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Off-topic: Father''''s blessing

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mrhand

Rough_Rock
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I plan on visiting my soon to be father in law and be "old school" and ask for his blessing to marry his daughter.
 

This might be in the wrong forum..


At any rate I am in this exact position. I have to speak to both her parents (over the phone) tomorrow evening as I plan to propose on Thursday. I personally do not see the point of visiting the parents in person if you live out of town unless you have the resources and time to take the trip, but I think it is a nice courtesy to ask regardless of traditions.



D
 
Even though my girlfriend has been married once before, I still felt that I should talk to her father. I took him to lunch a little over a week ago, and asked if he was ok with us, and he told me nothing would make him and his wife happier.
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I’m the father of a married adult daughter so take my opinion for what it’s worth. I’m a big fan of this sort of tradition. You’re becoming a relative and a member of his family and it’s a respectful thing to do. It’s one of those questions you should only ask if you already are pretty confident that you know the answer (rather like when you decide to ask HER). The difference between permission and blessing is important and it will depend on what you plan to do if you fear the answer is no. Since it's not really his decision anyway I would be inclined to phrase it as asking for a blessing. You'll make his day, and possibly his year. What a wonderful way to contribute to your relationship with him.

Advice to fathers... Assuming your daughter says yes, ALWAYS give your blessing, and if your daughter says no, who cares?

Yes, I think you should do it in person if you can at all arrange it. It's worth going out of your way.

Neil Beaty
GG(GIA) ICGA(AGS) NAJA
Professional Appraisals in Denver
 
Yeah, it doesn''t hurt and for some parents it''s really important. I was married before and it galled my parents that we hadn''t given them the respect of consulting with them. So, this time around, even though I was an old divorced lady and hadn''t lived at home for a gazillion years, I knew it would make them feel a whole lot better about my (then) future husband if we pretended their opinion was going to make a difference.
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yes, ask for his Blessing. It most definitely is a sign of respect
 
It''s always a good thing to ask for the parents blessing. It''s old fashioned, but it shows respect and acknowledgement that you will become a part of their family.
 
Don't forget to discuss terms.
Ask him if he'll throw in a couple of goats and, if she's not such a babe, ask for some cattle.
 
My opinion on this matter is that if you are going to ask the father, ask the mother as well. Although it may be more traditional (to ask the father specifically), it does not make sense to me to not include the mother in this gesture/tradition. I think it sends a respectful message to the whole family, including your future wife! I have flipped back on forth about my feelings about asking in the first place (I am 27 yo female from the san francisco bay area), but ultimately I think it is a gracious and humble gesture, and in most families it would go over very well.

Best of luck to you, I can only imagine the anxiety!!! (Although of course, I''m sure it will go well :)
 
Date: 11/11/2009 12:54:24 PM
Author: Sparkle Blinded
My opinion on this matter is that if you are going to ask the father, ask the mother as well.
Click to expand...

I concur wholeheartedly and actually just did this last Sunday. It is certainly a sign of respect and I don''t see why you wouldn''t do it (unless you and/or your significant other do not have a good relationship with them).
 
Date: 11/11/2009 12:54:24 PM
Author: Sparkle Blinded
My opinion on this matter is that if you are going to ask the father, ask the mother as well. Although it may be more traditional (to ask the father specifically), it does not make sense to me to not include the mother in this gesture/tradition. I think it sends a respectful message to the whole family, including your future wife! I have flipped back on forth about my feelings about asking in the first place (I am 27 yo female from the san francisco bay area), but ultimately I think it is a gracious and humble gesture, and in most families it would go over very well.

Best of luck to you, I can only imagine the anxiety!!! (Although of course, I''m sure it will go well :)
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I agree with asking the mother as well. My parents have been seperated for a very long time, and although I didn''t have a good relationship with my mother at the time, my hubby wanted to start off on the right foot with both of them by asking both for their blessings.
 
As a young woman with strong liberal feminist leanings, I told my husband that I would be very offended if he would have asked either of my parents, be it for blessing or permission. It just rubs me the wrong way, in that the only people who should have any influence on the decision to get married should be the two of us. I understand that there''s a difference between asking for permission and blessing for most people, and that most people don''t feel how I do about it, but the line feels too blurred for me. He listened to my wishes and just asked me without going to my parents...that gives me a huge amount of respect for him.

Just wanted to give you guys a different perspective, since I''m sure most people will say ask for the parents'' blessing. Speaking of, I would certainly try to talk to both parents, not just the father, to make it less sexist.
 
Since a blessing is a Christian gesture, what other ways are there to respect the parents without bring up permission or blessing?

Any suggestions?

But I am with you, jstarfireb. I don't want to give my FSIL permission. It will be my daughter that he needs to ask permission from. And I am not religious so the blessing thing would be inappropriate.
 
Date: 11/11/2009 1:02:21 PM
Author: jstarfireb
I would certainly try to talk to both parents, not just the father, to make it less sexist.
Click to expand...

Yeah, it can have some of that property-transfer feeling to it.
 
We both asked for the blessing of BOTH sets of parents. I am a very liberal girl and my idea of being feminist is that both sides have to do it equally. So we asked for the blessing/permission of my father as well as his parents. We wouldn''t have done it any other way.

I don''t see it as a sexist thing to do, but a very polite and proper thing to do.
 
Date: 11/11/2009 1:03:33 PM
Author: swingirl
Since a blessing is a Christian gesture, what other ways are there to respect the parents without bring up permission or blessing?


Any suggestions?


But I am with you, jstarfireb. I don't want to give my FSIL permission. It will be my daughter that he needs to ask permission from. And I am not religious so the blessing thing would be inappropriate.
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I disagree, blessing is not a Christian gesture or even necessarily a religious one but if it feels uncomfortable it’s certainly not necessary. Perhaps it's just a semantic question. 'I wish you all the best in your future life together and I'll be proud to have you as part of my family if my daughter chooses to make it so.' is what I would call a blessing with no religious overtones. By all means ask Mom, Grandma and anyone else that seems appropriate for the circumstances. It’s true that the tradition of the man asking the bride’s father has a certain sexist overtone to it but traditions tend to be that way, sort of like that it’s the bride who usually gets the spiffiest ring. A little bit of that kind of thing won’t kill even the most hardened feminist. Being ‘old fashioned’ isn’t all bad (I guess that means I’m old fashioned).

Neil Beaty
GG(GIA) ICGA(AGS) NAJA
Professional Appraisals in Denver
 
Date: 11/11/2009 1:02:21 PM
Author: jstarfireb
As a young woman with strong liberal feminist leanings, I told my husband that I would be very offended if he would have asked either of my parents, be it for blessing or permission. It just rubs me the wrong way, in that the only people who should have any influence on the decision to get married should be the two of us. I understand that there''s a difference between asking for permission and blessing for most people, and that most people don''t feel how I do about it, but the line feels too blurred for me. He listened to my wishes and just asked me without going to my parents...that gives me a huge amount of respect for him.


Just wanted to give you guys a different perspective, since I''m sure most people will say ask for the parents'' blessing. Speaking of, I would certainly try to talk to both parents, not just the father, to make it less sexist.
Click to expand...

I got a kick out of your reply. My mom who was a feminist before the term was used. She was really pleased my now husband came and asked my parents for my hand. It was a nice gesture, did they know we would get married even if they did not "approve", of course but it was still nice and my parents were really impressed. My husband told them practical things too about our lifestyle etc. My parents are both deceased now and I know my husband is still pleased he spoke with them.

Do not hesitate to talk to the parents. Now that am one I hope my future SIL, whenever the time comes will come to us, if for no other reason then it is a kind gesture.
 
Date: 11/11/2009 1:02:21 PM
Author: jstarfireb
As a young woman with strong liberal feminist leanings, I told my husband that I would be very offended if he would have asked either of my parents, be it for blessing or permission. It just rubs me the wrong way, in that the only people who should have any influence on the decision to get married should be the two of us. I understand that there''s a difference between asking for permission and blessing for most people, and that most people don''t feel how I do about it, but the line feels too blurred for me. He listened to my wishes and just asked me without going to my parents...that gives me a huge amount of respect for him.

Just wanted to give you guys a different perspective, since I''m sure most people will say ask for the parents'' blessing. Speaking of, I would certainly try to talk to both parents, not just the father, to make it less sexist.
Click to expand...
I agree with jstarfireb. I honestly would not have accepted a proposal from a man who would do this.
 
Date: 11/11/2009 1:40:40 PM
Author: JSRNM
Date: 11/11/2009 1:02:21 PM

Author: jstarfireb

As a young woman with strong liberal feminist leanings, I told my husband that I would be very offended if he would have asked either of my parents, be it for blessing or permission. It just rubs me the wrong way, in that the only people who should have any influence on the decision to get married should be the two of us. I understand that there''s a difference between asking for permission and blessing for most people, and that most people don''t feel how I do about it, but the line feels too blurred for me. He listened to my wishes and just asked me without going to my parents...that gives me a huge amount of respect for him.



Just wanted to give you guys a different perspective, since I''m sure most people will say ask for the parents'' blessing. Speaking of, I would certainly try to talk to both parents, not just the father, to make it less sexist.
Click to expand...


I got a kick out of your reply. My mom who was a feminist before the term was used. She was really pleased my now husband came and asked my parents for my hand. It was a nice gesture, did they know we would get married even if they did not ''approve'', of course but it was still nice and my parents were really impressed. My husband told them practical things too about our lifestyle etc. My parents are both deceased now and I know my husband is still pleased he spoke with them.


Do not hesitate to talk to the parents. Now that am one I hope my future SIL, whenever the time comes will come to us, if for no other reason then it is a kind gesture.
Click to expand...

Yup, to each their own, of course! That''s the beauty of modern feminism; it''s all about the freedom to form your own opinions and make your own choices. I don''t find it unusual at all that your mom and I came to opposite conclusions while both being proud feminists.

For me, Kenny hit the nail on the head with the "property transfer" analogy. And while I don''t take any issue with others making this gesture, I just didn''t want any part of it myself. Swingirl, I wasn''t even thinking of blessing in the religious sense, but perhaps that''s part of why I, as a non-religious person, object to it. And clgwli, what you said makes the most sense...that the couple should talk not only to the mother and father of the woman, but also both parents of the man. That''s truly the most equal way to do it.
 
FI and I were 21 when we started looking at rings, I had just turned 22 when he proposed. Being so young meant that building our lives together meant a involved a lot of association and assistance from both our parents. My family is very traditional, so FI and I decided it would be a nice gesture to talk to them beforehand. Both families knew he was looking, though, so we knew noone would be anything but delighted, and my parents were thrilled that he indulged them with this admittedly conservative gesture.

I think if both parties are older and more established asking the parents, if one party desires it, becomes a formality.
 
My husband asked my father for his ''go ahead'' before he proposed. Hubby is traditional and thought it would be a nice and respectful gesture.
 
I like to think of it more as "informing" than "asking", this way no one can be offended! Of course nowadays brides don''t usually live with their parents, and don''t need permission. But family harmony is priceless!

The conversation my husband had with my father went something along those lines. But it was a nice gesture and opened the door for my husband, who had met my father only twice at that point (we live out of state), to have a relationship.
 
I guess I''m old fashioned too but I definitely think speaking with the father - or mother and father - is the right thing to do. If there are issues, that would be the time to work it out rather than you becoming engaged and then discovering that they had reservations.

It just shows respect and good character IMO. It will go a long way in starting out on the right foot. Her happiness is very important to them as it is to you. My husband did it and my son asked his intended''s family. My daughter''s fiancee asked as well - it just feels right and makes the family feel a part of the process too!
 
I think it''s absolutely gallant of you to even consider asking but I would definitely include both parents. Good luck!!!
 
I think its an incredibly polite gesture on your behalf. My FI did not ask, but I don''t mind. I actually prefer that he didn''t because my father is a very very very difficult man to deal with sometimes. He knows this.

The property-transfer thing. Yeah. I''m doing that. LOL. The traditional wedding ceremony in my part of the word is the "ijab-kabul" which literally means "property-transfer". It is a two day ceremony; the first day is when my father acknowledges that he has to let me go and give me away, and the second day he will officially give my hand to future hubby. I am considered the property in this ceremony. I''m a non-practising Muslim so I didn''t know about all this stuff until mum told me hehehe
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I just finished asking both of her parents about an hour ago. Her mom was very excited and I her dad was happy about it too. I also do not perceive this as religious in anyway, but as a way of respectfully informing her parents of your intentions.

D
 
Congrats DavR!

My fiance talked to my father about asking me to marry him before proposing. It wasn''t really an ask for permission, but more of a "heads-up", if you will. After my fiance told him, there was a long pause and then my father said "well, are you sure she''ll say yes?" He was joking of course, but he wanted to tweak my fiance just a little about it.
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I''m glad that he did talk to him beforehand. It''s just a nice little gesture.
 
Congratulations!!
 
Date: 11/11/2009 4:40:11 PM
Author: jsm
I like to think of it more as ''informing'' than ''asking'', this way no one can be offended! Of course nowadays brides don''t usually live with their parents, and don''t need permission. But family harmony is priceless!


The conversation my husband had with my father went something along those lines. But it was a nice gesture and opened the door for my husband, who had met my father only twice at that point (we live out of state), to have a relationship.
Click to expand...

technically, i''m not married yet but ITA to this (SPECIALLY the highlighted part!)!

and congratulations to DavR!
 
Date: 11/11/2009 4:40:11 PM
Author: jsm
I like to think of it more as ''informing'' than ''asking'', this way no one can be offended! Of course nowadays brides don''t usually live with their parents, and don''t need permission. But family harmony is priceless!

The conversation my husband had with my father went something along those lines. But it was a nice gesture and opened the door for my husband, who had met my father only twice at that point (we live out of state), to have a relationship.
Click to expand...
totally agree. when my now-husband and i had started having serious discussions about marriage, i told him it would be important to me if he let my dad know what was going on. i was going through a rough patch in my relationship with my father, but to me it was still important since i didn''t want to be the one to break the news that the first of his 3 daughters was getting married :) he simply called him on the phone, explained that he planned on proposing that weekend, and wanted to call to let my dad know of his intentions. it wasn''t necessarily asking for a blessing or permission, since my dad and i weren''t very close at the time anyway. andy said it was the most awkward conserstation of his life, but he was glad that he did it. my dad said it was the proudest moment of his life besides the day each of us were born. and honestly, i think it has brought all of us so much closer- i''m back to being "daddy''s little girl."

since my parents are divorced, my husband also called my mom. he waited until right before the proposal so she didn''t spill the beans
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my older sister was engaged a few months after me. her FI didn''t call either parent, with the excuse "i had never been engaged before, i didn''t know." my mom was pretty upset by it- she just wished he would have given her the "heads up." it still leaves a bad taste in her mouth, and probably always will.

moral of the story- doesn''t hurt, if it''s something the family would appreciate.
 
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