not giving a crap about your own kids....RANT

[LaraOnline]

Date: 9/16/2008 2:07:17 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Alexis, you''re pretty young, aren''t you? I know Pricescope time can fly by, but I think you''re early 20''s? Personally, if I were you in this situation, I''d leave the whole mess behind me and focus on having a bit of a carefree life! You''re too young for all this baggage, IMH (and selfish) opinion.


Yeah, I know, I''ll get flamed for saying that. But heck, from ''HazMatt'' to this? Don''t ya younguns have fun no mo''? Date? Movies n'' popcorn? Innocent stuff? I''m so oldfashioned, I guess...and I''m not even that old. Gah.


(anyway, I hope you find peace in this situation. you''ve been through enough.)

yeah, I reckon it''s a pretty heavy trip too. I''m sorry if I misread that the oldest was a teen. But really, it doesn''t have to be your bed. Broken families are messy, and there are lots of hurt feelings all around. I don''t think you''re being as generous as you could be about her - lets face it, her marriage has broken and now she''s working two jobs - but I don''t think the situation is fair on you either. Hey, that''s life...and broken families. There''s not enough hours in the day, even for a well-supported mum! She''s part of your extended family, unfortunately. Perhaps you will have the kids fulltime, and she will miss out. That''s not a happy ending either. Some things are just not easily solved. I''m sorry for you. I knew you''d be angry with my post. I''m sorry. I hope you all make the best of it. Perhaps you could suggest some kind of counselling or other support for the kids mum.

 

[JulieN]

Some of your statements worry me:

...I have two great step kids.
We have 50/50 custody and we pay her 4 figures a month in CS...
...we nearly pay all expenses for the kids.

I have given up and sacrificed more for this man than any woman should. I moved, gave up my dog..etc
I have worked my @$$ off for this family...

but then you say--
we are not even close to getting married now...


The first two are probably factually incorrect. You don't have to great step kids...they're his. Both of you have custody? You pay her CS?

Why would you sacrifice more for a man than any woman should when you aren't even close to getting married? Why are you saying "we" in so many places when the reality is you should be using "he," and "this family" when you should be saying "them?"

 

[cbs102]

Date: 9/16/2008 2:24:46 PM
Author: JulieN
Some of your statements worry me:

...I have two great step kids.
We have 50/50 custody and we pay her 4 figures a month in CS...
...we nearly pay all expenses for the kids.

I have given up and sacrificed more for this man than any woman should. I moved, gave up my dog..etc
I have worked my @$$ off for this family...

but then you say--
we are not even close to getting married now...


The first two are probably factually incorrect. You don''t have to great step kids...they''re his. Both of you have custody? You pay her CS?

Why would you sacrifice more for a man than any woman should when you aren''t even close to getting married? Why are you saying ''we'' in so many places when the reality is you should be using ''he,'' and ''this family'' when you should be saying ''them?''

I think that you are being REALLY harsh on this girl. she lives with her FFI. there is a great possibility that they combine their money.. so in fact she could be helping with those payments. I don''t agree with her doing this... they ARE his children and she should be the one responsible..

I think that we should be praising the OP for how willing she is to be a STEP-MOTHER to these two kids.. who are not her biological children. unless you have ever had to be a childless stepmother, than you have absolutly NO IDEA what it is like.

however, if i were the OP.. and i was in fact living with him, and apparantly living with his children more often than not, and paying for said children out of my own pocket then i would make sure that there was an engagement in the near future. if he is not willing to propose than i suggest you have a serious discussion about you and he and all the sacrifices you have made and all the sacrifices that he has not.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 9/16/2008 3:20:47 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 9/16/2008 2:24:46 PM
Author: JulieN
Some of your statements worry me:

...I have two great step kids.
We have 50/50 custody and we pay her 4 figures a month in CS...
...we nearly pay all expenses for the kids.

I have given up and sacrificed more for this man than any woman should. I moved, gave up my dog..etc
I have worked my @$$ off for this family...

but then you say--
we are not even close to getting married now...


The first two are probably factually incorrect. You don''t have to great step kids...they''re his. Both of you have custody? You pay her CS?

Why would you sacrifice more for a man than any woman should when you aren''t even close to getting married? Why are you saying ''we'' in so many places when the reality is you should be using ''he,'' and ''this family'' when you should be saying ''them?''

I think that you are being REALLY harsh on this girl. she lives with her FFI. there is a great possibility that they combine their money.. so in fact she could be helping with those payments. I don''t agree with her doing this... they ARE his children and she should be the one responsible..

I think that we should be praising the OP for how willing she is to be a STEP-MOTHER to these two kids.. who are not her biological children. unless you have ever had to be a childless stepmother, than you have absolutly NO IDEA what it is like.

however, if i were the OP.. and i was in fact living with him, and apparantly living with his children more often than not, and paying for said children out of my own pocket then i would make sure that there was an engagement in the near future. if he is not willing to propose than i suggest you have a serious discussion about you and he and all the sacrifices you have made and all the sacrifices that he has not.

I disagree with saying people are being "harsh"...

People are being honest with her, after she put her situation out there for us to judge and advise her on.

Harsh, would giving her blind support regardless of the facts. In many ways, all this advice is to protect her from herself. Nothing here is being said with mallace...prehaps its more firm than she''d have hoped for....but the fact is, everyone here has spent their time reading her story, we''ve all marinated on her version of the facts, and are now offering her our absolute best, most heartfelt advice...and that''s considered harsh?

The tone of her replies are very defensive...prehaps she is hearing things she''d rather not. But, in my experience, when you get ultra defensive, it''s because you feel challanged...and I''m happy she''s being challanged... it will prehaps, even if she never admits it, force her to look at other sides of the situation...

 

[cbs102]

Itailian-
i think that it is much easier to offer up "harsh advice" when you have no clue where this person is coming from. I do not think that Julie''s post did offered any advice at all... more like criticizing. I guess that we can only go on what the OP actually says. If she is saying that "they" pay for the CS then who is allowed to say differently. no one knows enough about this situation.

 

[JulieN]

cbs, I didn't want to offer advice. advice is almost never listened to, right?

I only wanted to highlight her statements and get her to see a pattern...better for people to realize those patterns for themselves, I think.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 9/16/2008 4:10:59 PM
Author: JulieN
cbs, I didn''t want to offer advice. advice is almost never listened to, right?

I only wanted to highlight her statements and get her to see a pattern...better for people to realize those patterns for themselves, I think.

yep. i agree with that. adivce rarely is taken on this site. I think that i feel for this girl because i am kinda in a similar situation..my FI has a daughter... but again, he is my FI. i would not be able to deal if there was no commitment from him. I feel for her because obviously she loves her boyfriend and she has taken to his children ... that is wonderful- take it from me.. its NOT EASY! i just think that as a step... girlfriend i guess in her case.. she is the one being put on the back burner and i don''t agree with that. I refused to pay for his daughter. i LOVE the child,. but he and i both agreed that she is his responsibility and he will use his money to pay for her child support, food ect. I think that it keeps things easier.

I do see that she is very defensive, but again.. we as the reader can only go on what the OP has posted...

 

[LaraOnline]

I have to say, I DO feel bad that her engagement is being delayed. I think it unfair, and really an unnecessary sacrifice on her part. I hope her SO appreciates all the effort she takes with his children!
I can really appreciate that aspect of her ''rant'', and I think perhaps the children could even benefit from having their family life stabilise by having her become a ''real'' mum through marriage.
It''s quite likely the birth mother IS awful, but her circumstances since her marriage fell apart - regardless of whether it was all her fault - has probably not been the most wonderful time for her.
If she''s a yuckty person, these times have probably only increased her yuckiness. By a million.
I guess that as a mum though, I felt I deserved a badge of honour after labour alone

, and while motherhood IS rewarding, it is a hard slog at the best of times.
Something that the OP has no doubt discovered for herself!
You can''t just wish the birth mum out of the picture, she''s a relative.
As a mum, I would be very tired of having antagonistic ''rival mums'' (yes, I know they''re not competitive...much) showing me up or questioning my every move. And I guess that cuts both ways for the birth mother and the OP.

I had a friend in a similar situation, with a birth mother who completely fell apart, and was awful. In the end, the situation has resolved somewhat.
The birth mother has stepped back... it''s kind of sad, but not everyone can cope with life perfectly unfortunately.
All the best, OP. I hope your man honours your commitment and involvement with his family, truly I do.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 9/16/2008 8:28:02 PM
Author: LaraOnline
I have to say, I DO feel bad that her engagement is being delayed. I think it unfair, and really an unnecessary sacrifice on her part. I hope her SO appreciates all the effort she takes with his children!
I can really appreciate that aspect of her ''rant'', and I think perhaps the children could even benefit from having their family life stabilise by having her become a ''real'' mum through marriage.
It''s quite likely the birth mother IS awful, but her circumstances since her marriage fell apart - regardless of whether it was all her fault - has probably not been the most wonderful time for her.
If she''s a yuckty person, these times have probably only increased her yuckiness. By a million.
I guess that as a mum though, I felt I deserved a badge of honour after labour alone

, and while motherhood IS rewarding, it is a hard slog at the best of times.
Something that the OP has no doubt discovered for herself!
You can''t just wish the birth mum out of the picture, she''s a relative.
As a mum, I would be very tired of having antagonistic ''rival mums'' (yes, I know they''re not competitive...much) showing me up or questioning my every move. And I guess that cuts both ways for the birth mother and the OP.

I had a friend in a similar situation, with a birth mother who completely fell apart, and was awful. In the end, the situation has resolved somewhat.
The birth mother has stepped back... it''s kind of sad, but not everyone can cope with life perfectly unfortunately.
All the best, OP. I hope your man honours your commitment and involvement with his family, truly I do.

i think that all mother''s should be in reciept of a badge of honour... unless you neglect your children or put your own needs first.. why even have children in the first place?? i am a child of divorce. my mother raised two children on her own with no child support and a very sick child (me). i am all for the single mother and will almost always be on their side... however, i am now dealing with the other side. i now know from experience that being a step mother is one of the hardest things.. i do think a lot of the time about my FIs ex "what is she thinking.. i would never do that... she sucks as a mother". really though, i have no leg to stand on because that is her mother. the step parents always get a bad rap. and it is unfair. the OP clearly loves these children and wants the best for them.. i really applaud her on that because i know how hard it is. all i am saying is that i think we need to give her a little credit.

i do hope that she gets the commitment that she deserves. otherwise i see her being taken advantage of.

 

[Sangrona]

Wow...I hardly ever post and I was looking for a REALLY old post when I found this one. Seriously, who do most of you think you are to talk to anyone on this forum that way? Italianhaircolor, you sound even angrier than OP and it is all under the guise of "being honest".

At what age do we miraculously mature? I am pushing 34 and I am confronted with the same situation as OP. MY FFi and I share a home and bank account and he has primary custody of his autistic 11 year-ol daughter. BM has numerous issues, which absolutely led to the demise of their marriage (cheating and telling him that she needed half of their bank account to pay for her wedding, SHE was IN LOVE!).

Long story short, she never re-married (he refused to leave his wife!). I spend my days thinking of fun things for our family to do. Yes, I said, OUR family. I nurse her colds, I take her to school and dr. appointments, I plan fantastic family vacations and supervise girl scout events. BM forgets to pick her up on her weekends and I have to leave work to rush to school and get her only to have some mentally unstable piece of trash yell at me that she would have remembered eventually and picked her up. BM forgets to put sunscreen on SD and returns her back bright red and blistered, so I have to call her pediatrician and get a prescription for numbing cream to ease her pain. This is OUR family.

At what point do we admit defeat and say all we can do is keep protecting the people we love?

Alexis, all you can do is stay strong and continue to be a rock for both your FFi and step-kids. Just keep reminding them that you love them no matter what. Hopefully, your FFi will soon see that he can''t control his ex and that she is attempting to control him with all the instability and neurosis. It only works if he allows it. I am very fortunate that my FFi has seen how his ex manipulates his daughter and he really supports me. We had some really rough weeks some months ago, but now I really feel that things are on an upswing.

More important than your wedding, is your marriage. You really need to find some support groups for other Step Parents in your position. And you need to continue to document everything that happens. Eventually, when you get a great lawyer (we are very blessed that FFi has a great job and is definitely NOT a spender) it will make the world of difference.

I always tell my FFi that I would rather he spend thousands of dollars defending our home than buying us things, but I recently found some evidence of ring shopping and he seems to be going in a GREAT direction. I love him and he is definitely worth me putting up with her for the next 7 years...

Good luck to you and PLEASE, PLEASE know that you are not alone and there are definitely people out there (my future mother-in-law!) who would gladly kiss the ground you walk on for all that you do for these children that don''t belong to you! I send you nothing but respect.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Thanks for the post and the understanding.

I think what people were trying to state was that its "his" money that pays the expenses and the CS. Well put it in to prospective when you live with someone and there is no more $$....

By the time he pays his portion of his bills, the CS and the expenses...he is actually in the negative. Who''s check does that come out of??? Thin air? Mine. I just got a raise and guess where I spent it?? The kids because its getting chilly out and none of their pants fit from last year and FFI has to pay a $550 dentist bill because they do not have dental insurance....and do you think their mother paid her 20%? Nope...cuz she is "broke"....so it comes out of my pocket. Yes it is my choice to live here and have this life. I do love my life, I just wish BM was not bipolar and narcissistic to the point where I fear for the kids because she lacks common sense...

It is hard to interpret the written word and I do not think people wrote things to be mean, its sometimes hard to understand where people are coming from by just what they give for information. I asked for advice and I got a few pieces and I got some criticism along with it, which is something I had already anticipated.

For the record I am not a partier, a drinker, a smoker or any of that. I would rather be at home doing something with the kids and playing poker with FFI.


We will see where this takes us, FFI is going to talk about getting a lawyer in the know about what is happening with the situation so only time will tell....

Thanks for everyone who wrote something, good or bad. Its still a great forum either way....

*FFI did say we would be engaged within the next 2 years though....not the timeline I was expecting, but a timeline from the guy that refuses to give me a timeline....I''ll take it!!*

 

[LaraOnline]

Personally I think the whole situation regarding the delaying of 'official commitment' is very unfair on you... I think it's wrong of your man to delay his engagement to you - but, as a man, it is likely he doesn't understand the full significance of marriage (in your heart), and so any hurt is purely by-the-by.

I hope he truly appreciates the fullness of what you are doing for him and for the chldren.

As you seem totally committed to the relationship, both with him and the kids, your own attitude is admirable, and probably the best for everybody.

The children are undoubtedly very lucky to have you.

Unfortunately, some relatives are really awful. Some people are related to drug users, petty criminals, or plain unpleasant people. You seem to have a doozy in your family, too.

If, as TG says, you are in fact very young, I am sorry that you are already experiencing the long hours and thankless tasks associated with being a mother. However, as you have already found out, motherhood is chock full of precious moments and secret rewards that more than compensate!

All the best with your new family.

L.

 

[arjunajane]

Alexis, I am not going to re - hash all of your statements throughout this thread, but reading it has left me thinking one thing - Why girl???

You are putting all of your time, money and energy into this relationship and these kids that are not yours.

As other posters said, you are still young! I feel like you are missing out on alot here..and in your own words, also sacrificing alot - perhaps more than you think.
I am not talking out of my $$s, as a number of years ago I also dated a couple of guys reasonably older than me - all of them had major baggage, one of them was divorced with a daughter, and all of the relationships were major c**ck - ups!

I am now a number of years into a happy engagement with a guy the same age, with the same priorities etc.

I'm sure you love your guy, and we all know sometimes we can't choose who we fall for - but you've also said earlier in the thread that he dpesn't sympathize with your concerns about the BM, and thinks that "its stupid for you to feel that way". I'm sorry, but this is not a "typical guy response" - I know my Fi would never discount my feelings like that if I were genuinely cut up about something..
Also, in your own words he has essentially refused to commit to you, when you have already given up so much (your youth, freedom, money, travel, experience etc - I don't know if you have career or other dreams you are not fulfilling?)...I have to really ask, what are you getting out of this union??

I know this is not what you want to hear, and I do feel for you in this difficult situation - but the truth is, I can't be too sympathetic as it is a dilemma of your own choosing.
Please consider that you could be spending the best years of your life in a un-necessarily stressful environment, and you could potentially be alot happier, imho.

 

[Po10472]

Firtly, Alexis - who gives a toss what age you are and if you''re having fun!!! You came on here to vent and seek some solace cos you''ve got some issues going on in your life - your age is immaterial and you probably have lots of fun - sheesh!

Anyways, I''m guessing your nose is out of joint, yeah?

You are in a strong relationship where you live and share your life with your BF and love and care for his children as if they were your own and that is commendable. What has peed you off the most, imho, is that your BF''s ex is a car crash, she can''t get her own life in gear nor the childrens but yet she''s managed to secure the commitment of another man and got married before you are even engaged. This is the crux of your vent which is being projected under the guise of "not giving a crap about your own kids".

I can totally understand your disappointment and jealousy - I know, you are probably resenting that word, but you are feeling envious that she is married before you - your BF has an awful lot on his plate just now, the kids, the ex but more importantly he''s probably not ready to commit to another marriage after his last one failed due to her cheating. It takes time to trust again and he''s probably just happy as a clam being in a safe, uncomplicated relationship with you. Ocht, there will be a few PS''ers jumping all over me for that one, but let''s take stock, not all relationships end in marriage, there are thousands of successful partnerships out there, are they any less real cos there isn''t a diamond or license?

You spoke to him and you have your answer, within 2 years......he still wants to be with you cos you''re making future plans and that''s a good thing, it may not be the answer you''re looking for but what is? I know from personal experience that in a previous relationship I was fit to burst cos all I wanted was an engagement ring to show the world that we had made a commitment, that to me was everything, the marriage could wait. Is that what you''re feeling now?

As for the kids, continue what you''re doing and love and care for them, have your opinion of their mother, but keep it to yourself, she''s not going to change.

 

[LaraOnline]

ABsolutely fantastic post, PO...
But for me, the lack of a ring (or rather, the spiritual and legal commitment, as ''husband and wife'') really HAS made relationships ''less real'' than the one I am in now. That''s the facts.

If a person wants to marry, and the partner to that person does not, (although this does not seem to be the case for the OP) well... that, to me, is a situation that is not easily solved by just ''forgetting about marriage''.

But then, marriage always meant a LOT more to me than a pretty party dress. So I guess it''s all personal.

I just got fed up to the back teeth in my single-but-partnered days with hearing well-meaning friends telling me that ''marriage didn''t mean anything''.
I''m married now. And it means HEAPS.

I was right all along!!

anyway, no need to write a response if you don''t want to PO, as it''s kinda off topic...

 

[Po10472]

hey Lara, I totally understand where you are coming from, I am very happily married but I also have the experience of being in a relationship where I really, really wanted to be engaged and married but we were not on the same page. We did get engaged but when I look back at it now it was for all the wrong reasons, it was because I pressured him into it and yeah I had the ring, but the commitment wasn''t there. Whereas now, when my DH and I decided we were ready it all clicked into place and it happened, I didn''t have that stomach crunching feeling that I really wanted a ring. Looking back, don''t know if things would have worked out differently between me and my ex if it hadn''t gone that way.

In essence, what I''m saying is that some things are worth waiting a little bit longer for because the other person may not be quite ready yet for whatever reason and sometimes if you wait so long that you can''t wait anymore, then you need to move on with your life.

Jeezo, its difficult sometimes putting in to words what you mean.

 

[LaraOnline]

Yeah, have to agree that good things come to those who wait! I''m so glad I didn''t marry any of the earlier ''prospects'' as well!!!!!!!! Ugh!!! (And I don''t mean that in the nicest possible way, either).

Actually, I will come clean and admit that in my early 20s there was one guy where I thought it was all on the cards - he was my GREAT LOVE etc etc. Well, by the time he finally coughed up the ring, I''d kinda worked out he was a sap. I did like his parents though, and went back to visit the parents after the birth of my second baby.

Turns out he had been keeping a big secret from me! He had conceived a child in a casual relationship before meeting me... and had been refusing to take responsibility for the child right up until a couple of years ago, when the child was 14yo!!!! How unfair on the BM!

anyway, total thread jack, excuse me!!
Anyway, I''m gone all unashamedly Catholic since meeting my ''real guy''!!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Do I sound angry? I guess that thing about misinturpting feelings on the internet is true...because I''m actually very calm, and aside from sharing what I would genuinely do if I were her, i couldn''t care less...truth be told...

Alexis, I do not doubt, not even for a moment, that you are wonderful to those children. That your heart is open and your intentions are pure. However, when you come here looking to vent or seeking advice, you need to prepare yourself for getting what you asked for. Sometimes it''s not pretty...and most of the time it''s exactly what you didn''t want to hear. But, PS will turn the mirror on you and force you to face the situation. Now, what you do with the advice is completely up to you.

Of course, like everyone on this site, I wish you the best as you continue on. I hope you continue to feel justified waiting 2 years, and that, in the end--you will be happily engaged, if not married, by late 2010.

I never meant to hurt you, or offend anyone (although, everyone who seems to champion your case somehow or another were in the exact same position as you...odd and yet predicatable). I do feel like, if those children are cared for, all else should cease to exsist.

Best of luck, I suppose.

 

[Aloros]

I''m glad that he gave you a timeline, but I have to ask...is two years really ok with you? Two years of paying $$ for his kids and spending your time stepmothering - and no firm commitment...it is A LOT to ask of anyone. And to top it off, you''ve got an uncooperative bio-mom to deal with.

And I really feel your FFI should be more sympathetic towards your feelings and your situation.

There''s a great community at childlessstepmoms.org with women in your same or similar situation.

I know that we are taught not to be selfish, but what is in this for Alexis? It''s admirable that you''re willing to do so much for his children, and that you are there to provide them with stability and the things they need, but who is looking out for you?

I think the worst thing a person can do in this type of situation is to turn into a martyr - the only one who is doing what is right. How could you not feel resentful and angry? But do you want to be the person who lives their life stewing in these negative feelings?

How did FFI cope before you came along?

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 9/28/2008 6:17:31 PM
Author: Aloros
I''m glad that he gave you a timeline, but I have to ask...is two years really ok with you? Two years of paying $$ for his kids and spending your time stepmothering - and no firm commitment...it is A LOT to ask of anyone. And to top it off, you''ve got an uncooperative bio-mom to deal with.

And I really feel your FFI should be more sympathetic towards your feelings and your situation.

There''s a great community at childlessstepmoms.org with women in your same or similar situation.

I know that we are taught not to be selfish, but what is in this for Alexis? It''s admirable that you''re willing to do so much for his children, and that you are there to provide them with stability and the things they need, but who is looking out for you?

I think the worst thing a person can do in this type of situation is to turn into a martyr - the only one who is doing what is right. How could you not feel resentful and angry? But do you want to be the person who lives their life stewing in these negative feelings?

How did FFI cope before you came along?

The conversation kinda drifted into the 2 year mark, it could be sooner than that. I made a comment about 2 years from now and having something already done to the house and the conversation went from there and he made the comment "...oh, we will be enganged long before that." So i am going off the assumption it will be sooner than 2 years but no later than 2 years.

FFI has been great through it all for the most part. He just thought that their being impulsive I should have nothing to do with our realtionship and that I should not be worrying about us at that moment because we cannot control what she does. Which is true, I just hate seeing the kids hurt.

The post intitially was just suppose to be a rant about her and just a little disappointment towards having to push things back again. I did have a conversation with FFI last night and he stated if his stock does well and his drug gets FDA approval (which is suppose to happen in Dec) I would be getting a "big" ring.

However, that still does not tell me when!

But its going to happen sooner than I think, but I do not want to get myself psyched up and then be dissappointed.

The situation with FFI was probably me being over sensative to the situation because I saw how it affected his kids. I saw how we had to deal with the situation on our end in our house and its hard to explain that to a 6 and 8 year old. Especially when they have no inkling what marriage is about and how to explain to them why mommy did not include them. I get frustrated with her because she does make some descions that only take common sense. most of the time it appears that she has none and she missed that gene pool. She''s very impulsive and does what she wants and asks questions later. Which would explain the $30,000 in CC debt she has gotten herself into in the last year.

Then expects us to pay more things (which we do anyways) and then asks for more CS on top of what we give her, which is more than the state guidelines.

So its just me being over sensative to the situation at the time and being frustrated with her and her lack of self discipline. I do what I can on my part but I can only do so much for them and at some point she needs to step up and be responsible. i do not expect everyone here to understand unless they have had stepkids its a hard thing to give an opinion about. FFI is an amazing father and would do anything for his kids (even spoils them a little too much) and they adore him. He is a great person and he is the one and only person for me. I know that there is no one else out there for me that understands me and gives me everything I could have asked for. Plus the kids have really been a blessing to me too and being a stepmom is hard but its also greatly rewarding.

As far as the coping before I came along...well...it wasn''t that bad. She has major insecurity issues and only became they way she is now once I entered the picture. I assume its jealously and insecure feelings. Thats all I can chalk it up to being. Although there are signs of bipolar tendencies on her part and from what FFI has told me, they were there when they married as well. She stalks my myspace page constantly to the point where I put a tracker on my page because she was looking at it 2-3x a day. When I don''t even log in everyday. It wears you down after a while.

So time will tell....FFI did say we could start looking and trying on rings though...so thats always a good sign.

 

[LaraOnline]

Well I''m really glad he truly values you Alexis.
At the end of the day, you are going to have to get used to the ''wicked witch'' on the other side of the equation, obviously it''s a situation that is difficult for everyone, including her. If she has bipolar, or is simply not coping, it is clear she needs counselling or some other form of family assistance.

I guess you are doing your bit by caring for her children.
Personally I would find it incredibly difficult to hand my children over to the love and care of another woman, no matter how attentive - or even perfect - she was. Each of you is no doubt constantly critical and somewhat competitive with the other, it adds immeasurable stress to each of your lives, no doubt.

And no doubt your perfection makes everything 10 times worse for her!

Oh well, your own personal happiness is really all that can be expected from a life, and it would be better for you if her life was going well also...

I am so glad he treasures you and respects you, and is not using his previous poor choices as a reason to withhold the love you have worked so hard to gain from him. Selfless giving, such as the kind you are showing your step-children, is really what makes the world go around. Good on you!! I really hope you have every happiness. I hope you get your special ring, too!

 

[purrfectpear]

Who''s stalking who? Take the tracker off your myspace and stop concerning yourself about what she does with her day

Seriously Alexis, the more you don''t think about whether she''s looking at your myspace, driving by the house, jealous, or whatev...the sooner YOU will be able to focus on what you CAN control. That would be you and your behavior. Focus on your relationship and try very hard not to judge the mom. It won''t get you anywhere, it won''t change her, and it can only create stress for you and make you look obsessive. Your job in this relationship is to be nice to the kids when they''re with you (and it sounds like you do a great job there), not involve yourself in your FI''s previous relationship. That''s his job. Maybe you think he doesn''t speak up enough but it''s really his to deal with

 

[LaraOnline]

Aaw, poor Alexis! It''s a yucko situation, who needs more lectures??