Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebook?

[Upgradable]

I have a sixteen year old girl who is quite active with her friends.

I require that I have her facebook account password, and ask her who she is texting with on her IPhone. It is also required that she deliver her phone and show us any text exchanges she has upon our request. I know this is no guarantee she is not having any unmonitored communications.

Do you think this is excessive and intrusive parenting, or would you go even further in an effort to protect your child against dangerous situations?

I am mostly interested in what other parents are doing, but welcome other comments.

 

[soocool]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

When my DD first got text messaging and I allowed her on Facebook, I worried. I also asked for her passwords, etc. To tell you the truth I never snooped. DD is now 17 1/2.

DD came up to me and told me what was going on with her friends on FB. Honestly, she has become disgusted with some of her friends' behaviors. On the cusp of her senior year she is completely focused on getting into a good college. She doesn't text to the extent she used to and is rarely on FB these days, except to catch up on some of the college happenings. She is working this summer, volunteers 2 mornings a week and is extremely busy with AP and Honors assignments she needs to complete over the summer. She has a boyfriend that she sees 2 days a week (that means he is over here for dinner) and they talk/text each other everyday. He too works, volunteers, takes a college class, and has homework over the summer (He wants to go to Princeton).

I believe if your child is kept busy with school, sports, and volunteering/community service she will not spend an inordinate amount of time texting or on social websites.

 

[PinkTower]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

My husband is our 16yo daughter's friend on Facebook. I figure that, since he can see her posts, that is sufficient. I do not see her text messages. I should add, however, that she is an "A" student, takes AP classes, works,has to complete ten community service projects over the summer, and plays school sports. Our house is the house her friends prefer to hang out. Making sure your home is the one the kids want to come to is very important. I teach school, so I am home before 3pm every day. If she were at someone else's house, the parent might not place that as a priority. Sometimes I complain to my husband that our house is always overflowing with teenagers, but secretly, we are so grateful!

If her grades ever drop, or there is any cause for concern, my requirements of her will change accordingly. I think she knows that, and appreciates that she lives in a family with stable rules. My advice would be to insist a child stay busy with AP classes, sports, work and volunteering, and she won't have time to get into a whole lot of other activities. If the AP exams weren't passed, the phone, the FaceBook, etc. would be a nonissue, because she would lose those privileges until the next grades came in the mail.

 

[steph72276]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Hmmm, I'm not there yet since my oldest is 5, but I don't think I will have a problem asking for passwords/asking to see texts and I think you are doing the right thing by asking for these things Uppy. I too was a A student, volunteered, had a job, did sports, student council, etc. but I still did some stuff I wouldn't have wanted my parents to find out about. Teenagers, even the most responsible ones, make some dumb decisions and I think if you give them too much trust that's a mistake. I do agree it is imperative to know your kids' friends, but even the sweet ones do things mom and dad wouldn't approve of .

 

[lilyfoot]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Uppy, how does your daughter feel about you reading her texts, etc? Just wondering!

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Tough question...

I had a mother who wanted access to all personal info- phones, emails, notes, journals, etc. Sometime she snooped and sometimes she was straight-forward about intruding. ...And that's what it seemed like: Intruding.

Sure, she and Dad paid the cell bill, owned the computer, owned the house where the journal was hidden, but as a teen I wished she would have ASKED me questions about friends, boys, drinking, you name it instead of snooping or demanding access to person effects. If she really wanted to know, I would have been honest with her. Instead, her approach always seemed aggressive and I always felt like she had zero trust in me. And I was a good kid... Really! A handful of times during my sophomore year I partied with one of my other nerdy gal pals (we were all brown-nosers and high achievers in school) and she and I created a complex code system to describe party details in our notes. My mom read them but was oblivious until I told her some five years later what the notes meant. I guess the point is that my knowledge of her having access to my correspondence did not deter me from rebelling and it did not help her to stop the behavior.

I think that teens need some privacy and autonomy, especially if they are "good" kids. The exception to this would be if you have a real reason to believe your child is engaging in dangerous, risky behavior. Do you know her friends? Does she do well in school? Do you communicate with her teachers? Has she majorly violated your trust in the past?

To add: I REALLY dislike constant texting. If a child texts non stop, especially at inappropriate times (during homework, dinner, etc), I may ask who/what/why about the messages and possibly confiscate the phone (though I'd TRY to resist the urge to read the messages!)

 

[Jennifer W]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Oh, that's a tough one. I'm a few years away from it yet, but my best friend is right in the middle of that - her kids are all using FB and text and we've been discussing this quite a bit. I've taken some good tips from her for future use.

I don't think it's intrusive or over parenting to want to know who your teenage child is talking to and have a rough idea of what they're saying. In easier times, we'd have met their friends and had an overview of the 'type' of friendships they had, I think. That's just responsible parenting. When it comes to internet and cellphones, I suppose it comes down to how you manage it.

I would want to be a friend on fb/ have DH as a friend, so that we can see posts. Asking for passwords, I'm not so sure about. Not least because they can be changed and changed back, to keep something temporarily private from you. I suspect that it would encourage devious plotting on principle. I would have found ways round that, I would have seen it as intrusive at that age (of course, as a parent I would want to do it...).

Mobile phones I agree should be available for inspection at any moment and I learned from my friend to be suspicious if text messages are deleted regularly.

From what I've seen of my friend's kids and her approach to online / mobile security, the key is maintaining a dialogue with the kids about who they contact, talking regularly about their 'online life' and friends. Also talking calmly and without drama about the potential risks and problems and about internet security and safety. Asking for passwords sort of contradicts some of the safety messages, even though you know it's ok. Just talking and keeping an open dialogue looks to me like it would help a lot (maybe I'm kidding myself).

I'm interested in how other parents of teens tackle this, because I'll be dealing with it in a few short years.

Jen

 

[Lanie]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

I'm an 8th grade teacher and I get this question from parents ALL THE TIME.

I always tell them that if their kid is sneaky enough, and willing to hide stuff, they would never know. As a previous poster said, passwords can be changed, heck, they can even have an email account you don't know about, texts can be deleted, internet history can be deleted, etc.

One parent I know has her son turn in his cell and laptop to her every night. If the messages or internet history are cleared for that day, he's grounded. Another parent I know did random drug testing on her son! He was a kid that could teeter to the "bad side" but I don't think he would ever do drugs. Even so, he knew it was a possibility, and she did random testing about once a year.

I think the main thing parents need to do is have a family computer. As much as it sucks to have to share with other siblings, if a computer is in a public place like the living room or study, and that's the only thing kids have access to, then I think that's the way to go. Of course, parents can have their own, but for the kids, I don't think that's asking too much. Now as far as Iphones or other phones with internet, that's a stickier subject.

Kids now live in a totally different world where they have laptops in class (and they can send messages to each other VERY easily without the teacher knowing), and they can text each other without any of us knowing. I would say to give them limited freedom and don't hound them unless you have reason to. If the grades start falling or they start breaking curfew, limit media access to them.

On another note, my 15 year old niece is staying with us this summer, and she is OBSESSED with texting. She texts all through car rides, while walking around or shopping in the mall, even during a play we went and saw last night. She texted through the whole thing. It's ridiculous.

 

[Puppmom]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

We have a 15 year old daughter and DH, for her safety, put a program on our computer to track all of her activity. I wasn't exactly comfortable with it but felt like it was a necessary evil. About 5 months ago, DH and I began seeing a therapist to help us through DD's transition years. We're young parents so none of our peers have children the same age as DD and we didn't exactly want to rely on our parents' ideas of good child-rearing and books.

At our first session, DH mentioned the computer activity tracking and the therapist showed us a lot of valid reasons NOT to track her activity:

- DD had given us no indication that she was headed down the wrong path
- You find out things that you don't want to know that aren't necessarily WRONG - example - DH often found himself pissed off because DD called him her *step-dad* in emails (she calls him dad at home) or she would say something about how irritating we are
- Sometimes things are taken totally out of context - especially when you're only reading one side of a conversation
- EVERYONE deserves privacy and the damage that is done when a child finds out you're snooping is often irreversible
- She can surf the internet at the library, school and friends' houses with no supervision or tracking
- We WANT them to make mistakes - that's how they learn. For the record, this one sounded crazy to me at first. Of course I didn't want DD to screw up!
- Teenagers are smart and creative! There's a lot they can do that you won't find out about EVEN if you read EVERY email, text and facebook post

Anyway, after about 3 months of therapy, we stopped tracking DD's computer activity. DH is still not entirely comfortable with it because he has this idea that we could *save* her from something before it happens. He stopped because he doesn't want to compromise his excellent relationship with her that is based on trust.

If our intuition told us she was in trouble, we WOULD go back and check activity such as texts, emails and computer traffic but it seems unfair to do it otherwise - so we don't anymore. I've also come to believe that if you ARE tracking these things, it's best to be honest about it. I'm young enough to remember how violated I felt when my mom read my letters (I could always tell because she couldn't fold them up the right way) and would make untrue accusations because she didn't understand the *language* that we spoke (for example: we called kissing "be with" and my mom thought that meant sex - I could NOT convince her otherwise).

Good luck - I know that there's probably not really a RIGHT answer but having been converted from one side of the argument to the other, I thought I would share how I got there.

ETA - My mom snooped - went through my room, read all of my letters, drove around the neighborhood spying on me, called my friends' parents and I still got knocked up at 16! When I said this out loud at therapy, it really made me realize that we can't prevent DD from making mistakes.

 

[TravelingGal]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

My understanding is that even if you friend your kid on FB, you can't see everything. They can exclude you from seeing updates and pics. So that's not a surefire thing.

I'll figure this out when I come to it. But a friend of ours who is a cop told us recently that the one thing you have to do is snoop through your kid's room regularly. He said that so many tragedies could have been averted that way...the clues are always there. Not sure what I make of that advice (especially because I am SO not a snoop) but it's something to think about. TGuy has already volunteered for the job because he IS a snoop.

 

[pennquaker09]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

I remember when FB was only accessible if one had a college email account. Once the floodgates opened and they let everyone in, it basically became a better version of myspace. I did the FB thing when I was in college, but even then, I canceled it once I started applying to med school and all of that (I had some rather wild friends in college.).

With all of that said, no I wouldn't check my teens email or texts, and I definitely wouldn't ask for passwords. I think by all standards, I was a good kid. Ninety five percent of the time, I was studying or involved in something (Salutatorian, woot - dripping with sarcasm), but the other 5% I was doing what everyone else did. Partying and having fun. By partying, I mean it quite literally, not drinking and doing drugs. Those were the two things I never did. I didn't have my first drink until I was 22 - after I graduated from college. Keep in mind, I went to college in New Orleans where there was ample opportunity.

Anyway, maybe I'm wrong, but I think as long as you're communicating with your kid on a regular basis, and if they have things to occupy them, there's nothing you'll have to worry about. There is always going to be a bad apple in the bunch. You just have to make sure you teach your kid how to make the right choices. Backtracking a bit, I think the foundation for the high school years starts very early. My folks put me in different things as a kid until I found my niche. I think learning music at an early age, especially classical music, is great. I'm not saying make your child play piano, but I know I personally enjoyed it. I have little brothers, one likes piano, the other didn't and that's okay for my folks. On a whim, my folks put me in ballet classes. I think I might have been 6. It was early. I loved it. They tried football, I hated it. Much to my dads dismay, but I did enjoy playing tennis. Academically, all kids are definitely not going to be equal. Please don't push your kids into the honors and AP classes if they aren't particularly capable of doing the work. While I can attest that it will take up a lot of their time (so you'll know where they are), as a teacher there was nothing that annoyed me more than parents that thought their kids were gifted. There is nothing wrong with being average. I can zero in on a helicopter parent immediately and if I don't like you, odds are your kid doesn't either. I know, I've heard, "OMG Mr. S, my mom gets on my nerves. I don't want to go to (insert school name here)." And I can't tell you how many times I wanted to tell them their mom got on my nerves too.

I told my folks everything. But my house was also the one that everyone liked to hangout at, so there wasn't a lot to hide, and when I was in HS (99 -03) cell phones were a luxury of luxuries.

 

[steph72276]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Puppmom, thanks for writing out your experience. I think it is so hard to find the right balance because while you want to give them independence and have trust in them, you still know that they are kids and they make mistakes. Like you said, we all make mistakes and learn from them, but at the same time what kind of mistakes are they going to make? Are they going to get their heart broken by dating the wrong person or something tragic like get behind the wheel after drinking? I think when that time comes, I will tell him I want access to things like FB (if it's still around) and cell phones, but not check it unless my gut is telling me there is a reason to. I will do my best to stay involved, talk to my children, get to know their friends and their friends' parents, but there is only so much one can do and then it is up to the child to make good choices.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

I believe respect and trust needs to be earned. If my daughter proved herself to be both I would not snoop. I agree that everyone has the right to privacy as long as that right does not negatively infringe on another's life. If my child gave me reason to believe she was participating in unhealthy or dangerous activities she would not have access to texting or a private computer. Period. While she is a minor and I am supporting her there will be clear boundaries on what and what is not acceptable.

I will have to say, while on vacation we were getting ice cream and I heard the girl behind the counter telling another coworker about the best "sext" she got. I was disturbed. Life is changing. BTW you can check your bill online and get a copy of ALL the incoming and outgoing numbers. If a person wants to hide something they will, I think this works especially with parents who tend to be somewhat in denial of any problems.

 

[PinkTower]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

One more point, the OP and I both have 16 year old girls. My child graduates at 17. I think she needs to learn how to be held accountable without a parent breathing down her neck before she is in a college dorm. If there are warning signs, a parent should not ignore them. That is when the car keys, cellphone, spending money, and assorted freedoms should be removed. I could no more snoop through my child's things than I could my coworker's or anyone else's right now because she has given me no cause.

 

[Upgradable]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

It is a very difficult tightrope to navigate, and I appreciate all comments!

Although we've asked to have access to all of this, we do not use them. We rely on the communication and trust we have built with her. But I still feel strongly that we have to establish our "superior" role as parent. For example, if she is hemming and hawing about where she has been and who she was with, we have the "parental right" to check out her story. She must hand over the phone when requested, but we do not touch it otherwise! She has a right to privacy and to make her own choices as long as she is living up to the family rules.

She got her drivers licence in January and she ended her first semester with two C's on her report card. As a consequence she is retaking those two classes this summer to raise her grades. We also found out she was texting while driving (she texted me) and thus lost her phone for 3 days. These are the kind of consequences we're trying to establish for her to learn that her choices and behaviors have consequences, and those consequences may be much worse than those we institute.

 

[Puppmom]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Uppy, oh no, the driver's license! I am NOT looking forward to that. We live a small suburban town that's about 1.5 square miles with a center that has shops, etc. DD spends all of her time there. We often bump into her running to the convenience store or walking the dog but that driver's license opens up a whole new world - it's so scary!

 

[Indylady]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

I think a better idea than snooping is to keep a family computer, and to give teens phones without internet.

 

[PinkTower]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

It is a very difficult tightrope to navigate, and I appreciate all comments!

Although we've asked to have access to all of this, we do not use them. We rely on the communication and trust we have built with her. But I still feel strongly that we have to establish our "superior" role as parent. For example, if she is hemming and hawing about where she has been and who she was with, we have the "parental right" to check out her story. She must hand over the phone when requested, but we do not touch it otherwise! She has a right to privacy and to make her own choices as long as she is living up to the family rules.

She got her drivers licence in January and she ended her first semester with two C's on her report card. As a consequence she is retaking those two classes this summer to raise her grades. We also found out she was texting while driving (she texted me) and thus lost her phone for 3 days. These are the kind of consequences we're trying to establish for her to learn that her choices and behaviors have consequences, and those consequences may be much worse than those we institute.

Hi Uppy,
You were right to take the phone away for texting. In our state, that is illegal now. You may want to check on that; it just went into effect in perhaps the last thirty days. I don't know if it is a federal or state law. This is my second round with teenagers; my children are spaced far apart. Things have really changed since round one.
Best,
Pink

 

[swingirl]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

I completely agree with puppmom.

Anyone can delete their texts and communicate at the library so the only thing you are doing it teaching your kids to be deceitful to protect there privacy. Teens say things all the time to their friends that are either half-truths or completely fabricated. To read those things and take them out of the context will give you way too much to unnecessarily worry about.

You'll keep the communication open if you DON'T snoop but engage your DD in conversations about her friends, her life and their activities. One of the best ways to find out what is going on in your teen's life is to have their friends over and offer to drive them everywhere. You'd be surprised at how candid they can be when they are in the car chatting amongst themselves. They'll forget you are there!

 

[Upgradable]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Swingirl, do you have a teenager? I'm really interested to know the difference in opinions and how that relates to actually having kids or not.

 

[Puppmom]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

To add just one more thing - we found that reading all of DDs internet info, etc. sort of messed with our parental intuition if that makes sense. Whereas before, we relied on our intuition to tell if DD was being deceitful on a particular issue, we began relying on what we read. So, two things happened:

- Sometimes, it gave us a false sense of security that everything was peachy keen
- Other times, it made us suspicious when we didn't need to be

We have found that letting DD know we trust her has really given her a level of confidence and pride in her actions that she didn't have before. Likewise, we let her know when she's untruthful with us that she must regain our trust and privileges and we find that she works hard to do that when she does make mistakes.

If I had reason to believe DD was in trouble with drugs or anything that would put her in danger, I would investigate by any means necessary. Until then, I've definitely been converted to the *other side* and won't snoop.

 

[Upgradable]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Thanks, puppmom

 

[swingirl]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Swingirl, do you have a teenager? I'm really interested to know the difference in opinions and how that relates to actually having kids or not.

I have a DD who is now 23 and a DS who is 20. So I have been through the texting, IM, mySpace, Facebook, etc. My kids have had their own computers in their own rooms (no TVs). I have accidentally found out things mostly because I would occasionally use my DD's computer. When she was in middle school the kids seemed to get in to this naughty sex talk. But what are you going to do? I am sure it was a stage and I remember going through a potty mouth stage, too. No harm done.

I have a very open line of communication with my kids and even though there were things I wish I didn't know, I am glad they talked about it with me.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Yezzir! He will be 13 in 2months. I am on him like a cheep suit. LOL. Seriously though I check on the forums he is on, his email, and phone. He has no interest in facebook yet.
My belief is I want to treat him respectfully, but as long as he lives in my house I have the right and need to be aware of "his world". Preteens are an adjustment...where did the time go? Seems like just yesterday I was just burbing him...there I go babbling again...sorry.

 

[Circe]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

I grew up before the 'Net was a big thing, but ....

When I was a little girl, writing in my first diary, my mother out-of-the-blue told me that I should never worry about her reading it, because her stepmother had read her diary when she was young, and it had really destroyed any potential for trust between them. Prior to that, it had never even occurred to me that someone would do such a thing ... but once it had, I found it reassuring as, a) my mom was a woman of her word, and b) she believed I was, too. My folks raised me not to lie to them. So, I didn't.

Unless they were irrational. This may be the real-world version of the 'Net, in a way: I would always happily tell them what my plans were, but if they fussed and yelled and attempted to control my actions in a fashion based on their fear-based understanding of a situation as opposed to my practical knowledge of it, I found it was a lot easier to just ... tell them what they wanted to hear. Hell, I'm in my 30s, and I still do it: rather than explaining that I've come home from many a social event past midnight, it's still easier to quietly roll my eyes and say I'll take a taxi at 11. In a sad way, that attitude of "knowing best" and being unwilling to cede control made me into a liar, if only because the alternative would have been to never, ever, ever grow up or make my own decisions (or drive my beloved parents into apoplexy).

Bottom line: I think it's infantalizing and controlling to spy on your kids, to presume bad behavior or stupidity up front. Telling them not to post nekkid pictures of themselves or talk to strangers or join 4chan is one thing: policing them far past the point that they're autonomous beings is another. How's that going to work out for them when they leave the house and have to police themselves, with no experience of it?

P.S. - Uppy, this was prompted by the first post - something about "unmonitored communications" really pushed my privacy and maturity buttons. Your second one sounds much more measured and reasonable. So, I hope I'm not giving offense, but just food for thought.

 

[Indylady]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Circe, +1 to your post on so many levels.

 

[hlmr]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

No, I don't check my teen's email, texts or facebook.

BUT, if I felt my 16 year old son was in trouble with the law/drugs/alcohol, or depressed, I would definitely snoop as much as possible. As long as he is just a typical teenager, I will not be in charge of his life or violate his privacy.

He is pretty up front with me, and he knows what I do and don't condone. Honesty goes a long way with me, and I wouldn't feel right about waiting to give him his freedom until he reached the age of majority. He needs to gradually learn about life, and how to deal with the challenges it presents without me micromanaging it for him.

 

[Mara]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

for anyone worried about what their kids are doing online ...you can tag your computer with an online safety software or service that will log what they do. Norton has one.

personally given the amt of freaks that have access to your kids through the internet nowadays, i imagine i won't have an issue being hard-nosed about info sharing from my kid. and i don't have an issue tagging a computer or reading emails or texts either. that whole adage 'under my roof, my rules' applies til he moves out. do i want to be doing that stuff, heck no...and hopefully i won't have to...but if given reason to suspect, i will totally not have an issue being the parent on it. my mom had the same kind of mentality and while i might have chafed at it then, it certainly didn't cause any sort of irreparable harm to our relationship.

 

[Girlrocks]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

My oldest are 10 so they don't have cell phones, e-mail addresses or know anything about facebook....yet.

I don't do facebook myself. However, I overheard a neighbor friend (10 years old) telling my daughters about another girl who was being mean to her, saying mean stuff about her, etc. My kids had no idea what she was talking about but I figured out she meant on FB.

So I went over to my friends house, and she has a FB account, so we started searching around for these 10 year old girls....oh my lordy, the stuff these little girls were posting made my face turn red!

I thought you had to be a certain age to even be on FB, and I don't think it's 10. I don't know how it works, if parents need to give permission? But if these mom's know what their little 4th graders are posting...geez! Thank goodness my daugthers aren't friends with these girls anyway, they know that they are "bad" and mean and have no desire to associate with them.

I don't know what I will do as they get older. It's very scary.

 

[swingirl]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

You have to use some common sense. Uppy was asking about a 16 year old who is at a much more independent stage of her life. But 10 year olds are in a completely different category and shouldn't have much of a "private" life. And if you have reason to be suspicious, like a clear indication of drugs, alcohol, pregnancy or illegal activities, then you need to use your head about the best way to approach your child.