Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebook?

[lyra]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

I think I overparented too often with my DD's, now 22 and 20. I think giving trust would have been more beneficial than assuming that one or the other would do something stupid without my constant supervision and interrogation. It's a hard habit to break.

With my oldest, she tells me almost anything, but she hid some pretty major things that were personal but not necessarily harmful. With my youngest, she never thought I trusted her, because really I didn't, and she did do some things that were potentially very harmful that we did find out about eventually. The thing(s) she did led to a huge family blowout, and I was so mad I couldn't even talk to her for a couple of weeks. All in all it was a disasterous 6 month period of our lives with her.

We keep the communication lines open, as open as possible. But it has to come naturally and not be forced. Knowing what I know now, I would have loosened up more and been more trusting. Hope that makes some sense.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

I don't have kids yet, but I think it's reasonable to monitor their behavior on facebook, texting, emails, etc. Plus, if the parent is the one that owns the cell phone or computer (and not the child), then you have the right to monitor what your possessions are being used for. To be truthful, I wish my parents had kept a closer eye on me when AOL instant messanger was popular. I was a good kid, in general, and my parents trusted me. But looking back, there were certainly some times where I could have gotten myself into big trouble with online chat! I think kids are much bolder and outspoken when they're not face-to-face with someone. They can say more hurtful things, more provocative things, and more controversial things when they're online.

I agree that teens should be given some responsibility and autonomy, but "checking up on them" also allows them to PROVE they are responsible and trustworthy. I don't think you need to check their conversations on a daily basis. That's a bit too overbearing. Instead, let them know that you will be checking randomly and if they get caught in "unapproved" behavior, then there will be consequences. Let them know ahead of time what those consequences will be.

It's kind of like random drug testing, in my opinion. If you KNOW you COULD get caught and lose your job, get kicked off a sports team, etc... then you're less likely to engage in that type of behavior.

 

[steph72276]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

I don't have kids yet, but I think it's reasonable to monitor their behavior on facebook, texting, emails, etc. Plus, if the parent is the one that owns the cell phone or computer (and not the child), then you have the right to monitor what your possessions are being used for. To be truthful, I wish my parents had kept a closer eye on me when AOL instant messanger was popular. I was a good kid, in general, and my parents trusted me. But looking back, there were certainly some times where I could have gotten myself into big trouble with online chat! I think kids are much bolder and outspoken when they're not face-to-face with someone. They can say more hurtful things, more provocative things, and more controversial things when they're online.

I agree that teens should be given some responsibility and autonomy, but "checking up on them" also allows them to PROVE they are responsible and trustworthy. I don't think you need to check their conversations on a daily basis. That's a bit too overbearing. Instead, let them know that you will be checking randomly and if they get caught in "unapproved" behavior, then there will be consequences. Let them know ahead of time what those consequences will be.

It's kind of like random drug testing, in my opinion. If you KNOW you COULD get caught and lose your job, get kicked off a sports team, etc... then you're less likely to engage in that type of behavior.

Very well said and I totally agree.

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Parents, do you check your teens' email, text, or facebo

Wow. I agree with Circe, and am amazed that so many parents are comfortable monitoring their children to the extent the children are given NO privacy and obviously no trust. And then the helicopter parents release the child out on their own, at college or elsewise, not learning self-responsibility, how do you think that will go?

I recently read the book "how to talk so your kid will listen, and how to listen so your kid will talk." (sp) Except for the family computer, I would not invest in survelliance but in developing a relationship with your child so they have both autonomy (which often does mean making some mistakes) but trust so they can come to you when they need help.

Of course there should be consequences for bad behavior, but you are setting yourself to be the thought police.

My 10 year old daughter has a diary. Though it has tempted me, her relationship is more important than my curiosity.

Monitoring children is easy, but sets up an antagonist relationship that even I as a goody two shoe person as a teen would have rebelled at.


Oops! Just saw this is an old thread!