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Not invited - Bad Form?

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CrookedRock

CrookedRock

Brilliant_Rock
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So we just received another wedding invitation from someone who was in my BF''s fraternity. Both of these people are not people he speaks with, not bc anything happened just that they graduated and moved. One was a Texas wedding and this one is a St. Louis wedding... The do big weddings there (at least these people do) and tend to invite everyone!!

Well bf and I have been together for almost 8 years, and have lived together for 2 now. Neither of the invitaions he received included me or a guest... I''m not necessairly pleased about this. The first one was fine bc bf didn''t really like the guy, but this one he kinda wants to go to.
He''s going to call one of his college roomies who was in the frat too and who we are sure is invited, to see if he got an "and guest"...
I always thought the rule was if they live together they get invited together, and if they have been together for 2+ years they they get an invite too... Did I miss something? And what''s the best way to handle this? And him going without me isn''t happening bc I think it''s just strange...

Any advice or thoughts?
 
Is he close enough to just ask? I know asking is typically rude, but... Maybe they just forgot about you or your name. We didn't actually know that one of DH's best friends was seeing someone pretty seriously when we got married. The guy just called and asked if we mined if he brought her. I was just as embarrassed at not knowing she existed in a serious manor as the guy was for having to ask what's considered to be a rude question.
 
There is no hard and fast rule about who gets an "and guest" as far as I know. I think everyone makes up their own rules about it, but considering that you have been together for so long, I do think it is a bit odd that you weren't invited.

But everyone has budgets and maybe the brides of both weddings decided that only people who were engaged or married were invited? You never know their reasoning...
 
If they really aren''t inviting you, I think it is totally inappropriate with the fact that you are in a committed relationship and living together. However, I''m amazed at how many people I''m learning don''t know the first thing about wedding rules, and it''s possible that you are invited and they just didn''t know how to include it. I suggest that if you call the other friend and they didn''t get a "+ guest" then call the groom and ask. If you really aren''t invited, well then that''s just not cool, but maybe they are just clueless.
 
Date: 4/24/2008 4:49:28 PM
Author:CrookedRock
So we just received another wedding invitation from someone who was in my BF's fraternity. Both of these people are not people he speaks with, not bc anything happened just that they graduated and moved. One was a Texas wedding and this one is a St. Louis wedding... The do big weddings there (at least these people do) and tend to invite everyone!!

Well bf and I have been together for almost 8 years, and have lived together for 2 now. Neither of the invitaions he received included me or a guest... I'm not necessairly pleased about this. The first one was fine bc bf didn't really like the guy, but this one he kinda wants to go to.
He's going to call one of his college roomies who was in the frat too and who we are sure is invited, to see if he got an 'and guest'...
I always thought the rule was if they live together they get invited together, and if they have been together for 2+ years they they get an invite too... Did I miss something? And what's the best way to handle this? And him going without me isn't happening bc I think it's just strange...

Any advice or thoughts?
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Why? Why can't he go without you?
 
That''s the thing... they don''t really keep in touch, bf is bad at that, but they were very very close in college. And it certainly isn''t a budget issue. The invitation was one of those where you have to check if you will be there for the brunch and the dinner. And it''s blacktie.
So I guess they may not know we are still together (maybe bc we aren''t married and haven''t sent out any invites or announcments) but I kinda feel like they should have checked. Just don''t know how to handle it... Should we wrie my name next to his on the reply card LOL! Just a silly thought!
 
Call and ask. Not long after I moved in with then-boyfriend, I received an invite for me alone to attend a far-away wedding. The happy couple was/is quite religious and didn't have a lot of money, so I thought maybe they didn't approve of the living arrangement or were being tight on the guest count to save money, but I just asked if I could bring my boyfriend and they said, "Sure! Love to meet him!" and were quite gracious.

It is slightly rude to call and ask to bring the flavor of the month, but your girl/boyfriend of eight years? Ask nicely and the worst that happens is that they say no.

Long-term couples function as social units and should be invited together to far-away, social events such as weddings. Technically, the invite should have been addressed to you both by name rather than "and guest" but that is a small detail.
 
If they don''t keep in touch and are trying to plan a wedding, it''s impossible to keep up with every single guests comings and going. Should they have checked, yes. Do relationships sometimes change as quickly as the weather, yes.

Please don''t write your name in on the RSVP. Asking around probably really is the best way to get an answer.
 
Simplysplendid~ Because I said so...
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LOL Seriously though I just find it odd, espicially bc we will certainly be engaged by then.

Cara~ I thought the same thing when I grabbed the mail that day. I almost didn''t want to open it bc I knew I would be annoyed at what was inside. He''s calling his old roomie right now to find out the story. But he doesn''t even know the guys number that is getting married...

Addy~ I was kidding about writing my name on the card (sorta)! But it''s just such a strange spot to be in. And I know he won''t call to ask. We''re going to have to see what everyone else says...
 
I don''t think it''s that uncommon that the bride/groom only invite spouses and not bf/gf. Would it be nice? Yes. But it isn''t necessary. Sounds like you''ve been with him a long time and I can see your perspective but it''s not your day, it''s their''s. Not a bad idea to ask around but if they fnd out, they might think that was being a bit nosy. Just my 2 cents.
 
What's the answer from the other guy?!

Date: 4/24/2008 5:16:18 PM
Author: Peepa
I don't think it's that uncommon that the bride/groom only invite spouses and not bf/gf. Would it be nice? Yes. But it isn't necessary. Sounds like you've been with him a long time and I can see your perspective but it's not your day, it's their's. Not a bad idea to ask around but if they fnd out, they might think that was being a bit nosy. Just my 2 cents.
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I certainly hope that it's common to invite people who are partners but not married partners. My in-laws aren't married. Several of my friends who range from years living together to owning a house to having children aren't married. I thought this was getting more and more common now.
 
I guess it doesn''t really matter if it''s common or not. The couple who is getting married at the time makes the rules. If they want to invite couples because they are a couple, then they should and if they don''t and only invite spouses, then that''s fine too. Doesn''t make them rude either way. When we got married, we only invited guests who were spouses and no young children. That was our thing; everyone has their own way of doing things when it comes to weddings.
 
Not all life partners choose to get legally married or are able to get legally married, but you are supposed to invite them together to important social events. Its not really up to the wedding couple to set their own rules on this - just as you are supposed to invite both spouses in a marriage (barring some extreme situations), you are supposed to invite both people in a relationship that functions like a marriage.

That said, if, crooked rock, you confirm that you are actually not invited (rather than it being an oversight), you certainly shouldn't argue or try to persuade them otherwise. Your boyfriend just uses the information to decide if he wants to travel across the country to attend a wedding without his long-time girlfriend, and accepts or declines the invitation accordingly. I would probably try to track down a number or email address for the bride or groom rather than just guessing based on conversations with other guests.

This is different from calling to ask to bring a random date or short-time companion. In that instance, one is supposed to be able to function effectively as a single person for the important event. ie. one does not need a date to function as a "crutch" for attending social events.
 
Date: 4/24/2008 5:31:56 PM
Author: Peepa
I guess it doesn''t really matter if it''s common or not. The couple who is getting married at the time makes the rules. If they want to invite couples because they are a couple, then they should and if they don''t and only invite spouses, then that''s fine too. Doesn''t make them rude either way. When we got married, we only invited guests who were spouses and no young children. That was our thing; everyone has their own way of doing things when it comes to weddings.
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I agree, they can do whatever they like. I disagree that it doesn''t make someone rude. I think it''s sad that following your logic my mother and father-in-law wouldn''t be invited because while they have been together for around 30 years they are not and never will be legally married.

Crooked, I hope that you are able to get to the bottom of the guest issue. It would really stress me out not knowing what my plans should be for that weekend, especially since you would have to travel for it.
 
I think I missed a very important part of this... now that I reread my posts. We invited engaged couples as well as married couples. I still don''t think it''s rude. Ppl who plan a party can do whatever they want; They are paying and planning. What does your bf think of this? Would he go by himself without you? Are you offended and not him?
 
Peepa~ So what if they are engaged, it's ok not to invite the other half? hmmm...
ETA... thanks for clarifying!

Cara~ I agree so much with what you said. So many people are choosing not to marry these days, but that does not mean they should ot be considered a package deal. That's not our story... but I would have thought 8 years spoke for itself. And If someone takes it into their own hands to make up their rules and leave people out, then I think they are being rude.

The thing that gets me is that for all they know my bf could be married and just chose not to have a party or a wedding or announce it. They chose not to look into his current relationship status. Right or wrong, doesn't really matter... Just have to fgure out the proper way to handle it on our side. Going to the wedding has the potential to be like a reunion for all the guys, so it depends on who is going then we can make our decision. I think he's talking to his friend now... I'll keep you posted
 
I agree that it''s a little weird that you wouldn''t "let" your BF go just because you aren''t on the invitation, especially since you said that they were really close and that he sort of does want to go.
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Unless I''m missing where you clarified that in the thread besides the "because I said so" joke.....it was a joke, right?

Anyway, I''m sure its a mistake. I''m sure the bride was in charge of the invitations and when she asked the groom he wanted to invite he probably just said "oh...and my buddy "crookedrock''s bf"!
I don''t think you should directly ask yet...I''d do what you are doing and ask other people that are invited first!
 
I think you''re putting a lot of time and effort into the wrong place. If it''s a big deal to you, call them. If it''s not, don''t.

I understand the sentiment of "long term relationship" or "life partners", but try to keep in mind what they''re celebrating--MARRIAGE. Whether you agree with them or not, that''s what it is.

And, I''d bet money that it was just a slip anyway.
 
somethingshiny - good point
They ARE celebrating marriage. That's the best way I've ever heard that explained before regarding this topic.
I just think it's silly to be so up in arms about how someone else is planning their big day.
CrookedRock, if you don't agree, don't go and when your day comes, do it your way and invite anyone you want.
Wait to find out what your bf hears and if you indeed aren't invited, either both of you don't go or he can go by himself.
And no, I still don't think it's rude. It's not rude to not invite the other half if they aren't married. It IS rude to invite a bunch of couples who aren't married and to tell one particular couple, "hey, your gf isn't invited because you guys aren't married/engaged." Now that's rude.
 
Ok... I need to clarify!
I never said I would not "let" him go. We both just think it''s strange.
I''m really more interested in what the general proper rule is on this.
And I do think it was just an oversight, not at all intentional.
I''m really not hung up on it, more just curious. The wedding happens to be the weekend after we get back from my bday trip which is where he will prob pop the question. If anything they will feel silly if he shows up and they ask him about his love life and he says that his fiance is at home...
It''s seriously not a big deal, I was just interested in everyone''s thoughts...
 
If he has not kept touch with the guy enough to even have his current phone number, my guess is that they don''t know if you guys are still together. It has been a long time, so how embarrassing would it be to invite both people if they broke up 2 years ago!? If they are having a big wedding, my guess is that the guy gave his fiance a list of old frat brothers to invite and probably just the ones that they knew were married had the spouses added. If you''re inviting 200-500 people to a wedding, you probably aren''t calling them all to see if they are dating anyone!

My vote is that he probably just shouldn''t go if you feel uncomfortable for him to go without you (and I would feel that way, too). I see no good way to get you invited.
 
I think the couple who is getting married has the right to invite whomever they please. Not inviting you may be an oversight on their part or it may be done on purpose due to reasons such as budget. In some cases, not inviting the other half could simply be because the other half is not welcomed. I have done something similar myself, inviting only one half of a couple because no one in the group of friends enjoy the company of the other half (and the half that was invited knows it).

Personally, I would not ask, because with asking, they will be obliged to say "yes". Is the issue to you really that the wedding couple is rude or are you upset because there is a possibility that you can't come along and you really want to?

How about just letting your bf have a short break on his own to attend his good friend's wedding while you take some time to on your own to do things that you really like but never had the time to while he is around? Bad idea?
 
Please ignore my post above as you have clarified.. let the guy go and attend the wedding. He will come back missing you like crazy, i am sure..
 
Well, if you don''t get to go it''ll be their loss because you seem so delightful!
 
I''ve received invites where I was not "-and guested" simply because the bride or groom didn''t know I was with someone and they saw their wedding as a chance for old friends who had gotten out of touch to re-unite. At the time, I was really upset about it (...I was an a-hole and bought one couple a single can opener as a gift...I''d also been invited to the shower, which I attended and brought a gift..for an old friend who hadn''t bothered to ask if I was still single, which I hadn''t been for 2 years).

Now, I''m just embarrassed by my behavior back then. Not everyone is as into etiquette and details as our brides in BIW are (or as I was, too). One time mentioned my distaste of not receiving my fiance''s name on an invite, and a bridesmaid said "Oh, the bride just assumed that people would bring their partners if they had one." People really do make that assumption.

Just call. Or, just write your name on the card (I have to be honest, I don''t think it''s really all that rude - it IS rude when you''re bringing a blind date or 10 family members, your four children, etc, but when a couple is living together and been together, it''s the bride and groom''s faux pas for not realizing it). DH and I sent out 1 or 2 invites where we thought our friends were still single, but they weren''t. They either wrote their date''s name on the card too or called us to clarify. No biggie, we weren''t upset, and thankfully, neither were they.
 
Different etiquette books say different things about this issue, but I do believe that it is generally thought to be bad form if you do not invite an individual''s spouse, fiance/fiancee, or live-in significant other.

My guess would also be that the couple does not know that you two are living together, and it was merely an omission. However, I don''t know how to handle this situation because it is certainly bad form for a guest to ask if he can bring another guest who was not originally invited. Perhaps your best bet would be to have your BF call his friend to catch up, mention that the two of you are still together and currently live together, and see if his friend blanches and says anything about inviting you. If not, I would NOT ask for an invite, but that''s just me.

Good luck!
 
My etiquette book says you only really need to invite married couples and FI''s. I plan on having the smallest wedding possible so this is what I will follow. Thankfully this will not matter because we either know married couples, engaged, or singles. No one is in a long term relationship.

CR I think that since they haven''t spoken in such a long time they probably have no idea you are in the picture. Eight years is a lot and if you FI was invited to my wedding you would most certainly be too.

I''m praying that my sister will dump her loser BF by our wedding because I am not inviting him. He treats her like crap and I can''t stand to be around him.
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DS~ I think that''s exactly what happened, they just didn''t know that we were still together. And I can''t blame ''em! You would think after 8 years people would be married and you would know about it!
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Seriously though, this is not someone we will invite to our wedding party thing (we are eloping), and for all they know we could already be married... Now that def would have been bad if they only invited him! Thanks for understanding why him going without me is uncomfortable. Not that I wouldn''t let him, just really don''t love the idea. Espicially bc like I said we will def be officially engaged by that point.

SS~ We have no intention of contacting him and asking... If anything a mutual friend may just mention to him that we are still going strong and that may solve the issue. Still waiting to hear what our friend says about getting an "and guest" (that wasn''t him last night on the phone)

Pixley~ You''re so sweet!
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If he does go on his own, I really think it will be them that ends up feeling silly about it.

Elmorton~ A can opener!!! Hysterical!! I love it...
I''m not sure I want to write my name on the card, only bc there really is no place to do it. But where you have to check next to dinner and brunch, it did cross my mind to put a 2 there... Is that horrible?

Haven~ Thanx for clarifying the rule. I called bf''s Mom last night, who is like MISS Emily Post!! She was going to look it up for me and buy me the book! LOL.

Legacy~ Would you invite both people if they had been together for years and lived togther and were planning on getting married next year, and you knew all that?? I hear you on the small wedding thing... We plan on havin a small (about 100) party to celebrate, and bc of limited space we will not give people an "and guest unless they have been together for a while or are living toegether. For me it would be trouble to not invite the couples who don''t live together. My very good friend refuses to livewith her f til they are married and they are talking about getting engaged next year, so he would need to be invited... and this is common for a few of our friends... so I guess everything needs to be examined case by case.

So what do you think? What about writing "2" next to dinner and brunch?? Really bad?
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Hi, there. I really think they should have invited you. I'm betting that the fiance gave a list to his future wife with all his frat boys he wanted to invite and she asked which ones were married and sent invites out that way without thinking about it any further. When I got married, I sent out an "and guest" to all the single people b/c I thought about how I would feel going without a date and realized I probably wouldn't go to a wedding by myself, especially if I didn't know that many people. I would probably have your boyfriend call him up to catch up with him, mention that you two are still together and are going to be getting married soon and maybe he will say something like I hope to meet her at the wedding? I wouldn't come right out and ask, but I would hint around a little and see what he said. I'm betting it was just an oversight.
 
This has happened to me from both perspectives!

I was just invited to a wedding that listed only me on the invite (not DH). Turned out the bride just assumed I would bring him.

For our wedding, we invited a bunch of DH''s hs friends who he hadn''t seen or really talked to in years (since hs). He didn''t know that one had a serious gf so we didn''t invite her. He called to ask if he could bring her. We said it was fine. No big deal. We didn''t know she existed. If we''d known, we probably would''ve invited her even though we had a married/engaged rule (we did make a few exceptions though).
 
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