Not invited - Bad Form?

[CrookedRock]

Musey:
How can you be sure that it''s just an oversight?

We''re not "and guest"-ing anyone as a blanket rule... because we simply have too many non-married friends. I''m sure they''d all LOVE to bring dates, but that would add an additional 30-40% to our guest list, and we''ve been desperately trying to achieve our dream of a more ''intimate'' wedding, while still appeasing the family''s desire to turn it into something of a family reunion.

We have invited some significant others, but only if we are friends with them as well (they''re not just courtesy invites/tag-a-longs) OR if the guest wouldn''t really know anyone otherwise, then they get an invite for their SO (this only happened with one person on our list), by name, not "+1".

If it''s a huge wedding, that''s one thing, but for ours at least, we''ve gone through every single guest and talked about their needs. It''s hard for me to imagine having made any oversights on our guest list.

Anyway, if you really feel strongly that you should have been invited, then have your boyfriend call the bride/groom and ask, I guess. Don''t just send the reply card with your necessary edits.

We feel pretty confident it was an oversight bc I think they just blanket invited his pledge class. Normally it is very poor form to send an invite to only one person in a household. This is a big to-do wedding with probably about 400 people if not more. If you read this thread you''ll understand the situation more and I would love to hear your take on it!

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 4/25/2008 8:19:36 AM
Author: CrookedRock
DS~ I think that''s exactly what happened, they just didn''t know that we were still together. And I can''t blame ''em! You would think after 8 years people would be married and you would know about it!

Seriously though, this is not someone we will invite to our wedding party thing (we are eloping), and for all they know we could already be married... Now that def would have been bad if they only invited him! Thanks for understanding why him going without me is uncomfortable. Not that I wouldn''t let him, just really don''t love the idea. Espicially bc like I said we will def be officially engaged by that point.

SS~ We have no intention of contacting him and asking... If anything a mutual friend may just mention to him that we are still going strong and that may solve the issue. Still waiting to hear what our friend says about getting an ''and guest'' (that wasn''t him last night on the phone)

Pixley~ You''re so sweet!

If he does go on his own, I really think it will be them that ends up feeling silly about it.

Elmorton~ A can opener!!! Hysterical!! I love it...
I''m not sure I want to write my name on the card, only bc there really is no place to do it. But where you have to check next to dinner and brunch, it did cross my mind to put a 2 there... Is that horrible?

Haven~ Thanx for clarifying the rule. I called bf''s Mom last night, who is like MISS Emily Post!! She was going to look it up for me and buy me the book! LOL.

Legacy~ Would you invite both people if they had been together for years and lived togther and were planning on getting married next year, and you knew all that?? I hear you on the small wedding thing... We plan on havin a small (about 100) party to celebrate, and bc of limited space we will not give people an ''and guest unless they have been together for a while or are living toegether. For me it would be trouble to not invite the couples who don''t live together. My very good friend refuses to livewith her f til they are married and they are talking about getting engaged next year, so he would need to be invited... and this is common for a few of our friends... so I guess everything needs to be examined case by case.

So what do you think? What about writing ''2'' next to dinner and brunch?? Really bad?

PLEASE don''t do that. You have to ask at least! I have a thread on the bride forum about this right now... several people have added a guest (or 5!) to their reply cards and its just not cool. I don''t neccessarily mind the extra people... I just wish they would have called or emailed me first. I''d be pretty upset if I were you but I agree that maybe they just didn''t know. FI''s cousin got married a while back and only invited FI... she made sure everyone passed on the message that boyfriends and girlfriends were NOT invited. We were VERY unhappy... FI and I had been together for about almost a year and I was already really close to his family. FI didn''t go and didn''t send a gift either... I''m the one that usually buys the wedding gifts so if I was excluded then I wasn''t going to purchase a gift for them. FI''s sis had been with her bf for 2 years and he was excluded also...

Please just call or email to ask these people!

 

[CrookedRock]

Steph~ I think that's exactly what happened! Like I said before, not something done intentionally. They were good friends, getting his number and calling to congratulate him wouldn't be a bad idea, that way he could feel him out... That's probably what I will ask him to do.

Robbie~ Thanks for both perspectives. It's crazy that someone would just assume you would bring your hubby without addressing the invite to you both. Did she expect you to just write 2 next to the dinner spot? It's interesting...

oobiecoo~ I saw your thread and asked you about this there. Thanks for replying to this! I agree, I don't and wouldn't want to write 2 next to the dinner, it would be strange bc they would get it and wonder who the heck the 2 is considering they don't know we are still a couple. I guess we are onna have to call or have our mutual friend mention it. I don't think I would flat out ask, I am more of a hinter in these situations and would rather let them realize the mistake!
I can't believe your FI's cousin did that!!! That's bold, I would have to think there is an exception for family members! But I'm with you... no invite, no gift!

 

[neatfreak]

If you think it is an oversight and it really bothers you, just have him call and ask. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES write your name on the reply card or write "2". That is really tacky IMO and something you will understand with much more clarity once you are planning your own small wedding and people start doing that to you!

 

[oobiecoo]

OK I just saw your post on my thread! I definitely feel you should call the groom or maybe his parents or something, email them, or at the VERY LEAST put "2 guests" and add a little note explaining the situation and give your phone number. I got a late rsvp from FI''s cousin and she wrote a note saying she was sorry it was late and to give her a call if it was a problem I was still a little ticked about it being late but it was nice that she didn''t just ASSUME it was ok.

 

[CrookedRock]

That''s a good thought! He could reply and write a note explaining that he would appreciate if he could bring his fiance with him, and write his tel # on it in case of any problems. My bf even said that he would not be bothered saying I was his fiance considering it is so close anyway. Thanks for the idea!

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 4/25/2008 12:31:39 PM
Author: neatfreak
If you think it is an oversight and it really bothers you, just have him call and ask. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES write your name on the reply card or write '2'. That is really tacky IMO and something you will understand with much more clarity once you are planning your own small wedding and people start doing that to you!

Big fat Word! to you once again neatfreak. CR, you keep asking if it's okay to write in "2" and then people keep saying that no it's not okay, yet you keep trying to make it okay. It isn't okay, and there are no circumstances that will make it anything other than tacky, as neatfreak already said.

You say it's not a big deal but you keep talking about it so it IS a big deal to you (and that's okay). Please, just have your guy call the groom and ask him directly. These people are planning a wedding and waiting around until the 11th hour to get clarification through hints or 3rd parties will just delay the bridal couple's knowing that they need to plan for an extra person. They should know that ASAP, not at the last minute. Asking now allows both you and them to know what's going on. As neatfreak said, you'll appreciate this more once you're planning your own DW...

ETA: musey, re your below post, you and I must be reading the same book because that's what I heard as well.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/25/2008 12:22:01 PM
Author: CrookedRock

Normally it is very poor form to send an invite to only one person in a household.

Hmm... really?! I have never, ever heard that. The only time I've heard it's inappropriate to invite 1 per household is if the couple is married.

Otherwise, it just comes down to the blanket standard they're applying to their guest list. Are ALL or MOST other boyfriend/girlfriends invited? If so, then sure, be a little miffed and question it.

ETA:

Date: 4/24/2008 4:49:28 PM
Author:CrookedRock

I always thought the rule was if they live together they get invited together, and if they have been together for 2+ years they they get an invite too... Did I miss something? And what's the best way to handle this? And him going without me isn't happening bc I think it's just strange...

Everyone's "rules" are different, and people tend to set their own rules regarding their own guest list to fit their needs.

I don't expect invitations to everything FI is invited to. If I do get an invitation I am simply pleasantly surprised... but if FI is ever invited without a "+1" I wouldn't be the least bit upset/surprised or miffed--unless I were friends with that person as well. Once we're married I will probably feel differently--but still wouldn't solicit an invitation for myself. Like I mentioned in the other thread, it's up to the bride/groom to decide who they want to share their day with, not the guests.


I feel that those you do not speak with anymore tend to be courtesy invites--as seems to be the case here--and it's my personal feeling that courtesy invites do not warrant their OWN courtesy invite of a +1. That's just too much courtesy for my taste

But then, I'm paying $120pp at our reception and the budget's getting awfully tight, so we have to really want every guest to be there.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/25/2008 2:26:38 AM
Author: LegacyGirl
My etiquette book says you only really need to invite married couples and FI's. I plan on having the smallest wedding possible so this is what I will follow.[/b]Thankfully this will not matter because we either know married couples, engaged, or singles. No one is in a long term relationship.[/b]

Ditto!

Well in our case, the only people we're inviting who are in long-term relationships, we're also friends with their significant other, so we'd be inviting them anyway. I guess that all worked out well so that we wouldn't have to worry about this whole +1 mess. (It helps that we're only inviting close friends and family, the smaller the guest list, the less chance there is to be stuck with that situation.)

We did send a save-the-date to two of our friends who had been together longer than we had/have, and were (at the time) living together. Little did we know that they had secretly broken up months beforehand, and weren't telling people yet because the guy had yet to move out. They'll still both be invited, but separately (darn them for costing me another $5.50 invite!!

).

Stuff like that is what would make me hesitant to invite and "long-term boy/girlfriends," if it were an issue for us.

Date: 4/25/2008 12:31:39 PM
Author: neatfreak
If you think it is an oversight and it really bothers you, just have him call and ask. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES write your name on the reply card or write '2'. That is really tacky IMO and something you will understand with much more clarity once you are planning your own small wedding and people start doing that to you!

DIIIIIITTOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

I just went through a mess with the RSVP card wording all in the interest of assuring that NO ONE would do that.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/25/2008 12:58:32 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/25/2008 12:22:01 PM
Author: CrookedRock
Normally it is very poor form to send an invite to only one person in a household.

Hmm... really?! I have never, ever heard that. The only time I've heard it's inappropriate to invite 1 per household is if the couple is married.

(Though, to be fair, I would extend that to engaged couples as well...)

 

[lurkinglurker]

CrookedRock - this recently happened to me. It was addressed to him from a couple who I''ve met several times and very much knew we were in a serious relationship and living together. No mention of a guest was made on the invite or response card. I decided against going. I thought it was very weird and rude of them to not invite me, but I also thought it would be very rude for me to just show up. We''re inviting them to ours to be polite, but I almost hope they can''t make it. I understand budget concerns/size limits, but we are making our invite list such that we only invite so many people that we have room for "+1s" for everyone that is not already married/in a serious relationship. These situations really can hurt feelings and I can''t imagine it is too much fun to go to a wedding alone if you''d prefer to bring a date. Good luck figuring this one out!

 

[CrookedRock]

Musey~ I absolutely agree that everyone''s rules are different. Knowing me I will probably make up my own crazy rules when the time comes... Actually I am sure I will! LOL We are still looking into whether or not any other gf''s were invited. As far as extending the invite to engaged couples, I think that''s the right thing to do... Then you get into those sticky situatuions where people are now not getting married and staying together for decades... you couldn''t leave one of them out... I think everything is kinda case by case. Thanks for all you input on this, I appreciate hearing different views!

Surfgirl~ As always thank you for your thoughtful, positive post. You always make me smile...

Lurkinglurker~ That seems just spiteful not to invite you considering they knew you so well. They''ll feel real great when the see that you invite them. I love it! They probably won''t come under the circumstances, I''ll keep my fingers crossed for ya! Thanks for you input, it''s nice knowing I''m not the only one who feels this way!

I''ll let you gals know what we finds out from the other guys. Thanks for all the opinions!

 

[musey]

Date: 4/25/2008 6:38:15 PM
Author: CrookedRock
Lurkinglurker~ That seems just spiteful not to invite you considering they knew you so well.

I disagree--LL said that she'd "met them several times." If they're going by the spouses and fiances only rule, then it makes complete sense that they'd invite the guy and not LL. I don't happen to have the issue as I said, but it's exactly what I'd do (invite my friend and not their non-married-or-engaged SO) in that situation. It's not out of spite, and it's not an oversight, either--it's simply a matter of how we chose to handle our guest list... only people that one or both of us feel close to, and spouses or fiances.

I think it's important to always think of it from the couple's standpoint. Sure, you can make all kinds of assumptions about their budget and guest list, but chances are they've gone through a lot of stress (just like every other bride and groom) figuring out who to invite.

Date: 4/25/2008 5:26:52 PM
Author: lurkinglurker
we are making our invite list such that we only invite so many people that we have room for '+1s' for everyone that is not already married/in a serious relationship.

While I think that that's very kind of you, I don't think it's realistic to expect others to do the same. Out of our 100-person invite list, only 30 are our friends (the rest are family). If we wanted to allow for all the singles to bring "+1s" we'd have to cut the number of friends invited to 15.

Which is more important... allowing those 15 to bring dates, who we likely don't know at all, or being able all 30 friends, all of whom we are close to? I don't think it's fair to eliminate close friends just so the closer friends can bring a date. Moreover, it would make me sad to see 15 "+1s" who I don't even know, knowing that I had to sacrifice 15 other people that I am close to in order for these strangers to be there.

You know?

 

[CrookedRock]

If LL and her bf/fi have been together for a while, even if they only met and had dinner a few times, I think it is rude to exclude her. Unless it is truely bc of budget and venue size.
As I said before, the wedding I am speaking of is a huge socialite affair that I am sure has either no budget or one that would make most heads spin. If they are going as far as to invite people they have not spoken to in years, then I have to assume the number of people was a non issue.
I think that by LL leaving room for +1''s it makes it more likely that those people will come. People don''t really like to go to weddings alone normally. I personally will not do that, but I also will not invite people whom I have not spoken with in years. Everyone that I will invite will be very close to me, and therefore their SO''s probably will be too...

 

[musey]

I think it probably just has to be taken on a case-by-case basis. Without having more information about this wedding that LL has been excluded from (size, budget, how close her guy--boyfriend? fiance?? this is vital information as well--is to the couple, etc.) it's really difficult to say whether or not it's 'rude,' but I guess I always give the benefit of the doubt.

Whether or not +1s make it more likely people will come probably depends on the mix of people. Like I said before (maybe in another thread??) we're allowing +1s for our out-of-town single friends that know no one or very few people of the other invites. Other than those few (I think there are 4), all of our friends are friends with each other and hang out all the time. It's just like another gathering. I'd be really disappointed/hurt if they didn't come to our wedding just because we didn't allow for them to bring a date. They wouldn't skip any other party just because there wasn't room for a date, so why skip a wedding because of that?

But then I guess I've never been one to question a host's choice of guest list--I just don't think it's my place. They're the ones throwing the party, who am I to suggest who they should and should not invite?

 

[CrookedRock]

I should have been clearer... I was refering to out of town guests not wanting to go alone.

Date: 4/25/2008 7:26:49 PM
Author: musey

But then I guess I''ve never been one to question a host''s choice of guest list--I just don''t think it''s my place. They''re the ones throwing the party, who am I to suggest who they should and should not invite?

In that case... who are they to split up a couple?... Couples are a package deal imo.
FYI... I hope you don''t think I''m being argumentitive, I''m just trying to see all the sides here and get opinions. I really do appreciate yours! And this thread def makes this look like a bigger deal than it really is to us. Chances are we won''t go bc we''ll have just gotten back on Monday night and would need to fly out on Thursday for this, but it remains to be seen. If we do decide to go I may even go with him just to see everyone before and after the festivities, without partaking bc it''s so hard for everyone to get together when everyone is spread out all over the country. That might actually be the best solution. Anyone in St Louis and want to hang out while my bf goes to a wedding without me!? JK LOL!!

 

[musey]

Date: 4/25/2008 7:38:51 PM
Author: CrookedRock

Date: 4/25/2008 7:26:49 PM
Author: musey

But then I guess I've never been one to question a host's choice of guest list--I just don't think it's my place. They're the ones throwing the party, who am I to suggest who they should and should not invite?

In that case... who are they to split up a couple?... Couples are a package deal imo.

Well then you run into the problem of what defines a couple? Some people think that it's marriage, some people think it's engagement, some people think it's a long-term relationship (but then what defines long-term? Not that 8 years isn't

).

But then it's a bigger issue with the whole "+1" dealie (I know you weren't referring to this in your original question, but while we're on the subject...). To the suggestion that EVERY person 'deserves' to bring a date, and I simply disagree.

I don't know. I don't really agree that couples are a package deal, but that's such a personal thing, I guess. I wouldn't expect FI to be invited to everything that I am (and he hasn't been) and I wouldn't expect to be invited to everything he is (and I haven't been). Maybe for business events, but for social gatherings?

It really boils down to the type of wedding and what the couple envisions for their day, and I do think it's fair (within reason) for them to dictate who they do (and don't) share that day with. In the case of this particular wedding, CR, I do think it was an oversight and that you're justified in at least asking about it.

 

[monarch64]

I think it''s a really personal thing, like Musey says. We had several single guy friends when we were planning our guest list, and we did write "and guest" on all those invites. I had a cousin who was living with his girlfriend at the time and we just wrote "and guest" on his invite as well...I didn''t know her at all but they had been together for almost a year or something and I didn''t want to not include her. When my husband''s boss got married, his wife didn''t know me at all, but they still included me (we were living together and it was known) as "and guest" which I remember sort of ticked me off because I thought they should have written my name out on the invite...looking back, I can understand why they didn''t. They might have thought we might break up? CrookedRock, I would just assume that it was half oversight/half they don''t know any better. Have your FI call and ask them whether you''re invited or not. That way you''ll know and you can proceed with plans either way. Just don''t write 2 on the RSVP, that, imo, IS really bad form.

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 4/25/2008 10:25:34 PM
Author: monarch64
I think it''s a really personal thing, like Musey says. We had several single guy friends when we were planning our guest list, and we did write ''and guest'' on all those invites. I had a cousin who was living with his girlfriend at the time and we just wrote ''and guest'' on his invite as well...I didn''t know her at all but they had been together for almost a year or something and I didn''t want to not include her. When my husband''s boss got married, his wife didn''t know me at all, but they still included me (we were living together and it was known) as ''and guest'' which I remember sort of ticked me off because I thought they should have written my name out on the invite...looking back, I can understand why they didn''t. They might have thought we might break up? CrookedRock, I would just assume that it was half oversight/half they don''t know any better. Have your FI call and ask them whether you''re invited or not. That way you''ll know and you can proceed with plans either way. Just don''t write 2 on the RSVP, that, imo, IS really bad form.

Ditto. You are in grave danger of overanalyzing this.