Not understanding myself right now

[MBKRH]

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear...but I have to tell you my story because it's relevant to your issue!

My SO (soon-to-be FI) started off as a "crush." At the time that I met my SO, I was dating someone whom I had been with for over 2 years and had been living with for 6 months. While my ex BF and I never really talked about getting married, I was still absolutely crazy about him! Until.....I met my SO. I fought the feelings that I had for him for a really long time because of my situation. Ultimately, I knew what I had to do...and I chose my SO. The moment I met him...something just clicked in my head and part of me already knew that things were not meant to be with my EX BF. I struggled with the feelings I had for a while. I was upset about it for a long time. I fought it and did everything I could to deny it because I didn't WANT to leave my EX and have to start completely over again. It was a risky move----I wasn't 100% that things between my current SO and I would work back then. I knew my EX was a sure thing...marriage would have been inevitable. He had always said we would talk about it after we had lived together a while, and I was okay with that. We were compatible and had a great little life that we had recently started together. I took a big risk and I lost him and all of that. To this day, I still feel guilty for leaving my ex for another guy the way that I did. I never wanted to hurt him, as he was and still is very, very special to me and will always hold a special place in my heart. But I wouldn't take any of it back. I'm so much happier now than I ever have been. It is probably the most difficult decision I have ever had to make, but ultimately, I followed my heart and I did what I truly felt was right.

I'm not saying you should leave your man because you have a little crush on a classmate. I guess mine was more than I crush...I think I fell in love with him after seeing him around about 4 times. But I don't think you should ignore this because I think it means something. I think you should talk to your classmate. Does he have feelings for you too?

Something similar happened to me; the only difference is I was unhappy for a long time, but I just didn't have the guts to do anything about it. And my (now) ex and I come from different worlds, but I was blinded by "love" and just "toughed it out" because I thought things would get better.

Then, before I knew it, I was 28, and we were still carrying on as if we were 21/22. He had no motivation to move on in life. He was content in his mother's basement, no college degree, and working part time 2, maybe 3 nights a week. It was always his way or the highway. I paid for everything, gave everything, and received very little in return. That's when I knew I didn't want a future with this guy. And so, I sat miserable for a long, long time.

It's a lousy situation to be in. You don't want to lose someone that you do care about, and have invested so much time in. But, you need to know when it's time to cut your losses and move on. I was sick to my stomach the day I drove to his house and broke things off. Looking back, I wish I wouldn't have spent a majority of my twenties with someone who I thought wanted a future with me, but didn't put forth the effort.

 

[inflorescence]

Glad to hear from you SPG! Thank you for the update.
Stay in touch SPG! I'm very interested in how the next little while goes for you...

Thank you Enerchi for all your advice and support you have given to me on various threads, I appreciate it more then you can imagine.

 

[Enerchi]

Aw, SPG!!! Glad I could offer some words that meant something to you!

I'm old and married and have lived thru stuff (you know... all the things your mom says...) so maybe I've got a different perspective. But it is rough. This is not a pleasant time for you - emotional, holidays, school, stress, family.... ugh ugh ugh. Just go slow on whatever you decide to do.

I'm hear - any time! - happy to listen (hang in there - I'm in your corner!)

 

[tammy77]

I'm sorry, I just can't fathom spending my life with someone that made me feel inadequate to be the mother of his child because I didn't do well on a bleeping test. As a PP said (princess, maybe?), my DH doesn't need me to be a genius on paper. He's extremely intelligent and for a good while I felt inferior. I won't lie, it took him telling me several times that he knows I'm smart by the things that DO matter - our conversations, the way I live my life, etc. and to stop worrying about it before it sunk in.

I'm not saying to ditch your BF, but I would want more for myself than someone that set up hoops for me to jump through in order to "earn" a proposal and the title of "wife material". Yes, this struck a nerve. Sorry!

 

[SomethingSinful]

your bf needs to realize that you are his partner NOT his employee

 

[Imdanny]

Hmm.

Am I mistaken a person could be a) left at the alter, b) broken up with after accepting a proposal of marriage, c) while "boyfriend and girlfriend"? Yes? And D) after marriage.

So that's a tricky one. You're either with someone or you're not, you're either going to be with them or not.

I mean "one" not "you" as in you, OP.

I was surprised when you said your boyfriend was "quite feminine." I don't judge people. I don't judge people's choices of a partner. Thus, it would be a waste of time to discuss this concern with me in any detail, however, two people may want to be, I'm being diplomatic, compatible with each other (opposites attract and all that) or they might want to go a different route. Again, I don't judge. It's just something to think about.

The other thing I noticed, and this I do judge and disapprove of most strenuously is anyone holding anyone's academic achievement over someone else vis a vis will they be an adequate wife and mother. How outrageous.

As a matter of fact, when I went to college, at that time, during those years, Barron's Profiles of American Colleges had only between 30 and 35 schools in its "Most Competitive" category based solely on objective admissions data, specifically percentage of applicants admitted. The list started with A (Amherst) and ended with Y (Yale) and, BTW, it included the military academies. So that's 35 out of, I think it's 1,700? and my alma mater was on that list between A and Y. Those kind of people don't intimidate me in the least. Been there, done that. It is just indescribably rude to condition love and acceptance of a potential life partner based on such a bizarre scenario as one person opening up a test score and shaming the other person.

And I'm sorry if what I am about to say offends anyone at all, but I would leave this person immediately on the basis of this behavior, attitude, and mindset, period.

SO and I met in college and have known each other for 20, 21 years. We've been together for 17 years. Being with anyone for a lifetime is not easy. It's not easy because while you "have" the other person, you also have the responsibility that comes with caring for another person until death. It really doesn't get any more serious than that.

Dude who thinks he's so smart because of his test scores has a lot remedial street smarts necessary.

Best.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I feel this strongly about it because this situation really reminds me of my past relationship with the mr. phd the neural engineer. Every freaking time I got a B+ he was disappointed in me and questioned our relationship. It could be a B+ in advanced control system design where the class average is a C- and I would still hear about how he doesn't want somebody average as the mother of his children.

You guys have no idea how much I loathe this. It sounds like the guy is shopping for a womb and child minder, not an equal partner.

 

[mimB]

I feel unqualified to give advice, being 23 and in the process of divorce, but I'd like to tell my take on "crushing on people other than one's SO".

Minor background: my soon to be ex-husband is 4 years older than me (which should have been clue #1 that the relationship would not progress smoothly). We started dating when I was finishing up 11th grade in Highschool, moved in together during my first semester of my undergraduate degree (exchanged rings, agreed we're as good as married), officially married in civil ceremony the summer after I graduated with my Bachelors, and..... I happily separated from him almost exactly two years after.
All in all, 5 years of commitment.

And throughout that whole time, I almost continuously had crushes.
In hindsight, I was very good at selecting non-available individuals: already taken friends, handsome teaching assistants to my courses (the lot of them already married), my manager at work, japanese actors, even my younger sister's friends (ok, so it now sounds like I've lived for several decades - in fact I crushed on a single sample of each of the listed groups. Naming them in multiples just sounds like better story telling .
And despite the crushes being intense (I'd dream about them, giggle to myself in empty elevators after passing them, etc), they never interfered, even in my mind, with my naively hopeful devotion to my husband.
During said crushes, because they were never a threat to my need for my husband, I never thought it was wrong or dangerous to have them.
In fact, I thought they were likely the way of life, the means to still having that thrill of chase, the thrill of uncertainty, even after you're already settled down with someone.

In my case, I was in a well crafted self delusion.
In reality, I lacked affection and consideration from my husband. Lacked a hopeful outlook for a future together, lacked attention and support. He didn't think much of me, and I ended up thinking nothing of myself and not understanding why it felt like my life was already over - I liked myself so much as a teenager, where did all my potential go now?
Well, in such an environment, what better way to escape the feeling of doom and unhappiness than to redirect affection? Because, at least with these crushes, it was obvious that I couldn't be reciprocated, that the only way to hope for anything more dreamy and personal was to suspend disbelief and invent fantasies to indulge in.

Now, I am with someone who doesn't convert my life into constant doubt of my self worth. On the contrary, in addition to the standard lovy dovyness, we try to practice helping each other blossom, to rediscover the kind of people we want to be and help each other get there. I don't know if we'll manage to keep it up, but right now I am emotionally sated.

And all those individuals I crushed on are still around, still in my life, but only detached coolness remains towards them in my mind.

....
The moral of my story being... My opinion, based solely on my own experience, is that crushes on people outside of your main relationship are a symptom of Some need that isn't getting fulfilled.
What you plan to do about fulfilling it, if anything, is a different matter.

 

[Amys Bling]

MimB I think your moral is really important and spot on in many situations..

 

[madelise]

i wonder how inflorescence is doing.. where are you hiding!! you haven't updated us in a while :/ hope you're doing well!!