Not sure how to take this...

[entitledpearl22]

I have never started my own topic and tonight I have a situation that I dont really know how to interpret so I thought Id pass it on to the LIWs to help me understand.

Yesterday SO and I went to my sorority sisters wedding. We had a great time and had our fair share of the "your'e next" comments/jokes and considering we have been together longer than most of our engaged/recently married friends we are so used to it.

The interesting part occured today. The GF of the guy that would be my SO's best man text me and wanted talk. THis is VERY out of the blue and although we get along I was not sure why she wanted to "discuss an issue" with me.

So anyway, we talk and basically she says that she knows something and that she doesnt want to get in trouble but as a woman she would want to know and since she cant just be blunt she would like to share her situaiton... so at this point I am like "huh?" So she proceeds to talk about her BF who she lives with now and how he says he cant wait to spend the rest of his life with her... (which I am like awe! I dont get that bc my SO knows better than to open that topic bc my immediate reaction would be like no need to wait we can get married tomorrow!). Any way this somehow turns into me asking if I was acting wierd at the wedding because I wasnt sure what she was trying to say ( I dont want to be the pathetic girl at the wedding who everyone is feeling sorry for or making fun of...yes I can be slightly paranoid at times) but she assured me that was not it. SO HERE IS THE KICKER, she says I just know how crazy this all is making me and I know I only hear one side of it and I would want to know if it was the other way around... your blessing is on the other side of the "door"...he is ready.

Now on the flip side, memorial day weekend we had a huge epiphany that we were not on the same page and he was not ready, had reservations etc so since then my idea of him proposing on the 4th anniversary of our first date (8/11) went out the door as well as on our 4th annniverary (11/5) *we "courted" for 3 months before being official.

I am a firm believer in the power of pillow talk but I cant help but wonder if maybe she was given out dated information... I JUST came off this huge disappointment in May and I dont think my heart can take another.

What should I do/think?

 

[slg47]

oh man...i can understand not wanting to bring up the subject as you don't want to offend your BF (as you recently had this epiphany around memorial day)...but it might not hurt to talk about it so you can see if you are on the same page? i always believe in talking things out because otherwise you don't know where the other person stands

 

[amc80]

Your post was a little hard to follow because of all the pronouns, but let me try to get it-

Your boyfriend's bestfriend's girlfriend took you aside an told you that she knows your boyfriend is ready to be engaged. Is that correct?

First thought- why is she telling you this? I mean I could understand if she was a good friend of yours or something, but it sounds more like you're just friends with her through your respective guys, right?

Second thought- why didn't you ask her about it? I mean I get that you might not have wanted to go into the whole "we're not on the same page" thing, but maybe her answer would have been "oh I just heard the guys talking about it" versus "my boyfriend mentioned something to me a few months ago." That could have given you some clarity.

I'm a big believer in honesty an open communication...but I understand why you wouldn't want to bring it up to your bf. He is the #1 authority in where he is mentally/emotionally, so I would take what she said with a grain of salt. If it's true? Great. If it's not? Then you're in the same situation you were before she opened her mouth. Not to mention that if you do say something, you could cause a bit of an upheaval. What if your bf told his friend in confidence, and then he went and told his gf?

Sorry, this has turned out to be a pretty rambling post...summary: pretend like she said nothing...at least that's what I would do.

 

[entitledpearl22]

Thanks for such a quick reply AMC80...

Luckily we have talked about this in particular every week since our "epihany" and not in like arguements but we have made a point to "touch base" on this topic each weekend and just take a pulse of each others thoughts, concearns or positives that help the "getting ready".

I know that SO was really suprised by how much it hurt me that we were not on the same page ( especially when we talked abouts many times) He just didnt understand that I really meant I was ready to get married to him and he thought that I understood that his "I'm ready" was more like "I know I want to marry you but not necessarily tomorrow".

Any way all of that to say, we just talked about it on Friday night and although there is progress I didnt get the impression he was running to the jewlery store either. I really want to tell him she called me but I know that if he did say somehting to his Best Friend then he'd be upset and Best friend woudl then be mad at his SO...

Being a LIW sure does try your patience but then agian since patience is a virture and wives are supposed to be virtuous women maybe therin lies the link! LOL

 

[amc80]

Feel free to answer any of these questions, or not-
How old are you guys?
How long have you been together?
Does he have any idea when he may be ready (whether it be in 6 months, a year, 5 years, etc.)?
Do you have a "this is it" date? Not an ultimatum, but an "I realize, at this point, that we have different goals, and we should go our separate ways"? This was discussed a bit in another thread in here today. I mean what if in 5 years he still isn't ready? 10 years? I know it sucks to think about, but still, it is something to think about.

 

[entitledpearl22]

I think in my last post I should have been thanking slg37 (forgive me, I'm new at this)

To amc80... in a nutshell yes, thats who the "she" in question is and basically thats whaat she did.

And I didnt flat out ask her what she was talking about truthfully because I know the kind of snooping she has done on her SO and I was concearned that IF she really did know something she would have probobly said it to me. I am as wound up as the next LIW but I DO NOT want to ruin my SO's suprise especially after waiting this long

I appreciate your feedback!

 

[entitledpearl22]

Feel free to answer any of these questions, or not-
How old are you guys?
How long have you been together?
Does he have any idea when he may be ready (whether it be in 6 months, a year, 5 years, etc.)?
Do you have a "this is it" date? Not an ultimatum, but an "I realize, at this point, that we have different goals, and we should go our separate ways"? This was discussed a bit in another thread in here today. I mean what if in 5 years he still isn't ready? 10 years? I know it sucks to think about, but still, it is something to think about.

Im open, so in order of your message questoins see answers below....

I am 24 he is 25

Been together almost 4 years and friends for 6

He has a couple of valid concearns on my end that we are working on HOWEVER they are not things with a time line so this is one thing we discuss frequently bc lets say "x" is a concearn, well if we are working on "X" then when are you more comfortable? When "X" has been better or consistient for 30 days or after 3 months or 3 years? There is not a time frame to measure some of his "concearns" by so he has assured me he is just looking for progress/attention to those "areas"...sorry to be cryptic but the deeper details are a bit personal but VERY vaild. Any way all of that to say it will not be years however he will not or I should say has not said, "I'll be ready in this definate time frame" but he does often say that the Memorial Day weekend "talk" really didnt change his original time frame becase his "concearns" would have worked themselves out in time....

And on the "this is it date" I think I read the post you are referring to ( the lady said it upfront in a relationship year later married)... and I thought I did have a date/time in mind however since we are pretty young I am coming to realize that its actually a really good thing that we (well really he but me too inadvertantly) are taking the time to really be sure about the timing of this step in our lives in order to set ourselves up for success... any way to answer your last question I told my self by the begining of next year I would be at that point and when all of this came up I began to re-evaluate that "drop dead date" because in all honestly the thought of it makes be not be able to breathe. I am really trying to trust right now but Lord knows I do not want to have to be put in the situation to have to make the decesion to leave. Memorial Day weekend this was my main point, I let him know very clearly (but not rude or as a threat) that waiting for the sake of waiting for another 4 years was NOT an option.

 

[diva rose]

EntitledPearl - I feel your pain.
However I think it is best not to mention it to your BF/SO.
You heard it from a third party - words can get changed as more people get involved.
It is going to be very hard, try to brush it aside and act like nothing happened.

If he is ready, he will propose and you two will share a magical moment together.
Why ruin it by discussing it with him? Unless you are not ready for marriage and you don't want a proposal.

If you talk about it with him and he isn't ready -
1. you will be more upset
2. he will get frustrated because he will either feel bad that he isn't ready and will feel the pressure that you do want a proposal.

If you talk about it with him and he is ready -
1. you would have ruined the surprise element
2. he will feel stressed that you know and now he has to work change his plans

I personally don't see any positives of discussing it with him. Some things are best not spoken.
I can understand why your friend told you but she has just opened Pandora's box.

I was in the same boat as you about a few years ago in regards to partners being 'not ready'.

My DH knew very early into our relationship that I was 'the one'. However he wasn't ready for marriage because he viewed it as a financial/children issue. For example, we'll have to get kids and a mortgage as soon as we marry. Goodness knows why because those were the last things on my mind. I already had a property under my name and I have no desire for kids yet.
He wanted to be able to provide for me, have a stable income, have a lovely wedding and buy me the ring I would love/something he would be proud of.

Obviously I had moments of agnoy and disappointments when he didn't propose within my time frame, but I realised during my LIW period that it wasn't about me. It was about finances and how he felt he can provide for me as a husband.
As soon as he had enough money, he was ready and happily proposed. I will never forget the look on his face the day he proposed to me nor the day we got married.

In the end, the proposal and marriage is about two people, not just one person. Both parties need to be ready.
It sounds like your SO knows you are 'the one' but he is uncertain about timing. Based on this and my own personal experience, I suggest you drop the topic about marriage all together. When I did this, my DH was basically shoving pictures of diamond rings in my face frequently to get a response.

If you don't mind me asking, what is your SO's current work/financial situation?
That plays a huge role on when the guy is ready. I know for one, I was not ready for marriage or even a serious relationship till my late 20s. My DH wasn't thinking marriage till mid 30s.

 

[entitledpearl22]

Diva Rose, I am laying here reading your post in tears... not out of sadness but apprecaiton. It is so helpful to have this forum, not that I dont have girlfriends but my closest friends have all gotten engaged/marriend in the last 12 months so really this is my haven now for this topic.

Any way he works for a large corporation in a pre-management role and makes slightly more than I do but let say he's "well over the poverty line" but still has studen loans a debt he is working down form college. Likewise he thinks of marriage = house and kids immediatly and I dont. Also, on the career front he is really an entreprenuer at heart and is preparing to go back for his MBA next year (as am i)... this is the only thing I would be willing to wait "additonal" time for and he knows it. If he'd prefer to not be married as we both pursue our post grad degrees that would be okay with me as long as we set a date for soon after.

All of that to say thank you for sharing your story and I try to remember that the waiting is just training...the hardest thng about a marriage is NOT waiting for a proposal so this is nothing in comparrison.

 

[monarch64]

Either he is going to ask you and she just gave you a huge hint
or he is not going to ask you and she's being a bitch trying to tell you that he's about to propose
Or
I'm the old bitch who needs to get the f out of LIW...and I think I will go with the 3rd.

But really...best of luck.

 

[diva rose]

EntitledPearl - big hugs and let it all out
I'm glad I can be of help to you.

I understand about your friends - I was one of the first girls getting engaged/married in both my and DH's circle of friends.
I wish I knew of PS during my LIW period. That would have saved me a lot of tears and time.

Monarch - don't leave! The LIWs need you here.

 

[monarch64]

Gah!

I am blunt to a fault--sorry.

It is possibly/probably due in part to the fact that I have 10+ years on many of you.

It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES and it's like I'm speaking to my former self and trying to SAVE YOU FROM THE PAIN AND RIDICULOUSNESS...but I shouldn't. You have to see it/do it/learn it for yourselves, just like I did.

I'm not old by any means. I've just been there already.

It is all an uphill thing until you reach the top of the hill and go "damn, wait a minute..." I had to do that, too. I really did. And in most cases it took me TWICE to learn.

That's why I say I'm outtie on the LIW thing...I've been married once. It was fun coming here for the second round, but some of the strife, and the downright bullshit, and the utter desperation, was never a part of my first time, so I just can't deal....I hope you guys understand.

You are all great ladies and you will come into your own. You will. Thank you all very much for letting me share a small part of the fun times of LIW. Much love. ~M64

 

[nicoleben]

Gah!

I am blunt to a fault--sorry.

It is possibly/probably due in part to the fact that I have 10+ years on many of you.

It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES and it's like I'm speaking to my former self and trying to SAVE YOU FROM THE PAIN AND RIDICULOUSNESS...but I shouldn't. You have to see it/do it/learn it for yourselves, just like I did.

I'm not old by any means. I've just been there already.

It is all an uphill thing until you reach the top of the hill and go "damn, wait a minute..." I had to do that, too. I really did. And in most cases it took me TWICE to learn.

That's why I say I'm outtie on the LIW thing...I've been married once. It was fun coming here for the second round, but some of the strife, and the downright bullshit, and the utter desperation, was never a part of my first time, so I just can't deal....I hope you guys understand.

You are all great ladies and you will come into your own. You will. Thank you all very much for letting me share a small part of the fun times of LIW. Much love. ~M64

Monarch- There is nothing wrong with voicing your opinion. You are right that we will all learn and look back on this time and maybe regret a few things, but that is what life is about. You live, you learn, and sometimes your downright ridiculous! (not you, but just some of us LIW's in general.) I can see your view and where you are coming from in your posts (you have been there before, etc etc)

I do not think it is utter desperation, it is excitement (Times are changing, most of us have picked out our ring which even adds more to the excitement because we know it is coming!) Yes, some of us are over the top excited and maybe have made some mistakes in the past, but it is something from us to learn from, and simply just relax! It is ladies like you who knock us into place and make us realize the ridiculous things we have done. Thank you.

 

[Indylady]

I wouldn't take relationship "hints" or "secrets" from someone who's not in the relationship. How do you take it? You take it and toss it out with the trash.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Any chance she was pumping you for information, either about your relationship or her relationship? You said she's not really your friend, she's a friend through the guys, so maybe she had other motives than you thought.

Also, if you were under the impression that him saying "I'm ready" meant everything was a go, and then you clarified in concrete terms where he is in the process and figured out you weren't exactly on the same page, why would she be getting better, clearer info?

I think you should try to go out and get some single girlfriends and enjoy the single factor for a while. Being around all of your newlywed friends is just going to put your situations in contrast. Get out there and have some fun and lay off on making this a personal project.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[princesss]

I wouldn't take relationship "hints" or "secrets" from someone who's not in the relationship. How do you take it? You take it and toss it out with the trash.

Ding ding ding ding ding! We have a winner.

Ignore this girl. She's creating drama where there doesn't need to be any.

 

[blacksand]

Gah!

I am blunt to a fault--sorry.

You bluntness is directly proportionate to my sanity. Please don't leave.

 

[amc80]

It sounds like you are okay with your situation for now. I say just sit tight. No reason to create drama or cause an argument. I would pretend like you never spoke with the girl. I mean really, worst case scenario? She's wrong, and you're in the exact same situation you are now. Best case? She's right, and your engagement is coming sooner than expected.

 

[Amys Bling]

Well, I think you need to addres the "x" concerns he has....

if it's a concern of financials, grad school, student loans, buying a ring, house/mortgage...honeymoon etc.. EVERYONE understands that, and it's valid and doenst change the intentions or feeling in the realtionship. I had to get through that with my FI too. He was holding off on getting me a ring (dating for over a decade) because we bought a house, have student loans, and etc.. and wanted to be in a place to get me the "ring I deserved" and not go into further debt and feel financially strapped.


If "x" is about the current relationship, issues between the two of you, etc..... then that should be a "red flag" as to say. If there are things the two of you are unhappy about regarding your relationship... those are things that really need to be worked out before engagment and marriage are a thought...

Good Luck- your day will come...hopefully sooner than later...

 

[Jessie702]

Personally, i would say sit tight and dont tell him she called. My SO's Best Mates wife has done this to me twice, the first time, i talked to him about it, and it turned into a fight on our end. So dont say anything, IF she contacts you again, or more than twice, i would than say something to maybe her. Mayeb say somethign along the lines of "WE ahve discussed our sitation, and thank you for trying to be helpful. But i would not like to know any more information"

 

[kagordo4]

Whooa, I totally see why you're asking your advice. I'm confused for you.

Maybe... you should talk to him? I mean I don't really see any other options unless you do nothing. Both situations could bring some serious hurt though, especially if you're post-epiphany hurting still. Why would she tell you that.. strange. Is she one of your sisters?

 

[tyty333]

I wouldn't take relationship "hints" or "secrets" from someone who's not in the relationship. How do you take it? You take it and toss it out with the trash.

Ding ding ding ding ding! We have a winner.

Ignore this girl. She's creating drama where there doesn't need to be any.

Gotta agree with the girls...I would just ignore the info she gave you. You dont know what she heard and she
may have misinterpreted it.

If he is ready then you should know soon enough. Otherwise, he's still not ready.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I wouldn't take relationship "hints" or "secrets" from someone who's not in the relationship. How do you take it? You take it and toss it out with the trash.

Ding ding ding ding ding! We have a winner.

Ignore this girl. She's creating drama where there doesn't need to be any.

Gotta agree with the girls...I would just ignore the info she gave you. You dont know what she heard and she
may have misinterpreted it.

If he is ready then you should know soon enough. Otherwise, he's still not ready.

Ditto. Move on and focus on enjoying *today* with your bf, get your mind out of the future and stay in the present.

 

[FrekeChild]

Gah!

I am blunt to a fault--sorry.

It is possibly/probably due in part to the fact that I have 10+ years on many of you.

It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES and it's like I'm speaking to my former self and trying to SAVE YOU FROM THE PAIN AND RIDICULOUSNESS...but I shouldn't. You have to see it/do it/learn it for yourselves, just like I did.

I'm not old by any means. I've just been there already.

It is all an uphill thing until you reach the top of the hill and go "damn, wait a minute..." I had to do that, too. I really did. And in most cases it took me TWICE to learn.

That's why I say I'm outtie on the LIW thing...I've been married once. It was fun coming here for the second round, but some of the strife, and the downright bullshit, and the utter desperation, was never a part of my first time, so I just can't deal....I hope you guys understand.

You are all great ladies and you will come into your own. You will. Thank you all very much for letting me share a small part of the fun times of LIW. Much love. ~M64

Monarch- There is nothing wrong with voicing your opinion. You are right that we will all learn and look back on this time and maybe regret a few things, but that is what life is about. You live, you learn, and sometimes your downright ridiculous! (not you, but just some of us LIW's in general.) I can see your view and where you are coming from in your posts (you have been there before, etc etc)

I do not think it is utter desperation, it is excitement (Times are changing, most of us have picked out our ring which even adds more to the excitement because we know it is coming!) Yes, some of us are over the top excited and maybe have made some mistakes in the past, but it is something from us to learn from, and simply just relax! It is ladies like you who knock us into place and make us realize the ridiculous things we have done. Thank you.

Where you see excitement, we smell desperation.

 

[KatyWI]

Monarch- There is nothing wrong with voicing your opinion. You are right that we will all learn and look back on this time and maybe regret a few things, but that is what life is about. You live, you learn, and sometimes your downright ridiculous! (not you, but just some of us LIW's in general.) I can see your view and where you are coming from in your posts (you have been there before, etc etc)

I do not think it is utter desperation, it is excitement (Times are changing, most of us have picked out our ring which even adds more to the excitement because we know it is coming!) Yes, some of us are over the top excited and maybe have made some mistakes in the past, but it is something from us to learn from, and simply just relax! It is ladies like you who knock us into place and make us realize the ridiculous things we have done. Thank you.

Where you see excitement, we smell desperation.

Ditto..

 

[entitledpearl22]

its just that plain and simple...

 

[entitledpearl22]

Valid point... I guess its the wishful thinking that maybe she knew somethinhg I didnt. But in reality eveyone is right, IF she does than great but most likely I am exactly where I was a week ago...

 

[entitledpearl22]

Any chance she was pumping you for information, either about your relationship or her relationship? You said she's not really your friend, she's a friend through the guys, so maybe she had other motives than you thought.

Also, if you were under the impression that him saying "I'm ready" meant everything was a go, and then you clarified in concrete terms where he is in the process and figured out you weren't exactly on the same page, why would she be getting better, clearer info?

I think you should try to go out and get some single girlfriends and enjoy the single factor for a while. Being around all of your newlywed friends is just going to put your situations in contrast. Get out there and have some fun and lay off on making this a personal project.

Just my 2 cents.

Good point on the pumping for info.. she is known to be a snoop. And I guess I thought maybe he's changed his mind ( or come around or whatever we want to call it) and it was just sooner than I guessed...I hate to admit it but whoever it was that said what we call excitement others see as desperation is sooooooo true. I was reading through this thread and thinking gosh I am not that pathetic of a person... who is this person.

And on the friends plea, I could try but honestly I am so busy I wouldnt even know when to find the time to make new friends... unfortunately im at a wedding literally every weekend or doing things for the several weddings I am in... I just cant seem to get away from "marriage/wedding stuff (nor do I really want to, I love my friends and I am truely very happy for them).

At any rate, thanks for sharing.

 

[entitledpearl22]

It sounds like you are okay with your situation for now. I say just sit tight. No reason to create drama or cause an argument. I would pretend like you never spoke with the girl. I mean really, worst case scenario? She's wrong, and you're in the exact same situation you are now. Best case? She's right, and your engagement is coming sooner than expected.

You are 100% correct.... and although I am okay for now I do slightly hope for the latter.

 

[entitledpearl22]

Well, I think you need to addres the "x" concerns he has....

if it's a concern of financials, grad school, student loans, buying a ring, house/mortgage...honeymoon etc.. EVERYONE understands that, and it's valid and doenst change the intentions or feeling in the realtionship. I had to get through that with my FI too. He was holding off on getting me a ring (dating for over a decade) because we bought a house, have student loans, and etc.. and wanted to be in a place to get me the "ring I deserved" and not go into further debt and feel financially strapped.


If "x" is about the current relationship, issues between the two of you, etc..... then that should be a "red flag" as to say. If there are things the two of you are unhappy about regarding your relationship... those are things that really need to be worked out before engagment and marriage are a thought...

Good Luck- your day will come...hopefully sooner than later...

Thankfully its not the second paragraph! Its the first plus a couple of other things (certian members of my family's dependancy on me, him wanting me to take more time to take care of me etc.)