Only one?

[CNOS128]

Warning - potentially risque'' post ahead...


So, yesterday some friends and I were talking about dating, marriage, etc. and one of them mentioned 2 friends of his who''d been dating since 8th grade, and had gotten married after being together for over 13 years. All of us thought this was remarkable, some people thought it was odd.

Another friend remarked that she wouldn''t want to get married to a person she''d been dating since age 13 because that would mean you''d only "been with" (intimately) one person. That''s not quite the part of the situation that made me stop and wonder -- I just realize how much my taste in men (and people in general) has changed in the last X number of years since I was 13, and think that, personally, I would never have been happy now with the guy who made me happy in middle school (intimacy aside).

In my social circle, this ''one person'' situation is definitely the exception rather than the norm. I actually think it''s kind of sweet to meet the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with at such an early age, although it would have been all wrong for me personally.

What do you ladies think? If you''re with your childhood sweetheart, did you ever wonder about dating other people or take time off to try it out? Anyone in the same place as I am, where you''ve grown so much since middle school (and through the experiences of dating other people) that it wouldn''t possibly have worked for you?

 

[CrookedRock]

Well, as someone who is planning on marrying my first love I do think that it is kinda neat. That being said... He and I grew up as neighbors, but not friends bc of the age difference (only 3.5 years). We started dating 8 years ago when I had just turned 17. I do think that people change dramatically in that amount of time, and we certainly did! We have broken up multiple times and dated other people along the way, so we don''t have the wonder lust that some may have. My sis has pretty much done the same thing with her hubby. It''s a nice feling to have someone that has been there through the things good and bad over the years, and to know that they are still there! So in short, I think it''s very rare for this to be the case (except in my fam apparently) but I know we would not be here together today had we not gone and done our own things at some point. People need to grow!

 

[ktdid]

I was *kind* of in the same situation. I started dating my ex-husband our senior year of HS. I will say that he wasn''t my "first" (insert blushing smilie here) but I was his. We were married for 11 years and divorced for a lot of very ugly reasons, one of the least offensive of which was that he had an affair.

I''ve had fun dating other people since getting divorced but it was very strange. You change so much post HS, post college, etc. I spent those years married to someone I met in 9th grade! I''ve learned a lot about myself since my divorce and I''m glad I''ve been able to experience other relationships since then. Of course, now I''m so incredibly happy with my BF and have no urge to ever date anyone else again.

Sorry so rambling. Not really sure what my point was

 

[CNOS128]

Crooked -- I love your story! It sounds like you balanced everything pretty well - you know what it''s like to date other people, yet you''re sure you want to be with the guy you''ve known forever.

ktdid -- not rambling at all! You''ve experience both sides of things - marrying the HS sweetheart, AND learning from dating while an adult. I''m sorry the HS sweetheart didn''t work out in the end, but I''m glad that you''ve grown from that and met your new BF!

Best of luck to you both!!




And thanks, Pricescope, for helping me procrastinate.

 

[allycat0303]

Well that''s been my situation! I''Ve been with my guy since I was 16, so only one for me, although not for him. I do think about it sometimes, because I was so young, and I don''t know anything else. For the relationship part of it, I think it''s amazing to have someone who knows me that well, and has been through everything with me. It kinda of shows that were able to work through very hard times.

I have thought about dating other people, and I am sure he has to, but it''s always been much more of a fleeting thought, or due to problems we had in the relationship. And the desire was never strong enough to override the happiness (and the value) I have placed on this particular relationship. I''ve also never met anyone that I am attracted to in that way either, so that probably helps a lot. I''Ve always wondered if there was something wrong with me because I wasn''t all that attracted to other guys.

As for being intimate, I know that it''s not the norm to be with only one person. BUt after 13 years together, we remain very attracted to each other (and it honestly doesn''t feel like 13 years), it''s stunning sometimes when we realize that we''ve been together that long. There''s this expectancy that we should be bored, but we aren''t and thankful for it.

 

[xapora]

My husband I have been together since we were 14 and 15. A year after we started dating, he moved away to another city. Neither of us had cars or licenses yet

so we ended up agreeing to break up since it was nearly impossible for us to visit each other. We lost touch after a few months, and it was nine months until I saw him again. I spent that nine months completely miserable. I was 16, I dated other guys, but none of them made me feel the way he made me feel. When I decided that I needed to get back in contact with him again, his old phone number was disconnected and I had no way to find him.

There was one day when I was hanging out with my best friend and I told her how much I missed him. So we pulled out all the stops that day and spent the day calling people and trying to find his new phone number, but it was to no avail. I was so disappointed. THAT SAME DAY, on the way home from her house, I looked over to my left and saw him walking out of a store. I thought I was seeing things - it was so weird how this happened. I turned in, parked my car, and ran out and gave him the biggest hug in the world. I found out he had missed me as much as I missed him. Since that day we''ve been together.

I think because I know how miserable I feel without him, and that weird twist of fate where he just basically walked back into my life out of nowhere when I needed him the most, I''ve never really had the desire to date around or be with anyone else. We''ve only been with each other but it''s not really an issue for us, we both kind of like it this way. I think that instead of growing up and growing apart, we grew up WITH each other and it''s made us the best of friends. I''m sure we''ve both wondered what it would be like to be with other people, but when we talk about it, it''s a "wow that would be so weird" kind of thing.

 

[sunnyd]

Wow xapora that made me tear up!

What a great story!

T, I have friends just like yours! They started dating in 8th grade and married 2 years ago at 22. That wouldn''t have worked for me, but who knows, I didn''t know current BF back then...

I don''t know, I''m a believer in things happening for a reason, and I know that I needed to have the wrong BFs before finding Chris, because I never would have learned the differences between a bad relationship I thought was good and an actual good relationship. <-- Run on sentence!!

 

[ktdid]

and I know that I needed to have the wrong BFs before finding Chris, because I never would have learned the differences between a bad relationship I thought was good and an actual good relationship. <-- Run on sentence!!

amen sister!

 

[smiles]

sorry if this is kinad long...
this is similar to my situation too. I started dating bf when we were 15 and 16. And if we had known then how serious it would end up who knows if we would have gotten into at at the young age we did.
I think people do grow up and change a lot in their late teens and twenties (and on) so I do think it could work (and we have seen here that it does) but I think it takes a lot of extra work and making sure on a constant basis that youre growing up together and not apart.
Looking back my relationship was sooooo childish 4.5 years ago and it amazes me how far we have come together. We have had our ups and downs and last summer took a month apart (broken up) because we realized we really needed to do some growing up alone and sort out ourselves to see if this was what we really wanted. I think that time apart brought us closer together and made us a stronger team.

I wonder if there is some sort of pattern of events that would be similar in such long relationships...? Like a lot of the posts have involved some sort of break... getting back together etc...

ETA: I think there is something to be said for being older when you get into the relationship and knowing yourself and establishing yourself too... I just think it is different for everyone and everyone meets the right person at different time..

 

[Hera]

I do know one couple that married right after high school and are still blissfully married. A friend of mine from school will be marrying her boyfriend since she was 14 years old but they are still virgins. I already had a talk with her and she''s fiercely loyal and committed. That being said, I''ve heard that the more partners you have the more likely you''ll have less satisfaction in your relationship (I suppose because you know of what else is out there). Don''t know if there''s any truth to it though. I haven''t had a lot of partners.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 3/28/2008 10:55:40 PM
Author: heraanderson
That being said, I''ve heard that the more partners you have the more likely you''ll have less satisfaction in your relationship (I suppose because you know of what else is out there). Don''t know if there''s any truth to it though. I haven''t had a lot of partners.

Or would it make you more appreciative of what you have...

 

[bee*]

I''ve been with D since I was 17 and he was 18 and are together almost 9 years now. We''re each other''s first with pretty much everything and I love it that way. I think that you either grow apart or grow together and I''m thankful that we''re the latter. I don''t care what else is out there, I was lucky to get the prize straight out for me. We''ve travelled the world together and do so much together that I know he''s the man for me. He''s not the same guy that he was at 18 and I''m not the same girl that I was at 17, we''re totally different but fortunately we fancy each other more now than ever and I don''t care about being intimate with only one person. I don''t need to do that with others to know that we''re good in that department

 

[Haven]

I''m not marrying my childhood sweetheart, so I can''t really speak from experience.

However, I just don''t understand the argument that you should be with more than one man in your life. I can''t imagine that going through a number of bad relationships makes anyone better prepared to fall in love or recognize that they were with someone special.

If I happened to meet the love of my life at a young age and was lucky enough to stay with that person, I''d embrace that and I wouldn''t doubt my good fortune for one second.

 

[LegacyGirl]

My childhood sweetheart doesn''t like girls anymore.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 3/30/2008 7:17:43 PM
Author: Haven
I''m not marrying my childhood sweetheart, so I can''t really speak from experience.


However, I just don''t understand the argument that you should be with more than one man in your life. I can''t imagine that going through a number of bad relationships makes anyone better prepared to fall in love or recognize that they were with someone special.


If I happened to meet the love of my life at a young age and was lucky enough to stay with that person, I''d embrace that and I wouldn''t doubt my good fortune for one second.

I agree. FI was not my first BF, but I do think it was the first time I actually understood what it meant to love someone. I am his first love and first gf. So I''ll have to go on what he''s told me and the idea that I am the only person he will ever be with for the rest of his life. If anything, he embraces the thought.

 

[brooklyngirl]

FI and I started dating senior year uni (we were both 21), and we were each other''s firsts. I don''t think I have missed out on anything by being with other people, and I am no curious about it in the least bit. As far as FI, when I was a LIW, I did wonder that''s was the reason behind his taking a while to propose, because he hadn''t experienced anything else -- he told me several times, in no uncerain terms that he wasn''t interested in other women, and that was not why he was taking a while. IMHO, if you''re satisfied with what you have, there is no reason to look elsewhere, regardless of how many partners a person has had. I actually sort of like the fact that we''ve only been with each other.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 3/30/2008 7:17:43 PM
Author: Haven
I''m not marrying my childhood sweetheart, so I can''t really speak from experience.

However, I just don''t understand the argument that you should be with more than one man in your life. I can''t imagine that going through a number of bad relationships makes anyone better prepared to fall in love or recognize that they were with someone special.

If I happened to meet the love of my life at a young age and was lucky enough to stay with that person, I''d embrace that and I wouldn''t doubt my good fortune for one second.

It did though. I was attracted to some people that I did not mesh well with. And all three of my serious relationships lasted at least a year. I obviously didn''t see anything wrong with them at the time, or I wouldn''t have stayed. Then after horrible breakups I thought, well, I better avoid these traits!

I don''t know. It makes sense for me. I learned from previous mistakes and have now found the man of my dreams. Who knows what would have happened if we''d gotten together at 17.

 

[star sparkle]

I got together with my FF when I was 17 and he was 22. He wasn''t my first boyfriend, but he was the first person I was really intimate with. I wasn''t really his first anything. Now we''re 22 (23 next week) and 27, and will be getting engaged within the next month.

I often think fondly about my high school sweetheart, who was my first real boyfriend. He was killed in Iraq about 3.5 years ago and even though we weren''t together anymore, that day and the months that followed were easily the most gut-wrenching and miserable of my entire life. He''ll always have a special place in my heart.

 

[ladypirate]

I don''t think there''s anything wrong with marrying your high school sweetheart--my cousin and his wife started dating when they were 15 or 16 (Sophomore year of high school), got married at 23, and just had their first child at 31. They are still so in love with each other and are so excited to be starting a family.

That said, it certainly doesn''t work for everyone. My high school boyfriend and I dated for about 2.5 years and that relationship and the ones that followed taught me a lot about how to be a good partner and what I needed out of a relationship. I was lucky that my first real boyfriend (I had one before that, but it lasted for all of a month and was more of a "just at school" thing) respected me and truly cared about me because it meant that I wouldn''t settle for anything less after that. However, we would not make a good couple now. We''re still good friends, and Kris and I see him whenever we''re all in the same city, but we grew into different people. In my situation, I''m very glad I didn''t stay with him, even though I still care about him on a friendship level.

I guess what I''m saying is that while I appreciate what I learned from past relationships, they all led me to find Kris and I feel extremely lucky for that.

 

[daydream believer]

Haha I love that someone else brought this up too - I just had a thread about this a couple of weeks ago called "True Love...Crazy?" and there were a lot of people who had great stories and input.

My BF is my first everything and I am pretty sure that he will be my last.

Every now and then I have those worries about "what else might be out there" and I have thought about dating other people just to be sure but I look at my bf and realize that he is everything I want.

 

[CNOS128]

xapora -- your story gave me chills! that''s so wonderful!

LegacyGirl -- you made me almost spit water out my nose! My sister''s high school BF is gay now, too...

Haven -- I think sometimes people need to go through the bad relationships (or just, not right relationships) to get to where they need to be to have a good relationship. That''s not really an argument for being with more than one man, but for some people the first guy just wouldn''t have stuck no matter what.
Some of my friends (myself not included) really believe that having a variety of lovers is very important. I never felt this, or the fear of getting married because you''re restricting yourself to only one, but I do understand it on some level.


It''s really amazing how people are so different, and choices that would be terrible for one person work perfectly for another person. Yay, diversity.

 

[Pandora II]

I think a lot depends on how you are as a person.

I was bullied very badly at successive schools and had a very strict father who continually put me down and undermined my confidence.

Perhaps that was why I chose to date men who were either abusive or put me down.

It took a psychologist who made me date a guy I had no real interest in ''because it would be good for you to date a guy who is nice and kind to you and loves you way more than you love him''.

Okay, so it wasn''t so great for the poor guy, but I really learnt a thing or two.

When you are involved in toxic relationships you quickly become a doormat, but even worse the huge highs and lows become very addictive and then a healthy relationship doesn''t feel like ''love'' because you are not experiencing such huge emotional rushes. Learning to love in a healthy way is not an easy task.

I met FI at the perfect time and know that I have found the right person. It took me 34 years - many other people will find that much quicker, some might never find that.