a long time coming no matter what you think of the decisions she makes. Your anger doesn''t help them, the kids, or you and if you choose this life then you also need to choose to suffer in silence for the sake of these children who have already had their worlds torn apart once and don''t deserve to suffer the aftermath over and over again. I mean this is the kindest way possible: your logic seems reasonable, but it is not meaningful because she will always be their mom, nothing can change that.

 

[Hera]

There''s not much you can do about her being a piece of **** mother if that is what she is. I just hope that you don''t involve the children in these arguments with her. They do not deserve to have their birth mother talked badly about and have them put in the middle. In my opinion that its own form of child abuse. Eventually, they will draw their own conclusions about what they see from her.

I really don''t see what is so wrong with the birth mother and her boyfriend getting married. I agree that it''s an adjustment but it really doesn''t seem that much different than you moving in with your boyfriend which in itself was probably pretty dramatic in the household at that time. Your comment about her being the center of attention and not caring about the kids feelings is a little strange. It sounds pretty normal that they would be upset by their mom getting married and eventually they will understand. Parents can''t really live their lives according to what their children want. Most likely, they ultimately wanted their mom and dad to stay together, but that''s not the way that it works (and a good thing so you could meet your fiance).

I hope you can eventually find some piece about this situation. It sounds like you have taken this very personal and unless you are able to make some serious changes, then you will need to live with it until there is a turning point. Maybe by the children missing school and being pulled back a year, you would be able to take them to court and ask for full custody as the mother is not getting them to school properly.

 

[littlelysser]

Big Ditto to KimberlyH and HereAnderson.

So assuming that everything you''ve said is true, so what? You don''t approve of the manner in which she is raising HER children. I don''t mean to be harsh, but they aren''t your kids. Should you and your BF marry, you will be their step-mother. But as of now, your relationship with them doesn''t really have any legal significance. Unfortunately, other than encourage your boyfriend to try to take away this woman''s right to have custody of her children, there really isn''t anything you can do. And I''ve done a lot of family law - let me tell you, those fights rarely end well. It will pretty much require that all of your lives are put under a microscope.

Just my .02.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 9/8/2008 11:56:59 PM
Author: littlelysser
Big Ditto to KimberlyH and HereAnderson.

So assuming that everything you've said is true, so what? You don't approve of the manner in which she is raising HER children. I don't mean to be harsh, but they aren't your kids. Should you and your BF marry, you will be their step-mother. But as of now, your relationship with them doesn't really have any legal significance. Unfortunately, other than encourage your boyfriend to try to take away this woman's right to have custody of her children, there really isn't anything you can do. And I've done a lot of family law - let me tell you, those fights rarely end well. It will pretty much require that all of your lives are put under a microscope.

Just my .02.

Ditto here too. Custody is the nastiest of all of the battles (in my experience at least) and not something to play with, or speak lightly of.

I really think this kind of boils down to you being upset because it's putting your ring and engagement on hold. I know that it bothers you that she can't take proper care of her children, but everyone is right, they are hers. Unless something major happens where you and your FF can sue for full custody or adopt them, this is going to be the status quo.

(((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you feel so awful about it, I totally understand. My mom is a stepmother to my brothers and it's hard for her to be the "bad guy" sometimes.

But guess what? Those kids have you and FF who love them and would fight for them, and that means the world to them. They may just not know it yet.

 

[cbs102]

Alexis,
I am in a very similar situation as you are... actually, my fiace and i have met with a lawyer to see where we stood. In our eyes, my FI's daughter- who is 4- is being neglected. the mother wants nothing to do with her.. throws her in front of the TV and does her own thing.. she brings new boyfriends in and out of the house ... you see where i am coming from. I can sit here and talk about what a poor example of a parent this girl is but in the end it does not matter. unless the mother is a drug addict or god forbid beats the children you are never going to win this battle. i have learned that i really don't have a leg to stand on either.. because as everyone has stated, that is the childs (or in your case, CHILDREN's) mother. and even though i love this kid and think i know what is best for her.. i am only her step mother. we do the best that we can when we have her and call her every night to let her know that she is loved and being thought of. i am sorry, but i just don't think that you are going to win..unless you have thousands and thousands saved up to battle this B%TCH in court..

that said, i DO NOT agree that your life needs to be put on hold for the childrens sake. your love and your relationship with their father is just as important in your love for the kids. you love his kids.. and that is a huge thing in itself. it is so hard being a step mother when you do not have children of your own. i would absolutly NOT push back your engagement because the mother went ahead and got married. you are obviously a very stable presence in their lives.. if they love you as much as you love them, than i do not see an issue in getting engaged.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 9/8/2008 10:24:22 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~

Date: 9/8/2008 9:57:05 PM
Author: musey

Date: 9/8/2008 11:09:12 AM

Author: Italiahaircolor

Even after reading your last justification, my original post still stands.


I have to take your opinion of her lightly, since she''s the ex and you''re the newbie. There is a long standing history of exs and new girlfriends NOT getting along. However, I am sure a lot of what you said is true, I am sure she rubs you the wrong the way...and probably vice versa is true as well. But, that is those childrens mother. And I believe that the best thing you can do for those children is help nuture a really positive relationship between all 4 of you. No matter how much the kids enjoy your company, that is their mother, and ergo she will always have their loyality, even when she makes selfish choices, in the end, they will always love her more. So by stepping up and helping to highlight the positive, for all parties involved, you''re not only being the bigger person, but helping to create a strong family unit.


I know, if you take my advice, it will be much harder done than said. There is a part of you, by human nature and the nature of your relationship with her, that wants to dislike her. And there is no way to fully let go of your anger in an instant. But if you make a vow to take baby steps towards a friendship based off mutual love for the kids, it may work out better than you ever planned for.


As far as the oldest being special needs...thats a cop out. Yes, he has special needs...yes, he will probably require a larger adjustment period, and more kindness...however, being special needs doesnt mean he is incapable of coming around, or loving. You need to focus on that. On getting him to a good place, and not staying in his angry or uncomfortable place. Right now, you''re wasting time being bitter...time that could be better spent helping him. You love him right? The do the right thing, the best thing for him.

DITTO everything Italia said (including her first post).

Ok first off I dont naturally dislike anyone. I think she should be grateful that there is someone who wants to be there for the kids and whatenot but she does not. Since day one she has bad mouthed the kids about me and told lies to her entire family about me and not to mention her husbands family even though I work very closly with her husbands sister....and she said things that were not true and I had to let her know what was not the case, and these were vary serious issues. I think she is one of those people who is not happy unless the attention is on her/

Second--the fact that you think that having an autistic child is a cop out is morally wrong. Unless you have one to take care of please, and I ask nicely, that you say its a cop out. It is not a cop out. This woman has manipulated a child who sometimes does not understand things that a ''normal'' child should understand. He is 8 and cannot tie his own shoes, wipe his own rear or have an understanding of what she tells him is wrong. I think you are mistaken. There is no offense taken but I deal with this stereotype on a daily basis and I do feel like it is a little unfair.

Third, tonight we learned she ''decided because I am their mother'' that she kept all 5 kids home from school because she needed to make sure they were ''mentally ok'' and she wanted to spend the day with them because she was gone in Vegas for 5 days and didnt get to spend time with them. Plus the other kids had dentist appointments.

These kids last year missed 15 days of school because she ''missed them, didn''t get to spend time with them'' or some other lame excuses. Both kids were warned by the school district that they would not pass Kindergarten or 2nd grade because they missed so much school if they missed one more day. All of the days missed, but 2 days when one had strep, were because she ''felt like it''.

I have sucked it up but I still think she is a piece of $%$# mother and she needs to get her own priorities right before she puts those kids in an unfortunate situtation again.

First and foremost, I never said...nor would ever say...having an autistic child is a cop out. Yes, he has special needs...and I believe whole heartedly that his needs should come first, regardless of who we''re talking about. However, saying that because he''s autistic he will never bond with this man is where I take issue. I simply meant that just because he is autistic doesn''t mean he won''t eventually come around, and you cannot assume that this new marriage will ruin this boys life forever and ergo the BM should never remarry. How would you feel is the situation were reversed? If this child didn''t take to you instantly and therefore were pushed out of your boyfriends life? Adding a new parent to any pre-built family is a tough road...autistic or not. And I also firmly believe that you should be using your advantage to help cultivate a warm relationship within this entire family unit.

As far as the kids missing school...that goes either way. When I was younger, my Mom would let me skip school and we would have these amazingly fun, completely selfish days full of shopping, or movies, or going into Chicago on the train...and those are some of my best memories. Of course, my mother was highly responsible and I never missed even close to 15 days of school in one year...but I can understand why, as a mother, you might miss your kids after a vacation (esspecially one where you got married) and would want some really special time with them. In their family, they just underwent a huge change in the dynamic...and if thats how the BM chooses to reconnect with her family, as so long as no one was put in danger because of it...who cares? How old are the children? How much school are they genuinely missing? I think sometimes you like to look for lions where there are only pussycats. It goes back to my old comment about you wanting to dislike her... I think if this type of behavior becomes more habitual, then your boyfriend, their father, have every right to take issue...be it in court, or with a child advocate.

Are you happy? It seems to be that there cannot be much joy in your life if you''re constantly fighting about this woman and her influence over the kids. You need to really sit back and take stock of everything...because if you''re serious about marrying this man, then you marry this woman as well...because she and her behavior will be a part of your life forever.

 

[vespergirl]

Wow, what an awful situation. It sounds like the mother of those kids has more than a few screws loose - how sad for those children to have a new stepdad that they hate. I have a friend who was in the same situation as you - her boyfriend & his ex-wife were going through an awful custody battle, their kids were spending most of the time at their dad''s house (where she & her boyfriend lived) and the girlfriend was actually the primary caregiver. They were also totally financially supporting the kids. Even though they were together for about 3 years before they became engaged, it eventually did happen, especially when her boyfriend saw who was really mothering those kids, and the kids expressed to him that they would love for my friend to be part of the family. They were very sensitive to the children''s feelings, which it sounds like the mom of your FFI''s kids were not at all.

My advice to you is hang in there, but once the dust settles on this crisis, you should talk to your FFI about a marriage timeline for you. It doesn''t have to be an ultimatum, but if you are very involved with the children''s lives and you guys make a nice family, you can say something along the lines of, "I love you & your kids and would love to make our family official and permanent. We have already been living as a family for 2 years, and I love you & the kids like they''re my own. How would you feel about us getting engaged in teh next year to give the kids a real sense of stability, and to let them know that I''m not going anywhere?" If he resists, I would let it drop for a few weeks, and let him think about it. If he still is resistant to getting married, you could let him know that as much as you want to be a part of his family, you feel disrespected that he is using you as a surrogate mom without making a real commitment to you, and you would like to be engaged by date X, a year from now or whatever. If he seems like he''s still waffling on it, then you should maybe think about moving on, or at least move out & get your own place for a while. At that point, he would probably realize how much he misses you & needs you & propose, but if he doesn''t, then you''re already on track to meet someone who''s excited to start a family with you.

 

[partgypsy]

Alexis, you say that you are upset because this is yet another thing that is bad for ffi and exwife''s kids, but I am concerned by some of your statements.

"I have given up and sacrificed more for this man than any woman should."

"I feel like I deserve a ring and I have worked my @$$ off for this family and have put in my time and effort and I love this man with all my heart and soul as well as his kids and now I feel like this whole situation is a complete slap in the face and a stab in the heart."

"I have worked very hard in this relationship and I will continue to do so at whatever cost."

Why would what his ex-wife did have ANY bearing on when you get engaged? If your future fiance thinks it does, then that is something you need to discuss with him, because I think that is strange, especially as you say you are a more stable influence on the kids. Being more involved with his kids sounds like it would make things better, not worse.

It sounds like you really feel like you invested alot into this relationship, but your interactions with the ex wife is causing alot of stress. You should look at all aspects of your relationship with your future fiance. You can''t take the good parts, but all of it. You need to decide what you can take and not take. If you are taking second place to the ex wife, ask yourself if that is acceptable to you.

Most likely you will have to deal with the ex. However unlike what other people have said, if you want to fight for custody, you can. My little brother has 2 kids with a woman. They never were married, but they shared custody. She was a nightmare, and also the reason why a serious relationship my little brother had many years later fell through. My brother''s girlfriend she could handle the kids, just not the mother of the kids. I never got the full story from my little brother, but it was pretty devastating to him, and he didn''t date or get involved in a relationship for many years after that incident. But, it didn''t get better. Even though he was unwilling to go to court eventually was forced to, and ended up getting full custody of the kids. Now I don''t know if your boyfriend''s ex is at this level (ruled incompetent) but getting custody has made things much better and stable for the kids. If you keep documenting incidents it is worth it for the kids in the end.

 

[TheNextMrsB]

What about your FF? Would he want full custody? Legally, it''s HIS problem, and he would have to have the desire to make a change.

Obviously, excessive school absences and the step-dad''s record are a problem. She seems to have no problem putting the children at risk. And what about telling her children not to talk about the goings on in their home because someone would come and take them away? What IS going on in their home? What about the autistic child? He''s going to have extra needs beyond those of typical children, and I do think she needs to be more sensitive to his emotions, especially. He has an increased level of vulnerability.

All you can do is keep doing what you''re doing. Keep your eyes and ears open, and keep records. Eventually, the children could very well reach a point where they only WANT to live with you and your FF. When my ex boyfriend was about 14, he wanted his father to have full custody, and when the three of them went to court, there wasn''t much his mother could do. She wasn''t doing anything horrible, but she was irresponsible. For example, they were all living off breakfast cereal. Of course, every situation is different, but if the children WANT you and your FF to have sole custody, then that does make it a bit easier. I do think your concern is valid, especially when these children have another, much better living option. Yes, children can bounce back, but that feeling that a parent does not really care about you, is not really concerned with your welfare, could cause a great deal of emotional damage. (Besides the fact that the children are being set up to have trouble in school.)

As far as getting engaged, I wouldn''t rule it out. You''ll just try to have to judge how the children are feeling. Have you talked to them about the idea of you becoming their step-mother? They could be completely turned off to the idea, but if they''re attached to you, it might be fine. It could go either way. I don''t know too much about custody battles, but I imagine that it might be easier to get a favorable ruling if you and your FF are actually married rather than "just" living together.

 

[LaraOnline]

Hmm, let me see, this woman has been attempting to raise two children, one of which has autism, for the past 15 years, some of this time as a single mother.
She has seen her marriage fail and is now trying to get her personal life in order.
This involves taking on the step mothering role to THREE new children, in addition to her own.
She is also holding down two jobs, and trying to get a career up and going, to support herself and her family. No doubt there have been huge changes in her life since her marriage broke down.
You have been on the scene two years.
You're so fresh, no wonder you seem to have the parenting stamina she now lacks!
I wouldn't be so quick to judge, personally. I'm sure she probably does give a crap about her own kids, even if her personal circumstances are making it difficult for her to give them the care they need.
Marriage breakdown does make children vulnerable to less steady lifestyles, it's just a sad fact of life.
I wouldn't make her job harder by criticising her to her teenage children, they (and her) are having a hard enough time as it is.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 9/13/2008 9:47:33 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Hmm, let me see, this woman has been attempting to raise two children, one of which has autism, for the past 15 years, some of this time as a single mother.
She has seen her marriage fail and is now trying to get her personal life in order.
This involves taking on the step mothering role to THREE new children, in addition to her own.
She is also holding down two jobs, and trying to get a career up and going, to support herself and her family. No doubt there have been huge changes in her life since her marriage broke down.
You have been on the scene two years.
You''re so fresh, no wonder you seem to have the parenting stamina she now lacks!
I wouldn''t be so quick to judge, personally. I''m sure she probably does give a crap about her own kids, even if her personal circumstances are making it difficult for her to give them the care they need.
Marriage breakdown does make children vulnerable to less steady lifestyles, it''s just a sad fact of life.
I wouldn''t make her job harder by criticising her to her teenage children, they (and her) are having a hard enough time as it is.

I was going to let this thread just die but felt the need to respond..

First off.... THe children are 6 and 8 years old not teenagers. She has never been a single mother. we have the children 4 days a week and she has 3. We pay child support and are involved in all their activities as well as pay for all of them.
She CHOSE to have her marriage fail by having an affair with this married man (at time they were both married) FFI refused to be with her after that...
She is the type of person who will try something without thinking and then gives up when it doesn''t work when out. She had a job outside of her house but lost it because she "couldn''t stand being told what to do" Her words, not mine.

The other part of the equasion is that she blatently manipulates the kids against their own father. Like next month for example: FFi''s neice is getting married and we told her at the beginning of the year the wedding was at the end of October. She said she was taking the kids camping sometime in oct. FFi said thats fine but not the weekend of the wedding and Halloween. She said fine. She went and booked the campsite for the weekend of the wedding and then stated she was taking the kids "whether we liked it or not" FFI and her argued and then decided to let the kids decide what they wanted to do. She then told them flat out that "its an adult only wedding and kids are not invited" NOT TRUE. He has plenty of neices and nephews who will be there as well as family that will be there from across the country whom he see''s once every couple of years (some of which have never met his kids). She blatenty manipulates them to get what she wants. The youngest was in tears because he wanted to go but "mommy said no". It breaks my heart when she places these kids in those situations.

 

[TravelingGal]

Alexis, you''re pretty young, aren''t you? I know Pricescope time can fly by, but I think you''re early 20''s? Personally, if I were you in this situation, I''d leave the whole mess behind me and focus on having a bit of a carefree life! You''re too young for all this baggage, IMH (and selfish) opinion.

Yeah, I know, I''ll get flamed for saying that. But heck, from "HazMatt" to this? Don''t ya younguns have fun no mo''? Date? Movies n'' popcorn? Innocent stuff? I''m so oldfashioned, I guess...and I''m not even that old. Gah.

(anyway, I hope you find peace in this situation. you''ve been through enough.)

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 9/16/2008 2:07:17 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Alexis, you''re pretty young, aren''t you? I know Pricescope time can fly by, but I think you''re early 20''s? Personally, if I were you in this situation, I''d leave the whole mess behind me and focus on having a bit of a carefree life! You''re too young for all this baggage, IMH (and selfish) opinion.

Yeah, I know, I''ll get flamed for saying that. But heck, from ''HazMatt'' to this? Don''t ya younguns have fun no mo''? Date? Movies n'' popcorn? Innocent stuff? I''m so oldfashioned, I guess...and I''m not even that old. Gah.

(anyway, I hope you find peace in this situation. you''ve been through enough.)

I agree Traveling.

Alexis, you just come off as being very unhappy. Which, if I''m honest, worries me. You''re very young, and this relationship...with it''s baggage...will only become more trying as time goes on.

Truthfully, I don''t even believe you''ve yet to crack the surface of this situation...I think, if you stay, you have a long road ahead of you filled with more hurt, frusteration, and anger. And, from the tone of your posting, you''d rather stew in your misery than work on making it better ... which screams that you''re not totally prepared or mature enough for this undertaking...because from the sounds of it (and based completely on your words, and your story) this whole thing does appear to require someone who is able to set their anger aside and find resolution rather than more conflict.

i wish you the best, and hope for your sake, there is peace to be found...and soon.