Oh boy, Bridal Shower and Family Drama

[rhbgirl24]

Just needed a quick vent, so I apologize in advance.....

My bridal shower was yesterday - thrown by my maid of honor w/ my mom and bridesmaids helping. At my FMIL house.

It took me YEARS to get used to my FMIL, she can come across the wrong way, and she's also the kind of person thats it done my way or not at all.

So she kinda offended some people at the shower. The head table was set up to be my matron and maid of honor (which is my 20 year old sister - the one who did a good chunk of the planning), my two bridesmaids, me and the grandmas. Well FMIL sat down in my other sisters and her friend in my matron of honors seat. When my sister asked if they could sit she told them "its my house and I will sit where I want to." Obviously really hurting my youngest (18 yrs old) sister and my matron of honor, who then had to find random empty seats! To top it off I was seated next to my future sister in law, who is a bridesmaid, but hasn't lifted a finger to help with this wedding at all. She didn't even go when WE bought her dress, she just gave me her measurements. My sisters have done EVERYTHING! and a great job at it as well.

Urg. Now I know how to handle my FMIL, we get along fine, and she was having a really bad day w/o getting into details. But I've been doing damage control ALL morning.
Emails of apology from me went out to everyone this morning. I'm taking my sisters out to dinner and shoe shopping tomorrow.... my mother wants me to say something to FMIL. Urg.......
Have I done enough to smooth things over with the absolutely wonderful people of my family? Do I say something to the FMIL (I think this might make it worse, and she then may bring it up again to them)? Or do I just let it go..... I hope the seating is done appropriately at the rehearsal dinner w/ the BRIDAL PARTY seated around us................

ahhhhhhh.... family drama! Overall the shower was wonderful, couldn't have asked for anything better, just hope I'm doing enough to make mends with what went on behind the scenes!

 

[junebug17]

I think you may be taking too much responsibility for your FMIL's behavior. You didn't do anything wrong, so I don't think it's necessary for you to apologize for her. I don't blame you for feeling badly about how she treated your sisters, but it's not your fault, it's your FMIL's. You have no control over how your FMIL acts and you had no idea she would behave this way. I don't think you should place yourself in the middle of this. If your mother is upset with the situation, she should talk to your FMIL, instead of you, which would only cause further drama and strife. I could be totally wrong on this, I will be interested to hear others views, but this was my initial reaction to the situation. I"m sorry you were placed in this position, it's not fair to you. I personally think it's best to just let it go, too much potential for a blow-up.

But if you are concerned about the seating for the rehearsal dinner, maybe you should speak to your FMIL about that beforehand.

 

[junebug17]

I just re-read my post and realized I came across as unsympathetic, and I am actually very sympathetic to your situation! Your FMIL was very rude, and I don't blame you for feeling upset that your sisters were hurt, especially when they are so young. I just don't see what good will come of bringing it up with your FMIL, she's not about to change anytime soon and will probably just become defensive. Ack, I'm bad at this sort of thing, but as I said, it was my initial take on the situation.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

If it's tricky to talk to your FMIL, maybe it'd be best for you to voice your family's feelings to her if she's of a particularly delicate disposition, since the last thing you'd need is even more drama. And it seems you were just as upset as your family was about her behavior. I'd bring it up if only to make sure this doesn't happen at the rehearsal (or the reception). I think it's important that there are clear lines, it might be her house, but it's your wedding, and she needs to respect you on that. I would just want to nip that behavior in the bud before it gets worse, "my house, my way" shouldn't be her attitude towards someone else's wedding! Maybe just tell her you understand she was having a bad day, but you'd really appreciate in the future if she'd stick to the seating charts and little wedding details since they're really important to you and you've spent a lot of time on these decisions that might be little to her, but are very meaningful to you.

Best of luck in whatever you decide!

ETA: I can kind of sympathize. I have a SIL who's in her 30's that's difficult and really touchy, she's prone to throw tantrums if she doesn't get her way and shuts down to everything you say and gets extremely defensive and acts like she's being unfairly persecuted. Sigh, it's very trying.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Although it''s probably easier said than done, I would absolutely confront FMIL over this. She completely over stepped her boundries--her house or not--and she should be held accountable for that, bottom line. How dare she make anyone feel uncomfortable at your shower. I can only imagine how I would feel had that my sister...I would have been livid.

I would totally put it all on her. I would ask, nicely of course, for her to explain what happened with the seating arrangement at your shower, something like "hey, do you know anything about what went on with the head table at the shower? I was so distracted, but I know some people are feeling a little displaced over it...maybe you could tell me what went on"....then, after she tries to justify her behavior, tell her that "it''s very unfortuante, and you cannot believe that happened to your sister"...make her feel like she crossed a line with you, you don''t need to harp or rehash or even harbor any ill will...but you can get your message across loud and clear.

((hugs)) I know this stuff is rough, but keep a level ahead and give your sister a big hug and tell her just how special she is. What a brave 18 year old!

 

[rainwood]

Before you decide whether to confront your FMIL, you might want to look at the situation from a different perspective. Your sisters may have done most of the planning, but the shower was at your FMIL''s house. That makes her the hostess or at least one of them but she wasn''t seated at the head table. That was probably a mistake on your part, particularly knowing her as you do. Hosting an event at your house does require work and effort, and maybe she was miffed that her contribution wasn''t being acknowledged. Plus, you said she was having a very bad day. Her solution wasn''t a good one by any mean, but this woman is going to be a part of your family for a long time. I''d say leave it alone. But if you''re going to bring it up, you should at least acknowledge that failing to include your hostess at the head table might not have been the best idea, particularly when that hostess is your FMIL.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 8/24/2009 3:40:19 PM
Author: rainwood
Before you decide whether to confront your FMIL, you might want to look at the situation from a different perspective. Your sisters may have done most of the planning, but the shower was at your FMIL''s house. That makes her the hostess or at least one of them but she wasn''t seated at the head table. That was probably a mistake on your part, particularly knowing her as you do. Hosting an event at your house does require work and effort, and maybe she was miffed that her contribution wasn''t being acknowledged. Plus, you said she was having a very bad day. Her solution wasn''t a good one by any mean, but this woman is going to be a part of your family for a long time. I''d say leave it alone. But if you''re going to bring it up, you should at least acknowledge that failing to include your hostess at the head table might not have been the best idea, particularly when that hostess is your FMIL.

agree!

 

[rhbgirl24]

I see everything that everyone is saying. Thank you so much for your input. I think I will mention the seating for the rehearsal dinner, but leave this situation alone. My Fiance and I are taking my sisters out as a thank you for the shower tomorrow - so all will be good between us. The older of the two (maid of honor) know FMIL and handled it just fine, even stayed hours after helping her clean up then using her pool and just hanging out with the fam. But my other sister hasn't had to deal with her, so this was a shock. While she can be a little cold, lets say, she was in rare form the beginning of the shower, but was completely fine to me.
I just really dont want my little sister uncomfortable by any means whatsoever - EVER, let a lone at my wedding.............

Thank you all so much for the input - just nice to commiserate and vent!

Oh and Junebug - your response was just fine, you weren't unsympathetic or anything. Just gave your opinion. No worries. thank you.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Date: 8/24/2009 3:40:19 PM
Author: rainwood
Before you decide whether to confront your FMIL, you might want to look at the situation from a different perspective. Your sisters may have done most of the planning, but the shower was at your FMIL''s house. That makes her the hostess or at least one of them but she wasn''t seated at the head table. That was probably a mistake on your part, particularly knowing her as you do. Hosting an event at your house does require work and effort, and maybe she was miffed that her contribution wasn''t being acknowledged. Plus, you said she was having a very bad day. Her solution wasn''t a good one by any mean, but this woman is going to be a part of your family for a long time. I''d say leave it alone. But if you''re going to bring it up, you should at least acknowledge that failing to include your hostess at the head table might not have been the best idea, particularly when that hostess is your FMIL.

oh rainwood - she did have a seat at the head table. But not for her friend that I''ve only meant once. And not the right hand seat to me. But, obviously, I didn''t make the seating chart considering the whole thing was a surprise to me! But they did think of her - but just not they way she wanted I guess.
I thanked her profusely for the use of her house/yard. I know they did a lot of work, and even sent a thank you email again today about how wonderful it was and thanking her for the set up and everything.
I think I smoothed it all out - I think people just needed to vent. Ha! Just wish it wasn''t to me.

 

[rainwood]

Glad you got everything worked out!

 

[junebug17]

Date: 8/24/2009 4:01:29 PM
Author: rhbgirl24
I see everything that everyone is saying. Thank you so much for your input. I think I will mention the seating for the rehearsal dinner, but leave this situation alone. My Fiance and I are taking my sisters out as a thank you for the shower tomorrow - so all will be good between us. The older of the two (maid of honor) know FMIL and handled it just fine, even stayed hours after helping her clean up then using her pool and just hanging out with the fam. But my other sister hasn''t had to deal with her, so this was a shock. While she can be a little cold, lets say, she was in rare form the beginning of the shower, but was completely fine to me.
I just really dont want my little sister uncomfortable by any means whatsoever - EVER, let a lone at my wedding.............

Thank you all so much for the input - just nice to commiserate and vent!

Oh and Junebug - your response was just fine, you weren''t unsympathetic or anything. Just gave your opinion. No worries. thank you.

Thank you for that sweetie! And I''m also glad you''ve worked things out, and are feeling better about things. Sometimes a good vent really helps!

 

[katamari]

Date: 8/24/2009 4:01:29 PM
Author: rhbgirl24
I see everything that everyone is saying. Thank you so much for your input. I think I will mention the seating for the rehearsal dinner, but leave this situation alone. My Fiance and I are taking my sisters out as a thank you for the shower tomorrow - so all will be good between us. The older of the two (maid of honor) know FMIL and handled it just fine, even stayed hours after helping her clean up then using her pool and just hanging out with the fam. But my other sister hasn''t had to deal with her, so this was a shock. While she can be a little cold, lets say, she was in rare form the beginning of the shower, but was completely fine to me.

I just really dont want my little sister uncomfortable by any means whatsoever - EVER, let a lone at my wedding.............


Thank you all so much for the input - just nice to commiserate and vent!


Oh and Junebug - your response was just fine, you weren''t unsympathetic or anything. Just gave your opinion. No worries. thank you.

Glad to hear your family is understanding. That really is all you can control, anyways.