Out of hand???

[bensbride]

Does anybody else think that, while its nice to throw an amazing bash, weddings have gotten a little insane the last 10-15 years? I swear, I remember going to weddings when I was little where everyone went to a reception at the church and had cake, nuts, and punch. If you were lucky you got a cold meat sandwich and some potato salad. Now its somehow offensive if you don''t serve a seven course meal on fine china and exquisite linens. I know its a bride and groom''s "big day" and that we all want to have the best food and the best music and the best decorations... In the end, do you think we focus more on the party than we do on the actual marriage? Wedding budgets are more than luxury cars. People spend the first five years of their marriage paying off that one day. Anybody else feel that way at all? I mean, if its what you want and you can afford it, awesome...go for it. However, why is it EXPECTED? Not everyone wants or needs to be a Platinum Bride.

 

[choro72]

Where I come from (Japan), the guests usually give cash as gifts, which is usually at least $300. The Bride and Groom pay for traveling guests, guests spend more than $300 on their dress, and they go to a salon to get their hair done. My cousin recently had to go to 3 weddings in one month, and she was venting because she is so broke!

My mom told me the other day that I should get married where she is at (northern remote area), because over there the guests pay for attending the wedding instead of gifts, which means it''s usually cheaper. So I asked her how much the guests would have to pay. She said "only $100!". I told her that is way more than what my friends can afford, not mention the air fair!

I should also point out how boring typical weddings are over there. They require dads, brothers, bosses, and the president of the world to make speeches. Not the good ol'', heartfelt speeches, but 20 minute speeches that''s worse than commencements.

 

[gwendolyn]

I think it's become a status symbol, much like the luxury cars you mentioned. I have some cousins who are getting married soon, and my aunts and uncles LOVE to brag about how much everything is costing, because they can afford it (or want to look like they can afford it). It's become as much about showing how much money you can spend on things as it is about having a good time.

And the kicker (to me) is that it's just a one-time thing (or should be!). At least with designer handbags and fancy cars, you get repeated use out of them, but a wedding is just one day of your life! Yeah, you can get some great memories out of it, but I'm hoping the memories are more about the fun you had with your family and friends, and not about what fabric the napkins were made of, y'know?

Maybe that's cynical, but that's how I see it.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I totally agree! This came up recently in regards to a wedding shower we''re planning for a wedding I''m in. The MOH wanted to have the shower at a country club, and the bridesmaids were expected to chip in $150 each to help throw it! I was thinking about it, and couldn''t help but wonder - what happened to the shower being about the bride, and not where it''s held? And the same goes for weddings? I remember some of the most beautiful weddings I went to when I was younger had the reception in a fire hall, or some sort of community building, and if it was "fancy", they had it at a hotel. But really, what happened to the wedding being about the bride and groom, no matter where it is celebrated?

I''m certainly not living up to making my parents go broke to throw the most lavish wedding ever. My sister got married at a BEAUTIFUL Civil War Mansion that was turned into a B&B and her total cost for everything (yes, everything, with about 120 guests) was about $6000. It was a beautiful day. So, I''m getting married (once I''m engaged) on the beach, with BBQ and crabs and cold Red Stripe and dancing under the stars... that is perfection to me, not something that costs more than BF''s car and mine combined!

 

[LegacyGirl]

Weddings have gotten insane and there is no way in the world I would spend that much! I don''t want to start my marriage in debt from the wedding. I want to buy a house within the next 2 years too so I''m more concerned of that than having a huge $600,000 wedding.

 

[bee*]

Weddings have gone insane however it is possible to do things on a budget. We''re spending less than a third of what most people spend in Ireland and we have our castle, photographer, videographer, swing band etc, but we''ve just done our homework and we are still coming in under budget (so far

). We''ll be in no debt at all after the wedding.

 

[Mediterranean]

I feel ya!!!!

The issue that I have with weddings is as follows:

Many couples enjoy the idea of the first party they co-host as a new family to be grand and elegant because, let''s face it: when else in your life are you guys going to see everyone in tuxes? When else can a gal wear a ballgown and tiara? There are so many elements that are once-in-a-lifetime things for this couple! And for so many people, the elements of their wedding make them feel special: brides have professional hair, makeup, photography. They purchase a gown which is tailor-made to fit them. There are caterers, coordinators, decor, lighting, flowers, music all coming together to create an atmosphere that has never before been seen or done by the bride and groom. It''s a representation of their taste, it sets the tone for their relationship style, and it gives their loved ones a glimpse of their taste and style. All of which brides and grroms are eager to share with their invited guests.


Sounds fantastic, and very special, right?

Well, not to me. Don''t get me wrong: I LOVE LOVE LOVE weddings, and I love seeing people in love and happy, and enjoying themselves and their guests. My PERSONAL problem is that the traditional wedding has come to resemble..........



Our Jobs.


Yeah. My fiance is a cameraman for movies and TV shows and music videos. I''m a print model. Having an elaborate ambiance created? Happens every time I go to work(the call it a set instead of a venue). Professional hair and makeup? Work. People tailoring elaborate ensembles to fit me? Work, yet again. People buzzing around taking my picture, telling me I look "Faaaaabulous, daaaarling..."? All those things are just another long workday for me.

The cameras, lighting, decor, timelines, coordination, staff, music, and the execution of contracts for multiple vendors....those things are all in a day''s work. It''s location management, production coordination, a shooting schedule, and for me, it takes all the fun out of it for me, because it just has the look and feel of a very long (at least 10-12 hours) assignment.


The only thing that gets me excited about my wedding, the only thing that feels super romantic and special is to have a destination wedding and invite nobody.

I know it''s not the ideal thing for our families, but I really don''t want the beginning of my marriage to feel like we have a day-long "shoot"

I''ve agonized and agonized over this decision...it kinda hurts to know people will feel left out, but in the end we can only do what''s right for us.

That''s all any of us can do about our weddings: All of us can only do what''s right for us. So I am hesitant to criticize people''s choices, even if they are getting into debt over a party. Things have deep and meaningful significance to people, even if I don''t understand why.

I know people think it''s crazy to go into debt over a wedding, but then again, I also know that people think I''m eloping because I''m pregnant

All I can say is to each his own, right? Sheesh, i SURE wish more people would say that to me, THAT''S for sure

 

[musey]

Date: 2/14/2008 2:12:41 AM
Author:bensbride
...
Now its somehow offensive if you don't serve a seven course meal on fine china and exquisite linens. I know its a bride and groom's 'big day' and that we all want to have the best food and the best music and the best decorations... In the end, do you think we focus more on the party than we do on the actual marriage? Wedding budgets are more than luxury cars. People spend the first five years of their marriage paying off that one day. Anybody else feel that way at all? I mean, if its what you want and you can afford it, awesome...go for it. However, why is it EXPECTED? Not everyone wants or needs to be a Platinum Bride.

I gotta say that I have NO idea where you're getting the idea that it's "expected" for there to be a seven course meal and for the couple to go into five years' worth of debt over the wedding...

If it's from TV, I got news for you--those weddings are on TV because they're "platinum," not just run-of-the-mill weddings that TLC happened to pick up on. I can't think of any weddings that I've been to or over in the BIW area that fit your idea of what's apparently "expected."

Sure, there are lavish weddings, and while they're more common than they used to be... they're certainly not "expected" or "the norm," in my opinion.

Our wedding is being paid for by my father, at his strict insistence. I am his only daughter, and the budget that he set ($20,000... about the cost of a Prius, not a luxury car

, though if it were my money to spend I'd rather have a Prius!) is quite modest for his income level, but "lavish" by my standards. If he weren't paying, I certainly wouldn't go in debt over the wedding--we'd likely have a very small (15 guests) celebration with family, and a budget of $800 or so

Even with the budget we have, it's not a seven-course meal with fine china and linens. It's a three-course (I guess?) buffet with standard caterer's linens and dishes. To me, that's pretty darn fancy. I don't need or expect it, and I doubt any of our guests do, either... but it makes my dad very happy--which makes me happy.

I've been to three weddings/receptions in the past year. One was a semi-casual buffet type party on a hotel's patio area. Another was in a church cafetorium. The third was a lavish church wedding with a three-course meal and champagne-only (VERY expensive champagne) reception. Based upon what I knew about each couple, each reception seemed quite appropriate to their income level. And each were equally wonderful and fun!


Soo... yeah, I don't get where you're coming from. Maybe stay away from the wedding TV shows for awhile and check back in with real-life brides

 

[musey]

I forgot to address this:

In the end, do you think we focus more on the party than we do on the actual marriage?

Um, sure, there are LOTS of people who do so. I can only speak for myself, and for me, the reception is about celebrating how far we've come as a couple.

There's a disconnect, for me, between the ceremony and the reception. They're about very different things. Our ceremony is going to be very understated, and entirely about our ideas and promises for the future. No hooplah, no excess, just the two of us talking about the importance of our decision to commit our futures to one another. That is the part of the wedding that is about the marriage. Once we've done that, the reception is time to celebrate all that we've done to get to that point. I don't know what most couples are thinking, but for me, it's more like a graduation party... look at all the hard work we've done, laying our great foundation, now we've "graduated," it's time to cut loose and celebrate all that hard work! People work very hard to lay the groundwork for a good marriage (in theory), so they deserve to party, if that's what they want!

Again, all of the above is just for me, I'm not saying anyone else thinks this way. But I guess that that way of thinking is why I've never seen a problem with "excess" in the reception.

People should do what makes them happy. If it's not what makes YOU happy, BB... don't do it. Have the wedding you want. No one's "expecting" you to do differently. Except... maybe you?

 

[HollyS]

Date: 2/14/2008 2:12:41 AM
Author:bensbride
Does anybody else think that, while its nice to throw an amazing bash, weddings have gotten a little insane the last 10-15 years? I swear, I remember going to weddings when I was little where everyone went to a reception at the church and had cake, nuts, and punch. If you were lucky you got a cold meat sandwich and some potato salad. Now its somehow offensive if you don''t serve a seven course meal on fine china and exquisite linens. I know its a bride and groom''s ''big day'' and that we all want to have the best food and the best music and the best decorations... In the end, do you think we focus more on the party than we do on the actual marriage? Wedding budgets are more than luxury cars. People spend the first five years of their marriage paying off that one day. Anybody else feel that way at all? I mean, if its what you want and you can afford it, awesome...go for it. However, why is it EXPECTED? Not everyone wants or needs to be a Platinum Bride.

Yes. Yes. And yes.

It is completely unnecessary; but I won''t argue the ridiculous with someone who can actually afford anything their heart desires. But for the rest of us mere mortals, born without that proverbial silver spoon, too much at too high a cost is just plain dumb.

I don''t want to see receptions in the church basement make a big comeback, but a little reality check would do us all some good. A beautiful wedding is not dependent upon wedding planners, glamorous locations, over-the-top florals, or the $3K+ dress. I think we pulled our wedding off for $8K total (not including my e-ring and w-band). We had great food, a lovely setting, beautiful flowers, a classical guitarist, and a customized w-dress; and got loads of compliments about everything.

Frankly, when I see these bridal shows on TV, I just want to throw things at the screen.

 

[anchor31]

It might depend on your area... It seems like a lot of people where I am are just throwing expectations and etiquette through the window. On one hand, you have huge, lavish 200+ guests weddings in fancy hotels, and on the other hand you have the ones where (and I''m not kidding) the couple ask their guests to pay to attend. I was invited to two of those in the last 2 years (and refused to attend) and heard of MANY others...

When I started planning, I was told I couldn''t go under 15k for a 100 guests wedding. Well, we''re paying less than 8k so... it can be done. And we''re not doing the fancy hotel 7 courses dinner thing!

 

[musey]

Date: 2/14/2008 1:37:11 PM
Author: HollyS

It is completely unnecessary; but I won't argue the ridiculous with someone who can actually afford anything their heart desires. But for the rest of us mere mortals, born without that proverbial silver spoon, too much at too high a cost is just plain dumb.

Is this a jab at the people on wedding shows, or at me?

Just checking.

But yeah, there's not much point in trying to argue anything with anyone hen it comes to weddings. Everyone has different priorities. Some people would think it's ridiculous to sink money into a car, while others view it as an important investment in safety and happiness on the road (there's a car commercial that runs in LA where the voice over says "because around here, you have to love what you drive"). Same goes for weddings, jewelry, electronics... any sizeable expenditure.

Live and let live

 

[mimzy]

I agree with Musey...

i think that "lavish" is really too relative of a term. i would consider a lot of weddings on this board as ''lavish''.....not ''outrageous'' though. i don''t consider ''lavish'' to be a bad thing though....and i don''t think it deserves to have a negative connotation attached to it. my wedding is 20k with 200+ guests....totally lavish to some, not at all to others. i can''t imagine spending $100+ a head (ours is $41pp)....to others that is the norm. and that''s fine!

the thing is is that weddings are really a once in a lifetime event that have been dreamt about by some for a long time.....and there''s nothing wrong with planning an event you are proud of and that you feel represents you. i don''t think that ANYONE on this board is going into debt over their wedding, let alone still paying it off five years later, and i don''t think that it''s a fair assumption to make that everyone who throws an expensive wedding is being irresponsible.

i also don''t think it''s a fair assumption that just because people spend time and energy and money on the party it means they are focusing more on the wedding than the marriage. If this were true then no one who ever hired a wedding planner would ever get divorced. you spend, what, a year planning a wedding, whereas you spend your entire relationship preparing for marriage.

quit watching TLC!

 

[tberube]

bensbride - I totally, 100% agree. And I refuse to buy into it! Well.....most of it.

 

[CNOS128]

Hmm, maybe it''s where I live (New York City), or my social circle, but I feel like most of the weddings I''ve been to as an adult have been pretty lavish. The last wedding I attended had 400 guests and a ridiculous amount of food and alcohol (which was all wonderful). And decorations weren''t nearly what you''d see on wedding shows on TV, but I can''t even imagine what the price must have been. This was all for the parents - the couple wanted a small destination wedding.

I''m not even engaged yet and I checked to see how much it would cost to have a wedding at my ideal locale (small, local...) - just catering for 150 people was $21,000. Just catering! (Which included open bar, but still!). So that kind of worried me.

Eloping is looking better and better...

Oh!! and I have a friend getting married soon who has 17 bridesmaids and over 400 guests. THAT is ridiculous. (And she''s not even on TV).

People are silly. I know a guy who went to a friend''s wedding where there were around 100 guests (this wasn''t in NY, it was the other coast) and this guy thought it was WAY too small and was offended by lack of an open bar. Maybe it''s a NY sentiment...?

Anyway, if/when I marry people will just have to be offended by my tiny, simple wedding!

 

[mimzy]

i forgot that we ALL could be accused of being extravagent with our wedding spending. fact is, anything over a $30 dolllar dress from kohls and the fee for a marriage liscene is just gravy. just because you didn''t spend 5k on flowers doesn''t mean that the $500 you DID spend wasn''t superfluous. so NO ONE here can accuse ANYONE of being excessive.

weddings have most likely changed because 1) there are more options now and 2) people are marrying later in life so they can AFFORD to have the wedding they really want. not because the guests expect more.

 

[Delster]

I feel like weddings have become all very same-y. It seems to be expenditure just because certain things are somehow ''the norm''. The weddings I''ve been to IRL have been nothing like the creative and personal celebrations I''ve seen people plan here on PS...

Date: 2/14/2008 11:41:39 AM
Author: bee*
Weddings have gone insane however it is possible to do things on a budget. We''re spending less than a third of what most people spend in Ireland and we have our castle, photographer, videographer, swing band etc, but we''ve just done our homework and we are still coming in under budget (so far

). We''ll be in no debt at all after the wedding.

Pleeeeeeease teach meeee!!!!!!!! Just for starters, the swing band of repute around here is booked up for two years and they charge €2k!!!

 

[Pandora II]

I haven''t noticed much difference in weddings here to be honest.

FI and I would have much preferred to elope but my father wants me to have the big family do.

He''s paying for most of it - although my father''s idea of what things cost is ''interesting''. I think he got stuck at 1980''s prices. I want him to be proud of the wedding he is giving me, so I''m paying for a lot of things myself as I go along so that he has no idea and we will come in on his budget - which is less than 50% of the UK average.

I''m a natural organiser so it''s been pretty stress-free so far, and I''ve really enjoyed doing a lot of it.

The wedding is nothing but a big party for FI and I - the marriage is something completely different and much more important.

 

[tberube]

Date: 2/14/2008 3:09:40 PM
Author: mimzy
i forgot that we ALL could be accused of being extravagent with our wedding spending. fact is, anything over a $30 dolllar dress from kohls and the fee for a marriage liscene is just gravy. just because you didn''t spend 5k on flowers doesn''t mean that the $500 you DID spend wasn''t superfluous. so NO ONE here can accuse ANYONE of being excessive.


weddings have most likely changed because 1) there are more options now and 2) people are marrying later in life so they can AFFORD to have the wedding they really want. not because the guests expect more.

Mimzy - I hate to say, but you sound a little defensive. Perhaps because you feel personally attacked about being "superfluous" about your own spending? I don''t exactly think that the OP was meant to point fingers about any one couple choosing to spend...whatever...on their wedding, just a general observation that wedding costs have become more lavish and excessive as a whole than they used to be. Or that''s what I got out of it...

At any rate, I still agree with the OP, and mostly because in my opinion, the bridal industry I feel has taken advantage of the bride''s dreams and hopes for her wedding, exploited it beyond recognition and needlessly turned it into a spend-fest for the couple and/or their generous parents. You could be right - spending $100 or $1,000 on a wedding cake may both be considered outlandish numbers, but try walking into any bakery, saying the word "wedding" and hoping to get the same price for the same cake that Joe-Shmo got the other day for someone''s 50th birthday party.

Wedding costs are amazing and ridiculous, no matter what your budget or desire for extravagance.

 

[Haven]

Ditto to Musey''s posts, I completely agree.

I definitely don''t see these outrageous expectations that you''re talking about, I can''t imagine my friends and family expecting anything other than a good celebration. As for whether weddings have changed over the last 10 to 15 years, they certainly haven''t in my experience. I remember going to lavish weddings as a child and a teen, too. Also, I suppose going into debt for your wedding is a personal choice, but I think that''s a crazy thing to do and I can''t imagine that many people actually DO go into debt for their wedding.

I imagine it all comes down to perception--what you may think is lavish may simply be a reflection of the couple''s taste, and certainly it''s difficult to accurately judge how much ANY couple focuses on their actual marriage--this is such a private thing, certainly a claim that anyone focuses more on the party than the marriage is taking unfair liberties.

On the flip side, I would agree that all of these "reality" shows about weddings seem to find outrageous couples who do seem to make bizarre choices for their wedding, as well as have values that truly don''t seem to represent reality.

 

[Haven]

Date: 2/14/2008 5:04:52 PM
Author: tberube

Date: 2/14/2008 3:09:40 PM
Author: mimzy
i forgot that we ALL could be accused of being extravagent with our wedding spending. fact is, anything over a $30 dolllar dress from kohls and the fee for a marriage liscene is just gravy. just because you didn''t spend 5k on flowers doesn''t mean that the $500 you DID spend wasn''t superfluous. so NO ONE here can accuse ANYONE of being excessive.


weddings have most likely changed because 1) there are more options now and 2) people are marrying later in life so they can AFFORD to have the wedding they really want. not because the guests expect more.

Mimzy - I hate to say, but you sound a little defensive. Perhaps because you feel personally attacked about being ''superfluous'' about your own spending? I don''t exactly think that the OP was meant to point fingers about any one couple choosing to spend...whatever...on their wedding, just a general observation that wedding costs have become more lavish and excessive as a whole than they used to be. Or that''s what I got out of it...

I don''t see Mimzy''s post as defensive at all--it seems like people often mistake posts as being defensive when they''re simply disagreeing or presenting an opinion that isn''t in complete agreement with the OP.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 2/14/2008 5:04:52 PM
Author: tberube

Date: 2/14/2008 3:09:40 PM

Author: mimzy

i forgot that we ALL could be accused of being extravagent with our wedding spending. fact is, anything over a $30 dolllar dress from kohls and the fee for a marriage liscene is just gravy. just because you didn''t spend 5k on flowers doesn''t mean that the $500 you DID spend wasn''t superfluous. so NO ONE here can accuse ANYONE of being excessive.

weddings have most likely changed because 1) there are more options now and 2) people are marrying later in life so they can AFFORD to have the wedding they really want. not because the guests expect more.

Mimzy - I hate to say, but you sound a little defensive. Perhaps because you feel personally attacked about being ''superfluous'' about your own spending? I don''t exactly think that the OP was meant to point fingers about any one couple choosing to spend...whatever...on their wedding, just a general observation that wedding costs have become more lavish and excessive as a whole than they used to be. Or that''s what I got out of it...


At any rate, I still agree with the OP, and mostly because in my opinion, the bridal industry I feel has taken advantage of the bride''s dreams and hopes for her wedding, exploited it beyond recognition and needlessly turned it into a spend-fest for the couple and/or their generous parents. You could be right - spending $100 or $1,000 on a wedding cake may both be considered outlandish numbers, but try walking into any bakery, saying the word ''wedding'' and hoping to get the same price for the same cake that Joe-Shmo got the other day for someone''s 50th birthday party.


Wedding costs are amazing and ridiculous, no matter what your budget or desire for extravagance.

tberube,

i know i sounded sorta pissy, but i wasn''t being defensive. if you looked at my budget you''d see that everything is on the cheap (and i mean CHEAP: $250 on flowers total,$40 pp buffet dinner, no limo, costco cake, $10 centerpieces, less than 1k dress, etc) side. and no one has really critized my spending.....because i''m the cheapest person involved haha. my wedding budget is probably a little over average (20k), but the guest list is also bigger than some peoples.

I know the OP was just making a general statement, but it just sorta irks me when people do make broad, sweeping statements like that. it''s easy to make generalizations that attack weddings like that, but when you break it down it just doesn''t hold much water. i don''t think anyone here would defend extreme excessiveness...and i don''t think that most people in the real word would either. i can''t think of a single person that has done all those things the OP mentioned.....and i thought for a long time. of course there are the outliers like those on Platinum Weddings, etc, but that''s so not the norm. i just don''t like the idea of automatically assuming that just because a fancy wedding is thrown that too much emphasis was put on it, etc. I''m not sure if the OP is engaged or a LIW (i''m guessing engaged by the name haha), but I''m curious if she is going to throw a church basement wedding with cake and nuts and punch by choice.....or if it is going to be a little bit nicer than that.

i agree that the bridal industry is a little ridiculous: i wouldn''t argue that. but it doesn''t take a genius to filter all that comes at us, pick and choose what we want, and make it our day. i suppose there are people who WANT IT ALL, but again, i think they are the (sort of stupid) exception, and not the norm.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Maybe it''s just because I live in the dakotas but I don''t really feel like weddings are like that around here. Recently we had a bridal shower at a friends home and made all the food ourselves and then we went out for the bachlorette party the same night so we didnt have to ask off 2 days of work, just the 1

my cousin recently got married and afterwards there was a small reception with sandwiches and punch and that was it

 

[musey]

Date: 2/14/2008 5:15:37 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 2/14/2008 5:04:52 PM
Author: tberube

Date: 2/14/2008 3:09:40 PM
Author: mimzy

i forgot that we ALL could be accused of being extravagent with our wedding spending. fact is, anything over a $30 dolllar dress from kohls and the fee for a marriage liscene is just gravy. just because you didn't spend 5k on flowers doesn't mean that the $500 you DID spend wasn't superfluous. so NO ONE here can accuse ANYONE of being excessive.

weddings have most likely changed because 1) there are more options now and 2) people are marrying later in life so they can AFFORD to have the wedding they really want. not because the guests expect more.

Mimzy - I hate to say, but you sound a little defensive. Perhaps because you feel personally attacked about being 'superfluous' about your own spending? I don't exactly think that the OP was meant to point fingers about any one couple choosing to spend...whatever...on their wedding, just a general observation that wedding costs have become more lavish and excessive as a whole than they used to be. Or that's what I got out of it...

I don't see Mimzy's post as defensive at all--it seems like people often mistake posts as being defensive when they're simply disagreeing or presenting an opinion that isn't in complete agreement with the OP.

Me neither... Interesting how the same words can read so differently between two people!

I was actually about to post that I thought her post did a great job of concisely pointing out that sort of difference in priorities I was trying to describe in an impressively objective way. I was really surprised to the see tberube post that mimzy seemed "defensive," when she was simply pointing out the fact that what is "budget" to some seems "lavish" to others. For example, HollyS was pointing out how you could have a very nice wedding for "only $8,000"... but to many, $8k is a LAVISH budget! If I were paying for my own wedding, I'd probably spend 1/10th that

And be perfectly happy to do so. It doesn't make her wedding "frivolous," because that's what she wanted... and if they could afford it, why shouldn't they throw the wedding they want?


I think that it's unfair to peg anyone who spends over X amount of dollars as frivolous/spoiled/having their priorities out of line. It's also not fair to assume that any couple is going into debt over their wedding just because it's lavish... who knows what benefactor they have in paying.

On the flip side, it's also very unfair to assume that your friends/relatives will be expecting more from your wedding than you're willing or want to provide. Give 'em a little credit.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/14/2008 2:12:41 AM
Author:bensbride
Does anybody else think that, while its nice to throw an amazing bash, weddings have gotten a little insane the last 10-15 years? I swear, I remember going to weddings when I was little where everyone went to a reception at the church and had cake, nuts, and punch. If you were lucky you got a cold meat sandwich and some potato salad. Now its somehow offensive if you don''t serve a seven course meal on fine china and exquisite linens. I know its a bride and groom''s ''big day'' and that we all want to have the best food and the best music and the best decorations... In the end, do you think we focus more on the party than we do on the actual marriage? Wedding budgets are more than luxury cars. People spend the first five years of their marriage paying off that one day. Anybody else feel that way at all? I mean, if its what you want and you can afford it, awesome...go for it. However, why is it EXPECTED? Not everyone wants or needs to be a Platinum Bride.

I think part of the reason it seems as though weddings have gone up in price is because we''re seeing more of them. The wedding industry is kind of taking over and taking advantage of brides, their families and their wallets because we''re wanting what we see on TV and in the movies. At least that''s how I see it.

When I was about 6 (20 years or so ago) I was flower girl in my cousin''s wedding. It was late eighties and massive, with about 200 people, held in a fancy church in the nicest area of town, with the reception held in our local Natural History Museum that had a full sit down dinner with multiple courses. This one cost a fortune according to my aunt who paid for it.

When I was about 8, my older brother got married. I happened to be stuck as the flower girl, bleh. Anyway, the wedding was perfectly nice, perfectly early ''90s, and probably pretty cheap. I can''t imagine the bride''s dress costing more than a few hundred dollars (puffy taffeta, tulle, poofy sleeved and beaded MONSTROSITY) and they only had a cake and punch reception afterwards in the church common room. I''m sure it wasn''t very expensive.

When I was 19ish, my other brother got married (only two years younger than the other, but a total jacka$$) and I was a bridesmaid. They are both teachers in LA, but had a destination wedding in Tennessee for about 100 people, with a fancy little chapel for the ceremony and a buffet dinner (Fried chicken and the couple is vegan-I still don''t get it) in a really fancy country club. I know that it cost a pretty penny.

All of these weddings were paid for by the parents. I know that for a fact. If they had had to pay for their own weddings, they probably would have been cheaper, smaller and less commercialized. They all had the same feel, "lets spend as much money as we can". Nothing was done in a way where anything felt personal just in a way it "should" be. Now, I think there is a huge emphasis on making things feel different and individualized, instead of cookie cutter. The only non cookie cutter thing I can think of in all of those weddings is that my youngest older brother had pecan pie as the grooms cake. Anyway, the individualizing costs money, and the wedding industry is capitalizing on that, which is kind of cr4ppy, but they see the market out there and are taking advantage of it.

I know that I won''t be able to pay for my own wedding if I want to have it within the next 5 years, but I also know that my parents will probably contribute to it because I am their only daughter. If they don''t, I''m heading to the JOP and getting it done in the least ostentatious way possible. Even if I didn''t, I''d want to keep it under 10 grand no matter what.

Basically, it''s all subjective.

 

[INdmbLove]

I completely agree! I just had this conversation with my two married cousins- one eloped and the other had a modest/yet still out of their price range wedding. They both advised to go and elope. The cousin who recently got married in the traditional ceremony said the only things she does not regret spending a significant amount of money on is her dress and their rings- everything else was basically trashed- decorations, flowers, tux rentals, food, etc.

I''m not sure that I want to elope, but I''m giving serious thought into getting married in my parents'' home. This is something that my grandparents and parents did- and it just seems fitting.It is a beautiful home and I just think it would be lovely.

The amount of time spent on planning these huge parties, seem just so excessive to me. I just want my guy, a great dress, some decent flowers, close family, a decent cake and a great photographer- the rest is just too much to orchestrate to me....

With this huge trend of ''over-the-top'' weddings, what amazes me is how quickly people are to give up on their relationships. It seems that many people spend more time and effort in planning the perfect wedding- but rarely take the time or effort to plan the actual marriage, and put thought into how its going to work- as most of us know- it is not magic and it doesn''t just happen- you must put energy, time and care into the relationship.

 

[bensbride]

Wow ladies. I wasn''t trying to single anybody out or make anybody feel bad about their choices. As I recall, I did say that if you could afford it, then go for it. I was pretty much just making an observation of the weddings I''ve been to in the past 5-10 years in comparison to the ones that I went to as a pre-teen. I wasn''t talking about TLC. Yikes.

 

[mimzy]

we know you weren''t talking about anyone in particular, but it might just be in your area or in your social circle. things have been pretty much the same here and it sounds like a lot of other places too.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I don''t think bensbride was trying to offend anyone, or even say that an "outrageous" wedding is a bad thing - no one is judging anyone with their comments. I believe, and correct me if I''m wrong, that it was a generalized question about the standards that some people may have for weddings, based on her personal observation, because it does seem that they have changed. I don''t think that someone having a huge lavish affair is a bad thing as long as it can be afforded - however, the question was about the increase in weddings and the emphasis is on everything else, other than celebrating the marriage. My comments, and I''m sure everyone else''s - weren''t meant to offend anyone or say there is a problem with what others are doing - it was just a general observation about the way things have changed.

 

[mimzy]

nobody took offense to anything said.....we were just disagreeing. how having a big affair that you spend time and money on somehow equates to not celebrating the marriage is beyond me though. like Haven said, it is taking EXTREMELY "unfair liberties" to make any sort of judgment about where the bride and groom''s priorities are.

i know it was a general statement (i said that earlier), some just don''t happen to agree, that''s all......*shrug*