Off-topic: Father''''s blessing

[wannaBMrsH]

I am don''t consider myself conservative or liberal, but in my family, we grew up with the story of how my grandparents asked for my mom''s hand for my father. My maternal grandmother was a single mom in the 70s and my mom was in her late teens when my parents wanted to get married.

My father spoke to his parents (my grandparents) and they all went to speak to my mom''s mom. My maternal grandmother adored my paternal grandparents until her death and she countlessly told us how my grandfather promised her that if she granted my mom''s hand for his youngest son, my mother would never lack for anything. That he knew my mom grew up without a dad and that if my grandmother allowed it, he would be her father from then on. My grandmother said yes and my mom screamed YES and they were engaged and married within months.

Thirteen years later, my parents divorced, but I remember that my grandpa used to come by at least once a week with eggs, milk, OJ, etc. and when he was dying, he told her that of his 9 daughters, she was always his favorite. My dad only has 8 sisters.

When my brother got married, my parents (who are divorced) went together with him and his godparents to ask her parents and godparents for his bride''s hand.

I told my now husband these stories because I wanted him to know how much it meant to me to have a grandfather that lived up to his word and to know that if nothing else, we value our family and all who become a part of it. My parents don''t speak English and my DH doesn''t speak Spanish. But he learned enough Spanish to get on a plane and go see them alone and ask for my hand. I know that my dad has a tremendous amount of respect for my husband simply because he took them into account.

Would it have made a difference in our decision to be married? NO...
Does it make a difference in the way my family sees him and loves him? ABSOLUTELY.

 

[FrekeChild]

What a wonderful story wannaB!

FI asked my dad...after he had asked me. My mom passed December 4th last year, and the weeks afterward were insanity with family around, and the right time never came up. Well we had had a trip to Vegas planned (a Christmas present from my mom) and that was when FI had planned for months to propose. So he proposed, and then we went together to "ask" my dad for his blessing. My dad, having had only sons to deal with before was POSITIVELY thrilled to be shown this respect, and FI and I knew that he would say yes, and we planned to marry regardless of what his answer was. But to involve him in such a way, as my only remaining nuclear family member meant a lot to both him and I.

He''s also 72 and uber-traditional. My mom''s father died when she was 2, and she was the youngest of ten kids (6 boys, 4 girls), so when he decided he wanted to marry her, he asked her brothers and sisters. He had also asked them for permission to date her a year earlier...

 

[kas baby]

FI ''informed'' my parents. I did not feel like we needed to have their approval or anything like that. I''m sure it was awkward for FI and my parents though as the parents had recently gotten divorced. Both of my parents love both me and FI very very much, so when FI told them, they drilled him with questions about it, but he said he knew it was coming from a place of love

My parents were happy for us, although I was so nervous to tell them I had said yes I almost got sick

they knew the whole time. My mom laughed and said "I was wondering how long it was going to take you to spill the beans!!"


I think its a nice sentiment, plus it also gives you a chance to gush about your FFI

and possibly warm up to the FIL

 

[mrhand]

Date: 11/11/2009 2:06:34 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 11/11/2009 1:02:21 PM
Author: jstarfireb
As a young woman with strong liberal feminist leanings, I told my husband that I would be very offended if he would have asked either of my parents, be it for blessing or permission. It just rubs me the wrong way, in that the only people who should have any influence on the decision to get married should be the two of us. I understand that there''s a difference between asking for permission and blessing for most people, and that most people don''t feel how I do about it, but the line feels too blurred for me. He listened to my wishes and just asked me without going to my parents...that gives me a huge amount of respect for him.

Just wanted to give you guys a different perspective, since I''m sure most people will say ask for the parents'' blessing. Speaking of, I would certainly try to talk to both parents, not just the father, to make it less sexist.

I agree with jstarfireb. I honestly would not have accepted a proposal from a man who would do this.

Well the appropriate thing to do is to propose FIRST, then get her opinion asking permission/blessing with her first. I totally agree that asking permission makes the woman seem like property, but the purpose is to demonstrate to the future in-laws respect. I asked my fiancee for her approval to ask for a blessing.

As for being offended about the idea of asking, I can empathize with that. However you should think carefully how it may effect the relationship with the in-laws. Respecting your parents is a tradition that I hope never goes out of style. And speaking of traditions, this one is far older than other traditions, like diamond engagement rings for example. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team.

In any case, I just got back from a 6 hour round trip to talk to her dad he was pleased as punch. Time well spent.

 

[bee*]

Congrats DavR!

My DH let my dad know when he was planning to propose to me and it meant a lot to me and my parents that he did this.